Reality and Fantasy: at War

After defeating a kingdom's whole army and endlessly routing one enemy officer after the other, sleepiness came knocking on my tired eyes. After continuously firing arrows that split into massive shockwaves that stunned the enemy on the spot, I felt a bolt of sleepiness hit my impenetrable desire to play. The mighty swings of the Spirit Reaper and the alluring but deadly dances of Da Ji were defeated by the tired feeling that consumed me inside. It was time to leave the world Orochi had created to test his might against the heroes of history. The short arm of the clock at three and the long one at six bellowed a lullaby in irony. I had to go to sleep because if my parents were to catch me playing in such an unholy hour, I would be toast for good.

Still thinking about the game that I was playing for over two hours, I lied on my bed. Staring directly into the darkness where the ceiling painted like the sky was supposed to be, I kept thinking about Ina's fantastic attacks with her bow, Da Ji's chaotic disruption as she performs her attacks with her Spheres of Decay, and Orochi's massive pulse, flame, and lightning charge attack. I was silently washed away to the shores of sleep with these thoughts in mind. However, the calm crashing of the waves in the shoreline suddenly became a loud, dissonant noise that echoed infinitely into the remote distance.

Video games have always brought me a different kind of peace. The fragments of power and fantasy make me break free from the painful bonds of reality and bring me into a world where war and harmony exist side by side. It blinds the harsh realities that one has to face in life. The escape from reality that these games offer me has kept me sane in the rockiest rivers and roughest seas. However, one cannot escape reality as it always reveals itself to the consciousness of people. No matter how hard we try to run away from the real world, we still exist and move in real time and space. When we try to escape reality, we are simply deluding ourselves to a foolish sense of emancipation to freedom.

My mind suddenly went blank.

And then, it happened.



Masaya ba ako?



I have asked myself that question over and over again. But all I ever do is enter the fantasy world, hoping tomorrow will bring more enemies to knock out, more items to collect, and more strategies to foil. I simply load up a game and channel all my energies into completing the mission placed in front of me.

All I ever do is run away, once again hoping that tomorrow will be just the same as today.

A Crimson Tear Appears as Six

Solace found in inner peace,
What was lost seemed to be found.
A crying soul wanting to be free;
Eternity sadness surround.

Why is there happiness outside?
A smile always seen in your face.
Why is there loneliness inside?
Midnight tears flow without a trace.

Single?
Double?
Mingle?
Trouble?

In silence I find solace.
In darkness I find peace.
Sadness bleeds with the pain it inflicts;
A crimson tear appears as six.

Beat the Polygraph: The Moment of Truth (First Pulse)

The Moment of Truth is a game show wherein contestants, before the show, are asked fifty or more questions while they are connected to a polygraph. The contestants are asked to answer the questions as truthfully as they can, as the results of the test are not revealed to the contestants. During the show, he or she is asked twenty-one questions from the pool of questions they were asked during the lie-detector test. The questions progressively get more and more personal, and the contestant only has to answer these questions as truthfully as they can to win the half million dollars.

I was watching an episode of The Moment of Truth earlier this evening. It was amusing to watch the female contestant in her despair as she tried to contain her emotions. She endlessly shifted her bottom on her seat. She always sighed a big breath of relief whenever the female voice would say the word "TRUE". The questions revolved around her relationship with her current husband, which apparently was not her first, second, or third spouse. Very personal questions were thrown at her, but she all answered those truthfully. Her reveal that she would not marry her husband if he didn't had the money won her $100,000. But the question that made her win $200,000 was about her mother. She answered no when she was asked the question if her mother was terminally ill and wanted to end her life, would she do it or not.

As I was silently laughing at her struggle, thoughts came to my head. I told myself that one has no reason to worry if in all his or her life, he or she did not do anything that is against his or her conscience, or something embarrassing for the matter. I wondered what would happen to me if I was the one seated in that modern seat, being barraged with questions pertaining to the most private aspects of my life. Will I shift endlessly in the seat as well? Will I get teary-eyed when the host asks me a question about something that I never thought of even saying to my family?

Are people that desperate for money that they are willing to throw away their dignity and risk the most important relationships they have in their lives?

My Eye!

After playing for a week as Isabella of the Spanish in Civilization 4: Warlords from midnight until the faint blue color of the skies crept up my window, my right eye started to complain. It became sore most of the time, with me paying little or no attention to it. After a few days, the soreness went away, only to be replaced by an even more irritating counterpart, a stye. I woke up with my right eye jammed with a sticky and terribly grotesque paste. I will save the details (especially the color) because it will be enough for someone to hurl their week's worth of food or start a period of extreme loss of appetite of epic proportions.

I immediately told my sister who is a nurse about my awful right eyelid. At first, I thought it was a pimple since a dot of pus emerged from my eyelid, but upon further reasoning, my sister and I concluded that the horrible abomination that lived in my eyelid is nothing more but a kuliti. We figured that if it was a pimple, why was it in the eyelid, and not on the surface of it? She told me that these horrible things were caused by bacteria, hence the pus. As the day progressed, the dot of pus grew larger and larger. Every time I gingerly checked my eye, the small dot of discoloration grew more and more. It was like a small, yellow green balloon being inflated to its extremes.


And then, it happened.


Well, the discomfort of something always poking my eye is less now as compared to before. I guess I should start getting some sleep. Hell week has taken a chunk out of my resistance, and what I'm doing now isn't helping either.

Determination

I will try to break my bad habit of never finishing anything this break. I want to do a lot of things, but I might end up not finishing what I started in the end. I know that I have a lot of half-read books, unfinished artworks, and a lot of plans left hanging. I just don't know why my interest on things steeply reclines when I start doing them. The excitement I feel every time I plan to do something suddenly vanishes after a few days of doing whatever that thing is.

I guess I'm just a kind of person who can't handle things in the long run. If I do need to do something that would occupy my time for a while, I would make milestones in order for me to keep track and stay working on whatever that is. And I guess I'm someone who easily gets distracted since I have a lot of interests. I always want to try something new, but the thing is, I never get to finish what I started.

Or maybe because I don't want to improve? Or I don't want to succeed in my field? I dislike success, in some pathetic way or another. I keep on telling myself that I always want to stay low, hidden from the scrupulous stares and echoing murmurs of people in the big, bad world.

Weird. Just weird.

Sometimes, I just can't understand myself. Maybe I should be determined to fully know who I am?

Finally

Grabe. Sa wakas, sem break na ako. Hindi ko maipaliwanag kung bakit miski sem break na ako ngayon, hindi pa rin ako masaya. Dala siguro ito ng linggu-linggong pagpupuyat sa kakaaral para sa Ph101 Orals at kakagawa ng game script para sa game namin sa CS179.15A. Hindi rin masaya ma-pressure sa paggawa ng Final Systems Analysis and Design para sa aming information system project para sa CS123. Napaka-informative kasi ng specifications ni Ma'am Lovenia eh. Biruin mo, one or two liners lang yung instruction sa bawat part? I know, it's so ironic. Tinawag-tawag pa siyang specifications; siguro dahil magandang pakinggan. Well, lahat naman ata ng bagay sa mundo, ironic.

Mixed feelings ako ngayon. Natutuwa ako dahil wala nang pasok. Hindi ko na kailangan mag-struggle sa pakikinig kay Fr. Arcilla. Hindi ko na kailangan mag-aral for caches or for pipelined register paths para sa CS152 kasi baka may quiz next meeting. Wala na rin akong aalalahaning deliverable para sa CS123. Hindi ko na kailangang mag-alala na dapat maganda ang aming deliv dahil notorious si Ma'am Sandra for giving low grades. Pero, nalulungkot din ako kasi maaagnas na naman ako sa bahay sa loob ng isang buwan. Dahil wala na rin akong pasok, wala na akong baon. Matitigil na rin for the meantime ang aking pagpunta sa Timezone at pakikipagtsizmisan ko kay Ate Myles. Kung kailan naman nagkaroon ako ng interest sa paglalaro ng Tekken 6, saka naman mawawalan ako ng pera at hindi mapapadpad sa lugar na may Tekken 6.

Hindi rin kasi ako makapag-decide kung ano ba ang gagawin ko over the sembreak. Gusto kong mag-aral ng Flash Scripting and Animation. Gusto ko ring ipagpatuloy ang aking pagguhit dahil isang taon na yata noong ako'y huling humawak ng lapis at pambura at seryosong gumuhit, yung tipong pinagpuyatan at nilipasan ng gutom dahil hindi makuha ng tama ang itsura ng kamay. Pinag-iispan ko rin mag-apply sa mentorship program ng BlueBlade, dahil I feel worthless as a CS Major dahil kinakalawang na talaga ang aking programming skills. Gusto ko na ring matuto magmaneho past primera at magluto ng isang putahe maliban sa nilaga. Ang dami kong gustong gawin, pero hindi ko alam kung ano ang uunahin ko. I might end up doing nothing at all again.

Ang hirap ng sem na lumipas. Nahirapan talaga ako dahil puro mahihirap ang napili kong mga prof. Wala rin kasi akong nagawa dahil ang taas ng random number ko last sem. Well, at least naman, this coming sem, 15 na ang aking random number.

Sana naman, wala na akong professor na katulad ni Fr. Arcilla na napaka-closed-minded. Kung hindi ka magaling manghula kung ano ang kanyang iniisip, mababa ang makukuha mong mga grado. Kung hindi mo maintindihan ang kanyang librong puno ng sentences half a page long, magdurusa ka talaga. Wala naman na siguro akong prof na aalis papuntang Mexico ngayong dalawang linggo na lang, finals na. Ikukuwento ko lang na maraming naging athiest dahil hindi sinagot ng Diyos ang mga panalangin nilang "God, huwag na po siya sanang bumalik."

Si Sir Mariano naman kasi, siya pa rin ang aking prof para sa Ph102. Medyo mababa magbigay ng grado, pero maayos naman siyang magturo. At magiging prof ko pa rin naman ata si Sir Diy next sem. Well, sa tingin ko naman, prof ko ulit si Sir Jal next sem kasi CS179.15B na eh.

No comment na lang ako sa ibang professor na kailangan mag-ahit. Baka kailangan nila ng user manual sa kung papaano gumamit ng Gilette, o 'di naman kaya'y Shick?

Hay, pasensya ka na blog. Hindi kita nabigyan ng kaukulang atensyon sa nakalipas na Setyembre. 'Di bale, sisimulan ko na ulit magsulat sa iyo regularly.

Pero ngayon, magbabasa muna ako ng FAQ tungkol sa Civilization IV.

Being Human: Choice

Humans are humans because of their intrinsic capability to form history. Historicity, as defined by philosophy, is man's capability to make history because of his and her capacity to choose freely. Because of historicity, man is able to create a world fitting for man, and the very world they create makes them man; separate from world of basic biological existence. Civilization envelops man in a reality of culture, improvement, and most of all, meanings.

Man is different from any other living organism that exists in the world because only he and only her has the opportunity to face crossroads. They are always placed in a position where they need to make a humble or mighty decision. Because of this, man is able to quietly arrange his new future in his bidding, intentional or not. Man lives in time; man lives in the present as the result of the interwoven events of the past and the future. Ironically, man is the result of the crosspoint of two non-existent objects: the nothingness of the expired past, and the nothingness of the still immaterial future. Man resides in a tiny fraction of a second, struggling to stay in the present and not trip down and get swallowed by the past; and pacing himself according to the wills of time, not running ahead of what is supposed to be happening. Man lives now, and in this now, man chooses his path. The past cannot be touched, but this doesn't mean that the present is untouchable as well -- a result of a predetermined path even before he is born. Man is greatly limited in his temporailty, but in his limitations, he sees his true potential, and develops it, making man more man and man live in a more meaningful environment.

It is never true that man is powerless to change his course in destiny. In man's simple actions, such as smiling to a friend, looking at a stranger, or helping an elderly cross the street, he may be writing a future of a parter in life, a newfound friend, and even maybe a simple, sincere, and warm expression of gratitude. Man can change everything if he desires to, and because of historicity, man is always aware of his limitations and his possibilities.




We never have time for anything. We make time for everything.

Sorry September

Rolf lives to write. Each and every day, he never fails to satiate his drive to write about life, love, and people. He vividly expresses his thoughts with colorful words fresh with the hues of happiness and greatness. His sentences bring music to the seemingly monotonous clicking of the keys of his old keyboard. His words containing the imagery of his boundless imagination and deep reflections about the passing day immortalizes each and every memory into an invisible book free from the boundaries of time. He will just look at his dried daisy framed on the wall, and all manners of eloquence and ideas pours forth from his mind into his hands.

That daisy was given to him by someone special. It was given by a person whom he loved deeply, and whose memories he cherished for forever. The daisy is a reminder of how stagnant time felt the very first time their eyes met. With the minuscule increment of time, he felt each and every surreal feeling inside his deeply wounded heart.

But one uneventful day under a beautiful cerulean sky, the daisy of September died. Somehow, and for some reason, it fell to the concrete floor. The glass that enclosed it from the living air shattered into three pieces: the shard of the past, the piece of the present, and the glimpse of the future. The unique redness of the daisy turned into a lifeless and depressing shade of brown. Its beauty turned into a mourned sorrow as time took its recourse on the flower made eternal by his love.

All Rolf could do was cry. Time moved on, but whether Rolf was left behind or not remained unknown.

---

Blog, sorry. Sadyang abala lang talaga ako at ang dami kong pinagdadaanan ngayon. Gusto ko nang sumuko, ngunit hindi ko rin alam kung bakit hindi ko kayang sumuko. Nalulungkot akong sabihin sa iyo na sa mga panahong ito, hindi ka makakatulong sa akin. Kailangan ko ng isang taong talagang makaiintindi ng aking kinalalagyan, ngunit iyan na rin ang problema: wala akong malapitan. Blog, sana kahit sa isang Sabado lang, maging tao ka at tulungan ako. Kailangan ko ngayon ng mayayakap.

Sleep

To whom it may concern,
Or for those who have concern:

Here is the short list of my week, with requirements:

Tuesday, September 9, 2008
- CS179.15A Detailed Concept Paper
Progress? Almost done.

- Software Installation at St. Therese's College
Confirmation? I can't join Ma'am Didith and Sir Saichi since I have a report to do.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008
- CS123 Oracle Financials Report
Progess? Haven't started yet.

- Data Gathering at St. Therese's College
Confirmation? Most probably I cannot join Ma'am Didith and Sir Saichi again since I have a long test the following day.

Thursday, September 11, 2008
- CS152 Second Long Test
Progress? Haven't studied caches and assembly.

- Gathered Data Compilation
Confirmation? Not sure yet, I have a long test in the morning.

Saturday & Sunday, September 13-14, 2008
- Ateneo College Entrance Test Proctor
Call time? 5:45am. Yes, in the morning.


I am perpetually drained of sleep. Every passing week is tougher than the previous one.


Basically, I can't write of anything since I feel tired. My brain feels drained, and my emotions are starting to get tired as well.

I find myself stupid. Even if my body is at the brink of collapsing, my will still finds a hidden ounce of strength to walk a distance and go to Timezone in Gateway.


*sigh


I miss substantial blogging. It's just that everything seems to be draining away, into the nether abyss. The solace I find in the places I love going to is slowly starting to morph into a depressing state of solitude.

I hope as I sleep, I dream of myself free from work, basking in the cool air and loud noise of someplace chaotic. There, our eyes would meet, hopefully building a bridge for friendship to cross the turbulent waters between two strangers.

Till next time, and I hope there is a next time. Something tells me time is running inadequate.

Pressure ~ Feelings

It is one of those blog posts wherein I feel pressured to write something because I feel that I am starting to neglect my blog again. It's not that. I've been really busy during the past few days. Rage almost consumed me when Fr. Arcilla moved our long test from the following week to the following Thursday. My plans for the week was instantly destroyed as I silently sat on my armchair, restraining my fury and nursing my malevolent intentions. My plan was to study during the weekend and take a little time off during the rest of the days. But, Fr. Arcilla's "unplanned" trip to Mexico made me push my mind and body to its extreme limits. I felt I was at the verge of a mental implosion coupled with an instantaneous shutdown of my bodily functions. For two or three nights in a row, I found myself sleeping even past the witching hours. I woke up to cloudy mornings with an unfamiliar emptiness and lightness in my head.

Oh well. I can say bye-bye to that long test. Apparently, I was so worked up that I messed up the facts that were essential in answering the question. I coined the ship "Bertha" as "Brusa", and I may bewilder historians as I said that there was an embassy in New York during the times of the La Gloriosa and the Cavite Mutiny.

Anyway, I was appointed as the project head of GA3 this year. I'm a little worried that I can't do it, but I'm also excited about it even right now. I also joined a committee on Loopback, an event with the alumni of CompSAt.

Some things are just happening, and I cannot do anything about it. Happy things are happening, but I cannot fully embrace its warm feeling since I am in the midst of the embrace of sadness. Two of my greatest blockmates will be leaving for France in three days. I don't know how my best friend feels about what he's going through, but that's okay I guess. We made an agreement that we won't pressure each other to tell about our own problems. The feelings I have for a friend of mine are still inside my heart, although these feelings aren't as painful as before.

Life.

The ACET will be held next Saturday and Sunday. I'm looking forward to it since I will be proctoring for the two whole days of it, and I will be earning my very first salary. Somehow and in some way, all these responsibilities that I have taken up or have been imposed on me makes me feel all grown-up. Well, I'm already 20, but I still find myself isip-bata.

---

I'll miss you two.
Don't stay sad too long.
Thanks for recognizing me when I passed by. You made my day.