"Erroneous"

Levantine -- born from deep-seated resentment
Arenne -- born from yearning what is impossible
Zweihander -- born from what is sane, and born to stay sane

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In the short span of two hours, I was able to understand a probable reason for all the twenty years of my life. Due to my sheer desperation for an answer, I realized something important. The illogical made clear sense and my life was set before me. I am "erroneous" as I never had the chance to see what was right.

I never had the lasting notion of a supportive family when I was little. I never really did not understand what it meant to be a man, and what it took to be one.

I never really knew how it was to grow up not "erroneous". There wasn't anyone at home to teach me how. Dadee was working in Saipan. Mamie was working in a company specializing in washroom care, and she was the division manager. Ate and Kuya had to go to school. All that was left at home was Nanay, Tatay, and probably our househelp who I cannot remember anymore.

Back then, I would only just watch Cedie ride his white stallion across the grounds of his palace. I would intently watch him everyday as the yellow curtains ruffled in my back. Nanay and Tatay would stay in their house as they watched their noontime shows and afternoon soap operas. They taught me a lot of things. I was happy since even if everyone else was away, Nanay and Tatay were there. They both showed their parental devotion and guided me as I grew up. I felt the love of a real mother as Nanay embraced me when I cried, and I felt I had a real father when Tatay took care of me when I fell sick. At least, for a short time, I felt I had a family.

But yes, like all things, I took both of them for granted.

Time quickly passed, soon, Dadee returned from Saipan. That time, he was just a person in a picture. I never really remembered his face, the feel of his hands when he carried me when I was still little, and the feeling of his embrace when he lulled me to sleep as a baby. I always felt distant to Dadee. I can't blame myself since I treated Tatay as my father, and I can't blame Dadee since he needed to work, and Saipan was such a big break for his profession. Time quickly passed, and so did the life of Tatay. I cried the moment I realized that I won't have a father figure sleep beside me every night. Nanay showed her courage, but eventually, her sorrow was too powerful for her to stop.

I hated Tatay for leaving Nanay alone. I hated him for leaving me alone. Who was I supposed to look up to?

Dadee.

I tried to attach my yearnings for a father to Dadee. I tried my best.

But..

You can't blame an innocent kid to stop and think why he was flying his kite alone while his friends were having the best time of their lives with their fathers. You can't blame a kid tremble in fear while his classmates ran to the embrace of their fathers during ghost stories. You can't blame a curious child to ask why he was alone in his tent, while the others slept beside their fathers and embraced each other. You can't blame the same kid that he cannot write anything about his father who was away for so long. You can't possibly expect to make the kid understand why things are like so. His world is too simple for a complex thing like that. You can't blame the kid since he tried his best to look happy and fearless, even if he was crying inside and deeply yearned for his father. You can't blame him since he kept it all inside.

I thought this was the reason why up until now, I am looking for a father figure. As a kid, I was left to fend for myself in the world who deeply despised the "erroneous." My feelings spiraled out of my poor control as my cousins generously crushed my poor self-esteem into bits. I tried to hide in the shadow of my brother, but yes, he remained particularly distant to me as well. Little by little, because of my desires for a father, I grew astray from the feelings of my family. I put up a mask of happiness when I'm with them to hide the broken feelings of a child who lost his father and his guide. I wear this mask everyday so that their own individual notion of a "family" doesn't get clouded by the destroyed image residing in my mind. As persons I live with and as friends, I love them with all my heart. But not as a "family".


I wear a mask

to hide my resentment to Dadee, because he did not embrace me even once.
to conceal my mixed feelings to Mamie, because all I do is understand her feelings.
to erase my anger to Kuya, because he grew up to be normal, and not "erroneous" like me.
to hide my emotions to Ate, because I want her to be happy.

to subdue myself from bursting into tears I am now aware of.


All I want is to feel again the security of having someone to call "daddy." All I want is to be confident in facing the world because I have a daddy that I can run to, and feel safe, secure, and sound in his endearing embrace.

But maybe it's too late now.


Tatay, sorry kung naging ganito ako. Ikaw naman kasi eh, ang aga mo namatay. Iniwan mo kami ni Nanay dati. Ngayong wala na rin si Nanay, iniwan niyo akong mag-isa. Pero sana masaya na kayo diyan kung nasaan man kayo. Nanay, Tatay, I love you. Alam kong alam niyo yun miski hindi ko sinasabi dati. Miss ko na kayong dalawa.

Inggit

Aaminin kong naiinggit ako sa achievements ng iba.

Laging sumasayad sa isip ko na buti pa sila, nagagawa nila yung mga CS-related stuff. Ewan ko lang. Siguro dala na rin ito ng pagiging CS major ko. Tuwing nakikita kong may isang taong nagpoprogram o 'di naman kaya'y narinig na may nakatapos na ng isang project na kailangan ng programming, naiisip ko na buti pa sila, nagawa nila ang mga bagay na iyon. Naiisip ko na parang bale wala ang aking efforts kung ikukumpara sa mga accomplishments ng iba. Hindi ko naman ito nararamdaman dati, ngunit ngayon oo. Ang masama pa nito, pati ang mga kaibigan ko ay kinaiinggitan ko na rin. Kung dati rati'y masaya ako para sa mga naaabot nilang mga goal sa kanilang buhay, ngayon, masaya pa rin naman ako, yun nga lang, may kasama nang self-interrogation na nagdudulot ng malalim na pag-iisip at malaking damage sa personal ego and self-esteem.

Siguro dala lang ito ng aking three-month bout of chronic depression. Hindi ko alam.

Nalulungkot ako tuwing naiisip ko ito.

Nakalulungkot na nag-aaral ng java programming na cellphone ang platform ang isa kong kaibigan, habang ako ay naglalaro ng Warriors Orochi. Pinag-aaralan niya kung papaano gumawa ng Snake na game, habang pinapatay ko si Lu Bu gamit si Xing Cai na Lv. 82 na. Nakalulungkot na simple lang pala ang madetect ng PC ang cellphone mo. Hindi ko na alam kung ano na ang nangyayari sa akin kung bakit nagkakaganito na ako. Marahil nagiging erroneous na ang aking SPA (Self-Praise Apparatus, kung nakalimutan mo na). Ewan ko. Ay, hindi ko alam pala. Natutuwa pa rin naman ako para sa kanila dahil ang galing nila, pero yun nga. Nalulungkot ako habang natutuwa para sa kanila. Ang labo.

Pero naiisip ko naman na magaling naman ako sa ibang mga bagay kahit papaano. Yun nga lang, hindi iyon ang mga bagay that matters most ngayon or will matter in the future. I mean, hindi naman maaaring sabihin sa iyong job interview sa isang game development company na "I'm pretty good at rhythm games." Well, it might, kasi pwede akong maging tester or something. Pero hindi lang ganoon kasimple ang naiisip ko. I hope this doesn't spiral out of control once more. I don't want friendships to be tested anymore because I don't want to find out that there wasn't any friendship at all.

Ngayon, pumapasok na naman sa isip ko na lumayo muna sa mga taong ito para naman matalian ko muna ng miski tissue paper man lang ang aking self-esteem. Pero ayaw ko nang maging malungkot na naman. Hay ewan ko naman talaga, bakit ba kasi lagi na lang ganito?

Alam kong kailangan kong hindi ikumpara ang sarili ko sa mga nagagawa ng kahit na sinong tao. Pero wala naman akong ginawang iba eh. Bigla ko na lang naramdaman ang ganitong bagay sa mga taong matatawag kong naging mga best friend ko.







Hala.

"Bigla ko na lang naramdaman ang ganitong bagay sa mga taong matatawag kong naging mga best friend ko."

Naging? Bakit naging? Naging as in an action of the past?

Ano na bang nangyari sa akin.

Well, at least natapos ko na yung Evil-Dog - The Quest of Your Life [Easy] by Zweihander. Papaganahin ko na lang si SPA para naman I won't feel too bad na the world doesn't care na natapos ko na yung beatmap na yan.

Sabi nga ni Nagamasa Azai sa kanyang SSST: Huhh ha hahh! Believe!

PUTANGINA System

Nadiscover ko ang Personal UTilities ANd Generally INtrinsic Apparatuses, or ang PUTANGINA System habang ako ay naglalakad kanina na masayang kumakain ng P5.00 worth of spanish bread. Malamang, kasama na rin ito ng mahigit na isang buwan ng alam-mo-na-kung-ano-iyon.

Sa aking theory inspired by the cheapness of the spanish bread, ang PUTANGINA System ay inherent sa bawat isa sa atin. Iba-iba lamang ang capacities at limitations ng bawat utility o apparatus na kasama sa nasabing system sa bawat tao.

Ang PUTANGINA System, gaya ng nabanggit ko na, ay isang teorya lamang na nagmula sa margarine, asukal, tinapay, at isang buwan ng depression. Gaya ng lahat ng theories sa mathematics o kung saan mang specialization, kailangan muna itong mapatunayan bago masabing tama nga. Well, dahil walang scientific basis at hindi enough ang data ng PUTANGINA System para masupport ito, hindi na kinakailangang magpasa ng scientific paper sa kung saan mang scientific organization full of scientific people para mapatunayang totoo ang PUTANGINA System. Sa katunayan, isa lamang itong blog entry ng isang taong kakakain lamang ng spanish bread na mas maliit pa sa kanyang hinliliit.

Anyway, hindi ko pa lubusang naiintindihan ang PUTANGINA System, ngunit may mga findings ang aking study based on the cheapness of those spanish breads na nagtataka ako kung galing nga ba talagang Spain. Ang PUTANGINA System ay mainly composed of:

Self-Praise Apparatus (SPA)
Intelligence Utility (INUTIL)
Memory Retrieval and Application Engine (MEMORAPE)
Emotional Mechanism Utility (EMMY)
Emotional Board And Circuit-Breaking Synthesizer (EBACS)
Carnal Output Circuit Key (COCK)

Ang Self-Praise Apparatus
Mahalaga ang SPA. Malaki ang magiging damage sa self-esteem ng isang tao kung ito ay magiging erroneous. Ang pangunahing trabo ng SPA ay bigyan ang sarili ng maraming pat sa ulo o 'di naman kaya'y mga mahihinhing tapik sa balikat tuwing makakagawa ng isang bagay na maaari nang maipagmalaki sa ibang tao o miski sa sarili lang. Malaki ang nagagawa ng SPA sa ego ng isang tao dahil pinananatiling recognized ng SPA ang achievements ng isang tao, whether nadiskubre niya ang lunas sa cancer, nasagot niya ang lahat ng tanong sa programming varsity, o sa simpleng pagtatasa ng lapis o nasagot niya ng tama ang tanong sa history ni Miss Isa. Lalong tumataas ang pressure sa SPA tuwing makakasama ang isang tao na efficient ang INUTIL.

Ang Intelligence Utility
Paiba-iba ang INUTIL sa bawat tao. Iba't ibang klase rin ang INUTIL ng bawat tao. Ang INUTIL ng iba ay sobrang efficient na kaya nilang magmajor sa Computer Science at Applied Math in Finance na parehong honors courses. Ang INUTIL efficiency naman ng iba ay lumalabas sa kanilang mga obrang ikahihiya ni Mona Lisa, o sa mga kantang tumutunaw sa mga puso ng mga tagapakinig nito. Ngunit mas mahalaga pa rin ang SPA kung ikukumpara sa INUTIL dahil ang mga taong efficient ang SPA ay madaling maappease ang mga kagustuhan at kadalasan ay mapagkumbaba. Kuntento na ang mga taong maganda ang takbo ng SPA sa mga small things in life.

Ang Memory Retrieval and Application Engine
Ang MEMORAPE ang namamahala sa lahat ng memory retrievals, memory applications, at memory queries. Ang main component ng MEMORAPE ay ang hippocampus. Ang MEMORAPE ang nagsosort ng lahat ng alaala ayon na rin sa mga categories: academics, name-face recognition, mga telephone number ni Mr./Ms.X, mga nangyari kanina, mga nangyari kahapon, yung poem na minemorize mo, yung readings mo sa history, schedule mo, schedule niya, schedule nating lahat, at yung ginawa mo nung isang araw na hindi mo makakalimutan ever. Basta. Ang MEMORAPE ang namamahala sa lahat ng may kinalaman sa memory. To enhance the efficiency of MEMORAPE, uminom dapat ang isang tao ng Sustagen Premium at kumain ng leafy vegetables (although not tested, testers are most welcome).

Ang Emotional Mechanism Utility (Redundant)
Si EMMY ang namamahala sa emotional processes ng PUTANGINA System. Lahat ng mga processes na nararamdaman ng dibdib at puso ang pinakikialaman ni EMMY. Kung ang isang tao ay nagdadalamhati, nagluluksa dahil namatay ang kanyang kuko sa left hinlalaki, high dahil suminghot ng rugby, masaya dahil kasama ang lovey-dovey, asar dahil nakita ang batch loser noong high school, o hindi naman kaya'y simpleng masaya lang, si EMMY ang may gawa. May output din ang SPA kay EMMY: ang feeling ng contentment at simple happiness ay kadalasang dahil sa isang efficient na SPA na nirirelay ni EMMY ang sinasabi.

Ang Emotional Board And Circuit-Breaking Synthesizer
Paminsan, masyadong naooverwhelm ang system ni EMMY dahil sa severe depression or extreme mania. Dito na papasok ang role ng EBACS. Ito ang nagsisilbing fuse sa sistema ni EMMY. Pinuputol nito ang current state ni EMMY kung nakita nito na masyado nang peligroso ang lagay ni EMMY. Iba-iba ang danger zone ng EBACS ng bawat tao, at iba-iba rin ang recovery time ng EBACS. Kung hindi efficient ang lahat ng mga naunang systems, sobrang bagal ng recovery time ng EBACS. There is such person na isang buwan na, hindi pa rin normal, pero gusto na niyang maging normal, pero hindi niya magawa dahil napakaerroneous ng kanyang EBACS.

Ang Carnal Output Circuit Key
Kung efficient ang COCK ng isang tao, malibog siya. Horny, ika nga. Sa tingin ko, self-explanatory na ang COCK kaya hindi ko na ipapaliwanag pa.

Dahil ongoing ang research tungkol sa PUTANGINA System, malamang, hindi pa masyadong accurate ang mga detalye ng bawat parte nito. Malamang, hindi pa nadidiskubre ang lahat ng parte nito.