and Found

I've been worried that I have lost my discipline in terms of academics. For almost two and a half years now, I have always wondered what had happened to me as I entered college. I always questioned myself where all my studiousness in high school went as I took my first semester in the Loyola Schools, and up until now, I still do from time to time.

Before, I valued hard work and perseverance rather than academic excellence. During my high school days, I remember myself studying right away as soon as I got home. I remember how focused I was when I studied for a Trigonometry long test and me always getting scores not lower than 85. During those times, physics was very easy for me, and my classmates always approached me if they did not understand the lesson. I remember the times when I would patiently read a hundred pages worth of readings from Noli me Tangere and El Filibusterismo. I know I worked hard and made it a point to always do my best. I graduated with second honors in high school, the highest in my class of F2006.

But things changed during college. I started to fail subjects. I started to give up easily. I started to curse my weakness.

My world was rattled. I was struggling in numerous subjects, but my classmates weren't. They were getting A's or B's in math, while the highest I ever got was a C+. They easily understood the fundamental concepts in physics, while I was having a hard time retaining them in my head. Everyone was coming up with spectacular and efficient codes and programs, while I coded mine with brute force. It seemed that straining and pushing myself to do my best was not enough. Effort did not compare to achievements.

No.
Effort seemed incomparable to achievements.

I never really tried to determine the cause of my sudden plunge to failure. I guess college is just plain tougher than high school. Or maybe I lost my self-esteem on numerous failures that I faced, and it was my great mistake that I did not use these mistakes as stepping stones to see what was going on. Those failures ruined me bit by bit until it has totally eroded my confidence and belief in myself.

But there are these few times that a little voice echoes within my mind telling me to go home since I have to study a lesson. Maybe the diligence people say I have is still somewhere inside me, and all I need to do is to believe in myself again. Maybe I really did not lose the discipline that I know I have.

And maybe this is the reason why I am still in the Loyola Schools, still putting all my efforts to do my best.

There we go.

But first, please let me wallow in this partial freedom I am enjoying now. Four days worth of major requirements is not easy.

The Daydreamer

NBPC - The Daydreamer

Nature, Background, Big Picture, and Color

You perceive the world with particular attention to nature. You focus on the hidden treasures of life (the background) and how that fits into the larger picture. You are also particularly drawn towards the colors around you. Because of the value you place on nature, you tend to find comfort in more subdued settings and find energy in solitude. You like to ponder ideas and imagine the many possibilities of your life without worrying about the details or specifics. You are in tune with all that is around you and understand your life as part of a larger whole. You are a down-to-earth person who enjoys going with the flow.

The Perception Personality Image Test

The Knight's City Guard

Only 10-13% of the population score this.

The Knight’s City Guard is characterized by the desire to serve others in times of need. Sometimes this drive is so powerful that the standard ‘give-and-take’ is unsatisfying. They are bound very much to social convention and don’t like to include moral or political controversy. The City Guard is often forgotten because they are so reliable. They are loyal and great producers of quality – which end up allowing others to take for granted what the City Guard gives. They are hurt by being treated as a doormat but are unwilling to toot their own horn about accomplishments. This is due to that it feels somewhat wrong to want a reward for doing work which is a virtue in itself.

The City Guard can be overworked and suffer from self inflicted headaches. They are methodical workers with good memories and analytical abilities. They are great in small groups because of their patience. They make pleasant co-workers and better employees. They tend to feel a bit harried by supervisory roles. They form strong loyalties of a personal nature. This is opposed to institutional loyalty. If someone leaves the company that’s close to this type – they may leave as well. They are perfect as teachers, administrators, clerics and fit right in amongst nursing or medical careers.

The Knight’s City guard is concerned with harmony and traditional behavior. They have a few close friends and are extremely loyal. Don’t confront them, they hate that. Also if the Knight’s City Guard is moody – it could be because they haven’t shared something of importance. Most friends of the City Guard feel ashamed later when finding out why the Guard refused to share the source of their trouble. This ‘Pawn’ is wonderful because they are the diplomat of emotions and needs. They are society’s most constructive and protective member.

Which Chess Piece are You?

Lost

I woke up at 9:15 this morning at the boisterous alarm of my phone. It had been probably ringing for over an hour. For a 10:30am class, that awakening from deep slumber was plain spectacular, as I needed to leave the house at least 45 minutes before my first class. And to add to that, it took me forever to complete my morning rituals. But my body filled with a certain sluggish feeling managed to miraculously prepare itself to leave the house at around 9:45am. My body hastily ate a meager breakfast, took a very brief bath, and dressed up in no time. I grabbed my things and bolted outside.

It is a custom of mine to tap my left pocket, then my right as I turn to Mt. Rainier.

I felt my handkerchief deep inside my left pocket. I remember going inside my parents' room to grab a hanky after I applied foot powder to of course, my feet.

I brushed my palm over my right pocket. Something felt missing.

The familiar bump on my right pocket was absent. The hard, rectangular shaped feeling was not present when I placed my palm on my pocket.

My phone was not there.

I hurried back as I winced at the glares of the workers I passed. I opened our gate, and headed straight to my room. As it turned out, my phone was covered by my blanket. I was too much in a hurry that I failed to properly fix my bed.

As I rushed to the main street of our subdivision, something kept popping in my mind. In the past, my phone was always ringing with text messages. I always kept it loud enough for me to hear if a message arrived. In school, I would secretly take my phone out of my pocket and hide it from my teacher's eyes and read whatever message had just arrived. My battery was always drained empty or was always low because of the constant ringing or vibration, activation of the screen, and sending of text messages. My thumbs, most of the time, were always pressing the keys of my phone in absolute speed and precision.

As I waited for a tricycle to take me outside, I constantly looked at my 43-minute advanced phone to take note of the time. I would open it slightly, just enough for the LCD on the top side of it to illuminate and display the time in big, bold, black numbers.

10:26

10:27

10:28

Minutes were ticking by. No tricycle appeared to give me a ride.

10:34

10:35

10:36

After an agonizing 10 minutes, I was able to get a tricycle.

It was almost 10:00am. I had almost less than 30 minutes to spare.

I sat behind manong tricycle's back and looked distantly at the scenes flying across my eyes like I always did. As the outside world became blurred with our velocity, I suddenly realized one thing:

I have never left behind my phone before. Never.

I never left it during the times when it was always humming silently in my right pocket, as it waited for me to see its pleasant surprise. It was always with me during the times when it was always loaded. It was always with me during the times I needed to plug my phone to charge it every other day, not like now that even after two days, it still has two out of the three bars lit.

10:37

10:38

10:39

10:40

But now, it tells nothing but time.





I don't need time. I'm tired of waiting.

Take Care, Mika

Tutungo na sa San Francisco, California si Mika sa Lunes. Nagparticipate kasi siya sa Junior Term Abroad Program ng Department of Information Systems and Computer Science. At kanina (kagabi to be more correct), despedida niya.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ba talaga dapat ang dapat kong maramdaman. Nag-aalala ako para kay Mika, miski na alam ko na isa siyang matatag na tao. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, siguro nag-aalala lang ako para sa kanya bilang isang kaibigan at isang blockmate.

I just particularly hate goodbyes, miski na panandalian lang ang kanyang pag-alis. Mga apat na buwan siya mananatili sa kanyang JTA school sa San Francisco. Natatakot daw si Mika na baka pagbalik niya galing sa States, hindi na niya raw makilala ang Block N. Baka raw after four or so months na wala siya, mag-iba na nang tuluyan ang Block N o 'di naman kaya'y magkawatak-watak na talaga.

Pero Mika, sa totoo lang, medyo hindi ko na nararamdaman ang "Block N" ngayon pa lamang.

Ingat ka Mika. Hanggang sa muli. Mahal ka namin ng Block N.

Part-time Work?

I was running late this morning. Since I fixed the browser problem of my laptop, for a week now, I've been sleeping at around 2 am solely because I am reading manga.

I cursed my luck. It was as if I was being deliberately slowed down by an outside force. I waited for so long to catch a tricycle exiting the subdivision. I waited even more to find an ordinary bus since I desperately needed its reckless speed to arrive at Central, but I ended up riding an aircon bus since the ordinary buses were overflowing with passengers. When I arrived at UP, at least, I was able to catch a jeep headed for Katipunan immediately.

I hurried to my first class. I just hurried because I was 20 minutes late in CS123 last Monday. Immediately after opening the stupid door which was hard to open, I focused my eyes in the front to see what was happening. To my surprise, Ma'am Lovenia wasn't there. Ate Mel was the one in there, conducting the evaluation for Ma'am Lovenia.

Ang aga naman po yata ng evaluation.

Dalawa na kasi yung evaluation ngayon.

I finished the evaluation form as fast as possible, since I had the strong urge to take a leak. I stepped outside, and I saw Ma'am Lovenia posting something on the corkboard of AJWCC.

They were looking for part-timers.

After class, I went over and looked at the blue ad Ma'am Lovenia posted earlier. Ateneo Java Wireless Competency Center was looking for people interested to work for them part-time as Graphic Designers, Mobile Game Testers, Junior Instructors, and other positions related to their field in Mobile Software and Technology. I was interested in applying, however, I didn't know why I felt something heavy in my chest whenever I thought of working part-time in AJWCC.

I asked a friend of mine for advice on what should I do.


Gusto kong mag-work part-time kasi gusto kong maexperience yung mag-work. But the thing is hindi ko alam kung bakit may part ng sarili ko na ayaw.

Basta, kung hindi ka 100% sure about anything, e 'di 'wag mong gawin.

Pero may doubts ako in anything I do...

I'm sure naman na not everything... There must be something na alam mong kayang-kaya mong gawin. Bakit ba ayaw mong gawin?

Yun nga eh. Hindi ko alam. Gusto ko, pero ayaw ko rin. Graaah.

Maybe because it's something different than what you're used to?


I don't know. Maybe that's the reason why. I'm so weak-willed the past few weeks that I'm even afraid to inquire about the job offering. Honestly, I felt really, really incompetent.

Maybe I'm afraid of a change since in the current state of things, I don't have someone to rely on. I'm so weak-willed because I have lost someone who brought a real and definite sense of security in my life.

I feel exposed to the harsh realities of life, but I cannot do anything but to face them. I have to face them. I need to.



I want to sleep. I really want to.

Nakatitig

Ang hina talaga ng loob ko.

Hindi rin naman kasi normal ang kalagayan ko eh. Hindi ito nangyayari sa lahat nga tao. Nangyayari lang ito sa mga taong katulad ko, katulad namin.

---

Lagi akong masaya tuwing Martes, Huwebes, at Biyernes dahil may pagkakataon akong makita kayong dalawa. Off ni ano yata tuwing Martes, at ikaw naman, hindi ko alam. Si ano kasi, lagi kong nakikita sa Timezone. Ikaw, paminsan wala, paminsan naman naroon ka. Pero gusto ko sanang kaibiganin kayong dalawa.

Nagsimula ang lahat noong nakipaglaro si ano sa akin ng House of the Dead. Mula noon, lagi ko nang napapansin si ano tuwing pupunta ako sa Timezone. Dati-rati, isa lamang siyang tao sa likod ng counter, pero simula noong araw na iyon, nag-iba na ang tingin ko sa kanya. Gumaan ang aking loob sa kanya, ngunit hindi ko ito mailabas ng maigi dahil hindi ko alam ang magiging reaksyon niya. Ikinubli ko na lang ang lahat sa aking loob dahil natatakot ako sa kung anong maaaring mangyari.

Ikaw naman, hindi ko alam. Bigla ka na lang sumulpot sa aking paningin noong isang araw habang hinahanap ko si ano. Hindi ko alam kung saan nanggaling ang damdamin ko para sa iyo.

Simula ng mga araw na iyon, iba na ang pakay ko sa aking pagpunta sa Gateway. Hindi lang dahil maglalaro ako, kundi dahil gusto ko rin kayong makita, kahit na sa malayo lang. Tuwing paalis na ako sa Timezone, lagi kong hinahanap ang inyong mga mukha upang kahit papaano, may maibaon ako sa aking pag-uwi.

Ngunit hindi ko alam kung papaano kayo kakausapin labas sa kailangang itawag niyo sa akin. Gusto ko talaga kayo kausapin hindi lang dahil may kailangan ako bilang isang taong tumatangkilik sa Timezone, kundi dahil gusto kong malaman kung ano na ba ang nangyari buhay ninyong dalawa.

Gusto ko lang sanang itanong kung kumusta na kayo.

Pero hindi ko ito magawa. Natatakot kasi ako.

Kaya pilit ko na lang kinukuntento ang aking sarili sa pagtitig sa inyong dalawa sa malayo habang ginagawa niyo ang inyong trabaho. Kung mangyari mang mapapatingin kayo sa akin, agad kong binabali ang aking titig sa inyong mga mata at kakabahan na bahagya dahil nga natatakot ako.

Ngunit hahanap ako ng paraan upang maipon ang aking tapang para man lang makangiti ako sa inyong dalawa tuwing magkakasalubong tayo ng daan at magtitinginan sa mata ng saglit.



Kinamumuhian ko ang aking sarili dahil hinayaan kong mamulat ako sa mga ganitong uri ng damdamin.

Ngunit sadyang ganito yata talaga ang nakatakda para sa akin.

Furigana: 夢幻

Forever Asleep

For a few nights now, I'm having a recurring dream of a man I do not know. It seems as if he visits me in my dreams for tomorrow.

And honestly, I want to remain asleep every time he visits me in my dreams.

---

After a brief moment of sleep, I woke up in the middle of the night. Darkness reigned my room, and my attempts to look at the time was all for nothing. In an unknown desire to deeply want to know the time, I searched my bed with my hands for my phone. As I extended my arm to reach the edge of my bed, I felt something warm and pleasant. I tried to figure out amidst the darkness what it was. I kept touching and feeling it with my left hand. After a few moments, it gently caressed my hand and held it compassionately. I was frightened at first, but that thing that lovingly latched onto my hand had something very comforting in it.

It was a hand of a man, who was apparently sleeping beside me until I woke him up.

Gising ka pa?

Ha? Sino ka naman?

He was a stranger to me. I don't remember inviting a friend of mine to sleep over at my house. I tried to recall whose was the deep voice I had just heard, but I really cannot think of anyone I knew. And to add to that, his voice sent a warm feeling all throughout my body, and I felt as if I was in a gentle embrace of a father.

E di sino pa.

He didn't answer my question. Fearing for the worse, I yanked my hand away from his grip. It was a weird feeling: as soon as I released my hand from his gentle clutch, I immediately felt sad, incomplete, and most of all, insecure. After I realized what I had done, I started shivering uncontrollably. I became frightened as the ambient warmth that flowed inside my body immediately turned into a chilling massacre of razor-sharp swords. It felt as if my breath was slowly being drained by the infinite darkness that surrounded my body. I wanted and tried to sit upright to release me from the heavy pressure my body was succumbing to, but my body seemed to be strongly anchored to my bed. I was frantically moving my whole body to free me from the invisible chasm that was restricting me. I was desperately searching for a pocket of fresh air as the air thinned out and took away all my strength with it. My lungs felt as it they were about to explode any moment, and all I could hear aside from myself trying so hard to breath was my heart beating in an impossible pace. The pain was too much to handle.

I really thought I was about to die.

But the man beside me laced his fingers with mine.

Nandito lang ako.

Miraculously, all the pain went away. His hand was like a beacon of hope in the darkness we were covered in. His hand blanketed me with an unknown sense of happiness, and gave me a warm breath of security. Somehow, and in some way, I felt alive once again.

Sino ka ba talaga?

E di sino pa.

He didn't answer my question once again. But that time, I decided not to let go of his hand. It was as if I had known this man for a very long time. I kept trying to recall who he was, but his hand was bringing me a lot of contentment that I cannot think of anything else but not to let go of his hand.

Pwede ko bang hawakan ang kamay mo ng ganito?

Oo naman.

Soon, we were talking about him. He is twenty-seven, and was working somewhere along Ortigas. He was studying his masters as well. I cannot recall what his profession was, but I do remember him being the breadwinner of his family since his father died when he was a little younger. From his voice and from what I remember from what he told me, I said to myself that he was a kind-hearted man.

It was weird talking to him while I held his hand. It felt weird, but I didn't feel uneasy doing it. His hand made me feel comfortable talking to him and opening up to him.

I felt I could depend on him.

I was soon talking about how I got a 67 for my long test in CS152A, and me acing the midterms in the same subject. I told him how happy I was that I got the chance to redeem myself. I was complaining to him about how irritating my Hi165 professor was. I was telling him all sorts of school things that a kid would tell his dad. He was laughing at the way I was telling him all those sorts of things, and I started to laugh as well.

But after a heartbeat, all things became silent. The sadness that attacked me before was starting its insatiable desire to take the happiness I was feeling with this man. I tightened my grip, but to my deepest horror, our hands were no longer holding each other. I was again thrown into another dreadful wave of sheer terror. My eyes were starting to become teary as I searched his hand in agonizing despair. The numbing silence and the piercing cold was climbing up to my chest. The air became devoid of anything happy. My body was growing weary with all the struggling, and slowly, it was giving up. I could not believe that was happening. My heart was racing infinitely as my skin felt lifelessly bitter and frigid. Time seemed to be slowly stopping, as the seconds waited an eternity to progress. Thoughts flashed in my mind, but one thought made me lose my remaining strength and caused my tears to pour endlessly.

How could something so right turn into something so wrong?

NASAAN KA!! NASAAN KA!! KAILANGAN KITA!!

Then, he embraced me endearingly.

Andito lang ako.

His tight embrace filled my incomplete self. I felt an unending sense of security as he wrapped his muscular arms around me. His heartbeat was a lullaby as he pressed my ear to his defined chest. I felt his stubble facial hair as he gently kissed me on the temple. I was unable to describe the warmth I felt, the warmth that saved me from a kismet of sorrow and mourning.

Huwag ka sanang bumitiw... Ang saya ko ngayon...

But my wishes were left unheard. I slowly opened my eyes to reveal a cloudy and rainy Sunday.

I was there on my bed, alone.



It was all but just a dream
but the experience was reality for me.



Then, I realized that a lone tear has rolled down on my right cheek.




If reality only causes me pain, can you blame me for wishing not to wake up from this dream?

Until we meet again.

A Crimson Tear Appears as Five

Confused.
Sorrowful.
Amused
and joyful?

No.

Everything has a reason
And everything has a rhyme?
Am I hurrying a season
And missing most of my time?

Why do you keep hoping
For something in the sky,
Why do you keep searching
For something forever high?

As life and strength fade
A heart sheds a tear.
Under night's endless shade,
A soul cringes in fear...

A new life
A new strength
Nothing but strife
Life's short cut length

Is torn

And ripped

By merciless events.

Time passes by
Tired people turn eternal
Wanting to die
The sorrow grows abysmal

Even

Into the depths of oblivion
Souls seek rest.
Holding forever redemption
And merciful salvation.
But
No light shines through,
No warmth is kept;
Slowly letting go
Joy now is not felt...

Forever tomorrow,
Never today.
My mind turns narrow,
And emotions at bay;
Everything turns sorrow
I just have to say:

Your presence in my days
Made me realize I'm alive.
But now, my sanity sways;
A crimson tear appears as five.