Ang Prescription ni Madame Kiki-Am

Dahil sa mga recent events na nangyari kanina, muntik nang sumabog ang damdamin ko. Muntik na talaga, lalo na nung oras na [inalis para hindi ka-bother-bother] ako ni [inalis para hindi ka-bother-bother sa taong baka ma-bother]. Bigla na lang akong nirefer ng aking sarili kay Madame Kiki-Am, ang resident psychiatrist daw ng aking inner self. "Madame" raw ang itawag sa kanya para daw thothyal. Nagmadali akong nagpunta sa banyo sa ikalawang palapag ng Faura para mag-set ng appointment.

Pagpasok ko, binati ako ng isang lalaking suot ang isang asul na polo. Akala ko, siya yung receptionist, yun pala, siya yung janitor.

Sinabi ng aking sarili sa aking sarili na sa Cubicle Number 2 daw ang klinika ni Madame Kiki-Am. Kumatok ako at pumasok, at bigla-bigla na lang isinampal sa akin ni Madame Kiki-Am ang prescription na ito:

Putangna! Hindi ko maintindihan! Nung ipapatranslate ko sana kay Madame Kiki-Am ang kanyang cryptic message, wala na siya sa aking harapan. Ni hindi ko nga yata nakita ang kanyang itsura eh, at hindi ko rin natanong sa kanya kung mahilig ba siya sa fish nuggets.

Lumabas ako sa kanyang mapanghing tanggapan na nagkakamot ng ulo. Hindi ko kasi talaga maintindihan yung nakasulat sa papel na iyon. Ni hindi ko nga sure kung papel nga ba yun o tissue paper eh.

Ngunit habang ako ay natutulog nung aming lab sa physics, napanaginipan ko ang Rosetta Stone sa punyemas na prescription na iyon. Hindi ko nadecode and lahat ng nakasulat, ngunit at least naman ay nakuha ko ang mahahalagang detalye:

ANG PRESCRIPTION NI MADAME KIKI-AM

DIAGNOSIS: Kulang sa childhood. Umiyak dahil lang sa saranggola, eh hindi naman siya si Pepe.

INDICATIONS: Nadepress at inisolate ang sarili kas[hindi na nadecode ang iba]

PRESCRIPTION: Drink lots of water, think happy thoughts, pagtawanan muli ang NSTP book [hindi na nadeciper ang Kiki-Amic Code]

NOTE: Kung mangyari ulit sa iyo ang mga bagay na ito, malamang hindi mo na kakayanin. *heart*

*LAGDA NI MADAME KIKI-AM*

Ngunit naalala ko na parang may minorse code siya sa akin nung sinampal niya ako. Kung tama ang pagkakaintindi ko sa morse code na itinapik niya sa mukha ko nung isinampal niya sa akin ang ftw na resetang ito, hindi pa raw ako handa. Masyado raw akong nasaktan, at kailangan ko pa raw ng panahon upang maging handa. Masyado raw akong nawili sa pagiging malungkot at mag-isa. Nasanay na raw ako. Natatakot daw akong masaktan muli kaya raw ako nananatili sa isang "hurt" state. Huwaw, biruin mong natapik niya lahat iyan under 0.324235 seconds!

Bakit ba kasi ang pangit magsulat ng mga doktor eh!

A Fault Lies Between Us

I slept early last night. My eyes turned against me when I was about to play Warriors Orochi. But even though I slept for eight hours, when I woke up this morning, I did not feel refreshed at all. I was even quite tired. That tired, sleepless feeling is the most frustrating feeling, because there is no way out of your tired state but to remain tired until you get sleepy.

And I guess I am just tired.

Earlier this afternoon, I had my first individual consultation with Ate Hi-C. She asked me several questions — about my goals for NSTP, my hopes for my tutees, and if I am alright with my kids. She asked me what characteristic of mine has strengthened because of NSTP. I tried to answer her question the best way I could, but she got confused. Both of us actually got confused.

"So, kapag kasama mo ang kids mo, you feel happy, but at the same time nasasad ka?"

"Hindi siguro nasasad Ate Hi-C. Siguro more of na naiinggit ako sa kanila. Oo, masaya ako dahil nakikita ko naman silang masaya, pero naiinggit ako dahil sa kasiyahang iyon. Itinatanong ko sa sarili ko kung papaano sila nagiging masaya. They have so little compared to us, but the happiness they possess in their smiles are different from our happiness. Parang mas masaya pa sila kaysa sa atin. Kaysa sa akin."

After that, I redrew the design on my canvas shoes. After I was satisfied enough, I ate my lunch. All I can remember after eating was me staring at the ceiling fans. I remember thinking, to my surprise, about nothing as I watched the fans oscillate in their pathetic axes. Before I noticed what I was doing, it was time for CS122.

BS Computer Science Specialization in Interactive Multimedia. Finally, I now have a reason to stay in my course besides my scholarship and the air-conditioned rooms.

I almost lost my lunch on my way home. I am not used in standing in an ordinary bus.

"Bakit ang dami mo na namang pimple! Meron na nung sabon mo dun, yun na ang gamitin mo!" Ate is clueless about the problems that are slowly withering my soul desperately clinging on because it needs to. I am holding on to everything all that I have remaining because I need to be strong for the ones who actually care for me, in their own apathetic way or another.

I am sorry. It is my fault that I feel this way. It is my fault that a crack has emerged in our friendship. If I knew I would only fall back on the hard, cold concrete, I wouldn't have relied on you to catch me. But you can still count on me to catch you when you fall. What are friends for? Well, that is assuming I am still your friend, because you are still my friend. I will understand if you decide not to talk to me anymore, text me, poke me as you usually do, ask if I'll eat in Jollibee or somewhere else, or even if you decide not to fly the kite with me anymore. It is my fault. And because of that, our friendship won't be the same as when the time I told myself you are one of my best friends.

I am sincerely sorry that now, a fault lies between us. Please just accept my apology, even if you don't mean it.

But honestly, I will still feel sad even if you do accept my apology. I have been shattered for too long that the fragments have been scattered by the gentle breeze that touched my face. The shards of the memories that I have sincerely treasured and placed beside my heart have escaped beyond the horizon that I always ignored before because I was with one of my best friends.

Now I know the reason why I feel envious to my kids. Now I know why.

They are not incomplete.


I have to say that I generalized my problem too much. Blockmates, if my post bothered you, I am sorry. It's my fault. You guys didn't do anything wrong for me to be depressed for over a month now. Promise, and thanks. It means a lot to me. Love ko pa rin kayo miski hindi ko naipapakita.

Imcomplete?

Mabighami ako sa post mi Melody Kay. Basahim mo amg post miya dito.

Mabasa ko amg post ma iyam sa ikalawamg math period mamim. Pero makimig mamam ako kay Felix. Makimig ako pagkatapos komg maglaro mg Dragom Quest. Imulit lamg mamam miya kasi yumg timuro miya mumg umamg period eh. Tumgkol ulit kay paremg Djikstra.

Walamg mamgyari kamimamg lab time. Himdi pa kasi kami makakapili mg amimg gagawimg project dahil lagimg himdi kami kumpleto o kumg kumpleto mamam, walamg mamgyayari. Hay. Sabi mi Mr. Calasamz, mag-attemd ma lamg daw lahat mg members mg grupo mamim sa Biyermes para mapako ma kumg amo amg amimg gagawim. Sayamg daw kasi amg oras, at himdi ko ipimagkaila amg bagay ma iyam. Makakalumgkot makita amg ibamg grupo ma may mga plamo ma at makausap ma si Mr. Calasamz, habamg kami ay wala pamg gimagawamg seryosomg pag-iisip kumg amo amg gusto mamimg gawim. Maglaro lamg kami mg x-rated tetris mi Amboy kamima. Merom palamg itimatagomg mga juicy, juicier, at juiciest secrets amg kamyamg flash drive. Myaha.

Kumaim ma lamg ako sa Jollibee, kumg saam daw bida amg saya. Umorder ako mg Crispy Chickem Steak ma solo lamg kay Ate Rose (close dim daw kami eh myaha). Kamima ko lamg makita kumg gaamo kamipis talaga yumg chickem sa Crispy Chickem Steak ma iyom matapos komg kaimim yum mg higit ma sa dalawampumg beses. Mgayom lamg kasi ako magimg overly semsitive sa mga bagay-bagay. Well, semsitive ako, pero himdi semsitive emough para mapamsim amg mipis mg chickem ma iyom. Mapaisip pa mga ako kumg chickem mga ba talaga iyom dahil lasamg chickem lomggamisamg gawa mamam talaga sa baka. Amg labo.

Dumaam ako sa Gateway para maglaro mg Percussiom Freaks 5th Mix at DrumMamia 10th Mix. Libre yumg PF dahil gold ma amg akimg card, at maglaro ako mg tatlomg beses dum sa DM. Ewam ko, I just felt like playimg amd playimg.

Kakauwi ko lamg mgayom. Maglalaro kasi ako mg Warriors Orochi mamaya kaya mgayom ma ako magpopost. Makakaimis kasi si Da Ji eh. Matatalo ko ma siya dapat kagabi, kaso gumawa siya mg super chiater move kaya madedz si Zhao Yum. Kaasar yumg mga gamomg pamgyayari mo. Hulimg kalabam ma, saka ka pa mamamatay. Sayamg yumg ability mi Yue Yimg ma makuha ko sama kumg himdi lamg magimg chiatress (babaimg chiater) yamg si Da Ji.

Hay.

Malulumgkot ako dahil malumgkot ako. Himdi ko ma talaga alam kumg bakit. O kaya mamam ayaw ko lamg tamggapim amg mga rasom dahil mamimiwala pa rim ako sa mga taomg pimagkatiwalaam ko. Malamamg frustrated ako sa mga pamgyayari recemtly. Amg dami ko kasimg regrets. Amg dami komg magimg kasalamam sa akimg sarili.

Amg daya mo talaga buhay. Bakit ba lagi mo akomg bimibigyam mg mga problemamg himdi ko alam kumg papaamo maayos? Alim yam sa dalawamg drama mo, yumg "mamimiwala ako sa kakayaham mo" o yumg "Walamg problemamg himdi mo kayamg malutas"? O baka mamam gusto mo lamg imudmod sa pagmumukha ko ma tamga ako?

Kasi mamam. Wala bamg clue?

Hmph. Buti pa si Djikstra, simasapiam si Felix para ituro sa amim amg kamyamg algorithm.

Habang Nagtuturo si Felix ng Algorithm ni Djikstra

Close kami niyang si Felix. Sa katunayan, first name basis ang tawag ko sa kanya. Bwaha.

Malamang maiisip mo sa titulo nito na hindi ako nakikinig kay Felix habang nagtuturo siya tungkol sa algorithm ni Djikstra. Hindi ko lang kasi talaga hilig ang math at lahat ng mga nakakabaliw na branches nito. Puro naman kasi x na hindi bastos, mga graph na wala sa Cartesian plane, mga permutation na hindi ginagawa sa salon ni Milai, combination na lalong dumadami ang sagot, at mga expressions na hindi mo naman magagamit. Alangan namang sabihin mong "Oh my god! You're so x+y talaga!" o kaya "Para ka namang x squared, laging sarili mo lang ang kasama mo." Kainis.

Pero bilib ako kay Felix dahil turo lang siya ng turo miski na sina WImbie at Wil lang ang talagang nakikinig. Hindi rin siya nagagalit (baka na rin siguro dahil walang rason para siya ay magalit). At alam na alam niya ang kanyang itinuturo. Namamangha ako sa bilis ng kanyang pagproseso ng dalawang graph kung sila ba ay isomorphic o hindi, sa galing niya sa pag-apply ng teorya ni Kuratowski, sa galing niya sa pagkilatis kung meron bang Euler Circuit at Hamiltonian Path ang isang graph G. Galing mo talaga Felix miski na napapanot ka na.

Ngayon, ineexplain niya ang isang program sa Python na hindi ko alam kung tungkol saan o para saan. Basta may stack.pop( ). Alam ko kung ano ang ibig sabihin niya, pero hindi ko lang alam kung para saan niya ginagamit. Mukhang para yata sa Infix to Postfix Expression, dahil iyon ang nakasulat sa whiteboard.

Pero bakit nga ba hindi ako nakikinig sa kanya ngayon? Hindi ko sasabihing lagi akong nakikinig sa kanya dahil hindi naman talaga. Sunog pa kasi ang utak ko dahil kakatapos lamang ng long test ko sa history kahapon. Kailangan ko munang ipahinga ang utak ko kasi mahirap na, baka hindi ko na talaga ito magamit.

Meron naman akong natutunan habang nagtuturo si Felix ng algorithm ni Djikstra. Meron akong natutunan tungkol sa aking sarili.

Ano naman iyon?

Yan kasi, hindi ka "nakikinig" kay Felix kaya hindi mo alam.

EDIT: Nagbell na. Siguro papasok ulit ako mamaya sa second class niya.

Ragnarok: End of the World

SERVER A: MT. SHASTA

Eh? Why the heck is this in our choices? Of course this should be always online. This is our primary server anyways.
Well, this server can cause a problem to balloon up into immeasurable proportions. It does not relieve anyway at all the traffic our system usually receives everyday. Emotions, academics, fatigue... Imagine the pressure, Arenne. I'm amazed that the system hasn't exploded with all that stress.
Well, this is still the primary server Zweihander. Closing this would like close everything else, right?

Isn't that what you want anyway?

SERVER STATUS: ONLINE

SERVER B: KATIPUNAN AVENUE

Well I have to say that this one shouldn't be closed.
Yes, totally. School can be a diversion for all that traffic you were talking about earlier. The system like studied for 5 hours a while ago. Wow. The system inspection by the History Department must be very thorough.
I don't like the system's school. Full of rich bastards who talk nothing about real life. Pathetic people. I should do a Meteor Assault right in the middle of those pathetic losers.
Well, this is for the future of our system. Do you agree?
Yes. I can see its effort to study well. It will be sad to see all that effort go to waste.
Whatever.

SERVER STATUS: ONLINE

SERVER C: BLOCK N

Wow. Very intriguing server.
Yes. This is like one of the most active servers in our system. But something happened recently that rattled the system. Other servers were severely disturbed.
Close it then.
But this one supports B. It can be dangerous if we just turn this one off.
Well, let's see then if this would continue to affect other servers. Let's leave this on for the meanwhile.

SERVER STATUS: ONLINE

SERVER D: ARTIST

This isn't a problem at all. This server isn't used very frequently. I'll vote to close this one.
But the system plans to paint his canvas shoes!
Then open it when he actually does paint it. Tch, really pathetic.
But the previous drawings of the system were hawt.
Uh, okay Arenne.

SERVER STATUS: OFFLINE

SERVER E: PS2 GAMER

Warriors Orochi!
Warriors Orochi!
Pathetic. The system doesn't even have his own PS2. I feel sorry for the guy who's lending him his.
Well, the server needs this to divert his attention. Besides, after tomorrow, his academic requirements won't be as heavy.
He has plans of actually buying one you know.

SERVER STATUS: ONLINE

SERVER F: OSU! BEATMAP CREATOR

Hm. I don't know about this one.
This is another diversion. Leave it on.
But E is on. This one might probably be left out.
Close it then.
Well I guess there won't be any harm in leaving it open.
Just open it when he actually creates one, just like D. We need to save resources as much as we can.

SERVER STATUS: OFFLINE

SERVER G: ESSENCE RO

The system hasn't accessed this one for a week.
I've noticed that too. His friends left him alone over there. So much for his +4 Strenuous Black Leather Boots that he worked so hard to get.
Pathetic.

SERVER STATUS: OFFLINE

SERVER H: COMPSAT

Another one.
Well, they are a happy bunch of people.
Well, the system does not access this one unless he's on C.
Pathetic. I'll close this one. Easy decision, no point in making this any longer.

SERVER STATUS: OFFLINE

SERVER I: INTROVERT

But the system likes being an introvert, doesn't he?
Yeah. And even if he doesn't, he can't stop it. Every time the system goes idle, his whole life flashes before his eyes. Well, I can't blame him. Sometimes he's with everyone he knows, but deep inside, he isn't present.
Hmph. He never solves his problems, does he?
Well, he's having a difficult time facing them. So the server just diverts everything elsewhere until the server traffic lowers to a tolerable level. But the problem is that traffic the server is diverting increases exponentially.
But if we turn this server off, won't the system be better?
Let's give it a try then. Zweihander tries to turn off this server. What? I can't turn it off!
Pathetic. What is the problem?
There is an error somewhere. I can't quite figure where.
Let me try then. Arenne casts Blessing on herself. INT, STR, DEX +10.
After an hour
Let's just leave this open. It seems that the system isn't allowing us to turn this server off.
Oh well.
Hmph. What an ass.

SERVER STATUS: ONLINE

SERVER J: BLOG TYPE 1

Catharsis is good. Just look at him post!
Whatever. His posts are full of resentment.
I'll leave this one on. It is good that the server is able to tell his own self about what is happening inside of him. Pretty weird, huh?
He's weird anyway.
Well, if it helps our system in any way possible, then we have no reason to turn it off.

SERVER STATUS: ONLINE

SERVER K: BLOG TYPE 2

He wanted to hurl when he visited someone's blog.
Because he's a weakling.
Why did the server want to vomit?
I said, because he's a weakling, damnit.
I don't know. Maybe because he realized something on the post he accessed.
Which post was it?
Arenne casts Angelus. Party's DEF+50%
Arenne casts Assumptio on Zweihander, Levantine, and herself. Damage Taken reduced to 1/2
What the heck, do you really need to do that?
Arenne casts Warp Portal. Zweihander, Levantine, and Arenne goes to the page the system read.
Arenne casts Warp Portal again after they read whatever is there.
See? Geez, I feel nauseous even with Angelus and Assumptio on.
Arenne casts Recovery on Zweihander, Levantine, and herself. Abnormal statuses are healed
Oh my. I feel sorry for our server.
Pathetic.
So? Are we keeping this one on or off?
Close it, damnit. If a weakling like him can't stand realities like that, then better close this one before he actually hurls on his keyboard.

SERVER STATUS: OFFLINE

SERVER L: SECRET SERVER

The system announced that this server will be closed. He calls this one his "house" or something.
What the fuck! Why did he use my name! That bastard! Levantine attacks system with Sonic Blow. System takes 8888 points of damage. System faints.
WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT FOR?! Arenne casts Resurrection on system. Zweihander casts Gloria Domini on Levantine. Levantine takes 2000 points of damage and SP is reduced by 60%. Arenne casts Lex Divina on Levantine, effectively shutting him up.
Jeez. He thought of that name even before you existed. Sometimes you can be a real pain Levantine. Just keep it cool.
Levantine uses a panacea. Shut up.
Well, I just remembered now. The system isn't going to that "house" or whatever he terms it because he is avoiding someone. When he was really down and frequented that place, that person was always there and talked to our system.
And then?
Maybe that person has bad breath. I won't blame him.
Whatever, Levantine. He fell for that person. He found the person to be "kind."
"Kind?" Wow. What a situation. Isn't this the same reason why the system is isolating himself terribly?
It is.
Hmph. Hope the computer of that person gets fixed so that that person has no more reason to communicate with our system.
I feel bad for our system. I mean, why does this have to happen to him?

SERVER STATUS: OFFLINE

Furigana: 永遠

eien
eternity; perpetuity; immortality; permanence


「一番」
友を永遠に失うくらいならぼその友達のにとを我慢しなさい。
Tomo wo eien ni ushinau kurai narabo sono tomodachi ni to wo gaman shinasai.
Have patience with a friend rather than lose him forever.

「二番」
私たちは永遠にそのに住むことはできない。
Watashitachi wa eien sono ni sumu koto wa dekinai.
We cannot live on it forever.

「三番」
誘うよに私を鼓舞する無限かつ永遠の愛は何億もの太陽のように私のまわりに光輝き。
Sasouyoni watashi wo kobusuru mugen katsu eien no ai wa nani oku mono taishou noyouni watashi no mawari ni hikari kagayaki.
Limitless undying love which shines around me like a million suns, it calls me on and on.



質問がありますか。
Do you have any questions?
「一番」の質問
「二番」の質問
「三番」の質問



From　「sailing day」
誰もがビリーヴァー
Daremo ga biri-va-
Everyone is a believer

永遠のドリーマー
Eien no dori-ma-
An eternal dreamer

sailing day

High Ako sa Stress+Acads+*Secret Factor*

Nararamdaman kong umaagos ang aking dugo patungo sa aking utak. Sandali lang ha, iinom lang ako ng tubig. Itutuloy ko ang post kong ito mamaya ng kaunti.

(Matapos uminom ng tubig)
Grabe. Umiikot pa rin ang mundo ko. Dahil siguro sa kakabasa ng history. Parang nasusuka nga yata ako eh.

(Matapos tingnan ang EssenceRO)
Halos isang linggo na pala akong hindi naglalaro ng EssenceRO. Hay. Bakit ba ang sakit ng ulo ko bigla? Nakakairita naman talaga.

(Matapos pindutin ang close button ng tab ng isang blog)
Ayun. Ito pala yung rason ng aking pagkahilo. I want to hurl, honestly.

(Matapos maisip ang tag ng post kong ito)
Nakaramdam ulit ako ng isang wave ng hilo. Nanlalabo rin ang paningin ko.

(Matapos tingnan ang contacts sa YM)
Nakakainis naman. Bakit hindi pa rin niya ako ina-IM? Naiinip na ako. Tuloy, nahihilo pa rin ako. Ang labo naman ng mga pinagsasabi ko.

(Matapos ang wave number x ng pagkahilo)
Wala. Piga na ang utak ko. Ginawa ko kasi yung part 2, 3, at 4 nung project proposal namin mula 9:04 kagabi hanggang 6:17 kaninang umaga. Nagising ako ng mga alas-dos na, at may mga tao pa rin dahil may reunion si daddy dito sa bahay kanina. Nagbasa at nagnotes ako sa history ng halos dalawa't kalahating oras, at apat na topics lang ang aking nagawa. Patay. Long test na sa Tuesday, at hindi ko pa tapos basahin yung Mughal Empire at hindi ko pa nababasa at all yung tungkol sa British Sea Power ba yun.

Ang post na ito ay nagsisilbing tanda na sumusuko na naman si Rudolf sa laban. Lampa!

May nagsabi sa akin na kapag nalampasan ng isang tao ang dalawang pagtatangka sa sarili niyang buhay, lalabas siya bilang isang mas malakas na tao. Kapag nakita ng taong iyon na hindi pagpapakamatay ang solusyon, mababago ang kanyang pananaw sa buhay. Makakayanan na niya lahat ng pagsubok na kanyang haharapin. Naniwala ako sa mga sinabi niya, ngunit ngayon...

...nalaman kong nagkamali pala ako. Ang katotohanan, naging masyado na akong marupok na miski ang "pinakamadaling" solusyon sa lahat ng problema ay hindi ko na kayang gawin.

Bahala na nga.

Hmp. Lagi namang "bahala na nga" ang solusyon mo eh.

Sige nga, anong gagawin mo? Anong gagawin natin?

Eh di smile smile. Wala naman tayong magagawa diyan eh. Unfair talaga paminsan.

Punyeta naman.

Putangna talaga.

Bakit naman kasi ganito eh... (habang sinasabing ang mga katagang "Punyetang Putangna naman talaga!!" palabas ng kanyang right nostril).

Awts. Pahingi ngang Mighty Bond na hindi peke. Meron akong kailangang ayusin at gawing isa ulit.

Uy uy, hindi na masakit ulo ko.

Kite

It hasn't stopped raining since early this morning. And this rain started yesterday afternoon while I was sitting quietly under the gray sky.

I didn't feel like going to school today at all. The blanket of cold, stagnant air made my heavy eyes even heavier. But I struggled to rise from bed as I need to see my kids. But when we arrived there, no one was around. Kuya Rudy said that most of the kids had make-up classes in their respective schools. So much for that. Well, we played "Wooly Wooly World" and "Saan nakatingin yung piso?" on our way back, and it was fun. I was even laughing my lower jaw off.

Kuya Archie dropped us by Mcdo. Yanyan and I continued to mock the illustrations of our over-sized NSTP book, while the others ate their lunch. It was then I received a text message from EJ informing me that they had a processing session and wouldn't be out until 2:00pm. (Right now, I was just looking at Warriors Orochi at GameFAQs. Me want.) At that point, I had an internal conflict in deciding if I would still go with them or just go home and sleep. Ding suggested me to join them in the programming varsity. The conflict level inside of me rose even higher. I asked who were going, and it was then I told myself I should not go. They left, leaving me all alone to wait for another hour or so.

"Saan ka maghihintay?"

"Ewan ko pa"

I went to Webtown and discovered that my account no longer existed. I went to CD Factory and looked for some game titles (it was there I found Warriors Orochi). Another internal conflict broke inside me as I tired to decide where to stay. My feet led me to the Recto-bound platform of Katipunan Station.

I sat there and patiently waited. Trains arrived and left, people walked past me. The world around me continued to turn and exist in time while I stagnated myself from it as I sat on the floor, playing M-SuDoKu. After the horrible grid I solved in 17 minutes and 39 seconds because I was utterly unfocused, EJ texted me that Raf brought his car. It was then I learned that overstaying in the station has a penalty of P24.00. I should have gone to Gateway and back.

As Raf cruised along the wet roads, EJ, seated in the front, talked to him. They talked and talked and talked and talked about things I don't know about. I wasn't irritated, but was "happy" that they were happy. I busied myself with silently staring at the water droplets that were swayed by the wind. I tried to count them, but were innumerable for my confused mind to mathematically comprehend.

"Magagalit ba kayo sa akin kung uuwi na ako ngayon?"

"Huh? Kailangan mo nang umuwi?"

"Hindi naman."

I opened the door and felt the cold blanket of polluted air cover me. I prayed for their happiness and safety.

As I sat at the back of the bus on my way home, Once again, I tried to count the infinite droplets that splattered on the windows. It was occupying my mind, and it was only in that act of sheer impossibility I kept my sanity. My fortitude eroded away, but at least, I was still sane. Well, sane in the point of a mental implosion or in the very verge of cerebral insanity.

The very first thing I saw in my room as I entered was the kite I earnestly bought. It was too much. I had to sleep and forget all about everything.

It is weird that a person can be overly ecstatic, laughing his ass off at 11:35am and be at a gorge of sorrow and despair at 11:45am of the same day. I can't understand the irony of seeing someone or something and feeling happy and depressed at the same time.

But one thing is for sure: you cannot fly a kite on a rainy day.

Please Carry my Dreams Towards the Sky

I honestly do not know how should I describe what I am feeling right this very moment as I press the keys of the keyboard and as the letters of the words I am typing are appearing from a white background.

I am probably confused, or confused, probably.

I am yearning for some people who I miss so much. I was unable to cry and tell how torn I am to Nanay, Tatay, and Tita Nene because there was construction going on nearby.

I am awkwardly ecstatic for our trip to the bowling lanes tomorrow after I meet my NSTP kids who thought that they will never see me again. I can remember MC running by our jeepney as she held my hand, bade farewell with the other, and shouted "Bye bye Kuya Rudolf! Bye bye!"

I am looking forward to buying the P150.00 Acrylic paint set that I found in National earlier. I am also looking forward to styling my plain, white, canvas shoes with the concepts of water for the left, and fire on the right. I just hope I do it well.

I feel heavy. No. My chest feels heavy, that's why I feel heavy as well.

I am losing an ongoing battle inside of me. I thought I turned the tide of the siege when I decided to return to open my heart once more, but I was thoroughly deceived. I got ambushed right after I declared my strengthening morale and resolve. The sword I forged as an enduring blacksmith struck me a mortal wound as soon as the finishing strike of the hammer to the anvil was heard echoing in the hollowness.

In my eyes, tears welled up. I summoned a bolster of courage I am ignorant of origin to stop those tears from falling. As I sat on the grass, staring on the weak flame of the candle silently persevering against the chilly, empty breeze, rain started to pour down from the cloudy sky.

Were they crying for me?

I found a separate peace in that garden. A peace that made my mind serene for a moment before chaos explodes and disrupts my dream of emancipation once more.

I need to leave. I had to leave. But I had to know the name of the place first.

My memory did not fail me this time. It was the Garden of Salvation.

As I left, I remembered the kite I bought with someone who made a promise to me that we would fly it together. That colorful kite carrying all my humble wishes and simple hopes still remains thirsty to soar across the endless sky to this day.

Please carry my dreams towards the sky.

Ang AfterMATH ng AMC125 Long Test 1

Mukhang naover estimate ko yata yung AMC125 LT ko kanina. Minumura-mura pa namin si Mugalicious dahil pinagbawal niya ang aming kodigo tuwing long tests niya. Well, kaya naman pala niya pinagbawal yun kasi maraming tanong na puro tungkol sa mga theorem. 150 points yung long test, 120 points yung multiple choice na 4 points each number, tapos may ajuices na problem solving worth 15 points each. Pero nainis ako sa sarili ko dahil madali na nga, pero feeling ko na mababa lang ang makukuha ko dun. Asar naman kasi eh. Ewan ko. Ang weird ng feeling nang nadadalian ka sa isang test pero hindi mo masagutan yung isang number dahil masyadong obvious. Siguro, hindi lang talaga ako magaling itranslate ang aking ideas to words or to writing. Proving kasi yung pesteng number na yun.

Tapos biruin mong nagpapasanib pa ako sa espirito nina Kuratowski at ni Euler at ni Hamilton?

I don't believe in my own capabilities anymore. I think this is the problem.

Pero ang weird din eh. Wala lang sa akin na hindi ko nakuha yung huling number sa math kanina (pero naiinis ka, pero wala talaga yun), pero ikinahiya ko ang aking sarili nung C lang ang makuha ko sa unang song ko sa DrumMania. Totoo nga palang kinakalawang ang iyong mga skills kapag hindi mo ito napractice ng matagal na panahon. Well, baka naman dahil mas gusto kong maglaro ng DrumMania kaysa pumili ng tamang sagot sa limang pagpipiliian na kung saan "None of The Choices" ang ikalima. Bakit kasi walang "E. God" dun eh, kasi sabi nila, God daw is the answer to everything.

Napagod lang talaga ako today. Well, pagod ako dahil pagod ako kahapon at hindi ako nakarecuperate kagabi kasi naulit na naman yung nakakainis na power-napping-frenzy-after-magising-ng-dis-oras-sa-umaga. Freecut nung CS, pero hindi ako natuwa masyado dahil meron kaming kailangang itanong kay Ma'am Jess at magkakaroon ako ng free time na kung saan maglalaban laban ang aking inner selves kung mag-aaral ba ako o matutulog o kakain ng carbonarang mukhang hindi masarap o kakain ng turong puro wrapper lang at gahinliliit ang saging. Hyperbole yung sa turon ha. Masarap kasi sa turon yung malaki na yung saging, may langka pa (well ganito yung turon nila in some rare occasions).

Medyo natuwa ako kasi nakatiyempo ako ng ordinary bus na walang laman nung pauwi na ako galing Gateway. Ang sarap ng pakiramdam ng hangin sa aking mukha, kasamang lahat ng polusyon sa mga smoke belcher ng Edsa.

Naiyak ako nung binasa kong muli yung post ko kay Tatay kagabi. Buti na lang walang nakakita. Miss ko na talaga siya siguro. Miss ko na sila ni Nanay. Kaya bukas, pupunta akong Loyola upang bumisita at pasalamatan sila kasi alam kong lagi nila akong binabantayan. (They know I've been a bad boy. O syet.) Pupunta din akong Loyola bukas upang sabihin sa kanilang namimiss ko na sila. Iniisip kong tanungin si... ano... kung papayag siyang samahan ako. Namimiss ko na rin kasi siya eh.

Hoy math! Wala ka bang polynomial equation upang masagot ang mga problema kong pilit na kinakalimutan na lang?

Hay. Tired, so tired. Pero ayaw ko pang matulog eh.