In Three Days

In three days, a new year will begin.

Right now, I have a mind-splitting headache. I rarely have these things (literally) bothering my mind.

I went to buy some ingredients for my (failed) brownies. I stared at the clouds as the sun scorched my eyes. Up in the heavens I saw a great cat, and after a few moments, it became an enormous white dog, as pure as the fresh blanket of snow that covered the sleeping part of my brain.

A shudder coursed through my body. I chilled to an invisible jet of ice-cold air. My lungs started to cringe as it was slowly being killed by the air that stung my skin. It was as if my ribs would implode as my severely weakened muscles couldn't bear the pressure my body was succumbing to.

It was then I realized that I do not need someone or something to feel the security I'm desperately longing for.





I need to find myself first.







Now what?

In Four Days

In four days, a new year will begin.

I'm not looking forward to a new year. How is the new year any different from this year?

A friend of mine told me, "It's the choices that make us who we are, and we can always choose to do what's right."

Does he mean that I've been all wrong all along?

January made things turn to worse. He gave me something to look forward to, but I end up losing what was most important to me.

February gave me the kind of dangerous solitude I hate the most. Weird though as I am almost always attracted to the blind and empty freedom it promises.

March made me lose something, and that something will remain scratched in my memories forever.

June made me realize that I have been living for twenty years, but no one seemed to care but me.

July made me happy, but in the end, crushed my poor soul. I thought it was the beginning of a new life, however, it was the beginning of an end.

August and September crept up silently like the night sky. They barred any happiness and left me devoid of emotions.

October gave me a smile, only to painfully take it back as he left.

November told me that I am ready, only to be crushed again.

December embraces me in such a cold sorrow that I remain closed in the year that is to come.


Tomorrow brings new beginnings, but in reality, tomorrow is always a day away. No wonder it only gives people a fake sense of hope.

Kung Wala Kayo...?

Paano kaya kung:

Walang mga basurero na nangongolekta ng mga basura nating nandidiri tayong hawakan? Ano kayang mangyayari sa atin? Kasi paminsan, pati sa kanila, nandidiri na tayo. Samantalang napakaimportante ng trabaho nila para sa ating sari-sariling buhay.

Walang mga cashier at bagger sa mga supermarket? Kaya kaya nating magcancel ng isang item na naswipe natin ng dalawang beses? Magagawa kaya nating mailagay sa plastic bag ang mga pinamili natin ng maayos at hindi tatapon? Kasi naman, kaunting pagkakamali lang nila, katakut-takot na pagtataray na ang inaabot nila. Taimtim naman nilang tinatanggap ang pagpuputakti ng mga masasakit na salita.

Walang mga janitor sa school? Masisikmura kaya nating linisin ang kubentang nanlilimahid sa ihi at kung ano pa man? Magagawa kaya nating pumasok sa isang banyong nakakahilo na ang baho? Kasi naman, kadalasan, iniirapan lang natin sila.

Walang driver ng mga jeep at bus, at mga kunduktor? Paano kaya tayo papasok sa pamantasan o kaya sa trabaho? Kakayanin kaya nating maglakad? Hindi naman kasi lahat sila, mga barumbado't bastos, pero kadalasan, lahat sila'y natatrato bilang mga bastardong wala nang alam gawin kung hindi magtaas ng singil ng pamasahe at magreklamo tuwing bababa ang minimum o may magbabayad ng student.

Wala na ang mga kasambahay natin sa bahay? Kaya kaya nating maglaba, maglinis, mamalantsa, magluto, at gumising nang maaga? Wala, kadalasan sila'y nababale-wala lang dahil sila'y "katulong" lang naman. Sino ba sila sa buhay natin?

Nakasalamuha ko na sila. Nakinig sa kuwento nila sa buhay. Pinakinggan ko kung gaano na sila nahihirapan sa buhay, pero kahit gipit, nagagawa pa rin nilang tumawa at maging masaya.

At yun ang mahalaga.


Kina Ate Lulay at Ate Rosie, ang aming labandera at plantsadora. Ang galing at ang bilis nilang maglaba at mamalantsa.

Sa mga Kuya ng Halrey, ang nangongolekta ng basura sa aming subdivision. Hindi niyo lang alam, hindi lang basta-basta ang inyong trabaho.

Kay Kuya Ronnie, ang aming jeep driver noong may Tulong Dunong pa kami sa High School. Ang bait ni Kuya Ronnie tuwing maaabutan ko siya sa biyahe.

Kina Ate Aileen, Ate Brenda, Ate Emer, Kuya Tonton, at Kuya Tyrone, ang mga dakilang cashier, bagger, at merchandiser sa Robinsons Supermarket Marikina kung saan ako'y nagtrabaho nang tatlong Sabado. Ang babait nila at hindi nila ako pinabayaang mabagot habang kasama ko sila. Salamat sa mga pabaon niyong kuwento, at sana'y masayang-masaya kayo ngayong pasko dahil iyon lang ang nararapat para sa inyo.

Kina Ate Mhel, Ate Sarah, Ate Myles, Kuya Macky, Kuya Wil, Kuya Son, Kuya Loyd, Kuya Rey, Kuya Abel, Kuya Joel, at Kuya Jhun, mga staff at mga supervisor sa Timezone sa Gateway. Salamat sa inyong lahat kasi pinananatili niyong Timezone ang Timezone sa Gateway, ang aking takbuhan para makatakas ng sandali sa buhay. Kayang kaya nila ang magkasunod na shift at maging masiyahin pa rin kapag nakakausap ko sila.


Maligayang pasko sa inyong lahat.

Christmas "Break"

Hay nako. Pati ba naman ang real-life rants ko tungkol sa Christmas "Break", aabot pa dito sa aking blog? Wala lang kasi. Feeling ko yung last three schooldays of the year, nagrereklamo na ako tungkol sa break-ness ng "break" na ito. I mean, nakakainis kasi eh. Sana talaga hindi na lang nila tinawag na Christmas "Break" yung Christmas Break kasi wala namang break about this break eh. Laging may pinapagawa yung mga prof na something big, something long, and something hard over the "break". Napakalousy ng feeling ng break na ganito ano, besides the fact na wala akong baon dahil walang pasok meaning hindi ako makakagala somewhere like Timezone. Natutunan ko na kasi yung proper staple juggle ni Zafina kasi tinuro sa akin ni RB kung paano ba yung tama. Mali kasi yung ginagawa ko. At gusto ko rin kasi iimprove yung akin blocking skills, kasi hanggang ngayon, bobo pa rin akong magblock sa ibaba. Natatalo ako kay Bryan kasi yung simula ng combo niya ay yung sweeping kick thing sa ibaba.

Naiinis lang talaga ako sa fact na break na break na namin, tapos inaasahan kaming gawin na yung first stage ng aming programming project. Kailangan naming gumawa ng Sales and Inventory Management System para sa isang imaginary supermarket. Hay nako. At least naman Java na yung gagamitin namin, at hindi na some other language besides English, Filipino, Nihongo, or Sign. Nakakainis, pero at least nabawasan kahit papaano.

Yung only consolation na lang namin siguro ay maraming prof na MWF ang classes ay tinamad nang magclass nung Friday.

Oh well. I guess I should be happy with what I have and what I'm getting, and not drown myself in tears or burn in anger for the things I'm missing.

Shitty Feeling

I just can't comprehend my own self sometimes. No. I can't understand myself most of the time. The year will come to a close in less than two weeks, and I'm stuck here in yet another self-made void filled with nothing but shit. I don't know why this always happens when I find myself happy with the current state of things in my life. Maybe it's one of these sadistic mechanisms that live in my system that prepares me for something dark which is about to happen in the near future. Maybe I enter a state of emotional seesaws and unbalance to pad my fall into a disgusting brown splat rather than the loud cracking thuds I usually endure. I can blissfully tell myself that I am very much content with what is happening and with what I have now, but a rather malevolent part of my being constantly jets shit out of thin air to rot the precious happiness I am currently enjoying. It seems as if I myself is the one destroying my own happiness. Maybe being sad is really better than being happy since when one is sad, there is no other way but to be happy. When one is happy, there is no other way but to be sad. Isn't it more relieving to know that some day in the future, one will be happy, rather than one worrying about the future because of the anxiety of falling into depression eating up everything?

I just don't know.

I just feel shitty today. I feel possessed by something very, very violent. I want to fuck the world and everything free in it. I want to free all the oppressed farts inside the very reluctant rectums of stupid people who take pride in the size of their ego in contrast to that of their penis.

I just want to feel a secure sense of happiness.

Dream on, shitty ass. Dream on, sonuvabitch. That's what you always say, so that's the only thing you'll never, ever get.


I just finished a whole bowl of that shitty instant Chinese noodles worth P53.00 in 7-Eleven. It came with a century egg which tasted like a hundred-year-old rotten sock. I wanted to eat something warm because the air is so cold, so saturated with the nostalgic feeling of presents, and there is no one beside me to throw warm shit all over my entire being.

Shit this shitty feeling. I hate it. I hate it all.

Buntis na ata si Bianca

Mukhang naging matagumpay sa paghahanap ang mga sperm ni Mico sa egg ni Bianca. Nagsabi kasi ng ilang telltale signs yung spotter, si Mike, kung papaano malalamang nabuntis nga talaga si Bianca. Kung hindi niyo pa alam, si Bianca ang aming kyut na kyut na Chowchow.

Bianca shows the following symptoms:

1. Wala siyang ganang kumain. Kung dati, daig pa niya ang isang hayok na hayok sa gutom na pride leader lion king, eh ngayon, daig pa siya ng isang ipis kung kumain. Daig pa nga ata siya ng isang goldfish kung makasubo ng food. Medyo nag-aalala na nga kami kasi baka mamaya, detrimental na ang hunger strike na ito ni Bianca. Masarap na nga yung ulam, pero ayaw pa rin niya. Gusto ko na nga siyang painumin ng Anmum eh para rich in folic acid for the developing babies inside her puerta.
2. Lagi siyang nakahilata. Well, miski naman dati pa, lagi na siyang nakahilata, pero ngayon, sobra sobra na ang kanyang state of pagkahilata. As in walang galawan for three hours or more. Kung hindi mo nga alam na aso yang si Bianca, magpagkakamalan mo siyang isang mamahaling fur carpet mula sa Persia o kaya isang kyut na kyut na teddy bear.. uh dog. Para siyang trapong pakalat-kalat lang kung saan, at hindi gagalaw hangga't hindi ito pupulutin ng kung sino man (pero siyempre hindi namin pinupulot si Bianca, duh naman).
3. Tahimik siya. Kung dati, maririnig mong galit na galit siya kapag nakikita niya yung pusang nagha-hang out sa pader namin, ngayon, kebs lang siya. Deadma ang Bianca sa pusang bumebelat sa kanya. Ano yan, maternal instincts? Baka raw kasi magising ang babies niya?
4. Nagkakaroon na ng mass ang kanyang boobs. Parang nadedevelop na ang kanyang mga mammary glands. Nakakapa na namin na parang nagkakaroon na ng mass ang kanyang mga suso kasi dati, wala talaga. Utong lang kung utong. Ngayon, utong plus some mass. Gusto ko na nga siyang bilhan ng bra kasi hindi na siya isang flat-chested doggie.

Ayun. Ipapacheck-up na lang namin si Bianca kay Doc Myra within this week. Kung buntis na nga talaga si Bianca and everything goes well, manganganak siya sometime in January. Sana naman healthy at maraming marami ang kanyang mga puppies.

Wala Akong Ma-post

Grabe. Punung-puno na nag ideas ang utak ko ngayon, pero hindi ko mailabas ng tama. Lagi na lang kasi akong feeling pagod pagdating ko ng bahay. Hindi ko ma-channel ang aking energies into something productive. Well, baka naman talagang ubos na ang energies ko for the day kaya wala na akong ma-channel na kahit na ano kahit gustuhin ko. Ang dami talagang ideas na nasa utak ko. Ang daming kong pwedeng ma-blog ukol sa last insertion ko sa Robinsons Marikina. Ang dami kong naging bagong kaibigan doon. Ang dami kong napakinggan na iba't ibang mga storya sa iba't ibang mga tao. Ang iba, bukas na bukas at parang gripo kung magkwento. Ang iba naman, tila kailangan pang pihitin ng unti-unti para lang dumaloy ang usapan. Ang dami na ring nangyari sa akin sa loob nang isang linggo, kung alam niyo yung ibig kong sabihin. Napatunayan ko sa aking sarili na kaya kong gawin ang mga bagay na inakala kong hindi ko talaga kayang gawin. Kaya nga it's so amazing talaga. Pasensya na, hindi ko lang talaga ma-organize yung mga thoughts ko ng maayos. Masyado kasing sabug-sabog at makalat. Ang dami kong gustong gawin, ang dami kong iniisip, at ang dami kong pinagdadaanan ngayon. Lagi naman ganoon, e. Lagi na lang akong umuuwi sa bahay na ramdam na ramdam ang pagod dahil sa nakakasabaw na araw sa school. Yung tipong kung pwede lang kabitan ng USB cable ang utak ko para pwede akong mag-blog habang nagpapahinga yung katawan ko. Oo nga ano! Umimbento kaya ako ng ganoon? Siguro yayaman ako, mas mayaman pa kay Bill Gates. Tapos kung mas mayaman na ako sa kanya, ipapa-assassinate ko siya tapos babayaran ng limpak-limpak na salapi kung sino man ang mag-aakusa sa akin sa murder ni Bill Gates. Hay nako grabe ang sabaw ng utak ko ngayon. Mas soupy pa sa Soupysnax.

Pero kahit gaano kapagod ang katawan ko,
Kahit gaano kasabaw ang utak ko,

Kahit papaano, masasabi kong masaya ako sa mga nangyayari sa buhay ko ngayon.


Sinong nagsabing malamig ang December? Lagnatin ka lang, siguradong iinit ang iyong malalamig na gabi. Odiba, ang practical?

10th Mix to V3

After almost four years, the Drum machine in Timezone Gateway was finally upgraded into the more recent version. I have been playing on the 10th Mix since I started playing Drummania, and when I tried out the newly upgraded machine this afternoon, I was all but in a state of mild shock and disbelief.

It started yesterday, when the Kuya (whose name I still do not know) whom I lent my sticks to when he played on the drums told me that the 10th mix machine was to be replaced by something newer. He described how hit looked like, and his description mislead me into thinking that the machine was to be replaced by something like the drums of Guitar Hero or Rock Band. As I played the final song, questions started to fill my head. I kept asking myself if it was alright for the machine which I grew so used to to leave. I was eaten by my worries that in the near future, Timezone will not hold the songs which I grew to like and sing almost each and every passing day. As I constantly pedalled the bass, I tried to remember the very first song I played in that same machine. After the final staircase roll and hitting the final strikes on the ride cymbal, I asked myself if I am ready for a change. With questions boggling my head, I bid Kuya goodbye as I thanked him for the game he replaced for me. You see, the old machine hanged in the third stage, so I got to play six songs instead of just the usual four.

This afternoon, after going to the Timezone on the Fastfood level, I went up the escalator to the Timezone on that floor. Everything seemed normal. Everything felt the usual. As I approached the machine I used to love and play my emotions out, I immediately noticed something very, very different. The pink signboard installed on top of the machine now glistened with a strong shade of steel blue. The carnival-like face of the text was replaced by a strong font resembling the future. The machine looked particularly the same: the hihat, snare, low and high toms, the ride cymbal, and the bass pedal were still there. The monitor was still the big 29" screen. The smelly sticks and the high seat still remained. But the essence of the machine changed into something more update, more powerful, and more radical.

Drummania 10th Mix became Drummania V3.

I was really, really surprised. The sudden change caught me off-guard. Kuya then approached and told me that they spent the whole night upgrading the machine. Even if he had already told me that the machine was to be upgraded, I was not expecting it as soon as the following day.

The four-song swipe is now only three songs.

The interface looks so different that what I was used to. The different shades of blue is so remote from the various tinges of pink I grew accustomed to. A lot of songs has been added, and to tell the truth, I only know two of the over thirty new songs.


I played twice. I hesitated at first, but after the first song, I played entirely in manual mode. I was surprised that I didn't fail. Well I almost did. Just almost, but somehow, I pulled it through.

I started to believe in myself.




I am reluctant to change, but with this shallow incident along with the many things that are happening to me, I am slowly seeing why change is the only permanent thing in the world.

Kaligayahan

Oo. Lahat naman tayo gusto itong makamit. Lahat tayo, gusto maging masaya. Pero iba-iba ang gusto nating mangyari sa ating mga buhay para masabi nating tayo ay "masaya".

Maraming iba't ibang klaseng kaligahayan sa mundo. Malalim, mababaw, seryoso, palabiro, sa iyo, sa akin, at pwede ring sa ating lahat.

At kung kaya lang natin sanang makita ang mga dapat nating makita at maramdaman ang mga dapat nating maramdaman, lahat tayo ay magiging masaya. Nananatili ang problema dahil masyadong ambisyoso ang tao. Masyadong makasarili. Masyado niyang binubulag ang kanyang sarili sa mga pansariling pangako na sa katotohanan, mga delusyong tiyak na papatirin siya upang madapa sa matigas at malamig na sahig ng pagkabigo. Lahat ng bagay na gusto niya, gusto na niyang makuha agad. Hindi niya kayang intindihin kung bakit lagi na lang siyang bigo sa kanyang walang katapusang paghabol sa kaligayahang kayang balutin ang kanyang buong pagkatao na parang isang malambot na kumot sa isang napakalamig na gabi ng Disyembre. Ang kanyang mismong pagnanasa sa kaligayahan ang siyang sumisira sa kanyang dating matatag at matibay na loob. Dahil sa kanyang desperasyong makita ang liwanag sa gitna ng sukdulang kadiliman, pilit niyang ibinubuka ang kanyang mga mata hanggang sa siya'y lumuha na ng dugo; ang tanging bagay na pinapanatili siyang buhay, humihinga, at umaasa.

Hindi ba niya alam na dapat hindi hinahabol ang mga mumunting paru-paro? Na hindi ito dadapo sa kanya hangga't hindi siya maupo sa payapang kapatagan, ipikit ang mga matang pagod na sa kakaiyak, at pakinggan ang pagtibok ng kanyang puso?

Hindi ba niya alam na sa gitna ng absolutong dilim, makikita niya ang isang sinag ng liwanag ng walang kahirap-hirap? Na hindi na niya kinakailangang lumuha ng dugo para lamang mabasag ang kalungkutang bumabalot sa kanyang kadiliman?

Pilit niyang inaabot ang tagpuan ng langit at lupa, kung saan lumulubog ang araw. Hindi ba niya alam na kailanman, hindi niya ito maabot?

Pilit niyang hinihintay ang bukas na dumating. Hindi ba niya alam na kailanman, hindi ito darating?

Ayaw niya kasing makita kung nasaan siya. Ayaw niyang intindihin na ang bukas, kailanman, hindi magiging ngayon.


Ang tao nga naman.

Hindi marunong maghintay.

Ngunit hindi natin sila masisisi, dahil nakakapagod ang maghintay. Alam kong alam mo na iyon.




Pagod na ako, ngunit kahit papaano, masaya ako.

Sana ikaw rin.

mspaint

Dahil tinatamad akong magbasa ng Ph102 reading tungkol sa freedom, sinubukan ko na lang iguhit ang aking mukha sa paint. Hindi ko masyadong kamukha, pero ayos na rin naman kasi mukha namang tao.