Twaintu! version 2.234 [revisited]

I MISS TWAINTU! T_T

From the November 2006 Archive of Block N: When the Jailmates Escape



The usual routine of the nmates every end of Fil12 was cards. But as usual, the geeky minds of the nmates found these old games boring and decided to make a new, fresh, exciting, and best of all, a card game that defied all aspects of geekiness: BAROK. Then there was the monumental task of naming their best creation to date.

"Sir mam haa-dog saanweech! Twaintu onlee!"
[optional lightbulb effect here]

Thus, twaintu was born.

[If you are an idiot and is clueless about this game, please continue reading.]
[If you are knowledgeable of twaintu and have plans to read on, consider psychiatric help please. You may also try diving sa sahig for exotic treatment.]


PLAYING TWAINTU:

- 2 decks of cards are needed for ultimate fun! Bitin ang single deck eh.
- Each player starts with a hand of 5 - 7 cards, except the eentersef (intercept), who starts with an extra card. The eentersef starts the game.
- The cards that are left-over becomes the draw pile
- The more players, the merrier!



RULES of TWAINTU:

--Bayseecs (Basics)--

1. Like the object of any card game, the ass who finishes his/her hand first wins. He/she would be named the grap of twaintu.

2. You can only drop a card from your hand which is of the same suit or of the same number/value as the previous drop (exceptions later).

3. If you are unable to make any move, you draw from the stack pile until a move becomes available. You can only do a fyuken (pass) if the draw pile is already empty. If it is so, the game has a leemeet.

4. You lose if at some point, your total number of cards in your hand counts in at twai.. uh I mean twenty-two.

5. If you have a single card remaining in your hand, you must immediately shout chorva! Failure to comply gives a chance for other players to see your chorvaness (the state of having a single card left). If someone shouts chorva before you do, too bad slowpoke, you draw 4 cards. In the event that the draw pile is already empty, well, each player gives the chorvant (the one captured in his/her chorvaness) a card of his/her choosing. HOW BRUTAL! But be informed that a player cannot win because of the chorvanthood (state of the chorvant being caught in his/her chorvaness) of the chorvant. The chorvites (players other than the chorvant) cannot become chorvants in their chorvanesses.

6. If the game comes to a thomas time (how much time, all players pass), it's time to count the values of the cards. Special powers count as 0.

7. The last person to discard all cards or the person with the highest total card value at the end is the loser, or more appropriately termed as the assimtowt.



--Starting the goddam game--
Sadly, there is no switch for on.

1. The top of the stack pile is revealed.

2. The eentersef is the first one who plays.



--Isfeyshal Fowersh (Special Powers)--
Sometimes, fate smiles at you and grants you a special power. Call yourself a chi-a-ter if you have a LOT. These cards still follow the same suit or number/value rule, except the Jack.

You can earn a special power if you play exactly the same card as the last drop. This is an instance of the powah churem (power theorem). Get the last special power that was played in the discard pile. Be careful upon using the powah churem because not all circumstances when applying this rule is advantageous.

ACE: The EVIL card. Select the player who would be deesc (disconnected, lose a turn) . You cannot deesc the same player consecutively.

JACK: Wildcard! Select the suit the next person would play.

QUEEN: Select the person who plays next.

KING: Makes all players except the person who played this terrific thing draw a card. Pretty senseless if the game has a leemeet or if there are not enough cards for every player to draw.



There, are you ready to play twaintu?
Enjoy! Don't forget to chorva!

CHORVA!

lol, LOL

Kanina, first day ng pasok para sa taong 2008. Kasi nga, 2007+1=2008 diba? O nakalimutan mo na yun? Okay. Either mas makakalimutin ka lang sa akin or hindi ka marunong mag-add. Even worse, hindi ka nagbabasa ng mga post ko sa blog kong over 2000 hits na pala dahil sa kakaedit ko ng aking mga posts dahil sinusumpong ng OCness. WAHA.

Absent yung seatmate ko kaninang Sci10. Ang tumabi tuloy sa akin ay si Perry, yung assistant ni Mrs. Perez. Ayaw ko sa kanya kasi siya yung nagtsecheck ng attendance. By the way, lumago ang bigote niya. Kaya pala he looked a little different earlier. So ayun, masama daw yung modified true or false nung long test namin (seriously, ang dami kong "both are true" kasi hindi ako nakaaral ng mabuti dahil wala akong Romancing Science [yung book na parang bastos ang topic] dahil ayaw kong bumili) kaya napilitan siyang ibaba ang HPS to 90. Yay. Sana naman at least maka-C+ ako dahil ayaw kong magfinals. Natawa lang kaming lahat dun sa nakalagay sa slide ni ma'am: "About 10 Filipinos have no access to water at all." Humirit pa si ma'am na "Ah you should be grateful that you aren't included in the 10!" Lol. Literal na lol talaga.

Pinagtawanan namin ni Amboy yung mga naglalaro ng volleyball after that. Nakakatuwa kasi yung mga nagseserve eh. "Ang galing o, may paa pa!" Sira ulo yang si Amboy. Evul. Napatawa talaga ako nun. Another lol for me. Medyo excited ako dahil namiss ko talaga ang fencing, at lalo pa akong naexcite nung malaman kong party games ang gagawin nina Amboy at Nemi sa PE nilang Recreational Activities. Napalol ulit ako nung narinig kong sila ay titipar.

May bagong tinurong parry si Coach Walter. He properly named the Parry 4 that we know as "Lateral Parry 4" as well as the Parry 6 we think we know as "Lateral Parry 6" Meron din palang Circular Parry 4 at Circular Parry 6 (hindi ko masyadong maalala, pero nakikinig ako kanina promise) na gagawin mo para madisengage ka sa parry ng iyong kalaban at para mapunta sa iyo ang Right of Way. Basta. Fencing jargon. Napalol na lamang ako nung pinagpair na kami para mapractice ang mga bagong parry. Para kasi kaming naghahalo ng juice ni Ace dahil ikot lang ng ikot ang mga foil namin. Tumino lang kami nung pinanood kami ni Coach Walter. Naamaze nga ako sa effectiveness of disengagement eh.

At nakinig ako kay Mugalicious Mugababes kaninang AMC125. May natutunan ako kay Felix kanina (oo close kami, lol). Natuto ako tungkol sa trees, spanning trees, at forests na dadalawa lamang ang trees. Nagcheck siya ng attendance kanina. Huwaw.

Matapos nun, nagkaroon ako ng internal dilemma dahil hindi ko alam kung uuwi na ba ako at kakain ng fish nuggets (kikiam tawag ko diyan, pero Fish Nuggets ayon na rin sa pack nito at ayon din sa mga taga-UP na nakakasabay kong kumain dun) ni Ate na hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko pa rin alam ang pangalan sa may Harap ng Alumni Hostel ba yun o pupuntang Gateway at maglalaro ng Percussion Freaks 5th Mix at DrumMania 10th Mix dahil dalawang linggo na akong hindi nakakahampas ng rubber pads. Nahirapan ang aking decision-making apparatus kanina. Pero umuwi na lang ako dahil tinamad na akong pumuntang Gateway dahil umambon. Kumain na lang ako ng dalawang stick ng fish nuggets.

Napalol ako pagkauwi dahil sobrang baho ng aking five flatus combo. Napailing nga pati si Bianca na binigyan ni ate ng pampurga.

At nung nagpagupit ako, muntik na akong mapalol ulit dahil nakita ko si Milai at natandaan ko yung ikinuwento niya sa amin dati. Pinagupitan ko ang aking buhok na nasa pagitan ng emo at metrosexual sa super hassle-free white side wall. Yesz.

Marami akong lol ngayong araw na ito. At dahil sa mga lol na ito, naramdaman kong muli ang LOL na nawala sa akin ng ilang linggo.

Lol = laugh out loud.

But I say LOL for Laugh Of Life.

Nakanamputanesca! Ang drama! Draman ka talaga!

May Pasok na Ako Bukas

I have to reiterate na ang Christmas Break ang pinaka pangit of all two-week breaks existent sa aking student history. Kasi naman, sa gitna ng sem. This only means na maraming pinapagawa over the break kasi nga malamang matutuyo ang mga utak namin. Imagine mo na lang na sa sobrang hirap ng binibigay na acads, tapos mawawala all of a sudden. Parang drugs ang break eh. High moment ka agad the very moment i-dismiss kayo ng prof niyo ng last class before the break. Napakalakas din ng withrawal tendency mo na tamarin kapag may pasok na kinabukasan. And I do mean tamaring pumasok. As in tamad na tamad, solid sa pagkatamad, as if wala ka nang break in your lifetime. Hindi katulad ng Christmas Break ang Summer Break, After-ng-Summer Summer Break, at yung Semestral Break. Lahat naman ay parehong 2-3 weeks ang haba, pero ang main difference ay wala kang kailangan gawing schoolwork during those breaks. Well, wala kang expected schoolwork na kailangang gawin. Kasi iiwan mo yun kasama sa pagtatapos ng Summer, First Sem, o kaya naman Second Sem. Pero hindi sa Christmas Break.

May deliverable kami sa CS122. Sinimulan ko na ba? Um, January 15, 2008 at 3:00pm pa naman ang submission nun eh. Besides, ako na ang gumawa ng unang deliverable. Pati ba naman ito, ako ang gagawa? (Like duh daddy mo ang client ng inyong database project.)

Long Test 1 namin sa AMC125 (ang aking favorite subject) sa Thursday. Parts 1-5 yata ng Chapter 11: Introduction to Graph Theory ang coverage (mahusay kang estudyante dahil hindi mo alam ang coverage ng LTs mo). Nag-aral naman na ako. Yata.

History! Anong masasabi ko? WOOHOO! May bago na kaming readings at hindi ko pa tapos basahin yung tungkol sa India. I will just take down notes. Nakikinig naman ako tuwing history ah. Ang dami ko na ngang notes sa Filipino-turned-History notebook kong si Joseph Bitangcol ang pabalat. Si Sandara sana yung gusto ko, kaso wala daw makitang Sandara Park inspired notebook si ate, kaya daw boyfriend na lang daw ni Sandara yung binili niya. Ecch.

Kaya nga tinawag na "break" ang mga break dahil dapat wala kang gawing schoolwork. Ateneo naman kasi, paminsan hindi nag-iisip ng mabuti. Well at least naman ako, nagawa ko ang kailangan kong gawin sa break, at iyon ay to have a break from school.

Puwet mo! Alam mong may kailangan kang gawin, pero hindi mo ginawa.

Eh kasi naman no, gagawin ko rin yan kapag may pasok na ako, eh bakit kailangan ko ring gawin nung wala akong pasok?

May pasok na ako bukas. Gagastos na ulit ako ng about P40.00 sa pagcommute papuntang school at siyempre pauwi galing school. Haharapin ko nang muli ang aking gawaing pampamantasang aking tinakbuhan ng halos dalawang linggo. Bukas, estudyante na ulit ako. Malalanghap ko na naman ang maduming hangin ng Katipunan Avenue dahil sa mga smoke belcher (bakit may pulang salungguhit ang "belcher"?). Well marami lang talagang sasakyan sa Katipunan dahil diyan sa mga grade school at high school na hatid-sundo ni mommy o kaya ni daddy o dahil may sarili silang sasakyan. Mag school bus na lang nga kayo! Para mabawas-bawasan naman ang traffic sa Katipunan! Kaming mga commuter ang pinaka naaabala eh! (Inggit ka lang, that's why.)

Pero aaminin kong namiss ko ang school. Namiss ko ang aking block. Namiss kong maglakad na may dalang backpack na mabigat. Namiss kong makakita ng maraming tao na alam kong mga estudyante rin silang may mga problema tungkol sa long test o hindi naman kaya dahil naiwan niya ang kaniyang ID at iniiwasan sina Manong Guard sa CTC at si Manong Guard sa may SEC Walkway.

Namiss kong maging estudyante. Kaya matutulog na ako dahil 8:30 ang pasok ko bukas.

Katangahan, Pero Hindi Naman Talaga Katangahan

Hala. Hindi ko masimulan ang post kong ito.

Tanga ka kasi. Hindi ka lang tanga, tanang-tunay ka pa.

Kasi ganito yun. Hindi ba may problema ako sa block ko? Well problema as in wala silang ginawa sa akin, pero masyado kasing volatile ang aking emotions kaya nagkaroon ako ng problema. Wala silang kasalanan, kasalanan kong ganito ang aking nararamdaman dahil ako naman ang nasasaktan, kasi nga ako ang may kasalanan. Ang labo.

Nakatagpo ako ng aking masisilungang bahay. Unti-unting sumigla ang aking buhay kahit papaano dahil sa mga nakatira sa bahay na iyon. Unti-unti akong nagkaroon ng lakas upang tumayong muli matapos kong malaglag sa ikalawa, sa ikatlo, sa ikaapat, sa ikapito, o kahit sa ikasiyamnapu't walong baitang ng hagdanan ng aking mga problemang ako rin naman ang gumawa.

Kahit papaano, ako'y sumiglang muli. Iyan kasi ang aking naramdaman.

Parang Hydrite sa taong may iti. Ay, ang pangit pakinggan. Hindi kasi maganda ang tiyan ni Bianca kanina kaya't pinainom siya ng Hydrite.

Parang Clusivol gana-eat gana-grow sa mga batang walang ganang kumain. Ay, ang pangit pa rin. Lagi na lang kasing wala akong ganang kumain ng "agahan" na alas-dos o alas-tres ng hapon.

Parang sleeping pills sa isang insomniac. O di naman kaya'y isang litrong kape sa isang batugan.

Si Kuratowski kasi at ang kanyang teoriya. Wala talaga siguro silang magawa noong mga panahon nila. Ayan tuloy, ngayong may magagawa na, inaaral naman ang kanilang naisip dahil sa pagkabagot. Kailangan ko pang aralin ang Chapter 11: Introduction to Graph Theory ng aking libro sa AMC125: Discrete Mathematics for Computer Science II. Mali pala, wala akong libro. Aaralin ko pa ang photocopies ko ng Chapter 11 at sasagutan ang Section Exercises. Photocopy ha, hindi xerox, kasi brand iyon ng photocopying machine.

Eh bakit parang lumilihis ka na sa ikunukwento mo kanina? Ganyan ka ba talaga katanga?

Paumanhin. Ayaw ko lang kasing aminin sa sarili ko na nagkakaganito ako. Well, naiinis, naiiyak, nalulungkot, nagdadalamhati, nalilito, nahihirapan, at nananatiling sawi ang aking pakiramdam. Dahil sa bahay na nagbigay sa akin ng silong at tanglaw, naramdaman kong muling umandar ang aking katangahan.

Ganito. Let's put things in a situation kasi it's better and more interesting that way.

...

Ay sandali. Hindi ako makaisip ng interesting situation. Too bad.

...

Hindi talaga ako makaisip. Blind item na lang.

Si Blogger (hindi tunay na pangalan obviously) ay nagkaroon ng internal problem with his friend na si Xanga (na hindi rin tunay na pangalan). Nauhaw kasi siya at natakot siyang humingi ng tubig kay Xanga dahil iisa lamang ang bote ng tubig ni Xanga. Ngayon, dahil martir itong si Blogger, tiniis niya ang kaniyang uhaw dahil alam niyang uhaw na uhaw din si Xanga. Natiis niya ang kanyang uhaw hanggang nakilala niya sa Wordpress (na hindi pa rin tunay na pangalan, I mean, ipapangalan mo ba sa anak mo ay "Wordpress Cruz"?). Tinulungan siya ni Wordpress sa kanyang uhaw, ngunit nagkaroon na naman ng isang pagkakataon na uhaw na uhaw silang pareho at iisa lamang ang 100ml bottle ng Wilkins o Absolute o Summit ni Wordpress. Humiga na lamang si Blogger sa lupa at ibinuka ang kanyang bibig habang bumabagyo. Ang lesson ng story: magbaon ng maraming tubig kung may balak magpiknik.

Eh bakit nga ba laging walang dalang tubig si Blogger?

Lagi niya raw kasing ibinibigay ang tubig niya sa mga pulubing uhaw na uhaw.

Hmp. Tanga nga niya.

Hindi ko kasi alam ang tawag sa kanya eh. So tatawagin ko na lang siyang "tanga."

Ah. So sinong tanga ngayon?

Mirrors

I've been noticing that I am slowly losing interest in the things that I loved doing for the past few weeks. My interest has waned down in the things that I thought I will not be able to live without. I have felt this feeling before, and my experience tells me that after I have completely stopped something I was dying to do before, I would be dying to do it again in the future. Even so, I am sad at the same time worried on why this keeps on happening.

Maybe the shirt I bought for myself is true. "I never finish anyth".

Or maybe it's just because I have seen the monotony of my life and is just looking for something to break that?

This is the sad part of it. You thought you have found the thing that would break your single-toned life, your daily routine that deep inside you are already sick of, but after the joy has been extinguished, you get bored again. Or maybe you just expect too much from something. I guess that's it. You expect and rely heavily on something because you want to run away and feel the happiness that you know you deserve. You happily anticipate the emancipation you will feel, but you never get to truly and fully embrace that freedom you have longed and yearned for. What you see instead is the happiness of people who have dreamed humbly. You tell yourself, "aren't my dreams as humble as theirs?" You start to question the algorithm that encompasses your everyday life. You start to think whether your destiny has been written long before your soul started to regain its new consciousness. You start to look where the damage has been dealt. You soon realize that you cannot answer your own questions and decide to seek for some light within other people. For the few letters that compose the word "rare," you open your heart to other people and start to create new memories with these people.

They were happy people. Their auras emanated with the sincerity and compassion your hungry, desperate self was looking for. Their feelings overflowed into your dried up life, quenching everything that was inadequate. You soon realize that everything would be alright with them. At last, the monotony is finally broken. Your soul started to regain the vitality it has lost over time. You started to feel alive again. The flow of time has released you from its bondage of seemingly eternal stagnation.

But...

You start to be dependent once more. You start to be reliant again.

You never learn, do you?

I opened my eyes and saw myself standing between two unending mirrors. As I look into my reflection, I saw a person with a very hollow heart. It was then I realized that his heart was empty because he was looking at me. The one who was looking at him also had a hollow heart. I got bothered. Every time a thought enters my deeply troubled and confused mind, it dispersed and shattered into fragments. Those fragments materialized, and shattered the mirrors that confined me. I embraced myself and protected the memories I thought were precious from the never ending hail of razor-sharp glass shards. As I looked up, each tiny fragment revealed the truth: everybody had an empty heart patiently waiting to be filled and accepted by someone.

Your high hopes filled with optimism and strength slowly erodes until it withers to an unbearable state of deep depression. But it is funny that you feel content.

Sad, but content.

Tong-its

Meron kang dos, tres, singko, at sais ng diamonds. Nasa iyo ang dalawang itim na king. Meron kang tatlong dyis. Meron ka rin namang jack of hearts at queen of diamonds. Dahil ikaw ang taya, meron kang two of hearts.

Ayos. Panalo ka na.

Binaba mo ang queen of diamonds. Pinulot ito ng iyong katabi, ibinaba ang tatlong queen, at saka nagtapon ng isang king. Hindi ka nawalan ng pag-asa dahil meron pang isang king, ang king of hearts, na baka sakaling ibaba ng iyong katabi o 'di naman kaya'y maswerteng mabunot mo. Bumunot ang nasa kaliwa mo, at ibinaba ang seven of clubs. Hindi mo iyon kailangan. Bumunot ka habang ipinagdarasal na king of hearts o kaya'y four of diamonds ang iyong makuha. Four nga ang nakuha mo, pero four of hearts naman. Peste. Masyado yatang matindi ang iyong pagdarasal at ibinigay nga pareho. Itinapon mo ang jack of hearts dahil sampung puntos din yun kung saka-sakaling walang makatapos.

Nagpatuloy ang laro niyo. Marami nang natayong bahay. Naroon na ang nine of hearts, clubs, at spades, ang tatlong queen, ibinaba mo na ang iyong tatlong ten. Nakababa na rin ang dos, tres, at kwatro ng clubs, ang five hanggang seven of diamonds, ang alas, dos, at tres ng spades, at ang ten, jack, at queen of spades. Iniisip mo ang iyong gagawin dahil manipis na ang bunutan. Iduduktong mo ba ang iyong king of spades at itatapon ang king of clubs? O hihintayin mo ang king of hearts na baka sakaling makuha mo pa? Pero namomoblema ka pa rin sa iyong butas na straight flush. Nawawala pa ang four of diamonds. Bumunot ka. Ayun! Four of diamonds! Ayos ka na. Panalo ka na. Umandar na ang iyong self-praise apparatus dahil kaunti na lang, panalo ka na. Kailangan mo na lang nung high-risk card na yun.

Pero nagdalawang isip ka. Matatapos na kasi ang laban.

Itinapon mo yung king of clubs. Hindi mo binaba ang iyong straight flush dahil gusto mong ipitin ang mga kalaban mo. Ang natitira na lang sa iyo ay yung six of spades na nabunot mo kanina at yung two of hearts dahil ikaw ang taya. Yung nasa kanan mo na. Bumunot siya. Nagulat ka sa dami ng kanyang ibinaba, pero may naiwang dalawang baraha sa kanyang kamay. Napansin mo rin na idinuktong niya ang five of spades. Ayos. Two of hearts na lang ang problema mo. Ganun din ang nangyari dun sa nakaupo sa kaliwa mo. Isa na lang ang hawak niyang baraha. Ikaw na ang bubunot. Nadama mong iisa na lang ang nasa bunutan. Pinulot mo iyon at tiningnan.

Ang king of hearts.

Sana, hindi mo idinuktong ang king of spades at hindi itinapon ang king of clubs. Tong-its ka sana. Naisip mo na sayang ang final draw tong-its. Pero ayos lang, two lang naman ang magiging score mo. Itinapon mo ang king of hearts na iyon habang paulit-ulit mong sinasabi na sayang. Sayang, sayang, sayang talaga.

Show time na.

Idinuktong nung nasa kaliwa mo ang eight of diamonds. Ace of diamonds ang naiwan sa kanya. Naipit siya dahil sa iyo. Akala mo isa na lang ang baraha niya, yun pala, dalawa pa.

Idinuktong nung nasa kanan mo ang nine of diamonds. Ace of hearts ang naiwan sa kanya.

Wala kang nagawa. Malas ka lang talaga.



Ang buhay ay isang malaking laro ng tong-its na kung saan nakataya ang lahat. Paminsan akala mong panalo ka na ngunit sa huli, talo ka. Pero higit na mas importante na nakita mong ginawa mo ang lahat para maging matagumpay ka kaysa sa manalo.

Pero kung nakataya ang lahat, makikita mo bang mas importante iyon?

Matagal na akong hindi nagtotong-its. Hindi bumaba sa sampung laro ng tong-its ang nalalaro ko dati tuwing lunch o 'di naman kaya'y may break na sobrang haba na nakakabobo na ang pagtunganga at nakakasabaw na ng utak ang pagtulog.

So wala na akong buhay? Ganun ba?

Fireworks

January 1 na pala. Happy birthday Melody Kay. O ayan ha, binati kita. Baka sabihin mong hindi kita binati.

Last night was...horrible. Well hindi naman siguro.

Maganda naman yung mga paputok dun sa Mt. Everest. Rich people kasi yung mga nakatira sa kalyeng yun eh. At least naman they were generous enough to share their money by buying those aerial fireworks. Well, tinitingnan ko ito sa aking pananaw. Ewan ko lang baka selfish, kunat people sila at binili nila yun to show off. Hindi naman siguro. I mean, new year na new year tapos ganun ang iniisip nila? Well, hindi ako sila to know.

Pero amazing talaga yung fireworks. After a faint firing sound, a small glimmer of light would streak the night sky, and explode to a variety of colors that would ultimately disrupt the infinitely ebony sky. It was awesome. Yun lang talaga ang hinihintay ko tuwing bagong taon. Kung walang magagarang paputok ang mga tao sa Mt. Everest at puro fountain at mga labintador at mga kwitis lamang ang sinisindihan ng tao dito, malamang ang gabi ng December 31 ay parang isang normal na mumu araw lang. Well normal besides na kakain kami ng hatinggabi at magsisimba before that.

Speaking of simba, matagal na akong hindi nagsisimba. Nagsisimba na lang ako kapag napilit. Ni hindi na nga yata ako nagdadasal eh. Hindi naman sa hindi na ako naniniwala kay Jesus. Hindi lang talaga kasi ako isang relihiyosong tao. Well dati siguro, kasi tatlong taon akong Knights of Christ. Well sabagay, ngayong iniisip ko kung bakit ako sumali sa org na yun (activity yata yung grade school term), sumali yata ako dahil ayaw kong tumabi sa mga kaklase ko tuwing may school-wide mass (na hindi naman talaga school-wide dahil hindi kasali ang prep at grade 1). Mainit kasi eh. Oo tama. Yun nga yung dahilan.

Something to do with changing people yung homily nung misa kagabi. Besides na homily na kami dumating, hindi ako masyadong nakinig. Preoccupied kasi yung utak ko sa tao/bagay/event na hindi ko na sasabihin kung sino/ano yun. Parang there was this man na he wanted to change the world, but he realized that it was impossible, so he wanted to change his country, na imposible rin para sa kanya, tapos his city, village, hanggang sa family na lang niya. Pero hindi pa rin niya magawa, and it was then he realized na it was only himself he could change. For the better? For the worse? Ewan ko dahil hindi ako nakinig. Pero dahil misa yun, dahil homily yun, malamang, for the better. Natalakay namin sa Hi16 class ko na parang "mind control" of some sorts ang religion. I know there is a better term, but I can't remember eh, so I'll settle with "mind control." Kasi Hindus believe in reincarnation and karma. So parang kahit gaano ka fcuked up yung life nila, they believe ba gagaan ang buhay nila in their next life kung hindi nila mafree ang sarili nila from samsara (by conquering maya, wow naaalala ko pa) by doing their part in the society bound by the caste.

Going back dun sa homily ni idk pari, eh paano kung multiple ang iyong personality?

Ang dami daming magagandang paputok. Maganda talaga. Ang dami pang kulay. Naisip ko na those fireworks were set off by people who have conquered their own little ebony sky. The flash of light, the drizzle of sparks, the shine of different chromes blazing across the sky came with the bright hopes and dreams for the new year they were happily anticipating. They bid the last few moments of the year with anticipation and welcomed the new year full of optimism and promise. All of these I saw through their eyes. I saw their open hearts ready to embrace new blessings, new opportunities, new hopes, new promises, new, relationships, new challenges, new problems, and new difficulties that 2008 will be bringing them. They were ready to leave the past without forgetting the lessons they have learned and face the new year with faces confident and held up high.

Eh ako? Ano sa akin ang new year?

2007 + 1 = 2008.

I'm not ready to leave the past behind. Well maybe I am, but hindi ko kayang mag-isa. And the bad thing is, my heart is closed from the joyous outside world.

Nagising ako kanina mula sa aking idlip na madilim na ang aking kwarto. Bigla biglang lumiwanag at sinilaw ang mga mata kong uhaw sa liwanag. Nadama ko ang panandaliang takot na nararamdaman ng isang taong nakakita ng kidlat. Tinakpan ko ang aking tainga sa paghahanda sa isang malakas na kulog.

Isa pala iyong paputok.




New year na Rudolf... or kung sino ka man ngayon.

Ang Ngayon at ang Kahapon

Sana naman magtuluy-tuloy na itong nararamdaman ko. Well hindi lahat siguro. Ewan ko ba.

Mga a week ago, ako ay binalitaan ni Lucky na may birthday party/reunion ang F sa December 28 sa kanyang bahay. Well, walang buhay akong nag-oo dahil sumasailalim ako sa isang period ng aking periodic depression (kaya nga period kasi periodic eh). Hindi ko ako naging masyadong excited kasi nga magkakaroon pa kami ng party ng block sa December 18. Basta yun.

Araw ng physics LT ko nun. Kinamusta ko yung isa kong kaibigan:

"Kamusta na kayo ni [pangalan]?"

"Ayos naman kami. We are in good terms."

"Ah."

Tapos nanahimik siya for some time. Tinanong ko kung pupunta ba siya sa Christmas Party namin later that evening. Oo naman daw, pero baka sandali lang kasi ayaw na niya raw mag-mingle sa block. Medyo naintindihan ko naman kung bakit ganun yung feelings niya. As a friend, inintindi ko yun at hindi na nag-probe in further. As a friend, I tried to be there when he needed a friend, especially nung isang time na yun. Wala akong nasabi kasi wala talaga akong alam na masasabi na makakatulong. Pero sinubukan ko pa rin talaga siyang samahan kasi kailangan niya ng kaibigan.

"Ayaw ko nang mag-mingle kasi hindi ka naman sasaluhin ng college friends mo kapag namroblema ka eh. High school friends mo ang tutulong at sasalo sa iyo. Tingnan mo ako, nung [nangyari yung nangyari], yung mga kaibigan ko sa high school ang tumulong sa akin. Yung college friends, sila pa yung naging simula ng problema ko sa buhay eh." Well, hindi yan exact quote dahil ang memory ko ay oh so poor.

I tightly held my heart in my mind and stopped the tears that were filling my eyes from falling. I had to be strong for the people I value the most. I had to be strong. Well, I have to be strong. Hindi totoo yung mga sinabi niya. Hindi yun totoo. Sinabi lang niya yun dahil depressed lang siya sa mga bagay na nangyari sa kanya.

Oh yeah, yung physics LT na yun was like icing on a crappy, crappy cake that no one wants to eat because it reeks of vomit. Biruin mong right minus wrong? UPCAT yata yung ftw LT na yan eh.

Nung papunta na kaming Christmas party, nakita ko si Garde sa may harap ng Rustans. For once in the whole day and the whole afternoon, ngumiti ako. I felt seriously happy when I saw him. I got out from my blockmate's van and had a seriously needed chat with a best friend of mine na taga-F, hindi taga-N. Too bad he had to go before we needed to.

Honestly, nung araw ng Christmas party namin, I didn't feel like partying at all. I would be like insulting my prideful self when I felt the need to party. Wala talaga. So I just stayed outside with the bags and tried to sleep. I stayed outside and pretended to be asleep. Until one voice said:

"Dofie, are you okay?"

Sinabi kong inaantok lang ako. Pero alam ko na alam niyang I have something going on inside of me kasi sinabi ko sa kanya one time na whenever I feel sad and is unable to keep it all in, I just tell everyone "Inaantok ako" when they ask why I'm sad. One part of me tells myself na don't make people worry because you will feel more worried, another part tells me na hindi naman nila maiiintindihan yung situation mo, and another one tells me na what the f*ck is with these guys snooping around other people's lives.

"You want to talk about it?"

I shook my head. Ayaw kong pag-usapan kasi hindi ko pwedeng pag-usapan. Pero my eyes cannot hold it in any much longer. I cried. I really, really cried.

That moment, inaaproach ako ng isa kong friend. He tried to talk to me pero I didn't want to talk to anyone. In fact, I felt na I didn't need anyone.

"Dahil ba sa Physics?" Hell no.

"Meron ba akong nasabi?" Sinabi kong wala. Pero nagsinungaling ako. Meron siyang sinabi right before that ftw LT.

"Just leave me alone. Please."

"Hindi yun pwede. Kakaunti na lang nga sa block yung tinuturi kong kaibigan, tapos iiwanan ko pa? Hindi yun pwede."

Iyak pa rin ako ng iyak, pero deep inside, nagpapasalamat ako sa kanya.

Yes, I have to admit na dahilan nga ng mga problema ko ang mga friends ko ngayon. There is this so-near-yet-so-far thing going on between me and another blockie. At alam kong hindi niya alam yun kasi apathetic siya. That person told me na sasaluhin niya ako kapag nadulas ako. Well it turns out, masakit palang madulas sa isang thick and solid slab of concrete ng iyong mga problema. And I distinctly remember asking this person na "[Name], bakit ka sad?" when that person was showing something different that that person's usual smile.

After that night, I chose to be silent. I need the solitude once and for all. I was running away from it, but it eventually caught up with me. Napapagod din naman ang tao sa kakatakbo, unless na naka-steroids siya or something.

And the people were asking kung ayos lang ba ako. Obviously hindi.

Ewan ko lang ha. Mahirap talagang mag-expect ng mga bagay sa isang tao.

Kagabi lang, nagkita ko ulit ang Fboys. Halos walang pinagbago ang samahan. Halos wala. Ang dami kong kinuhang pictures. Ang dami talaga. Ang dami, dami, dami talaga.

And for almost three weeks, naramdaman ulit ng aking facial muscles ang electric impulse to smile. Ecch, what a geek I have become.

Nung pauwi na ako, sinabi ko dun sa sinabayan ko na grabe, ang dami kong kinuhang pictures. Ako daw kasi, kuha ng kuha.

That time, sinabi ko sa sarili ko na baka nga tama yung isa kong kaibigan.

Or baka naman depressed lang din ako?

Apathy

...

Being lifeless is different from being dead.

Lifelessness is not void of life, but the feeling of being alive.
In the absence of life, death approaches.
In the valley of death, freedom emerges.

Why?

Why...

...

Ironic.
Lifeless, yet pain is felt.
Capable of feeling, yet unable to see happiness.
Incapable of happiness, yet content with lifelessness.
Ironic.
Lifeless, yet pain is felt.
Capable of feeling, yet unable to see happiness.
Incapable of happiness, yet content with lifelessness.
Ironic.

...

Apathy.

...


Scared. So scared.
Frightened.

But aware.

...

O, Anong Nangyari sa November mo?

To tell you the truth, kung sino man ang kausap ko, hindi ko alam.

Kanina lang, nagquiz kami sa physics, history, at CS. Well basically, lahat ng subjects ko kanina ay may quiz. Perfect ko yung sa physics, sobra pa nga kasi nakuha ko yung bonus last week, at surprisingly, madali yung quiz ko sa history. Medyo nasad pa nga kami kasi hindi lumabas si Krsna Dvaipayana Vyasa, yung supposedly author ng Mahabhrata. Yung CS, well 4 out of 10 lang ako. Hindi ko naaral kasi I was busy studying for history. At alam niyo bang 4 cans a day of SPAM ang nakakain ng mga Hawaiians? Wala lang. Yan kasi yung bonus eh na hindi ko nakuha.

Going back, lagi kasing parang may stopping force tuwing may gusto akong ipost dito. Hindi ko talaga alam. I will try to fight that force and go back to the usual, random self I portray in my blog. Ang daming nangyari na hindi ko naikuwento sa blog ko no. Basta. Ewan ko. Baka lang nagiging busy ako these days. Well oo, busy sa EssenceRO, pero hey, there are much more bigger things happening than that.

Ang lakas ng Maximum Over Thrust. Mahal, pero super worth it talaga.

I would stop here kasi I don't want to lose my momentum. Gagawin ko pa yung project proposal sa CS eh.

Anong nangyari sa November ko? Ayun, nagdaan lang katulad ng lahat ng Novembers ng lahat ng mga tao.

So much for the "kawawa naman si November dahil kasunod niya si December" drama shizzle fizzle.