Part of the Family

Today, my family and I went to Bulacan since it was my cousin Diane's birthday last Wednesday. We also took the time to visit since it was like forever since we last ate in our Tita Nene's hut kitchen. Iyhan, a good friend of mine, always visits us during weekends and spends his days in our place until early Tuesday mornings, when he needs to go to work. Meaning Iyhan tagged along to our family's trip back to my ancestral home.

I actually felt uneasy with him going with us. I don't know why, but maybe it was because of the sharp, cynical, but secretive eyes my relatives in Bulacan make when faced with strangers.

While eating lunch fit for a princess, Ate introduced Iyhan to Tita Nene.

Si Iyhan, classmate ni Rudolf. Parang pamilya na namin yan!

That made my day.

Tatay, Miss na Kita

Why is it that you'll never know how important a person is to you until they're gone? Even if you know someone is important in your life, you will never really measure, if it is measurable, how valuable a person is to you. Is someone's worth measured by how frequently and how intense your longing is for that person? Is it a sign that a person is most dear to you if you yearn for their presence?

Today is Tatay's 12th death anniversary. He passed away when I was nine years old. He was fondly called Toyo by my family since almost always, he had those unexplainable fits -- toyo. I remember the same spot where I cried when we received the news on his passing. Nanay and I mourned as we gently gave him our flowers as he descended to the earth, to the arms of our loving creator. I remember the cloudy day of August 3, 1997, a day when a light drizzle became a heavy, short shower. It was a day when I saw Nanay cry silently as she looked up the sky and bade Tatay a final, endearing farewell.

Twelve years ago, I lost the person whom I called my father.

I lost the person I sought refuge to after a day full of teases and tears. I lost the person whom I told all my little victories, the small times I conquered the seas of my insecurites in my simple life back then. Twelve years ago, I lost a part of myself, never to be returned forever.

Here I am, standing incomplete under all the realities of life.

Tatay may no longer be here, but he'll be forever the one and only tatay for the rest of my life.


Tatay, masaya ka ba sa kung naging ano ako ngayon?
I love you Tatay. Sana masaya ka na ngayong magkasama na kayo ulit ni Nanay.

Buntis na ata si Bianca

Mukhang naging matagumpay sa paghahanap ang mga sperm ni Mico sa egg ni Bianca. Nagsabi kasi ng ilang telltale signs yung spotter, si Mike, kung papaano malalamang nabuntis nga talaga si Bianca. Kung hindi niyo pa alam, si Bianca ang aming kyut na kyut na Chowchow.

Bianca shows the following symptoms:

1. Wala siyang ganang kumain. Kung dati, daig pa niya ang isang hayok na hayok sa gutom na pride leader lion king, eh ngayon, daig pa siya ng isang ipis kung kumain. Daig pa nga ata siya ng isang goldfish kung makasubo ng food. Medyo nag-aalala na nga kami kasi baka mamaya, detrimental na ang hunger strike na ito ni Bianca. Masarap na nga yung ulam, pero ayaw pa rin niya. Gusto ko na nga siyang painumin ng Anmum eh para rich in folic acid for the developing babies inside her puerta.
2. Lagi siyang nakahilata. Well, miski naman dati pa, lagi na siyang nakahilata, pero ngayon, sobra sobra na ang kanyang state of pagkahilata. As in walang galawan for three hours or more. Kung hindi mo nga alam na aso yang si Bianca, magpagkakamalan mo siyang isang mamahaling fur carpet mula sa Persia o kaya isang kyut na kyut na teddy bear.. uh dog. Para siyang trapong pakalat-kalat lang kung saan, at hindi gagalaw hangga't hindi ito pupulutin ng kung sino man (pero siyempre hindi namin pinupulot si Bianca, duh naman).
3. Tahimik siya. Kung dati, maririnig mong galit na galit siya kapag nakikita niya yung pusang nagha-hang out sa pader namin, ngayon, kebs lang siya. Deadma ang Bianca sa pusang bumebelat sa kanya. Ano yan, maternal instincts? Baka raw kasi magising ang babies niya?
4. Nagkakaroon na ng mass ang kanyang boobs. Parang nadedevelop na ang kanyang mga mammary glands. Nakakapa na namin na parang nagkakaroon na ng mass ang kanyang mga suso kasi dati, wala talaga. Utong lang kung utong. Ngayon, utong plus some mass. Gusto ko na nga siyang bilhan ng bra kasi hindi na siya isang flat-chested doggie.

Ayun. Ipapacheck-up na lang namin si Bianca kay Doc Myra within this week. Kung buntis na nga talaga si Bianca and everything goes well, manganganak siya sometime in January. Sana naman healthy at maraming marami ang kanyang mga puppies.

Ang Ubuntu 8.10 sa Laptop ni Rudolf

Noong bata ako, may hilig na talaga ako sa mga computer. Marahil dahil lagi akong nakakulong sa bahay ang isa sa maraming rason kung bakit ako nahilig sa mga ito. Kinagisnan ko na rin sa aming bahay ang monochrome monitor ng aking namayapang Tita Nene. Hindi ko na nga alam kung ano bang tawag sa computer na iyon, pero yun yung computer na iisa lang ang kulay na kayang i-display, at ang kulay na iyon ay ang kulay berde. Yun yung berdeng matingkad; mas matingkad pa sa mga damong nakabilad sa init ng araw sa tanghali. Hindi ko na masyadong maalala kung paano ba iyon gumagana. Basta, ang naaalala ko na lang ay ang Wordstar program nito kung saan nagsusulat ang aking Kuya ng mga istorya niyang bastos na kinabibilangan nina Taguro at Jeremiah, at yung isang larong nalaman namin na naroon pala dahil ipinakita sa amin nung technician isang beses na masira ito. Zaxxon ang tawag doon, at isa kang piloto ng isang fighter jet. Nakakainis lang ang larong iyon dahil tuwing gagamitin mo ang iyong baril, nababawasan ang iyong fuel. Kailangan mong lumipad nang mababa at sumira ng mga lalagyan ng langis para dumami ang iyong fuel. Pero nilaro ko pa rin ito ng nilaro dahil wala naman nang ibang laro sa computer na iyon, at wala rin naman akong makakalaro sa bahay dahil laging wala ang mga magulang at kapatid ko. Ayaw ko namang maglaro sa labas dahil mainit, at ayaw kong pagpawisan. Wala rin naman kasi akong makakalaro sa labas dahil wala akong kababata, lahat sila ay kasing gulang nina Kuya o kaya ni Ate, at hindi naman kadalasang nilalaro ng isang manlalaro lang ang patintero, tumbang preso, agawan base, habulan, at taguan.

Isang Linggo, umuwi kami ng aking pamilya sa Bulacan, tulad nang nakasanayan na naming gawin. Pero may iba sa bisita naming iyon. May Super Famicom na ang pinsan kong si Jerome. Dito na nagsimula ang pagnanasa kong magbakasayon ng matagal na matagal sa bahay ng pinsan ko para lang makapaglaro ng Street Fighter ng buong magdamag. Gusto kong matutunan kung paano gawin ang Flaming Hadouken ni Ryu, Shin Shoryuken ni Ken, at Yoga Flame ni Dhalsim. Ngunit isang pagkakataong natulog ako doon, hindi rin ako nakapaglaro ng buong magdamag dahil wala na akong iniisip kung hindi si Mamie. Mama's boy kasi ako, at dati, hindi ko kayang mawalay sa kanya.

At makalipas ang ilang araw, parang bomba atomikang kumitil sa libu-libong taong pinipigilan ang kanilang utot ang pagsabog ng katagang 'PlayStation'.

Nagkaroon ako ng mga kaibigan sa aming subdivision dahil sa PlayStation. Hindi ko na naramdaman ang paglalaro ng patintero sa mga kalsada dito sa Filinvest. Hindi ko na naramdaman ang matuyuan ng pawis habang kumakain ng kalihim at coke na nakaplastik sa may gate pagkatapos maglaro ng habulan. Hindi na ako nakapaglaro ng taguan doon sa liblib na lugar sa may bakanteng lote apat na kalye mula sa aming bahay. Lagi na lang kaming pumupunta sa bahay nina Pael at Ayo, at doon naglalaro ng kanilang PlayStation. Nagpatayan kami sa Tekken 3, Kill Thrill, at sa Samurai Showdown 3 at 4. Lagi kong ginagamit si Angel dahil meron siyang laser beam na lumalabas sa kanyang noo, ngunit lagi lang akong tinatalo ni Pael gamit si Baek. Si Belladona naman ang gamit ko sa Kill Thrill, ngunit hindi ko alam kung bakit ako ang una nilang pinupugutan ng ulo, binabalian nang lahat ng buto sa katawan, o kaya sinasaksak ng isang milyong beses sa lima at kalahating segundo. Lagi rin akong talunan sa Samurai Showdown dahil wala na akong ibang alam gawin kung hindi ang Icicle Attack ni Rimururu. Kaya noong bumili si Mamie ng bagong computer na may Windows 95, tumigil na ako sa pagpunta kina Pael. Lagi naman kasi akong natatalo doon, at nagsasawa na ako sa mga hinahanda nilang miryenda dahil parang yun at yun lang din. Pero masarap ang spaghetti nilang may dahon ng laurel, miski na nagtae ako pagkatapos kong kumain nito. Pinagtitripan na rin kasi ako nina Kimi at ni Chino e.

Sa unang pagbukas ko ng aming bagong computer na iyon, naramdaman ko sa aking sarili na ayaw ko nang pumunta kina Pael para lang maglaro ng PlayStation nila. Kuntento na ako sa TriviaMaze ng Encarta, at masaya na rin akong panoorin ang Kuya ko na maglaro ng Diablo.

Lumipas ang mahigit sa isang dekada, ngunit ganoon pa rin ang nangyayari. Nag-iba na ang mga pangalan: Windows XP Professional na ang dating Windows 95 at PlayStation 2 na ang dating PlayStation lang. Ngunit ganoon pa rin ako, sa aking palagay. Dahil sa kanila, naging ganito ako. Pero ninais ko na rin siguro ang mga nangyari kaya ito ako ngayon, sinusubukan ang bagong operating system na ininstall ko sa aking laptop. Siguro, kung nakapaglaro ako ng patintero sa ilalim ng katirikan ng araw; siguro, kung nangati ako matapos maglaro ng taguan sa matalahib na bakanteng lote; siguro, kung hindi ko kinulong ang sarili ko sa bahay noong bata ako, hindi ako magiging isang nerdoks na wala nang ginawa kung hindi kumain, matulog, umutot, tumae, at magbasa nang magbasa ng code ng isang program.

Pero masaya na ako sa kinalalagyan ng buhay ko ngayon. Kahit papaano, masasabi ko sa sarili ko na kuntento na ako sa daang tinatahak ko ngayon.




Ayos naman pala ang Ubuntu.

Beat the Polygraph: The Moment of Truth (First Pulse)

The Moment of Truth is a game show wherein contestants, before the show, are asked fifty or more questions while they are connected to a polygraph. The contestants are asked to answer the questions as truthfully as they can, as the results of the test are not revealed to the contestants. During the show, he or she is asked twenty-one questions from the pool of questions they were asked during the lie-detector test. The questions progressively get more and more personal, and the contestant only has to answer these questions as truthfully as they can to win the half million dollars.

I was watching an episode of The Moment of Truth earlier this evening. It was amusing to watch the female contestant in her despair as she tried to contain her emotions. She endlessly shifted her bottom on her seat. She always sighed a big breath of relief whenever the female voice would say the word "TRUE". The questions revolved around her relationship with her current husband, which apparently was not her first, second, or third spouse. Very personal questions were thrown at her, but she all answered those truthfully. Her reveal that she would not marry her husband if he didn't had the money won her $100,000. But the question that made her win $200,000 was about her mother. She answered no when she was asked the question if her mother was terminally ill and wanted to end her life, would she do it or not.

As I was silently laughing at her struggle, thoughts came to my head. I told myself that one has no reason to worry if in all his or her life, he or she did not do anything that is against his or her conscience, or something embarrassing for the matter. I wondered what would happen to me if I was the one seated in that modern seat, being barraged with questions pertaining to the most private aspects of my life. Will I shift endlessly in the seat as well? Will I get teary-eyed when the host asks me a question about something that I never thought of even saying to my family?

Are people that desperate for money that they are willing to throw away their dignity and risk the most important relationships they have in their lives?

My Eye!

After playing for a week as Isabella of the Spanish in Civilization 4: Warlords from midnight until the faint blue color of the skies crept up my window, my right eye started to complain. It became sore most of the time, with me paying little or no attention to it. After a few days, the soreness went away, only to be replaced by an even more irritating counterpart, a stye. I woke up with my right eye jammed with a sticky and terribly grotesque paste. I will save the details (especially the color) because it will be enough for someone to hurl their week's worth of food or start a period of extreme loss of appetite of epic proportions.

I immediately told my sister who is a nurse about my awful right eyelid. At first, I thought it was a pimple since a dot of pus emerged from my eyelid, but upon further reasoning, my sister and I concluded that the horrible abomination that lived in my eyelid is nothing more but a kuliti. We figured that if it was a pimple, why was it in the eyelid, and not on the surface of it? She told me that these horrible things were caused by bacteria, hence the pus. As the day progressed, the dot of pus grew larger and larger. Every time I gingerly checked my eye, the small dot of discoloration grew more and more. It was like a small, yellow green balloon being inflated to its extremes.


And then, it happened.


Well, the discomfort of something always poking my eye is less now as compared to before. I guess I should start getting some sleep. Hell week has taken a chunk out of my resistance, and what I'm doing now isn't helping either.

Lost

I woke up at 9:15 this morning at the boisterous alarm of my phone. It had been probably ringing for over an hour. For a 10:30am class, that awakening from deep slumber was plain spectacular, as I needed to leave the house at least 45 minutes before my first class. And to add to that, it took me forever to complete my morning rituals. But my body filled with a certain sluggish feeling managed to miraculously prepare itself to leave the house at around 9:45am. My body hastily ate a meager breakfast, took a very brief bath, and dressed up in no time. I grabbed my things and bolted outside.

It is a custom of mine to tap my left pocket, then my right as I turn to Mt. Rainier.

I felt my handkerchief deep inside my left pocket. I remember going inside my parents' room to grab a hanky after I applied foot powder to of course, my feet.

I brushed my palm over my right pocket. Something felt missing.

The familiar bump on my right pocket was absent. The hard, rectangular shaped feeling was not present when I placed my palm on my pocket.

My phone was not there.

I hurried back as I winced at the glares of the workers I passed. I opened our gate, and headed straight to my room. As it turned out, my phone was covered by my blanket. I was too much in a hurry that I failed to properly fix my bed.

As I rushed to the main street of our subdivision, something kept popping in my mind. In the past, my phone was always ringing with text messages. I always kept it loud enough for me to hear if a message arrived. In school, I would secretly take my phone out of my pocket and hide it from my teacher's eyes and read whatever message had just arrived. My battery was always drained empty or was always low because of the constant ringing or vibration, activation of the screen, and sending of text messages. My thumbs, most of the time, were always pressing the keys of my phone in absolute speed and precision.

As I waited for a tricycle to take me outside, I constantly looked at my 43-minute advanced phone to take note of the time. I would open it slightly, just enough for the LCD on the top side of it to illuminate and display the time in big, bold, black numbers.

10:26

10:27

10:28

Minutes were ticking by. No tricycle appeared to give me a ride.

10:34

10:35

10:36

After an agonizing 10 minutes, I was able to get a tricycle.

It was almost 10:00am. I had almost less than 30 minutes to spare.

I sat behind manong tricycle's back and looked distantly at the scenes flying across my eyes like I always did. As the outside world became blurred with our velocity, I suddenly realized one thing:

I have never left behind my phone before. Never.

I never left it during the times when it was always humming silently in my right pocket, as it waited for me to see its pleasant surprise. It was always with me during the times when it was always loaded. It was always with me during the times I needed to plug my phone to charge it every other day, not like now that even after two days, it still has two out of the three bars lit.

10:37

10:38

10:39

10:40

But now, it tells nothing but time.





I don't need time. I'm tired of waiting.

"Erroneous"

Levantine -- born from deep-seated resentment
Arenne -- born from yearning what is impossible
Zweihander -- born from what is sane, and born to stay sane

---

In the short span of two hours, I was able to understand a probable reason for all the twenty years of my life. Due to my sheer desperation for an answer, I realized something important. The illogical made clear sense and my life was set before me. I am "erroneous" as I never had the chance to see what was right.

I never had the lasting notion of a supportive family when I was little. I never really did not understand what it meant to be a man, and what it took to be one.

I never really knew how it was to grow up not "erroneous". There wasn't anyone at home to teach me how. Dadee was working in Saipan. Mamie was working in a company specializing in washroom care, and she was the division manager. Ate and Kuya had to go to school. All that was left at home was Nanay, Tatay, and probably our househelp who I cannot remember anymore.

Back then, I would only just watch Cedie ride his white stallion across the grounds of his palace. I would intently watch him everyday as the yellow curtains ruffled in my back. Nanay and Tatay would stay in their house as they watched their noontime shows and afternoon soap operas. They taught me a lot of things. I was happy since even if everyone else was away, Nanay and Tatay were there. They both showed their parental devotion and guided me as I grew up. I felt the love of a real mother as Nanay embraced me when I cried, and I felt I had a real father when Tatay took care of me when I fell sick. At least, for a short time, I felt I had a family.

But yes, like all things, I took both of them for granted.

Time quickly passed, soon, Dadee returned from Saipan. That time, he was just a person in a picture. I never really remembered his face, the feel of his hands when he carried me when I was still little, and the feeling of his embrace when he lulled me to sleep as a baby. I always felt distant to Dadee. I can't blame myself since I treated Tatay as my father, and I can't blame Dadee since he needed to work, and Saipan was such a big break for his profession. Time quickly passed, and so did the life of Tatay. I cried the moment I realized that I won't have a father figure sleep beside me every night. Nanay showed her courage, but eventually, her sorrow was too powerful for her to stop.

I hated Tatay for leaving Nanay alone. I hated him for leaving me alone. Who was I supposed to look up to?

Dadee.

I tried to attach my yearnings for a father to Dadee. I tried my best.

But..

You can't blame an innocent kid to stop and think why he was flying his kite alone while his friends were having the best time of their lives with their fathers. You can't blame a kid tremble in fear while his classmates ran to the embrace of their fathers during ghost stories. You can't blame a curious child to ask why he was alone in his tent, while the others slept beside their fathers and embraced each other. You can't blame the same kid that he cannot write anything about his father who was away for so long. You can't possibly expect to make the kid understand why things are like so. His world is too simple for a complex thing like that. You can't blame the kid since he tried his best to look happy and fearless, even if he was crying inside and deeply yearned for his father. You can't blame him since he kept it all inside.

I thought this was the reason why up until now, I am looking for a father figure. As a kid, I was left to fend for myself in the world who deeply despised the "erroneous." My feelings spiraled out of my poor control as my cousins generously crushed my poor self-esteem into bits. I tried to hide in the shadow of my brother, but yes, he remained particularly distant to me as well. Little by little, because of my desires for a father, I grew astray from the feelings of my family. I put up a mask of happiness when I'm with them to hide the broken feelings of a child who lost his father and his guide. I wear this mask everyday so that their own individual notion of a "family" doesn't get clouded by the destroyed image residing in my mind. As persons I live with and as friends, I love them with all my heart. But not as a "family".


I wear a mask

to hide my resentment to Dadee, because he did not embrace me even once.
to conceal my mixed feelings to Mamie, because all I do is understand her feelings.
to erase my anger to Kuya, because he grew up to be normal, and not "erroneous" like me.
to hide my emotions to Ate, because I want her to be happy.

to subdue myself from bursting into tears I am now aware of.


All I want is to feel again the security of having someone to call "daddy." All I want is to be confident in facing the world because I have a daddy that I can run to, and feel safe, secure, and sound in his endearing embrace.

But maybe it's too late now.


Tatay, sorry kung naging ganito ako. Ikaw naman kasi eh, ang aga mo namatay. Iniwan mo kami ni Nanay dati. Ngayong wala na rin si Nanay, iniwan niyo akong mag-isa. Pero sana masaya na kayo diyan kung nasaan man kayo. Nanay, Tatay, I love you. Alam kong alam niyo yun miski hindi ko sinasabi dati. Miss ko na kayong dalawa.

Pamamaalam?

Kagabi (o kaninang madaling araw), nanonood kami ni Ate nang isang palabas sa ANC. Ala-1 na yata iyon ng madaling araw. Hindi pa kasi ako dinadalaw ng antok, kaya pinagtiyagaan ko ang palabas na iyon. Ayaw rin kasing pahawakin sa akin ni Ate yung remote. Hindi ko lang talaga maalala ang pamagat ng palabas na ito, ngunit tungkol ito sa mga prosesong kailangan upang makakuha ng American Visa, at ang mga paraan upang ma-naturalize ang isang tao. Pinag-usapan din dito ang mga katanungan ng mga taong nagkaroon ng mga samu't saring problema tungkol sa kanilang mga petition; dahil namatay ang kanilang tatay na may green card; ang kanilang asawa ay hindi pa pala tunay na hiwalay sa kanyang naunang esposo; o lumagpas na sila sa edad na dalawampu't isa.

Taimtim na pinanonood ni Ate ang naturang palabas. Tahimik niyang pinakikinggan ang mga sinasabi nung abogadong nagtatalakay at sumasagot sa mga tanong. Lagi niya rin akong sinusuway tuwing mag-iingay at guguluhin ko siya. Medyo doon lamang pumasok sa isip ko na nars nga pala itong si Ate at kung siya'y papalarin sa kanyang English Proficiency Exam, tutungo na siya sa Estados Unidos at doon na magtatrabaho. Mangilang beses niya rin saking ipinaunawa na mas malaki talaga ang sahod ng isang nars sa Estados Unidos kung ikukumpara dito sa Pilipinas. Unti-unti'y kinausap niya ako tungkol sa mga bagay bagay sa kanyang isip, at unti-unti ring humina ang dinig namin sa talakayang nagaganap sa telebisyon noong mga sandaling iyon.

Uminog ang aming usapan sa pagkuha ng green card. Paulit-ulit kong nabanggit si Tito Ben, ang bunsong kapatid ni Mamie, at ang kanyang asawang nars, si Tita Melo. Sa New Jersey na sila nakatira simula noong pumasa si Tita Melo sa NCLEX, isa sa mga pinakamahahalagang eksamen para sa isang nars. Hindi ko alam kung ano talaga ito, ngunit ang sabi sa akin ni Ate, kung maipapasa niya ang NCLEX, magiging madali na para sa kanya ang makakuha ng immigrant visa at sa lumaon, ang green card status. Magiging madali na rin para sa amin na magkaroon ng American citizenship.

"Huh? Pati kami?"

Isa raw kasi sa mga privileges ng mga nagtatrabahong nars sa Estados Unidos ang isama ang kanilang immediate family sa kanilang pagtatrabaho. Ang plano ni Ate, kung siya'y papalarin na pumasa (na alam kong papasa siya dahil naniniwala ako sa kanya), isasama na niya sina Mamie at Dadee kung saan mang state siya magtatrabaho. Magiging madali na rin para sa amin ni Kuya ang makapunta sa Amerika at ma-naturalize nang hindi lumaon dahil immediate family pa rin namin si Ate. Basta ganito ang proseso ng embahada. Hindi pa rin masyadong malinaw ang lahat para kay Ate dahil nga hindi pa niya kinukuha ang kanyang mga eksamen para siya'y makaalis na sa Pilipinas.

Ngayon ko lang naintindihan ang pag-aapura ni Mamie kay Ate para kunin na ang kanyang NCLEX, IELTS, at kung ano pang kailangang pagsusulit.

Matapos ang Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?, natulog na kami ni Ate. Mag aalas-2 na yata ng madaling araw iyon. Miski inaantok na, hindi ko pa rin magawang makatulog dahil sa dami ng mga bagay na pumapasok sa aking isipan.

Hindi pala malayong pagkatapos na pagkatapos kong mag-aral sa Ateneo, lilipad na ako patungong ibang bansa. Hindi pa ito tiyak, ngunit isa itong posibilidad na maaaring mangyari.

Nabagabag ako dahil ang dami ko pang gustong gawin dito sa Pilipinas. Gusto ko sanang magtrabaho dito kahit sa maikling panahon lang. May mga kaibigan pa akong ni hindi ko pa nakikita kahit na isang beses at nakikilala sa personal. Hindi ako masyadong nabagabag na maaaring ako na ang magpatakbo ng aming tahanan sa 24 Mt. Shasta kung sakaling umalis na sina Mamie, Dadee, at si Ate. Ang talagang kumurot sa aking isipan at sa aking puso na rin ay ang katotohanang isang araw, aalis ako ng bansa, at iiwan ang aking mga kaibigan. Oo, alam kong dala-dala ko ang lahat ng kanilang ala-ala sa aking puso, isipan, at diwa, ngunit hindi ko pa rin maalis sa utak ko na aalis ako't iiwanan ko sila.

Gusto ko sanang lagi akong nasa tabi nila sa mga oras na kailangan nila ng isang kaibigang hindi sila iiwan.

Ganoon kasi ang isang kaibigan.

Dear DrumMania, Tomo II Blg 3

Dear DrumMania,

Kamusta ka na?

Pasensya ka na kung ngayon lamang ako makakapagsulat sa iyo, DM. Medyo tinamad kasi ako kahapon dahil ginagawa ko yung part ko sa Sci10 presentation namin. Hindi ko nga alam ang balita sa mga kagrupo ko eh. Dinivide na namin ni Erin yung work, pero mukhang wala pang nangyayari. Ewan ko lang ha. Sana lang magawa na nila yan before Wednesday kasi malamang ako yung magkocompile at gagawa nung powerpoint. Sana lang magprovide na din sila ng mga pictures kasi gusto ni Ma'am Perez na maraming pictures yung report. "Substantiate your reports." Yan yung palagi niyang sinasabi. Sana naman sa Friday, hindi siya those days. You know, those days. Alam mo na yun.

At alam mo bang drinking chlorinated water with a chlorine concentration greater than 100 ppb can be cancerous? Yan kasi yung part ko. [Naantala dahil nakalimutan na namang nagpopost pala dahil nadistract dahil sa fact na kaunting ayos na lang, magiging ranked beatmap na yung unang beatmap ko sa Osu!] Dangerous uminom ng chlorinated drinking water dahil nagkakaroon ng organochlorines at trihalomethanes na toxic sa katawan. Drinking chlorinated water could result into bladder and rectal cancer, so watch out kapag magsiswimming, lalo na't malapit na ang summer.

At alam mo ba, nag-overnight yata si King boy sa Timezone. Kasi nung binisita kita, siya pa rin yung naglalaro. Nakakainis at hindi ko na naman nakita yung mga bagong characters sa Tekken 6.

Uuwi pala kaming Bulacan ngayon na hindi ko alam. Kahapon lang ng gabi ko nalaman. Hindi ako sumama kasi gagawin ko yung powerpoint para sa presentation namin sa Friday (na ginawa ko naman talaga). Dahil mag-isa ako sa bahay, naramdaman ko ulit how liberating it is to walk around the house naked. Well, hindi naman ako nagtagal na nakahubad. Naglakad lang akong nakahubad mula sa kuwarto ko hanggang sa banyo ko at pabalik pagkatapos kong maligo. Siyempre, madilim kaya ginawa ko yun. Hindi ko yun gagawin kung may ilaw yung hallway dahil mahirap na, baka may paparazzi pala or baka madiscover ako as the next biggest pornstar. Ang bastos mo! Biggest as in the greatest! Ikaw ha, naughty ka rin pala paminsan. Haha.

Sinubukan ko rin nga pala yung Seiron ADV na manual sa pinsan mo. Siyempre hindi ako nagfail, pero C lang yung nakuha ko. Not bad for a first try, I guess.

Ayos naman ako DM. I can say na I'm better. Alam mo yun dahil sa S/S/S/A/B kong score nung naglaro ako nung Saturday. Sana lang, magtagal itong nararamdaman kong ito. Hindi kasi maaaring forever kahit gusto kong maging forever, dahil alam mo naman na the only permanent thing is change. O di ba, ang ironic?

Anyway, hanggang dito na lang muna. Maglalaro na muna ako ng Warriors Orochi kasi iiinstall pa ni kuya yung iTunes niya.

Ingatan mo ang iyong bass pedal. Sana ayusin na nila yung mga pundido mong ilaw at LCD, kung hindi pa nila inaayos.



Nagmamahal,
Rudolf na excited nang maging ranked beatmap ang Bump of Chicken - Sailing Day by Zweihander at kasalukuyang ginagawa ang Evil-Dog - The Quest of Your Life [Easy] by Zweihander

AMC125 Long Test 1

First long test namin bukas sa AMC125. Mamatay kami sa Escaler Hall at 4:30-6:30pm. Ho noes dahil bawal na daw ang cheat sheets/notecards/index cards/some-other-term-for-kodigo. Well, siguro napansin ni Muga na cheating iyon. Kaya ho noes talaga.

Sinubukan ko namang mag-aral para sa long test na iyan no. Gusto ko kasing mag-DL this sem para sa first sem ng junior year ko, papayagan akong mag-overload. Gusto ko kasi sanang magminor in Japanese Studies at kunin yung Specialization Track for Game Design. Overkill daw kasi mag-overload sa senior year dahil daw soupysnax ang thesis. At oo nga pala, non-existent pa ang Specialization Tracks, pero at least naman na kung magkaroon na in the future, macredit yung mga subjects na itetake ko na, kung magawa ko ngang mag-DL. 15 units daw ang specialization, ayon sa mga upper classmen. 18 units ang minor in Japanese Studies, na kung saan natake ko na ang 3 units of JSP I: Introduction to Japanese Language and Culture I at tinetake ngayon ang 3 units ng Hi16: Asian History. Kung hindi ako magsespecialize, 6 units lang ang aking kailangan ioverload. Kung kukunin ko pareho, gagamitin ko lahat ng aking 2 free electives at 3 CS electives para sa specialization, meaning 12 units ang kailangan kong ioverload para sa minor.

O, so anong kalokohan itong ginagawa mo? Bakit hindi ka nag-aaral kung ganun?

Nag-aral na po kasi ako kanina sa Matteo. I tried my best to study. Talaga. As in I tried my best. Sinubukan kong mag-aral mula 1:00 hanggang mga 3:30 ng hapon kasama sina EJ, Sher, Raf, Nelvin, at si Thomas. Sinubukan kong sumagot ng mga exercise para lalo ko pang matandaan yung mga inaral ko, pero hindi ko naman nasagutan lahat. Nakakainis kasi yang Decomposition Theory of Chromatic Polynomials eh. Sino ba na naman kasi yung bored mathematician na gumawa ng Chromatic Number? Dapat kasi kumuha na lang siya ng equivalent ng Crayola nung time nila at yun na lang ang ginamit na pangkulay sa graph. Sumakit talaga ang ulo ko. Nahilo ako at narinig kong tumili ng "TAMA NAA!" ang aking occiptial lobe at naramdaman kong mag-tap out ang aking frontal, temporal, at parietal lobes. Puyat din kasi ako kagabi eh. Pagod na pagod naman ako, pero yung utak ko ay sobrang hyper. Uminom yata ng arnibal at kumain ng Ferrero nang hindi ko napansin. Humiga ako sa kama ko at nakatulog ng mga ala-una ng madaling araw, tapos nagising na lang ako ng mga alas-tres ng umaga dahil umaapaw na yung tubig. Pagkatapos nun, hindi na makapagdesisyon ang aking utak kung papatulugin ba ako o hindi. Sa dalawang oras na iyon, nagkaroon yata ako ng humigi't kumulang 30 instances of power napping. Dalawang panaginip lang yung natatandaan ko.

So anyway, napadpad ang aming pag-aaral sa pag-uusap ng mga nostalgic anime pati na rin yung mga bago. Ang dami naming pinag-usapan: Sailormoon, Akazukin Chacha, Yaiba, Wedding Peach, Bleach, Jigoku Shoujo, Cooking Master Boy, at marami pang iba. Basta marami, hindi ko lang maalala ng mabuti dahil disfunctional ang aking memory-retrieval apparatus. Tanga rin nga pala ang translator ng Ericsson phones. Isipin mo bang "Web Mga Pahina" ang translation ng "Web Pages"? Kumain din nga pala kami sa McDo. Doon ko nakita na hindi mga mukhang matalino ang mga taga high school ngayon. Baka daw dahil sa MSGs sabi ni EJ, Monosodium Glutamate yata ang sabi ni Raf.

Naka-uwi ako ng mga 6:30 ng gabi. Magbabasa sana ako ng tungkol sa Sepoy Mutiny para sa history when I decided to have a 10-minute nap. Doon ko lang nalaman na 10 minutes lang pala ang pagitan ng 6:30 at 9:30pm.

"Ditch AMC!" sabi ni Sher kanina. Magical naman kasi ang grading system ni Mugalicious Mugababes eh. Yung isa kong blockie, F lahat ng long tests niya last sem, pero D ang final grade niya.

"Muga is so... inspiring." Nagtawanan silang lahat.

Hindi naman ako namomoblema na babagsak ako sa AMC eh. Alam ko namang kaya ko. What frustrates me is that I cannot deliver adequately and appropriately to my satisfaction all the material I studied. Naiinis ako na nag-aral naman ako, pero ang baba pa rin ng mga nakukuha kong grade. F for F-fort talaga, ftw.

Well, baka naman kasi my best isn't good enough. Well lagi namang ganun.

Nanay, alam kong nasa heaven ka na ngayon. Hanapin mo naman si Kuratowski or si Euler or yung nag-imbento ng Graph Coloring and Chomatic Number at pakirequest naman na sapian ako bukas ng 4:30-6:30 ng hapon. Pakisabi rin na hanggang 6:30 lang silang pwedeng sumanib kasi pupunta akong Gateway bukas pagkatapos ng long test na ito dahil nung Monday ko pa gustong pumunta at hindi ako tumutuloy dahil pinag-aaralan ko ang kanilang genius.

Tatlong taon ka na palang wala sa piling namin nanay. Miss ka na namin. Miss na kita. Miss ko na yung mga hopia mong paborito, yung pagsagot mo ng Filipino crossword ng People's Tonight, yung makapal mong salamin, yung mga tawa mong tinatapos mo palagi sa "ay", at yung ganda ng iyong ngiti dahil maganda ang iyong pustiso.

Kung hindi ko man nasabi nung nandito ka pa, mahal na mahal kita nanay. Sana ay masaya ka na ngayong kapiling mo nang muli si tatay.