Tatay, Miss na Kita

Why is it that you'll never know how important a person is to you until they're gone? Even if you know someone is important in your life, you will never really measure, if it is measurable, how valuable a person is to you. Is someone's worth measured by how frequently and how intense your longing is for that person? Is it a sign that a person is most dear to you if you yearn for their presence?

Today is Tatay's 12th death anniversary. He passed away when I was nine years old. He was fondly called Toyo by my family since almost always, he had those unexplainable fits -- toyo. I remember the same spot where I cried when we received the news on his passing. Nanay and I mourned as we gently gave him our flowers as he descended to the earth, to the arms of our loving creator. I remember the cloudy day of August 3, 1997, a day when a light drizzle became a heavy, short shower. It was a day when I saw Nanay cry silently as she looked up the sky and bade Tatay a final, endearing farewell.

Twelve years ago, I lost the person whom I called my father.

I lost the person I sought refuge to after a day full of teases and tears. I lost the person whom I told all my little victories, the small times I conquered the seas of my insecurites in my simple life back then. Twelve years ago, I lost a part of myself, never to be returned forever.

Here I am, standing incomplete under all the realities of life.

Tatay may no longer be here, but he'll be forever the one and only tatay for the rest of my life.


Tatay, masaya ka ba sa kung naging ano ako ngayon?
I love you Tatay. Sana masaya ka na ngayong magkasama na kayo ulit ni Nanay.

Ang Last Day ni Kuya Jhun

Isang buwan nang huli ang post na ito. February 8, 2009 natapos ang kontrata ni Kuya Jhun, pero ngayon ko lang magagawan ng post ang tungkol sa kanya.


Kagaya ng nakasanayan ko nang gawin, nagpunta ako sa Gateway matapos ang nag-iisang klase ko tuwing Martes. Hindi na ako kumain ng tanghalian dahil na rin nagtitipid ako. Hindi ako kumain noong araw na iyon para may pang-load ako sa Timezone dahil nga panandaliang nawala ang Student Promo nila dahil malapit na ang Christmas Break. Sayang kasi talaga. Ipakita mo lang ang ID mo kapag magpapa-load ka ng P200.00, at magiging P300.00 ang load mo. Hindi ako gastador na nauubos ko ang load na iyon sa isang araw, ang katotohanan niyan ay ipinagkakasya ko na ang load na ito sa loob ng dalawa hanggang tatlong linggo. Mahigpit na kung mahigpit ang sinturon ko noon, yun nga lang, sa Timezone.

At dahil sayang na sayang ako na wala na ang promong iyon, tinanong ko sa isang kuya doon kung ibabalik pa ba nila yung Student Promo ng Timezone.

Sir, sa isang taon na po. Isasabay po sa pasukan.

Oo nga naman.

Kinabukasan, sa rason na hindi ko na matandaan, nagpunta ulit ako sa Timezone. Nakasalubong ko si kuya na pinagtanungan ko noong nakalipas na araw, at sa isang hindi inaasahang pagkakataon, tumango siya noong nakita niya ako. Ngumiti na lang ako pabalik. Lumipas ang isang linggo, at nangailangan ko na ulit magpaload dahil P100.00 lang ang pinapa-load ko. Sa mga sandaling iyon, si kuya pala ang nakatoka sa Timezone sa Food Express, at sa kanya ako nagpa-load dahil gusto kong maglaro ng Tekken 6. Pagkatango niya sa akin at pagkangiti ko sa kanya, inabot ko na ang card ko kasama ang pera.

Sir, dagdagan ko kayo ng free game ha.

Natuwa ako dahil yun rin ang ginagawa ni Ate Myles kapag nagpapaload ako sa kanya.

Masayang-masaya akong naglaro ng PercussionFreaks 5th Mix. Pagkatapos noong una kong kanta doon, nilapitan ako ni kuya at inabutan ako ng higit sa limang Free Two Games na coupon.

Sir, eto o, free games pa.

At lalo pa akong naging masaya. Ang babaw kasi ng kaligayahan ko, at masaya ako na mababaw ang kaligayahan ko.

Simula noon, nag-usap na kami ni kuya tungkol sa kung anu-ano. Dahil isang linggo siyang toka sa ibaba, marami ring pagkakataon na nag-usap kami.

Kuya, Rudolf. Iniabot ko ang kamay ko.

Jhun.

Makalipas ng ilang linggo, naging mas personal na ang mga pinag-uusapan namin ni Kuya Jhun. Ikuwento niya sa akin na hindi siya nakapagtapos sa PMI dahil naging tambay raw siya ng bilyaran sa kanila. Dati raw siyang panadero, at naikwento niya sa akin yung dating nag-apply siya sa isang hotel bilang isang pastry chef. Nakakatuwa dahil parang natupad raw ang mga pangarap ni Kuya Jhun dahil kumpletong-kumpleto raw ang mga kagamitan sa hotel na sinubukan niyang pinasukan. Naikwento rin niya sa akin kung gaano kahirap ang trabaho doon sa Timezone lalung-lalo na kapag straight shift sila, ngunit kahit ganoon, gusto niya raw sanang doon na lang manatiling nagtatrabaho sa Timezone. Doon ko nakita na napakabait talaga ni Kuya Jhun, gaya nga nang sabi sa akin ni Ate Myles noong hindi pa tapos ang kontrata niya.

At lumipas pa ang ilang araw, doon ko na nalaman na isang napakarelihiyosong tao ni Kuya Jhun. Naging libangan raw niya rati ang pagbabasa ng Bibliya, at siya pa lang ang alam ko na nakabasa na ng buong Luma at Bagong Tipan. Ang dami niyang itinuro sa akin tungkol sa Diyos. Tinuruan niya ako ulit maniwala sa Panginoon at magpasalamat sa Kanya sa mga biyayang natatanggap ko sa araw-araw.

Dahil kay Kuya Jhun, muli kong naramdaman ang kapayapaang matagal ko nang hindi naramdaman sa pagdadasal ng taimtim at nang buong puso. Natuto ulit akong umasa sa mga magagandang umaga sa pagtatapos nang kahit na isang kalunos-lunos na araw.

Pero isang buwan na ang nakalipas mula natapos ang kontrata ni Kuya Jhun sa Timezone. Sa kasamaang palad, hindi na-extend ang kontrata niya doon at kinailangang magpaalam na. Halos tatlong linggo na rin ang nakalipas noong huli niya akong tinext na naghahanap siya ng trabaho sa may Ayala habang nakasakay sa dyip. Tinanong ko na rin sina Kuya Joel at Kuya Aries kung may balita ba sila kay Kuya Jhun, at sabi rin nila, hindi na siya nagpaparamdam.

Kuya, kung naasan ka man ngayon, maraming salamat. Hindi mo lang alam, pero ikaw ang isa sa mga taong nagpabago ng buhay ko. Mamimiss ko ang mga forwaded messages mo sa aking tuwing umaga. Ingat ka palagi, at sana, i-text mo ako kung kumusta ka na. Lagi kong ipagdadasal ang patuloy na mga biyaya para sa iyo at pamilya mo.

Ang Last Day ni Ate Myles

Matapos ang isang nakakapagod na araw sa school, kumain kami ng aking mga kaibigan sa Jollibee. Nakagawian na naming gawin ito matapos ang mga Martes at Huwebes na nakakalusaw dahil dirediretso ang aming mga klase. Kinakailangan pa naming tumakbo ng halos isa't kalahating kilometro sa pagitan ng aming mga klase dahil kung hindi, mahuhuli kami. Matapos ang isang araw na kung saan kinainisan namin ang layo ng CTC sa Bellarmine, nagpunta ako sa Gateway upang magsayang ng oras. Nakakatuwang isipin ngayon na kahit na gahul na gahol na ako sa oras dati, nagagawa ko pa ring magpunta sa Timezone para magliwaliw. Nagagawa ko pa ring maglaro ng Percussion Freaks at DrumMania miski na may deadline ako kinabukasan.

Tulad ng lahat ng bisita ko sa Gateway, lagi muna akong nagpupunta sa Timezone sa ibaba dahil kaunti lang ang tao doon. Doon, nakita ko ang isang staff ng Timezone na kinukulit ng isang batang paslit.

Ate, ate, swipe mo ako doon! Bilis!

Nakakatuwang panoorin ang batang iyon habang kinukulit ang babaeng staff. Ang kulitan nila ay nauwi rin sa pag-swipe ni Ate ng kanyang Staff Powercard sa ipinipilit noong batang maliit.

Naku bata ka, mawawalan ako ng trabaho sa iyo eh! Napahagikgik si Ate.

Matapos puntahan ang mga nagpaload, napadaan si Ate sa harap ko.

Kapatid mo? Sabay turo sa batang naglalaro ng skateboard.

Ay naku, hindi ano! Napapalo si Ate sa aking braso sa tawa.

Doon nagsimula ang aming pagkakaibigan ni Ate Myles. Simula noon, hindi ko pinalampas ang kahit na isang punta ko sa Gateway nang hindi ko siya nakakausap. Kung anu-ano ang pinag-usapan namin ni Ate Myles. Mula sa batang iyon na lagi siyang kinukulit, yung crush niyang nanakawan ng limang libo dahil aanga-anga, trabaho niya, pati na rin sa buhay pag-ibig ko. Siya kasi eh. Nakita niyang medyo malungkot ako, at miski itinanggi ko, hindi siya natinag sa kanyang nakita. Sinabi ko kay Ate Myles dahil nakita na rin naman niya, at medyo nalulungkot talaga ako noong mga panahong iyon.

Ay, talaga? Ganun ka?

Nakakatuwang kausap si Ate Myles. Lagi kasi siyang nakangiti miski alam mong pagod na siya sa trabaho niya maghapon. Tuwing kakausapin ko siya, hindi mawawala sa kanyang mukha ang ngiti. Tuwing may aasikasuhin siyang customer, para bagang lagi siyang puno ng sigla at saya. Tuwing pupunta ako sa Timezone sa Gateway, hinahanap ko palagi ang isang maliit na babaeng laging nakatali ang buhok na halos hanggang baywang, malalim ang mata, matinis ang boses, at laging nakangiti o tumatawa.

Yan si Ate Myles.

Nakalulungkot na hindi ako nakapagpaalam ng mabuti sa kanya kahapon. Nagkagulu-gulo kasi ang hindi ko ba alam kung ano. Nagkabulutong siya kaya nawala siya sa Gateway ng halos isang linggo. Noong Martes, nakita ko siya sa harap ng counter, nakatayo, at nakangiti.

Ang tagal mong nawala! Anong nangyari sa iyo? Bulutong!

Ikaw ha, nakikitsismis ka na rin!

Napatawa kami ng husto. Nalaman kong may bulutong si Ate Myles kay Kuya Jhun, at dahil isang linggo na rin siyang wala.

Dahil sasandaling panahon ko na lang makikita si Ate Myles, nagpunta akong Timezone kahapon, miski na hindi talaga ako pumupuntang Timezone tuwing Miyerkules. Sabi ni Ate Myles sa akin, last day na raw niya ngayong Huwebes, at opening shift pa siya. Nagkuwentuhan din kami tungkol sa kanyang bulutong at sa kagustuhan niyang bigyan ako nito, sa bulutong ko noong bata pa ako, kung saan siya nakatira, hanggang sa mga weekender at ang pagtatrabaho sa Timezone.

Kaya kanina, nagmadali akong pumunta ng Timezone dahil last day na ni Ate Myles. Pagdating ko doon, hindi ko siya nakita.

Kuya, andyan pa ba si Ate Myles? O nag-out na?

Ano sir, kahapon pa po siya natigil.

Ha?! Akala ko ngayon ang last day niya?

Hindi ko alam kung anong nangyari. Nalungkot ako dahil nangako ako kay Ate Myles na hahabulin kong makarating sa Timezone kanina bago mag-6:30ng. Nalungkot ako dahil hindi ako nakapagpaalam sa kanya ng maayos.

Nagpaikut-ikot ako sa Timezone habang iniisip kung ano nang nangyari kay Ate Myles. Hindi ko na alam kung saan siya magtatrabaho. Ni hindi ko na alam kung magkikita pa kami ulit kahit kailan. Napatitig ako sa dumidilim na kalangitan sa labas. Nakiusap ako sa langit na iyon na sana, ipadala kay Ate Myles ang aking pasasalamat dahil talagang naging masaya ako sa Timezone tuwing nakakausap ko siya. Paglingon ko, nakita ko si Kuya Jhun, nakatayo. Tumango siya sa akin noong nakita niya ako. Ngumiti ako, at nilapitan siya.

Kuya, kahapon pala ang last day ni Ate Myles...

Ha? Kahapon ba? Off kasi ni Kuya kahapon, sa aking pagkakaalam.

Nagmadali nga ako ngayon kasi ang sabi niya, ngayon daw ang last day niya eh.

Umalis sandali si Kuya dahil may kailangan siyang gawin. Bumalik naman siya agad.

Akala ko sa katapusan pa?

Yun din ang akala ko e. Pero kahapon daw ang last day niya, sabi ni Kuya doon.


Hay. Naman talaga.

Ate Myles, mamimiss kita. Ingat ka lagi ha. At kung saan ka man magtatrabaho, sana hindi mabago ang ugali mong nakakapagpagaan ng loob. Miski na hindi tayo naging talagang magkalapit na magkaibigan, isa ka sa mga taong hinding-hindi ko malilimutan kahit kailan. Hinding-hindi ko malilimutan ang araw na nagpakilala ako sayo at nakipagkamay. Hindi ko malilimutan ang sabay nating pagsigaw ng Aaaaaaaa! noong tayo ay nagkakilala sa pangalan.

Ingat ka lagi.

A Candle in the Wind (A Memory Fades - Final Light)

November 1, 2008
Sta. Maria Public Cemetery, Sta. Maria, Bulacan

The unpredictable weather seemed to resume its usual dryness. The weather was such a friend as my cousins and I walked along the cramped street leading to the entrance of the public cemetery. The place had a very different feel from Loyola: it was robust, lively, and full of energy. It was a weird feeling. It was very strange to brush my arms with an endless array of strangers. It was very uncomfortable to see hundreds and hundreds of curious eyes taking a glimpse into the eyes of a person hailing from Manila. It was difficult to remain calm and collected as the innocent stares of passers-by became an invisible, immaterial ridicule to my tired and heavy eyes.

The agony did not stop there. Inside the cemetery, the heat was remarkably impossible. The cool air brushing about and the cloudy sky that curtained the intense heat of the sun seemed to have dissipated. The air became saturated with the mixed smell of dead flowers, wax, and human perspiration. Sweat started to trickle down my back as I started to realize the heat from the numerous candles planted in front of the nitsos and the heat from the huge amount of people cramming themselves into the white city of apartments with marble addresses. After a seemingly endless journey and after another hundred more people beaten by their curiosity, we arrived to where the ancestors of Mamie lay.

There was no place to sit. So I decided to shred a plastic bag, and sit on top of Lolo's nitso.

I was successful in establishing a nook for myself in that chaotic world, but I was unable to draw a separate peace to calm my inner self being tossed around by towering waves in the middle of a heaven-shattering sea storm.

Soon, the gray skies slowly turned into an unsure relative of purple. My back ached tremendously as kids climbed up the tallest apartments and made a playground out of the flat surfaces of other people's eternal peace. I watched them play, sing, joke around, and even dance to a beat I was deaf of. They watched in awe as the kingly presence of the betrayed sun withdrew and let the crescent moon and her darkness creep in silently. As the darkness slowly claimed her reign in the sky, the candles with all their memories made their presence more real. The candles made their presence more meaningful.

The candles burned vigorously and brightly as the sky became a deep ceiling of uncertainty. It was unnatural that all the candles, different in their shapes, sizes, and colors, seemed to be all the same to my eyes shrouded by confusion. They seemed to burn in a monotonous manner, as if all the wicks present in my vision were all chanting an unheard mantra which made me more and more desperate for answers. Distraught, confused, and feeling lonely, I gently tucked my legs closer to my body and embraced them as I tried to draw an empty sense of security from an evenly empty part of my being.

And just about that time, a strong force ravaged across the cemetery. A sudden burst of wind turned the monochromatic burn of the candles into an ocean of vermilion embers. The smell of forgotten memories coalesced about and condensed the air that filled my lungs. All candles died at the same moment as they burned all at the same time, and all at the same manner.



All,

except one.



Nanay, 83 ka na dapat ngayon kung hindi mo ako iniwan. Happy Birthday. I love you, at miss na miss ko na kayo ni Tatay.

A Memory Fades (First Light)

October 31, 2008
Loyola Memorial Park, Marikina

The weather was harsh. The light drizzle that eased the unbearable heat that lasted for days became a heavy deluge of cold needles shooting down from the sky. The peaceful air of the resting places became a chaotic calamity-stricken world where rain was the ammunition and the slippery and wet grass was the devastating effect. The merciless break of the heavens sent hundreds and hundreds of candles of all shapes, sizes, colors, and scents into the grip of the darkness. It was ironic that the candles kindled for the dead were dying in their own, little way. Most candles left alone to fend for themselves were extinguished almost instantly.

But after a brief but intense shower, the skies cleared up. Stars soon peeked amidst the chilly night sky. The candles that remained lit slowly started to burn with a renewed vigor. I found myself transfixed to the beauty of a candle's flame as more and more candles slowly regained its warmth, and its memories. I was soon surrounded by the warmth of an unknown presence as I sat silently under an old, old tree. It was the same tree that saw me burst into tears when I failed to keep all of my sadness to myself as we lowered Tatay to his final resting place. It was also the same tree which witnessed all my sorrow and tears when we were to bring Nanay to where Tatay and Tita Nene was. And I am pretty sure that was the same tree that watched an innocent kid wondering what was happening around him.

Then, it started to rain once again, as if the heavens understood what I was trying to say.

Under a Starless Sky: Crimson Eclipse

Tita Nene died when I was two years old. I could hardly remember anything about her: I cannot recall her voice, the way she looked, the length of her hair, or even the smell of her perfume. She has always been just a beautiful lady in the picture in the room directly above mine. My parents had told me that she fondly called me "Ongpong," her favorite nephew. They said she treated me as if I was her own child, but sadly, my memory as a two-year-old simply cannot remember.

Yesterday was her 18th death anniversary. As always, we went to visit her in Loyola.

We bought her white orchids. I cannot exactly recall, but I know that her favorite color was white. Nanay liked green, while Tatay liked blue, if I remember right.

O, 'lina kayo. Magdasal na tayo.

As they made the Sign of the Cross and started to utter the Our Father, I stepped back a few paces. I looked at Tita Nene's name engraved on the marble. For some reason, I felt different. I have been looking at the same grave marker for three years now (since it was changed when Nanay passed away three years ago). I have been looking at the same name for eighteen years, but it was during that time I felt different. Somehow, I felt a happy embrace protect my whole being, but within that embrace lied a sorrow loneliness. I didn't know how my feelings came to that unusual conglomerate, but it made me look up at the sky covered in a thin sheet of misty clouds.

Tita Nene... Kumusta na kayo diyan nina Nay at Tay?

The afternoon sun and the ephemeral clouds coalescenced into a yellow figure in the distant horizon. The beautiful sight kept me in a trance of idleness. My mind felt blank, my body felt blank, and worst of all, my heart and feelings felt blank.

Rudolf, halika na!

The golden figure in the distant horizon had changed, me unaware of it. It has turned into a fiery blaze burning and ravaging the peace in the sky. It was like a hell in heaven, a fragment of sorrow inside paradise.

Tita Nene, bakit ba ang lungkut-lungkot ng pakiramdam ko? Bakit ba napaka-lonely ng feeling ko miski na marami akong mabubuting kaibigan at masaya naman kasama kahit papaano sina Mamie, Dadee, Kuya, at Ate?

The flames in the sky claimed my peace and burned it selfishly away. As I stared at Tita Nene's name engraved on their marker, I tried to search for the answer deep inside my heart.

And it was that time
that I reallized that my heart was the problem.

The crimson eclipse that astonished me probably burned the happiness I keep on searching. The vibrant flames of that conflagrant sea kept burning my hands whenever I tried to reach a happy memory. Everything seemed so near, but everything felt so distant, far away beyond the ardent horizon.



Again, I am left under a starless sky, silently persevering to find what is missing.

"Erroneous"

Levantine -- born from deep-seated resentment
Arenne -- born from yearning what is impossible
Zweihander -- born from what is sane, and born to stay sane

---

In the short span of two hours, I was able to understand a probable reason for all the twenty years of my life. Due to my sheer desperation for an answer, I realized something important. The illogical made clear sense and my life was set before me. I am "erroneous" as I never had the chance to see what was right.

I never had the lasting notion of a supportive family when I was little. I never really did not understand what it meant to be a man, and what it took to be one.

I never really knew how it was to grow up not "erroneous". There wasn't anyone at home to teach me how. Dadee was working in Saipan. Mamie was working in a company specializing in washroom care, and she was the division manager. Ate and Kuya had to go to school. All that was left at home was Nanay, Tatay, and probably our househelp who I cannot remember anymore.

Back then, I would only just watch Cedie ride his white stallion across the grounds of his palace. I would intently watch him everyday as the yellow curtains ruffled in my back. Nanay and Tatay would stay in their house as they watched their noontime shows and afternoon soap operas. They taught me a lot of things. I was happy since even if everyone else was away, Nanay and Tatay were there. They both showed their parental devotion and guided me as I grew up. I felt the love of a real mother as Nanay embraced me when I cried, and I felt I had a real father when Tatay took care of me when I fell sick. At least, for a short time, I felt I had a family.

But yes, like all things, I took both of them for granted.

Time quickly passed, soon, Dadee returned from Saipan. That time, he was just a person in a picture. I never really remembered his face, the feel of his hands when he carried me when I was still little, and the feeling of his embrace when he lulled me to sleep as a baby. I always felt distant to Dadee. I can't blame myself since I treated Tatay as my father, and I can't blame Dadee since he needed to work, and Saipan was such a big break for his profession. Time quickly passed, and so did the life of Tatay. I cried the moment I realized that I won't have a father figure sleep beside me every night. Nanay showed her courage, but eventually, her sorrow was too powerful for her to stop.

I hated Tatay for leaving Nanay alone. I hated him for leaving me alone. Who was I supposed to look up to?

Dadee.

I tried to attach my yearnings for a father to Dadee. I tried my best.

But..

You can't blame an innocent kid to stop and think why he was flying his kite alone while his friends were having the best time of their lives with their fathers. You can't blame a kid tremble in fear while his classmates ran to the embrace of their fathers during ghost stories. You can't blame a curious child to ask why he was alone in his tent, while the others slept beside their fathers and embraced each other. You can't blame the same kid that he cannot write anything about his father who was away for so long. You can't possibly expect to make the kid understand why things are like so. His world is too simple for a complex thing like that. You can't blame the kid since he tried his best to look happy and fearless, even if he was crying inside and deeply yearned for his father. You can't blame him since he kept it all inside.

I thought this was the reason why up until now, I am looking for a father figure. As a kid, I was left to fend for myself in the world who deeply despised the "erroneous." My feelings spiraled out of my poor control as my cousins generously crushed my poor self-esteem into bits. I tried to hide in the shadow of my brother, but yes, he remained particularly distant to me as well. Little by little, because of my desires for a father, I grew astray from the feelings of my family. I put up a mask of happiness when I'm with them to hide the broken feelings of a child who lost his father and his guide. I wear this mask everyday so that their own individual notion of a "family" doesn't get clouded by the destroyed image residing in my mind. As persons I live with and as friends, I love them with all my heart. But not as a "family".


I wear a mask

to hide my resentment to Dadee, because he did not embrace me even once.
to conceal my mixed feelings to Mamie, because all I do is understand her feelings.
to erase my anger to Kuya, because he grew up to be normal, and not "erroneous" like me.
to hide my emotions to Ate, because I want her to be happy.

to subdue myself from bursting into tears I am now aware of.


All I want is to feel again the security of having someone to call "daddy." All I want is to be confident in facing the world because I have a daddy that I can run to, and feel safe, secure, and sound in his endearing embrace.

But maybe it's too late now.


Tatay, sorry kung naging ganito ako. Ikaw naman kasi eh, ang aga mo namatay. Iniwan mo kami ni Nanay dati. Ngayong wala na rin si Nanay, iniwan niyo akong mag-isa. Pero sana masaya na kayo diyan kung nasaan man kayo. Nanay, Tatay, I love you. Alam kong alam niyo yun miski hindi ko sinasabi dati. Miss ko na kayong dalawa.

Shining Chronicles of the Silver Strand: The P229, M4A1 Bayonet, and SP12

...

Mr. Wonka? Mr. Wonka?

...sorry, I was just having a flashback.

Do these flashbacks happen often?

It has been happening increasingly...

---

Since a child, he has this weird fascination about guns. If he goes to a mall and a firearms and ammunitions shop crossed his eyes, he would approach its glass windows and stare at the guns being showcased in their respective places. His eyes glimmering with delight, he would start to imagine all sorts of things he would be able to do when a rifle taller than him was to be placed in his hands. He would quiver in excitement whenever he would imagine pulling the trigger of a high-caliber handgun and feeling the immense recoil delivered by the sheer firepower of the gun. The violent gunpowder blast and tiny clinking of the empty shells hitting the floor were music to his ears. He would tremble in his place, while he drowned himself in his dreams of a world filled with the burns of gunshot residues and the smell of firearm violence.

It all started when he and his family were invited in a famous military school to shoot a couple of rounds in the firing range. His family being friends with the head captain of that prestigious military school, they were free to shoot down metal targets with a .38 revolver and a powerful .45 handgun, with no worries with the ammunition. There was also a small rifle, but its might wasn't close to the power of the .45. He tried firing the handgun, and it was then and there that he loved the limb-wrecking shockwave of the mighty gun. With the sheer force of the gun , his small hands succumbed to gunshot recoil wounds and his arms trembled with each pull of the trigger. However, each subsequent blast heightened his interest immensely. Each deafening bang triggered more and more curiosity in his young mind. As targets fell one after the other, he silently told to himself that he was enjoying the pain of his wounds, the ache of his muscles succumbing to the weight of the gun, and the smell of gunpowder escaping the barrel of the gun.

But in the real world, he cannot possibly unleash that amount of power. He cannot fire guns outside a controlled environment. With the firing range long gone and out of sight for good, his trigger-finger was put to rest and his intentions of firing another bullet were buried in the sands of the past.

At least, in the real world.

After several years of not hearing the click of a gun's trigger, he came across a game entitled Parasite Eve 2. His older brother played this when he was younger, but he didn't have the guts to play it back then since he was afraid of the Neo-Mitochondrion Creatures eating the flesh and drinking the blood of everything alive. But he unconsciously tapped his inner desires to once again fire weapons of destruction. It was then he started playing the role of the heroine named Aya Brea.

He and Aya would later on finish Akropolis Tower in record time, picking up vital items along the way. He didn't like the submachine gun laying across the chapel's gates, and wished for some other firearm that would make their task of exterminating the NMCs a little easier. After traveling in Dryfield and gaining access to the Shelter, at last, they found three weapons that would turn out to be their favorites: the 9mm 12-bullet P229 with Flashlight and Silencer attachments, the 5.56mm 30-round M4A1 Assault Rifle equipped with a bayonet, and the 12-gauge pump-action SP12 shotgun. With these three armaments, he and Aya shot down each vicious enemy without mercy. They showered critical hits and blinded their enemies with the reliable P229 loaded with the 9mm Hydra. NMCs tasted nothing but lead as 5 mil bullets tattered their naked bodies to shreds. Enemies foolish enough who wandered too close to Aya felt the sharp wrath of the bayonet, which split them into founts of flowing entrails. And even the strongest, biggest, and meanest GOLEM was no match to the sheer force of Buckshot loaded in the SP12. Fragments blasted from the shotgun easily penetrated through the thick layer of protective gear the half-androids wore over their genetically modified muscular physique. With these bad ass guns, Aya did not rely heavily in her Parasite Powers.

But after a few days of carbine carnage, the game ended. Aya saved the day, with the help of the boy fixated with guns. As Aya's Parasite Powers receded and turned into a recessive trait, so did the boy's immense fascination on guns.

But little did he know that somewhere inside him, a 44Mag. Mongoose Magnum is slowly reloading, preparing to kill another deeply mutated Neo-Mitochondrion Creature (or even a zombie infected with the T-Virus) in the near future.

Ang Salamin ni Miss Zambrano

Aaminin kong isa siyang malaki at punyetang bitch in a small package noong first day ng second year high school. Pero nakakagulat isipin na itong punyetang bitch na ito pala ang isa sa mga magiging favorite teacher ko sa buong apat na taon ko sa Mataas na Paaralan ng Ateneo de Manila (na walang kwenta ang sistema at curriculum, buti na lang at iniba na ito).

Bakit naman ngayon lang makalipas ng mahigit apat na taon ako nagbibigay tribute para kay Ma'am Zambie? Nanonood kasi ako ng How Do They Do It? sa Discovery kanina, at bigla kong naalala yung salamin na hiniram ko kay Diane Inday. Ganoon kasi ang style ng salamin ni Miss Zambrano. O 'di ba, napakarandom ko?

Biology teacher ko si Miss Zambrano nung high school pa ako. Siya ang nagturo sa amin kung para saan ba ang electron transport chain, ang pagkakaiba ng mitosis at meiosis, ang human body at ang iba't ibang systems at organs na nabibilang dito at kung ano ba ang kaukulang function nito sa body, ang codons, genes, at ang base pairing system na kung saan guanine pairs with cytosine at adenine pairs with thymine (si G-CAT yung imaginary base pairing pusa ko), at yung iba pang mga bagay na pinag-aaralan ng isang second year sa Ateneo High School. Hindi ko makakalimutan yung different flavored writing materials niya sa greenboard (blackboard na green): meron daw chocolate, vanilla, bubblegum, strawberry, mango/lemon/pineapple, at grapes. Ang ganda kasi ng mga notes ni Miss Zambrano, eh. Lagi tuloy ako inspired na gandahan din ang notes ko sa Biology, para na rin maibenta ko ito sa mga classmates kong tamad kumopya ng notes na daig pa si Helen of Troy dahil her notes could launch a million ships. Siyempre, exaggerated na ito.

Naaalala ko rin ang mga long test ko na laging ako ang pinakamataas. Kung tama ang pagkakaalala ko, sa siyam na long test namin sa Biology, tatlo kada term, walo dun ako yung pinakamataas. Pinakamababa ko yatang nakuha sa isang long test ni Miss Zambrano ay 45/50, at ang pinakamataas ko ay 49/50. Lagi ring nagbibigay ng chocolate si Miss Zambrano sa tatlong pinakamatataas sa kanyang mga long test. kaya lagi akong may nakukuhang Three Musketeers o Milky Way. Naaalala ko rin yung trichoderma harzianum dun sa in-vitro lab experiment namin dati at yung handwritten lab report na kasama nito. Kinawawa rin namin ang isang heart ng baboy para sa aming lesson tungkol sa circulatory system. Naaalala ko pa na ang left at right sides ng heart ay matatagpuan sa right at left sides ng katawan, respectively. Naroon din ang tricuspid at bicuspid valves, ang aorta, at ang superior and inferior vena cavas (or cavae).

Sa totoo lang, naging favorite subject ko ang Biology dahil kay Miss Zambrano. Ang galing niya kasi magturo. Ako naman, laging nag-aaral at ginagalingan sa mga presentations at mga quizzes niya dahil magaling siya magturo. Naging interesting para sa akin ang Biology dahil bukod sa pinag-aralan namin ang penis and glans, scrotum, testicles, vagina, uterus, ovaries, at ang fallopian tubes, interesting din kasi iyang si Miss Zambrano. There is something in her na miski man isa siyang malaki at punyetang bitch in an ironically small package, rerespetuhin mo siya at igagalang in such a way na malalapitan mo siya ng hindi natatakot at mababati at makakausap mo siya kapag nagkasalubong kayo sa may lobby ng MST.

Pero ngayon, hindi ko na alam kung nasaan si Miss Zambrano. Wala na akong balita sa kanya mula third year high school. Ang alam ko contact ko siya sa Friendster, pero tatlong taon ko na yata hindi ginagalaw ang account ko na iyon. Pero ayos lang naman, dahil tuwing nakikita ko at isinusuot ang salamin ni Diane Inday, naaalala ko yung moments na kung saan hangang hanga ako kay Miss Zambrano.

Hindi yan bola, ah. As if naman may magagawa pa ang pambobola ngayong third year college na ako.

Semester's Over, Summer Takes Over (Beginnings and Endings Under a Starless Sky: First Stasis)

Well, maybe not exactly.

The sem will be officially be over once I write my critique paper about the database system of the graduate students. The sem will actually end once I convert that document into a PDF file and submit it online in Moodle on or before 11:59pm of March 29, 2008.

This sem was quite difficult for me for a myriad of reasons, not all I wish to say. But I am still amazed on how my grades did not suffer during those times of great struggle. Looking back, I went to school for the first time last November with doubt about my new profs saturating every part of my body, and I end the sem with the same magnitude of uncertainty, but this time, all that doubt points to the person I see every time I look in the mirror.

I will certainly miss Dr. Felix Muga, our Ma124 and Ma125 professor. For ten months worth of schooldays, I only listened to his monotonous voice and occasional laugh or giggle for only about three weeks or so: the first week of Ma124 and the first two weeks of Ma125. I will miss his unending patience, greatly exemplified during the times when only two or three students were intently listening to his book-taken (meaning confusing and ineffective) examples on Djikstra's Shortest Path Algorithm and Rings and Subrings. He never got angry and raised his tone even if most of us played Minesweeper, Text Twist, Desktop TD, 4 Second Frenzy and some more other games from addictinggames or wherever, blog-hopped, looked which basketball team won, and did other activities requiring a soundcard-less PC and an active internet connection. I admire his efforts to always be prepared for class, even if most of us do not give a damn about the lesson because it holds no practical application in life. I mean, you cannot possibly weigh your life and run a Python program for Kruskal's or Prim's algorithms, right?

I will certainly miss as well Ms. Isa Nazareno, my Hi16 prof. Her demeanor very much generated respect from all of us. Even if her teaching style was plain lectures with supplementary powerpoint presentations, she always had our attention (especially the time when we were discussing the Tang Dynasty were eunuchs proliferated). Well, it could be the fact that she resembles Rica Peralejo, or at least she does in my opinion. Thanks for the generosity of giving out a lot of extra credit activities during the whole semester. I will miss my histo classmates as well. I hope we bump each other somewhere in the campus sometimes and toss each other a hi or a hello, a vigorous wave, an acknowledging nod, a tap at the back or somewhere not private, and a happy smile.

I will miss Sir Toto Oppus and Sir Tristran Calasanz, my profs in Ps140. I will always remember their patience, Sir Toto in his lectures and Sir Tris in helping us in our breadboards and the circuitry laid in it. I will always remember as well Sir Toto's generosity and concern in giving out bonus points because he wanted for all of us to get a high mark in the lecture part of Ps140, and the enthusiasm of Sir Tris as he always wanted for us to enjoy what we were doing. Both of them shared a lot of things not related to the subject at all, and both of them always put up a very nice atmosphere around them as they always smiled.

I will wholeheartedly miss Ma'am Jess Sugay, my prof in CS122. I look up her efforts to still to go class and teach us patiently even if she's sick with the flu or even if she's loaded with projects in her masters. I will always go back to the excitement of each off-topic quiz. I might forget the syntax in SQL for finding the most expensive purchase of someone of some particular book of a specific category by some author in some database, but I will never forget the experience of being a student of a very fun, entertaining, approachable, and kind prof. We treat her like a friend, but we never forget that she is still our teacher in Database Systems. And yes, her cookies taste really good.

I will also miss Sir Francis Torres, our coach in Fencing. I will never forget his very nice smile which eases the pain of staying in a low on-guard position for several advances and retreats or eases the difficulty of a proper hop-lunge-recovery. I will miss holding a left-handed foil even if I'm not ambidextrous, spraying mask number 12 with Lysol before and after I wear it, and dueling one another. Poke poke poke. I will also miss Kuya Francis and Ate Irene, assistants of Sir Torres. I will miss the dance they choreographed for the culminating activity.

And yes, in some way, I will miss Dr. Tess Perez and her assistant Sir Perry too. I am still amazed that my grade in Sci10 is a B+, even if my quizzes and tests weren't all that great, or even good.

---

Summer beckons me to approach its arid touch. I can feel laziness starting to consume me right this very moment. I ask myself if I am ready for a new beginning and leave, but not forget, the past. As my consciousness spaces out several times in rapid succession, I fight my way to regain control and stay sane.

A seemingly endless sem is finally over and a summer which was thought never to arrive is already in my reach. Yet I still remain standing, seemingly stranded, under a starless sky.

Please Carry my Dreams Towards the Sky: Second Flight

It has been three days since. I am trying my best to be fine and happy, even if I am not. I am doing this for them so they won't worry or whatever.

I just don't know what is actually happening. I just want to talk to someone. Someone else.

And it has been three days since I had the want to fly my kite which I bought months ago. That kite remained in a corner of my stuffy, dirty room, waiting its string to be tugged as it soars through the bright sky. Finally, after over two months of patiently waiting, it finally got the chance to fly under the heat of the sun and across the uncomfortable warmth of the wind. Its colorful stripes released the plainness in the bright sky, and its three tails flapped violently against the very winds that made it soar. The kite danced in the air alone, and I ran in the field to keep the kite aloft alone.

I'm happy that I flew that kite, but I'm sad that I flew it alone. I'm happy that finally, I can see some vague shimmer of a brighter tomorrow in the end of this dark vision, but I am sad that I need to reach that end alone. Yes, I know I still have friends who embrace me as a person, but the people who made me feel that I'm actually a person isn't with me anymore. But I know, I have to endure. I have to wait and remain strong.

I have to believe that one day, things will be better. I know that things will never be the same again, but I am still hoping for that chance I was given.

The kite has taken flight.

It has shown its simple beauty across the vast, infinite skies.

The winds have tested the strength of its thin, thin line.

But my happiness still remains on the ground, patiently waiting for someone to tap my shoulder once again.

I will wait. I will wait until that day comes.

But I cannot wait forever. Please. I'm holding on for as long as I can.

Please carry my dreams towards the sky.

I Will Wait

Diniscuss ko ito kanina with someone. Someone na lang para hindi na maging magulo.

Sinabi kong iintindihin ko ang mga desisyon ng mga tao tungkol sa mga bagay-bagay. Mahirap ito, pero ngayon, namulat na ang aking mga mata na kailangan ko na namang magtiis kung gusto kong maging maayos na ulit ang lahat.

Sinabi ko sa kaniya na I feel so trapped dahil ayaw ko silang mawala at gusto ko na ring sumaya. Natatakot kasi ako na kung I will take my time and they will have their space, baka wala na akong babalikang friendship in the future. Parang I was given another chance to start over, but I'm so afraid that that time may never come because we already became too distant with each other.

I feel so trapped talaga.

Tinanong niya sa akin kung ano ba raw ang kailangan ko para I would feel better.

"Sila."

Pero hindi eh. They have to have their space. I need to respect that decision of his. Of theirs.

Lagi ko na lang kasing naiisip kung papaano parang nabale-wala ang lahat ng pinagsamahan namin sa loob ng higit sa isang taon at kalahati. Ang dami naming pinagdaanang pagsubok. At kung tutuusin, nakaya at kinaya ko ang lahat ng iyon dahil kasama ko sila.

Eh papaano ngayon?

I'm just really sad, but I'm trying my best not to be sad. Hindi ko na talaga alam if what I did was the right thing to do. It is painful to see them at a distance with all the good memories of our friendship which I always embrace and place beside my heart. Hindi na tulad ng dati na I'm with them as I continue to add memories that I will cherish and place inside my heart.

Garde, salamat sa iyong stat sa YM:

Silently we wander into this void of consequence

Hindi "we". I.

I will just need to have faith again and wait for the better tomorrow I was given the chance to wake up to. Besides, they are my friends.

They are my best friends. Hindi "were", but "are".

I will wait. I will wait.

Tapikin mo Siya at Yakapin nang Mahigpit

Hindi ko na talaga alam kung anong nangyayari sa akin.

Lagi na lang akong nagkakaganito talaga. Nakakainis na nakalulungkot dahil hindi ko magawan ng paraan. Sasaya na ako, pero magkakaroon ako ng isang over-emotional sensitivity overload na pupuwersa sa akin para maging malungkot na naman. Masyado kasi akong naniniwala na maaari pang maibalik ang dati, ang dating maayos naman ang lahat, ang dating masaya kaming dalawa.

parang hindi na kasi maibabalik sa dati ang lahat
malay mo

Hindi ko na talaga alam. Napakatanga ko na marahil upang hindi maramdaman ang gusto kong maramdaman, samantalang ginagampanan naman niya ang kanyang nararapat na gawin, ayon sa isa kong kaibigang napalayo sa akin dahil na rin sa "problema" kong ito.

confidential un i trust you
oo nmn
gusto kong sabihin sayo kasi magiging unfair naman sayo
hindi ko lang sinabi agad dahil may problema ka
ah
salamat

Ewan ko na talaga. Hindi ko na alam. Nararamdaman ko na talaga na nagkakaroon na ako ng isa pang pagkatao, maliban sa tatlong pamamaraan ko ng pag-iisip. Ayon sa math, 2 pagkatao at 3 pamamaraan ng pag-iisip ay nangangahulugang 6 na posibleng pagsasama (2 x 3 = 6 kung hindi mo nakuha kung bakit). Ewan ko na talaga. Hindi ko alam. Hindi naman ako ganito, at baka nga nangangahulugang ngang hindi na maaaring maibalik ang dati. Isa ka kasing hangal. Tonto. Bulag ka pala, bulag.

naaapektuhan na ba kita?
medyo
sorry

masyado ba akong complicated?
mas complicated ka sa iba

Hay. Muntik ko pang ibagsak ang Dragon Blade kanina.

Nakakaiyak. Nakakaiyak. Hindi ko na talaga alam ang nangyayari sa sarili ko. Gusto ko nang tumalon patungo sa kawalan para maging malaya sa masakit na mundong aking ikinukumot sa aking sarili. Gusto kong lumipad at madama ang hangin sa aking mukha. Gusto kong humimpapawid at tumungo sa isang lugar kung saan masaya ang lahat. Katulad na marahil ako ng aking saranggola. Gustong nang maging malaya at maiangat ang sarili mula sa malungkot na lupa patungo sa yakap ng hangin na puno ng pag-asa, ngunit lagi na lamang may nangyayaring hindi kanais-nais kaya't laging nauudlot ang inaasam na tunay na ngiti sa labi.

Nakakaiyak. Isa akong taksil. Taksil sa iba, at taksil sa ibang taong mahal na mahal ko bilang mga kaibigan.

basta, ikaw ang best friend ko sa college
sorry
best friend mo pala ako pero ginaganito kita

Kaya naman nauuwi sa mga bagay na bumabaon sa iyong utak at dahan-dahang tumatarak sa iyong damdaming kababangon pa lamang mula sa isang masakit na pagkakarapa.

pede ba ulit akong maging kaibigan mo?
hindi ba kita kaibigan?
eh best friend?
pwede

gusto mo ba ulit akong maging best friend?
ikaw bahala
kahit ano ayos lang skin

Sawa na ako sa kaalatan ng aking mga luha.

Ngunit ako'y umaasa pa rin. Ayaw ko lamang ipakitang ako'y nananalig dahil hindi ko na kayang saktan ang aking sarili. Hindi ko na kayang yakapin ang aking sarili dahil na rin hindi ko na kilala ang aking sarili. Kasalanan kong lahat.

hindi mo kasalanan lahat rudolf
eh di kasalanan nino?
hindi ko alam, pero huwag mong isisi ang lahat sa iyo

Naduduwal ako dahil umiikot ang paningin ko. Hindi ko kasi alam kung umiikot ba ang mundo ko o kung ako lang iyon. Kailangan ko na talaga siguro ng antipara.

At hindi ko rin maipaliwanag nang mabuti sa aking sarili kung bakit ang isang tapik sa balikat ay mas matimbang pa sa dalawang oras ng patuloy na pakikipag-usap tungkol sa mga bagay-bagay.

Marahil, ito ang nabibigay sa akin ng lakas at tatag upang magpatuloy.

Pero baka ito rin ang dahilan ng pagkawala ng pagkabulag ko sa katotohanan. Hindi ko na alam. Siguro, nakikita ko na talaga ang katotohanan, ngunit binubulag ko ang aking sarili dahil ayaw ko nang masaktan.

Pero nauuwi rin ang lahat sa wala. Lahat ng mga paglaban ko, nawuuwi sa kawalan.

Kaligayahan, yakapin mo ako. Kung ako ma'y pinandidirihan mo, yakapin mo na lang siya nang mahigpit para sa akin.

Tapikin mo siya at yakapin nang mahigpit dahil hindi mo alam kung makikita mo pa siya bukas.

Origami

Tinuruan kami ni Rose Ann kung papaano gumawa ng flower. Well sabi niya rosas daw yun, pero mas mukhang nuclear tulip yun para sa akin.

Hindi ko talaga inaasahang magiging puno ng mga emosyon ang huling insertion namin sa Malanday. Inaasahan kong isa na naman itong pagpapaalam na puno ng kahuwaran. Inaasahan ko talaga ang isang huling pagkikitang pinasasalamatan dahil sa wakas, hindi na kinakailangang gumising ng alas-6 ng umaga para hindi maiwan ni Kuya Archie dahil magko-commute pa kasi papuntang Ateneo. Salamat na sa wakas, hindi na kailangang sayangin ang mga umaga ng Sabado upang pumunta at turuan ang mga batang hindi ko naman kaanu-ano. Hindi ko na rin kailangang habaan ang aking pasensya sa pagtuturo kung ano ang numerator at ang denominator, kung ano ang ika-17 letra ng alpabeto at kung ano ang mga tunog nito, at hindi ko na rin kailangang magtiis ng dalawang oras sa mainit at maduming lugar na iyon.

Nabigla talaga ako.

Parang wala lang kasi sa mga tutees namin na huling pagkikita na namin iyon. Siguro, masaya rin sila na hindi na nila kailangang gumising din ng maaga upang turuan ng mga taong hindi naman nila kilala ng mga bagay na alam na nila. Pero hindi naman pala.

Gumawa kami ng mga bulaklak gawa sa papel. Hindi tulad ng mga tunay na bulaklak, ang mga bulaklak na ginawa namin ay hindi kailanman malalanta. Hindi man ito kasing bango ng mga rosas o kaya'y sampaguita, ang mga bulaklak na ginawa namin ay mananatiling alaala ng aming maikling pagsasama na kung saan nakita ko kung ano talaga ang tunay na mahalaga sa buhay.

Hindi ko inaasahang sasabihin ko sa sarili ko bago umalis na "hindi ko na sila makikita." Aaminin kong nadama ko ang mga luha na namumugto sa aking mga matang puyat, pero nagawa kong iwaksi ang mga ito dahil gusto kong maipakita na kaya kong maging malakas.

Siguro, nagawa kong maging matatag at matikas dahil na rin sa kanila. Nakita ko ang kakulangan nila, at nakita ko rin ang kakulangan ko bilang isang tao, anak, kapatid, at bilang isang kaibigan dahil sa kanila. Nakita ko ang mga bagay na ito sa mainit at maruming lugar na iyon kung saan nagtitiis ako ng dalawang oras tuwing Sabado ng umaga para turuan ang mga batang hindi ko naman kaanu-ano.

Pero kahit na anong nangyari, bumalik at bumalik pa rin ako sa lugar na iyon. Oo, dahil kailangan para sa NSTP. Pero gusto ko ring bumalik sa lugar na iyon dahil na rin doon ko lamang muling naranasan ang pagiging kontento sa mga simpleng bagay na madalas hindi nabibigyan ng kaukulang pansin. Doon ko lang naramdaman na mas maganda pa ang isang papel na bulaklak kaysa sa tunay na bulaklak dahil dala nito ang mga alaalang hindi malalanta at lagi kong dadalhin sa tabi ng aking puso at isipan.

Maraming salamat at sana ay magsikap at matupad ninyo ang lahat ng inyong mga minimithi.

Grace, Rachel, Jonalou, Krizza, Yumin, MC, Bea, Rose Ann, at Jude, maraming salamat.

AMC125 Long Test 1

First long test namin bukas sa AMC125. Mamatay kami sa Escaler Hall at 4:30-6:30pm. Ho noes dahil bawal na daw ang cheat sheets/notecards/index cards/some-other-term-for-kodigo. Well, siguro napansin ni Muga na cheating iyon. Kaya ho noes talaga.

Sinubukan ko namang mag-aral para sa long test na iyan no. Gusto ko kasing mag-DL this sem para sa first sem ng junior year ko, papayagan akong mag-overload. Gusto ko kasi sanang magminor in Japanese Studies at kunin yung Specialization Track for Game Design. Overkill daw kasi mag-overload sa senior year dahil daw soupysnax ang thesis. At oo nga pala, non-existent pa ang Specialization Tracks, pero at least naman na kung magkaroon na in the future, macredit yung mga subjects na itetake ko na, kung magawa ko ngang mag-DL. 15 units daw ang specialization, ayon sa mga upper classmen. 18 units ang minor in Japanese Studies, na kung saan natake ko na ang 3 units of JSP I: Introduction to Japanese Language and Culture I at tinetake ngayon ang 3 units ng Hi16: Asian History. Kung hindi ako magsespecialize, 6 units lang ang aking kailangan ioverload. Kung kukunin ko pareho, gagamitin ko lahat ng aking 2 free electives at 3 CS electives para sa specialization, meaning 12 units ang kailangan kong ioverload para sa minor.

O, so anong kalokohan itong ginagawa mo? Bakit hindi ka nag-aaral kung ganun?

Nag-aral na po kasi ako kanina sa Matteo. I tried my best to study. Talaga. As in I tried my best. Sinubukan kong mag-aral mula 1:00 hanggang mga 3:30 ng hapon kasama sina EJ, Sher, Raf, Nelvin, at si Thomas. Sinubukan kong sumagot ng mga exercise para lalo ko pang matandaan yung mga inaral ko, pero hindi ko naman nasagutan lahat. Nakakainis kasi yang Decomposition Theory of Chromatic Polynomials eh. Sino ba na naman kasi yung bored mathematician na gumawa ng Chromatic Number? Dapat kasi kumuha na lang siya ng equivalent ng Crayola nung time nila at yun na lang ang ginamit na pangkulay sa graph. Sumakit talaga ang ulo ko. Nahilo ako at narinig kong tumili ng "TAMA NAA!" ang aking occiptial lobe at naramdaman kong mag-tap out ang aking frontal, temporal, at parietal lobes. Puyat din kasi ako kagabi eh. Pagod na pagod naman ako, pero yung utak ko ay sobrang hyper. Uminom yata ng arnibal at kumain ng Ferrero nang hindi ko napansin. Humiga ako sa kama ko at nakatulog ng mga ala-una ng madaling araw, tapos nagising na lang ako ng mga alas-tres ng umaga dahil umaapaw na yung tubig. Pagkatapos nun, hindi na makapagdesisyon ang aking utak kung papatulugin ba ako o hindi. Sa dalawang oras na iyon, nagkaroon yata ako ng humigi't kumulang 30 instances of power napping. Dalawang panaginip lang yung natatandaan ko.

So anyway, napadpad ang aming pag-aaral sa pag-uusap ng mga nostalgic anime pati na rin yung mga bago. Ang dami naming pinag-usapan: Sailormoon, Akazukin Chacha, Yaiba, Wedding Peach, Bleach, Jigoku Shoujo, Cooking Master Boy, at marami pang iba. Basta marami, hindi ko lang maalala ng mabuti dahil disfunctional ang aking memory-retrieval apparatus. Tanga rin nga pala ang translator ng Ericsson phones. Isipin mo bang "Web Mga Pahina" ang translation ng "Web Pages"? Kumain din nga pala kami sa McDo. Doon ko nakita na hindi mga mukhang matalino ang mga taga high school ngayon. Baka daw dahil sa MSGs sabi ni EJ, Monosodium Glutamate yata ang sabi ni Raf.

Naka-uwi ako ng mga 6:30 ng gabi. Magbabasa sana ako ng tungkol sa Sepoy Mutiny para sa history when I decided to have a 10-minute nap. Doon ko lang nalaman na 10 minutes lang pala ang pagitan ng 6:30 at 9:30pm.

"Ditch AMC!" sabi ni Sher kanina. Magical naman kasi ang grading system ni Mugalicious Mugababes eh. Yung isa kong blockie, F lahat ng long tests niya last sem, pero D ang final grade niya.

"Muga is so... inspiring." Nagtawanan silang lahat.

Hindi naman ako namomoblema na babagsak ako sa AMC eh. Alam ko namang kaya ko. What frustrates me is that I cannot deliver adequately and appropriately to my satisfaction all the material I studied. Naiinis ako na nag-aral naman ako, pero ang baba pa rin ng mga nakukuha kong grade. F for F-fort talaga, ftw.

Well, baka naman kasi my best isn't good enough. Well lagi namang ganun.

Nanay, alam kong nasa heaven ka na ngayon. Hanapin mo naman si Kuratowski or si Euler or yung nag-imbento ng Graph Coloring and Chomatic Number at pakirequest naman na sapian ako bukas ng 4:30-6:30 ng hapon. Pakisabi rin na hanggang 6:30 lang silang pwedeng sumanib kasi pupunta akong Gateway bukas pagkatapos ng long test na ito dahil nung Monday ko pa gustong pumunta at hindi ako tumutuloy dahil pinag-aaralan ko ang kanilang genius.

Tatlong taon ka na palang wala sa piling namin nanay. Miss ka na namin. Miss na kita. Miss ko na yung mga hopia mong paborito, yung pagsagot mo ng Filipino crossword ng People's Tonight, yung makapal mong salamin, yung mga tawa mong tinatapos mo palagi sa "ay", at yung ganda ng iyong ngiti dahil maganda ang iyong pustiso.

Kung hindi ko man nasabi nung nandito ka pa, mahal na mahal kita nanay. Sana ay masaya ka na ngayong kapiling mo nang muli si tatay.

Twaintu! version 2.234 [revisited]

I MISS TWAINTU! T_T

From the November 2006 Archive of Block N: When the Jailmates Escape



The usual routine of the nmates every end of Fil12 was cards. But as usual, the geeky minds of the nmates found these old games boring and decided to make a new, fresh, exciting, and best of all, a card game that defied all aspects of geekiness: BAROK. Then there was the monumental task of naming their best creation to date.

"Sir mam haa-dog saanweech! Twaintu onlee!"
[optional lightbulb effect here]

Thus, twaintu was born.

[If you are an idiot and is clueless about this game, please continue reading.]
[If you are knowledgeable of twaintu and have plans to read on, consider psychiatric help please. You may also try diving sa sahig for exotic treatment.]


PLAYING TWAINTU:

- 2 decks of cards are needed for ultimate fun! Bitin ang single deck eh.
- Each player starts with a hand of 5 - 7 cards, except the eentersef (intercept), who starts with an extra card. The eentersef starts the game.
- The cards that are left-over becomes the draw pile
- The more players, the merrier!



RULES of TWAINTU:

--Bayseecs (Basics)--

1. Like the object of any card game, the ass who finishes his/her hand first wins. He/she would be named the grap of twaintu.

2. You can only drop a card from your hand which is of the same suit or of the same number/value as the previous drop (exceptions later).

3. If you are unable to make any move, you draw from the stack pile until a move becomes available. You can only do a fyuken (pass) if the draw pile is already empty. If it is so, the game has a leemeet.

4. You lose if at some point, your total number of cards in your hand counts in at twai.. uh I mean twenty-two.

5. If you have a single card remaining in your hand, you must immediately shout chorva! Failure to comply gives a chance for other players to see your chorvaness (the state of having a single card left). If someone shouts chorva before you do, too bad slowpoke, you draw 4 cards. In the event that the draw pile is already empty, well, each player gives the chorvant (the one captured in his/her chorvaness) a card of his/her choosing. HOW BRUTAL! But be informed that a player cannot win because of the chorvanthood (state of the chorvant being caught in his/her chorvaness) of the chorvant. The chorvites (players other than the chorvant) cannot become chorvants in their chorvanesses.

6. If the game comes to a thomas time (how much time, all players pass), it's time to count the values of the cards. Special powers count as 0.

7. The last person to discard all cards or the person with the highest total card value at the end is the loser, or more appropriately termed as the assimtowt.



--Starting the goddam game--
Sadly, there is no switch for on.

1. The top of the stack pile is revealed.

2. The eentersef is the first one who plays.



--Isfeyshal Fowersh (Special Powers)--
Sometimes, fate smiles at you and grants you a special power. Call yourself a chi-a-ter if you have a LOT. These cards still follow the same suit or number/value rule, except the Jack.

You can earn a special power if you play exactly the same card as the last drop. This is an instance of the powah churem (power theorem). Get the last special power that was played in the discard pile. Be careful upon using the powah churem because not all circumstances when applying this rule is advantageous.

ACE: The EVIL card. Select the player who would be deesc (disconnected, lose a turn) . You cannot deesc the same player consecutively.

JACK: Wildcard! Select the suit the next person would play.

QUEEN: Select the person who plays next.

KING: Makes all players except the person who played this terrific thing draw a card. Pretty senseless if the game has a leemeet or if there are not enough cards for every player to draw.



There, are you ready to play twaintu?
Enjoy! Don't forget to chorva!

CHORVA!

lol, LOL

Kanina, first day ng pasok para sa taong 2008. Kasi nga, 2007+1=2008 diba? O nakalimutan mo na yun? Okay. Either mas makakalimutin ka lang sa akin or hindi ka marunong mag-add. Even worse, hindi ka nagbabasa ng mga post ko sa blog kong over 2000 hits na pala dahil sa kakaedit ko ng aking mga posts dahil sinusumpong ng OCness. WAHA.

Absent yung seatmate ko kaninang Sci10. Ang tumabi tuloy sa akin ay si Perry, yung assistant ni Mrs. Perez. Ayaw ko sa kanya kasi siya yung nagtsecheck ng attendance. By the way, lumago ang bigote niya. Kaya pala he looked a little different earlier. So ayun, masama daw yung modified true or false nung long test namin (seriously, ang dami kong "both are true" kasi hindi ako nakaaral ng mabuti dahil wala akong Romancing Science [yung book na parang bastos ang topic] dahil ayaw kong bumili) kaya napilitan siyang ibaba ang HPS to 90. Yay. Sana naman at least maka-C+ ako dahil ayaw kong magfinals. Natawa lang kaming lahat dun sa nakalagay sa slide ni ma'am: "About 10 Filipinos have no access to water at all." Humirit pa si ma'am na "Ah you should be grateful that you aren't included in the 10!" Lol. Literal na lol talaga.

Pinagtawanan namin ni Amboy yung mga naglalaro ng volleyball after that. Nakakatuwa kasi yung mga nagseserve eh. "Ang galing o, may paa pa!" Sira ulo yang si Amboy. Evul. Napatawa talaga ako nun. Another lol for me. Medyo excited ako dahil namiss ko talaga ang fencing, at lalo pa akong naexcite nung malaman kong party games ang gagawin nina Amboy at Nemi sa PE nilang Recreational Activities. Napalol ulit ako nung narinig kong sila ay titipar.

May bagong tinurong parry si Coach Walter. He properly named the Parry 4 that we know as "Lateral Parry 4" as well as the Parry 6 we think we know as "Lateral Parry 6" Meron din palang Circular Parry 4 at Circular Parry 6 (hindi ko masyadong maalala, pero nakikinig ako kanina promise) na gagawin mo para madisengage ka sa parry ng iyong kalaban at para mapunta sa iyo ang Right of Way. Basta. Fencing jargon. Napalol na lamang ako nung pinagpair na kami para mapractice ang mga bagong parry. Para kasi kaming naghahalo ng juice ni Ace dahil ikot lang ng ikot ang mga foil namin. Tumino lang kami nung pinanood kami ni Coach Walter. Naamaze nga ako sa effectiveness of disengagement eh.

At nakinig ako kay Mugalicious Mugababes kaninang AMC125. May natutunan ako kay Felix kanina (oo close kami, lol). Natuto ako tungkol sa trees, spanning trees, at forests na dadalawa lamang ang trees. Nagcheck siya ng attendance kanina. Huwaw.

Matapos nun, nagkaroon ako ng internal dilemma dahil hindi ko alam kung uuwi na ba ako at kakain ng fish nuggets (kikiam tawag ko diyan, pero Fish Nuggets ayon na rin sa pack nito at ayon din sa mga taga-UP na nakakasabay kong kumain dun) ni Ate na hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko pa rin alam ang pangalan sa may Harap ng Alumni Hostel ba yun o pupuntang Gateway at maglalaro ng Percussion Freaks 5th Mix at DrumMania 10th Mix dahil dalawang linggo na akong hindi nakakahampas ng rubber pads. Nahirapan ang aking decision-making apparatus kanina. Pero umuwi na lang ako dahil tinamad na akong pumuntang Gateway dahil umambon. Kumain na lang ako ng dalawang stick ng fish nuggets.

Napalol ako pagkauwi dahil sobrang baho ng aking five flatus combo. Napailing nga pati si Bianca na binigyan ni ate ng pampurga.

At nung nagpagupit ako, muntik na akong mapalol ulit dahil nakita ko si Milai at natandaan ko yung ikinuwento niya sa amin dati. Pinagupitan ko ang aking buhok na nasa pagitan ng emo at metrosexual sa super hassle-free white side wall. Yesz.

Marami akong lol ngayong araw na ito. At dahil sa mga lol na ito, naramdaman kong muli ang LOL na nawala sa akin ng ilang linggo.

Lol = laugh out loud.

But I say LOL for Laugh Of Life.

Nakanamputanesca! Ang drama! Draman ka talaga!

May Pasok na Ako Bukas

I have to reiterate na ang Christmas Break ang pinaka pangit of all two-week breaks existent sa aking student history. Kasi naman, sa gitna ng sem. This only means na maraming pinapagawa over the break kasi nga malamang matutuyo ang mga utak namin. Imagine mo na lang na sa sobrang hirap ng binibigay na acads, tapos mawawala all of a sudden. Parang drugs ang break eh. High moment ka agad the very moment i-dismiss kayo ng prof niyo ng last class before the break. Napakalakas din ng withrawal tendency mo na tamarin kapag may pasok na kinabukasan. And I do mean tamaring pumasok. As in tamad na tamad, solid sa pagkatamad, as if wala ka nang break in your lifetime. Hindi katulad ng Christmas Break ang Summer Break, After-ng-Summer Summer Break, at yung Semestral Break. Lahat naman ay parehong 2-3 weeks ang haba, pero ang main difference ay wala kang kailangan gawing schoolwork during those breaks. Well, wala kang expected schoolwork na kailangang gawin. Kasi iiwan mo yun kasama sa pagtatapos ng Summer, First Sem, o kaya naman Second Sem. Pero hindi sa Christmas Break.

May deliverable kami sa CS122. Sinimulan ko na ba? Um, January 15, 2008 at 3:00pm pa naman ang submission nun eh. Besides, ako na ang gumawa ng unang deliverable. Pati ba naman ito, ako ang gagawa? (Like duh daddy mo ang client ng inyong database project.)

Long Test 1 namin sa AMC125 (ang aking favorite subject) sa Thursday. Parts 1-5 yata ng Chapter 11: Introduction to Graph Theory ang coverage (mahusay kang estudyante dahil hindi mo alam ang coverage ng LTs mo). Nag-aral naman na ako. Yata.

History! Anong masasabi ko? WOOHOO! May bago na kaming readings at hindi ko pa tapos basahin yung tungkol sa India. I will just take down notes. Nakikinig naman ako tuwing history ah. Ang dami ko na ngang notes sa Filipino-turned-History notebook kong si Joseph Bitangcol ang pabalat. Si Sandara sana yung gusto ko, kaso wala daw makitang Sandara Park inspired notebook si ate, kaya daw boyfriend na lang daw ni Sandara yung binili niya. Ecch.

Kaya nga tinawag na "break" ang mga break dahil dapat wala kang gawing schoolwork. Ateneo naman kasi, paminsan hindi nag-iisip ng mabuti. Well at least naman ako, nagawa ko ang kailangan kong gawin sa break, at iyon ay to have a break from school.

Puwet mo! Alam mong may kailangan kang gawin, pero hindi mo ginawa.

Eh kasi naman no, gagawin ko rin yan kapag may pasok na ako, eh bakit kailangan ko ring gawin nung wala akong pasok?

May pasok na ako bukas. Gagastos na ulit ako ng about P40.00 sa pagcommute papuntang school at siyempre pauwi galing school. Haharapin ko nang muli ang aking gawaing pampamantasang aking tinakbuhan ng halos dalawang linggo. Bukas, estudyante na ulit ako. Malalanghap ko na naman ang maduming hangin ng Katipunan Avenue dahil sa mga smoke belcher (bakit may pulang salungguhit ang "belcher"?). Well marami lang talagang sasakyan sa Katipunan dahil diyan sa mga grade school at high school na hatid-sundo ni mommy o kaya ni daddy o dahil may sarili silang sasakyan. Mag school bus na lang nga kayo! Para mabawas-bawasan naman ang traffic sa Katipunan! Kaming mga commuter ang pinaka naaabala eh! (Inggit ka lang, that's why.)

Pero aaminin kong namiss ko ang school. Namiss ko ang aking block. Namiss kong maglakad na may dalang backpack na mabigat. Namiss kong makakita ng maraming tao na alam kong mga estudyante rin silang may mga problema tungkol sa long test o hindi naman kaya dahil naiwan niya ang kaniyang ID at iniiwasan sina Manong Guard sa CTC at si Manong Guard sa may SEC Walkway.

Namiss kong maging estudyante. Kaya matutulog na ako dahil 8:30 ang pasok ko bukas.

Tong-its

Meron kang dos, tres, singko, at sais ng diamonds. Nasa iyo ang dalawang itim na king. Meron kang tatlong dyis. Meron ka rin namang jack of hearts at queen of diamonds. Dahil ikaw ang taya, meron kang two of hearts.

Ayos. Panalo ka na.

Binaba mo ang queen of diamonds. Pinulot ito ng iyong katabi, ibinaba ang tatlong queen, at saka nagtapon ng isang king. Hindi ka nawalan ng pag-asa dahil meron pang isang king, ang king of hearts, na baka sakaling ibaba ng iyong katabi o 'di naman kaya'y maswerteng mabunot mo. Bumunot ang nasa kaliwa mo, at ibinaba ang seven of clubs. Hindi mo iyon kailangan. Bumunot ka habang ipinagdarasal na king of hearts o kaya'y four of diamonds ang iyong makuha. Four nga ang nakuha mo, pero four of hearts naman. Peste. Masyado yatang matindi ang iyong pagdarasal at ibinigay nga pareho. Itinapon mo ang jack of hearts dahil sampung puntos din yun kung saka-sakaling walang makatapos.

Nagpatuloy ang laro niyo. Marami nang natayong bahay. Naroon na ang nine of hearts, clubs, at spades, ang tatlong queen, ibinaba mo na ang iyong tatlong ten. Nakababa na rin ang dos, tres, at kwatro ng clubs, ang five hanggang seven of diamonds, ang alas, dos, at tres ng spades, at ang ten, jack, at queen of spades. Iniisip mo ang iyong gagawin dahil manipis na ang bunutan. Iduduktong mo ba ang iyong king of spades at itatapon ang king of clubs? O hihintayin mo ang king of hearts na baka sakaling makuha mo pa? Pero namomoblema ka pa rin sa iyong butas na straight flush. Nawawala pa ang four of diamonds. Bumunot ka. Ayun! Four of diamonds! Ayos ka na. Panalo ka na. Umandar na ang iyong self-praise apparatus dahil kaunti na lang, panalo ka na. Kailangan mo na lang nung high-risk card na yun.

Pero nagdalawang isip ka. Matatapos na kasi ang laban.

Itinapon mo yung king of clubs. Hindi mo binaba ang iyong straight flush dahil gusto mong ipitin ang mga kalaban mo. Ang natitira na lang sa iyo ay yung six of spades na nabunot mo kanina at yung two of hearts dahil ikaw ang taya. Yung nasa kanan mo na. Bumunot siya. Nagulat ka sa dami ng kanyang ibinaba, pero may naiwang dalawang baraha sa kanyang kamay. Napansin mo rin na idinuktong niya ang five of spades. Ayos. Two of hearts na lang ang problema mo. Ganun din ang nangyari dun sa nakaupo sa kaliwa mo. Isa na lang ang hawak niyang baraha. Ikaw na ang bubunot. Nadama mong iisa na lang ang nasa bunutan. Pinulot mo iyon at tiningnan.

Ang king of hearts.

Sana, hindi mo idinuktong ang king of spades at hindi itinapon ang king of clubs. Tong-its ka sana. Naisip mo na sayang ang final draw tong-its. Pero ayos lang, two lang naman ang magiging score mo. Itinapon mo ang king of hearts na iyon habang paulit-ulit mong sinasabi na sayang. Sayang, sayang, sayang talaga.

Show time na.

Idinuktong nung nasa kaliwa mo ang eight of diamonds. Ace of diamonds ang naiwan sa kanya. Naipit siya dahil sa iyo. Akala mo isa na lang ang baraha niya, yun pala, dalawa pa.

Idinuktong nung nasa kanan mo ang nine of diamonds. Ace of hearts ang naiwan sa kanya.

Wala kang nagawa. Malas ka lang talaga.



Ang buhay ay isang malaking laro ng tong-its na kung saan nakataya ang lahat. Paminsan akala mong panalo ka na ngunit sa huli, talo ka. Pero higit na mas importante na nakita mong ginawa mo ang lahat para maging matagumpay ka kaysa sa manalo.

Pero kung nakataya ang lahat, makikita mo bang mas importante iyon?

Matagal na akong hindi nagtotong-its. Hindi bumaba sa sampung laro ng tong-its ang nalalaro ko dati tuwing lunch o 'di naman kaya'y may break na sobrang haba na nakakabobo na ang pagtunganga at nakakasabaw na ng utak ang pagtulog.

So wala na akong buhay? Ganun ba?