Sana naman magtuluy-tuloy na itong nararamdaman ko. Well hindi lahat siguro. Ewan ko ba.
Mga a week ago, ako ay binalitaan ni Lucky na may birthday party/reunion ang F sa December 28 sa kanyang bahay. Well, walang buhay akong nag-oo dahil sumasailalim ako sa isang period ng aking periodic depression (kaya nga period kasi periodic eh). Hindi ko ako naging masyadong excited kasi nga magkakaroon pa kami ng party ng block sa December 18. Basta yun.
Araw ng physics LT ko nun. Kinamusta ko yung isa kong kaibigan:
"Kamusta na kayo ni [pangalan]?"
"Ayos naman kami. We are in good terms."
"Ah."
Tapos nanahimik siya for some time. Tinanong ko kung pupunta ba siya sa Christmas Party namin later that evening. Oo naman daw, pero baka sandali lang kasi ayaw na niya raw mag-mingle sa block. Medyo naintindihan ko naman kung bakit ganun yung feelings niya. As a friend, inintindi ko yun at hindi na nag-probe in further. As a friend, I tried to be there when he needed a friend, especially nung isang time na yun. Wala akong nasabi kasi wala talaga akong alam na masasabi na makakatulong. Pero sinubukan ko pa rin talaga siyang samahan kasi kailangan niya ng kaibigan.
"Ayaw ko nang mag-mingle kasi hindi ka naman sasaluhin ng college friends mo kapag namroblema ka eh. High school friends mo ang tutulong at sasalo sa iyo. Tingnan mo ako, nung [nangyari yung nangyari], yung mga kaibigan ko sa high school ang tumulong sa akin. Yung college friends, sila pa yung naging simula ng problema ko sa buhay eh." Well, hindi yan exact quote dahil ang memory ko ay oh so poor.
I tightly held my heart in my mind and stopped the tears that were filling my eyes from falling. I had to be strong for the people I value the most. I had to be strong. Well, I have to be strong. Hindi totoo yung mga sinabi niya. Hindi yun totoo. Sinabi lang niya yun dahil depressed lang siya sa mga bagay na nangyari sa kanya.
Oh yeah, yung physics LT na yun was like icing on a crappy, crappy cake that no one wants to eat because it reeks of vomit. Biruin mong right minus wrong? UPCAT yata yung ftw LT na yan eh.
Nung papunta na kaming Christmas party, nakita ko si Garde sa may harap ng Rustans. For once in the whole day and the whole afternoon, ngumiti ako. I felt seriously happy when I saw him. I got out from my blockmate's van and had a seriously needed chat with a best friend of mine na taga-F, hindi taga-N. Too bad he had to go before we needed to.
Honestly, nung araw ng Christmas party namin, I didn't feel like partying at all. I would be like insulting my prideful self when I felt the need to party. Wala talaga. So I just stayed outside with the bags and tried to sleep. I stayed outside and pretended to be asleep. Until one voice said:
"Dofie, are you okay?"
Sinabi kong inaantok lang ako. Pero alam ko na alam niyang I have something going on inside of me kasi sinabi ko sa kanya one time na whenever I feel sad and is unable to keep it all in, I just tell everyone "Inaantok ako" when they ask why I'm sad. One part of me tells myself na don't make people worry because you will feel more worried, another part tells me na hindi naman nila maiiintindihan yung situation mo, and another one tells me na what the f*ck is with these guys snooping around other people's lives.
"You want to talk about it?"
I shook my head. Ayaw kong pag-usapan kasi hindi ko pwedeng pag-usapan. Pero my eyes cannot hold it in any much longer. I cried. I really, really cried.
That moment, inaaproach ako ng isa kong friend. He tried to talk to me pero I didn't want to talk to anyone. In fact, I felt na I didn't need anyone.
"Dahil ba sa Physics?" Hell no.
"Meron ba akong nasabi?" Sinabi kong wala. Pero nagsinungaling ako. Meron siyang sinabi right before that ftw LT.
"Just leave me alone. Please."
"Hindi yun pwede. Kakaunti na lang nga sa block yung tinuturi kong kaibigan, tapos iiwanan ko pa? Hindi yun pwede."
Iyak pa rin ako ng iyak, pero deep inside, nagpapasalamat ako sa kanya.
Yes, I have to admit na dahilan nga ng mga problema ko ang mga friends ko ngayon. There is this so-near-yet-so-far thing going on between me and another blockie. At alam kong hindi niya alam yun kasi apathetic siya. That person told me na sasaluhin niya ako kapag nadulas ako. Well it turns out, masakit palang madulas sa isang thick and solid slab of concrete ng iyong mga problema. And I distinctly remember asking this person na "[Name], bakit ka sad?" when that person was showing something different that that person's usual smile.
After that night, I chose to be silent. I need the solitude once and for all. I was running away from it, but it eventually caught up with me. Napapagod din naman ang tao sa kakatakbo, unless na naka-steroids siya or something.
And the people were asking kung ayos lang ba ako. Obviously hindi.
Ewan ko lang ha. Mahirap talagang mag-expect ng mga bagay sa isang tao.
Kagabi lang, nagkita ko ulit ang Fboys. Halos walang pinagbago ang samahan. Halos wala. Ang dami kong kinuhang pictures. Ang dami talaga. Ang dami, dami, dami talaga.
And for almost three weeks, naramdaman ulit ng aking facial muscles ang electric impulse to smile. Ecch, what a geek I have become.
Nung pauwi na ako, sinabi ko dun sa sinabayan ko na grabe, ang dami kong kinuhang pictures. Ako daw kasi, kuha ng kuha.
That time, sinabi ko sa sarili ko na baka nga tama yung isa kong kaibigan.
Or baka naman depressed lang din ako?
Mga a week ago, ako ay binalitaan ni Lucky na may birthday party/reunion ang F sa December 28 sa kanyang bahay. Well, walang buhay akong nag-oo dahil sumasailalim ako sa isang period ng aking periodic depression (kaya nga period kasi periodic eh). Hindi ko ako naging masyadong excited kasi nga magkakaroon pa kami ng party ng block sa December 18. Basta yun.
Araw ng physics LT ko nun. Kinamusta ko yung isa kong kaibigan:
"Kamusta na kayo ni [pangalan]?"
"Ayos naman kami. We are in good terms."
"Ah."
Tapos nanahimik siya for some time. Tinanong ko kung pupunta ba siya sa Christmas Party namin later that evening. Oo naman daw, pero baka sandali lang kasi ayaw na niya raw mag-mingle sa block. Medyo naintindihan ko naman kung bakit ganun yung feelings niya. As a friend, inintindi ko yun at hindi na nag-probe in further. As a friend, I tried to be there when he needed a friend, especially nung isang time na yun. Wala akong nasabi kasi wala talaga akong alam na masasabi na makakatulong. Pero sinubukan ko pa rin talaga siyang samahan kasi kailangan niya ng kaibigan.
"Ayaw ko nang mag-mingle kasi hindi ka naman sasaluhin ng college friends mo kapag namroblema ka eh. High school friends mo ang tutulong at sasalo sa iyo. Tingnan mo ako, nung [nangyari yung nangyari], yung mga kaibigan ko sa high school ang tumulong sa akin. Yung college friends, sila pa yung naging simula ng problema ko sa buhay eh." Well, hindi yan exact quote dahil ang memory ko ay oh so poor.
I tightly held my heart in my mind and stopped the tears that were filling my eyes from falling. I had to be strong for the people I value the most. I had to be strong. Well, I have to be strong. Hindi totoo yung mga sinabi niya. Hindi yun totoo. Sinabi lang niya yun dahil depressed lang siya sa mga bagay na nangyari sa kanya.
Oh yeah, yung physics LT na yun was like icing on a crappy, crappy cake that no one wants to eat because it reeks of vomit. Biruin mong right minus wrong? UPCAT yata yung ftw LT na yan eh.
Nung papunta na kaming Christmas party, nakita ko si Garde sa may harap ng Rustans. For once in the whole day and the whole afternoon, ngumiti ako. I felt seriously happy when I saw him. I got out from my blockmate's van and had a seriously needed chat with a best friend of mine na taga-F, hindi taga-N. Too bad he had to go before we needed to.
Honestly, nung araw ng Christmas party namin, I didn't feel like partying at all. I would be like insulting my prideful self when I felt the need to party. Wala talaga. So I just stayed outside with the bags and tried to sleep. I stayed outside and pretended to be asleep. Until one voice said:
"Dofie, are you okay?"
Sinabi kong inaantok lang ako. Pero alam ko na alam niyang I have something going on inside of me kasi sinabi ko sa kanya one time na whenever I feel sad and is unable to keep it all in, I just tell everyone "Inaantok ako" when they ask why I'm sad. One part of me tells myself na don't make people worry because you will feel more worried, another part tells me na hindi naman nila maiiintindihan yung situation mo, and another one tells me na what the f*ck is with these guys snooping around other people's lives.
"You want to talk about it?"
I shook my head. Ayaw kong pag-usapan kasi hindi ko pwedeng pag-usapan. Pero my eyes cannot hold it in any much longer. I cried. I really, really cried.
That moment, inaaproach ako ng isa kong friend. He tried to talk to me pero I didn't want to talk to anyone. In fact, I felt na I didn't need anyone.
"Dahil ba sa Physics?" Hell no.
"Meron ba akong nasabi?" Sinabi kong wala. Pero nagsinungaling ako. Meron siyang sinabi right before that ftw LT.
"Just leave me alone. Please."
"Hindi yun pwede. Kakaunti na lang nga sa block yung tinuturi kong kaibigan, tapos iiwanan ko pa? Hindi yun pwede."
Iyak pa rin ako ng iyak, pero deep inside, nagpapasalamat ako sa kanya.
Yes, I have to admit na dahilan nga ng mga problema ko ang mga friends ko ngayon. There is this so-near-yet-so-far thing going on between me and another blockie. At alam kong hindi niya alam yun kasi apathetic siya. That person told me na sasaluhin niya ako kapag nadulas ako. Well it turns out, masakit palang madulas sa isang thick and solid slab of concrete ng iyong mga problema. And I distinctly remember asking this person na "[Name], bakit ka sad?" when that person was showing something different that that person's usual smile.
After that night, I chose to be silent. I need the solitude once and for all. I was running away from it, but it eventually caught up with me. Napapagod din naman ang tao sa kakatakbo, unless na naka-steroids siya or something.
And the people were asking kung ayos lang ba ako. Obviously hindi.
Ewan ko lang ha. Mahirap talagang mag-expect ng mga bagay sa isang tao.
Kagabi lang, nagkita ko ulit ang Fboys. Halos walang pinagbago ang samahan. Halos wala. Ang dami kong kinuhang pictures. Ang dami talaga. Ang dami, dami, dami talaga.
And for almost three weeks, naramdaman ulit ng aking facial muscles ang electric impulse to smile. Ecch, what a geek I have become.
Nung pauwi na ako, sinabi ko dun sa sinabayan ko na grabe, ang dami kong kinuhang pictures. Ako daw kasi, kuha ng kuha.
That time, sinabi ko sa sarili ko na baka nga tama yung isa kong kaibigan.
Or baka naman depressed lang din ako?
3 comments:
Solitude may look great at first but as time passes, the peace it offers fades away slowly, until it gets replaced by the retlessness and worry you were trying to run away from.
Kung hindi man maging maayos ang lahat sa pamamagitan ng pagbibigay ng pagkakataon sa kanila, at least masasabi mo sa sarili mo na ginawa mo na ang lahat.
Alam ko yan pokeboy. Survival mechanism yan.
Hehe. You will survive! Isuot mo lang ang +10 Fire Pantie mo.
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