In Between

There are some things you really can't understand, no matter how hard you try to. I don't know. Maybe it's just me being afraid and getting worried about something I just imagined. You try to be as neutral as possible, but the truth is, no matter how neutral you think you are, you are still holding onto something you just won't let go.

Friendship is such a fragile thing. But isn't friendship something that will stand the tests of time and the blows of the steel?

I am confused. I am worried that I am confused because I don't know if it is right to be worried.


The complexities of life suck bad. It just rapes face.



Andito lang ako para sa inyong dalawa. I hope both of you know that.

Dreaming

The night sky is clear.

As a gentle breeze blows the fine blanket of fallen leaves, I feel my chest quiver. The faint rustle of leaves sounds like a small wave lapping on a rocky shore. Memories come back like they happened just minutes ago. Patterns emerge out of the darkness: patterns of tears; patterns of emptiness. Everything feels as if each is slowly settling into their proper corners of the sky, but I am still in the same spot, staring at the stars that continue to twinkle amidst the overpowering abyss that surrounds them.

Confusion fills me.
Sadness visits me.
Emotions leave me to a state of nothingness.
Cycles start to turn again.
I don't know what to do anymore.

The pain still throbs up to this very day, and no wonder why: I keep on holding to it, never letting it go, and never giving it time to heal. Time ticks by, and life goes on. The seconds elapse, the minutes pass, hours expire, and days turn into weeks. Months become years, and goes on forever until the end of time.

Life must go on.

Dreams within the still of night
On the wings of hope take flight inside me
There upon some distant shore
We want for nothing more
Than what will be
-- A Bride in Dream

Dream > Income

Hindi ko lang talaga alam kung bakit.

Nagsimula ang napakalakas kong pagnanasa na magtrabaho sa Timezone bilang isang mas mataas pa sa Customer Service Assistant noong malaman ko kay Ate Myles na natapos na ang kontrata ni Kuya Ryan sa Timezone sa may Gateway. Simula noon, hindi na naalis sa aking utak ang asul na uniporme ng mga tauhan sa Timezone. Tumatak na sa aking isipan ang mga dingding ng lugar na iyon. Tuwing hihinto ang panahon sa sarili kong mundo, biglang aandar sa aking mga ala-ala ang mga oras na kung saan napapalibutan ako ng mga hiyaw na nagmumula sa dose-dosenang arcade machine na ibinabaon ang aking mga problema sa isang panandaliang panibugho ng katotohanan at buhay. Bigla ko na lang masasalat ang aking Powercard sa kaliwang bulsa ng aking maong na kupas, at magsisimula ang tila isang hindi totoong pagsulong papunta sa maliit na piraso ng katahimikan.

Hindi ko na talaga alam kung bakit.

Ngayon, sa bugso ng mga malalaking kompanya na inaakit akong maging intern sa ilalim ng kanilang malahiganteng mga anino, nagsisimula nang mawangis ang dating napakatatag na determinasyon kong magtrabaho sa Timezone. Unti unti nang nagiging isang malaking katanungan ang aking kagustuhang magtrabaho sa lugar na puno ng ingay at saya. Isa-isang napundi ang napakaraming ilaw na pinanatiling maliwanag ang pangarap kong ito


hanggang ngayon.

Rudolf (1/23/2009 12:46:46 AM): eh kasi
Rudolf (1/23/2009 12:46:55 AM): napapaisip ako kung may career ba talaga ako sa timezone
Rudolf (1/23/2009 12:49:20 AM): kasi alam mo yun?
Rudolf (1/23/2009 12:49:31 AM): parang yung mga inaaplyan ko for ojt parang ang big time talaga
Rudolf (1/23/2009 12:49:40 AM): tapos kagaya nga ng sabi ni kuya joel sa akin
Rudolf (1/23/2009 12:50:00 AM): parang sa small time lang ako magtatrabaho?
Rudolf (1/23/2009 12:50:03 AM): i mean
Rudolf (1/23/2009 12:50:21 AM): gusto ko talagang magtrabaho doon
Rudolf (1/23/2009 12:50:33 AM): pero parang for how long?
Meki (1/23/2009 12:50:36 AM): dream > income
Meki (1/23/2009 12:50:42 AM): well para sa kin
Rudolf (1/23/2009 12:50:45 AM): yeah ako rin naman eh
Meki (1/23/2009 12:50:47 AM): hahaaha
Rudolf (1/23/2009 12:51:00 AM): ewan ko
Rudolf (1/23/2009 12:51:09 AM): may isang taon pa naman ako para pag-isipan lol

Pero sa totoo lang, gusto ko pa ring magtrabaho doon. Kahit tutol si Mamie, kahit hindi na ako kilalanin ni Dadee

sa ngayon, gusto ko pa ring magtrabaho doon.





Hindi naman masamang managinip ng gising, hindi ba?

Rain, Rain, Please Go Away

After recovering from the sickness that pinned me inside the house for two full days, my sister finally allowed me to go to school today. I was pretty much excited and all, but as soon as I was ready to leave, the weather started to become unfriendly. A light drizzle was slowly falling down like a fine curtain as I woke up, but it turned into a nasty and violent fall of needles when I was prepped and ready to go.

It made me lose a whole portion of my eagerness. The wet weather doused the flame that once vigorously burned inside me. I indefinitely stared at the street as the countless spears of mercilessness continued to fall. I found myself slowly retreating, as if a terror only I could see was in front of me. I wanted to go back inside and sleep, and dream about that particular embrace that could make a second a lifetime and make the deep, freezing cold a warm and comforting radiance of security.

As I continued to trace back my steps and stare into the raining sky, I felt myself slowly losing my grip on reality. The anxiety of all my twenty years started to knock on my mind. It was weird. I was expecting something tormenting, but what came to me was something illogical. The sheer foolishness of it made me realize that my mind was walking the path towards insanity, or something like that. My anxieties were personified and formed a straight line that vanished in the horizon. As I looked at the place where the sun supposedly sets, I asked myself when would be the time I would be able to leave "here" and reach "there". Sometimes, the awful feeling that I place burden upon myself is far too much to handle. Everything seems to be always beyond the horizon, unreachable to me, but very much accessible to others.

It was one of those instances when my emotions spiral into confusion because of something petty.

But then again, I steeled myself and toughened my courage. I opened my umbrella, and treaded the wet streets as the skies continued to cry in their own sorrow...

...or perhaps weep in joy for my small victory.

In Three Days

In three days, a new year will begin.

Right now, I have a mind-splitting headache. I rarely have these things (literally) bothering my mind.

I went to buy some ingredients for my (failed) brownies. I stared at the clouds as the sun scorched my eyes. Up in the heavens I saw a great cat, and after a few moments, it became an enormous white dog, as pure as the fresh blanket of snow that covered the sleeping part of my brain.

A shudder coursed through my body. I chilled to an invisible jet of ice-cold air. My lungs started to cringe as it was slowly being killed by the air that stung my skin. It was as if my ribs would implode as my severely weakened muscles couldn't bear the pressure my body was succumbing to.

It was then I realized that I do not need someone or something to feel the security I'm desperately longing for.





I need to find myself first.







Now what?

In Four Days

In four days, a new year will begin.

I'm not looking forward to a new year. How is the new year any different from this year?

A friend of mine told me, "It's the choices that make us who we are, and we can always choose to do what's right."

Does he mean that I've been all wrong all along?

January made things turn to worse. He gave me something to look forward to, but I end up losing what was most important to me.

February gave me the kind of dangerous solitude I hate the most. Weird though as I am almost always attracted to the blind and empty freedom it promises.

March made me lose something, and that something will remain scratched in my memories forever.

June made me realize that I have been living for twenty years, but no one seemed to care but me.

July made me happy, but in the end, crushed my poor soul. I thought it was the beginning of a new life, however, it was the beginning of an end.

August and September crept up silently like the night sky. They barred any happiness and left me devoid of emotions.

October gave me a smile, only to painfully take it back as he left.

November told me that I am ready, only to be crushed again.

December embraces me in such a cold sorrow that I remain closed in the year that is to come.


Tomorrow brings new beginnings, but in reality, tomorrow is always a day away. No wonder it only gives people a fake sense of hope.

Shitty Feeling

I just can't comprehend my own self sometimes. No. I can't understand myself most of the time. The year will come to a close in less than two weeks, and I'm stuck here in yet another self-made void filled with nothing but shit. I don't know why this always happens when I find myself happy with the current state of things in my life. Maybe it's one of these sadistic mechanisms that live in my system that prepares me for something dark which is about to happen in the near future. Maybe I enter a state of emotional seesaws and unbalance to pad my fall into a disgusting brown splat rather than the loud cracking thuds I usually endure. I can blissfully tell myself that I am very much content with what is happening and with what I have now, but a rather malevolent part of my being constantly jets shit out of thin air to rot the precious happiness I am currently enjoying. It seems as if I myself is the one destroying my own happiness. Maybe being sad is really better than being happy since when one is sad, there is no other way but to be happy. When one is happy, there is no other way but to be sad. Isn't it more relieving to know that some day in the future, one will be happy, rather than one worrying about the future because of the anxiety of falling into depression eating up everything?

I just don't know.

I just feel shitty today. I feel possessed by something very, very violent. I want to fuck the world and everything free in it. I want to free all the oppressed farts inside the very reluctant rectums of stupid people who take pride in the size of their ego in contrast to that of their penis.

I just want to feel a secure sense of happiness.

Dream on, shitty ass. Dream on, sonuvabitch. That's what you always say, so that's the only thing you'll never, ever get.


I just finished a whole bowl of that shitty instant Chinese noodles worth P53.00 in 7-Eleven. It came with a century egg which tasted like a hundred-year-old rotten sock. I wanted to eat something warm because the air is so cold, so saturated with the nostalgic feeling of presents, and there is no one beside me to throw warm shit all over my entire being.

Shit this shitty feeling. I hate it. I hate it all.

Rudolf (Jan - Nov 2008 Ed)

There are always these times when one stops and thinks what life has given him or her. There are always these times when one stops, remains silent, and tries to figure out what he or she has done to say that they are truly alive.

Because I failed to fight a bout of extreme laziness, I ended up looking at the old photos in my phone. I was amused on how I looked before. My hair was once painstakingly styled to my desired appearance. I remember slowly combing my hair, and putting styling wax in my palms and carefully applying it to my coarse hair. I remember the citrus smell of the white wax that I applied on my hair before. The feel of a comb running though my hair is still vivid in my memories.

But now, I usually let Milai shave my hair to the length they call uno.

Somewhere, and somehow, things have changed.

But,
I am still getting tired of everything. In my desperate pursuit for security, happiness is always the price.


It was the price,
it is the price,
and it will be the price.

I'm just tired. Sorry.

A Crimson Tear Appears as Seven

A mirror shatters
As the faithful clock strikes seven.
A poor soul wanders,
Seeking refuge in lost heaven.

A wounded heart begins to beat
As the eternal clock strikes eight.
Darkness fails and light I meet:
As I unravel threads of fate.

A lifeless face wears a smile
As the infinite clock strikes nine.
The soul forgets all the guile
As I cross what was once the line.

Yet once again, all hope is lost
As the unholy clock strikes ten.
All the fondest memories tossed
As I leave to be forsaken.

Broken over and over and over
As the never-ending clock strikes eleven.
Peace sought escapes and dies in the never:
A crimson tear appears as seven.

Desperate Measures [Act V]

Putang ina. Tama nga ako. Sa tingin ko destined talaga akong maging masaya sa isang araw, tapos malungkot sa susunod na araw. Hindi pa nga eh. Destined ata akong maging lubos na masaya sa isang sandali, tapos bumagsak sa isang malubhang state of sadness sa mismong kasunod na oras. Nakakainis talaga. Kasalanan ko bang maisip habang ako'y masaya ang mga bagay-bagay na ikalulungkot ko? Lagi naman kasing nangyayari eh. Ito yung sinasabi kong

"How could something so right turn something so wrong in a span of an hour?"

At ang masama pa nito, miski paulit-ulit nang nangyayari ito sa akin, wala pa ring nagbabago sa akin. Tila ba hindi na ako natutuo sa mga nangyaring kinalungkutan ko o 'di naman kaya'y iniyakan ko. Ganun pa rin ang aking pagiging bukas sa mga maaaring mangyari. Lagi na lang kasi akong umaasa. Nakakairita.

Naiirita na ako sa aking sarili. Hindi ko magawang manatiling masaya sa kung anong meron ako dahil lagi ko na lang naiisip ang mga nasayang na pagkakataon na isinasampal sa mukha ko kung ano ang wala ako na gusto ko sanang magkaroon. Lagi na lang akong tinatamaan ng hyper slap combo in the face ni Life na tila ba laging namamantala ng ridiculously downed state ng aking whatever.

Nakakainis. I mean mas magiging ayos pa ako kung permanently sad na lang ako. Kasi naman ano, nakakainis maging masaya while at the back of your head, natatakot kang mawala ang happiness na meron ka as of the moment. Kaya nga hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit tumatayo ang tao pagkatapos nilang madapa. Kasi diba, tama naman yung logic ko na huwag na lang tumayo pagkatapos madapa kasi diba, kapag nasa sahig ka na, hindi ka na pwedeng madapa? Well I mean oo, mukha kang sirenang kakawag-kawag kapag nasa sahig ka lang, pero at least naman hindi ka na madadapa. Pwede kang maapakan, pero mas masakit madapa kasi. And I think it is much more better to stay in the ground when you know that when you get up, you'll just fall down again. Nakakainis naman itong si Life, kasi pagkatapos mong madapa at magdesisyong unti-unti nang tumayo sahil nasa lupa ka na for so long, papatirin ka ulit right after mong makatayo ng tuwid. Putang ina mo Life, mamatay ka na sana. You're so mean kasi.

Well, mabuti na rin siguro ang ganito. Hindi pa masyadong involved ang entire persona ko. Sina Levantine at Zweihander pa lang ang may alam sa kanya. Tsismis pa lang siya para kay Arenne. I know, like all others, this will pass. Lahat naman ng bagay, lumilipas. Lahat: yung paborito mong palabas tuwing gabi sa iyong favorite channel, isang putang inang semester na nakakaiyak dahil sa hirap sa Ateneo, isang araw na mainit at nakakainis dahil kwatro ka lang sa ten-point quiz mo sa theology, friendships miski na sinabi na sa iyo na best friend ka raw niya sa college, relationships, happiness, sadness, and even life. Putang ina mo Life. Sana lumipas ka na before I do para naman mamuhay na ako in peace. How ironic.

Putang ina mo kasi masyado kang mabait.
Putang ina mo kasi utu-uto ka.
Putang ina mo kasi sobrang desperado mo.
Putang ina mo kasi masyado kang umaasa.
Putang ina mo kasi tatanga-tanga ka kasi.
Putang ina mo kasi hindi mo kasi macontrol yang emotions mo.
Putang ina mo kasi putang ina ka.

Putang ina mo kasi ikaw ka.
Putang ina mo kasi si Rudolf ka, at dahil dun

putang ina mo.


Hay.

Hope can be the light amidst a seemingly eternal darkness, but
it can also blind a person after breaking the profound despair inside one's heart.

I think this is bad. Tatlong sunud-sunod nang Desperate Measures.

Desperate Measures [Act IV]

I will try to find solace and comfort in the things that make my life happy, and not to look at the things missing in my life that makes me sad...

But the thing is,

I am missing myself.

Am I?



I may be desperate for a meaningful answer,
but deep inside,

I know I can wait. I know I can.

A Candle in the Wind (A Memory Fades - Final Light)

November 1, 2008
Sta. Maria Public Cemetery, Sta. Maria, Bulacan

The unpredictable weather seemed to resume its usual dryness. The weather was such a friend as my cousins and I walked along the cramped street leading to the entrance of the public cemetery. The place had a very different feel from Loyola: it was robust, lively, and full of energy. It was a weird feeling. It was very strange to brush my arms with an endless array of strangers. It was very uncomfortable to see hundreds and hundreds of curious eyes taking a glimpse into the eyes of a person hailing from Manila. It was difficult to remain calm and collected as the innocent stares of passers-by became an invisible, immaterial ridicule to my tired and heavy eyes.

The agony did not stop there. Inside the cemetery, the heat was remarkably impossible. The cool air brushing about and the cloudy sky that curtained the intense heat of the sun seemed to have dissipated. The air became saturated with the mixed smell of dead flowers, wax, and human perspiration. Sweat started to trickle down my back as I started to realize the heat from the numerous candles planted in front of the nitsos and the heat from the huge amount of people cramming themselves into the white city of apartments with marble addresses. After a seemingly endless journey and after another hundred more people beaten by their curiosity, we arrived to where the ancestors of Mamie lay.

There was no place to sit. So I decided to shred a plastic bag, and sit on top of Lolo's nitso.

I was successful in establishing a nook for myself in that chaotic world, but I was unable to draw a separate peace to calm my inner self being tossed around by towering waves in the middle of a heaven-shattering sea storm.

Soon, the gray skies slowly turned into an unsure relative of purple. My back ached tremendously as kids climbed up the tallest apartments and made a playground out of the flat surfaces of other people's eternal peace. I watched them play, sing, joke around, and even dance to a beat I was deaf of. They watched in awe as the kingly presence of the betrayed sun withdrew and let the crescent moon and her darkness creep in silently. As the darkness slowly claimed her reign in the sky, the candles with all their memories made their presence more real. The candles made their presence more meaningful.

The candles burned vigorously and brightly as the sky became a deep ceiling of uncertainty. It was unnatural that all the candles, different in their shapes, sizes, and colors, seemed to be all the same to my eyes shrouded by confusion. They seemed to burn in a monotonous manner, as if all the wicks present in my vision were all chanting an unheard mantra which made me more and more desperate for answers. Distraught, confused, and feeling lonely, I gently tucked my legs closer to my body and embraced them as I tried to draw an empty sense of security from an evenly empty part of my being.

And just about that time, a strong force ravaged across the cemetery. A sudden burst of wind turned the monochromatic burn of the candles into an ocean of vermilion embers. The smell of forgotten memories coalesced about and condensed the air that filled my lungs. All candles died at the same moment as they burned all at the same time, and all at the same manner.



All,

except one.



Nanay, 83 ka na dapat ngayon kung hindi mo ako iniwan. Happy Birthday. I love you, at miss na miss ko na kayo ni Tatay.

Reality and Fantasy: at War

After defeating a kingdom's whole army and endlessly routing one enemy officer after the other, sleepiness came knocking on my tired eyes. After continuously firing arrows that split into massive shockwaves that stunned the enemy on the spot, I felt a bolt of sleepiness hit my impenetrable desire to play. The mighty swings of the Spirit Reaper and the alluring but deadly dances of Da Ji were defeated by the tired feeling that consumed me inside. It was time to leave the world Orochi had created to test his might against the heroes of history. The short arm of the clock at three and the long one at six bellowed a lullaby in irony. I had to go to sleep because if my parents were to catch me playing in such an unholy hour, I would be toast for good.

Still thinking about the game that I was playing for over two hours, I lied on my bed. Staring directly into the darkness where the ceiling painted like the sky was supposed to be, I kept thinking about Ina's fantastic attacks with her bow, Da Ji's chaotic disruption as she performs her attacks with her Spheres of Decay, and Orochi's massive pulse, flame, and lightning charge attack. I was silently washed away to the shores of sleep with these thoughts in mind. However, the calm crashing of the waves in the shoreline suddenly became a loud, dissonant noise that echoed infinitely into the remote distance.

Video games have always brought me a different kind of peace. The fragments of power and fantasy make me break free from the painful bonds of reality and bring me into a world where war and harmony exist side by side. It blinds the harsh realities that one has to face in life. The escape from reality that these games offer me has kept me sane in the rockiest rivers and roughest seas. However, one cannot escape reality as it always reveals itself to the consciousness of people. No matter how hard we try to run away from the real world, we still exist and move in real time and space. When we try to escape reality, we are simply deluding ourselves to a foolish sense of emancipation to freedom.

My mind suddenly went blank.

And then, it happened.



Masaya ba ako?



I have asked myself that question over and over again. But all I ever do is enter the fantasy world, hoping tomorrow will bring more enemies to knock out, more items to collect, and more strategies to foil. I simply load up a game and channel all my energies into completing the mission placed in front of me.

All I ever do is run away, once again hoping that tomorrow will be just the same as today.

A Crimson Tear Appears as Six

Solace found in inner peace,
What was lost seemed to be found.
A crying soul wanting to be free;
Eternity sadness surround.

Why is there happiness outside?
A smile always seen in your face.
Why is there loneliness inside?
Midnight tears flow without a trace.

Single?
Double?
Mingle?
Trouble?

In silence I find solace.
In darkness I find peace.
Sadness bleeds with the pain it inflicts;
A crimson tear appears as six.

Under a Starless Sky: Crimson Eclipse

Tita Nene died when I was two years old. I could hardly remember anything about her: I cannot recall her voice, the way she looked, the length of her hair, or even the smell of her perfume. She has always been just a beautiful lady in the picture in the room directly above mine. My parents had told me that she fondly called me "Ongpong," her favorite nephew. They said she treated me as if I was her own child, but sadly, my memory as a two-year-old simply cannot remember.

Yesterday was her 18th death anniversary. As always, we went to visit her in Loyola.

We bought her white orchids. I cannot exactly recall, but I know that her favorite color was white. Nanay liked green, while Tatay liked blue, if I remember right.

O, 'lina kayo. Magdasal na tayo.

As they made the Sign of the Cross and started to utter the Our Father, I stepped back a few paces. I looked at Tita Nene's name engraved on the marble. For some reason, I felt different. I have been looking at the same grave marker for three years now (since it was changed when Nanay passed away three years ago). I have been looking at the same name for eighteen years, but it was during that time I felt different. Somehow, I felt a happy embrace protect my whole being, but within that embrace lied a sorrow loneliness. I didn't know how my feelings came to that unusual conglomerate, but it made me look up at the sky covered in a thin sheet of misty clouds.

Tita Nene... Kumusta na kayo diyan nina Nay at Tay?

The afternoon sun and the ephemeral clouds coalescenced into a yellow figure in the distant horizon. The beautiful sight kept me in a trance of idleness. My mind felt blank, my body felt blank, and worst of all, my heart and feelings felt blank.

Rudolf, halika na!

The golden figure in the distant horizon had changed, me unaware of it. It has turned into a fiery blaze burning and ravaging the peace in the sky. It was like a hell in heaven, a fragment of sorrow inside paradise.

Tita Nene, bakit ba ang lungkut-lungkot ng pakiramdam ko? Bakit ba napaka-lonely ng feeling ko miski na marami akong mabubuting kaibigan at masaya naman kasama kahit papaano sina Mamie, Dadee, Kuya, at Ate?

The flames in the sky claimed my peace and burned it selfishly away. As I stared at Tita Nene's name engraved on their marker, I tried to search for the answer deep inside my heart.

And it was that time
that I reallized that my heart was the problem.

The crimson eclipse that astonished me probably burned the happiness I keep on searching. The vibrant flames of that conflagrant sea kept burning my hands whenever I tried to reach a happy memory. Everything seemed so near, but everything felt so distant, far away beyond the ardent horizon.



Again, I am left under a starless sky, silently persevering to find what is missing.

Maelstrom

mael - strom [mehl-strhu m]

-noun

1. a large, powerful, or violent whirlpool.
2. a restless, disordered, tumultuous state of affairs: the maelstrom of early morning traffic.
3. (initial capital letter) a famous hazardous whirlpool off the NW coast of Norway.

---

Maagang natapos ang aking klase kahapon. Maligaya akong sumakay pauwi dahil wala kaming Hi165 sa Huwebes dahil may pupuntahang talk si Fr. Arcilla. Sinabi ko sa sarili ko na unti-unti ko nang nagugustuhang muli ang pumasok sa may Katipunan dahil na rin hindi ko na masyadong nararamdaman ang tawag ng katamaran. Nagigising na rin ako ng kusa tuwing umaga -- ako pa nga mismo ang gumigising sa selepono kong antukin. Nalabanan ko rin kasi ang laban ng aking katawang hindi pumasok dahil bangag na bangag pa ang aking sistema sa pagpupuyat. Mahaba ang naging bakasyon ko: walang pasok noong nakaraang Biyernes dahil Teacher's Day sa Ateneo, at isinuspindi ang klase sa lahat ng antas ng paaralan sa kalakhang Maynila noong Lunes.

Noong Linggo, inaantabayanan namin ni Ate ang balita ukol sa suspensyon ng mga klase. Hindi maganda ang lagay ng panahon. Malakas ang hanging rumaragasa sa mga lansangan. Hindi tumigil ang kalampagan sa bubong ng mga bunga ng puno ng abukado sa aming likuran. Hindi rin nanahimik ang malakas na bagwis buong araw. Magdamag binulabog ng huning nagiging nakakikilabot na sipol ang katahimikang hinahanap ng isang taong nais nang matulog. Matapos ang ilang sandali, lumabas na ang balitang walang pasok kinabukasan. Sa kaligayahang dala ng mga sandaling iyon, naglulundag ako dahil natupad ang aking inaasam. Sa katunayan, hinatak ko pa si Ate upang makilundag ayon sa aking kagalakan.

At sa ilang sandali, may humapyaw sa aking isipan: paano naman ang mga taong sinasalanta ng bagyong ito?

Ngunit patuloy pa rin ang aming kasiyahang tatalunin ang kahit na anong piging. Nagpalundag-lundag kami ni Ate miski na maraming nawalan ng mga tahanan, hanapbuhay, at pati na rin mga minamahal sa nagdaan na ilang araw.

Pagsapit ng Martes, sumikat na rin sa wakas ang araw. Muli ko na namang nadama ang init ng kanyang haplos matapos ang ilang araw ng maulap na kalangitan. Sa Ateneo, mistulang walang naganap na kahit na ano sa mga nakalipas na araw. Patuloy ang takbo ng mga klase, patuloy ang paglalakad at pagmamadali ng mga estudyanteng huli na sa kanilang klase, at patuloy ang nakaririnding huni ng bell tuwing lilipas ang isa't kalahating oras. Walang nabago sa Ateneo: naroon pa rin ang lahat ng mga gusali, nanatiling matatag ang lahat ng mga punong mas matanda pa sa pinakamatandang taong kilala ko, nanatiling luntian ang Erunchun Field, at nanatiling nakatayo ang lahat ng poste ng ilaw sa may Parade Loop.

Tila walang nangyari sa Ateneo. Hindi, walang nangyari sa Ateneo, ang mundong aking ginagalawan araw-araw.

Ngunit bakit tila iba ang ipinapakita sa balita?

Umuwi ako sa ilalim ng katirikan ng araw. Pagod na pagod at basa ng pawis, pinara ko ang dyip patungong San Mateo at sinimulan ang aking lakad pauwi. Tila wala rin namang naiba sa Filinvest Access Road. Naroon pa rin ang mga makukulit na mga batang naglalaro sa tabi ng kalsada. Naroon pa rin ang mga lalaking walang suot na damit na pagala-gala kung saan saan. Nanatiling nakaparada ang mga sasakyang hindi ko alam kung ginagamit pa o hindi na. Nanatiling nakatayo ang mga bahay, tindahan, parlor, panaderya, bigasan, at mga water refilling station. Tila wala talagang naiba matapos ang apat na araw.

Matapos kong itulog ang puyat na nagpabigat sa aking mga matang pagod, binuksan ko ang aming computer upang mag-aral sa pagsusulit namin sa CS123. Matapos kong idikdik sa aking utak ang System Development Life Cycle at ang mga kaukulang functions at mga bahagi nito, sinilip ko ang blog ni Kuya Joms, at doon tumambad sa aking mga mata ang kanyang blog entry noong araw na iyon.

Hindi ko mapaniwalaan ang aking sarili na nagawa ko pang magtatatalon miski na sa isang dako ng Pilipinas, may pitongdaang nangagailangan ng saklolo at nagmamakaawang sagipin sila mula sa mga pangil ng kamatayan. Nagawa ko pang maging masaya miski na may pitongdaang pamilya ang kasalukuyang nagluluksa dahil nawawala pa ang kanilang mga mahal sa buhay. Tumindig ang lahat ng balahibo ko sa bawat salita ng post na ni Kuya Joms.

Pagod lang yata kasi ako. Kung anu-ano tuloy ang aking naiisip.

At sa kung anong dahilan, binasa ko rin ang blog entry ni Matt sa kanyang Multiply. Tungkol ito sa paghuhugas ng kanilang mga pinagkainan. Yun ang akala ko.

Hindi ko mapaniwalaan ang aking sarili na nagawa ko pang magtatatalon habang ang Block N, ang aking kinagisnang pamilya sa loob ng Ateneo, ay unti-unti nang nagkakawatak-watak. Ang Block N na kasama ko sa halos lahat ng maliligayang panahon ko sa Loyola Schools ay tila kumukupas na sa bawat pagpintig ng aking mga ugat. Lahat ng mga maliligayang sandali na kasama ko sila, tila yata hanggang doon na lamang. Hindi na yata madadagdagan pa ang mga hiyas ng ngiti at galak sa loob ng aking puso at isipan. Hindi ko mapaniwalaang nagawa ko pa rin maging masaya miski na unti-unti nang namamatay ang mga pagkakaibigang pinagkaingat-ingatan ko ng buong buhay ko. Bigla ko na lang naramdaman ang isang luhang gumugulong sa aking kanang pisngi.

Oo, pagod lang yata kasi ako.

At dala ng pagod na ito, mabilis akong nakatulog. Paglapat na paglapat ng aking pagod na likuran sa aking kama, tila nawalan na ako ng malay-tao. Sinabi ko pa naman sa aking sarili na baka hindi ako makatulog agad sa mga bagay na bumabagabag sa akin noong mga sandaling iyon, ngunit nagkamali pala ako sa aking akala.

Ngunit sana, hindi na lang pala ako natulog.

Sa isang lumulubog na barkong ako ang kapitan ko nakita ang nakasisindak na pagkamatay nila, silang mga taong itinuri kong matatalik kong kaibigan. Tagos na tagos sa marurupok kong buto ang kanilang mga tili, pag-iyak, at paghihirap habang unti-unti silang nilalamon ng itim na karagatan. Pilit ko silang inaabot gamit ang aking mga brasong hinang-hina na, ngunit laging may isang bulusok ng tubig na papasok sa aking bibig at susunugin ang lalamunan ko sa tindi ng alat nito. Laging may sasampal sa aking malaking alon, bubulagin ang aking pagud na pagod na mga mata, at ipatitikim sa akin ang lasa ng kamatayan ng aking mga kaibigan.

Nagising ako ng mga bandang alas-tres at kalahati ng madaling araw. Nagising akong basang-basa sa pawis at lumuluha. Ginising ako ng isang bangungot na sana'y manatiling bangungot na lamang.

Paulit-ulit pa rin ang mga pangyayaring ito sa aking isipan. Hindi ko maalis sa aking isipan ang panaginip na ginising ako sa katotohanan.

Ngayon, tinatanong ko sa aking sarili kung tama bang nagising ako, o kung sana'y nalunod na lang din ako kasama nila.


Nagpapaumanhin ako sa mga naglathala ng mga akda sa paglink ng kanilang gawa nang walang kaukulang pagpapaalam.

Searchlights

You are, for contradiction's sake, everything I remember that I swore I'd forget.

I promised Melody Kay that I'll be posting this in my blog today.

I also dedicate this to all the people who have fallen in love and get hurt in the end, but always keeps a small fragment of that love no matter how wrong everything gets or how painful life turns out to be. To all you people, keep on holding on, because that day will eventually come when you will finally meet the one.

This is from "Searchlights" performed by David Cook.

Searchlights - David Cook

A Crimson Tear Appears as One

One cannot help but to look back at events which had transpired in your seemingly finite space and time. One continue on living their life to the fullest, placing aside growing doubts about the future because of a wounded past. Looking at the ebony sky studded with the small lights of the countless stars, a person could dream of an infinite existence wherein everything is perfect, everything is happy, and everything and everyone are slowly weaving their own blankets of security with their own threads of fate. Time surges forward in the glimpse of a moment's existence, and then, all chaos breaks loose. The smiles of everyone suddenly disappears, and the lights shining suddenly turn black as all happiness is lost.

At an interval of a second, every dream and every reality which has been created has been destroyed by a force unknown to everyone. As a lone crimson tear falls down into twilight seas, time suddenly stops. Sadness covers the warmth of the sun's rays and poisons everything it touches and leaves within its mystifying wake. The world, at a sound of a heartbeat, suddenly turns as dark as the depths of despair and as cold as the embrace of being alone. The cogs of destiny remained in an infinite state of stasis, sustaining all the tears welling up in everyone's eyes and all the sighs being uttered by everyone's exhausted souls.

Fate seems to be cruel.

Humans say they are the poorest creatures when deep and inescapable sadness befalls them, and yet humans are also the ones only capable of the most evil and heartless of things.

A soul brave enough to stand against time rises above all others. Strengthening its resolve to save all the remaining hopes and wishes each kindled in their hearts, the soul pushes a titanic gear all by himself. He bore the seemingly impossible task by himself. But true enough, fate started to move again, and destiny started to resume its course.

The soul goes unnoticed. Everyone else regains their lost vitality and starts to look upon the stars again once more. This time, a streak shines across the night sky wished upon by the hopeless to regain strength. The stars answered their selfish desires. The soul which bravely and silently pushed time back into its track slowly lost all its memories. Slowly, life trickled out from his poor soul, until nothing was left of him but a fragment of light. He became one of the stars that the other souls kept praying on for strength. That time, he did not understand why that has to happen to him. He cannot keep his tears from welling up in his eyes. It seemed that his destiny was over, and time will stagnate leaving him in that agonizing state of sorrow and despair.

And then, a lone crimson tear falls from the midnight sky and into the twilight night...

---

"The greater the hope, the grater the despair. Believing in someone is something only foolish people do."
- Keough in Ragnarok the Animation

Why?

Yes, I woke up with a very different notion of "today" and "tomorrow" yesterday morning.

I do not exactly remember me thinking about monotonously depressing things that have happened in the past. I remember thinking about vector scaling as I closed my eyes and entered sleep. I don't know why I woke up yesterday morning with a familiar, depressing feeling of a burdened chest and a mind riddled with questions best left unanswered. I opened my eyes to one of those days that seemed the last. Putrid air reeking with a bleak tomorrow once again filled my helpless lungs, but there was nothing I could do but inhale the venom that poisoned me before. Gravity slowly won against my futile attempts to straighten up. My vision was blurred once more, as I did not recognize the unhappy face that stared back to me as I stood without confidence in front of the mirror.

I recognize this feeling.

I thought it was over. I knew it was over.

I don't want to be friends with them anymore. Maybe the pain I felt killed every single happy memory inside of me, and turned them into depressing shards of my life that ironically made me overcome sadness and deep despair. But the thing is, I cannot seem to let go of all the moments that we were together, happy and content with the company of each other. I cannot seem to let go of even a single one. Even if I try and try not to, those memories keep visiting my tired imagination over and over. My existence phases in and out of depressed conscious thought and oblivious tranced unconsciousness once again. My tears well up again since now, I struggle with myself not to feel any hatred since I was the one who committed the mistake that toppled everything.

Maybe I still want to become their friend. But maybe I hate them since they made me hate myself. I don't know.





I DON"T KNOW!




I am trapped within a new stasis of consequence. I did not choose to fall into another gorge of sorrow.

Why?

Embracing What Your Heart Believes In (Beginnings and Endings Under a Starless Sky: Crisis Point -- Final Stasis)

I was getting used to the overwhelming noise and disturbing thoughts my mind races through everyday, especially when I lay on my bed, trying to get some sleep. There were a series of truths that were revealed to me over these past two weeks. Those truths were truths that I know, but have been kept astray for some reason the past kept on holding on tightly. After a whole week of sleepless nights and 18-hour struggles, I woke up with a clear mind. The silence was deafening. It was then that I asked myself if I was really letting go.

A part of me remained crying.

A part of me felt everything will be alright.

A part of me consumed itself with anger.

I talked with a best friend of mine since high school. It was something he said that made me feel this way.


Ang best friends..kahit na anong sobrang laki ng problem nyan
BEST FRIENDS pa rin


I was keeping myself distracted with all my might for me not to think about this. Now, I am trapped once again in between the walls of consequences, reality, happiness, and dreams. Inside that windowless room, I keep asking myself what I'm supposed to do. Should I let go and fight with all my remaining will power the feelings of hatred slowly consuming a part of me? Should I act as if nothing is wrong and everything is fine, even if deep down inside, it isn't? Or should I let go but keep all the memories? But in any case, the future looks bleak. My strength has become my weakness as well.

I texted someone on how a person could forget something easily. He told me that forgetting about two important people and all the memories with them would take some time. He asked me why I want to forget them. I told him that the memories that made me stand up every time I fell and made me happy were now making me fall down and sad. It was like the feeling of someone really close to you leaving and not coming back without saying goodbye. He told me to still cherish everything as those memories still continue to be a source of strength through the most difficult of times.

I didn't understand what he meant. How could that happen if each and every time I reminisce those memories, sadness fills me? But I kept searching, I kept hoping, and I kept believing. I kept on intangibly embracing those memories and hopelessly believing on a tomorrow where everything and everyone will be happy again.

Maybe that was what he was trying to tell me all along.

---

As I pushed against the walls of the dark, shrinking, windowless room I was a prisoner of, I felt something uneven bruising one of my palms. I lifted my palm, and a faint ray of light broke the darkness. There was a tiny hole in the room I was confined in. I looked in that tiny hole, and suddenly, each and every memory that I cherished filled my mind and my whole body. I suddenly felt a gentle breeze envelop me in its comforting warmth. I closed my eyes tightly as I embraced what my heart has been believing in.

I opened my eyes after a moment, and I found myself under a sky full of stars shining and twinkiling, a night sky full of happiness and promise. I stretched my arms to reach them, but I remained in the ground, unable to reach them. Those stars remained distant, and all I could do was to look at their light, persevering against the darkness of the silent night sky.