For a few nights now, I'm having a recurring dream of a man I do not know. It seems as if he visits me in my dreams for tomorrow.
And honestly, I want to remain asleep every time he visits me in my dreams.
---
After a brief moment of sleep, I woke up in the middle of the night. Darkness reigned my room, and my attempts to look at the time was all for nothing. In an unknown desire to deeply want to know the time, I searched my bed with my hands for my phone. As I extended my arm to reach the edge of my bed, I felt something warm and pleasant. I tried to figure out amidst the darkness what it was. I kept touching and feeling it with my left hand. After a few moments, it gently caressed my hand and held it compassionately. I was frightened at first, but that thing that lovingly latched onto my hand had something very comforting in it.
It was a hand of a man, who was apparently sleeping beside me until I woke him up.
Gising ka pa?
Ha? Sino ka naman?
He was a stranger to me. I don't remember inviting a friend of mine to sleep over at my house. I tried to recall whose was the deep voice I had just heard, but I really cannot think of anyone I knew. And to add to that, his voice sent a warm feeling all throughout my body, and I felt as if I was in a gentle embrace of a father.
E di sino pa.
He didn't answer my question. Fearing for the worse, I yanked my hand away from his grip. It was a weird feeling: as soon as I released my hand from his gentle clutch, I immediately felt sad, incomplete, and most of all, insecure. After I realized what I had done, I started shivering uncontrollably. I became frightened as the ambient warmth that flowed inside my body immediately turned into a chilling massacre of razor-sharp swords. It felt as if my breath was slowly being drained by the infinite darkness that surrounded my body. I wanted and tried to sit upright to release me from the heavy pressure my body was succumbing to, but my body seemed to be strongly anchored to my bed. I was frantically moving my whole body to free me from the invisible chasm that was restricting me. I was desperately searching for a pocket of fresh air as the air thinned out and took away all my strength with it. My lungs felt as it they were about to explode any moment, and all I could hear aside from myself trying so hard to breath was my heart beating in an impossible pace. The pain was too much to handle.
I really thought I was about to die.
But the man beside me laced his fingers with mine.
Nandito lang ako.
Miraculously, all the pain went away. His hand was like a beacon of hope in the darkness we were covered in. His hand blanketed me with an unknown sense of happiness, and gave me a warm breath of security. Somehow, and in some way, I felt alive once again.
Sino ka ba talaga?
E di sino pa.
He didn't answer my question once again. But that time, I decided not to let go of his hand. It was as if I had known this man for a very long time. I kept trying to recall who he was, but his hand was bringing me a lot of contentment that I cannot think of anything else but not to let go of his hand.
Pwede ko bang hawakan ang kamay mo ng ganito?
Oo naman.
Soon, we were talking about him. He is twenty-seven, and was working somewhere along Ortigas. He was studying his masters as well. I cannot recall what his profession was, but I do remember him being the breadwinner of his family since his father died when he was a little younger. From his voice and from what I remember from what he told me, I said to myself that he was a kind-hearted man.
It was weird talking to him while I held his hand. It felt weird, but I didn't feel uneasy doing it. His hand made me feel comfortable talking to him and opening up to him.
I felt I could depend on him.
I was soon talking about how I got a 67 for my long test in CS152A, and me acing the midterms in the same subject. I told him how happy I was that I got the chance to redeem myself. I was complaining to him about how irritating my Hi165 professor was. I was telling him all sorts of school things that a kid would tell his dad. He was laughing at the way I was telling him all those sorts of things, and I started to laugh as well.
But after a heartbeat, all things became silent. The sadness that attacked me before was starting its insatiable desire to take the happiness I was feeling with this man. I tightened my grip, but to my deepest horror, our hands were no longer holding each other. I was again thrown into another dreadful wave of sheer terror. My eyes were starting to become teary as I searched his hand in agonizing despair. The numbing silence and the piercing cold was climbing up to my chest. The air became devoid of anything happy. My body was growing weary with all the struggling, and slowly, it was giving up. I could not believe that was happening. My heart was racing infinitely as my skin felt lifelessly bitter and frigid. Time seemed to be slowly stopping, as the seconds waited an eternity to progress. Thoughts flashed in my mind, but one thought made me lose my remaining strength and caused my tears to pour endlessly.
NASAAN KA!! NASAAN KA!! KAILANGAN KITA!!
Then, he embraced me endearingly.
Andito lang ako.
His tight embrace filled my incomplete self. I felt an unending sense of security as he wrapped his muscular arms around me. His heartbeat was a lullaby as he pressed my ear to his defined chest. I felt his stubble facial hair as he gently kissed me on the temple. I was unable to describe the warmth I felt, the warmth that saved me from a kismet of sorrow and mourning.
Huwag ka sanang bumitiw... Ang saya ko ngayon...
But my wishes were left unheard. I slowly opened my eyes to reveal a cloudy and rainy Sunday.
I was there on my bed, alone.
It was all but just a dream
but the experience was reality for me.
Then, I realized that a lone tear has rolled down on my right cheek.
If reality only causes me pain, can you blame me for wishing not to wake up from this dream?
Until we meet again.
And honestly, I want to remain asleep every time he visits me in my dreams.
---
After a brief moment of sleep, I woke up in the middle of the night. Darkness reigned my room, and my attempts to look at the time was all for nothing. In an unknown desire to deeply want to know the time, I searched my bed with my hands for my phone. As I extended my arm to reach the edge of my bed, I felt something warm and pleasant. I tried to figure out amidst the darkness what it was. I kept touching and feeling it with my left hand. After a few moments, it gently caressed my hand and held it compassionately. I was frightened at first, but that thing that lovingly latched onto my hand had something very comforting in it.
It was a hand of a man, who was apparently sleeping beside me until I woke him up.
Gising ka pa?
Ha? Sino ka naman?
He was a stranger to me. I don't remember inviting a friend of mine to sleep over at my house. I tried to recall whose was the deep voice I had just heard, but I really cannot think of anyone I knew. And to add to that, his voice sent a warm feeling all throughout my body, and I felt as if I was in a gentle embrace of a father.
E di sino pa.
He didn't answer my question. Fearing for the worse, I yanked my hand away from his grip. It was a weird feeling: as soon as I released my hand from his gentle clutch, I immediately felt sad, incomplete, and most of all, insecure. After I realized what I had done, I started shivering uncontrollably. I became frightened as the ambient warmth that flowed inside my body immediately turned into a chilling massacre of razor-sharp swords. It felt as if my breath was slowly being drained by the infinite darkness that surrounded my body. I wanted and tried to sit upright to release me from the heavy pressure my body was succumbing to, but my body seemed to be strongly anchored to my bed. I was frantically moving my whole body to free me from the invisible chasm that was restricting me. I was desperately searching for a pocket of fresh air as the air thinned out and took away all my strength with it. My lungs felt as it they were about to explode any moment, and all I could hear aside from myself trying so hard to breath was my heart beating in an impossible pace. The pain was too much to handle.
I really thought I was about to die.
But the man beside me laced his fingers with mine.
Nandito lang ako.
Miraculously, all the pain went away. His hand was like a beacon of hope in the darkness we were covered in. His hand blanketed me with an unknown sense of happiness, and gave me a warm breath of security. Somehow, and in some way, I felt alive once again.
Sino ka ba talaga?
E di sino pa.
He didn't answer my question once again. But that time, I decided not to let go of his hand. It was as if I had known this man for a very long time. I kept trying to recall who he was, but his hand was bringing me a lot of contentment that I cannot think of anything else but not to let go of his hand.
Pwede ko bang hawakan ang kamay mo ng ganito?
Oo naman.
Soon, we were talking about him. He is twenty-seven, and was working somewhere along Ortigas. He was studying his masters as well. I cannot recall what his profession was, but I do remember him being the breadwinner of his family since his father died when he was a little younger. From his voice and from what I remember from what he told me, I said to myself that he was a kind-hearted man.
It was weird talking to him while I held his hand. It felt weird, but I didn't feel uneasy doing it. His hand made me feel comfortable talking to him and opening up to him.
I felt I could depend on him.
I was soon talking about how I got a 67 for my long test in CS152A, and me acing the midterms in the same subject. I told him how happy I was that I got the chance to redeem myself. I was complaining to him about how irritating my Hi165 professor was. I was telling him all sorts of school things that a kid would tell his dad. He was laughing at the way I was telling him all those sorts of things, and I started to laugh as well.
But after a heartbeat, all things became silent. The sadness that attacked me before was starting its insatiable desire to take the happiness I was feeling with this man. I tightened my grip, but to my deepest horror, our hands were no longer holding each other. I was again thrown into another dreadful wave of sheer terror. My eyes were starting to become teary as I searched his hand in agonizing despair. The numbing silence and the piercing cold was climbing up to my chest. The air became devoid of anything happy. My body was growing weary with all the struggling, and slowly, it was giving up. I could not believe that was happening. My heart was racing infinitely as my skin felt lifelessly bitter and frigid. Time seemed to be slowly stopping, as the seconds waited an eternity to progress. Thoughts flashed in my mind, but one thought made me lose my remaining strength and caused my tears to pour endlessly.
How could something so right turn into something so wrong?
NASAAN KA!! NASAAN KA!! KAILANGAN KITA!!
Then, he embraced me endearingly.
Andito lang ako.
His tight embrace filled my incomplete self. I felt an unending sense of security as he wrapped his muscular arms around me. His heartbeat was a lullaby as he pressed my ear to his defined chest. I felt his stubble facial hair as he gently kissed me on the temple. I was unable to describe the warmth I felt, the warmth that saved me from a kismet of sorrow and mourning.
Huwag ka sanang bumitiw... Ang saya ko ngayon...
But my wishes were left unheard. I slowly opened my eyes to reveal a cloudy and rainy Sunday.
I was there on my bed, alone.
It was all but just a dream
but the experience was reality for me.
Then, I realized that a lone tear has rolled down on my right cheek.
If reality only causes me pain, can you blame me for wishing not to wake up from this dream?
Until we meet again.
2 comments:
Buti ka pa. Assaulted ako ng mga takot ko hanggang sa panaginip. :|
Mas mabuti pa nga yan para sa akin.. Gugustuhin mong gumising at harapin ang katotohanan, eh ako, ayaw ko nang gumising..
Nyeh. Ewan ko na. :|
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