Wolf

One Midnight Wolf

Goodbye, Hello

To anyone reading this,

I will be deleting this blog on May 1, 2010. I don't know if I will make a new one, but if I do, I will certainly post the link to my new home here. Puno na rin kasi ng mga ewan ko bang comment ang mga post ko rito.

To my blog,

Thank you for the past four years. You, of all the things, know my innermost dreams and fondest memories. And alam kong alam mo rin na I hate goodbyes because I'm not good at them.

Until we meet again.

L'Chayim

To life,

Rudolf

Nueva Ecija

Kakauwi ko lang. Bukas o sa makalawa na lang siguro ako magpopost.

Pero ang masasabi ko lang, gusto kong bumalik doon. Ang tahimik kasi ng buhay.

Realizations Day 1

Sometimes, you do things even if you don't know why you're doing it. Sometimes you stop and wonder on how you manage to keep on going even if it takes a whole lot from you: time, energy, money, almost everything.

Sometimes you wish you could just exert the same effort unto other things, but no matter how hard you try, you just can't.

Oh well. I guess it isn't meant to be.

Hello World

System.out.println("Hello World!");

Ito ang karaniwang pinakaunang program na matutunan ng isang Java Programmer. Una ko itong natutunan noong ako'y nasa unang taon pa lamang sa Pamantasan ng Ateneo de Manila, at ngayon, habang sinusulat ko ang mga katagang ito, naghihintay ang aming tesis na may pamagat na Audio Based Game for the Visually Impaired on the Xbox 360 Console para sa makabuluhang kilos dahil mula't nagsabog ng basang lagim ang kaibigang si Ondoy, natigil na ang lahat ng kahit na anong pag-iisip tungkol sa mga bulag, isang telebisyon, at isang Xbox 360 at kung ano pang aparatong kailangan matutunang gamitin ng isang bulag.

Mahigit sa isang buwan na lang, pasko na, at sa loob ng dalawa't kalahating buwan, taong dos mil dyis na. Naalala ko pa noong nasa ikaapat na baitang ako na binibilang ko kung ilang taon pa ako kailangang mag-aral. Isa, dalawa, tatlo, apat... labing-isa. Dati, nagmumukmok ako tuwing maiisip ko na napakatagal pa ang kailangan kong gugulin sa pag-aaral, ngunit ngayong sa loob ng apat na buwan ay magtatapos na ako, hindi ko na alam.

Hello World.

Part of the Family

Today, my family and I went to Bulacan since it was my cousin Diane's birthday last Wednesday. We also took the time to visit since it was like forever since we last ate in our Tita Nene's hut kitchen. Iyhan, a good friend of mine, always visits us during weekends and spends his days in our place until early Tuesday mornings, when he needs to go to work. Meaning Iyhan tagged along to our family's trip back to my ancestral home.

I actually felt uneasy with him going with us. I don't know why, but maybe it was because of the sharp, cynical, but secretive eyes my relatives in Bulacan make when faced with strangers.

While eating lunch fit for a princess, Ate introduced Iyhan to Tita Nene.

Si Iyhan, classmate ni Rudolf. Parang pamilya na namin yan!

That made my day.

It's Not That

And I thought this was over. But I told myself never to lie down forever after a fall unless both my legs get paralyzed. There are just some things you simply cannot rid of, however once you take a deep breath and point a serious look at it, the thing just takes another form. It seems that one cannot be erudite enough even to grasp the fundamentals of things concerning of the past, the present, and of the heart.

Maybe it's just a part of me trying to change. Heck, it's almost four months since my life changed, and as each day passes by, my life even moves forward to places I've never been to because I was alone.


Yes, maybe that's it.

In Between

There are some things you really can't understand, no matter how hard you try to. I don't know. Maybe it's just me being afraid and getting worried about something I just imagined. You try to be as neutral as possible, but the truth is, no matter how neutral you think you are, you are still holding onto something you just won't let go.

Friendship is such a fragile thing. But isn't friendship something that will stand the tests of time and the blows of the steel?

I am confused. I am worried that I am confused because I don't know if it is right to be worried.


The complexities of life suck bad. It just rapes face.



Andito lang ako para sa inyong dalawa. I hope both of you know that.

I Noticed That

It's so easy to slip off something you want to start doing again. A lack of discipline; a lack of something to write; or is it just a sad reality of life?

Masaya? (After Theology)

Yeah, medyo sabaw ang utak ko ngayon. Kakabasa ko lang kasi ng Chapter 3 ng theology book namin. "The Peaceful Sea" ang title. Sa loob ng dalawampung pahina ng maliliit na letra, isa lang ang tumatak sa isip ko: to be Christian is to be happy, o parang ganun na nga. Hindi photographic ang aking memorya, kaya patawad.

Ayon sa may akda ng libro na kinaiinisan ko dahil kung hindi niya isinulat ang libro niya, wala kaming babasahin para sa theo at wala kaming quiz bukas ukol dito, kailangan raw ipanganak, magbunyi, maghirap, mamatay, at muling mabuhay para makamit ang tunay na kaligayahan -- yun bang bukal sa pinakaloob ng isang tao at yun bang kaligayahang nag-uumapaw at bumabahagi sa lahat ng nakapaligid. Siyempre, dahil theology ang pinag-uusapan, para makamit ang tunay na kaligayahan, dapat buong tapang nating harapin ang tawag ng kaligayahang ito. Natatakot raw kasi tayo na mahirapan at mamatay dahil masyado na raw tayong kampante sa kung anong mayroon tayo sa ngayon. At siyempre naman, sino nga bang gustong mahirapan at mamatay, hindi ba? (At by the way, yan ang sinasabi ko sa lahat ng mga required readings ko sa Ateneo; apparently hindi ako mahilig magbasa ng mga scholarly articles)

At sabi rin sa akdang iyon, lahat ng tao ay ginawa upang tanggapin ang kaligayahan mula sa itaas. Hindi natin kayang alisin ito bilang mga tao, ngunit may kakayahan tayong talikuran ang tawag na ito at manatiling malungkot at walang pakiramdam sa buhay.


So, is religion the opium of the people?

9999

Wala lang.

Failed Replies

Ngayon ko lang ito nakita. Sorry.


Mula sa
Mga Tanong na Paulit-ulit na Tinatanong ng Isang Mag-aaral


PH-Commute said...

Hi! Totally agree with your post. I'm a Computer Science graduate from DLSU (hehe the enemy) and I also underwent 12 units of religion. To be fair, minsan may natutunan naman ako, pero kahit ngayong nagtratrabaho na ako, hindi ko pa rin mahanapan ng silbi ung marami sa mga inaral ko noong kolehiyo.

Btw, maraming salamat po sa paglink sa site namin (PH-Commute)! We really appreciate your support. :)

Sunday, August 02, 2009

hxero said...

Actually for me nagagamit ko namn ang theology at philisophy kahit engineering course ko... Atenean din ako so napagdaanan ko mga subjects na yan hehehe... cguro dahil sa mga subjects na yan mas naging patient ako at mas naiintindihan ko kapwa ko... iniintindi ko muna mga pinagdadaanan...

Thursday, August 06, 2009

Zweihander said...

Ph-Commute: May natututunan naman ako, pero yun nga, hindi ko lang talaga alam kung saan ko ito pwedeng ma-apply. In my humblest opinion, alam ko na yung mga kailangan malaman sa Theology. You don't need to know what faith is to be faithful, right? You don't need to know what is good to do the good, right? Hindi ko lang alam, pero I think it comes to us naturally.

Of course, I support your site as a commuter. I go to your site whenever I need to go somewhere new. : )

hxero: Recollections are nice, pero they're ripoffs at 7:30 in the morning of a hot, hot Sunday. It's just hard to stay awake while your teacher is blabbering about something you already know, but apparently you don't come test time. : (

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Masaya?

Paminsan, hindi mo na alam kung magagawa mo bang sabihing masaya ka miski na napapalibutan ka ng mga kaibigan mong hindi. Tatanungin ka nila kung kumusta ka, at sasabihin mong masaya ka na. Kadalasan, sasabihin nilang

you deserve it. i'm so happy for you

o kaya nama'y

i'm happy for your happiness.

Pero alam mong hindi sila masaya dahil may mga bagay na bumabagabag sa kanila. Hindi ko alam kung tama bang maging masaya kahit na ang mga kaibigan mo ay hindi. Parang mali kasing isipin na nasa itaas ako't tumitingin pababa sa kanila. Hindi ko alam, baka mamaya'y pinalalaki ko lang itong nararamdaman ko. Simula nang maging kami, bigla kong nakita ang nakakalungkot na sitwasyon ng aking mga kaibigan. Marahil nagkataon lamang na ganito, o kaya nama'y sila'y matagal nang ganito at hindi ko lang ito "nakikita" dahil pareho lang kami ng lenteng tinitingnan sa buhay. Pare-pareho lang kaming malungkot, at masyado kaming makasarili't patuloy na itinutubog ang aming mga sarili sa putikang iyon. Masyado lang sigurong mataas ang pagtingin at paghanga ko sa mga kaibigan ko dahil sa mukha ng matinding kalungkutan, nagagawa pa nilang magpasaya at gumuhit ng mga ngiti sa mga mukha ng ibang tao.

Kung sakit na pwedeng mahawa lang sana ang kasiyahan, para naman sa wakas, ako naman ang makapagsabi nang you deserve it, I'm so happy for you.

One-Sentence Status Seven

What doesn't destroy you makes you tougher.

After a quarrel

I will try once more to revive this part of me
A part whose thoughts laid to rest.
I will try once more to unlock and set us free
A part whose whole's seen the best.

Rains

Up until now, I still can't seem to write nonchalantly as before. I don't know. I guess I'm just too preoccupied with a lot of things. My attention is tossed to and fro with meter-high waves in the stormy seas of my head. I don't know if I'm just overcomplicating things for myself. And if I am, I wish that I'm just complicating things for myself, and not for a whole lot of people.

Things haven't changed, I still think I spread myself too thinly over too many things. But I guess what's keeping me from writing here is the fact that I want to write something substantial; an entry which feelings and emotions will still be recognizable after a year or so.

I write for my own sake. I blog to keep memories alive; like water trickling down ever so slowly to keep a plant alive. Water is the source of all life in this world. Rain is a gift from the heavens for a sunflower that is desperate for water, however



too much water can drown a plant as well.

Tatay, Miss na Kita

Why is it that you'll never know how important a person is to you until they're gone? Even if you know someone is important in your life, you will never really measure, if it is measurable, how valuable a person is to you. Is someone's worth measured by how frequently and how intense your longing is for that person? Is it a sign that a person is most dear to you if you yearn for their presence?

Today is Tatay's 12th death anniversary. He passed away when I was nine years old. He was fondly called Toyo by my family since almost always, he had those unexplainable fits -- toyo. I remember the same spot where I cried when we received the news on his passing. Nanay and I mourned as we gently gave him our flowers as he descended to the earth, to the arms of our loving creator. I remember the cloudy day of August 3, 1997, a day when a light drizzle became a heavy, short shower. It was a day when I saw Nanay cry silently as she looked up the sky and bade Tatay a final, endearing farewell.

Twelve years ago, I lost the person whom I called my father.

I lost the person I sought refuge to after a day full of teases and tears. I lost the person whom I told all my little victories, the small times I conquered the seas of my insecurites in my simple life back then. Twelve years ago, I lost a part of myself, never to be returned forever.

Here I am, standing incomplete under all the realities of life.

Tatay may no longer be here, but he'll be forever the one and only tatay for the rest of my life.


Tatay, masaya ka ba sa kung naging ano ako ngayon?
I love you Tatay. Sana masaya ka na ngayong magkasama na kayo ulit ni Nanay.

Hello, Hello

I think I need to start writing again.

Perfect Love

I came stumbling on this article.

---

"How was it like to have the perfect love?" Having the perfect love is risky, painful, most of the times commanding, usually on top of yourself, hard to deal with and yet always worth keeping.

"Your so called perfect love is only just as perfect as how you makes and believes it to be."

The painful thing is, just in time when you already had drowned yourself at the thought that you already found the perfect love, it breaks under the smallest crack. You struggle hard to save the relationship but you do it on your own. You save it because you finally found perfection, but no one helps you do it because only you believe it. Perfection is still there but only you can see it because it was only you among the both of you who made efforts seeing it through the relationship that way because it was only you who loved and it was only that love that made your lover perfect in the first place.

Perfect lovers come in abundance and they can be hand-picked, but just like other lovers around, hey come and go. And when they do, they leave you wrecked and when does love become perfect? It is when you think it is. There is no perfect love. The only perfect thing that exists in this world is the word alone. Following the word, there's no such one.

Is it perfect to sacrifice your love in exchange of your dignity and morality?

Mga Tanong na Paulit-ulit na Tinatanong ng Isang Mag-aaral

Hindi ko talaga gets ang mga inaral ko dito sa Ateneo. Sayang sa units!

Alam mo yun? Kasi ang dami-daming required subjects dito sa school na hindi ko alam kung paano ko i-aapply bilang isang Computer Science undergraduate. Hindi ko rin alam kung papaano ko ito magagamit bilang isang degree holder ng nasabing kurso (sana, by next year po). Alam mo yun? Anong gagawin ko sa labindalawang units sa kung anu-anong klase sa theology? Hindi ko naman sinasabing buwagin na sa core curriculum ang theology, pero kailangan ba talagang apat na subject ang required? Dahil ba isang Jesuit institution ang Ateneo kaya kailangan dumadagundong na labindalawang units ang kailangan para magtapos sa kahit na anong kurso? Pati na rin ang philosophy. Kailangan rin bang lumalagitik na labindalawang units rin ang kailangan? Gusto ko naman ang philosophy, yun nga lang, parang paulit-ulit ata ang mga inaaral. At ang mahirap pa, kahit na anong pagsusunog ng kilay o pamimiga ng utak ang gawin mo sa pag-aaral, C lang ang makukuha mo sa orals. O baka naman hindi lang talaga ako magaling magtawid ng aking mga saloobin kaya ganun? Ang bitter. Ang bitter talaga. Ayos lang sa akin kung ipapatapon niyo ako sa isang far, far away place, o kaya nama'y ipababaril sa isang firing squad sa kung saang lupalop ng Quezon City.

Wala lang. Wala lang yata ako mapost kaya ganito. Nakakainis lang pati ang mga professor na aalis ng bansa at iiwan kayo ng dalawang linggo. Pero hindi ako galit, naiinis lang. Tumatambak na rin kasi ang mga kailangan kong gawin, at nagpapalala pa sa lahat ng ito ang thesis.

Hay, thesis. Sino bang nakaimbento sa iyo?

Busy Again

Things are getting tougher. Deadlines are getting nearer and nearer. People are getting busier and busier

including me.


Sigh.

How I miss my life free from responsibilities.
How I miss substantial blogging.
How I miss someone.