オウギ～ファイナリティブラスト

Wolf

2011-01-01T14:49:00.004+08:00

Goodbye, Hello

2010-04-27T23:48:00.004+08:00

To anyone reading this,

I will be deleting this blog on May 1, 2010. I don't know if I will make a new one, but if I do, I will certainly post the link to my new home here. Puno na rin kasi ng mga ewan ko bang comment ang mga post ko rito.

To my blog,

Thank you for the past four years. You, of all the things, know my innermost dreams and fondest memories. And alam kong alam mo rin na I hate goodbyes because I'm not good at them.

Until we meet again.

L'Chayim

To life,

Rudolf

Nueva Ecija

2009-11-29T23:09:00.002+08:00

Kakauwi ko lang. Bukas o sa makalawa na lang siguro ako magpopost.

Pero ang masasabi ko lang, gusto kong bumalik doon. Ang tahimik kasi ng buhay.

Realizations Day 1

2009-11-23T23:33:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, you do things even if you don't know why you're doing it. Sometimes you stop and wonder on how you manage to keep on going even if it takes a whole lot from you: time, energy, money, almost everything.

Sometimes you wish you could just exert the same effort unto other things, but no matter how hard you try, you just can't.

Oh well. I guess it isn't meant to be.

Hello World

2009-11-19T23:29:00.006+08:00

System.out.println("Hello World!");

Ito ang karaniwang pinakaunang program na matutunan ng isang Java Programmer. Una ko itong natutunan noong ako'y nasa unang taon pa lamang sa Pamantasan ng Ateneo de Manila, at ngayon, habang sinusulat ko ang mga katagang ito, naghihintay ang aming tesis na may pamagat na Audio Based Game for the Visually Impaired on the Xbox 360 Console para sa makabuluhang kilos dahil mula't nagsabog ng basang lagim ang kaibigang si Ondoy, natigil na ang lahat ng kahit na anong pag-iisip tungkol sa mga bulag, isang telebisyon, at isang Xbox 360 at kung ano pang aparatong kailangan matutunang gamitin ng isang bulag.

Mahigit sa isang buwan na lang, pasko na, at sa loob ng dalawa't kalahating buwan, taong dos mil dyis na. Naalala ko pa noong nasa ikaapat na baitang ako na binibilang ko kung ilang taon pa ako kailangang mag-aral. Isa, dalawa, tatlo, apat... labing-isa. Dati, nagmumukmok ako tuwing maiisip ko na napakatagal pa ang kailangan kong gugulin sa pag-aaral, ngunit ngayong sa loob ng apat na buwan ay magtatapos na ako, hindi ko na alam.

Hello World.

Part of the Family

2009-10-12T00:56:00.002+08:00

Today, my family and I went to Bulacan since it was my cousin Diane's birthday last Wednesday. We also took the time to visit since it was like forever since we last ate in our Tita Nene's hut kitchen. Iyhan, a good friend of mine, always visits us during weekends and spends his days in our place until early Tuesday mornings, when he needs to go to work. Meaning Iyhan tagged along to our family's trip back to my ancestral home.

I actually felt uneasy with him going with us. I don't know why, but maybe it was because of the sharp, cynical, but secretive eyes my relatives in Bulacan make when faced with strangers.

While eating lunch fit for a princess, Ate introduced Iyhan to Tita Nene.

Si Iyhan, classmate ni Rudolf. Parang pamilya na namin yan!

That made my day.

It's Not That

2009-10-10T03:35:00.002+08:00

And I thought this was over. But I told myself never to lie down forever after a fall unless both my legs get paralyzed. There are just some things you simply cannot rid of, however once you take a deep breath and point a serious look at it, the thing just takes another form. It seems that one cannot be erudite enough even to grasp the fundamentals of things concerning of the past, the present, and of the heart.

Maybe it's just a part of me trying to change. Heck, it's almost four months since my life changed, and as each day passes by, my life even moves forward to places I've never been to because I was alone.

Yes, maybe that's it.

In Between

2009-09-04T00:50:00.003+08:00

There are some things you really can't understand, no matter how hard you try to. I don't know. Maybe it's just me being afraid and getting worried about something I just imagined. You try to be as neutral as possible, but the truth is, no matter how neutral you think you are, you are still holding onto something you just won't let go.

Friendship is such a fragile thing. But isn't friendship something that will stand the tests of time and the blows of the steel?

I am confused. I am worried that I am confused because I don't know if it is right to be worried.

The complexities of life suck bad. It just rapes face.

Andito lang ako para sa inyong dalawa. I hope both of you know that.

I Noticed That

2009-09-01T02:47:00.004+08:00

It's so easy to slip off something you want to start doing again. A lack of discipline; a lack of something to write; or is it just a sad reality of life?

Masaya? (After Theology)

2009-08-27T19:38:00.002+08:00

Yeah, medyo sabaw ang utak ko ngayon. Kakabasa ko lang kasi ng Chapter 3 ng theology book namin. "The Peaceful Sea" ang title. Sa loob ng dalawampung pahina ng maliliit na letra, isa lang ang tumatak sa isip ko: to be Christian is to be happy, o parang ganun na nga. Hindi photographic ang aking memorya, kaya patawad.

Ayon sa may akda ng libro na kinaiinisan ko dahil kung hindi niya isinulat ang libro niya, wala kaming babasahin para sa theo at wala kaming quiz bukas ukol dito, kailangan raw ipanganak, magbunyi, maghirap, mamatay, at muling mabuhay para makamit ang tunay na kaligayahan -- yun bang bukal sa pinakaloob ng isang tao at yun bang kaligayahang nag-uumapaw at bumabahagi sa lahat ng nakapaligid. Siyempre, dahil theology ang pinag-uusapan, para makamit ang tunay na kaligayahan, dapat buong tapang nating harapin ang tawag ng kaligayahang ito. Natatakot raw kasi tayo na mahirapan at mamatay dahil masyado na raw tayong kampante sa kung anong mayroon tayo sa ngayon. At siyempre naman, sino nga bang gustong mahirapan at mamatay, hindi ba? (At by the way, yan ang sinasabi ko sa lahat ng mga required readings ko sa Ateneo; apparently hindi ako mahilig magbasa ng mga scholarly articles)

At sabi rin sa akdang iyon, lahat ng tao ay ginawa upang tanggapin ang kaligayahan mula sa itaas. Hindi natin kayang alisin ito bilang mga tao, ngunit may kakayahan tayong talikuran ang tawag na ito at manatiling malungkot at walang pakiramdam sa buhay.

So, is religion the opium of the people?

9999

2009-08-26T08:46:00.001+08:00

Wala lang.

Failed Replies

2009-08-25T22:53:00.002+08:00

Ngayon ko lang ito nakita. Sorry.

Mula sa
Mga Tanong na Paulit-ulit na Tinatanong ng Isang Mag-aaral

PH-Commute said...

Hi! Totally agree with your post. I'm a Computer Science graduate from DLSU (hehe the enemy) and I also underwent 12 units of religion. To be fair, minsan may natutunan naman ako, pero kahit ngayong nagtratrabaho na ako, hindi ko pa rin mahanapan ng silbi ung marami sa mga inaral ko noong kolehiyo.

Btw, maraming salamat po sa paglink sa site namin (PH-Commute)! We really appreciate your support. :)

Sunday, August 02, 2009

hxero said...

Actually for me nagagamit ko namn ang theology at philisophy kahit engineering course ko... Atenean din ako so napagdaanan ko mga subjects na yan hehehe... cguro dahil sa mga subjects na yan mas naging patient ako at mas naiintindihan ko kapwa ko... iniintindi ko muna mga pinagdadaanan...

Thursday, August 06, 2009

Zweihander said...

Ph-Commute: May natututunan naman ako, pero yun nga, hindi ko lang talaga alam kung saan ko ito pwedeng ma-apply. In my humblest opinion, alam ko na yung mga kailangan malaman sa Theology. You don't need to know what faith is to be faithful, right? You don't need to know what is good to do the good, right? Hindi ko lang alam, pero I think it comes to us naturally.

Of course, I support your site as a commuter. I go to your site whenever I need to go somewhere new. : )

hxero: Recollections are nice, pero they're ripoffs at 7:30 in the morning of a hot, hot Sunday. It's just hard to stay awake while your teacher is blabbering about something you already know, but apparently you don't come test time. : (

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Masaya?

2009-08-25T02:40:00.003+08:00

Paminsan, hindi mo na alam kung magagawa mo bang sabihing masaya ka miski na napapalibutan ka ng mga kaibigan mong hindi. Tatanungin ka nila kung kumusta ka, at sasabihin mong masaya ka na. Kadalasan, sasabihin nilang

you deserve it. i'm so happy for you

o kaya nama'y

i'm happy for your happiness.

Pero alam mong hindi sila masaya dahil may mga bagay na bumabagabag sa kanila. Hindi ko alam kung tama bang maging masaya kahit na ang mga kaibigan mo ay hindi. Parang mali kasing isipin na nasa itaas ako't tumitingin pababa sa kanila. Hindi ko alam, baka mamaya'y pinalalaki ko lang itong nararamdaman ko. Simula nang maging kami, bigla kong nakita ang nakakalungkot na sitwasyon ng aking mga kaibigan. Marahil nagkataon lamang na ganito, o kaya nama'y sila'y matagal nang ganito at hindi ko lang ito "nakikita" dahil pareho lang kami ng lenteng tinitingnan sa buhay. Pare-pareho lang kaming malungkot, at masyado kaming makasarili't patuloy na itinutubog ang aming mga sarili sa putikang iyon. Masyado lang sigurong mataas ang pagtingin at paghanga ko sa mga kaibigan ko dahil sa mukha ng matinding kalungkutan, nagagawa pa nilang magpasaya at gumuhit ng mga ngiti sa mga mukha ng ibang tao.

Kung sakit na pwedeng mahawa lang sana ang kasiyahan, para naman sa wakas, ako naman ang makapagsabi nang you deserve it, I'm so happy for you.

One-Sentence Status Seven

2009-08-24T02:39:00.003+08:00

What doesn't destroy you makes you tougher.

After a quarrel

I will try once more to revive this part of me
A part whose thoughts laid to rest.
I will try once more to unlock and set us free
A part whose whole's seen the best.

Rains

2009-08-06T22:46:00.004+08:00

Up until now, I still can't seem to write nonchalantly as before. I don't know. I guess I'm just too preoccupied with a lot of things. My attention is tossed to and fro with meter-high waves in the stormy seas of my head. I don't know if I'm just overcomplicating things for myself. And if I am, I wish that I'm just complicating things for myself, and not for a whole lot of people.

Things haven't changed, I still think I spread myself too thinly over too many things. But I guess what's keeping me from writing here is the fact that I want to write something substantial; an entry which feelings and emotions will still be recognizable after a year or so.

I write for my own sake. I blog to keep memories alive; like water trickling down ever so slowly to keep a plant alive. Water is the source of all life in this world. Rain is a gift from the heavens for a sunflower that is desperate for water, however

too much water can drown a plant as well.

Tatay, Miss na Kita

2009-08-03T22:55:00.006+08:00

Why is it that you'll never know how important a person is to you until they're gone? Even if you know someone is important in your life, you will never really measure, if it is measurable, how valuable a person is to you. Is someone's worth measured by how frequently and how intense your longing is for that person? Is it a sign that a person is most dear to you if you yearn for their presence?

Today is Tatay's 12th death anniversary. He passed away when I was nine years old. He was fondly called Toyo by my family since almost always, he had those unexplainable fits -- toyo. I remember the same spot where I cried when we received the news on his passing. Nanay and I mourned as we gently gave him our flowers as he descended to the earth, to the arms of our loving creator. I remember the cloudy day of August 3, 1997, a day when a light drizzle became a heavy, short shower. It was a day when I saw Nanay cry silently as she looked up the sky and bade Tatay a final, endearing farewell.

Twelve years ago, I lost the person whom I called my father.

I lost the person I sought refuge to after a day full of teases and tears. I lost the person whom I told all my little victories, the small times I conquered the seas of my insecurites in my simple life back then. Twelve years ago, I lost a part of myself, never to be returned forever.

Here I am, standing incomplete under all the realities of life.

Tatay may no longer be here, but he'll be forever the one and only tatay for the rest of my life.

Tatay, masaya ka ba sa kung naging ano ako ngayon?
I love you Tatay. Sana masaya ka na ngayong magkasama na kayo ulit ni Nanay.

Hello, Hello

2009-08-02T22:30:00.001+08:00

I think I need to start writing again.

Perfect Love

2009-07-20T01:24:00.004+08:00

I came stumbling on this article.

---

"How was it like to have the perfect love?" Having the perfect love is risky, painful, most of the times commanding, usually on top of yourself, hard to deal with and yet always worth keeping.

"Your so called perfect love is only just as perfect as how you makes and believes it to be."

The painful thing is, just in time when you already had drowned yourself at the thought that you already found the perfect love, it breaks under the smallest crack. You struggle hard to save the relationship but you do it on your own. You save it because you finally found perfection, but no one helps you do it because only you believe it. Perfection is still there but only you can see it because it was only you among the both of you who made efforts seeing it through the relationship that way because it was only you who loved and it was only that love that made your lover perfect in the first place.

Perfect lovers come in abundance and they can be hand-picked, but just like other lovers around, hey come and go. And when they do, they leave you wrecked and when does love become perfect? It is when you think it is. There is no perfect love. The only perfect thing that exists in this world is the word alone. Following the word, there's no such one.

Is it perfect to sacrifice your love in exchange of your dignity and morality?

Mga Tanong na Paulit-ulit na Tinatanong ng Isang Mag-aaral

2009-07-07T07:59:00.003+08:00

Hindi ko talaga gets ang mga inaral ko dito sa Ateneo. Sayang sa units!

Alam mo yun? Kasi ang dami-daming required subjects dito sa school na hindi ko alam kung paano ko i-aapply bilang isang Computer Science undergraduate. Hindi ko rin alam kung papaano ko ito magagamit bilang isang degree holder ng nasabing kurso (sana, by next year po). Alam mo yun? Anong gagawin ko sa labindalawang units sa kung anu-anong klase sa theology? Hindi ko naman sinasabing buwagin na sa core curriculum ang theology, pero kailangan ba talagang apat na subject ang required? Dahil ba isang Jesuit institution ang Ateneo kaya kailangan dumadagundong na labindalawang units ang kailangan para magtapos sa kahit na anong kurso? Pati na rin ang philosophy. Kailangan rin bang lumalagitik na labindalawang units rin ang kailangan? Gusto ko naman ang philosophy, yun nga lang, parang paulit-ulit ata ang mga inaaral. At ang mahirap pa, kahit na anong pagsusunog ng kilay o pamimiga ng utak ang gawin mo sa pag-aaral, C lang ang makukuha mo sa orals. O baka naman hindi lang talaga ako magaling magtawid ng aking mga saloobin kaya ganun? Ang bitter. Ang bitter talaga. Ayos lang sa akin kung ipapatapon niyo ako sa isang far, far away place, o kaya nama'y ipababaril sa isang firing squad sa kung saang lupalop ng Quezon City.

Wala lang. Wala lang yata ako mapost kaya ganito. Nakakainis lang pati ang mga professor na aalis ng bansa at iiwan kayo ng dalawang linggo. Pero hindi ako galit, naiinis lang. Tumatambak na rin kasi ang mga kailangan kong gawin, at nagpapalala pa sa lahat ng ito ang thesis.

Hay, thesis. Sino bang nakaimbento sa iyo?

Busy Again

2009-07-06T02:20:00.002+08:00

Things are getting tougher. Deadlines are getting nearer and nearer. People are getting busier and busier

including me.

Sigh.

How I miss my life free from responsibilities.
How I miss substantial blogging.
How I miss someone.

LSS

2009-07-01T13:09:00.004+08:00

No sir! No I don't want to be the blame, not anymore
It's your turn to take the seat; we're settling the final score
And why do you like to hurt so much?

That's what you get when you let your heart win, woah
I've drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating
And that's what you get when you let your heart win, woah

That's What You Get
Paramore

Busy

2009-06-29T23:42:00.005+08:00

One thing I can say: being a senior isn't easy.

I have a lot of things to do. That's all I've been saying for the past two weeks. It's hard to balance academics from org life.

I need to compromise things, and unfortunately, my blog is one of those unlucky little parts of my life which I need to set aside in order to make my dreams of a nice future come to fruition, one small step at a time. Each and every day seems like a whole week. Two weeks have passed, but it feels that a whole semester just elapsed. I lose track of the ideas that come to my mind because I'm too occupied to even just think of something to write. I don't know. Right now, I'm living off the nice feeling whenever you cross out something out of your epic to-do list.

Sigh. Last two semesters to go.

I feel sad that the end is already so visible, but I'm happy because I made friendships that I know will last seven lifetimes.

Tired, so tired. But I'm happy with what I have.

June 19, 2009

2009-06-19T09:06:00.002+08:00

I will never forget this day.

Huling First Day ng First Sem

2009-06-14T21:34:00.003+08:00

Hay grabe. Senior na po ako. Huling dalawang semestre ko na po ito sa Pamantasan ng Ateneo de Manila. Ngunit tinatamad po akong pumasok bukas. Bitin na bitin po kasi ang aking bakasyon dahil kakatapos lang ng aking OJT. Sobrang hindi pa ako handa talaga pumasok bukas. Gusto ko nang mag-ayos ng gamit para bukas, pero ayaw ng katawan ko. Napakabigat ng pakiramdam ko talaga ngayon. Iniisip ko, ito ba ang nararamdaman ng isang presong bibitayin na sa loob ng labindalawang oras?

Ang labo, pero ngayong malapit na ako magtapos, ngayon ko pa nararanasan ang mga first day high na katulad nito. Hindi lang talaga ako mapalagay, grabe. Parang gusto kong iikot nang iikot ang tumbong ko sa kinauupuan ko ngayon, pero miski iyon, tinatamad akong gawin. Parang hindi kasi talaga sapat ang tatlong araw na pahinga, e. O baka naman sapat na ito, kaya lang tila kulang ito dahil isa akong malaking batugan? Ah naku naman talaga. Gusto kong matulog nang matulog nang matulog nang matulog. Ang sarap kasi sa batugang pakiramdam ang magigising ka sabay babanatan mo ng isa na namang five-minutes-pero-nagiging-five-hours na tulog.

Hindi lang talaga ako mapakali kasi huling first day ng first sem ko na ito. Grabe, parang kailan lang, unang first day ng first sem ko tapos ngayon, huli na. Ang bilis ano?

Magulo

2009-06-14T02:47:00.003+08:00

Ang gulu-gulo ng nasa isipan ko ngayon. Ang gulu-gulo ng iniisip ng isipan ko ngayon. Ang gulu-gulo ng gulo na iniisip ng isipan ko ngayon. Basta, ang gulu-gulo talaga.

Alam mo yung may gusto kang sabihin sa isang tao pero hindi mo alam kung ano ang sasabihin niya sayo kaya hindi mo masabi yung gusto mong sabihin doon sa taong may gusto ka sanang sabihin? Ang gulu-gulo diba? Bakit kasi hindi pa naiibento ang wonder aparato na kung saan may lalabas na thumbs up sa noo ng taong may gusto kang sabihin kapag wala ka naman dapat ikatakot at ikabahala na sabihin ang gusto mong sabihin sa taong may gusto ka sanang sabihin. Hindi ko sinasadyang guluhin ang magulo nang post na ito dahil ang gulu-gulo lang talaga ng lahat. Ito ako, nakaupo sa kama ko sa kadiliman ng aking kwarto, tanging ang laptop ko lamang ang nagsisilbing ilaw, pero kahit ang ingay lang ng bentilador at ang mahinang pagratrat ng mga keys sa keyboard ang aking naririnig, gulung-gulo pa rin kasi ang utak ko. Sobrang gulung-gulo na. Hindi ko alam kung ito ba ay dahil may pasok na bukas o baka naman dahil inaantok na ako't heto akong pilit pinipigilan ang isang bagay na dapat hindi pinipigil kahit kailan, maliban na lamang siguro sa kung saan mang lugar o panahon na ayaw ko nang isipin dahil makagugulo lang talaga ito sa kaguluhang nagaganap sa magulo kong isip. Parang ang dami ko kasing kailangan gawin at ang dami dami ko pang gustong gawin, pero Linggo na lang ang natitirang araw para magawa ko lahat ng kailangan at gusto kong gawin. Nakadadagdag ito sa kaguluhan ng magulo kong isip kasi nga may gusto akong itanong sa isang tao ngunit hindi ko naman maitanong dahil hindi ko maisip kung paano ko ito itatanong dahil gulung-gulo ang aking isip. Kasi baka mamaya kapag tinanong ko sa taong may gusto akong itanong ngunit hindi ko matanong dahil naguguluhan talaga ako ang tanong na gusto kong itanong, baka kung ano na ang kaniyang maging reaksyon at dahil doon, lalo pang maguluhan ang magulo kong isip. Hindi ko na maintindihan ang mga pinagsususulat ko rito, kasi nga gulung-gulo na talaga ako sa gagawin ko. Yun bang parang hindi na ako makatulog nang mahimbing sa kakaisip kung paano ba ang gagawin ko para maitanong ko na ang tanong na gusto kong itanong sa taong may gusto akong itanong. Kasi sa tingin ko, maguguluhan lang siya sa tanong na itatanong ko kaya't gulung-gulo na talaga ako't hindi makapili kung ano ang kailangan kong gawin para maitanong ko ang tanong na gusto kong itanong nang matiwasay at walang nangyayaring kung ano mang peligrong dadagdag sa kaguluhang sinasapit ng magulo kong isip.

Ano ba yung gusto kong itanong?

Yun nga eh. Sa gulo ng magulo kong isip, hindi ko na maisip kung ano nga ba ang gusto kong itanong sa taong may gusto sana akong sabihin at itanong.

Sino ba kasi yang gusto kong sabihan at tanungan?

Yun nga eh.

One-Sentence Status Six

2009-06-13T03:45:00.004+08:00

The night sleeps, waiting for a dream to carry her home.

Rudolf, feeling lonely once again

Tatlong Daang Oras - Huling Tatlumpung Minuto

2009-06-11T16:32:00.002+08:00

Ito na. Pinatay na ang aircon dito sa opisina. Ito na ang huling beses kong maririnig ang kakaibang pagtahimik ng makulimlim na tunog ng aircon na ito. Huling beses na ako maiinitan matapos lamigin ng higit sa walong oras. Nung nagsimula ako dito, ginusto ko nang umalis, pero ngayong aalis na ako, gusto ko pang manatili kahit na ilan pang mga sandali. Siguro nakasanayan ko nang gumising ng umaga para magmadali patungo sa Quezon Avenue station ng MRT. Nakasanayan ko na rin marahil ang kakaibang siksikan tuwing mamalasin sa pagsakay sa tren. Sanay na akong magitgit ng kung sino mang tao at makipagdikitan ng katawan sa isang taong hindi ko kilala't malamang isang beses ko lang makikita sa buong buhay ko. Sanay na akong mapawisan ng pawis ng ibang tao, at nasanay na rin akong matuyuan ng pawis ng ibang tao. Sanay na akong araw-araw sumasakay ng elevator pataas at pababa ng ika-siyam na palapag. Nasanay na rin akong maghugas ng aking baunan. Nasanay na rin ang aking braso na may inaabot na baso ng malamig na tubig o kaya nama'y mainit na kape. Nasanay na rin kahit papaano ang aking mata sa pagbabad sa daan-daang linya ng code sa loob ng walong oras. Nasanay na rin ang aking katawan na maupo sa isang upuang pang-opisina, at sa tingin ko, hahanap-hanapin ko ito pagdating ng pasukan. Nasanay na rin ako sa paghalumbaba sa harap ng monitor ng computer na ginagamit ko habang iniisip kung ano ba ang problema ng ginagawa kong trabaho. Kayang kaya ko na rin labanan ang aking puyat at antok sa loob ng walong oras nang pagtatrabaho o "pagtatrabaho".

Nakasanayan ko na rin ang boses ng mga taong nakapaligid sa akin dito, at kahit na hindi sa akin ibinabato ang mga salitang inuusal sa aking paligid,

hahanap hanapin ko pa rin ang mga salitang nagpaikut-ikot sa aking mga tenga
at ang mga boses na dalawang daan at animnapu't dalawang oras ko nakasama.

One-Sentence Status Five

2009-06-11T16:27:00.001+08:00

The most rewarding things come from the scariest decisions and opportunities.

Clar on Nicole's Plurk

You May Pull the Red String

2009-06-09T11:38:00.004+08:00

The shadows of sins flicker and flutter. A sorrowful destiny; a path of doubt. The hater and he hated are two in one; two cracked mirrors reflecting each other. We come from the darkness, where the threads of time intertwine.

We shall exact your revenge.

---
Urban legend has it that if one posts their grudge on a mysterious web page at the stroke of midnight, Ai Enma - a young, pale girl known as the Jigoku Shoujo (Girl from Hell) - will appear with a straw doll with a string around its neck. This site, known as the Jigoku Tsushin (Hell Correspondence), is rumored to be only accessible exactly at midnight. Should someone submit the name of someone against whom they bear a grudge or immense hatred, Ai Enma will take them to a realm of perpetual twilight where she offers them a straw doll with a red string wound around its neck and describe to the client the details of their contract; should the client pull the string tied around the doll's neck, she will ferry the target of the revenge straightaway to Hell. However, once the client's life has ended, he or she too will go to Hell; a black crest-shaped mark appears on the client's chest to serve as a permanent reminder of this and their decision to send someone to Hell. Both of them will wander hell for eternity, forever feeling pain and suffering; not knowing what paradise is like.

"If you truly wish to eliminate the person tormenting you, you would just pull this red string. Upon doing so, you enter into an official contract with me. The person tormenting you would be sent immediately to hell. But when a person is cursed, two graves are dug. When your body dies, your soul goes to hell, forever wandering and never knowing what paradise is...

And now, you decide what happens next."

Tatlong Daang Oras - Huling Tatlong Araw

2009-06-08T14:20:00.003+08:00

Malapit nang matapos ang OJT ko dito sa 3M. Para sabihin ang totoo, wala akong natutunang bago dito. Inulit ko lang ang ginawa ko noong ikalawang semestre sa Pamantasan ng Ateneo de Manila: gamitin ang Java Hibernate. Sa totoo lang, kung bibigyan ako ng pagkakataong ulitin ang practicum ko, hindi ko na nanaising pumasok muli dito sa 3M. Gagandahan ko na agad ang papel ng aking mga resume at hindi lang sa pipitsuging papel ilalathala ang mga resume ko.

Ito siguro ang pinakamalaki kong pagkakamali.

Ang taas ng mga pangarap ko noong naghahanap pa ako ng mapapasukan para sa OJT. Pero walang nangyari sa lahat ng mga ito. Hindi ko lang talaga alam kung bakit; siguro dala talaga ito ng papel na ginamit ko upang isakatotohanan ang aking mga natamo sa aking buhay. Hindi ko lang alam kung interesado ba ang ibang tao sa mga sinulat ko doon. Malamang hindi.

Wala akong natutunan dito. Pero sa tingin ko isa rin itong pagkakamali.

Siguro, kailangan ko nang matuto na libre nga ang mangarap, ngunit hindi dapat nagpapadala ang tao sa mga pangarap na ito. Hindi lahat ng bagay ay kayang matamo tutal,

walang nang libre sa mundo.

Ang tatlong daan ay hindi na makakamit, ngunit matatapos na ang lahat sa loob ng tatlong araw.
(Tatlong daan binawasan ng dalawang daan at apatnapu't lima ay limampu't lima.)

One-Sentence Status Four

2009-06-07T21:18:00.002+08:00

Tomorrow, don't come and let today never end.

Rudolf, getting tired of things that tire him

(One)-Sentence Status Three

2009-06-06T01:41:00.001+08:00

I can live with my choices. Hopefully, you can too.

Kimmy, while discussing with me her plans in life

Second to the Last Sem: SUPER SCHEDULE

2009-06-04T20:38:00.002+08:00

OHYESS I JUST LOVE BEING IN THE LAST BATCH. SO MANY CHOICES LEFT!
(sarcasm intended)

Classes:

Th151: A Theology of the Catholic Social Vision
Clamor, Arnella Francis
Section E, MWF 1030 - 1130, B105

Ph104: Foundations of Moral Value
Principe, Jesus Deogracias
Section M, MWF 1130-1230, BEL212

Ec102: Basic Economics, Agrarian Reform and Taxation
Bautista, Cristina
Section O, MWF 1430 - 1530, SECA208A

CS112: Structure of Programming Language
Instructor to be announced
Section A, MWF 1230 - 1330, CTC215

CS130: Theory of Computation
Instructor to be announced
Section A, TTh 0730 - 0900, F227

CS179.11: Special Topics in Multimedia: Introduction to Flash Scripting
Instructor to be announced
Section A, MWF 1330 - 1440, F204

CS179B: Integrative Project
Mentor: De Vera, Jose Alfonso
Section C, F 1800 - 2100, CTC214

Clock Strikes Twenty One - Late by Forty-Eight

2009-06-04T11:12:00.004+08:00

Clock Strikes Twenty - Late by Forty-Eight

It was then that a streak of light different from all the rest appeared. It was a familiar spectacle, at least to my eyes. I kept on trying to remember what that was, and after a moment's pause and a skipped heartbeat, I remembered it. I stood my ground and tried to undo the damage the darkness was dealing me.

I remembered the patch of sunshine made for one.

I remembered the time when two hearts beat as one.

In that star of hope, might, and strength, I saw the one and only truth that I was searching for. The midnight ocean was not the evening sky, but were the windows of my eyes. Deep inside my eyes filled with tears of sadness and strength, I saw everything important in the thing I call life.

The clock struck nineteen. I am still not ready.

The clock struck twenty. I'm slowly getting there.

The clock strikes twenty-one, and everything went wrong. Everything, except one. As I search all that what was left, that single memory that remained precious slipped from my weakened grip, to be lost in the endless wait of forever.

I know I will meet you someday, somewhere, some place.

Please wait for me.

Puro Putang Ina Po Itong Post na Ito, Huwag Nang Basahin Kung Ayaw Makakita ng "Putang Ina"

2009-06-04T10:06:00.010+08:00

WAREAGSSGFSHUGSNAKLGHWJIAD! DKSJHAIDUGBASDIGHASB! DJKHSDGJKADH! DSJKGHAHGJAAOO! SDKGHAIODSBGAASDIUASDBGAKSJDGUSS! SSGSSGS? SKHGSSGIHWTAAA! KSHGSKSGHGSLWITHWSLSG! ASDJKGHSDGSHDGSDHDSEOTUEPSHNZD! SAFSA! SGAGAGASGASGAS! ASDGDG! AFAF! DSKGDSSDHPUTANGINASDIGHD!

(Sige nga, basahin mo yan ng hiyang at matatas)

Tinatamad akong mag-English ngayon. Maulan kasi eh. Pupunuin ko rin ng mura itong post ko para ipakita kung gaano ako galit at nalulungkot nang magkasabay. Putang ina! Putang ina mo, mahal kong mambabasa, dahil nabasa mo ang mga katagang "Putang ina!" Nagpapasalamat ako dahil putang ina ako, putang ina ka, at putang ina tayong lahat na nagbabasa ngayon ng mga langtarang pagbabangit ng mga putang inang putang ina na yan. Ang sarap talaga sumigaw at magmura kapag walang nakakarinig sayo. Isipin mo, walang makakaalam na napakabalbal pala ng pananalita't napaka dumi pala ng iyong dila. Lahat na, sabihin mo! Putang ina na ang impit ay nasa Pu. Putang ina na ang damdamin ay nasa tang. Putang ina na damang dama ang pagka-ina ng putang ina. 'Di ba? Mas masarap ibulyaw sa buong mundong hindi ka naman maririnig ang putang ina kung ikukumpara sa son of a bitch. Parang ay, anak ako ng aso? Eh ano naman ngayon kung anak ako ng aso, 'tang ina ka pala e. 'Di ba? Gumaganun na talaga ako ngayon. Putang inaaaa! Ang sarap magmura sobra. Kasi naman, ang daming nangyayari sa mundo na nakakaputang ina naman talaga. Pasensiya na't minura kita kanina, mahal kong mambabasa. Alam mo namang hinding hindi kita taus pusong mumurahin, 'di ba? 'Di ba? Putang ina mo maniwala ka! Kung hindi, putang ina mo na talaga!

Nakakaiyak na nakakainis lang talaga kasi ang buhay. Ang daming nangyayaring ayaw mo sanang mangyari. Ang daming nangyayaring sana, sa ibang araw na lang nangyari kung hindi talaga ito maiiwasang mangyari. Putang ina, biruin mong umiyak ako sa aking kaarawan noong Martes? Sa lahat ng dalawampu't isang kaarawan ko, sa nagdaan lang ako napaiyak. Tanga kasi ako. Sana may umimbento ng gamot na pampatalino. Kung walang iimbento nito, siguro kakainin ko na lang ang mga utak ng mga may regalong kabataang Promil (Promil Gifted Children) para naman tumalino ako kahit kaunti. O kaya iimbento ako ng daungan ng pangkalawakang kinakain sa umaga bus (USB Port) para sa mga utak natin para naman maaaring ilipat sa isang kinang ikalawang bagay na maaaring paglagyan ng alaala ng kompyuter (flash disk) ang mga gusto nating makalimutan na. Nakakainis ang pagkapaulit-ulit nito. Daig pa niya ang nakakairitang pagkamatay at pagkabuhay ng sistemang ginagawa (Systems Develompent Life Cycle). Oo, yun kasi ang ginagawa namin dito sa aming pagsasanay sa trabahong On-the (On-the-Job Training). Palagi na lang kasing ganito, pero tila hindi pa rin ako nasasanay sa kahit gaano karaming beses pa ito mangyari sa akin.

At dahil diyan, sasabihin kong muli ang putang ina. Siguro naman ayos lang naman sayong mabasa ang "putang ina", hindi ba? Binigyan na kita ng babala sa titulo pa lang ng poste ng blog (blog post) kong ito.

Sabihan mo ako ng putang ina, sasabihan rin kita ng putang ina. Gusto mong magkaroon tayo ng palabas pababa ng putang ina (putang ina showdown)? Ayos lang sakin, mehn. Makikinig lang muna ako ng Jai Ho (Ikaw ang Aking Kapalaran) (Jai ho (You are My Destiny)).

Tatlong daan binawasan ng dalawang daan at dalawampu't dalawa ay walongpu't walo. Maaari na akong umalis sa putang inang trabahong ito bukas dahil bukas na namin ipapakita ang aming ginawa, ang sistemang otomatikong mahilig sa pridyider (Automatic Referencing System) at dahil sa Biyernes rin ay lagpas pitongpu't limang bahagdan (ano ba, 75% lang yan baka hindi mo alam) ng kailangan na tatlong daang oras. O 'di ba, may anking talento naman ako sa matematika. Yun nga lang, pang ika-limang baitang lang ang kaya ko. Putang ina mo, hmp.

Wah. Gutom na ako. Kakainin ko na lang nga itong biyoletang kremang tinapay (violet cream loaf) ni Mareng Julie. Sarado kami eh (we're close), inggit ka?

Borrowed Time Still Fabricates Reality (A Prelude to Clock Strikes Twenty One)

2009-05-30T07:36:00.006+08:00

Borrowed time fabricates reality.

My heart begins to beat quicker. The heart of the world begins to beat quicker with the harmony of the waves gently crashing into the shores carrying the sands of time. If we could live for an eternity, the meaning of life will not be searched by lost souls. Life, as we know it, is just humans trying to know who they are, what have they become, and what they will become. Life is the infinite tessellation of the relationships of people in search for the meaning of their existence; the reason why time is just lent to them, and not given to them.

Another year passes by. Age doesn't matter, it's how you live your life.

Well at least for me, it still does.

Three Hundred Minus One Hundred Eighty Four

2009-05-28T10:35:00.004+08:00

A man is welding an iron rod on the tenth floor of the building adjacent to our office. Before he got there, he precariously lowered his rickety carriage by the complex systems of ropes and pulleys. Even with the semi-soundproof panes of the office and the headset owning my right ear, I still heard the complaints of the pulleys as it stressed itself in its task of lowering the man to safety. The creaks of the wooden planks managed to defy all the obstructions between its lofty, outside position to my ear sitting prettily inside the ninth floor of the opposite building. The sheer height of the tenth floor coupled with the crass battering of the wind to the man's body made me wonder if that man clad in his welder's mask is happy with what he's doing. I wonder if he feels safe in being tied to a safety line which does not look sturdy at all. I wonder if his knees buckle and freeze whenever he is raised to even higher heights. I wonder if he's really willing to risk life and limb in doing his job.

I wonder if all that risk is worth taking. I wonder if he's doing the right thing.

I wonder if I'm doing what I'm supposed to do.

---
Three hundred minus one hundred eighty four equals one hundred sixteen.

One-sentence Status Two

2009-05-28T10:33:00.002+08:00

Innocent world, grant me a glamorous sky.

Rudolf, on his 184th hour at work

One-sentence Status One

2009-05-26T12:17:00.003+08:00

It's time to go when you've found your reason to stay.

Rudolf, on his 168th hour at work

Archbishop Arenne

2009-05-24T11:05:00.005+08:00

Oh hello! Are you new here? As far as we know, the only ones on this server are Arenne, Levantine, and me, Zweihander.

I thought so. You don't recognize me, do you?

Have we met somewhere?

You ARE slow, aren't you? What a dimwit.

*chuckle*

Am I missing out on something?

It's me Zweihander. It's Arenne.

Huh?

I just changed jobs. I worked hard to change from a High Priest to an Archbishop.

But your hair, does it come with the change?

Oh no. It's just that my old hairstyle doesn't suit my new attire.

Yeah. I thought that blonde hairstyle of yours was a real eyesore. Tch, good thing your hair's black now. It's much more softer on the eyes.

I'll take that as a complement, thank you.

It suits your new look well, Arenne.

Why thank you Zweihander. Not like some other people out there! Hmp.

But what made you decide to change classes?

It's because of Levantine.

Huh?

For me? Gimme a break.

I was unable to help him the last time. I changed classes so that I can help you guys more during times of need. I can protect myself better too now, so you don't need to worry about me that much.

I bet you still can't dodge too great. Heh. I think women in heels don't dodge AT ALL.

I can still cast Devotion on both of you, so don't worry. But hey, I'm sure you are more powerful now Arenne. Thanks for thinking of everyone's sake first before yours.

Arenne casts Canto Candidus. Levantine, Zweihander, and Arenne receives effects of Agility Up: AGI + 10.

Arenne casts Clementia. Levantine, Zweihander, and Arenne receives effects of Blessing: INT, DEX, STR + 10.

Arenne casts Prefatio. Levantine, Zweihander, and Arenne receives effects of Kyrie Eleison.

Arenne casts Coluceo Heal. Levantine, Zweihander, and Arenne heals 2984 HP.

Arenne casts Highness Heal on Zweihander. Zweihander recovers 11187 HP.

Wow. You really did get that strong, Arenne.

Yes, I have.

I am not changing to a Guillotine Cross, no matter what. Their armor stinks like hell.

GuitarFreaks for Dummies

2009-05-21T21:38:00.007+08:00

To navigate through menus:
Use RED and BLUE. Press START to confirm.

At the song selection screen:
To change the difficulty of a song (navigate from Basic to Extreme), hold down GREEN and PICK twice.

To increase speed by 0.5x, press GREEN, GREEN. Maximum value is at MAX(after 9.5), minumum value is 1.0x.

To change the sorting of the songs, hold down GREEN while turning the KNOB.

To select a song, press START. Holding down start will open the Game Style Menu, where all game modifiers can be accessed.

To cycle between Normal, Bass, and Open Pick Guitar Modes, PICK once, GREEN, GREEN, and then PICK again.

Game Modifiers:
SPEED: Adjusts rate of how fast the notes/hits move on the screen. Minimum of 1.0x, maximum of MAX (approximately 10.0x).

HIDDEN/SUDDEN: Makes notes/hits disappear or appear three-fourths of the way on the screen. Can be set to Off, Hidden, Sudden, Hidden + Sudden, or Stealth. Hidden + Sudden will make notes blink three-fourths of the way on the screen, while Stealth completely makes notes invisible.

DARK: Can be set to Off, Half, or Full. Half hides the life and judgment bar, while Full hides life, judgment, and beat division bars.

REVERSE: Makes notes scroll down instead of up. Can be turned On or Off.

POSITION: Changes the position of hit judgment texts (Perfect, Great, Good, Poor, and Miss). Type-A displays text above the judgment bar, while Type-B displays text below the judgment bar. Off stops judgment texts from appearing.

COMBO: Toggles combo display position. Can be set to Left, Center, Right, or Off.

RANDOM: Randomizes each column or each note. Random randomizes columns, Super Random randomizes even notes. Off is set as the default value.

LEFT: Switches RED and BLUE columns so that the guitar can be picked using the left hand (left-hand mode).

LIGHT: Turning this option on will not penalize excess hits of the PICK.

Guitar Modes:
NORMAL: Plays the melody line/guitar part of the song. Default mode and relatively harder than Bass, but not always the case.

BASS: Plays the harmony line/bass part of the song. Relatively easier than Normal, but not always the case.

OPEN: Introduces Open Picked notes to the song, wherein no buttons are pressed when picking. A horizontal line with the text "OPEN" signifies these notes.

The Unknown Condition of Levantine

2009-05-19T10:26:00.005+08:00

Something is definitely bothering you, Levantine.

Shut up.

He's always like that, Zweihander. Not yet used to him? Come on, we've been together like forever.

But Arenne, Levantine seems different today.

What? He's still the ill-tempered foul-mouthed friend I know.

Shut up, both of you.

See what I mean?

It's just that I feel weak.

Oh wow, this is new. A sentence free from any expletives!

Shush, Arenne. Why? What are you feeling?

I don't know. I don't understand it myself.

The Blind (Leading the Blind)

2009-05-12T16:01:00.012+08:00

After failing to accomplish or even start the related literature of our thesis, I went home from the ninth floor with a heavy weight burdening my eyes. My pupils were dilating erratically as I ran along the peaceful street of Upper McKinley. My reaction was to squint my eyes as the dimly lit afternoon was too much a bright spectacle for my sleep-deprived eyes to handle. It was almost half past five, but luckily, I still managed to catch the bus that would bring me back to the bustling station in Ayala. As soon as my back laid rest on my seat at the very rear of the vehicle, all my notions of consciousness went to the gnarled hands of the sandman, even if my lower back complained because of the frigid wisps of air that numbed my upper back.

Awakened by the noisy steps of the other passengers wanting to go home, my eyes suffered another case of photosensitivity. My eyes could not bear how bright the fluorescent lights installed in the bus seemed to be. My forehead wrinkled like poor velvet as I crumpled my eyes to deter any more light from blinding my tired eyes. But after a few minutes, my eyes regained composure. My face slowly straightened out to its normal, expressionless look. All the emotions of my face seemed to have been sapped by the tired appearance of my eyes. I could barely open my eyes to see if the train was packed with people or not. After squinting for the tenth time, it dawned in me that I was already inside the train, standing under another blast of air-conditioning comparable to that of a fourth of how cold it was in the arctic. A friend of mine told me that before. How I wish that he's still my friend until now, but there's no point in sulking on something already in the distant past.

As soon as the doors of the train opened in Cubao, the masses poured out like a tidal wave breaking the most impenetrable door. The people flushed themselves out of the chaos inside to the chaos outside. Sweat saturated the six-thirty air as people drenched in their own and someone else's sweat wiped their faces with whatever they had handy. I slowly treaded the stairs and avoided the weird heat emanating from the people clogging the way.

For the very first time, my eyes breathed a big sigh of relief as the stairs were dark and gloomy. Apparently, the fluorescent lamp died out.

I climbed down and waited for a bus to take me home while keeping the darkness from that flight of stairs with me. I am tired of seeing the same things over and over and over again. I am wearing out of seeing what other people don't see, and from seeing things that I do not want to see.

Sometimes, I just want to get blind and live in the darkness of the night. Sometimes, I want to see nothing else but an infinite ebony sky; without stars, without hopes. Sometimes, I yearn to go back in time and remain under a starless night, forever wishing that my dreams would be carried across the sky.

It was just a short time until I found myself standing to alight the bus. However, the man in front of me was slowly walking his way towards the exit. He didn't look old or lame, but the conductor and the other passengers on board kept assisting him.

He was blind.

I helped him alight the bus since he was in front of me. It was then that he asked me with an unsure voice if I would be willing to be his eyes until he catches a tricycle home.

Opo naman, kuya.

He placed his hands on my tired shoulders. His hand felt distracting, but at the same time relieving. Each and every step of his was a small victory in my sight. Each obstacle we overcame was a deep relief on my part. I held his hand on my shoulder and told him that we were almost there. I did not let go of his calloused hand until he was carefully climbing the tricycle to bring him home.

As I walked another distance, my shoulder felt light. The blind man was no longer holding it. Each and every step I took meant nothing, and each obstacle I avoided gave me no relief. I placed my hand on my shoulder and felt an emptiness: nothing was there but the strap of my bag.

It was about that time that everything became clear. Or did it?

(Three hundred minus eighty-eight equals two hundred twelve.)

16 Factor Test Results

2009-05-12T15:18:00.003+08:00

Cattell's 16 Factor Test Results

Warmth	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	86%
Intellect	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	42%
Emotional Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	42%
Aggressiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	26%
Liveliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	38%
Dutifulness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	78%
Social Assertiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Sensitivity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Paranoia	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%
Abstractness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	78%
Introversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Anxiety	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	82%
Openmindedness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Independence	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	86%
Perfectionism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Tension	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%

Take Cattell 16 Factor Test (similar to 16pf)
personality tests by similarminds.com

THIS 071006

2009-05-06T21:48:00.005+08:00

On each row place a letter which can be substituted for the fourth letter of the words either side to form two other words. When completed a type of bird will be read downwards. What is it?

FORGE BRINK
CHEAP GREET
FROST PLATE
SPECK BREED
CURVY SCALE
STARS PRESS

(Clue? "Food phobia")

Mensa Brainteaser 07/10/06

The Reality (Three Hundred Minus Fifty-six)

2009-05-06T20:34:00.004+08:00

Becoming one with the masses who commute each and every day wasn't that difficult. You just have to do what they do and you'll be fine. You only need to climb the escalator leading to the train station with groggy eyes filled with the monotony of everyday life. You just need to hurry along, and push aside anyone who gets in your way. You push people, intentionally or unintentionally, as people push you aside as well. People push each other, like they're pushing their virtues aside just to board the train that could only fit less than a hundred. You just need to think like them: you need to get to work because you need to earn money, but the only thing is you don't have any salary in the company you're working for.

You arrive at your office, and fight to wake yourself up. The task drains every bit of energy you gathered in a five-hour sleep, leaving you as productive as a cat taking a nap. With the world slowly spinning to a messy, messy blur, your head intermittently falls idle which results in the obvious bobbing of your head, just like a chicken desperately pecking the ground for any kind of grub. The hours pass with you fighting yourself, with you almost losing to your very own self.

The monotony is just too cumbersome to bear. However, there are a few people who stood above the uniformity of office life. They, at some point in your stay, are slowly becoming more than just a superior in the office. The thought gives you the faculties you need to make the push until 5:23 pm. You rush the big office floor to the reception to log out and press the call button to descend nine floors. Finally, another office day has passed. Finally, you are home bound, free from all the conformity you need to distort yourself to. You feel how nice the cool air is. Even if the skies look bleak and depressed, your hopes flicker a small ember of peace that after nine hours, you're out of the office. The air gently kissing your face was a testament to that, and it fed the small ember the fuel it needed to become a small, warm fire.

But as you step inside the bus to take you home, you meet the same people in your department. However, they are different. You try to muster a shy smile, however, they do not respond. They just look forward and gaze into an invisible reality, with their eyes welling up with the monotony of their life.

THIS 011006

2009-04-28T15:23:00.005+08:00

Place the same two letters in the exact center of each word so that five longer words are formed.Which two letters should be used?

CARS EARS LAST PANT WARS

Mensa Brainteaser 01/10/06

Three Hundred Minus Ten and Forty-Two

2009-04-28T10:39:00.007+08:00

Nagpapasalamat ako kay Sir Arjay dahil may pinagawa siya sa akin right away. Ang ibig sabihin lang nito ay hindi agad ako na-engage sa Petiks Mode. Medyo naging busy ako for the last two hours, kakabaklas at kakapalit ng mga CPU dahil pinahanap ako ni Sir ng driver para sa computer na iyon dahil nga hindi nila mahanapan ng driver. Hindi ma-activate ang Windows dahil walang internet connection, so nahihirapan akong malaman kung ano nga ba talaga yung model ng computer na ito. More than five pagpapalits na ata ang nagawa ko pero all were for naught. Sabi ni Sir Lloyd (o 'di ba may Sir na kasi close na kami, daw) IBM ThinkCenter M50 raw yung problem unit. M50 nga pero ang problema, maraming klase ng M50. Hindi niya ata mapinpoint kung anong release ng M50 yung unit, pero wala naman atang kaso dahil sa site ng Lenovo/IBM, September 2003 pa ang most recent and official release ng driver para sa onboard ethernet adapter. Sinabihan ko rin kanina na kausapin na nila ni Raf si Ma'am Tina para naman bigyan kami ng project na magagawa namin with minimum supervision. Ngayon kasi para kaming mga hammer-driven nails. De pukpok, hindi babaon hangga't hindi tinatamaan ng martilyo. Gusto ko man magpakita ng initiative on my part, hindi ko magawa talaga kasi parang walang initiative ang mga tao dito sa amin. I mean hindi ko sinasabing maging buhay don kami rito, it's just that sobrang nakakapagod ang pigilan ang inescapable sleepiness for eight hours at nakakaantok ang tumunganga lang sa monitor for four and four hours.

O 'di ba. Wala na ata akong napopost dito sa blog ko na something about substantially blog-worthy. Puro na lang dahil-walang-ginagawa-sa-office-at-sobrang-inaantok-na-ako ang mga posts ko.

Three Hundred Minus Eight

2009-04-27T23:41:00.002+08:00

Hay, ang sarap kumain kapag gutum na gutom ka na, at ang sarap umupo kapag pagud na pagod na ang mga paa mo sa loob ng mainit na sapatos. Ang sarap ng pakiramdam na nakauwi ka na matapos ang isang buong araw nang pagtunganga at paghihintay sa mga ibibigay na trabahong angkop para sa iyong kurso.

Sa totoo lang, hindi ko alam kung matutuwa ba ako o malulungkot, pero kahit papaano ay magagawa kong magpasalamat dahil natapos ang araw na ito nang walang nangyayaring masama sa akin.

Three hundred minus eight equals two hundred ninety two.

Three Hundred Minus Four

2009-04-27T14:00:00.008+08:00

Sampung minuto pa lang noong sinamahan ako ni Miss Tina sa aking magiging work area for an indefinite period of time, naramdaman ko nang nag-activate ang Petiks Mode. Tapos na ang pagiging bum. Tapos na ang buhay sa bahay habang ang lahat ng mga kaibigan mo ay nagsisimula na sa kanya-kanyang mga OJT. Oras nang magpapetiks-petiks ulit kaya't muli kong nalasap ang Petiks Mode.

Hanggang ngayon wala pang pinapagawa sa akin si Lloyd, yung person na pinaubaya ni Miss Tina para magbigay sa akin ng trabaho. Mukhang busing-busy kasi siya at ilang beses niya rin nabanggit na wala talaga siyang maibigay na trabaho sa akin, so ito, bagot na bagot na ako at gusto ko nang mag 5:05pm. Medyo nalate kasi kami kanina dahil kailangan ko pang magbihis sa Mcdo sa tabi ng One World Square. So kumusta naman ako? Well ito, buhay pa kahit papaano. Nakakabaliw kung gaano katahimik sa sobrang laking office na ito. Nakakabingi na ang monotonous humming ng sobrang lamig na aircon. Kung hindi iyon ang maririnig mo, paminsan-minsan may mga yabag na lalagpas sa iyo habang may pumipindot ng backspace doon sa kabilang mesa. I looked forward in seeing the long and short hands of the wall clock hanging about 10 meters away from me to align at 12, pero sabi sa akin ni Amboy mga 12:30pm raw sila kumakain kasi masyado raw maraming tao kapag eksaktong 12. Nung mga 12:15pm, inaya ako ni Lloyd kumain pero sabi ko sa kanya thanks, hintayin ko na lang sina Raf at Amboy. Yun ata yung sinasabi nilang "business friendly". The whole time kasi focused na focused si Lloyd sa tables sa kanyang laptop.

Grabe. Mukhang kailangan talaga noong Scope of Work na binigay ko kay Miss Tina kanina. Sana talaga bigyan kami ng project para naman hindi kami parang mga tuod dito na panakaw-nakaw ng tulog. Patuka-tuka dahil hindi na mapigilan, papikit-pikit sa maliwanag na ilaw at nagluluha nang mga mata sa antok, at pasulyap-sulyap kung may pagkakataon bang matulog kahit 47 seconds lang.

Nag-aaral na lang ako ng basic PHP para naman maging productive kahit papaano ang unang araw ko dito sa 3M. Nakatulog na nga ako actually dahil sa sobrang wala akong ginagawa. Ngayon lang ako nainis na wala akong ginagawa. Bukod sa pag-aaral ng basic PHP (na nag-a-allow pala na makapag-embed ka code and function sa loob ng HTML, sorry naman hindi ko yun alam), ginamit ko ang Blackle upang makapagtipid ng kuryente para kay Mother Earth at inilagay ang "How to gain weight". Mukhang kailangan ko atang mag-resistance training ng at least 30 minutes a day at kumain ng over 2,300 healthy calories para maabot ang ideal weight kong 160 lbs. At wow, ngayon ko lang rin nalaman na hindi pala ako 50 lbs underweight, 30 lbs lang pala. Bigla tuloy akong namotivate ituloy ang workout routine ni Scooby. Pero ang sabi, ang cardio exercises raw ay to lose fat, pero gusto ko siyang gawin para tumaas ang aking stamina at resistensiya. Mukhang wala na nga talaga akong gagawing office-related today kasi may meeting ngayon si Lloyd and guess what, 5:00pm ito matatapos. So, may ipapagawa kaya siya sa akin in 5 minutes? Tingnan natin. Babalik na muna ako sa aking Hyper Petiks Mode Overdrive na nag-activate noong nagsialisan ang mga big boys and girls (literally yung isang girl) dahil may meeting sila na ayon kina Raf at Amboy, halos araw-araw daw.

Victory

2009-04-23T20:20:00.002+08:00

JAI HO

Desperate Measures [Act VI]

2009-04-22T02:31:00.002+08:00

Oh come on. Over thirty companies na ata ang pinasahan ko ng requirements para sa Internship. God. Last week na ng April next week, and hanggang ngayon, wala pa rin akong trabaho. I need to render 300 hours and less than 7 weeks na lang ang natitira for me to complete it. Impossible? Almost. Kailangan kong mag-overtime everyday, given the fact na pwede sa company ang mag-overtime. Fuck the working world. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit lahat ng kablock ko ay nagtatrabaho na somewhere in the Earth, kaya may karapatan silang ipagmayabang ang kanilang first day or ang kanilang pagod sa kani-kaniyang Y!M status. Putang ina niyo, kung hindi niyo alam yun.

At I'm pissed off on the people who would set an appointment and then wouldn't show up. I mean come on! Hindi mo ba alam kung gaano ko kailangan yung interview na yun? At least in some invisible way, gumagaan yung loob ko kasi nakikita kong may ginagawa ako. Damn. Damn it all. Nakakainis si Tina Roxas dahil bukod sa spam napunta ang email niyang sinusummon ako sa 3M kaninang alas-otso ng umaga, hindi siya sumipot. Naghintay ako ng mahigit sa isang oras sa malamig nilang lobby habang pawisan na ang likod ko sa init ng long sleeves ko at sa layo ng nilakad namin dahil napakalost ng McKinley Hill. Nairita rin ako kung bakit nauuna ang one at two sa three dahil kailangan naming daanan ang One World Square at Two World Square dahil sa Three World Square ang office ng 3M. Twice na ito nangyari sa akin ha. Twice considering na tatlo out of the over thirty pa lang ang nagreply sa aking distress calls para sa interview. Leche. Leche flan at pastillas de leche.

Finollow-up ko na yung KFC and Mister Donut Philippines na yan. Pero hay nako walang reply. Nakakaiyak na nakakainis na nakakastress na nakakawalang gana na. What a feeling. Hindi ko na talaga ma-enjoy ang pagka-walang-pasok ko dahil sa kailalim-laliman ng aking cerebral cortex or what's left of it, nananatili pa ring 300 hours ang aking requirement samantalang 260 less na ang sa iba. Huwag mo akong pagalitan na huwag i-compare ang sarili sa iba, fuck you. Hindi ko lang talaga maintindihan kung bakit sa akin kailangan mangyari na dalawang interview ang kailangan kong mamiss dahil hindi sumipot si Mr. X o si Ms. Y, at kung magkakaroon man ako ng trabaho, kailangan kong lunukin ang pride ko big time. Isipin mo na lang na hollow block ang nilulunok ni Narda tuwing tatawagin niya si Darna.

Fuck my life. Taste victory, swallow defeat. Ganyan naman ata ang buhay ko.

41 Questions

2009-04-22T01:29:00.003+08:00

Stolen from Jay. (Trend na talaga ang nakawan these days)

Your personality type:

Quietly forceful, original and sensitive. Tend to stick to things until they are done. Extremely intuitive about people and concerned for their feelings. Well-developed value systems which they strictly adhere to. Well-respected for their perserverence in doing the right thing. Likely to be individualistic, rather than leading or following.

Careers that could fit you include:

Counselors, clergy, missionaries, teachers, medical doctors, dentists, chiropractors, psychologists, psychiatrists, writers, musicians, artists, psychics, photographers, child care workers, education consultants, librarians, marketeers, scientists, social workers.

Inggit? Take it here.

Monotony

2009-04-21T23:37:00.002+08:00

I have something to say about this, but I'm just not really up to it. I'm tired of all the HR people who schedule you for an interview and not show up on the scheduled date and time.

What a waste of effort.

In Doubt?

2009-04-13T19:28:00.004+08:00

Why do I feel that God isn't giving me anything for my practicum? Is it because when I pray, I pray for other people first, and me last? Is it because I specifically pray for other people's needs, and I just say Lord, bahala na kayo sa akin?

I'm just worried about the time I have to complete the 300 hours required for my practicum. Everyone has started their jobs today or even last week, and here I am almost desperate to get a job.

And today, I almost lost my rosary. Almost. It fell out from my pocket as I yanked my hanky to wipe the beads of sweat that were forming on my forehead.

Lord, bahala na kayo sa akin.

Kapuso (Part III? Not Really)

2009-04-10T07:14:00.005+08:00

My day became boggled when I learned that I needed to call KFC and Mister Donut Philippines to confirm my interest in continuing my application for internship in their comapany. I did not sleep during the night -- my plan was to call as soon as they were available, 9:00am, set my appointment later that day, then go to sleep and wake up a two hours before my scheduled exam and interview. I groggily dialed their number, and after a few rings, a man answered the phone. A series of questions and answers followed, and after a few redirections of the line, I was left with the hassled feeling of the need to come in business attire and the need to aquire Ma'am Jess' signatures for the documents the company was requesting from me. Half past ten, I suddenly became even more pressured as Ma'am Jess announced that the department was only open up until noon. I rushed to print my resume, endorsement, and recommendation. Time was running short, too short that if I failed to arrive at Katipunan at twelve, not only would I fail to get the signatures, but I will probably bomb my chances of entering the company as I will be coming there with incomplete documents. After barely being touched by my soap in a very crude bath, I searched for my slacks, only to find its pockets still stitched after working in Robinsons Supermarket Marikina as a bagger. Getting a sharp object lying in my parent's bedroom, I passed it through the thread that bound the pockets and set them free again to hold my phone, wallet, handkerchief, and rosary. After getting dressed, I fumbled in opening the box of my leather shoes, the same shoes that I wore the previous day. As I wore the shoes, I remembered how cumbersome my feet felt. But the man said to come in business attire, so I didn't have any other choice.

Good thing Mamie was supportive enough that she all the way to Leong Hall, a few meters away where Ma'am Jess was waiting. And the heat started to make my back trickle with beads of sweat as soon as I left the cold air-conditioning provided by our car.

Putang ina naman ang init na 'to. 'Tang ina talaga.

Half past eleven, I was done with my documents. But my schedule was not until three in the afternoon. I went to Gateway and decided to kill time there by spending what was left of my load in Timezone. It was weird to see myself go there and play the games I usually play dressed in my favorite (but I'm not saying I wear this often, it's just that its the best looking one I have) striped long-sleeved polo, black slacks, and leather shoes. I sensed a hidden curiosity in them on why I was dressed like that. I could tell by the way they looked at me the first time they saw me wearing get-up. I can't blame them since not many people come there in sleeves and slacks, let alone someone they are used to seeing wearing just casual clothes and sneakers or canvases. Time moved on quickly, and soon, I was eating a hurried fifty-peso lunch in McDonalds Panay Avenue. It was almost two in the afternoon, and I had to leave as soon as possible since I still had to navigate along uncharted roads in seach for the place of my exam. I tried to fix my appearance and look fresh, but I can't say I managed to do so. The intense heat that bore on me as I travelled has worn me out. Good thing there were cabs waiting outside, and the one I hopped into knew where RAMCOR Building along Roces Avenue was.

The driver had such a pleasing personality. We clicked instantly as soon as he said he knew the place. Each one of us threw half-jokes and kept each other entertained, in some way or the other. He was worried that he might not make the boundary since there wasn't much people on the streets, and I was worried on what was to take place and what I involved myself to.

I arrived at the place half past two. Sir Carl approached me a few minutes after I arrived and said that I was early, and that we had to wait for the other applicant to arrive. The other applicant, a girl whose first impression on me was she was a rich kid, arrived quarter to three. There was a clear separation of people in that hall: the ones dressed in business attire, and the ones who were dressed casually. I don't want to jump into conclusions, but I did not like that division at all.

Nothing happened even an hour after I arrived. My lack of sleep heavily invited my eyes to close and sleep, but before I fell to sleep, Sir Carl gathered the two of us into a room at the end of the reception hall. Inside, we were asked to fill up forms, and it was there that I learned that the other applicant, Geoanna, was also an Atenean. But Sir Carl gave me no time to chat with Geoanna as he administered the test right away. It was difficult, especially the Verbal part.

After squeezing my brains out for over an hour, I was able to chat with Geoanna. I initiated a small talk about her also hailing from Ateneo, which in turn became a long conversation about how difficult it was for us to find a job, when our own friends had their respective job sites already. I forgot how sleepy I was until she was called to another room where Sir Jim was to interview her.

As I sat in the now empty reception hall, I stared to feel anxious. I didn't know what I would tell the good-looking man with a nice smile. I didn't know if I should brag about my achievements or if I would remain true to my humility of heart. Unable to anticipate what his questions were, I started to feel afraid. It was during that moment that a Kuya mopped the floor. Employees did not take notice of what he was doing, and left the mopped tiles printed with dirt again. Kuya, with patience, mopped the floor clean anew. Seeing his tired arms, shoulders, and eyes, I lifted my feet up and stepped on the dark tiles of the floor's simple design.

Kuya, nadudumihan, eh.

Ayos lang yan!

As I looked on my leather shoes, I remembered how uncomfortable it was wearing that pair of shoes. However, during that moment, I felt different. My feet felt light that I was able to move them so that a persevering man's efforts wouldn't be wasted. Fourteen past six, Geoanna came out of the room, which unveiled my moment of truth. Like a thunderbolt in a cloudy but silent night sky, the tall man's voice tore the silence that embraced and protected me. My feet, lifting my small frame, slowly led me inside the room where my prior anxieties would be realized or dispelled.

Kapuso (Part II)

2009-04-07T19:57:00.005+08:00

I approached the security guard and told him that I had an appointment with Miss Ali Dedicatoria on the seventh floor. He was unsure whether Miss Ali was already upstairs, so he asked for identification and dialed the local of the seventh floor. As soon as he read my last name, he asked whether Miss Ali and I are related in any way.

Ah, pinsan ko po.

Pareho kasi kayong Nokom, eh.

He told me that she was still not in her office, and asked me to wait in the waiting lounge. I entered the small, air-conditioned room that was almost full of people from different walks of life. The television tuned into channel seven (of course) distracted them from looking at each other, questioning themselves the different reasons why the people waiting in there met in that small, cramped, window-lit room. My eyes tried to wander around and look at the people around me, but the discomfort my feet which have only worn sneakers for the past three years felt in wearing leather shoes stopped me from my attempts. I ended up watching Gelli, Janice, and Carmina cook different sorts of food for almost twenty minutes. But from time to time, people who looked like social workers came in and questioned people sitting beside me and behind me. As it turns out, those people where there because of their lost children, siblings, or relatives. They brought along pictures of their missing loved ones, and all the poeple attending to them could do was to tell them they would do their best to air their grief. What relief would that do, I thought.

I went outside and asked Kuya if Miss Ali is already upstairs. After a few minutes, he gave me a visitor's ID and directed me to the building where all the important people of the Kapuso network is. After almost getting lost several times, I managed to arrive at the lobby and press the call button of the three elevators. An elevator soon opened, and after the surge of people rushing out, I stepped in, along with several other people.

As the elevator paneled with three mirrors hummed and climbed its vertical corridor, I thought how fast life is. As I looked at the man in the mirror staring directly at me, I realized that I'm no longer a kid. In less than a year or so, I will be the ones walking all over the metro for a well-paying job, or at least a job one likes to have. Well, my search for a company for internship is not different, I guess.

As the elevator produced its familiar ding-dong on the seventh floor, I prepared myself for what was to come. As the doors slid open, I was fascinated by what greeted me: there inside glass cabinets were the armors of Danaya, Alena, Pirena, and Amihan; the four Sang'gres of Encantadia, a show which I avidly watched during the time it was aired in the station. That made me build my courage and as I turned and entered the entertainment division, I saw Miss Ali and addressed her that way, even if we were cousins.

I brought my documents, but apparently, they needed the letters from the school. She directed me to Miss Princess, who would forward my application directly to the HR department. Before I left the floor, Miss Ali wrote her number in a small pink piece of Post-it, and handed it to me as she said to update her on my progress. I thanked her plenty, and without further delay, headed to Ateneo and acquired Sir Agloro's signatures for both Endorsement and Recommendation letters. Rushing back to the GMA Complex, I handed over my complete documents to Miss Princess and texted Miss Ali about it.

"Ok, tnx!: )"

For some reason, my size thirteen feet kept bugging me. It kept irritating me that I missed the chance to casually talk to people sitting next beside me. Everyone knows the feeling of everyone looking at you when you enter a room, but not everyone knows the weird atmosphere of people still looking at you fifteen minutes after you have entered the same room.

Kapuso (Part I)

2009-04-07T02:37:00.004+08:00

I am writing this in the morning of the day I am to meet with Ali Marie N. Dedicatoria, Executive Producer of GMA 7. I will be meeting her later at 11:00am in the Entertainment Division, 7/F GMA Building, Edsa corner Timog Avenue, Diliman, Quezon City. I have revised my resume and my objective now reads as follows:

Use and apply my skills in programming as an Intern to gain working experience in the field of Interactive Multimedia

which directly applies to my chosen course

Bachelor of Science in Computer Science
Specialization in Interactive Multimedia

I hate to admit it but, I am heavily banking in meeting Miss Ali for internship. I have inquired and applied for so many companies, but none of them replied.

I think the contact details in my resume are wrong? Nah.

Trust Issues

2009-04-06T04:55:00.003+08:00

I have said this before: I easily trust people.

In my opinion, the cause of this ease of trust is the way I look at people. I instinctively brand the people I meet and have conversations with as good and incapable of doing any kind of harm out of pure malice. Blindly looking at people's true motives and intentions, I seek the small refuge they might offer in their sharing or "sharing" of their self. Things happen over and over again; people enter and leave my life as if it was untouched, unmarred, or without any kind of scars. And the end of each farewell, my tears roll down my cheeks no matter how hard I try to muster everything inside. I readily open my palms in preparation to gently catch and fondly caress what they will throw to me as their own being, but in doing so, they cover a hidden desire which remains cloaked in mystery until the damage is done and the pain is felt.

No matter how heinous or atavistic a person looks, deep inside me a voice lingers saying words that mark the belief that a good person resides inside that appearance. Deception is at work: either me deceiving myself into feel-good and heroic structures, or them putting up a concrete barrier to make the visible be invisible to the eyes of someone gullible like me. It is just that seldom do I interact with people outside my zones, and in that seldom occasion that someone steps into my circle, my hunger for closely-knit ties rumbles my senses and opens my whole in their mercy. But that does not justify everything. It does not support anything.

I have trouble trusting myself, but I have no problem trusting other people.

I guess this is one of my obvious weaknesses,
but I hope someone could look into it as a strength,

so that I may start believing in myself in a way that can ratify my sense of self-perception.

Si Nicole

2009-04-04T05:08:00.002+08:00

Maganda si Nicole. Maputi, matangos ang ilong, mahaba at mabango ang buhok, mahinhin ngunit paminsan-minsan, napapausal ng mura. Kaklase ko si Nicole sa Ph101 at Ph102 ni Mariano. Ikinuwento ko kay Lucky na crush ko si Nicole, at sa ikinagulat ko, kilala pala niya si Nico. Hindi naman ako kilig to the bones. Hindi ko rin hiningi ang ID niya sa Y!M o kaya ang number niya mula kay Lucky. Hindi ko alam. Siguro hindi ko pa siya sobrang crush noon, o kung crush na crush ko na talaga siya, baka dahil gusto ko na ako ang humingi ng contacts niya mula sa kanya mismo. Parang bang walang nilaga kung walang tiyaga. Type ko si Nicole, pero dahil sa napakagaling kong ugali, lumipas ang isang semestre na wala akong ginagawa. Nakuntento na lang ako sa mga nakaw na silip sa kanyang magandang mukha sa sulok ng aking paningin na si Mariano ang bida. Wala akong magagawa, alangan namang titigan ko siya palagi. Dalawa ang tiyak kong mangyayari: una, pagagalitan ako ni Mike (close kami, kayo hindi) at pagmumukhaing isang malaking hunghang ang kanyang estudyanteng gusto ata tanungin kung available ba ang isa pa niyang estudyante, at pangalawa, matatakot si Nicole sa akin katulad na lang ng pagkatakot ng isang mayuming dalaga sa isang lumilipad na ipis. Hindi halaman si Nicole kaya wala siyang stalk-er. Wehe ang korni.

Kaya nagulat na lang ako sa pagkakataon noong nakalipas na semestre dahil inilapit ni Mike ang upuan ko sa upuan ni Nicole. Sabi nga ni Garde, chance ko na ito para mas makilala si Nicole. Ngunit ang problema, may nakaupo sa gitna namin ni Nicole, si Paolo Duay, at sa kasamaan o kabutihang palad, siya ang mas nakilala ko. Transferee student siya mula sa Ateneo de Davao, at graduating na siya ngayong taon na ito. Kalbo at balbas sarado, magkaibang-magkaiba sila ni Nicole na maganda at mabango sa aking mga mata at ilong. Si Paolo kasi, sobrang maton ang itsura at palaging amoy yosi na pilit itinatago sa Clorets ang amoy. Buti pa si Nicole, amoy pabango ng babae at Doublemint. Pero hindi ko sinasabi na ayaw ko kay Paolo. Ayos nga siyang kausap eh. Hanga rin ako sa mga suot ni Paolo. Lagi siyang naka tight-fit shirt at tight jeans. Kaya tuloy, laging bakat ang kanyang tiyan at ang kanyang kuwan, hita. Ang bastos mo naman.

Lumipas ang semestre, at naunang natapos sa kurso si Paolo. Bakante na ang kanyang upuan ng isang buwan. Lumipat ako sa upuan niya para makatabi si Nicole, at sa malaking ikinagulat ko, kebs si Mike na sobrang maarte sa kanyang seat plan. Siguro dahil nakita niyang wala na akong katabi, at siguro dahil nakita niyang type ko si Nicole. Well siguro yung nauna kasi hindi ko naman ipinapakitang type ko si Nicole. Torpe ako eh. Siguro psychic si Mike dahil sa isang group activity, magkasama kami ni Nicole sa isang grupo. At doon ko nalaman ang Y!M ID ni Nicole, at noong lumaon, ang kanyang numero sa selepono. Pero gaya ng inaasahan sa lahat ng relasyong classmate-classmate, school lang ang silbi ng pagpapalitang iyon.

Pero ayos lang sa akin, dahil naging kaibigan ko na si Nicole. Sa hindi malamang dahilan, nawala na ang pagnanais kong makilala siya sa isang napakalalim na nibel.

Nicole rin ang pangalan ng aso nina EJ. Nakakatuwa ang aso nila na iyon kasi ang hilig matulog sa hita ng tao. Nung minsan na nagpunta ako kina EJ para gumawa ng project sa CS110, tumalon sa hita ko si Nicole at doon pumuwesto ng tulog. Nakakatuwa. Ang init ng katawan niya kaya ang sarap niyang kalungin. Nawawala ang pagod at ang pagkasabaw ng utak ko sa bawat paghipo at paghimas ko sa amoy asong katawan ni Nicole. Ang cute cute niya kasi, at ang init pa niya. Naaalala ko pa ang longganisa factory ni Nicole na bigla na lang gagawa ng isang mahabang-mahabang longganisang dyebs na iiwan niya sa sahig ng bahay nina EJ. Nakakatuwang panoorin siyang pumupu habang pinagagalitan ni EJ dahil kalilinis lang niya ng sahig nila.

IV BS Computer Science

2009-04-03T03:12:00.003+08:00

Ayan na ang nakalagay sa aking AISIS account.

Nakakagulat. Parang kahapon lang ang unang araw ng Viaje, ang Freshmen Orientation Seminar ko mga tatlong taon na ang nakalilipas. Naalala ko pa ang pakiramdam ng pawisan kong damit na kulay berde; ang amoy ng pawis na may kasamang pagod, saya, at pananabik; ang pakiramdam ng init ng araw habang iniisip kung anong klaseng mga tao ang aking mga makakasama sa loob ng apat na taon; at ang magkasamang takot at pangungulila sa isang lugar na pamilyar ang tao at ang pakiramdam.

Pero sadyang napakabilis talaga ng panahon. Hindi mo namamalayan ang paglipas ng tatlong taon. Malalaman mo lang na tapos na ito kapag tapos na nga talaga ito. Hindi mo maramdaman ang isang uri ng pananatili sa isang punto ng oras. Hindi mo maramdaman ang oras na umaagos sa iyong mga palad, na parang tubig na umaagos sa isang taimtim na ilog. Hindi mo ito kayang ipunin gamit ang iyong mga palad. Lagi lang itong dadaloy sa isang walang katapusang paraan na kung saan ang magagawa mo na lamang ay panoorin at pakinggan ito. Hindi ko lang talaga lubusang maintindihan kung bakit mabilis ang oras sa mga panahong masaya ka, ngunit tila tumitigil ito sa isang nakakapagod na pag-usad kapag tila madilim ang panahong umiikot sa iyong pagkatao.

Tatlong taon na ang nakalipas noong kulay berde pa ang bahagi ng aking ID na kung saan nakasulat ang 062486.

Dalawang taon na ang lumipas noong pula ang bahaging iyon ng aking ID.

Noong isang taon, kulay langit ito,

at sa pasukan, asul na ito - simbolo ng pagtatapos; at sana simbolo ng aking matagumpay na pakikipaglaban sa isa sa mga biyaya ng buhay bilang isang Atenista, anak, kapatid, at kaibigan.

Beginning of the End ~ Four Down One to Go

2009-03-26T12:09:00.002+08:00

FINALS WEEK
[x] Pilosopiya ng Tao 102: Huling Pabigkas na Pagsusulit
[x] Marriage and Sexuality - Theology 131 Finals
[x] Operating Systems - CS162 Final Moodle Exam
[x] Object-oriented Programming - CS124 Finals
[ ] Object-oriented Programming - CS124 Hibernate Project

[ ] FIND A JOB

----

I can feel it. But I must fight it.

The unbearable wait for freedom is excruciatingly sweet, however I must hold on until that time of delayed gratification comes.

Life is sometimes all about that.

Beginning of the End ~ Two Down Three to Go

2009-03-23T18:38:00.004+08:00

FINALS WEEK
[x] Pilosopiya ng Tao 102: Huling Pabigkas na Pagsusulit
[x] Marriage and Sexuality - Theology 131 Finals
[ ] Operating Systems - CS162 Final Moodle Exam
[ ] Object-oriented Programming - CS124 Finals
[ ] Object-oriented Programming - CS124 Hibernate Project

[ ] FIND A JOB

----

Finally, I see the light at the end of this very, very long tunnel. March hasn't been very cooperative to me, let alone my focus in my academics. Time and time again, I have swamped my chances of a better feeling after a long and intense period of studying. My weight twittered to a dangerous range as the lack of sleep took its toll. I felt my immune system slowly shut down due to the skipped meals which lurched my stomach. My eyes always carry a heavy load of missed hours of rest, and my mind regresses to a very slow slate, as if it is trapped in an invisible and seemingly inescapable ditch. To relieve the tensions knotting my wits, expletives fly from my mouth to the air that reeked of something within reach, but still far from one's yearning grip.

However, I am somehow keeping things together.

Wonderwall

2009-03-21T01:49:00.005+08:00

Wonderwall
Oasis

	Oasis - Wonderwall

	Found at skreemr.com

Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
But I don't know how

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now

And all the roads that lead to you there are winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
But I don't know how

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me?
And after an
You're my wonderwall

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me

Dani California

2009-03-21T01:41:00.004+08:00

Dani California
Red Hot Chili Peppers

	Red Hot Chili Peppers - Dani California

	Found at skreemr.com

Getting born in the state of Mississippi
Papa was a copper and mama was a hippie
In Alabama she would swing a hammer
Price you gotta pay when you break the panorama
She never knew that there was anything more than poor
What in the world does your company take me for

Black bandanna, sweet Louisiana
robbin' on a bank in the state of Indiana
She's a runner, rebel and a stunner
On her merry way sayin; baby whatcha gonna
Lookin' down the barrel of a hot metal .45
Just another way to survive

California rest in peace
Simultaneous release
California show your teeth
She's my priestess, I'm your priest

She's a lover, baby, and a fighter
Shoulda seen it coming when it got a little brighter
With a name like Dani California
The day was gonna come when I was gonna mourn ya
A little loaded, she was stealing another breath
I love my baby to death

California rest in peace
Simultaneous release
California show your teeth
She's my priestess, I'm your priest

Who knew the other side of you?
Who knew that others died to prove
Too true to say good bye to you
Too true to say say say..

Push the fader gifted animator
One for the now and eleven for the later

Never made it up to Minnesota
North Dakota man was a gunnin' for the quota

Down in the badlands she was savin' the best for last
It only hurts when I laugh
Gone too fast..

California rest in peace
Simultaneous release,
California show your teeth,
She's my priestess, I'm your priest

Ang Last Day ni Kuya Jhun

2009-03-08T19:49:00.004+08:00

Isang buwan nang huli ang post na ito. February 8, 2009 natapos ang kontrata ni Kuya Jhun, pero ngayon ko lang magagawan ng post ang tungkol sa kanya.

Kagaya ng nakasanayan ko nang gawin, nagpunta ako sa Gateway matapos ang nag-iisang klase ko tuwing Martes. Hindi na ako kumain ng tanghalian dahil na rin nagtitipid ako. Hindi ako kumain noong araw na iyon para may pang-load ako sa Timezone dahil nga panandaliang nawala ang Student Promo nila dahil malapit na ang Christmas Break. Sayang kasi talaga. Ipakita mo lang ang ID mo kapag magpapa-load ka ng P200.00, at magiging P300.00 ang load mo. Hindi ako gastador na nauubos ko ang load na iyon sa isang araw, ang katotohanan niyan ay ipinagkakasya ko na ang load na ito sa loob ng dalawa hanggang tatlong linggo. Mahigpit na kung mahigpit ang sinturon ko noon, yun nga lang, sa Timezone.

At dahil sayang na sayang ako na wala na ang promong iyon, tinanong ko sa isang kuya doon kung ibabalik pa ba nila yung Student Promo ng Timezone.

Sir, sa isang taon na po. Isasabay po sa pasukan.

Oo nga naman.

Kinabukasan, sa rason na hindi ko na matandaan, nagpunta ulit ako sa Timezone. Nakasalubong ko si kuya na pinagtanungan ko noong nakalipas na araw, at sa isang hindi inaasahang pagkakataon, tumango siya noong nakita niya ako. Ngumiti na lang ako pabalik. Lumipas ang isang linggo, at nangailangan ko na ulit magpaload dahil P100.00 lang ang pinapa-load ko. Sa mga sandaling iyon, si kuya pala ang nakatoka sa Timezone sa Food Express, at sa kanya ako nagpa-load dahil gusto kong maglaro ng Tekken 6. Pagkatango niya sa akin at pagkangiti ko sa kanya, inabot ko na ang card ko kasama ang pera.

Sir, dagdagan ko kayo ng free game ha.

Natuwa ako dahil yun rin ang ginagawa ni Ate Myles kapag nagpapaload ako sa kanya.

Masayang-masaya akong naglaro ng PercussionFreaks 5th Mix. Pagkatapos noong una kong kanta doon, nilapitan ako ni kuya at inabutan ako ng higit sa limang Free Two Games na coupon.

Sir, eto o, free games pa.

At lalo pa akong naging masaya. Ang babaw kasi ng kaligayahan ko, at masaya ako na mababaw ang kaligayahan ko.

Simula noon, nag-usap na kami ni kuya tungkol sa kung anu-ano. Dahil isang linggo siyang toka sa ibaba, marami ring pagkakataon na nag-usap kami.

Kuya, Rudolf. Iniabot ko ang kamay ko.

Jhun.

Makalipas ng ilang linggo, naging mas personal na ang mga pinag-uusapan namin ni Kuya Jhun. Ikuwento niya sa akin na hindi siya nakapagtapos sa PMI dahil naging tambay raw siya ng bilyaran sa kanila. Dati raw siyang panadero, at naikwento niya sa akin yung dating nag-apply siya sa isang hotel bilang isang pastry chef. Nakakatuwa dahil parang natupad raw ang mga pangarap ni Kuya Jhun dahil kumpletong-kumpleto raw ang mga kagamitan sa hotel na sinubukan niyang pinasukan. Naikwento rin niya sa akin kung gaano kahirap ang trabaho doon sa Timezone lalung-lalo na kapag straight shift sila, ngunit kahit ganoon, gusto niya raw sanang doon na lang manatiling nagtatrabaho sa Timezone. Doon ko nakita na napakabait talaga ni Kuya Jhun, gaya nga nang sabi sa akin ni Ate Myles noong hindi pa tapos ang kontrata niya.

At lumipas pa ang ilang araw, doon ko na nalaman na isang napakarelihiyosong tao ni Kuya Jhun. Naging libangan raw niya rati ang pagbabasa ng Bibliya, at siya pa lang ang alam ko na nakabasa na ng buong Luma at Bagong Tipan. Ang dami niyang itinuro sa akin tungkol sa Diyos. Tinuruan niya ako ulit maniwala sa Panginoon at magpasalamat sa Kanya sa mga biyayang natatanggap ko sa araw-araw.

Dahil kay Kuya Jhun, muli kong naramdaman ang kapayapaang matagal ko nang hindi naramdaman sa pagdadasal ng taimtim at nang buong puso. Natuto ulit akong umasa sa mga magagandang umaga sa pagtatapos nang kahit na isang kalunos-lunos na araw.

Pero isang buwan na ang nakalipas mula natapos ang kontrata ni Kuya Jhun sa Timezone. Sa kasamaang palad, hindi na-extend ang kontrata niya doon at kinailangang magpaalam na. Halos tatlong linggo na rin ang nakalipas noong huli niya akong tinext na naghahanap siya ng trabaho sa may Ayala habang nakasakay sa dyip. Tinanong ko na rin sina Kuya Joel at Kuya Aries kung may balita ba sila kay Kuya Jhun, at sabi rin nila, hindi na siya nagpaparamdam.

Kuya, kung naasan ka man ngayon, maraming salamat. Hindi mo lang alam, pero ikaw ang isa sa mga taong nagpabago ng buhay ko. Mamimiss ko ang mga forwaded messages mo sa aking tuwing umaga. Ingat ka palagi, at sana, i-text mo ako kung kumusta ka na. Lagi kong ipagdadasal ang patuloy na mga biyaya para sa iyo at pamilya mo.

Endangered Specie(s?) Protection Program

2009-03-07T02:08:00.004+08:00

Paminsan talaga, hindi mo inaasahan ang mga nangyayari sa buhay mo. Akala mo, wala ka nang kinabukasan, yun pala, may isang napakaliwanag na bukas ang naghihintay sa iyo. Hindi mo lang ito makita dahil nilulunod mo ang iyong sarili sa mga luha mong dulot ng kawalan na ng pag-asa. Hindi naman kita masisisi kung sadyang mapagbiro ang takbo ng panahon para sa iyo. Totoo naman kasing napakaraming mga pangyayari ang hindi mo inaasahan na hiniling mo na sana nagkaroon ka ng isang uri ng kapangyarihang mabago ang mga ito. Nakalulungkot lang kasing isipin na kailangan mo pang umiyak at magluksa para lamang makita mo ang ngiti ng bukas at mawaksi sa kalungkutan. Pero nananatili pa rin sa pinakamalalim na bahagi ng iyong pagkatao ang kawalan ng pag-asa sa umaga't sa gabi dahil nababagabag ka na sa paglipas ng panahon, babagsak ka na naman sa isang balon na kung saan hindi mo makita ang liwanag sa bibig nito.

Kailangan lang talaga maniwala sa sarili.

At kailangan rin magdasal sa Diyos hindi para bigyan tayo ng lakas, ngunit para bigyan tayo ng oportunidad na maipakita ang kaya nating gawin.

Lord, salamat talaga sa araw (kahapon) na ito.

Endangered Specie(s?)

2009-03-02T09:44:00.004+08:00

Hindi ko na talaga alam kung ano bang gagawin ko. Sobrang baba na ng tingin ko sa sarili ko ngayon. Well, kailan ba naging mataas ang tingin ko sa sarili ko? Nakakaiyak na talaga, pero ano naman ang magagawa ng pag-iyak ko, 'di ba? Magbabago ba ang mga pagkakamali ko kung iiyak ako ng limang banyera ng dugo? Hindi naman, 'di ba?

Susubukan ko ba? Ayaw ko nga, wala na nga akong masyadong dugo, tapos iiyak pa ako ng limang banyera. Sa tingin ko nga, mabawasan lang ako ng isang kutsaritang dugo, papasok na ako sa isang irreversible state of brain inactivity. Siguro mas mabuti na rin yun kasi mabuti pa ang gulay, masarap at masustansiya.

Kasi naman. Ngayong sem na ito, lagi na lang hindi lumalabas sa mga test na yan ang mga inaaral ko. Aaminin kong hindi todong aral ang nagagawa ko, pero naman! Bumabagsak na ako sa Th131 dahil sinusubukan kong intindihin yung mga concept, pero ang mga lumalabas sa mga test at quizzes ay yung mga taong nag-isip ng mga concept na yun. And I am a jerkfuck in remembering asshat names printed inside a textbook or located deep within paragraphs and paragraphs of scholarly readings. I just suck at things, and more often than not, the things I suck at are the ones most important.

Pero may finals pa. Pusangama naman o. Tutangina. Sabi sa syllabus essay, so I guess I have a better chance of passing that one. Nakakaiyak, pero wala e, ito na. Siguro ako rin talaga ang may mali dahil hindi ako nag-effort more miski na alam kong kailangan ko. Sobrang naging tamad na talaga ako this sem. Maraming reason, pero isa sa mga main reasons ay ang CS162 kay Doc Mana. Nakakaiyak (lagi ka namang naiiyak, what a sissy). Sobrang nakakawalang gana ang class ni Mana to the point na gusto ko nang magshift-out ng BS Computer Science papuntang AB Fine Arts. Walang relationship sa mga sinasabi ko, pero gusto ko pa rin magtrabaho sa Timezone someday. Bakit ka makikipagsapalaran sa isang na kung saan may mas magagaling sa iyo sa lahat ng aspeto? Pero who am I to tell?

Pero may chance pa naman. Pero yun din ang sinabi ko a month ago nung nakita kong medyo alanganin na ako. Hindi ako pwedeng magkaroon ng dalawang D sa card dahil kung hindi, mawawalan (na naman) ako ng scholarship at sigurado akong mahirap na itong i-appeal ngayong incoming senior na ako. May chance pa naman, dahil sabi sa akin ni Kara, nagsuot lang raw siya ng tube dress sa finals ng CS162, at B ang nakuha niyang grade. Mabait naman si Kara at papahiramin niya raw sa akin yung tube top niya at ultra-short kepkep shorts. Ayos.

Hay. At kakasabi ko pa naman kay Jay kahapon na graduating na ako next year sa awa ng Diyos.

Kailangan ko lang ulit maniwala sa sarili ko. Kailangan.

O 'di ba. After a long time of inactivity, rant pa ang post ko.

Long Test Bukas, Yay (NOT)

2009-02-26T23:28:00.001+08:00

La daw lecture and lab for undergrads sa cs162. Tuesday nxt week dw ang lt natin. At pde isa sa inyo paforward kay honey lynne.

From: Thomas
6:31am 2/26/09

===

Pero wait, hindi pa rin siya one week. Oh well.

Long Test Bukas, Yay

2009-02-25T23:13:00.003+08:00

Pablo Manalastas
Final Exam fo Seniors / Long Test for Others
Wed, 2/25/09 10:50AM

===

Tomorrow's final exam for seniors is also a long test for other students in CS162.

Seniors have the option of taking either 12:00 Noon- 1:30 PM or 3:00 PM - 4:00 PM.

The undergrads have to take the 12:00 Noon - 1:30 PM time slot, so that they can have a lab session from 3:00 PM - 6:00 PM.

For your guidance.

P Manalastas

===

Bawal ito.

The Magna Carta of Students in the Ateneo de Manila University states that long tests are to be announced one (1) week prior to the schedule of the test. Finals and midterms are supposed to be announced two (2) weeks prior to the schedule of the exam.

Pero ito ako, medyo nagpa-panic pa rin kasi hindi ko alam kung ano ang mangyayari bukas. I'm so inclined to cheat. God, at kakasimula pa lang ng Lenten Season.

LSS

2009-02-18T23:06:00.002+08:00

As a rainbow grew around the sun
All the stars I've loved who died
Came from somewhere beyond the scene you see
These lovely people played just for me

And if I let you see this place
Where stories all ring true
Will you let me past your face
To see what's really you?

It's not for me I ask these questions
As though I were a king
For you have to love, believe, and feel
Before the burst of tambourines take you there

Green grass and high tides forever
Castles of stone, soul, and glory
Lost faces say we adore you
As kings and queens bow and play for you

Green Grass and High Tides
The Outlaws

Wah. Hell (Expect to See More)

2009-02-18T22:44:00.002+08:00

Dahil ilang linggo na lang, March na, andito na naman para bumisita sa aming mga (masisipag) na mag-aaral ng Unibersidad ng Ateneo de Manila ang ultra magnificent and tumultuous deluge of major requirements na may conspiracy ata across all departments of the Loyola Schools dahil for some (unforeseen) reason, sabay-sabay ang kanilang mga deadline, grace period, pass-at-this-time-or-die dates, at kung ano pa man ang tawag nila doon.

Sa katunayan, may paper akong due sa Biyernes para sa Ph102 na 20% ng aking final grade. At ano ang tanong? "Ano ang pilosopiya ng tao?" E teka, hindi ba yan dapat ang itinuro sa amin? Parang hindi pa rin kasi namin alam ang tamang sagot sa tanong na yan, o parang wala talagang tamang sagot pero hinihingan kami ni Mariano ng tamang sagot ayon sa kanyang (omniscient) powers bilang isang instructor ng kursong Ph102? Nakakainis lang kasi Thursday bukas, meaning hanggang hatinggabi na naman kami sa school dahil sa pesteng CS162B na yan. Bah, mangongopya na lang ako, tutal may 1047++++ unread messages si Doc Mana sa kanyang inbox. Malamang yan yung lab submissions namin, ng batch bago namin, at ng batch na bago nang batch na bago sa amin.

Hay. If there was a button than could control time, I would have pressed it now.

Ayaw ko namang sumuko. I mean, isang taon na lang, tapos susuko pa ako?

Damn.

Routine Interview With Miss Olive

2009-02-17T18:24:00.003+08:00

Okay so nadelay ang semestral interview ko sa Guidance Office. Naabutan kasi ako ng ulan sa job fair nung una kong schedule. Kung ako ang tatanungin, ayaw ko sanang magpa-interview kaya lang required sa scholarship ko. Oh well. Pero okay lang naman kasi masaya namang kausap si Miss Olive.

Medyo naghintay ako ng kaunti dun sa seating area kasi may ginagawa pa si Miss Olive. Makalipas ang ilang sandali, lumabas na si Miss Olive, at binati niya ako. Magaan na ang pakiramdam ko kay Miss Olive kasi nga halos dalawang taon na ata ako kinakausap ni Miss Olive.

Kumustahan lang naman ang nangyari. Nakakatuwang naalala pa ni Miss Olive yung mga sinabi ko sa kanya last sem; walang mga notes-notes yun kasi ang alala ko last time, parang hindi nila makita yung file ko kasi nga lumipat sila ng office. Bigla ko tuloy naalala yung time na nakasakay ako sa LRT papuntang Gateway tapos may kumaway sa akin na babaeng mukhang mabait, maputi at nakasalamin. Ngumiti ako at napatigil ng sandali, kasi hindi ko naalala agad na si Miss Olive pala iyon.

Basta, secret ang pinag-usapan namin. Ganun naman palagi, 'di ba?

Nung paalis niya ako, sabi niya sa akin na I look happier than before, that there was something different about me. Tinanong niya ako kung meron bang something, good news or the like.

"Ha? Wala ano. Haha."

Pagkabalik ko sa CompSAt room, sinabi ko sa kanila na mukha raw akong masaya ayon kay Miss Olive.

Nag-comment si Rai.

"But but, the people who are happy are mostly the ones with the heaviest problems..."

Ugh Ugh

2009-02-15T01:52:00.002+08:00

Hay nako grabe na ito. Isang linggo na naman ang lumipas nang wala akong nilalagay na kahit na ano sa blog ko. Ni tumingin man lang nga sa blog ng iba, hindi ko nagawa. Ang dami ko lang kasing ginagawa talaga at miski na marami akong kailangang gawin, nagagawa ko pa ring magpunta sa Timezone at maglaro doon o kaya nama'y maglaro ng EssenceRO dahil kailangan kong maghunt ng tatlong Celebrant's Mitten para sa Tiamat Wings. Ipapalevel ko na kasi ang Whitesmith ko sa Skelings eh.

Alam mo yung feeling na ang dami mong kailangang gawin pero hindi mo naman ginagawa, kaya parang feeling mo wala kang kwenta kasi nakikita mo yung iba na gumagawa at nagagawa yung kailangan nilang gawin? Yun bang miski sabihin mo sa sarili mo na kaya mong tapusin ang isang bagay, hindi mo talaga ito natatapos? Hay nako. Hindi ko na talaga alam. Ang patapon ng February ko. Hindi lang sa academics, pero life in general. Bumabagsak na ata ako sa Th131 ko eh. Bagsak ng two points ang long test ko, at pasang awa lang ang quizzes ko. Ang sabog pa pati ng progress ng group report namin tungkol sa virginity ng mga freshmen sa Ateneo. Ugh.

Ang patapon ng second sem ko. Parang nawawalan na talaga ako ng control sa sarili ko at in return, nawawalan na ako ng self-esteem at tiwala sa sarili ko na kaya kong gawin basta't gusto ko. Kasi paminsan, hindi talaga eh. Wala talaga. Most of the time, nasisimulan ko ang isang bagay only to stop dahil sa pagod, antok, o sa kung ano pang bagay.

Kailangan ko pang basahin yung article ni Ginovesi tungkol sa premarital sex kasi malamang, may quiz sa Monday (or bukas kung Sunday na ang lumabas na post kong ito). Kailangan ko itong basahin miski na alam ko namang babagsak na naman ako sa quiz dahil hindi pa nadidiscuss yung article.

Kailangan ko pang tapusin yung ginagawa ko para sa module namin sa CS179.15B. Yung class na lang ngang yan ang inaabangan ko, tapos tinatamad na rin akong gumawa. Dapat nga natapos na namin yan last week pa pero pare-pareho kaming busy or tinatamad.

Kailangan ko pang basahin yung mahabang reading namin para sa Ph102. Masakit sa ulo basahin yung The Overcoat ni Gogol ba yun kasi soft copy lang. Kailangan ko na namang i-spam ang ctrl++ para lumaki nang lumaki ang font para na rin mas madaling basahin.

CS162, bleah. Bahala ka sa lecheng buhay mo. Nawalan ako ng gana sa computer science dahil sa iyo no, putangnamo.

Hay nako. Isang linggo na mula noong huling araw ni Kuya Jhun sa Timezone, pero hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa nagagawan ng blog entry ang tungkol dito. Isang linggo na lang rin bago matapos ang kontrata ni Kuya Joel sa Gateway. Nakakalungkot naman talaga paminsan.

O 'di ba, anong sabi ko sayo? Imbis na ginagawa ko ang mga kailangan kong gawin, ito ako, nagmamaktol sa isang sulok ng mundo dahil nakakainis naman na talaga paminsan ang buhay.

Letter From Azeus Systems, Ltd.

2009-02-08T01:39:00.002+08:00

Hi,

We would like to thank you for exploring career opportunities in Azeus Systems Philippines Limited. However, we regret to inform you that your present qualifications do not match those needed in the position you are being considered for.

Should there be job opportunities suited for your qualifications later on, we will surely get in touch with you. In the meantime, we wish you the best of luck in your job search and other related endeavors.

--

Azeus Systems Philippines Limited
Unit 2802-B West Tower, Philippine Stock Exchange Centre, Exchange Road, Ortigas Center
Pasig City 1605
Direct Line: 687 0744
Trunk Line: 637 5960 to 62
Fax No.: 637 5963
Email: careers-ph@azeus.com
http://www.azeus.com

Ugh

2009-02-07T12:06:00.000+08:00

Rough week. Sorry blog, isang linggo kitang hindi nasulatan.

2009-01-29T22:15:00.001+08:00

Dreaming

2009-01-28T02:55:00.006+08:00

The night sky is clear.

As a gentle breeze blows the fine blanket of fallen leaves, I feel my chest quiver. The faint rustle of leaves sounds like a small wave lapping on a rocky shore. Memories come back like they happened just minutes ago. Patterns emerge out of the darkness: patterns of tears; patterns of emptiness. Everything feels as if each is slowly settling into their proper corners of the sky, but I am still in the same spot, staring at the stars that continue to twinkle amidst the overpowering abyss that surrounds them.

Confusion fills me.
Sadness visits me.
Emotions leave me to a state of nothingness.
Cycles start to turn again.
I don't know what to do anymore.

The pain still throbs up to this very day, and no wonder why: I keep on holding to it, never letting it go, and never giving it time to heal. Time ticks by, and life goes on. The seconds elapse, the minutes pass, hours expire, and days turn into weeks. Months become years, and goes on forever until the end of time.

Life must go on.

Dreams within the still of night
On the wings of hope take flight inside me
There upon some distant shore
We want for nothing more
Than what will be
-- A Bride in Dream

Sagot sa Number Two

2009-01-26T22:56:00.002+08:00

Long test sa Theology 131. Puta. Hindi ako masyadong nakapag-aral dahil ang CS179.15B ang inatupag namin nung weekend. Sabay-sabay na naman kasi ang mga deadline ng milestones at ang dami pang kailangang basahin para sa ibang subjects. Well, nagpunta pa kasi ako sa Timezone kaya talagang wala na akong oras mag-aral. Well, meron pa naman, kaya lang, hindi ko na kayang mag-aral ng mabuti.

"May exam pa ako bukas at hindi pa ako nag-aaral!" wika ko kay Kuya Joel. Natiyempuhan kasing pauwi na siya habang nasa ibaba ako.

"Kayang-kaya mo yan!"

Nakakatuwa kasi ang dami nang ikinukwento sa akin ni Kuya Joel. Natutuwa ako dahil nakikipagkwentuhan siya sa akin kung may pagkakataon. Sa simpleng tango lang nga niya kapag andun ako, masaya na ako kasi kahit papaano, andoon ang recognition. Alam mo yun? Yung recognition na sinasabi ko?

Naghiwalay kami ni Kuya Joel ng landas sa may LRT station sa Cubao. MRT tapos FX daw kasi siya araw-araw, at ako naman ay isang sakay lang ng bus kapag napapadpad ako sa Cubao.

"Lord, ingatan niyo po si Kuya Joel, ha."

Hindi ako makatulog sa bus pauwi. Ang dami ko kasing iniisip noon. Sa dami, hindi ko na maalala kung ano.

Pagkauwi, sinubukan kong mag-aral para sa Th131 Long Test ko kinabukasan. Wala pa talaga akong naaaral at kung nasusubaybayan mo ang aking random rants, alam mong medyo sadsad ako sa theology. Bumabawi na lang ako sa mga theological reflections na sa kabutihang palad, mataas ang nakukuha ko. Pero dahil sa puyat, pagod, at sa katamaran na rin, medyo namadali ko ang pagbabasa ng notes ko. Bago umalis ng Gateway, sinabi ko sa sarili ko na kahit papaano, babasahin ko ang libro. Miski yung patingin-tingin lang. Pero wala, nauwi lang ang aking pagsusumikap sa paglalaro ng EssenceRO dahil malapit na raw i-release ang Warlock, ang Extended class ng High Wizard.

"Lord, sana po magising ako sa oras. Wala akong magagawa kung mahuhuli ako kasi pinili kong magpuyat, pero sana, tulungan mo po akong magising ng ala-sais."

At nagising ako ng ala-sais. Hindi makapaniwala ang isang batugang katulad ko.

Pagdating ko sa Ateneo, nagmadali ako sa Escaler Hall dahil malapit nang magsimula ang aking long test. Pagkakuha na pagkakuha ko ng papel, narinig ko ang nakakapanghinang mga salita ni Nelvin:

"Naku, identification!"

Nanlambot ang buo kong katawan. May Identification na 20 items, at dalawang puntos kada sagot. Ang ibig sabihin lang nito, dumadagungdong na kwarenta puntos ang kailangan kong isipin mula sa utak kong tuyot na.

"Lord, sana po ay tulungan niyo akong maalala ang mga inaral ko. Hindi siya marami, pero sana ay tulungan niyo po ako. Well, kung gusto niyo pong ibigay sa akin yung sagot, e 'di ayos. Haha."

Kahit papaano, nagawa ko namang sagutan ang True or False, at ang Identification na may pagka matching type. Sa huling pahina, unti-unting nanlamig ang aking pakiramdam.

"Identification. Syet."

Napiga ko ang mga sagot mula sa puyat kong utak. Hindi ko na halos mabuksan ang mga talukap ng aking mga mata sa antok na dulot na rin ng puyat at pagbabasa.

Verbum incarnatum ito ang alam ko eh.
Taena. Ano ito?
St. Paul? Gago, hindi ko nabasa yung libro... imbento.
Ah okay alam ko ito.
Ito rin.
Ito rin. Sisiw.
Fuck. Nakalimutan ko ata ito.
Adam ang sagot dito for sure.
Sinfulness yung state.
Freedom as choice? Ewan ko.
...
Categorical? Transcendental?

Hanggang sa isang tanong na lang ang natira.

2. the mystery of the prescence of Christ in the Eucharist

Alam ko ito. Trans...trans..trans-something. Transformation?

Kinapa ko ang rosaryo sa aking kaliwang bulsa.

TRANSUBSTANTIATION!

Matapos ang higit sa isang oras, ipinasa ko ang aking papel. Sa isang malaking ginhawa at sa isang malalim na bugtong hininga, naglakad ako palabas ng Escaler Hall.

"Lord, salamat po ng marami."

Dream > Income?

2009-01-25T02:05:00.003+08:00

Kinse bago mag alas-nuwebe ang pinag-usapang oras na magkikita-kita sa Cathouse. Dahil kinse pasado ng alas-otso na, dali-dali siyang isinuot ang kanyang pinaka disenteng polo shirt. Nagkandarapa siya sa pamimili kung ang itim ba o ang kulay-kaki niyang katad na sapatos ang kanyang isusuot. Unang beses niya kasing pupunta sa Ortigas upang kumuha ng isang eksamen para sa kanyang on the job training sa Abril. Sa gulo ng kanyang isip at dahil wala ang kanyang nanay dahil pinaihi niya ang kanilang aso, nauwi na lang siya sa isang sapatos na hindi niya masyadong sinusuot dahil lagi niyang nayayapakan ang kanyang pantalon tuwing iyon ang sapatos niyang suot. Paspasan niyang kinuha ang kanyang kakaunting ipon sa kanyang alkansyang dati'y lalagyan ng brief, at humaharurot na bumulusok palabas ng bahay. Pinalad naman siya dahil sa kanyang paglabas, nakasakay agad siya ng traysikel na ihahatid siya sa lugar kung saan sila magkikita ng kanyang sasabayang kaibigan. Habang unakabilad sa araw at unti-unting bumabakat ang pawis sa kanyang polong madaling mabasa ng pawis, inisip niya kung aabot ba sila sa eksamen nilang nakatakda sa ikasampu ng umaga. Kinakabahan, pinagpapawisan, at tinitingnan kung bumabakat na ba ang kanyang pawis sa kanyang polo, dumating na ang sasakyan ng kanyang kaklase. Binati niya ang nanay ng kanyang kaibigan, at sinuklian siya ng mga katagang

Rudolf, nag-mature ang itsura mo.

Dahil masyado siyang abala sa pag-iintindi sa polo niyang binabakatan na ng kanyang pawis, hindi na niya ito nabigyan ng kaukulang pansin. Mabilis nilang binaybay ang kahabaan ng Commonwealth. Mukhang magiging ayos na ang lahat. Hindi sila mahuhuli dahil sa tulin ng kanilang pagpasada sa Commonwealth. Ngunit dahil sa mga hindi inaasahang pangyayari na lagi namang nangyayari, nahuli sila ng dating sa lugar na pinagkasunduan. Dumating sila doon ng kinse pasado alas-nuwebe, at nagsimula na naman siyang kabahan dahil hindi rin nila masyadong kabisado ang Ortigas, isang mundong ibang-iba sa mundong ginalawan at ginagalawan nila. Ngunit makalipas ang ilang sandali, nagkita-kita na rin sila sa wakas. Ang pagsasama sama na ito ay ang simula ng isang masaya at magulong biyahe mula Katipunan Avenue tungong Exchange Road.

Naging isang bitukang pasikut-sikot ang mga kalye ng Ortigas para sa kanilang mga mata. Ngunit kahit papaano, nakita't natunton nila ang Philippine Stock Exchange Center noong sumapit ang pito makalipas ang ika-sampu ng umaga.

Namangha sila sa laki ng gusaling iyon.

Matapos nilang magulantang at panandaliang mawala sa dami ng elevator ng West Tower, dali-dali silang nagpunta sa ika-dalawangpu't walong palapag hindi para tumalon palabas ng bintana, kung hindi para kunin na ang kanilang eksamen.

Kasama si Flora, umakyat sila ng isa pang palapag at pinaupo isang kwarto na tila pang-eksamen talaga. Kinuwento niya kay Flora na medyo nahirapan silang matunton ang lugar dahil unang beses pa lang nila magawi sa parte ng Ortigas na iyon. Tinanong kasi ni Flora kaya niya sinabi.

Matapos ang pagpapakilala, ipinaliwanag ni Flora gamit ang kanyang napakahinang boses ang ginagawa nila sa Azeus. IT solutions ang pakakarinig niya, at sa totoo lang, tila hindi siya interesado dahil manghang-mangha pa siya kung gaano ka-office ang feel ng loob ng kwarto kung saan sila ikukulong.

...and there will be an allowance of P450.00 a day.

Napaiktad ang karamihan sa kanila, ngunit miski naikubli ang kanilang nararamdaman, nawindang silang lahat. Hindi nila makontrol ang paglaki ng butas ng kanilang ilong tuwing hihinga sila. Nanlaki ang kanilang mga mata sa mga katagang iyon.

Ngunit napaisip siya noong sinabi ang mga katagang "four hundred fifty a day". Ngunit biglang nawala ito sa kanyang isipan dahil may sinasabi pala si Flora. Mas narinig pa niya ang kaluskos ng mga paa ng ipis kaysa sa boses ni Flora.

The test consists of ten items. The passing is seven, and the test will be for an hour. I will be monitoring you from downstairs and will get your papers after an hour.

Good luck!

Naging madali ang unang dalawang tanong, ngunit hanggang doon na lang iyon. Ngunit kahit na alam niyang malabong siya'y makapasok sa Azeus bilang isang intern, ginalingan pa rin niya dahil maaari siyang kumita ng malaki kung papalarin siyang makapagtrabaho doon.

...

Okay, please finalize your answers.

...

Pass your papers forward along with the copy of your transcript.

Pinasa niya ang kanyang papel na puno ng duda sa kanyang sarili. Bahala na, sabi niya sa sarili niya. Tutal, nasa kabilang gusali lang naman ang Chikka, at doon naman talaga niya gustong pumasok.

Habang naglalakad papuntang Megamall dahil pare-pareho nang kumakalam ang kanilang mga sikmura, napatigil siya ng sandali. Sinubukan niyang alalahanin ang tunog ng boses ni Flora noong inusal niya ang mga salitang mangangahulugan nang mahigit sa P17,000.00 para sa tatlong daang oras na kailangan nilang bunuin. May kakaibang pakiramdam ang namayani sa kanyang loob. Hindi pa niya ito nararamdaman kahit kailan. Tumingin siya sa langit na nagbabadya ng ulan, at tinanong ang sarili kung ano ang nangyari sa kanya.

Ano nang nangyari sa kanyang mga pangarap? O kung anong mga bagay lang iyon na ibinabalot niya bilang ang kanyang mga pangarap?

Eh, ano ba naman, may isang taon pa tayo ano!

Pumasok sila sa loob ng Megamall at sinalubong ng malamig na simoy ng aircon. Ibang-iba sa init na namamayagpag sa konkretong mukha ng Ortigas, ngunit hindi nalalayo sa lugar kung saan niya gustong mamalagi tuwing gulung-gulo ang kanyang utak at uhaw na uhaw ang kanyang pinakaloob para sa isang katahimikang sa isang lugar lang niya natagpuan.

Ang J Naman

2009-01-25T01:55:00.005+08:00

Unti-unti na atang dumadami ang mga tenth sa buhay ko.

Hindi pala, marami nang tenth sa buhay ko. Marami na dahil kulang na ang isang kamay para bilangin ang mga tenth na ito. Tenth ano, tenth kuwan, tenth kailan, tenth ganyan.

Hindi ko alam kung matutuwa ba ako o ano.

Parang:

Ay, saan ka pupunta?

A, ano po, sa tenth kuwan po. Kasama ko po si tenth ano po. Mga tenth kuwan po kami magkikita sa tenth doon. Nakakainis nga po't doon pa ni tenth kuwan magkita kasi napaka tenth talaga ng tenth na lugar na iyon. Alam niyo po yun? Yung may mga eigth o ninth o eleventh naman po, pero lagi na lang pong si tenth kuwan sa tenth kuwan ng mga tenth kuwan. Lagi na lang pong tenth. Nakakahalata na nga po ako sa ka-tenth-an ng pu-tenth-inang buhay kong ito, eh. Alam mo yun...

Ganito lang ba talaga, o sadyang J ang buhay ko?

Philippine Stock Exchange Center, West Tower

2009-01-23T22:54:00.003+08:00

Yeay. Hahanapin po namin ang lugar na ito bukas. Good luck naman sa aming mga walang alam sa Ortigas Center.

Pero nakahanap na ako ng vicinity map! Yun pala ang Tektite Towers. Now now, I do believe I have heard a lot of stories about that building...

Yun na lang muna ngayon. Tinatamad akong maglagay ng something chunky and slash or substantial eh. Karaniwang pagod ang aking utak. Uminom na kaya ako ng Sustagen?

Dream > Income

2009-01-23T00:58:00.008+08:00

Hindi ko lang talaga alam kung bakit.

Nagsimula ang napakalakas kong pagnanasa na magtrabaho sa Timezone bilang isang mas mataas pa sa Customer Service Assistant noong malaman ko kay Ate Myles na natapos na ang kontrata ni Kuya Ryan sa Timezone sa may Gateway. Simula noon, hindi na naalis sa aking utak ang asul na uniporme ng mga tauhan sa Timezone. Tumatak na sa aking isipan ang mga dingding ng lugar na iyon. Tuwing hihinto ang panahon sa sarili kong mundo, biglang aandar sa aking mga ala-ala ang mga oras na kung saan napapalibutan ako ng mga hiyaw na nagmumula sa dose-dosenang arcade machine na ibinabaon ang aking mga problema sa isang panandaliang panibugho ng katotohanan at buhay. Bigla ko na lang masasalat ang aking Powercard sa kaliwang bulsa ng aking maong na kupas, at magsisimula ang tila isang hindi totoong pagsulong papunta sa maliit na piraso ng katahimikan.

Hindi ko na talaga alam kung bakit.

Ngayon, sa bugso ng mga malalaking kompanya na inaakit akong maging intern sa ilalim ng kanilang malahiganteng mga anino, nagsisimula nang mawangis ang dating napakatatag na determinasyon kong magtrabaho sa Timezone. Unti unti nang nagiging isang malaking katanungan ang aking kagustuhang magtrabaho sa lugar na puno ng ingay at saya. Isa-isang napundi ang napakaraming ilaw na pinanatiling maliwanag ang pangarap kong ito

hanggang ngayon.

Rudolf (1/23/2009 12:46:46 AM): eh kasi
Rudolf (1/23/2009 12:46:55 AM): napapaisip ako kung may career ba talaga ako sa timezone
Rudolf (1/23/2009 12:49:20 AM): kasi alam mo yun?
Rudolf (1/23/2009 12:49:31 AM): parang yung mga inaaplyan ko for ojt parang ang big time talaga
Rudolf (1/23/2009 12:49:40 AM): tapos kagaya nga ng sabi ni kuya joel sa akin
Rudolf (1/23/2009 12:50:00 AM): parang sa small time lang ako magtatrabaho?
Rudolf (1/23/2009 12:50:03 AM): i mean
Rudolf (1/23/2009 12:50:21 AM): gusto ko talagang magtrabaho doon
Rudolf (1/23/2009 12:50:33 AM): pero parang for how long?
Meki (1/23/2009 12:50:36 AM): dream > income
Meki (1/23/2009 12:50:42 AM): well para sa kin
Rudolf (1/23/2009 12:50:45 AM): yeah ako rin naman eh
Meki (1/23/2009 12:50:47 AM): hahaaha
Rudolf (1/23/2009 12:51:00 AM): ewan ko
Rudolf (1/23/2009 12:51:09 AM): may isang taon pa naman ako para pag-isipan lol

Pero sa totoo lang, gusto ko pa ring magtrabaho doon. Kahit tutol si Mamie, kahit hindi na ako kilalanin ni Dadee

sa ngayon, gusto ko pa ring magtrabaho doon.

Hindi naman masamang managinip ng gising, hindi ba?

22 Resumes Printed

2009-01-21T22:44:00.003+08:00

From the top of my head (well not really since tiningnan ko ang listahan ng participants), ito na ata ang mga companies na binigyan ko ng aking resume:

e-PLDT, Inc.
Incuventure Partners Corporation
Integreon Managed Solution
Canon Information Technology
GlaxoSmithKline
Nestle Philippines
Unilever
P&G
Soluziona
Abba Global System
Azeus Systems Philippines
Chikka Asia, Inc.
Smart Communications, Inc.
Globe Telecom

And meron din daw IT related practicum ang L'Oreal Philippines. Doubtful ano?

Pero I'm too lazy to write a something about these companies. Basta I'm hoping that I get to enter Chikka as an intern dahil ayon sa mga upperclassmen, masaya doon dahil mababait ang mga tao and stuff. Same lobby pero different tower ang office ng Azeus, na mukhang maraming maaaring matutunan. Interesting ano? And weirdly enough, ayaw kong mapunta sa Smart or sa Globe or anywhere else na sobrang big-time corporate IT ang field dahil parang nakakapressure ang competition and stuff. Besides, feeling ko eh hindi ako magiging successful sa field na yan dahil, well, basta. Tapos yung Abba, no offense, pero parang hindi sobrang credible or something. Hindi ko alam. There must have been something in their booth that made me feel a little bit confused. Please, correct me if I'm horribly wrong.

Ayan. Kakatapos lang magprint ng 10 ko pang resume. More companies await my resume tomorrow.

Katahimikan

2009-01-20T19:45:00.005+08:00

Noong Lunes sa aking Ph102 class, tandang-tanda ko ang mga katagang ito ni G. Mariano miski na mapungay na ang aking mga mata sa antok:

"Bakit tila ang mga Filipino, takot sa katahimikan? Kailangan parati na lang maingay."

Totoo nga bang takot tayo sa katahimikan kaya tayo masasabing isang maingay na bansa? O sadyang maingay lang talaga tayong mga Filipino?

Hindi ko alam. Ang daming bumabagabag sa aking isipan ngayon. Mga resume na kailangan pagandahin para makakuha ng maayos na practicum sa April; mga project na kailangan ipasa; mga bagay tungkol sa aking kinabukasan na hindi ko alam kung bakit ngayon pa lang, naiisip ko na; mga pagsusulit na lagi na lang inuurong ang petsa sa aming ikinadidismaya; mga kung anu-anong mga damdaming ayaw ko nang sabihin; at pag-aalala dahil sa loob ng isang buwan, matatapos na ang kontrata nina Kuya Jhun at Kuya Joel sa Gateway.

Pero kahit papaano, unti-unti akong nakahahakbang paharap dahil sa isang sandigang ngayo'y aking sinasandalan. Ito ang asul na rosaryo sa aking bulsa. Ngunit ang tunay na anyo ng aking inaasahan,

sa katahimikan ko lamang nakikita't nararamdaman.

Five Letters

2009-01-17T10:06:00.003+08:00

Faith.

Change.

2009-01-16T03:16:00.002+08:00

Surrogate Security

2009-01-13T01:18:00.006+08:00

With his feelings an utter mess and his thoughts in disarray, he felt more vulnerable than ever. He continued to stare straight at the low ceiling of his room as the bitter cold slowly ate the warmth of his feet and his eyes dried up in the absence of the tears that one flowed down his bony cheeks. Consciously and unconsciously, he was tossing in his bed from side to side every minute or so, like prey writhing to escape with dear life as the fangs of the hunters clamped down its bare neck. Something was stuck in the deepest parts of his being, something that was not there before. It clogged his desire for happiness and warmth. For some reason or another, he just wanted to close his eyes, and enter the world of his dreams. He hoped never to wake up again in the cold and piercing embrace of the nightmares of his confused heart.

But the cold was too painful to bear. The abnormal weather made his self-inflicted wounds throb with an increasing wave of pain that emanated across his entirety. He wished to weep, but his tears were in mourning. His tears were grieving the loss of his precious skies full of aspirations as it broke into the shale storms that were saturated with uncertainty and broken promises. His blanket never seemed to protect him from the cold that was slowly taking his sanity. He kept kicking and shuffling, but his efforts were all for nothing. In a last, desperate attempt to kindle a small flame of hope to provide him the warmth and the light he needed, he reached for his long legs and tucked them close to his body. He yearned for the security of his mother's womb, the kind of devotion where one would protect the other with everything they have.

His sight was slowly growing dark despite the small night light turned on. He thought he was finally falling asleep. But a sharp, invisible pain inside him jolted him into the reality that he was falling into yet another dangerous pit of his emotions. It was one of those instances where he felt the chilling embrace of the most unending darkness one could face.

With the last remaining ounce of his strength, he reached out his hand to hold onto something. He reached out his hand to save himself from another ironically agonizing fall into the world he is so accustomed to. He reached something warm, soft, and pleasant to the touch. As he grabbed the object which seemed to be brimming with affection, he placed his head on it. A subtle warmth calmed his body down, and after a few moments, he regained the sanity which was sapped by the unknown hunters of his night. He felt alive once again.

He realized that all was but a dream forcefully transgressing his sleep.

In his dreams, the pillow was his source of warmth, life, and happiness. It was everything, and it meant everything to him.

But in his waking consciousness, the reality remains that the pillow is nothing more than just a pillow, something that will never return all his yearnings for security. The reality remains that he still stands under the starless sky that he has wrongly wished for himself.

---

ay rai
pede ba kita maging surrogate sister?

meaning?

uh
like
family outside my home
kasi na dedepress na ako sa sarili ko dahil I find my family disfunctional when I know it isn't
ang shits kasi ng mga drama sapaks ko sometimes

you don't find me dysfunctional?

para sa akin hindi

hahaha
ok
i'm just here

sometimes i wonder
am i like selfish or something?
kasi all i ever do is run to you guys kapag namomroblema ako or something

no you're just in need of love and affection
we all do
that's what friends are for

thanks rai>:D<

>:D<

My Phone is Dead

2009-01-11T01:05:00.003+08:00

My ever faithful phone is dying, if not dead.

I think it's the flex cable.

Shed even just a tear for it, will you? It has been my one and only trusty companion for over two years.

It has seen me laugh my heart out...
It has offered its shoulder when I was in tears...
And it has been something more than just a phone to me.

I treated it as an extension of myself, always looking for it when it escapes my sight. It is not because of its material worth, but I constantly hold it in my hands because of all the memories it has.

Memories I wish to forget,
and memories that I will embrace deep inside my heart for as long as I live.

Sigh. I want my old self back.

Gusto Ko Maging

2009-01-09T21:22:00.005+08:00

"Ang gusto ko maging trabaho ko sana in the future eh isang supervisor ng isang branch ng Timezone."

(simangot)

"Nyek! Nakasimangot. Bakit naman?"

"Ayan ang hirap kapag laki ka sa ginhawa eh. Hindi aggressive. Tutal ako, laki sa hirap, kaya talagang naging agresibo ako."

"Eh Ma, kung hindi ka naman masaya sa work mo, hindi ka rin naman magiging successful 'di ba?"

"Anak, hindi lahat ng gusto mo pwedeng masunod. At kung hindi ka naman magso-survive sa mundo, eh ano pa ang trabaho mo miski na masaya ka?"

(titig sa labas ng bintana kung saan maraming tao galing sa bawat yapak ng lipunan ang naglalakad)

("Pero gusto ko talagang magtrabaho sa Timezone. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, pero tuwing nasa ano mang branch ako ng Timezone, maayos na maayos ang pakiramdam ko. Eh ano naman kung maliit ang sweldo? Sasaya ba ako kung limpak-limpak ang pera ko't lumalangoy ako sa pera dahil sa yaman ko? Ayaw kong yumaman, Ma. Gusto ko lang maging masaya dahil sa totoo lang, hindi na ako masaya.")

("Hindi talaga.")

"Let's go?"

(tango habang nakatitig pa rin sa labas)

Rain, Rain, Please Go Away

2009-01-07T18:55:00.004+08:00

After recovering from the sickness that pinned me inside the house for two full days, my sister finally allowed me to go to school today. I was pretty much excited and all, but as soon as I was ready to leave, the weather started to become unfriendly. A light drizzle was slowly falling down like a fine curtain as I woke up, but it turned into a nasty and violent fall of needles when I was prepped and ready to go.

It made me lose a whole portion of my eagerness. The wet weather doused the flame that once vigorously burned inside me. I indefinitely stared at the street as the countless spears of mercilessness continued to fall. I found myself slowly retreating, as if a terror only I could see was in front of me. I wanted to go back inside and sleep, and dream about that particular embrace that could make a second a lifetime and make the deep, freezing cold a warm and comforting radiance of security.

As I continued to trace back my steps and stare into the raining sky, I felt myself slowly losing my grip on reality. The anxiety of all my twenty years started to knock on my mind. It was weird. I was expecting something tormenting, but what came to me was something illogical. The sheer foolishness of it made me realize that my mind was walking the path towards insanity, or something like that. My anxieties were personified and formed a straight line that vanished in the horizon. As I looked at the place where the sun supposedly sets, I asked myself when would be the time I would be able to leave "here" and reach "there". Sometimes, the awful feeling that I place burden upon myself is far too much to handle. Everything seems to be always beyond the horizon, unreachable to me, but very much accessible to others.

It was one of those instances when my emotions spiral into confusion because of something petty.

But then again, I steeled myself and toughened my courage. I opened my umbrella, and treaded the wet streets as the skies continued to cry in their own sorrow...

...or perhaps weep in joy for my small victory.

May Sakit Ako

2009-01-06T12:36:00.004+08:00

...which means I missed the first two days of class for the year 2009.

Alam mo yung itchy feeling ng bandang likod na part nig iyong palate pero hindi mo makamot kasi nga nasa kasuluk-sulukan ito ng iyong balong malalim, puno ng patalim? At hindi mo rin makamot kasi nga ang weird kung kakamutin mo at it might cause you to gag and taste the arroz caldo that you ate hours and hours ago dahil hindi mo kayang kumain ng kanin dahil nga isusuka mo lang? Ang haba nung sentence na yun, pero alam mo yung feeling na ganun? Tapos paggising mo, ang init na ng pakiramdam mo? Tapos naiinis ka pa dahil yun yung huling Sunday bago magpasukan?

Feeling ko, ang dami kong namimiss dahil nagkaroon na naman ako ng severe allergic rhinitis dahil sa katol, pero ayaw ko nang ilagay dito kasi baka mafrustrate lang ako.

Sana naman, makapasok na ako bukas. Hays.

New year na new year tapos ganito? Sana naman, ano...wala.

Fireworks Once Again

2009-01-01T02:33:00.004+08:00

Naisip ko na those fireworks were set off by people who have conquered their own little ebony sky. The flash of light, the drizzle of sparks, the shine of different chromes blazing across the sky came with the bright hopes and dreams for the new year they were happily anticipating. They bid the last few moments of the year with anticipation and welcomed the new year full of optimism and promise. All of these I saw through their eyes. I saw their open hearts ready to embrace new blessings, new opportunities, new hopes, new promises, new, relationships, new challenges, new problems, and new difficulties that 2008 will be bringing them. They were ready to leave the past without forgetting the lessons they have learned and face the new year with faces confident and held up high.

-- Fireworks, January 1, 2008

A year has passed.

And what a year it has been.

Things seem the same, but they are immensely different along the vague and invisible lines of our lives. Strings have been cut, threads have been weaved, and we are all but an infinite piece of cloth, both tattered and finely-spun at the same time...

The beginnings have all but ended, and the endings are starting. Time has clocked its course, and yet here I am, alone and silently standing under each deafening creak and groan of the cogs of fate. Blinded by fury, beguiled by sadness, and hyped by mania, I push on forward, in a negative perspective to keep my sanity saved...

The rain stopped when the clock struck twelve. It was as if the weather joined the celebration for the new year. Inside my room, I heard the ear-splitting vulcan booms of the fireworks that momentarily turned the night into day. The bright lights of the pyrotechnics flashed on the deeply frosted old-style windows of my room. People outside were cheering and was caught in a stupor that everyone was a victim of. The new year has arrived, but there I was inside my room, playing.

Once you've lost something valuable, your life will never ever be the same again.

A year has passed
and a year will pass,

thank you to all the people who became part of my life.

Hopefully, you'll still be the same people I'll share 2009 with.

In Three Days

2008-12-29T21:55:00.004+08:00

In three days, a new year will begin.

Right now, I have a mind-splitting headache. I rarely have these things (literally) bothering my mind.

I went to buy some ingredients for my (failed) brownies. I stared at the clouds as the sun scorched my eyes. Up in the heavens I saw a great cat, and after a few moments, it became an enormous white dog, as pure as the fresh blanket of snow that covered the sleeping part of my brain.

A shudder coursed through my body. I chilled to an invisible jet of ice-cold air. My lungs started to cringe as it was slowly being killed by the air that stung my skin. It was as if my ribs would implode as my severely weakened muscles couldn't bear the pressure my body was succumbing to.

It was then I realized that I do not need someone or something to feel the security I'm desperately longing for.

I need to find myself first.

Now what?

In Four Days

2008-12-28T13:28:00.004+08:00

In four days, a new year will begin.

I'm not looking forward to a new year. How is the new year any different from this year?

A friend of mine told me, "It's the choices that make us who we are, and we can always choose to do what's right."

Does he mean that I've been all wrong all along?

January made things turn to worse. He gave me something to look forward to, but I end up losing what was most important to me.

February gave me the kind of dangerous solitude I hate the most. Weird though as I am almost always attracted to the blind and empty freedom it promises.

March made me lose something, and that something will remain scratched in my memories forever.

June made me realize that I have been living for twenty years, but no one seemed to care but me.

July made me happy, but in the end, crushed my poor soul. I thought it was the beginning of a new life, however, it was the beginning of an end.

August and September crept up silently like the night sky. They barred any happiness and left me devoid of emotions.

October gave me a smile, only to painfully take it back as he left.

November told me that I am ready, only to be crushed again.

December embraces me in such a cold sorrow that I remain closed in the year that is to come.

Tomorrow brings new beginnings, but in reality, tomorrow is always a day away. No wonder it only gives people a fake sense of hope.

Kung Wala Kayo...?

2008-12-23T18:57:00.002+08:00

Paano kaya kung:

Walang mga basurero na nangongolekta ng mga basura nating nandidiri tayong hawakan? Ano kayang mangyayari sa atin? Kasi paminsan, pati sa kanila, nandidiri na tayo. Samantalang napakaimportante ng trabaho nila para sa ating sari-sariling buhay.

Walang mga cashier at bagger sa mga supermarket? Kaya kaya nating magcancel ng isang item na naswipe natin ng dalawang beses? Magagawa kaya nating mailagay sa plastic bag ang mga pinamili natin ng maayos at hindi tatapon? Kasi naman, kaunting pagkakamali lang nila, katakut-takot na pagtataray na ang inaabot nila. Taimtim naman nilang tinatanggap ang pagpuputakti ng mga masasakit na salita.

Walang mga janitor sa school? Masisikmura kaya nating linisin ang kubentang nanlilimahid sa ihi at kung ano pa man? Magagawa kaya nating pumasok sa isang banyong nakakahilo na ang baho? Kasi naman, kadalasan, iniirapan lang natin sila.

Walang driver ng mga jeep at bus, at mga kunduktor? Paano kaya tayo papasok sa pamantasan o kaya sa trabaho? Kakayanin kaya nating maglakad? Hindi naman kasi lahat sila, mga barumbado't bastos, pero kadalasan, lahat sila'y natatrato bilang mga bastardong wala nang alam gawin kung hindi magtaas ng singil ng pamasahe at magreklamo tuwing bababa ang minimum o may magbabayad ng student.

Wala na ang mga kasambahay natin sa bahay? Kaya kaya nating maglaba, maglinis, mamalantsa, magluto, at gumising nang maaga? Wala, kadalasan sila'y nababale-wala lang dahil sila'y "katulong" lang naman. Sino ba sila sa buhay natin?

Nakasalamuha ko na sila. Nakinig sa kuwento nila sa buhay. Pinakinggan ko kung gaano na sila nahihirapan sa buhay, pero kahit gipit, nagagawa pa rin nilang tumawa at maging masaya.

At yun ang mahalaga.

Kina Ate Lulay at Ate Rosie, ang aming labandera at plantsadora. Ang galing at ang bilis nilang maglaba at mamalantsa.

Sa mga Kuya ng Halrey, ang nangongolekta ng basura sa aming subdivision. Hindi niyo lang alam, hindi lang basta-basta ang inyong trabaho.

Kay Kuya Ronnie, ang aming jeep driver noong may Tulong Dunong pa kami sa High School. Ang bait ni Kuya Ronnie tuwing maaabutan ko siya sa biyahe.

Kina Ate Aileen, Ate Brenda, Ate Emer, Kuya Tonton, at Kuya Tyrone, ang mga dakilang cashier, bagger, at merchandiser sa Robinsons Supermarket Marikina kung saan ako'y nagtrabaho nang tatlong Sabado. Ang babait nila at hindi nila ako pinabayaang mabagot habang kasama ko sila. Salamat sa mga pabaon niyong kuwento, at sana'y masayang-masaya kayo ngayong pasko dahil iyon lang ang nararapat para sa inyo.

Kina Ate Mhel, Ate Sarah, Ate Myles, Kuya Macky, Kuya Wil, Kuya Son, Kuya Loyd, Kuya Rey, Kuya Abel, Kuya Joel, at Kuya Jhun, mga staff at mga supervisor sa Timezone sa Gateway. Salamat sa inyong lahat kasi pinananatili niyong Timezone ang Timezone sa Gateway, ang aking takbuhan para makatakas ng sandali sa buhay. Kayang kaya nila ang magkasunod na shift at maging masiyahin pa rin kapag nakakausap ko sila.

Maligayang pasko sa inyong lahat.

Christmas "Break"

2008-12-21T14:22:00.002+08:00

Hay nako. Pati ba naman ang real-life rants ko tungkol sa Christmas "Break", aabot pa dito sa aking blog? Wala lang kasi. Feeling ko yung last three schooldays of the year, nagrereklamo na ako tungkol sa break-ness ng "break" na ito. I mean, nakakainis kasi eh. Sana talaga hindi na lang nila tinawag na Christmas "Break" yung Christmas Break kasi wala namang break about this break eh. Laging may pinapagawa yung mga prof na something big, something long, and something hard over the "break". Napakalousy ng feeling ng break na ganito ano, besides the fact na wala akong baon dahil walang pasok meaning hindi ako makakagala somewhere like Timezone. Natutunan ko na kasi yung proper staple juggle ni Zafina kasi tinuro sa akin ni RB kung paano ba yung tama. Mali kasi yung ginagawa ko. At gusto ko rin kasi iimprove yung akin blocking skills, kasi hanggang ngayon, bobo pa rin akong magblock sa ibaba. Natatalo ako kay Bryan kasi yung simula ng combo niya ay yung sweeping kick thing sa ibaba.

Naiinis lang talaga ako sa fact na break na break na namin, tapos inaasahan kaming gawin na yung first stage ng aming programming project. Kailangan naming gumawa ng Sales and Inventory Management System para sa isang imaginary supermarket. Hay nako. At least naman Java na yung gagamitin namin, at hindi na some other language besides English, Filipino, Nihongo, or Sign. Nakakainis, pero at least nabawasan kahit papaano.

Yung only consolation na lang namin siguro ay maraming prof na MWF ang classes ay tinamad nang magclass nung Friday.

Oh well. I guess I should be happy with what I have and what I'm getting, and not drown myself in tears or burn in anger for the things I'm missing.

Shitty Feeling

2008-12-20T01:50:00.004+08:00

I just can't comprehend my own self sometimes. No. I can't understand myself most of the time. The year will come to a close in less than two weeks, and I'm stuck here in yet another self-made void filled with nothing but shit. I don't know why this always happens when I find myself happy with the current state of things in my life. Maybe it's one of these sadistic mechanisms that live in my system that prepares me for something dark which is about to happen in the near future. Maybe I enter a state of emotional seesaws and unbalance to pad my fall into a disgusting brown splat rather than the loud cracking thuds I usually endure. I can blissfully tell myself that I am very much content with what is happening and with what I have now, but a rather malevolent part of my being constantly jets shit out of thin air to rot the precious happiness I am currently enjoying. It seems as if I myself is the one destroying my own happiness. Maybe being sad is really better than being happy since when one is sad, there is no other way but to be happy. When one is happy, there is no other way but to be sad. Isn't it more relieving to know that some day in the future, one will be happy, rather than one worrying about the future because of the anxiety of falling into depression eating up everything?

I just don't know.

I just feel shitty today. I feel possessed by something very, very violent. I want to fuck the world and everything free in it. I want to free all the oppressed farts inside the very reluctant rectums of stupid people who take pride in the size of their ego in contrast to that of their penis.

I just want to feel a secure sense of happiness.

Dream on, shitty ass. Dream on, sonuvabitch. That's what you always say, so that's the only thing you'll never, ever get.

I just finished a whole bowl of that shitty instant Chinese noodles worth P53.00 in 7-Eleven. It came with a century egg which tasted like a hundred-year-old rotten sock. I wanted to eat something warm because the air is so cold, so saturated with the nostalgic feeling of presents, and there is no one beside me to throw warm shit all over my entire being.

Shit this shitty feeling. I hate it. I hate it all.

Buntis na ata si Bianca

2008-12-16T20:20:00.004+08:00

Mukhang naging matagumpay sa paghahanap ang mga sperm ni Mico sa egg ni Bianca. Nagsabi kasi ng ilang telltale signs yung spotter, si Mike, kung papaano malalamang nabuntis nga talaga si Bianca. Kung hindi niyo pa alam, si Bianca ang aming kyut na kyut na Chowchow.

Bianca shows the following symptoms:

Wala siyang ganang kumain. Kung dati, daig pa niya ang isang hayok na hayok sa gutom na pride leader lion king, eh ngayon, daig pa siya ng isang ipis kung kumain. Daig pa nga ata siya ng isang goldfish kung makasubo ng food. Medyo nag-aalala na nga kami kasi baka mamaya, detrimental na ang hunger strike na ito ni Bianca. Masarap na nga yung ulam, pero ayaw pa rin niya. Gusto ko na nga siyang painumin ng Anmum eh para rich in folic acid for the developing babies inside her puerta.
Lagi siyang nakahilata. Well, miski naman dati pa, lagi na siyang nakahilata, pero ngayon, sobra sobra na ang kanyang state of pagkahilata. As in walang galawan for three hours or more. Kung hindi mo nga alam na aso yang si Bianca, magpagkakamalan mo siyang isang mamahaling fur carpet mula sa Persia o kaya isang kyut na kyut na teddy bear.. uh dog. Para siyang trapong pakalat-kalat lang kung saan, at hindi gagalaw hangga't hindi ito pupulutin ng kung sino man (pero siyempre hindi namin pinupulot si Bianca, duh naman).
Tahimik siya. Kung dati, maririnig mong galit na galit siya kapag nakikita niya yung pusang nagha-hang out sa pader namin, ngayon, kebs lang siya. Deadma ang Bianca sa pusang bumebelat sa kanya. Ano yan, maternal instincts? Baka raw kasi magising ang babies niya?
Nagkakaroon na ng mass ang kanyang boobs. Parang nadedevelop na ang kanyang mga mammary glands. Nakakapa na namin na parang nagkakaroon na ng mass ang kanyang mga suso kasi dati, wala talaga. Utong lang kung utong. Ngayon, utong plus some mass. Gusto ko na nga siyang bilhan ng bra kasi hindi na siya isang flat-chested doggie.

Ayun. Ipapacheck-up na lang namin si Bianca kay Doc Myra within this week. Kung buntis na nga talaga si Bianca and everything goes well, manganganak siya sometime in January. Sana naman healthy at maraming marami ang kanyang mga puppies.

Wala Akong Ma-post

2008-12-15T19:41:00.005+08:00

Grabe. Punung-puno na nag ideas ang utak ko ngayon, pero hindi ko mailabas ng tama. Lagi na lang kasi akong feeling pagod pagdating ko ng bahay. Hindi ko ma-channel ang aking energies into something productive. Well, baka naman talagang ubos na ang energies ko for the day kaya wala na akong ma-channel na kahit na ano kahit gustuhin ko. Ang dami talagang ideas na nasa utak ko. Ang daming kong pwedeng ma-blog ukol sa last insertion ko sa Robinsons Marikina. Ang dami kong naging bagong kaibigan doon. Ang dami kong napakinggan na iba't ibang mga storya sa iba't ibang mga tao. Ang iba, bukas na bukas at parang gripo kung magkwento. Ang iba naman, tila kailangan pang pihitin ng unti-unti para lang dumaloy ang usapan. Ang dami na ring nangyari sa akin sa loob nang isang linggo, kung alam niyo yung ibig kong sabihin. Napatunayan ko sa aking sarili na kaya kong gawin ang mga bagay na inakala kong hindi ko talaga kayang gawin. Kaya nga it's so amazing talaga. Pasensya na, hindi ko lang talaga ma-organize yung mga thoughts ko ng maayos. Masyado kasing sabug-sabog at makalat. Ang dami kong gustong gawin, ang dami kong iniisip, at ang dami kong pinagdadaanan ngayon. Lagi naman ganoon, e. Lagi na lang akong umuuwi sa bahay na ramdam na ramdam ang pagod dahil sa nakakasabaw na araw sa school. Yung tipong kung pwede lang kabitan ng USB cable ang utak ko para pwede akong mag-blog habang nagpapahinga yung katawan ko. Oo nga ano! Umimbento kaya ako ng ganoon? Siguro yayaman ako, mas mayaman pa kay Bill Gates. Tapos kung mas mayaman na ako sa kanya, ipapa-assassinate ko siya tapos babayaran ng limpak-limpak na salapi kung sino man ang mag-aakusa sa akin sa murder ni Bill Gates. Hay nako grabe ang sabaw ng utak ko ngayon. Mas soupy pa sa Soupysnax.

Pero kahit gaano kapagod ang katawan ko,
Kahit gaano kasabaw ang utak ko,

Kahit papaano, masasabi kong masaya ako sa mga nangyayari sa buhay ko ngayon.

Sinong nagsabing malamig ang December? Lagnatin ka lang, siguradong iinit ang iyong malalamig na gabi. Odiba, ang practical?