Tatay, Miss na Kita

Why is it that you'll never know how important a person is to you until they're gone? Even if you know someone is important in your life, you will never really measure, if it is measurable, how valuable a person is to you. Is someone's worth measured by how frequently and how intense your longing is for that person? Is it a sign that a person is most dear to you if you yearn for their presence?

Today is Tatay's 12th death anniversary. He passed away when I was nine years old. He was fondly called Toyo by my family since almost always, he had those unexplainable fits -- toyo. I remember the same spot where I cried when we received the news on his passing. Nanay and I mourned as we gently gave him our flowers as he descended to the earth, to the arms of our loving creator. I remember the cloudy day of August 3, 1997, a day when a light drizzle became a heavy, short shower. It was a day when I saw Nanay cry silently as she looked up the sky and bade Tatay a final, endearing farewell.

Twelve years ago, I lost the person whom I called my father.

I lost the person I sought refuge to after a day full of teases and tears. I lost the person whom I told all my little victories, the small times I conquered the seas of my insecurites in my simple life back then. Twelve years ago, I lost a part of myself, never to be returned forever.

Here I am, standing incomplete under all the realities of life.

Tatay may no longer be here, but he'll be forever the one and only tatay for the rest of my life.


Tatay, masaya ka ba sa kung naging ano ako ngayon?
I love you Tatay. Sana masaya ka na ngayong magkasama na kayo ulit ni Nanay.

Clock Strikes Twenty One - Late by Forty-Eight

Clock Strikes Twenty - Late by Forty-Eight

It was then that a streak of light different from all the rest appeared. It was a familiar spectacle, at least to my eyes. I kept on trying to remember what that was, and after a moment's pause and a skipped heartbeat, I remembered it. I stood my ground and tried to undo the damage the darkness was dealing me.

I remembered the patch of sunshine made for one.

I remembered the time when two hearts beat as one.

In that star of hope, might, and strength, I saw the one and only truth that I was searching for. The midnight ocean was not the evening sky, but were the windows of my eyes. Deep inside my eyes filled with tears of sadness and strength, I saw everything important in the thing I call life.

The clock struck nineteen. I am still not ready.

The clock struck twenty. I'm slowly getting there.


The clock strikes twenty-one, and everything went wrong. Everything, except one. As I search all that what was left, that single memory that remained precious slipped from my weakened grip, to be lost in the endless wait of forever.

I know I will meet you someday, somewhere, some place.


Please wait for me.

Surrogate Security

With his feelings an utter mess and his thoughts in disarray, he felt more vulnerable than ever. He continued to stare straight at the low ceiling of his room as the bitter cold slowly ate the warmth of his feet and his eyes dried up in the absence of the tears that one flowed down his bony cheeks. Consciously and unconsciously, he was tossing in his bed from side to side every minute or so, like prey writhing to escape with dear life as the fangs of the hunters clamped down its bare neck. Something was stuck in the deepest parts of his being, something that was not there before. It clogged his desire for happiness and warmth. For some reason or another, he just wanted to close his eyes, and enter the world of his dreams. He hoped never to wake up again in the cold and piercing embrace of the nightmares of his confused heart.

But the cold was too painful to bear. The abnormal weather made his self-inflicted wounds throb with an increasing wave of pain that emanated across his entirety. He wished to weep, but his tears were in mourning. His tears were grieving the loss of his precious skies full of aspirations as it broke into the shale storms that were saturated with uncertainty and broken promises. His blanket never seemed to protect him from the cold that was slowly taking his sanity. He kept kicking and shuffling, but his efforts were all for nothing. In a last, desperate attempt to kindle a small flame of hope to provide him the warmth and the light he needed, he reached for his long legs and tucked them close to his body. He yearned for the security of his mother's womb, the kind of devotion where one would protect the other with everything they have.

His sight was slowly growing dark despite the small night light turned on. He thought he was finally falling asleep. But a sharp, invisible pain inside him jolted him into the reality that he was falling into yet another dangerous pit of his emotions. It was one of those instances where he felt the chilling embrace of the most unending darkness one could face.

With the last remaining ounce of his strength, he reached out his hand to hold onto something. He reached out his hand to save himself from another ironically agonizing fall into the world he is so accustomed to. He reached something warm, soft, and pleasant to the touch. As he grabbed the object which seemed to be brimming with affection, he placed his head on it. A subtle warmth calmed his body down, and after a few moments, he regained the sanity which was sapped by the unknown hunters of his night. He felt alive once again.

He realized that all was but a dream forcefully transgressing his sleep.




In his dreams, the pillow was his source of warmth, life, and happiness. It was everything, and it meant everything to him.

But in his waking consciousness, the reality remains that the pillow is nothing more than just a pillow, something that will never return all his yearnings for security. The reality remains that he still stands under the starless sky that he has wrongly wished for himself.


---


ay rai
pede ba kita maging surrogate sister?

meaning?

uh
like
family outside my home
kasi na dedepress na ako sa sarili ko dahil I find my family disfunctional when I know it isn't
ang shits kasi ng mga drama sapaks ko sometimes

you don't find me dysfunctional?

para sa akin hindi

hahaha
ok
i'm just here

sometimes i wonder
am i like selfish or something?
kasi all i ever do is run to you guys kapag namomroblema ako or something

no you're just in need of love and affection
we all do
that's what friends are for

thanks rai>:D<

>:D<

A Candle in the Wind (A Memory Fades - Final Light)

November 1, 2008
Sta. Maria Public Cemetery, Sta. Maria, Bulacan

The unpredictable weather seemed to resume its usual dryness. The weather was such a friend as my cousins and I walked along the cramped street leading to the entrance of the public cemetery. The place had a very different feel from Loyola: it was robust, lively, and full of energy. It was a weird feeling. It was very strange to brush my arms with an endless array of strangers. It was very uncomfortable to see hundreds and hundreds of curious eyes taking a glimpse into the eyes of a person hailing from Manila. It was difficult to remain calm and collected as the innocent stares of passers-by became an invisible, immaterial ridicule to my tired and heavy eyes.

The agony did not stop there. Inside the cemetery, the heat was remarkably impossible. The cool air brushing about and the cloudy sky that curtained the intense heat of the sun seemed to have dissipated. The air became saturated with the mixed smell of dead flowers, wax, and human perspiration. Sweat started to trickle down my back as I started to realize the heat from the numerous candles planted in front of the nitsos and the heat from the huge amount of people cramming themselves into the white city of apartments with marble addresses. After a seemingly endless journey and after another hundred more people beaten by their curiosity, we arrived to where the ancestors of Mamie lay.

There was no place to sit. So I decided to shred a plastic bag, and sit on top of Lolo's nitso.

I was successful in establishing a nook for myself in that chaotic world, but I was unable to draw a separate peace to calm my inner self being tossed around by towering waves in the middle of a heaven-shattering sea storm.

Soon, the gray skies slowly turned into an unsure relative of purple. My back ached tremendously as kids climbed up the tallest apartments and made a playground out of the flat surfaces of other people's eternal peace. I watched them play, sing, joke around, and even dance to a beat I was deaf of. They watched in awe as the kingly presence of the betrayed sun withdrew and let the crescent moon and her darkness creep in silently. As the darkness slowly claimed her reign in the sky, the candles with all their memories made their presence more real. The candles made their presence more meaningful.

The candles burned vigorously and brightly as the sky became a deep ceiling of uncertainty. It was unnatural that all the candles, different in their shapes, sizes, and colors, seemed to be all the same to my eyes shrouded by confusion. They seemed to burn in a monotonous manner, as if all the wicks present in my vision were all chanting an unheard mantra which made me more and more desperate for answers. Distraught, confused, and feeling lonely, I gently tucked my legs closer to my body and embraced them as I tried to draw an empty sense of security from an evenly empty part of my being.

And just about that time, a strong force ravaged across the cemetery. A sudden burst of wind turned the monochromatic burn of the candles into an ocean of vermilion embers. The smell of forgotten memories coalesced about and condensed the air that filled my lungs. All candles died at the same moment as they burned all at the same time, and all at the same manner.



All,

except one.



Nanay, 83 ka na dapat ngayon kung hindi mo ako iniwan. Happy Birthday. I love you, at miss na miss ko na kayo ni Tatay.

"Erroneous"

Levantine -- born from deep-seated resentment
Arenne -- born from yearning what is impossible
Zweihander -- born from what is sane, and born to stay sane

---

In the short span of two hours, I was able to understand a probable reason for all the twenty years of my life. Due to my sheer desperation for an answer, I realized something important. The illogical made clear sense and my life was set before me. I am "erroneous" as I never had the chance to see what was right.

I never had the lasting notion of a supportive family when I was little. I never really did not understand what it meant to be a man, and what it took to be one.

I never really knew how it was to grow up not "erroneous". There wasn't anyone at home to teach me how. Dadee was working in Saipan. Mamie was working in a company specializing in washroom care, and she was the division manager. Ate and Kuya had to go to school. All that was left at home was Nanay, Tatay, and probably our househelp who I cannot remember anymore.

Back then, I would only just watch Cedie ride his white stallion across the grounds of his palace. I would intently watch him everyday as the yellow curtains ruffled in my back. Nanay and Tatay would stay in their house as they watched their noontime shows and afternoon soap operas. They taught me a lot of things. I was happy since even if everyone else was away, Nanay and Tatay were there. They both showed their parental devotion and guided me as I grew up. I felt the love of a real mother as Nanay embraced me when I cried, and I felt I had a real father when Tatay took care of me when I fell sick. At least, for a short time, I felt I had a family.

But yes, like all things, I took both of them for granted.

Time quickly passed, soon, Dadee returned from Saipan. That time, he was just a person in a picture. I never really remembered his face, the feel of his hands when he carried me when I was still little, and the feeling of his embrace when he lulled me to sleep as a baby. I always felt distant to Dadee. I can't blame myself since I treated Tatay as my father, and I can't blame Dadee since he needed to work, and Saipan was such a big break for his profession. Time quickly passed, and so did the life of Tatay. I cried the moment I realized that I won't have a father figure sleep beside me every night. Nanay showed her courage, but eventually, her sorrow was too powerful for her to stop.

I hated Tatay for leaving Nanay alone. I hated him for leaving me alone. Who was I supposed to look up to?

Dadee.

I tried to attach my yearnings for a father to Dadee. I tried my best.

But..

You can't blame an innocent kid to stop and think why he was flying his kite alone while his friends were having the best time of their lives with their fathers. You can't blame a kid tremble in fear while his classmates ran to the embrace of their fathers during ghost stories. You can't blame a curious child to ask why he was alone in his tent, while the others slept beside their fathers and embraced each other. You can't blame the same kid that he cannot write anything about his father who was away for so long. You can't possibly expect to make the kid understand why things are like so. His world is too simple for a complex thing like that. You can't blame the kid since he tried his best to look happy and fearless, even if he was crying inside and deeply yearned for his father. You can't blame him since he kept it all inside.

I thought this was the reason why up until now, I am looking for a father figure. As a kid, I was left to fend for myself in the world who deeply despised the "erroneous." My feelings spiraled out of my poor control as my cousins generously crushed my poor self-esteem into bits. I tried to hide in the shadow of my brother, but yes, he remained particularly distant to me as well. Little by little, because of my desires for a father, I grew astray from the feelings of my family. I put up a mask of happiness when I'm with them to hide the broken feelings of a child who lost his father and his guide. I wear this mask everyday so that their own individual notion of a "family" doesn't get clouded by the destroyed image residing in my mind. As persons I live with and as friends, I love them with all my heart. But not as a "family".


I wear a mask

to hide my resentment to Dadee, because he did not embrace me even once.
to conceal my mixed feelings to Mamie, because all I do is understand her feelings.
to erase my anger to Kuya, because he grew up to be normal, and not "erroneous" like me.
to hide my emotions to Ate, because I want her to be happy.

to subdue myself from bursting into tears I am now aware of.


All I want is to feel again the security of having someone to call "daddy." All I want is to be confident in facing the world because I have a daddy that I can run to, and feel safe, secure, and sound in his endearing embrace.

But maybe it's too late now.


Tatay, sorry kung naging ganito ako. Ikaw naman kasi eh, ang aga mo namatay. Iniwan mo kami ni Nanay dati. Ngayong wala na rin si Nanay, iniwan niyo akong mag-isa. Pero sana masaya na kayo diyan kung nasaan man kayo. Nanay, Tatay, I love you. Alam kong alam niyo yun miski hindi ko sinasabi dati. Miss ko na kayong dalawa.

Ang Salamin ni Miss Zambrano

Aaminin kong isa siyang malaki at punyetang bitch in a small package noong first day ng second year high school. Pero nakakagulat isipin na itong punyetang bitch na ito pala ang isa sa mga magiging favorite teacher ko sa buong apat na taon ko sa Mataas na Paaralan ng Ateneo de Manila (na walang kwenta ang sistema at curriculum, buti na lang at iniba na ito).

Bakit naman ngayon lang makalipas ng mahigit apat na taon ako nagbibigay tribute para kay Ma'am Zambie? Nanonood kasi ako ng How Do They Do It? sa Discovery kanina, at bigla kong naalala yung salamin na hiniram ko kay Diane Inday. Ganoon kasi ang style ng salamin ni Miss Zambrano. O 'di ba, napakarandom ko?

Biology teacher ko si Miss Zambrano nung high school pa ako. Siya ang nagturo sa amin kung para saan ba ang electron transport chain, ang pagkakaiba ng mitosis at meiosis, ang human body at ang iba't ibang systems at organs na nabibilang dito at kung ano ba ang kaukulang function nito sa body, ang codons, genes, at ang base pairing system na kung saan guanine pairs with cytosine at adenine pairs with thymine (si G-CAT yung imaginary base pairing pusa ko), at yung iba pang mga bagay na pinag-aaralan ng isang second year sa Ateneo High School. Hindi ko makakalimutan yung different flavored writing materials niya sa greenboard (blackboard na green): meron daw chocolate, vanilla, bubblegum, strawberry, mango/lemon/pineapple, at grapes. Ang ganda kasi ng mga notes ni Miss Zambrano, eh. Lagi tuloy ako inspired na gandahan din ang notes ko sa Biology, para na rin maibenta ko ito sa mga classmates kong tamad kumopya ng notes na daig pa si Helen of Troy dahil her notes could launch a million ships. Siyempre, exaggerated na ito.

Naaalala ko rin ang mga long test ko na laging ako ang pinakamataas. Kung tama ang pagkakaalala ko, sa siyam na long test namin sa Biology, tatlo kada term, walo dun ako yung pinakamataas. Pinakamababa ko yatang nakuha sa isang long test ni Miss Zambrano ay 45/50, at ang pinakamataas ko ay 49/50. Lagi ring nagbibigay ng chocolate si Miss Zambrano sa tatlong pinakamatataas sa kanyang mga long test. kaya lagi akong may nakukuhang Three Musketeers o Milky Way. Naaalala ko rin yung trichoderma harzianum dun sa in-vitro lab experiment namin dati at yung handwritten lab report na kasama nito. Kinawawa rin namin ang isang heart ng baboy para sa aming lesson tungkol sa circulatory system. Naaalala ko pa na ang left at right sides ng heart ay matatagpuan sa right at left sides ng katawan, respectively. Naroon din ang tricuspid at bicuspid valves, ang aorta, at ang superior and inferior vena cavas (or cavae).

Sa totoo lang, naging favorite subject ko ang Biology dahil kay Miss Zambrano. Ang galing niya kasi magturo. Ako naman, laging nag-aaral at ginagalingan sa mga presentations at mga quizzes niya dahil magaling siya magturo. Naging interesting para sa akin ang Biology dahil bukod sa pinag-aralan namin ang penis and glans, scrotum, testicles, vagina, uterus, ovaries, at ang fallopian tubes, interesting din kasi iyang si Miss Zambrano. There is something in her na miski man isa siyang malaki at punyetang bitch in an ironically small package, rerespetuhin mo siya at igagalang in such a way na malalapitan mo siya ng hindi natatakot at mababati at makakausap mo siya kapag nagkasalubong kayo sa may lobby ng MST.

Pero ngayon, hindi ko na alam kung nasaan si Miss Zambrano. Wala na akong balita sa kanya mula third year high school. Ang alam ko contact ko siya sa Friendster, pero tatlong taon ko na yata hindi ginagalaw ang account ko na iyon. Pero ayos lang naman, dahil tuwing nakikita ko at isinusuot ang salamin ni Diane Inday, naaalala ko yung moments na kung saan hangang hanga ako kay Miss Zambrano.

Hindi yan bola, ah. As if naman may magagawa pa ang pambobola ngayong third year college na ako.

Midterms (ng Alin?)

Napakabilis ng panahon.

Parang nung isang araw lang nung nakatayo ako sa may harap na ng Berchmans dahil sa haba ng pila sa cashier. Parang the other lang nung pumila ako para magbayad nang wala. Parang last Wednesday lang din nung paulit-ulit kong tinanong sa aking sarili kung bakit mas marami ang available tellers (dahil hindi ko alam kung ano ba ang dapat itawag sa kanila) sa check payments kaysa sa cash gayun namang mas marami ang nakapila papuntang Xavier hall dala-dala ang mga sobreng naglalaman ng humigit sa P80,000.00 kung sila man ay magbabayad ng isang bagsakan.

Parang kahapon lang ang first day of summer classes na kung saan pinagpawisan ako ng galon galon dahil sa init. Naaalala ko pa yung pagmumura ko sa aking isipan tuwing hahakbang ako dahil sobra ang init noon. Naaalala ko pa yung pitong daan animnapu't siyam na ehepletibong kumain sa aking isipang hindi napapagod pag-isipan yung mga bagay na hindi naman na dapat pag-isipan. Naaalala ko pa yung moments na kung saan nainis ako sa sarili ko dahil hindi ako umupo sa ilalim ng ceiling fans at naupo sa isang miserableng sulok ng SOM203 na kung saan tinabihan pa ako ng isang plump person. Kahapon ko lang din yata nalaman na si Sir Vidal pala si chubby long hair sa DrumMania sa Gateway. Parang kani-kanina lang nangyari yung second day ng summer classes na kung saan masaya ako dahil lumipat ako sa other side ng SOM203 dahil permanent seats na daw for the summer sem ayon kay Mrs. Lopez. Parang kanina lang din nagpakilala si Anton sa akin, when in fact, halos tatlong linggo nang nangyari iyon.

Bumibilis na naman ang takbo ng oras. Bumibilis na ulit ang takbo ng oras.

Kanina, midterms namin sa CS177. In general, madali lang siya, pero nakakalito pa rin kasi hindi mo malaman yung mga tamang values na ilalagay mo dun sa mga fields ng mga matrices na involved. Well, may 20-item 60-point matching type naman na medyo sisiw, kaya ayos lang miski na sabog yung matrices involved para makuha yung bagong coordinates ng nunal ni Charlize Spheresomthing sa left side ng kanyang neck matapos ang kanyang pagpapataba along the X and Z axes at yung pag-tilt ng kanyang ulo para umanggulo at makuha ang kanyang "snapshot to stardom."

Parang kailan lang nung una kong makilala ang Block N nung OrSem naming Viaje. Pero sinabi ko na itong mga bagay of the same line as this many many many times already.

Nakakagulat lang isipin na nasa kalahati na ako ng aking pag-aaral sa college. Hindi rin ako makapaniwala na in less than 30 days, 20 years old na ako. Hindi ko pa rin talaga ma-imagine na 20 na ako, kasabay ng hindi ko ma-imagine kung ano na ang ginagawa ko sa buhay kapag 30 na ako.

Hay nako.

Siguro, lahat tayo ay 3-D lamang talaga. Well, sabi ng iba, oras daw ang fourth dimension. Yes, we live in our own time, but we can't do anything to control it. We can't do anything to make happy moments extend to eternity or make depressing moments vanish in a blink of an eye.

Ang bilis talaga ng panahon. At dahil sa bilis nito, ang dami kong hindi nakitang mga magagandang bagay na nangyayari na pala sa buhay ko. Ang tagal kong nanatili sa dilim. Sobrang tagal na hindi pa rin ako makakita miski na napadpad na ako sa liwanag.

---

Call my name and save me from the dark
- Evanescence, "Wake me up Inside"

Summer Classes: Tinatamad na Ako (Maniwala)

Dahil five years dapat ang BS Computer Science at isa itong four-year course sa aking pamantasan, required ako mag-summer tuwing taon dahil kung hindi kasi, nasa 24 units ang aking normal load. Mas magaan ito kung ikukumpara sa mga kaklase ko dati sa high school na sa UST na nag-aaral. Sabi nila, umaabot sila ng lagpas 30 units kada sem. Ibig sabihin nun, alas-7 ng umaga hanggang alas-7 ng gabi ang mga klase nila. Okay na rin sana na may summer lagi, kasi may pasok equals may baon, pero nakakatamad kasing maglakad sa ilalim nang mainit na sinag ng araw tuwing alas-10 ng umaga at alas-3 ng hapon. Nakakatamad ding pumasok lalo na't may mga kilala kang papeteks-peteks na lang ngayon habang ikaw ay abala sa pagbabasa ng "When Jesus Shaves" na reading para sa iyong Sa21 class ngayong summer sem. Well, hindi ko naman pinalalabas na hindi rin ako pumepeteks-peteks. Nakakatamad talaga kasi. At isa pa, boring kasi sina Ms. Andie Soco *bang bang* at si Sir Eric Vidal. Dahil isa akong mabuting estudyante, nakikinig ako at nagno-notes. Sabi ko nga kay idol Jacob, nag-aaral ako kasi gusto kong madistract. It turns out, nag-aaral pala ako ng FAQs ng Chrono Cross at Civilization III: Empires at mga clipart ng heraldry designs. Ang astig kasing tingnan ng Old English sa Coat of Arms na susubukin kong gawin.

Hay. Tinatamad talaga ako. Ang dami kong sinisimulan na hindi ko naman natatapos. Yung canvas shoes ko, hanggang ngayon, hindi pa rin tapos miski na kumpleto na ako sa gamit. Nasimulan ko naman na yung left shoe na kung saan deluge ang motif. Ang balak ko sa right shoe ay inferno. At hanggang ngayon, nananatiling hindi nagagalaw at natutuloy ang Firefly ~ Boku wa Ikiteiku.txt. Stuck pa rin ang aking translation sa ikasampung stanza.

Siguro, tamad lang talaga ako. Hindi ko na ngayon tinutuloy ang aking narcissistic regimen tuwing bago maligo. Hindi na rin ako nagbabasa ng readings sa Sa21 on time (like I ever did read a reading on time). Hanggang ngayon, nananatiling makalat at magulo ang aking maliit na silid na malapit nang pintahan ni Kuya Simon.

Pero hindi tinatamad ang isip ko na isipin ang mga alaalang sawa na akong pag-isipan. Nanlamig na ang puso ko sa mga taong kasama sa mga alaalang ito, ngunit tila hindi ako nagsasawang pag-isipan ang nakaraan. Siguro talaga, isa akong tao nang nakaraan.

Wala bang secret pill para tamarin talaga ng tuluyan? As in tatamarin ka rin huminga? Kapag ininom mo yung secret pill na iyon, tatamarin na ang puso mo upang umibig, tatamarin na ang iyong alaala na saktan ka, at tatamarin na rin ang iyong pagkatao para umasa. Kung meron man, tatawagin ko itong "secret pill" kasi kung isinawalat ko ang pangalan nun, e 'di hindi na siya secret.

Ikukuwento ko rin na, nung isang araw, nagyaya si Rai sa kanyang condo. Actually, gusto kong sumama kasi nasa mataas na palapag yung condo niya sa Xanland. Nagyaya si Rai para mag-star gazing kasi may meteor shower daw noon. Nanghina ang loob ko. Naramdaman ko ang paglakas ng daloy ng dugo sa aking katawan at pagbilis ng pintig ng aking puso. Nangatal ang aking paghinga.

Naalala ko ang paborito kong kanta dati. Naalala ko ang Tentai Kansoku.



もう一度君に逢おうとして　望遠鏡をまた担いで
Mou ichido kimi ni aou to shite bouenkyou wo mata katsuide
Intending to meet you once again, I carry the telescope on my shoulder like before
前と同じ　午前二時　フミキリまで駆けてくよ
Mae to onaji gozen niji fumikiri made kaketeku yo
Same as before at two in the morning, I kept running until I reach the railroad crossing
始めようか　天体観測　二分後に　君が来なくとも
Hajimeyou ka tentai kansoku nifungo ni kimi ga konakutomo
Now let's go star gazing, even if you don't come within two minutes
“イマ”という　ほうき星　君と二人追いかけている Oh Yeah Ah Ah Ah Yeah
"Ima" to iu houkiboshi kimi to futari oikakete iru
I will still chase after the comet we call "the present" together with you



Pero ngayon, hindi na ito mangyayari. Mag-isa ko na lang hahabulin si "Ima".

---

明日は今日と同じ未来
Ashita wa kyou to onaji mirai
Tomorrow holds the same future as today

Summer Classes : Dahil ba Mainit?

Grabe talaga yung init. Sobra na. Para nang turbo roaster (convection oven to be more correct) ang SOM203. Grabe ang init. Halos nakakainom ako ng isang litro ng tubig sa span ng dalawang oras. Ang init kasi talaga. Pero, hindi naman ako pinagpapawisan. Hindi rin nga pinagpapawisan ang classmates ko sa SA21 eh. Sobrang init, pero ang weird dahil hindi ka pinagpapawisan. Siguro dahil na rin naging inactive ang aking sweat glands kasi sobrang inantok ako kanina sa lecture ni Ms. Lopez. Puro examples kasi, as in puro examples talaga tungkol sa topic na social imagination. Well, hindi ko masasabing nagets ko talaga ng buong puso at kaluluwa yung lesson, pero nagets ko naman kahit papaano. May masasagot naman ako sayo kung itanong kung ano ang social imagination, yun nga lang, in my own unclear words. Hay basta. Parang connection between an individual and the society, how troubles and issues are related to each other, tapos parang may how social structures shape us as individuals shizzles pa yun. May paper na nga kaming due sa Friday eh. Susubukan ko nang gawin mamaya, tutal one page lang naman at double spaced pa. Wala rin siyang sinabing font, basta sabi niya sa amin, minimum of font size 11. Trebuchet MS 72 na lang gagamitin ko para madali at tapos na agad.

Kinailangan ko rin kanina ng 1x1 dahil dun sa secret problem ko. Well, problema ng pamilya ko. Buti na lang, nakasalubong ko si Krz pagkatapos ng aking SA21 class, at sa kanya ko nalaman na may Kodak pa pala sa may Katipunan. Kaso, isang oras ang kailangan hintayin para sa pagpaparecopy ng aking grad pic (oo, lahat ng requirements na kailangan ng picture, yung grad pic yung ibinibigay ko). So nagpunta na lang muna ako sa Webtown at naglaro ng DotA. Napilit akong ako nung katabi ko na sumali sa 3 on 3 miski na paulit-ulit kong sinasabi sa kaniya na noobie na ulit ako kasi nga ang tagal tagal ko nang hindi naglalaro. Well, ayos lang naman, ako yung fumirst blood kasi mukhang mas noob pa yata sa akin yung Sand King.

Ayun. Nung kinuha ko na yung picture ko, pinagpawisan na ako ng todo. Hindi na ako nakakain ng lunch kasi CS177 na after kong gawin yung kailangan kong gawin. Buti na lang, hindi ako nagkasakit kasi basa ako ng pawis at aircon ang F204.

Tinuloy namin ang history of computer graphics. Alam mo bang ang first full-length animated movie na nanalo sa Academy Awards ay ang Beauty and the Beast nung 1991? CG rendered daw yung ballroom dun sa scene na sumasayaw sina Belle at si Beast (ano nga ba talaga ang pangalan ni Beast?). Nagkaroon kami ng surprise quiz, at sad to say, 8/10 lang ako kasi hindi ko natandaan yung interaction part ng computer graphics at nalimutan ko yung world sa Westworld, yung first film ever to have CGs placed in it.

After ng CS177, kumain ako sa caf. Sumama sakin si Nelvin, at nakapag-usap kami ng mga bagay-bagay. Medyo matagal na rin kasi kaming hindi nakakapag-usap nitong si Nelvin dahil sa mga bagay na nangyari sa akin. Wala lang, masaya ako kanina kasi ang fun ng mga bagay na napag-usapan namin.

Pauwi, meron akong nakita. Hindi ko alam kung bakit nagsibalikan lahat nung mga alaalang nasimulan ko nang makalimutan kahit papaano. Biglang naubos yung mga thoughts ko tungkol dun sa pinag-usapan namin ni Nelvin at napunta lahat ng aking active memory dun sa mga memories na iyon. Hindi ko talaga alam kung bakit.

Baka dahil sa init.

---

It is not easy to forget since we cherish those memories in the most difficult of times.
- Orbiter
(paraphrased kasi hindi ko maalala yung exact words, hehe)

Embracing What Your Heart Believes In (Beginnings and Endings Under a Starless Sky: Crisis Point -- Final Stasis)

I was getting used to the overwhelming noise and disturbing thoughts my mind races through everyday, especially when I lay on my bed, trying to get some sleep. There were a series of truths that were revealed to me over these past two weeks. Those truths were truths that I know, but have been kept astray for some reason the past kept on holding on tightly. After a whole week of sleepless nights and 18-hour struggles, I woke up with a clear mind. The silence was deafening. It was then that I asked myself if I was really letting go.

A part of me remained crying.

A part of me felt everything will be alright.

A part of me consumed itself with anger.

I talked with a best friend of mine since high school. It was something he said that made me feel this way.


Ang best friends..kahit na anong sobrang laki ng problem nyan
BEST FRIENDS pa rin


I was keeping myself distracted with all my might for me not to think about this. Now, I am trapped once again in between the walls of consequences, reality, happiness, and dreams. Inside that windowless room, I keep asking myself what I'm supposed to do. Should I let go and fight with all my remaining will power the feelings of hatred slowly consuming a part of me? Should I act as if nothing is wrong and everything is fine, even if deep down inside, it isn't? Or should I let go but keep all the memories? But in any case, the future looks bleak. My strength has become my weakness as well.

I texted someone on how a person could forget something easily. He told me that forgetting about two important people and all the memories with them would take some time. He asked me why I want to forget them. I told him that the memories that made me stand up every time I fell and made me happy were now making me fall down and sad. It was like the feeling of someone really close to you leaving and not coming back without saying goodbye. He told me to still cherish everything as those memories still continue to be a source of strength through the most difficult of times.

I didn't understand what he meant. How could that happen if each and every time I reminisce those memories, sadness fills me? But I kept searching, I kept hoping, and I kept believing. I kept on intangibly embracing those memories and hopelessly believing on a tomorrow where everything and everyone will be happy again.

Maybe that was what he was trying to tell me all along.

---

As I pushed against the walls of the dark, shrinking, windowless room I was a prisoner of, I felt something uneven bruising one of my palms. I lifted my palm, and a faint ray of light broke the darkness. There was a tiny hole in the room I was confined in. I looked in that tiny hole, and suddenly, each and every memory that I cherished filled my mind and my whole body. I suddenly felt a gentle breeze envelop me in its comforting warmth. I closed my eyes tightly as I embraced what my heart has been believing in.

I opened my eyes after a moment, and I found myself under a sky full of stars shining and twinkiling, a night sky full of happiness and promise. I stretched my arms to reach them, but I remained in the ground, unable to reach them. Those stars remained distant, and all I could do was to look at their light, persevering against the darkness of the silent night sky.

Silently Hoping Under a Starless Sky

We went to Bulacan yesterday.

It has been long since my last trip there. Well, maybe not very long, but long enough for me to feel nostalgic and yearn for things I have enjoyed doing in the unpolluted dirt roads and in the fresh, comforting winds of Sta. Maria. Besides, each week that has passed turned out to be progressively slower than the week before. I just can't understand why, and I think I'm not doing anything to understand why. Maybe I am actually doing something, but maybe for a different purpose and reason.

This can't be happening all over again. It just can't happen again.

I asked Mamie if we would be staying in Lola's house this time. She said yes.

Thoughts immediately entered my secluded mind. I did not want to go there since I really did not like the people in Bayan. I did not want to mingle with all those relatives of mine. And for one thing, I lacked several hours of sleep, and there is no cool, silent place in Bayan to take a quick shuteye. I'd rather stay in Sta. Cruz and spend the whole day snoozing in the room of my cousin, waking up only to eat or to visit the can. But there was nothing I could do since it was the birthday of Ninong Ador, and all of us were obliged (or probably forced) to go there.

When we arrived, I immediately looked for Lola and kissed her. Of course, I took the right hand of each of my titos and titas and gently touched them with my forehead, stooping lowly in the process. Since everyone was obliged (or forced) to go, it took me about more than ten whole minutes just to respect and recognize my elders. Yes, the family of Mamie is quite big, compared to that of Dadee's.

I find myself always going to the old, wooden house of Tita Susan whenever I go to Lola's compound. I remember the times when my cousins and I were still little. They would play Street Fighter on Jerome's SNES under the shade of Tita Susan's kaimito tree. I remember I never joined because I just always lost. All of us would sleep there on the cold floor or on the hard, wooden flooring upstairs whenever we would have a vacation there. When we were a little older, Tito Ben gave us a PlayStation. Kuya Omel would play Resident Evil amidst the darkness of the room. We would always watch him play that game, and we would not be able to sleep unless the lights were on. Tita Susan's bathroom remained unchanged for over thirteen or so years. It is still the same shabbily covered 1x1 square meter enclosure connected to their dining area and kitchen. The holes in the yero are still present, and towels are still used to block body parts from curious, peeping eyes. I remember times when I faithfully updated my quiz chart while I sat by the window in Tita Susan's simple sala, being feasted on by mosquitoes. A lot of nostalgic things came rushing to my memory as I looked on each and every one of us, all grown up and living our lives differently from before. A lot of memories came flooding into my mind as I looked around Tita Susan's old, wooden home which is a testament to many tropical storms and numerous shouts, yells, and misunderstandings. Things that I have become sensitive of momentarily dissipated from my being as I felt the warmth of the atmosphere which has embraced many moments of happiness, love, and contentment.

Is my simple life before better than my trapped existence now?

Later that day, all of us indulged in a gallon of Double Dutch ice cream sponsored by Dada. Diane's excuse was she passed her battery exam, and that proved to be successful in getting P300.00 from Dada. I ate ice cream like never before. I don't exactly know how or why I felt that way, but maybe because I just simply missed everyone in Bulacan. I missed my cousins, my titos and titas, and the places full of both happy and sad memories I grew up in.

Or maybe because I felt free in some way or another.

Before we left, Mamie took this picture (of Kuya Omel, Jom, Kuya, Diane, me, and Ate) that she will send to Tito Ben who now lives in New Jersey.


I was happy.

On the way home, I started to feel more and more nostalgic about things, especially about things which have happed relatively recently as compared to my childhood memories in Bulacan. I started to feel alone once more, especially when we passed by the field where children usually flew their kites made out of twigs and grocery bags. I gazed at the sky in search of stars shining faintly in the darkness of the night. I silently hoped to see even just one star struggling to keep on shining, even if darkness embraces it. I did not see any, but I kept searching, until I finally saw something shining across the sky. I squinted my eyes for me to better see them, but they disappeared. I opened my eyes wide, and there they were again, floating in the infinite darkness and uncertainty of the twilight. It was then I realized that those weren't the stars I was looking for, but were reflections of my tears welling up in my eyes.

Maundy Thursday

Dahil late na kaming nakauwi, ngayong Good Friday ko na mapopost ito.

Napatingin pa talaga ako sa dictionary kung ano nga ba ang ibig sabihin ng "maundy." Ayon doon,

-noun
1. the ceremony of washing the feet of the poor, esp. commemorating Jesus' washing of His disciples' feet on Maundy Thursday
2. Also called maundy money. money distributed as alms in conjunction with the ceremony of maundy or on Maundy Thursday

At kung hindi mo alam, Maundy Thursday ngayon.

Naging practice na namin ang bisita inglesia every Holy Thursday. Ito yung bibisita ka ng isang simbahan o chapel sa bawat station ng Stations of the Cross. Every year na lang, pakaunti ng pakaunti at palapit ng palapit ang mga pinupuntahan naming mga simbahan o kaya mga kapilya. Naaalala ko pa dati na marami kaming dalang baon na pagain at softdrinks kasi dinadayo pa namin ang Manila Cathedral at Sto. Domingo. Pero this time around, yung chapel lang ng subdivision namin ang pinuntahan namin. At wala lang, napansin din namin na kakaunti na lang ang mga taong naglalakad papuntang Grotto sa may Tungko. Dati kasi, napupuno ang mga tabi ng dating Don Mariano Marcos Avenue ng mga debotong naglalakad. Meron pa rin naman ngayon, yun nga lang, mabibilang mo na sila dahil kakaunti na lang sila.

Sa ikaapat na station, humiwalay ako sa aking pamilya at lumuhod sa pinakaunahang chapel pew. Doon, tiningnan ko si Hesus na nakapako sa kanyang krus. Pero hindi naman siya nakatingin sa akin. At sa kung ano mang dahilan, naramdaman ko na lang na tumulo ang aking mga luha. Hindi ko alam talaga kung bakit. Buti na lang, walang nakakita kaya naagapan ko ang isa pang pagpatak. Hindi ko talaga alam.

Paulit-ulit kong tinanong sa kanya kung ano ba ang ginagawa kong mali. Paulit-ulit kong inisip kung ano ba ang ginagawa kong mali kaya hanggang ngayon, hindi pa rin ako masaya. Ang dami ko na namang inisip. Nakakainis.

Medyo matagal din yata akong nakaluhod at nakatingin sa kanya. Kasi pagbalik ko kina ate, mamie, dadee, at kuya, Hail Holy Queen na ang dinadasal nila. Sa katunayan nga, hindi ko maramdaman ang tuhod ko nung tumayo ako. Hindi ko maramdaman ang tuhod ko miski na hinahaplos ko na ito ng matagal.

Pero hindi ko pa rin alam kung bakit ako naiyak.

Hindi ko pa rin alam kung bakit hindi pa rin ako masaya. Masaya naman ako, pero hindi na ako masaya.

Please Carry my Dreams Towards the Sky: Second Flight

It has been three days since. I am trying my best to be fine and happy, even if I am not. I am doing this for them so they won't worry or whatever.

I just don't know what is actually happening. I just want to talk to someone. Someone else.

And it has been three days since I had the want to fly my kite which I bought months ago. That kite remained in a corner of my stuffy, dirty room, waiting its string to be tugged as it soars through the bright sky. Finally, after over two months of patiently waiting, it finally got the chance to fly under the heat of the sun and across the uncomfortable warmth of the wind. Its colorful stripes released the plainness in the bright sky, and its three tails flapped violently against the very winds that made it soar. The kite danced in the air alone, and I ran in the field to keep the kite aloft alone.

I'm happy that I flew that kite, but I'm sad that I flew it alone. I'm happy that finally, I can see some vague shimmer of a brighter tomorrow in the end of this dark vision, but I am sad that I need to reach that end alone. Yes, I know I still have friends who embrace me as a person, but the people who made me feel that I'm actually a person isn't with me anymore. But I know, I have to endure. I have to wait and remain strong.

I have to believe that one day, things will be better. I know that things will never be the same again, but I am still hoping for that chance I was given.

The kite has taken flight.

It has shown its simple beauty across the vast, infinite skies.

The winds have tested the strength of its thin, thin line.

But my happiness still remains on the ground, patiently waiting for someone to tap my shoulder once again.

I will wait. I will wait until that day comes.

But I cannot wait forever. Please. I'm holding on for as long as I can.

Please carry my dreams towards the sky.

I Will Wait

Diniscuss ko ito kanina with someone. Someone na lang para hindi na maging magulo.

Sinabi kong iintindihin ko ang mga desisyon ng mga tao tungkol sa mga bagay-bagay. Mahirap ito, pero ngayon, namulat na ang aking mga mata na kailangan ko na namang magtiis kung gusto kong maging maayos na ulit ang lahat.

Sinabi ko sa kaniya na I feel so trapped dahil ayaw ko silang mawala at gusto ko na ring sumaya. Natatakot kasi ako na kung I will take my time and they will have their space, baka wala na akong babalikang friendship in the future. Parang I was given another chance to start over, but I'm so afraid that that time may never come because we already became too distant with each other.

I feel so trapped talaga.

Tinanong niya sa akin kung ano ba raw ang kailangan ko para I would feel better.

"Sila."

Pero hindi eh. They have to have their space. I need to respect that decision of his. Of theirs.

Lagi ko na lang kasing naiisip kung papaano parang nabale-wala ang lahat ng pinagsamahan namin sa loob ng higit sa isang taon at kalahati. Ang dami naming pinagdaanang pagsubok. At kung tutuusin, nakaya at kinaya ko ang lahat ng iyon dahil kasama ko sila.

Eh papaano ngayon?

I'm just really sad, but I'm trying my best not to be sad. Hindi ko na talaga alam if what I did was the right thing to do. It is painful to see them at a distance with all the good memories of our friendship which I always embrace and place beside my heart. Hindi na tulad ng dati na I'm with them as I continue to add memories that I will cherish and place inside my heart.

Garde, salamat sa iyong stat sa YM:

Silently we wander into this void of consequence

Hindi "we". I.

I will just need to have faith again and wait for the better tomorrow I was given the chance to wake up to. Besides, they are my friends.

They are my best friends. Hindi "were", but "are".

I will wait. I will wait.

Contentment

Kalokohan iyang transport strike na iyan. Hindi ko magets ang point kung bakit nila pineperwisyo ang mga nagkocommute. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit sila biglang mawawala sa daan, eh hindi naman siguro nagkocommute ang namamahala ng presyo ng krudo. Hindi ba? Salamat ha, wala kayo kanina. Hindi trapik. Walang sagabal at mga barumbadong driver ng jeep na ibaba ka sa susunod na kanto sa susunod na kilometro. Salamat ha, nakapag-exercise pa ako dahil nilakad ko mula Bahay ng Alumni hanggang UPIS dahil wala kayong mga driver na kayo. Salamat talaga, please accept my sincerest and most heart-felt gratitude.

Madali akong napapagod ngayon mga nakalipas na araw. Sabi ko nga sa ate ko, I feel lethargic once again. Siguro mataas ang sugar ng dugo ko o 'di naman kaya'y masyadong nagpoproduce ng bile ang aking liver. Ewan ko, ang labo naman kasi eh. Gusto kong lagi na lang akong tulog. Hindi lang dahil lagi akong pagod, pero dahil hindi ka nag-iisip habang tulog ka.

At least naman, medyo nakakausad na ang aming play sa Hi16. Sa susunod na Martes na kasi iyon eh. At least naman no. At dahil nagpractice kami kanina mula alas-3 ng hapon hanggang mga halos alas-7 ng gabi, napagod ako. Hindi naman ako mabilis mapagod, pero napagod talaga ako kanina. Hindi ko na alam, hindi ko na alam. Hindi naman ako puyat. Well, I think hindi naman ako puyat.

At kanina lang, tinext ako ni Jay Ann na pumanaw na raw ang kanyang nanay. Tinext ko siya kung ayos lang ba siya, at oo naman daw, ayos lang siya. Sorry talaga Jay Ann, hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat kong sabihin para kahit papaano, mabawasan ang lungkot na bumabalot sa iyong puso ngayon.

I'm such a failure.

Dahil nga grateful ako sa mga driver ng jeep, sumabay na lang ako kay Ding pauwi. Right after natapos kasi ang aming history practice, tinamaan na ako ng "pagod." Sinabi ko kay Ding how tired I was nung pauwi na kami.

"Grabe, napagod talaga ako. Ang bilis kong mapagod these days."
"Baka naman puyat ka."
"Hindi ah, pagdating ko nga sa bahay, natutulog na ako agad. Para na nga akong batugan eh."
"Baka naman marami ka lang iniisip.."

Pero may theory ako dito. Sinabi ko kay Ding na ang dami kong ayaw isipin kaya napapagod ako agad. Nagets naman yata ni Ding kung ano yung ibig kong sabihin. Pero yun nga, ang dami ko nga talagang iniisip.

Hay. And I thought everything will be alright.

But nag-usap ang dalawa kong best friends (or naging best friend, or whatever) tungkol sa Block N, kung papaano ito nagigng isang jigsaw puzzle. Sabi nila, dati raw, every piece of the puzzle fit perfectly. Pero ngayon daw, the pieces doesn't seem to fit perfectly anymore.

i'm trying my best
i just want everyone to be happy again
cguru iba na ang happiness kesa sa dati rudolf

I'm just too sensitive na talaga. Or maybe stupid to not see they are happy?

I want to give up. Pero hindi ko magawa. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, but giving up is something I am really incapable of.

I want to feel content. I'd rather be very sad but content rather than bluffing up an empty happiness.

Regret

I didn't want to say this again, but I think I'm in a new state of sadness due to a strong feeling of regret. I'm happy in some particular level, but again, things do happen making me feel unneeded and eventually disliked. I hate how sensitive I have become.

For the past few days, I have been fighting this new enemy named regret. I know I have nothing to regret about, but here I am, tears welling in sadness, missing the people I was with in the past, the past which seems very, very different from today.

I just don't know. Maybe I'll be better tomorrow. Maybe I'll be better later. Maybe I won't get better anytime soon.

And just to tell you, I lost 8 hard-earned pounds because I was sick for a full 5 days. I have cough which isn't getting any better, and just recently, I am feeling some chest and back pains, not to mention the headaches that crack my head from time to time.

Am I just a selfish person who wants to be happy again? Or am I someone who just never gets things right? Maybe both.

As a friend, I just want to be with someone again. I feel trapped.

It is difficult to be happy when deep inside, you know you aren't. It is not an easy task to stay strong when your source of strength has ran away from you. It is tiring to stay happy when regret fills your beaten emotions.

But I'll wait. I was given a chance to start over. I'll wait, no matter how hard things could possibly get.

I'll wait. But I guess I'm not strong enough to stay happy. I'm not strong enough to hide and carry the burden of what I said.

But I'll wait and continue fighting. I just really want to be happy or at least content again.

-.-.-----.--..-....-.-..--..----....: .---..-..-. .--.-.. .---..-..-.

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.--...-.--- .....--...-.-.-

Happy 53rd birthday Mamie.

A Week of Solitude

After a week, nothing has happened.

I want to fix everything that I may have caused harm, but an external force is prohibiting me from doing so.

I don't know.

I tried. But I'm tired. As soon as I stood up, as soon as I took my first step towards happiness, something just hits me somewhere inside my chest that I fall again. After telling myself to just stay down, I give myself another chance and start rising up again...

...only to fall once more...

...and rise in the end...

... to fall again...

...and stand-up...

...only to fall in the end...

...and give myself another chance...

...over...

...and over...

...again.

I wonder.

Maybe I'm just too complicated. A screen emits whenever a potential source of sadness comes near.

I miss them.

But they don't miss me.

Why bother? Tell me, why bother? Why bother bringing the happy days of the past back to the present when things cannot be the same way as they were?

Things change. Things have changed. I have changed.

I know I have time. But the thing is, do they? Will they wait for me?

I'm guessing they won't. I regret to tell myself that they have left me, in some way or another. They have left me, but I understand. It just saddens me to realize I have waited for them if they needed time, while I am here, talking to myself amidst my dark, closed world.

I don't know. I don't want to know.

Hopelessly Believing, Intangibly Embracing

Ding treated us to Yellow Cab earlier this afternoon. I tried to put up a smile, but I found it difficult to do so. I was not feeling very well, but I think I was successful in hiding the pain that was tormenting my head. While I rested my head on the table, I kept on thinking what was wrong with me. I want to talk to someone because I already miss that person badly, but I simply cannot do so. I just cannot figure out why. After I said my gratitude to Ding's kindness and generosity, we started to leave. I looked at their backs for a moment with a vision blurred by tears before waving goodbye to the people already leaving.

"I give up."

I will be probably fooling myself again. I always say to myself that I already give up, but deep, deep inside, I keep on holding on to what may seem intangible to other people. I keep on holding on because that intangible object I continue embracing inside of me is enough for me to face the problems that life brings me. I continue to hold back the tears that are welling up inside my eyes which are already tired of seeing myself blankly staring in the mirror. I keep on finding an ounce of strength that makes me get up from my beaten and painful knees after I take a fall. After a struggle in life, I always triumph in some sort of way only at the end of it all. But that very end is the start of a downfall which always happens, but always takes me falling downward at monochromatic speeds rather unprepared. I keep on stumbling down to my knees in agony and pain that is caused by myself, but I always find myself rising up, whether I like it or not.

And because of this, I am starting to hate myself once again.

I keep on giving up but I keep on struggling on to stand up once more, but then only for me to give up again. I'd rather stay down on my knees and weep for eternity if need be than to get hurt over and over and over again because of my own realizations and foolish dreams. I'd rather keep on isolating myself because it is in solitude that I found once more the separate peace that a best friend of mine and myself once had. I'd rather keep on yearning how great the past was rather than optimistically facing the present to build the future but fail to realize it in the end. Like I said before, I'd rather stay sad knowing that someday, I will be happy again rather than being happy but afraid that one day, I will fall into another seemingly inescapable pit of sorrow and despair. How ironic. Everything is an irony, anyway.

I just don't want to keep getting hurt anymore. I'm too beaten up emotionally already that even my physical body is getting its toll. Is that too selfish to ask, or even beg? Is that too great to dream and desire? Is everything always so near, yet so far? Is everything always hard to get and seemingly unreachable?

I just want to give up. But I can't.

Maybe life enjoys picking on and bullying helpless persons who keep in believing on what is hopeless and embracing what is intangible, no matter what.

The One Left Behind Said...

haha...you should do tell what this is about to me someday, I know hmmm, you said that for a while d mo na muna sasabihin sakin ung mga pinoproblema mo (or something like that..O.o..)....hmmm, what happens is...hmm..I feel disjoint in a sense left out.. a bit lonely I guess...^^;;...actually, yes maybe I do feel a bit lonely, everyone seems to be floating away, haha, maybe its just partly my fault as well(parang ginagawa ko na ring blog ko ung blog mo, gomen), even though we met new people in college, we may have somewhat a connection with them, but to tell you, maybe even everyone the truth...I, myself, feel that I'm always in the background, just watching as things unfold themselves, not even knowing the details; we are slowly forming islands, with me maybe a bit far of than the rest..haha..I don't really know, maybe this thing that I'm speaking is just some another random wild negative imagination of mine...not that I want to be in the spotlight, I just want to feel I belong, I mean I am existent and not just someone you know, say hello and stuff, talk about school, and that's it, well that's at least what I feel while in school, but maybe I'm just highlighting the negative ones haha....hay..I dunno, in any case, back to original topic, I accepted the agreement that day...so I guess all I have to do is wait until you're ready?..O.o..haha...sory..don't mind my random ramblings...(well is it?!?!?!), I do really guess by now you know who I am...and come to think of it, is this even a comment on what you have put in this specific entry of your blog???...sorry...

Napakahangal ko talaga.

Don't be sorry, The One Left Behind.

The One Left Behind, patawad. Sana naman ay hindi matinag ang ating pagkakaibigan na higit sa labing-isang taon nating pinagsamahan. Sorry talaga. Wala na akong masabi sa iyo kung hindi sorry. Lagi na lang na ikaw ang umiintindi sa akin. Sorry talaga. I can't put to words how sorry I am. Hindi ko lang naman sayo ito sinabi dahil nga ayaw kong mag-alala ka at madamay sa problemang ako naman ang may kasalanan, ngunit nag-alala ka rin naman pala. Ang masama, naiwan kitang mag-isa. Pasensiya ka na talaga ha. You don't deserve to be left out because you were always there beside me, even in the darkest hours of my life. Naaalala ko pa yung mga crammed projects natin nung high school na A ang grade. Naaalala ko pa na tinext at tinawagan kita nung pumanaw na si Nanay. Naaalala ko pa yung iniyakan ko yung isa nating best friend nung high school kasi parang napalayo siya sa atin. Sa totoo nga, nakasave pa rin sa aking inbox ang text message mo sa akin nung mga panahong iyon:

your welcome. eventually you'd probably accept it and move on. just remember. when you nid someone to hear you out. im one of those people who'll listen.
8:26pm 11/10/05

Pasensiya ka na talaga ha. Ayaw ko lang kasi talagang magkaroon ka pa ng problema. Alam mo naman ako, ayaw kong nagkakaproblema ang mga kaibigan ko dahil sa akin.

Sa totoo lang, naiyak ako nung nabasa ko ang reply mo na ito sa isa kong post. Sorry talaga. Masyado akong naging sarado sa aking malungkot na mundo. Hindi ko alam na nagiging malungkot ka na rin pala.

Sorry talaga.

And salamat for always being there for me and always understanding me. Salamat dahil you made the choice to remain strong. Sana I could do the same to you, para naman at least, hindi mo na sabihing you are left behind. It'll break my already broken heart kung magkaganito ka pa ulit.

Stay happy. Knowing this will help me a lot. Salamat talaga.