Desperate Measures [Act V]

Putang ina. Tama nga ako. Sa tingin ko destined talaga akong maging masaya sa isang araw, tapos malungkot sa susunod na araw. Hindi pa nga eh. Destined ata akong maging lubos na masaya sa isang sandali, tapos bumagsak sa isang malubhang state of sadness sa mismong kasunod na oras. Nakakainis talaga. Kasalanan ko bang maisip habang ako'y masaya ang mga bagay-bagay na ikalulungkot ko? Lagi naman kasing nangyayari eh. Ito yung sinasabi kong

"How could something so right turn something so wrong in a span of an hour?"

At ang masama pa nito, miski paulit-ulit nang nangyayari ito sa akin, wala pa ring nagbabago sa akin. Tila ba hindi na ako natutuo sa mga nangyaring kinalungkutan ko o 'di naman kaya'y iniyakan ko. Ganun pa rin ang aking pagiging bukas sa mga maaaring mangyari. Lagi na lang kasi akong umaasa. Nakakairita.

Naiirita na ako sa aking sarili. Hindi ko magawang manatiling masaya sa kung anong meron ako dahil lagi ko na lang naiisip ang mga nasayang na pagkakataon na isinasampal sa mukha ko kung ano ang wala ako na gusto ko sanang magkaroon. Lagi na lang akong tinatamaan ng hyper slap combo in the face ni Life na tila ba laging namamantala ng ridiculously downed state ng aking whatever.

Nakakainis. I mean mas magiging ayos pa ako kung permanently sad na lang ako. Kasi naman ano, nakakainis maging masaya while at the back of your head, natatakot kang mawala ang happiness na meron ka as of the moment. Kaya nga hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit tumatayo ang tao pagkatapos nilang madapa. Kasi diba, tama naman yung logic ko na huwag na lang tumayo pagkatapos madapa kasi diba, kapag nasa sahig ka na, hindi ka na pwedeng madapa? Well I mean oo, mukha kang sirenang kakawag-kawag kapag nasa sahig ka lang, pero at least naman hindi ka na madadapa. Pwede kang maapakan, pero mas masakit madapa kasi. And I think it is much more better to stay in the ground when you know that when you get up, you'll just fall down again. Nakakainis naman itong si Life, kasi pagkatapos mong madapa at magdesisyong unti-unti nang tumayo sahil nasa lupa ka na for so long, papatirin ka ulit right after mong makatayo ng tuwid. Putang ina mo Life, mamatay ka na sana. You're so mean kasi.

Well, mabuti na rin siguro ang ganito. Hindi pa masyadong involved ang entire persona ko. Sina Levantine at Zweihander pa lang ang may alam sa kanya. Tsismis pa lang siya para kay Arenne. I know, like all others, this will pass. Lahat naman ng bagay, lumilipas. Lahat: yung paborito mong palabas tuwing gabi sa iyong favorite channel, isang putang inang semester na nakakaiyak dahil sa hirap sa Ateneo, isang araw na mainit at nakakainis dahil kwatro ka lang sa ten-point quiz mo sa theology, friendships miski na sinabi na sa iyo na best friend ka raw niya sa college, relationships, happiness, sadness, and even life. Putang ina mo Life. Sana lumipas ka na before I do para naman mamuhay na ako in peace. How ironic.

Putang ina mo kasi masyado kang mabait.
Putang ina mo kasi utu-uto ka.
Putang ina mo kasi sobrang desperado mo.
Putang ina mo kasi masyado kang umaasa.
Putang ina mo kasi tatanga-tanga ka kasi.
Putang ina mo kasi hindi mo kasi macontrol yang emotions mo.
Putang ina mo kasi putang ina ka.

Putang ina mo kasi ikaw ka.
Putang ina mo kasi si Rudolf ka, at dahil dun

putang ina mo.


Hay.

Hope can be the light amidst a seemingly eternal darkness, but
it can also blind a person after breaking the profound despair inside one's heart.

I think this is bad. Tatlong sunud-sunod nang Desperate Measures.

Desperate Measures [Act IV]

I will try to find solace and comfort in the things that make my life happy, and not to look at the things missing in my life that makes me sad...

But the thing is,

I am missing myself.

Am I?



I may be desperate for a meaningful answer,
but deep inside,

I know I can wait. I know I can.

Desperate Measures [Act III]

Putang ina mo. Ang akala ko hindi na lalabas ang ganitong uri ng blog post sa iyong putang inang blog. Isa ka palang hangal. Dahil diyan, putang ina mo.

Ang akala ko naman, nagbago ka na. Putang ina mo kasi hindi pa pala. Ang akala ko, simula noong sinabi mo sa sarili mo na wala na siya, wala na sila, at wala na kayong kahit na anong ugnayan sa isa't isa, magiging ayos na ang lahat. Yun ang sabi mo dati e. Dalawa lang yan: nagpauto ako sa iyong mga sinasabi, o sadyang hangal ka lang talaga. Dahil mas mataas ang ihi ko sayo, putang ina mo, hangal ka. Ikaw na ata ang pinakahangal na tao sa balat ng mundo. A, ano? May angal ka ba? Putang ina mo pala eh, malamang ikaw ang pinakahangal na tao sa balat ng mundo dahil ikaw lang naman ang laman ng makasarili at putang inang mundo mo e.

Ano ka ba naman. Move on na pare. Wala ka nang pag-asa sa kanya. Diyos kong mahabagin, halos isang taon na rin ang nakalipas, hindi ba? Ano ba, mahal mo lang talaga siya o sadyang hangal ka lang talaga? Yung tipong nung nagsabog si God Almighty nang katangahan, nasa harapan ka ng lahat at may dala pang timba at tabo? Ganoon ka ba talaga katanga? Sa tingin ko oo. Bakit? Putang ina mo kasi, hangal na walang utak! Mas may silbi pa sayo ang trapo ni kuya janitor sa Sta. Lucia. Mas may silbi pa sayo ang kaning baboy ni Tito Jun. Tangina, mas may silbi pa sayo ang tae ng kalabaw, kasi yun, pwede gawing pataba sa tanim. E ikaw? Ano ka? Some organism living beyond the normal mode of plain existence? Putang ina mo. Mas may silbi pa ang plankton sa iyo ano, at least naman ang mga yun, kinakain ng mga sugpo at hipon. Putang ina mo, hipon!

At ano naman, mamamangka ka sa lahat ng ilog na makita mo? Tangina mo naman pare. Ano nang nangyari sa pinagyayabang mong ideals, ha? Gago ka pala e. Gago na, sinungaling pa. Tangina. Hindi ka nga nagsisinungaling sa ibang tao, pero sa sarili mo? Huwag ka ngang magbulag-bulagan pare. Buti nga umalis na yung masungit na yun, tapos ayan ka na naman at nagpapadala sa sampal ng damdamin mo. Talaga bang lampa ka at miski ang sarili mong damdamin, hindi mo kayang alalayan? Tangina, kaya ka naman pala nasasaktan na lang palagi e. Tapos irereklamo mo na hindi fair ang life? E gago ka pala e. Alam mo namang hindi fair ang buhay. Mas fair pa ang mga kotong cops sa kahabaan ng Commonwealth Avenue kaysa sa putang inang Life na yan. Mas fair ba sa Life na yan ang dice na limang six ang mukha. Tangina, mas fair pa kaysa sa Life na yan ang dalawang pisong gakulangot na pandesal sa panaderia ni Manang Tiburcia.

Puta, magtinu-tino ka nga. Ang lakas nang loob mong sabihin na ayos ka na, pero ayan ka na naman at iiyak-iyak pagkatapos ng araw? Pare, huwag ka ngang maging puta. Paputa-puta ka na naman e. Mag-isip ka nga muna!

Putang ina mo. Huwag na huwag mong kakalimutan iyan.

Status: 6666 EXP

Naaliw lang ako dito.
Haha.

逆さまの蝶

Sakasama no Chou
(Inversed Butterfly)
SNoW

地獄少女 Opening Theme
(Jigoku Shoujo; Girl from Hell)




いつか光に向かう 逆さまの蝶
Itsuka hikari ni mukau sakasama no chou
Someday the inversed butterfly will face the light
君と髪を切る 鏡の中
Kimi to kami wo kiru kagami no naka
I cut my hair with you in the mirror
授業中の廊下 響く足音
Jugyouchuu no ryouka hibiku ashioto
The hallways while class is in session; the echoing sound of footsteps
絶えず雨の音がついてくるよ
Taezu ame no oto ga tsuite kuru yo
The sound of the ceaseless rain follows

感じるままの形は眩しい
Kanjiru mama no katachi wa mabushii
While I feel it, the figure is blinding
甘い花になる 毒の実にもなる
Amai hana ni naru doku no mi ni mo naru
It'll become a sweet flower; it'll become a poisonous fruit, too
今日も雨 あの日と今を
Kyou mo ame ano hi to ima wo
Today it's raining again; I want to be connected to that person
空と空でつなぎたいの
Sora to sora de tsunagitai no
Through his sky and my sky now

In this Craziness, Uncertainty
一人一人の思いを 僕らはどこかに残せるだろうか
Hitori hitori no omoi wo bokura wa dokoka ni nokoseru darou ka
I wonder if we can leave behind each and everyone's thoughts somewhere
In this Craziness, You gave me life
ひとつの思いを 僕らはどこまで守れるだろうか
Hitotsu no omoi wo bokura wa doko made mamoreru darou ka
I wonder to how far can we protect a single thought

君は覚えているの 逆さまの蝶
Kimi wa oboete iru no sakasama no chou
You remember, inversed butterfly
メールのやりとりは とりとめもない
ME-RU no yaritori wa toritome mo nai
The exchange of mail unending
流されていても 泳げればいい
Nagasarete itemo oyogereba ii
Even if I'm set adrift, I should swim
絶えず人の声は波のように
Taezu hito no koe wa nami no yo ni
The ceaseless voices of people are like waves

信じるままに 伝えるメロディ
Shinjiru mama ni tsutaeru MERODI
While I believe it, the spreading melody
優しいリズム 泣き出しそうになる
Yasashii RIZUMU nakidashisou ni naru
A gentle rhythm that seems to start weeping
いつも雨 今が未来へとつづく
Itsumo ame ima ga mirai e to tsuzuku
It's always raining; the present continues into the future
そう思いたいよ
Sou o mo itai yo
Or so I want to think

In this Craziness, Uncertainty
一人一人の形を 僕らはどこかに残せるだろうか
Hitori hitori no katachi wo bokura wa dokoka ni nokoseru darou ka
I wonder if we can leave behind each and everyone's figures somewhere
In this Craziness, You gave me life
それぞれの形を 僕らはどこまで守れるだろうか
Sorezore no katachi wo bokura wa doko made mamoreru darou ka
I wonder to how far can we protect their respective figures

僕らはどこかに残せるだろうか
Hey, kotoba ni naritagaranai kimochi ga arimasu
Hey, feelings that can't be told in words exist
人がいくら手を伸ばしても
Hito ga ikura te wo nobashitemo
No matter to how far people stretch out their hands
人の中に届かない場所がある
Hito no naka ni todokanai basho ga aru
A place that they can't reach exists inside of people
声にならない一人一人の思いが好きだから
Koe ni naranai hitori hitori no omoi ga suki dakara
Because I like each and everyone's soundless thoughts
何かにならなくてもいつの日でもかわらず
Nanika ni naranakutemo itsu no hi demo kawarazu
Even if I don't become something, I remain unchanged on any day

In this Craziness, Uncertainty
一人一人の思いを 僕らはどこかに残せるだろうか
Hitori hitori no omoi wo bokura wa dokoka ni nokoseru darou ka
I wonder if we can leave behind each and everyone's thoughts somewhere
In this Craziness, You gave me life
ひとつの思いを 僕らはどこまで守れるだろうか
Hitotsu no omoi wo bokura wa doko made mamoreru darou ka
I wonder to how far can we protect a single thought

In this Craziness, Uncertainty
一人一人の形を 僕らはどこかに残せるだろうか
Hitori hitori no katachi wo bokura wa dokoka ni nokoseru darou ka
I wonder if we can leave behind each and everyone's figures somewhere
In this Craziness, You gave me life
それぞれの形を 僕らはどこまで守れるだろうか
Sorezore no katachi wo bokura wa doko made mamoreru darou ka
I wonder to how far can we protect their respective figures

In this Craziness, Uncertainty
一人一人のあこがれ
Hitori hitori no akogare
Each and everyone's aspirations
In this Craziness, You gave me life
ひとつの輝き
Hitotsu no kagayaki
A single brilliance
In this Craziness, Uncertainty
一人一人のときめき
Hitori hitori no tokimeki
Each and everyone's palpitations
In this Craziness, You gave me life
ひとつの感動
Hitotsu no kandou
A single impression
In this Craziness, Uncertainty
一人一人のまなざし
Hitori hitori no manazashi
Each and everyone's gazes
In this Craziness, You gave me life
ひとつの偶然
Hitotsu no guuzen
A single coincedence
In this Craziness, Uncertainty
一人一人のぬくもり
Hitori hitori no nukumori
Each and everyone's warmth
In this Craziness, You gave me life
ひとつの約束
Hitotsu no yakusoku
A single promise

May Pasok na Pala Ako

Ay, may pasok na pala ako.

Hindi naman sa hindi ko narealize na may pasok na ako. Parang wala kasing nagbago sa aking buhay miski na nagkaroon na ako ng pasok since Monday.

Medyo marami na ring nangyari ngayong week na ito. Nakita ko na lahat ng mga professor ko. HIndi ko alam. Medyo mixed ang feelings ko. Masaya ako na mababa ang random number ko kaya nakuha ko si Sir Rochester for Th131 na tungkol sa Marriage and Human Sexuality. Ayos siya, in my opinion, kasi ang light ng feel ng class niya. Parang walang pressure, hindi katulad nung kay Fr. Arcilla last sem. Dahil dun, masarap makinig sa class niya, bukod sa fact na medyo interested ako sa subject na yun. Medyo natatakot lang nga ako na baka masunog ako sa aking seat dahil sa tagal ko nang hindi nagsisimba. Actually, nahilo ako nung Monday sa class niya. Siguro dahil na rin isang taon na akong walang kahit na anong theology classes. Alam mo yung feeling na umiikot yung mundo mo miski naman alam mong nakaupo ka lang? Ganun yung feeling ko habang napapalibutan ako ng words coming straight from the Bible. Akala ko nga, kinukuha na ako ni Lord eh. Sobrang omaygad talaga.

Pero as usual, merong mga class na hindi maiwasang antukin. Most CS subjects are painfully designed that way. Puro kasi concepts, algorithms, or terms ang itinuturo. Wala ring application masyado. Well, wala akong magagawa kasi yan ang pinili kong course. Ayos lang naman, nakakantok lang talaga sina Doc Mana at Doc Vergara. Ang hihina ng boses nila kaya hindi ko talagang maiwasang maprolong ang pagkurap ng aking mga mata mula sa milliseconds to about two seconds each. Ayos lang naman, may CS179.15B naman ako eh. Bukod na si do-anything-you-want Sir Jal ang prof, bago pa ang terminals sa F204. Grabe. Nakakawindang sa bilis at ganda.

Wala akong magagawa sa Ph102 ko. Required kaming manatili sa piling ni Sir Mike. Maayos naman siyang magturo, yun nga lang, hindi siya mabait sa pagbigay ng grades. Siyempre hindi maaalis sa isang estudyante ang maging grade conscious to a certain extent, pero ako naman, kahit papaano, nabawas-bawasan ko na ang pagiging grade conscious. Kailangan rin naming magtrabaho at makasama ang mga tao sa laylayan ng ating lipunan. Required siya sa para sa formation program ng Ateneo. Medyo maswerte nga ako na sa Robinsons Supermarket Marikina ako magtatrabaho ng tatlong Sabado, pero gusto ko sanang maging basurero. Wala lang. Mukha kasing exciting mangolekta ng basura ng iba.

Kaya nung nakaraang linggo, lagi na lang akong pagod pag-uwi. Hindi na ako makapag-isip ng mabuti sa antok. Paglapat ng likod ko sa aking kama, wala pang isang minuto ay wala na akong malay.

Nakakapagod.

Pero mas napapagod na ako sa mga panandaliang pagtigil ng daloy ng oras tuwing ako'y napapatitig sa kawalan, at naiisip ang nakaraan.

Still Alive

Still Alive
GLaDOS

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This was a triumph.
I'm making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS.
It's hard to overstate my satisfaction.

Aperture science.
We do what we must because we can.
For the good of all of us
Except the ones who are dead.

But there's no sense crying over every mistake
You just keep on trying till you run out of cake
And the science gets done and you make a neat gun
For the people who are still alive.

I'm not even angry.
I'm being so sincere right now.
Even though you broke my heart and killed me.
And tore me to pieces.
And threw every piece into a fire.
As they burned it hurt because
I was so happy for you.

Now these points of data make a beautiful line
And we're out of beta we're releasing on time.
So I'm GLaD I got burned think of all the things we learned
For the people who are still alive

Go ahead and leave me.
I think I prefer to stay inside.
Maybe you'll find someone else to help you.
Maybe Black Mesa -
THAT WAS A JOKE. HAHA. FAT CHANCE.
Anyway, this cake is great:
It's so delicious and moist.

Look at me still talking when there's science to do.
When I look out there it makes me GLaD I'm not you.
I've experiments to run there is research to be done
On the people who are still alive

And believe me I am still alive.
I'm doing science and I'm still alive.
I feel fantastic and I'm still alive.
While you're dying I'll be still alive.
And when you're dead I will be still alive.

Still alive

Still alive

Green Grass and High Tides

Green Grass and High Tides
The Outlaws

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In a place you only dream of
Where your soul is always free
Silver stages, golden curtains
Filled my head, plain as can be
As a rainbow grew around the sun
All the stars I've love who died
Came from somewhere beyond the scene you see
These lovely people played just for me

And if I let you see this place
Where stories all ring true
Will you let me past your face
To see what's really you
It's not for me to ask these questions
As though I were a king
For you have to love, believe and feel
Before the burst of tambourines take you there

Green grass and high tides forever
Castles of stone soul and glory
Lost faces say we adore you
As kings and queens bow and play for you

Those who don't believe me
Find your souls and set them free
Those who do, believe and love
As time will be your key
Time and time again I've thanked them
For a piece of mind
They helped me find myself
Amongst the music and the rhyme
That enchants you there

Green grass and high tides forever
Castles of stone soul and glory
Lost faces say we adore you
As kings and queens bow and play for you

A Candle in the Wind (A Memory Fades - Final Light)

November 1, 2008
Sta. Maria Public Cemetery, Sta. Maria, Bulacan

The unpredictable weather seemed to resume its usual dryness. The weather was such a friend as my cousins and I walked along the cramped street leading to the entrance of the public cemetery. The place had a very different feel from Loyola: it was robust, lively, and full of energy. It was a weird feeling. It was very strange to brush my arms with an endless array of strangers. It was very uncomfortable to see hundreds and hundreds of curious eyes taking a glimpse into the eyes of a person hailing from Manila. It was difficult to remain calm and collected as the innocent stares of passers-by became an invisible, immaterial ridicule to my tired and heavy eyes.

The agony did not stop there. Inside the cemetery, the heat was remarkably impossible. The cool air brushing about and the cloudy sky that curtained the intense heat of the sun seemed to have dissipated. The air became saturated with the mixed smell of dead flowers, wax, and human perspiration. Sweat started to trickle down my back as I started to realize the heat from the numerous candles planted in front of the nitsos and the heat from the huge amount of people cramming themselves into the white city of apartments with marble addresses. After a seemingly endless journey and after another hundred more people beaten by their curiosity, we arrived to where the ancestors of Mamie lay.

There was no place to sit. So I decided to shred a plastic bag, and sit on top of Lolo's nitso.

I was successful in establishing a nook for myself in that chaotic world, but I was unable to draw a separate peace to calm my inner self being tossed around by towering waves in the middle of a heaven-shattering sea storm.

Soon, the gray skies slowly turned into an unsure relative of purple. My back ached tremendously as kids climbed up the tallest apartments and made a playground out of the flat surfaces of other people's eternal peace. I watched them play, sing, joke around, and even dance to a beat I was deaf of. They watched in awe as the kingly presence of the betrayed sun withdrew and let the crescent moon and her darkness creep in silently. As the darkness slowly claimed her reign in the sky, the candles with all their memories made their presence more real. The candles made their presence more meaningful.

The candles burned vigorously and brightly as the sky became a deep ceiling of uncertainty. It was unnatural that all the candles, different in their shapes, sizes, and colors, seemed to be all the same to my eyes shrouded by confusion. They seemed to burn in a monotonous manner, as if all the wicks present in my vision were all chanting an unheard mantra which made me more and more desperate for answers. Distraught, confused, and feeling lonely, I gently tucked my legs closer to my body and embraced them as I tried to draw an empty sense of security from an evenly empty part of my being.

And just about that time, a strong force ravaged across the cemetery. A sudden burst of wind turned the monochromatic burn of the candles into an ocean of vermilion embers. The smell of forgotten memories coalesced about and condensed the air that filled my lungs. All candles died at the same moment as they burned all at the same time, and all at the same manner.



All,

except one.



Nanay, 83 ka na dapat ngayon kung hindi mo ako iniwan. Happy Birthday. I love you, at miss na miss ko na kayo ni Tatay.

A Memory Fades (First Light)

October 31, 2008
Loyola Memorial Park, Marikina

The weather was harsh. The light drizzle that eased the unbearable heat that lasted for days became a heavy deluge of cold needles shooting down from the sky. The peaceful air of the resting places became a chaotic calamity-stricken world where rain was the ammunition and the slippery and wet grass was the devastating effect. The merciless break of the heavens sent hundreds and hundreds of candles of all shapes, sizes, colors, and scents into the grip of the darkness. It was ironic that the candles kindled for the dead were dying in their own, little way. Most candles left alone to fend for themselves were extinguished almost instantly.

But after a brief but intense shower, the skies cleared up. Stars soon peeked amidst the chilly night sky. The candles that remained lit slowly started to burn with a renewed vigor. I found myself transfixed to the beauty of a candle's flame as more and more candles slowly regained its warmth, and its memories. I was soon surrounded by the warmth of an unknown presence as I sat silently under an old, old tree. It was the same tree that saw me burst into tears when I failed to keep all of my sadness to myself as we lowered Tatay to his final resting place. It was also the same tree which witnessed all my sorrow and tears when we were to bring Nanay to where Tatay and Tita Nene was. And I am pretty sure that was the same tree that watched an innocent kid wondering what was happening around him.

Then, it started to rain once again, as if the heavens understood what I was trying to say.