Levantine -- born from deep-seated resentment
Arenne -- born from yearning what is impossible
Zweihander -- born from what is sane, and born to stay sane
---
In the short span of two hours, I was able to understand a probable reason for all the twenty years of my life. Due to my sheer desperation for an answer, I realized something important. The illogical made clear sense and my life was set before me. I am "erroneous" as I never had the chance to see what was right.
I never had the lasting notion of a supportive family when I was little. I never really did not understand what it meant to be a man, and what it took to be one.
I never really knew how it was to grow up not "erroneous". There wasn't anyone at home to teach me how. Dadee was working in Saipan. Mamie was working in a company specializing in washroom care, and she was the division manager. Ate and Kuya had to go to school. All that was left at home was Nanay, Tatay, and probably our househelp who I cannot remember anymore.
Back then, I would only just watch Cedie ride his white stallion across the grounds of his palace. I would intently watch him everyday as the yellow curtains ruffled in my back. Nanay and Tatay would stay in their house as they watched their noontime shows and afternoon soap operas. They taught me a lot of things. I was happy since even if everyone else was away, Nanay and Tatay were there. They both showed their parental devotion and guided me as I grew up. I felt the love of a real mother as Nanay embraced me when I cried, and I felt I had a real father when Tatay took care of me when I fell sick. At least, for a short time, I felt I had a family.
But yes, like all things, I took both of them for granted.
Time quickly passed, soon, Dadee returned from Saipan. That time, he was just a person in a picture. I never really remembered his face, the feel of his hands when he carried me when I was still little, and the feeling of his embrace when he lulled me to sleep as a baby. I always felt distant to Dadee. I can't blame myself since I treated Tatay as my father, and I can't blame Dadee since he needed to work, and Saipan was such a big break for his profession. Time quickly passed, and so did the life of Tatay. I cried the moment I realized that I won't have a father figure sleep beside me every night. Nanay showed her courage, but eventually, her sorrow was too powerful for her to stop.
I hated Tatay for leaving Nanay alone. I hated him for leaving me alone. Who was I supposed to look up to?
Dadee.
I tried to attach my yearnings for a father to Dadee. I tried my best.
But..
You can't blame an innocent kid to stop and think why he was flying his kite alone while his friends were having the best time of their lives with their fathers. You can't blame a kid tremble in fear while his classmates ran to the embrace of their fathers during ghost stories. You can't blame a curious child to ask why he was alone in his tent, while the others slept beside their fathers and embraced each other. You can't blame the same kid that he cannot write anything about his father who was away for so long. You can't possibly expect to make the kid understand why things are like so. His world is too simple for a complex thing like that. You can't blame the kid since he tried his best to look happy and fearless, even if he was crying inside and deeply yearned for his father. You can't blame him since he kept it all inside.
I thought this was the reason why up until now, I am looking for a father figure. As a kid, I was left to fend for myself in the world who deeply despised the "erroneous." My feelings spiraled out of my poor control as my cousins generously crushed my poor self-esteem into bits. I tried to hide in the shadow of my brother, but yes, he remained particularly distant to me as well. Little by little, because of my desires for a father, I grew astray from the feelings of my family. I put up a mask of happiness when I'm with them to hide the broken feelings of a child who lost his father and his guide. I wear this mask everyday so that their own individual notion of a "family" doesn't get clouded by the destroyed image residing in my mind. As persons I live with and as friends, I love them with all my heart. But not as a "family".
I wear a mask
to hide my resentment to Dadee, because he did not embrace me even once.
to conceal my mixed feelings to Mamie, because all I do is understand her feelings.
to erase my anger to Kuya, because he grew up to be normal, and not "erroneous" like me.
to hide my emotions to Ate, because I want her to be happy.
to subdue myself from bursting into tears I am now aware of.
All I want is to feel again the security of having someone to call "daddy." All I want is to be confident in facing the world because I have a daddy that I can run to, and feel safe, secure, and sound in his endearing embrace.
But maybe it's too late now.
Tatay, sorry kung naging ganito ako. Ikaw naman kasi eh, ang aga mo namatay. Iniwan mo kami ni Nanay dati. Ngayong wala na rin si Nanay, iniwan niyo akong mag-isa. Pero sana masaya na kayo diyan kung nasaan man kayo. Nanay, Tatay, I love you. Alam kong alam niyo yun miski hindi ko sinasabi dati. Miss ko na kayong dalawa.
Arenne -- born from yearning what is impossible
Zweihander -- born from what is sane, and born to stay sane
---
In the short span of two hours, I was able to understand a probable reason for all the twenty years of my life. Due to my sheer desperation for an answer, I realized something important. The illogical made clear sense and my life was set before me. I am "erroneous" as I never had the chance to see what was right.
I never had the lasting notion of a supportive family when I was little. I never really did not understand what it meant to be a man, and what it took to be one.
I never really knew how it was to grow up not "erroneous". There wasn't anyone at home to teach me how. Dadee was working in Saipan. Mamie was working in a company specializing in washroom care, and she was the division manager. Ate and Kuya had to go to school. All that was left at home was Nanay, Tatay, and probably our househelp who I cannot remember anymore.
Back then, I would only just watch Cedie ride his white stallion across the grounds of his palace. I would intently watch him everyday as the yellow curtains ruffled in my back. Nanay and Tatay would stay in their house as they watched their noontime shows and afternoon soap operas. They taught me a lot of things. I was happy since even if everyone else was away, Nanay and Tatay were there. They both showed their parental devotion and guided me as I grew up. I felt the love of a real mother as Nanay embraced me when I cried, and I felt I had a real father when Tatay took care of me when I fell sick. At least, for a short time, I felt I had a family.
But yes, like all things, I took both of them for granted.
Time quickly passed, soon, Dadee returned from Saipan. That time, he was just a person in a picture. I never really remembered his face, the feel of his hands when he carried me when I was still little, and the feeling of his embrace when he lulled me to sleep as a baby. I always felt distant to Dadee. I can't blame myself since I treated Tatay as my father, and I can't blame Dadee since he needed to work, and Saipan was such a big break for his profession. Time quickly passed, and so did the life of Tatay. I cried the moment I realized that I won't have a father figure sleep beside me every night. Nanay showed her courage, but eventually, her sorrow was too powerful for her to stop.
I hated Tatay for leaving Nanay alone. I hated him for leaving me alone. Who was I supposed to look up to?
Dadee.
I tried to attach my yearnings for a father to Dadee. I tried my best.
But..
You can't blame an innocent kid to stop and think why he was flying his kite alone while his friends were having the best time of their lives with their fathers. You can't blame a kid tremble in fear while his classmates ran to the embrace of their fathers during ghost stories. You can't blame a curious child to ask why he was alone in his tent, while the others slept beside their fathers and embraced each other. You can't blame the same kid that he cannot write anything about his father who was away for so long. You can't possibly expect to make the kid understand why things are like so. His world is too simple for a complex thing like that. You can't blame the kid since he tried his best to look happy and fearless, even if he was crying inside and deeply yearned for his father. You can't blame him since he kept it all inside.
I thought this was the reason why up until now, I am looking for a father figure. As a kid, I was left to fend for myself in the world who deeply despised the "erroneous." My feelings spiraled out of my poor control as my cousins generously crushed my poor self-esteem into bits. I tried to hide in the shadow of my brother, but yes, he remained particularly distant to me as well. Little by little, because of my desires for a father, I grew astray from the feelings of my family. I put up a mask of happiness when I'm with them to hide the broken feelings of a child who lost his father and his guide. I wear this mask everyday so that their own individual notion of a "family" doesn't get clouded by the destroyed image residing in my mind. As persons I live with and as friends, I love them with all my heart. But not as a "family".
I wear a mask
to hide my resentment to Dadee, because he did not embrace me even once.
to conceal my mixed feelings to Mamie, because all I do is understand her feelings.
to erase my anger to Kuya, because he grew up to be normal, and not "erroneous" like me.
to hide my emotions to Ate, because I want her to be happy.
to subdue myself from bursting into tears I am now aware of.
All I want is to feel again the security of having someone to call "daddy." All I want is to be confident in facing the world because I have a daddy that I can run to, and feel safe, secure, and sound in his endearing embrace.
But maybe it's too late now.
Tatay, sorry kung naging ganito ako. Ikaw naman kasi eh, ang aga mo namatay. Iniwan mo kami ni Nanay dati. Ngayong wala na rin si Nanay, iniwan niyo akong mag-isa. Pero sana masaya na kayo diyan kung nasaan man kayo. Nanay, Tatay, I love you. Alam kong alam niyo yun miski hindi ko sinasabi dati. Miss ko na kayong dalawa.
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