Realizations Day 1

Sometimes, you do things even if you don't know why you're doing it. Sometimes you stop and wonder on how you manage to keep on going even if it takes a whole lot from you: time, energy, money, almost everything.

Sometimes you wish you could just exert the same effort unto other things, but no matter how hard you try, you just can't.

Oh well. I guess it isn't meant to be.

Hello World

System.out.println("Hello World!");

Ito ang karaniwang pinakaunang program na matutunan ng isang Java Programmer. Una ko itong natutunan noong ako'y nasa unang taon pa lamang sa Pamantasan ng Ateneo de Manila, at ngayon, habang sinusulat ko ang mga katagang ito, naghihintay ang aming tesis na may pamagat na Audio Based Game for the Visually Impaired on the Xbox 360 Console para sa makabuluhang kilos dahil mula't nagsabog ng basang lagim ang kaibigang si Ondoy, natigil na ang lahat ng kahit na anong pag-iisip tungkol sa mga bulag, isang telebisyon, at isang Xbox 360 at kung ano pang aparatong kailangan matutunang gamitin ng isang bulag.

Mahigit sa isang buwan na lang, pasko na, at sa loob ng dalawa't kalahating buwan, taong dos mil dyis na. Naalala ko pa noong nasa ikaapat na baitang ako na binibilang ko kung ilang taon pa ako kailangang mag-aral. Isa, dalawa, tatlo, apat... labing-isa. Dati, nagmumukmok ako tuwing maiisip ko na napakatagal pa ang kailangan kong gugulin sa pag-aaral, ngunit ngayong sa loob ng apat na buwan ay magtatapos na ako, hindi ko na alam.

Hello World.

Dream > Income?

Kinse bago mag alas-nuwebe ang pinag-usapang oras na magkikita-kita sa Cathouse. Dahil kinse pasado ng alas-otso na, dali-dali siyang isinuot ang kanyang pinaka disenteng polo shirt. Nagkandarapa siya sa pamimili kung ang itim ba o ang kulay-kaki niyang katad na sapatos ang kanyang isusuot. Unang beses niya kasing pupunta sa Ortigas upang kumuha ng isang eksamen para sa kanyang on the job training sa Abril. Sa gulo ng kanyang isip at dahil wala ang kanyang nanay dahil pinaihi niya ang kanilang aso, nauwi na lang siya sa isang sapatos na hindi niya masyadong sinusuot dahil lagi niyang nayayapakan ang kanyang pantalon tuwing iyon ang sapatos niyang suot. Paspasan niyang kinuha ang kanyang kakaunting ipon sa kanyang alkansyang dati'y lalagyan ng brief, at humaharurot na bumulusok palabas ng bahay. Pinalad naman siya dahil sa kanyang paglabas, nakasakay agad siya ng traysikel na ihahatid siya sa lugar kung saan sila magkikita ng kanyang sasabayang kaibigan. Habang unakabilad sa araw at unti-unting bumabakat ang pawis sa kanyang polong madaling mabasa ng pawis, inisip niya kung aabot ba sila sa eksamen nilang nakatakda sa ikasampu ng umaga. Kinakabahan, pinagpapawisan, at tinitingnan kung bumabakat na ba ang kanyang pawis sa kanyang polo, dumating na ang sasakyan ng kanyang kaklase. Binati niya ang nanay ng kanyang kaibigan, at sinuklian siya ng mga katagang

Rudolf, nag-mature ang itsura mo.

Dahil masyado siyang abala sa pag-iintindi sa polo niyang binabakatan na ng kanyang pawis, hindi na niya ito nabigyan ng kaukulang pansin. Mabilis nilang binaybay ang kahabaan ng Commonwealth. Mukhang magiging ayos na ang lahat. Hindi sila mahuhuli dahil sa tulin ng kanilang pagpasada sa Commonwealth. Ngunit dahil sa mga hindi inaasahang pangyayari na lagi namang nangyayari, nahuli sila ng dating sa lugar na pinagkasunduan. Dumating sila doon ng kinse pasado alas-nuwebe, at nagsimula na naman siyang kabahan dahil hindi rin nila masyadong kabisado ang Ortigas, isang mundong ibang-iba sa mundong ginalawan at ginagalawan nila. Ngunit makalipas ang ilang sandali, nagkita-kita na rin sila sa wakas. Ang pagsasama sama na ito ay ang simula ng isang masaya at magulong biyahe mula Katipunan Avenue tungong Exchange Road.

Naging isang bitukang pasikut-sikot ang mga kalye ng Ortigas para sa kanilang mga mata. Ngunit kahit papaano, nakita't natunton nila ang Philippine Stock Exchange Center noong sumapit ang pito makalipas ang ika-sampu ng umaga.

Namangha sila sa laki ng gusaling iyon.

Matapos nilang magulantang at panandaliang mawala sa dami ng elevator ng West Tower, dali-dali silang nagpunta sa ika-dalawangpu't walong palapag hindi para tumalon palabas ng bintana, kung hindi para kunin na ang kanilang eksamen.

Kasama si Flora, umakyat sila ng isa pang palapag at pinaupo isang kwarto na tila pang-eksamen talaga. Kinuwento niya kay Flora na medyo nahirapan silang matunton ang lugar dahil unang beses pa lang nila magawi sa parte ng Ortigas na iyon. Tinanong kasi ni Flora kaya niya sinabi.

Matapos ang pagpapakilala, ipinaliwanag ni Flora gamit ang kanyang napakahinang boses ang ginagawa nila sa Azeus. IT solutions ang pakakarinig niya, at sa totoo lang, tila hindi siya interesado dahil manghang-mangha pa siya kung gaano ka-office ang feel ng loob ng kwarto kung saan sila ikukulong.

...and there will be an allowance of P450.00 a day.

Napaiktad ang karamihan sa kanila, ngunit miski naikubli ang kanilang nararamdaman, nawindang silang lahat. Hindi nila makontrol ang paglaki ng butas ng kanilang ilong tuwing hihinga sila. Nanlaki ang kanilang mga mata sa mga katagang iyon.

Ngunit napaisip siya noong sinabi ang mga katagang "four hundred fifty a day". Ngunit biglang nawala ito sa kanyang isipan dahil may sinasabi pala si Flora. Mas narinig pa niya ang kaluskos ng mga paa ng ipis kaysa sa boses ni Flora.

The test consists of ten items. The passing is seven, and the test will be for an hour. I will be monitoring you from downstairs and will get your papers after an hour.

Good luck!

Naging madali ang unang dalawang tanong, ngunit hanggang doon na lang iyon. Ngunit kahit na alam niyang malabong siya'y makapasok sa Azeus bilang isang intern, ginalingan pa rin niya dahil maaari siyang kumita ng malaki kung papalarin siyang makapagtrabaho doon.

...

Okay, please finalize your answers.

...

Pass your papers forward along with the copy of your transcript.

Pinasa niya ang kanyang papel na puno ng duda sa kanyang sarili. Bahala na, sabi niya sa sarili niya. Tutal, nasa kabilang gusali lang naman ang Chikka, at doon naman talaga niya gustong pumasok.

Habang naglalakad papuntang Megamall dahil pare-pareho nang kumakalam ang kanilang mga sikmura, napatigil siya ng sandali. Sinubukan niyang alalahanin ang tunog ng boses ni Flora noong inusal niya ang mga salitang mangangahulugan nang mahigit sa P17,000.00 para sa tatlong daang oras na kailangan nilang bunuin. May kakaibang pakiramdam ang namayani sa kanyang loob. Hindi pa niya ito nararamdaman kahit kailan. Tumingin siya sa langit na nagbabadya ng ulan, at tinanong ang sarili kung ano ang nangyari sa kanya.

Ano nang nangyari sa kanyang mga pangarap? O kung anong mga bagay lang iyon na ibinabalot niya bilang ang kanyang mga pangarap?

Eh, ano ba naman, may isang taon pa tayo ano!

Pumasok sila sa loob ng Megamall at sinalubong ng malamig na simoy ng aircon. Ibang-iba sa init na namamayagpag sa konkretong mukha ng Ortigas, ngunit hindi nalalayo sa lugar kung saan niya gustong mamalagi tuwing gulung-gulo ang kanyang utak at uhaw na uhaw ang kanyang pinakaloob para sa isang katahimikang sa isang lugar lang niya natagpuan.

In Three Days

In three days, a new year will begin.

Right now, I have a mind-splitting headache. I rarely have these things (literally) bothering my mind.

I went to buy some ingredients for my (failed) brownies. I stared at the clouds as the sun scorched my eyes. Up in the heavens I saw a great cat, and after a few moments, it became an enormous white dog, as pure as the fresh blanket of snow that covered the sleeping part of my brain.

A shudder coursed through my body. I chilled to an invisible jet of ice-cold air. My lungs started to cringe as it was slowly being killed by the air that stung my skin. It was as if my ribs would implode as my severely weakened muscles couldn't bear the pressure my body was succumbing to.

It was then I realized that I do not need someone or something to feel the security I'm desperately longing for.





I need to find myself first.







Now what?

Kung Wala Kayo...?

Paano kaya kung:

Walang mga basurero na nangongolekta ng mga basura nating nandidiri tayong hawakan? Ano kayang mangyayari sa atin? Kasi paminsan, pati sa kanila, nandidiri na tayo. Samantalang napakaimportante ng trabaho nila para sa ating sari-sariling buhay.

Walang mga cashier at bagger sa mga supermarket? Kaya kaya nating magcancel ng isang item na naswipe natin ng dalawang beses? Magagawa kaya nating mailagay sa plastic bag ang mga pinamili natin ng maayos at hindi tatapon? Kasi naman, kaunting pagkakamali lang nila, katakut-takot na pagtataray na ang inaabot nila. Taimtim naman nilang tinatanggap ang pagpuputakti ng mga masasakit na salita.

Walang mga janitor sa school? Masisikmura kaya nating linisin ang kubentang nanlilimahid sa ihi at kung ano pa man? Magagawa kaya nating pumasok sa isang banyong nakakahilo na ang baho? Kasi naman, kadalasan, iniirapan lang natin sila.

Walang driver ng mga jeep at bus, at mga kunduktor? Paano kaya tayo papasok sa pamantasan o kaya sa trabaho? Kakayanin kaya nating maglakad? Hindi naman kasi lahat sila, mga barumbado't bastos, pero kadalasan, lahat sila'y natatrato bilang mga bastardong wala nang alam gawin kung hindi magtaas ng singil ng pamasahe at magreklamo tuwing bababa ang minimum o may magbabayad ng student.

Wala na ang mga kasambahay natin sa bahay? Kaya kaya nating maglaba, maglinis, mamalantsa, magluto, at gumising nang maaga? Wala, kadalasan sila'y nababale-wala lang dahil sila'y "katulong" lang naman. Sino ba sila sa buhay natin?

Nakasalamuha ko na sila. Nakinig sa kuwento nila sa buhay. Pinakinggan ko kung gaano na sila nahihirapan sa buhay, pero kahit gipit, nagagawa pa rin nilang tumawa at maging masaya.

At yun ang mahalaga.


Kina Ate Lulay at Ate Rosie, ang aming labandera at plantsadora. Ang galing at ang bilis nilang maglaba at mamalantsa.

Sa mga Kuya ng Halrey, ang nangongolekta ng basura sa aming subdivision. Hindi niyo lang alam, hindi lang basta-basta ang inyong trabaho.

Kay Kuya Ronnie, ang aming jeep driver noong may Tulong Dunong pa kami sa High School. Ang bait ni Kuya Ronnie tuwing maaabutan ko siya sa biyahe.

Kina Ate Aileen, Ate Brenda, Ate Emer, Kuya Tonton, at Kuya Tyrone, ang mga dakilang cashier, bagger, at merchandiser sa Robinsons Supermarket Marikina kung saan ako'y nagtrabaho nang tatlong Sabado. Ang babait nila at hindi nila ako pinabayaang mabagot habang kasama ko sila. Salamat sa mga pabaon niyong kuwento, at sana'y masayang-masaya kayo ngayong pasko dahil iyon lang ang nararapat para sa inyo.

Kina Ate Mhel, Ate Sarah, Ate Myles, Kuya Macky, Kuya Wil, Kuya Son, Kuya Loyd, Kuya Rey, Kuya Abel, Kuya Joel, at Kuya Jhun, mga staff at mga supervisor sa Timezone sa Gateway. Salamat sa inyong lahat kasi pinananatili niyong Timezone ang Timezone sa Gateway, ang aking takbuhan para makatakas ng sandali sa buhay. Kayang kaya nila ang magkasunod na shift at maging masiyahin pa rin kapag nakakausap ko sila.


Maligayang pasko sa inyong lahat.

Christmas "Break"

Hay nako. Pati ba naman ang real-life rants ko tungkol sa Christmas "Break", aabot pa dito sa aking blog? Wala lang kasi. Feeling ko yung last three schooldays of the year, nagrereklamo na ako tungkol sa break-ness ng "break" na ito. I mean, nakakainis kasi eh. Sana talaga hindi na lang nila tinawag na Christmas "Break" yung Christmas Break kasi wala namang break about this break eh. Laging may pinapagawa yung mga prof na something big, something long, and something hard over the "break". Napakalousy ng feeling ng break na ganito ano, besides the fact na wala akong baon dahil walang pasok meaning hindi ako makakagala somewhere like Timezone. Natutunan ko na kasi yung proper staple juggle ni Zafina kasi tinuro sa akin ni RB kung paano ba yung tama. Mali kasi yung ginagawa ko. At gusto ko rin kasi iimprove yung akin blocking skills, kasi hanggang ngayon, bobo pa rin akong magblock sa ibaba. Natatalo ako kay Bryan kasi yung simula ng combo niya ay yung sweeping kick thing sa ibaba.

Naiinis lang talaga ako sa fact na break na break na namin, tapos inaasahan kaming gawin na yung first stage ng aming programming project. Kailangan naming gumawa ng Sales and Inventory Management System para sa isang imaginary supermarket. Hay nako. At least naman Java na yung gagamitin namin, at hindi na some other language besides English, Filipino, Nihongo, or Sign. Nakakainis, pero at least nabawasan kahit papaano.

Yung only consolation na lang namin siguro ay maraming prof na MWF ang classes ay tinamad nang magclass nung Friday.

Oh well. I guess I should be happy with what I have and what I'm getting, and not drown myself in tears or burn in anger for the things I'm missing.

10th Mix to V3

After almost four years, the Drum machine in Timezone Gateway was finally upgraded into the more recent version. I have been playing on the 10th Mix since I started playing Drummania, and when I tried out the newly upgraded machine this afternoon, I was all but in a state of mild shock and disbelief.

It started yesterday, when the Kuya (whose name I still do not know) whom I lent my sticks to when he played on the drums told me that the 10th mix machine was to be replaced by something newer. He described how hit looked like, and his description mislead me into thinking that the machine was to be replaced by something like the drums of Guitar Hero or Rock Band. As I played the final song, questions started to fill my head. I kept asking myself if it was alright for the machine which I grew so used to to leave. I was eaten by my worries that in the near future, Timezone will not hold the songs which I grew to like and sing almost each and every passing day. As I constantly pedalled the bass, I tried to remember the very first song I played in that same machine. After the final staircase roll and hitting the final strikes on the ride cymbal, I asked myself if I am ready for a change. With questions boggling my head, I bid Kuya goodbye as I thanked him for the game he replaced for me. You see, the old machine hanged in the third stage, so I got to play six songs instead of just the usual four.

This afternoon, after going to the Timezone on the Fastfood level, I went up the escalator to the Timezone on that floor. Everything seemed normal. Everything felt the usual. As I approached the machine I used to love and play my emotions out, I immediately noticed something very, very different. The pink signboard installed on top of the machine now glistened with a strong shade of steel blue. The carnival-like face of the text was replaced by a strong font resembling the future. The machine looked particularly the same: the hihat, snare, low and high toms, the ride cymbal, and the bass pedal were still there. The monitor was still the big 29" screen. The smelly sticks and the high seat still remained. But the essence of the machine changed into something more update, more powerful, and more radical.

Drummania 10th Mix became Drummania V3.

I was really, really surprised. The sudden change caught me off-guard. Kuya then approached and told me that they spent the whole night upgrading the machine. Even if he had already told me that the machine was to be upgraded, I was not expecting it as soon as the following day.

The four-song swipe is now only three songs.

The interface looks so different that what I was used to. The different shades of blue is so remote from the various tinges of pink I grew accustomed to. A lot of songs has been added, and to tell the truth, I only know two of the over thirty new songs.


I played twice. I hesitated at first, but after the first song, I played entirely in manual mode. I was surprised that I didn't fail. Well I almost did. Just almost, but somehow, I pulled it through.

I started to believe in myself.




I am reluctant to change, but with this shallow incident along with the many things that are happening to me, I am slowly seeing why change is the only permanent thing in the world.

Kaligayahan

Oo. Lahat naman tayo gusto itong makamit. Lahat tayo, gusto maging masaya. Pero iba-iba ang gusto nating mangyari sa ating mga buhay para masabi nating tayo ay "masaya".

Maraming iba't ibang klaseng kaligahayan sa mundo. Malalim, mababaw, seryoso, palabiro, sa iyo, sa akin, at pwede ring sa ating lahat.

At kung kaya lang natin sanang makita ang mga dapat nating makita at maramdaman ang mga dapat nating maramdaman, lahat tayo ay magiging masaya. Nananatili ang problema dahil masyadong ambisyoso ang tao. Masyadong makasarili. Masyado niyang binubulag ang kanyang sarili sa mga pansariling pangako na sa katotohanan, mga delusyong tiyak na papatirin siya upang madapa sa matigas at malamig na sahig ng pagkabigo. Lahat ng bagay na gusto niya, gusto na niyang makuha agad. Hindi niya kayang intindihin kung bakit lagi na lang siyang bigo sa kanyang walang katapusang paghabol sa kaligayahang kayang balutin ang kanyang buong pagkatao na parang isang malambot na kumot sa isang napakalamig na gabi ng Disyembre. Ang kanyang mismong pagnanasa sa kaligayahan ang siyang sumisira sa kanyang dating matatag at matibay na loob. Dahil sa kanyang desperasyong makita ang liwanag sa gitna ng sukdulang kadiliman, pilit niyang ibinubuka ang kanyang mga mata hanggang sa siya'y lumuha na ng dugo; ang tanging bagay na pinapanatili siyang buhay, humihinga, at umaasa.

Hindi ba niya alam na dapat hindi hinahabol ang mga mumunting paru-paro? Na hindi ito dadapo sa kanya hangga't hindi siya maupo sa payapang kapatagan, ipikit ang mga matang pagod na sa kakaiyak, at pakinggan ang pagtibok ng kanyang puso?

Hindi ba niya alam na sa gitna ng absolutong dilim, makikita niya ang isang sinag ng liwanag ng walang kahirap-hirap? Na hindi na niya kinakailangang lumuha ng dugo para lamang mabasag ang kalungkutang bumabalot sa kanyang kadiliman?

Pilit niyang inaabot ang tagpuan ng langit at lupa, kung saan lumulubog ang araw. Hindi ba niya alam na kailanman, hindi niya ito maabot?

Pilit niyang hinihintay ang bukas na dumating. Hindi ba niya alam na kailanman, hindi ito darating?

Ayaw niya kasing makita kung nasaan siya. Ayaw niyang intindihin na ang bukas, kailanman, hindi magiging ngayon.


Ang tao nga naman.

Hindi marunong maghintay.

Ngunit hindi natin sila masisisi, dahil nakakapagod ang maghintay. Alam kong alam mo na iyon.




Pagod na ako, ngunit kahit papaano, masaya ako.

Sana ikaw rin.

Ang Pagiging Bagger sa Lane One (Express Lane)

Noong natapos ang duty namin sa Robinsons noong nakaraang Sabado, sinabi ko sa sarili ko na sana, maging bagger ako sa susunod na Sabado. Bukod sa nakakapagod, nakakahilo at nakakainis din ang maghanap ng mga stray item sa mistulang walang katapusang mga hilera ng paninda. Nakakahilong hanapin ang tamang lugar ng isang mumunting chichirya sa daan-daang pang ibang chichirya na halos magkakapareho ang itsura ng wrapper. Nakakaantok na hindi tingnan nang tingnan ang mga makikintab na disenyo sa mga wrapper. Nakakainis makakita ng cotton buds sa mga de lata, at limang piraso ng Kit-Kat sa mga inuming nakabote. Nakakairita rin ang mga customer na mahuhuli mong inilalagay ang isang item kung saan-saan lang lalagyan. Kung pwede lang sana, binigyan ko na ng Spinning Heel Drop yung masungit na babae na basta-basta na lang iniwan ang napkin sa mga mantika; Megawatt Uppercut yung batang hinalughog ang buong shelf ng Oishi dahil naghahanap ng Cubee, eh Monde yun at wala ito sa mga chichirya dahil classified ito bilang isang wafer; at isang lumalagitik na Piercing Thorn Fortissimo yung machong lalaki na iniwan ang isang galong mineral water sa may asukal. Eh paano kung matapon yun dun? Masasayang ang pinaghirapan naming ayusin nina Kuya Tyrone.

Kaya pagpasok ko kanina sa selling area, dali-dali akong nagpunta sa mga Cashier. Nilapitan ko ang tahimik na babae na nasa likod ng point of sales system sa lane one. Hindi siya mukhang masungit, kaya kinausap ko siya nang walang pagdadalawang isip.

Ate, kailangan mo po ng bagger?

Express lane ito eh, wala masyadong iba-bag. Pero okay lang.

Mabait si Ate Brenda. Mahinahon niya akong tinuruan at tinulungang mag-bag ng mga binibili ng mga customer. Itinuro niya sa akin kung nasaan ang extra extra small, extra small, small, medium, at large grocery bags (na biodegradable daw, ayon sa nakasulat dito). Sinabihan niya rin ako na lagyan ko ng karton ang bag kapag maraming de lata o bote ang customer. Tinulungan niya akong ihiwalay ang mga sabon at toiletries sa mga food at non-food items. Siya na ang nagbabalot ng mga karne at iba pang mga item na nanggaling sa fresh section ng grocery. Sa mga panahong wala kaming ginagawa, kinakausap at nakakausap ko naman siya. Baguhan pa lang si Ate sa Robinsons bilang cashier. Wala pa raw siyang isang buwang nagtatrabaho doon. Kung anu-ano rin ang pinag-usapan namin: mula sa mga nagsasalita sa PA system hanggang sa mga policy nila doon sa Robinsons. Inalalayan ko ang mga tanong ko dahil tila nahihiya pa si Ate. Ako rin, kung tutuusin, medyo nahihiya pa.

Ate, ang bagal ng oras, ano?

Oo. Madalang kasi ang customer tuwing hapon. Mainit kasi, at tinatamad lumabas ng bahay. Usually yan, mga gabi dumadami ang customer.

Lalo na kung Linggo no, Ate?

Oo.

Ano yun, yung pila, sobrang haba? O hindi naman?

Hindi naman. Mga limang customer na naghihintay, yung tipong ganun ba. Ngayon kasi, madalang ang customer. Hapon kasi, at baka wala pa silang pera.

Nakakatuwang kausapin si Ate Brenda. Yung mga sandaling wala kaming ginagawa at tila napabagal umusad ng oras, napabilis niya dahil sa pakikipag-usap niya sa akin.

Makalipas ang isang oras, may isang parada ng mga babae na may suot na Santa Hat at may dala-dalang mga bakal na kahon ang dumaan sa aming harapan. Isa-isa silang lumabas ng selling area, at nagpuntahan sa mga cashier. Lunch break na raw nina Ate Brenda na opening shift. Papalit muna sa kanila ang mga kakapasok pa lang na closing shift. Iniligpit ni Ate Brenda ang pera sa drawer ng kanyang cash register, at inilagay sa kanyang bakal na kahon. Matapos noon, nagpaalam siya sa akin at umalis na.

Ang pumalit sa kanya ay si Ate Aileen. Mabait din siya, at mas maingay kaysa kay Ate Brenda. Sa pakikipag-usap sa kanya, nalaman kong 25 years old na si Ate, at tulad ni Ate Brenda, wala pang isang buwan sa kontrata nilang limang buwan doon sa Robinsons. Tinuro rin sa akin ni Ate Aileen ang mga boss, boss ng boss, at ang boss ng lahat doon. Sinabi rin niya sa akin na may pamangkin siyang nag-aaral din sa Ateneo. Basta, nakakatuwa ring kausapin si Ate Aileen.

Matapos ang mabagal na pag-usad ng oras dahil wala kaming ginagawa ni Ate Aileen, bumalik na mula sa kanilang lunch break si Ate Brenda.

Lunch break na namin! O di ba, kakapasok pa lang namin, lunch break na agad? Ikaw, hindi ka ba magbe-break?

Hindi na ate, 20 minutes lang kasi ang break namin, eh.

Ay, talaga? Ang ikli naman. Wala ka ngang magagawa sa 20 minutes. Ang sikip sikip kasi ng canteen namin eh.

At matapos ang isa pang oras, bumalik na sina Ate Aileen mula sa lunch break nila. Coffee break naman ng opening shift. At matapos noon, coffee break na nang closing shift. Sa aming pag-uusap nina Ate Brenda at Ate Aileen, hindi nila gusto ang ganoong pagsasalitan nilang mga kahera. Sina Ate Brenda kasi, buwal na sa gutom dahil matagal-tagal din bago ang lunch break nila. Habang sina Ate Aileen naman, wala nang break pagkatapos ng kanilang coffee break na iyon. Wala na silang oras para kumain ng hapunan.

Bumalik sina Ate Aileen mula sa kanilang break. Sabi sa akin ni Ate Brenda, magiging bagger muna sila habang nandoon pa sila. Alas-sais kasi ang alis nina Ate Brenda. Noong bumalik sina Ate Aileen, malapit na ring mag-alas-singko noon. Malapit na kaming mag-time out.

O! Malapit na kayong umalis! Makakakain ka na! pabirong winika ni Ate Aileen. Sa totoo lang, umiikot na ang tumbong ko sa gutom. Para bagang kinakain na ng tiyan ko ang sarili nito dahil sa gutom. Nanunuyo na rin ang labi at kumakapal na ang laway ko sa kakasabi ng Thank you po! o kaya Salamat po! sa mga customer namin. Hindi nagtagal, oras na para umalis kami.

Nagpaalam ako kina Ate Brenda at Ate Aileen na may malaking malaking ngiting nakapinta sa aking mukha. Pagud na pagod na ako sa kakatayo; hindi ko na maramdaman ang mga binti ko sa tinagal ng apat na oras nang pagtayong walang pahinga, ngunit nagawa ko pang kumaway ng masayang-masaya kina Ate Brenda at Ate Aileen.

Sa maikling panahong nakasama ko silang dalawa, ang dami kong natutunan. Ang dami kong nakitang kahit kailan ay hindi ko makikita kung hindi nila sa akin ipinakita. Ang dami kong dinanas na kahit kailan ay hindi ko daranasin kung hindi sila ang mga naging kasama ko. Ang dami kong natutunan na bago, na kahit kailan ay hindi ko matututunan kung hindi sila ang nagturo sa akin ng mga bagay na ito. Dahil sa kanila, lalo kong napapansin ang mga maliliit na bagay na nagpapatakbo at nangyayari sa paligid ko. Dahil sa kanila, naging masaya ako, kahit papaano.

Ate Brenda, Ate Aileen, next week ulit.

Tact Fact

Dahil tinatamad akong gumawa ng blog entry tungkol sa aking unang JEEP insertion sa Robinsons Marikina, gagawa na lang ako ng entry tungkol sa FIRO-B test interpretation namin kanina. May relevance naman sa JEEP eh, so ayos lang.

Kanina kasi, tinanong ni Ma'am Aileen, ang aming facilitator, kung kumusta ba kami sa aming mga area. Ayos na ayos naman ang area ko kasi ako yung pinalad na huling makapag-enlist sa Robinsons Marikina under kay Sir Mike. Medyo madali lang naman ang trabaho doon kung ikukumpara sa pagiging palero slash basurero slash basurera ng Omni, fish vendor sa Marikina Wet Market, o kaya street sweeper ng Commonwealth Avenue ng EPMWD. Sa totoo lang, wala talaga akong reklamo sa Robinsons Marikina. Malinis, malamig, at hindi mabaho. Well, exceptions siguro yung receiving area na sobrang init at yung meat section na sobrang amoy sariwang karne. Ay, ang reklamo ko lang pala ay yung sobrang hirap ng buhay na wala kang bulsa. Grabe. Akala ko dati, kunin mo nang lahat 'wag lang ang aking dignidad at puri. Ngayon, kunin mo nang lahat 'wag lang ang aking dignidad at puri plus mga bulsa kasi mawawalan ako ng lalagyan ko ng panyo at pamasahe.

Kanina, habang nagbabahagi si Gabo ng kanyang mga saloobin, tumatak sa isip ko yung sinabi niyang naghihinay-hinay daw siya sa mga sinasabi niya sa Sta. Lucia kapag kinakausap siya ng mga talagang janitor doon. Naikuwento niya sa amin na parang mali yung isinagot niya noong tinanong siya kung ano raw bang ginagawa ng mga Atenista doon sa Sta. Lucia, at nagtatrabaho bilang mga janitor at janitress. Sabi niya, immersion.

Eh immersion program naman talaga ang JEeP eh, hindi ba?

Nung naisip ni Gabo yung mga sinabi niya, sana "training" na lang daw yung sinabi niya. Kasi raw parang naibaba nang hindi sinasadya ni Gabo ang tingin niya sa mga janitor noong sinabi niyang "immersion".

Oo nga naman.

Samantalang ako, noong tinanong nina Kuya at ni Ate, diri-diretso kong sinabi na "immersion".



Walang masama magsabi ng katotohanan, pero kailangan din ng pag-iingat. Hindi kasi natin alam kung kailan tayo makakasakit ng damdamin ng ibang tao.

Rudolf (Jan - Nov 2008 Ed)

There are always these times when one stops and thinks what life has given him or her. There are always these times when one stops, remains silent, and tries to figure out what he or she has done to say that they are truly alive.

Because I failed to fight a bout of extreme laziness, I ended up looking at the old photos in my phone. I was amused on how I looked before. My hair was once painstakingly styled to my desired appearance. I remember slowly combing my hair, and putting styling wax in my palms and carefully applying it to my coarse hair. I remember the citrus smell of the white wax that I applied on my hair before. The feel of a comb running though my hair is still vivid in my memories.

But now, I usually let Milai shave my hair to the length they call uno.

Somewhere, and somehow, things have changed.

But,
I am still getting tired of everything. In my desperate pursuit for security, happiness is always the price.


It was the price,
it is the price,
and it will be the price.

I'm just tired. Sorry.

May Pasok na Pala Ako

Ay, may pasok na pala ako.

Hindi naman sa hindi ko narealize na may pasok na ako. Parang wala kasing nagbago sa aking buhay miski na nagkaroon na ako ng pasok since Monday.

Medyo marami na ring nangyari ngayong week na ito. Nakita ko na lahat ng mga professor ko. HIndi ko alam. Medyo mixed ang feelings ko. Masaya ako na mababa ang random number ko kaya nakuha ko si Sir Rochester for Th131 na tungkol sa Marriage and Human Sexuality. Ayos siya, in my opinion, kasi ang light ng feel ng class niya. Parang walang pressure, hindi katulad nung kay Fr. Arcilla last sem. Dahil dun, masarap makinig sa class niya, bukod sa fact na medyo interested ako sa subject na yun. Medyo natatakot lang nga ako na baka masunog ako sa aking seat dahil sa tagal ko nang hindi nagsisimba. Actually, nahilo ako nung Monday sa class niya. Siguro dahil na rin isang taon na akong walang kahit na anong theology classes. Alam mo yung feeling na umiikot yung mundo mo miski naman alam mong nakaupo ka lang? Ganun yung feeling ko habang napapalibutan ako ng words coming straight from the Bible. Akala ko nga, kinukuha na ako ni Lord eh. Sobrang omaygad talaga.

Pero as usual, merong mga class na hindi maiwasang antukin. Most CS subjects are painfully designed that way. Puro kasi concepts, algorithms, or terms ang itinuturo. Wala ring application masyado. Well, wala akong magagawa kasi yan ang pinili kong course. Ayos lang naman, nakakantok lang talaga sina Doc Mana at Doc Vergara. Ang hihina ng boses nila kaya hindi ko talagang maiwasang maprolong ang pagkurap ng aking mga mata mula sa milliseconds to about two seconds each. Ayos lang naman, may CS179.15B naman ako eh. Bukod na si do-anything-you-want Sir Jal ang prof, bago pa ang terminals sa F204. Grabe. Nakakawindang sa bilis at ganda.

Wala akong magagawa sa Ph102 ko. Required kaming manatili sa piling ni Sir Mike. Maayos naman siyang magturo, yun nga lang, hindi siya mabait sa pagbigay ng grades. Siyempre hindi maaalis sa isang estudyante ang maging grade conscious to a certain extent, pero ako naman, kahit papaano, nabawas-bawasan ko na ang pagiging grade conscious. Kailangan rin naming magtrabaho at makasama ang mga tao sa laylayan ng ating lipunan. Required siya sa para sa formation program ng Ateneo. Medyo maswerte nga ako na sa Robinsons Supermarket Marikina ako magtatrabaho ng tatlong Sabado, pero gusto ko sanang maging basurero. Wala lang. Mukha kasing exciting mangolekta ng basura ng iba.

Kaya nung nakaraang linggo, lagi na lang akong pagod pag-uwi. Hindi na ako makapag-isip ng mabuti sa antok. Paglapat ng likod ko sa aking kama, wala pang isang minuto ay wala na akong malay.

Nakakapagod.

Pero mas napapagod na ako sa mga panandaliang pagtigil ng daloy ng oras tuwing ako'y napapatitig sa kawalan, at naiisip ang nakaraan.

A Candle in the Wind (A Memory Fades - Final Light)

November 1, 2008
Sta. Maria Public Cemetery, Sta. Maria, Bulacan

The unpredictable weather seemed to resume its usual dryness. The weather was such a friend as my cousins and I walked along the cramped street leading to the entrance of the public cemetery. The place had a very different feel from Loyola: it was robust, lively, and full of energy. It was a weird feeling. It was very strange to brush my arms with an endless array of strangers. It was very uncomfortable to see hundreds and hundreds of curious eyes taking a glimpse into the eyes of a person hailing from Manila. It was difficult to remain calm and collected as the innocent stares of passers-by became an invisible, immaterial ridicule to my tired and heavy eyes.

The agony did not stop there. Inside the cemetery, the heat was remarkably impossible. The cool air brushing about and the cloudy sky that curtained the intense heat of the sun seemed to have dissipated. The air became saturated with the mixed smell of dead flowers, wax, and human perspiration. Sweat started to trickle down my back as I started to realize the heat from the numerous candles planted in front of the nitsos and the heat from the huge amount of people cramming themselves into the white city of apartments with marble addresses. After a seemingly endless journey and after another hundred more people beaten by their curiosity, we arrived to where the ancestors of Mamie lay.

There was no place to sit. So I decided to shred a plastic bag, and sit on top of Lolo's nitso.

I was successful in establishing a nook for myself in that chaotic world, but I was unable to draw a separate peace to calm my inner self being tossed around by towering waves in the middle of a heaven-shattering sea storm.

Soon, the gray skies slowly turned into an unsure relative of purple. My back ached tremendously as kids climbed up the tallest apartments and made a playground out of the flat surfaces of other people's eternal peace. I watched them play, sing, joke around, and even dance to a beat I was deaf of. They watched in awe as the kingly presence of the betrayed sun withdrew and let the crescent moon and her darkness creep in silently. As the darkness slowly claimed her reign in the sky, the candles with all their memories made their presence more real. The candles made their presence more meaningful.

The candles burned vigorously and brightly as the sky became a deep ceiling of uncertainty. It was unnatural that all the candles, different in their shapes, sizes, and colors, seemed to be all the same to my eyes shrouded by confusion. They seemed to burn in a monotonous manner, as if all the wicks present in my vision were all chanting an unheard mantra which made me more and more desperate for answers. Distraught, confused, and feeling lonely, I gently tucked my legs closer to my body and embraced them as I tried to draw an empty sense of security from an evenly empty part of my being.

And just about that time, a strong force ravaged across the cemetery. A sudden burst of wind turned the monochromatic burn of the candles into an ocean of vermilion embers. The smell of forgotten memories coalesced about and condensed the air that filled my lungs. All candles died at the same moment as they burned all at the same time, and all at the same manner.



All,

except one.



Nanay, 83 ka na dapat ngayon kung hindi mo ako iniwan. Happy Birthday. I love you, at miss na miss ko na kayo ni Tatay.

A Memory Fades (First Light)

October 31, 2008
Loyola Memorial Park, Marikina

The weather was harsh. The light drizzle that eased the unbearable heat that lasted for days became a heavy deluge of cold needles shooting down from the sky. The peaceful air of the resting places became a chaotic calamity-stricken world where rain was the ammunition and the slippery and wet grass was the devastating effect. The merciless break of the heavens sent hundreds and hundreds of candles of all shapes, sizes, colors, and scents into the grip of the darkness. It was ironic that the candles kindled for the dead were dying in their own, little way. Most candles left alone to fend for themselves were extinguished almost instantly.

But after a brief but intense shower, the skies cleared up. Stars soon peeked amidst the chilly night sky. The candles that remained lit slowly started to burn with a renewed vigor. I found myself transfixed to the beauty of a candle's flame as more and more candles slowly regained its warmth, and its memories. I was soon surrounded by the warmth of an unknown presence as I sat silently under an old, old tree. It was the same tree that saw me burst into tears when I failed to keep all of my sadness to myself as we lowered Tatay to his final resting place. It was also the same tree which witnessed all my sorrow and tears when we were to bring Nanay to where Tatay and Tita Nene was. And I am pretty sure that was the same tree that watched an innocent kid wondering what was happening around him.

Then, it started to rain once again, as if the heavens understood what I was trying to say.

Choose

Since the start of my semestral break, all I am doing here in the house is wake up, eat, play, take a bath, play some more, and sleep. Nothing has been happening in my life these past few weeks that have some deep impact on my monotonous activities as a student. Well, since school's out, nothing has been happening that I can call worthy of being blogged.

Maybe the lack of pressure in my life now is slowly draining away everything creative in my whole being. But as I experienced during the last few weeks of the past semester, too much pressure cooks a person into something bland, dull, rubbery, and tasteless. Every creative energy I had was diverted into nothing but schoolwork. There were nights when I shifted into the seventh out of the six gears I know I have. I had to type a truckload of reports for our sales and inventory management system project, study ten theses statements for my final oral exam, and study for countless hours for three subjects. I had to overclock myself since everything needed to be done at the same time, or else, all hell would break loose.

Recently, I have discovered in myself that I am a very indecisive person, indecisive to the point that the opportunity to choose passes away because of the very lengthy time I take to decide. I have always been telling myself that I'd rather not choose because I do not want to make a decision that I might regret in the end, but as I talk to people who are older than me, I discover that I want to choose both. I always look at both choices and want them equally as the other. I do not know if I get torn whenever I leave something behind for another, but the fact remains that most of the time, I lose both because I want the two of them badly. I ranted to a friend of mine how boring sembreak life was because there was nothing to do. I also told him how I hated the hell weeks in school since I can't afford to slack off.

Gian (10/15/2008 6:35:27 PM): make up your mind

Philosophy 101 has taught me that man is man because he has the ability to choose freely, and these decisions will affect his future.

I always have reasons to choose something and not to choose something. The problem is, I always have a reason for everything.

I'm just afraid.

Reality and Fantasy: at War

After defeating a kingdom's whole army and endlessly routing one enemy officer after the other, sleepiness came knocking on my tired eyes. After continuously firing arrows that split into massive shockwaves that stunned the enemy on the spot, I felt a bolt of sleepiness hit my impenetrable desire to play. The mighty swings of the Spirit Reaper and the alluring but deadly dances of Da Ji were defeated by the tired feeling that consumed me inside. It was time to leave the world Orochi had created to test his might against the heroes of history. The short arm of the clock at three and the long one at six bellowed a lullaby in irony. I had to go to sleep because if my parents were to catch me playing in such an unholy hour, I would be toast for good.

Still thinking about the game that I was playing for over two hours, I lied on my bed. Staring directly into the darkness where the ceiling painted like the sky was supposed to be, I kept thinking about Ina's fantastic attacks with her bow, Da Ji's chaotic disruption as she performs her attacks with her Spheres of Decay, and Orochi's massive pulse, flame, and lightning charge attack. I was silently washed away to the shores of sleep with these thoughts in mind. However, the calm crashing of the waves in the shoreline suddenly became a loud, dissonant noise that echoed infinitely into the remote distance.

Video games have always brought me a different kind of peace. The fragments of power and fantasy make me break free from the painful bonds of reality and bring me into a world where war and harmony exist side by side. It blinds the harsh realities that one has to face in life. The escape from reality that these games offer me has kept me sane in the rockiest rivers and roughest seas. However, one cannot escape reality as it always reveals itself to the consciousness of people. No matter how hard we try to run away from the real world, we still exist and move in real time and space. When we try to escape reality, we are simply deluding ourselves to a foolish sense of emancipation to freedom.

My mind suddenly went blank.

And then, it happened.



Masaya ba ako?



I have asked myself that question over and over again. But all I ever do is enter the fantasy world, hoping tomorrow will bring more enemies to knock out, more items to collect, and more strategies to foil. I simply load up a game and channel all my energies into completing the mission placed in front of me.

All I ever do is run away, once again hoping that tomorrow will be just the same as today.

Beat the Polygraph: The Moment of Truth (First Pulse)

The Moment of Truth is a game show wherein contestants, before the show, are asked fifty or more questions while they are connected to a polygraph. The contestants are asked to answer the questions as truthfully as they can, as the results of the test are not revealed to the contestants. During the show, he or she is asked twenty-one questions from the pool of questions they were asked during the lie-detector test. The questions progressively get more and more personal, and the contestant only has to answer these questions as truthfully as they can to win the half million dollars.

I was watching an episode of The Moment of Truth earlier this evening. It was amusing to watch the female contestant in her despair as she tried to contain her emotions. She endlessly shifted her bottom on her seat. She always sighed a big breath of relief whenever the female voice would say the word "TRUE". The questions revolved around her relationship with her current husband, which apparently was not her first, second, or third spouse. Very personal questions were thrown at her, but she all answered those truthfully. Her reveal that she would not marry her husband if he didn't had the money won her $100,000. But the question that made her win $200,000 was about her mother. She answered no when she was asked the question if her mother was terminally ill and wanted to end her life, would she do it or not.

As I was silently laughing at her struggle, thoughts came to my head. I told myself that one has no reason to worry if in all his or her life, he or she did not do anything that is against his or her conscience, or something embarrassing for the matter. I wondered what would happen to me if I was the one seated in that modern seat, being barraged with questions pertaining to the most private aspects of my life. Will I shift endlessly in the seat as well? Will I get teary-eyed when the host asks me a question about something that I never thought of even saying to my family?

Are people that desperate for money that they are willing to throw away their dignity and risk the most important relationships they have in their lives?

Determination

I will try to break my bad habit of never finishing anything this break. I want to do a lot of things, but I might end up not finishing what I started in the end. I know that I have a lot of half-read books, unfinished artworks, and a lot of plans left hanging. I just don't know why my interest on things steeply reclines when I start doing them. The excitement I feel every time I plan to do something suddenly vanishes after a few days of doing whatever that thing is.

I guess I'm just a kind of person who can't handle things in the long run. If I do need to do something that would occupy my time for a while, I would make milestones in order for me to keep track and stay working on whatever that is. And I guess I'm someone who easily gets distracted since I have a lot of interests. I always want to try something new, but the thing is, I never get to finish what I started.

Or maybe because I don't want to improve? Or I don't want to succeed in my field? I dislike success, in some pathetic way or another. I keep on telling myself that I always want to stay low, hidden from the scrupulous stares and echoing murmurs of people in the big, bad world.

Weird. Just weird.

Sometimes, I just can't understand myself. Maybe I should be determined to fully know who I am?

Pressure ~ Feelings

It is one of those blog posts wherein I feel pressured to write something because I feel that I am starting to neglect my blog again. It's not that. I've been really busy during the past few days. Rage almost consumed me when Fr. Arcilla moved our long test from the following week to the following Thursday. My plans for the week was instantly destroyed as I silently sat on my armchair, restraining my fury and nursing my malevolent intentions. My plan was to study during the weekend and take a little time off during the rest of the days. But, Fr. Arcilla's "unplanned" trip to Mexico made me push my mind and body to its extreme limits. I felt I was at the verge of a mental implosion coupled with an instantaneous shutdown of my bodily functions. For two or three nights in a row, I found myself sleeping even past the witching hours. I woke up to cloudy mornings with an unfamiliar emptiness and lightness in my head.

Oh well. I can say bye-bye to that long test. Apparently, I was so worked up that I messed up the facts that were essential in answering the question. I coined the ship "Bertha" as "Brusa", and I may bewilder historians as I said that there was an embassy in New York during the times of the La Gloriosa and the Cavite Mutiny.

Anyway, I was appointed as the project head of GA3 this year. I'm a little worried that I can't do it, but I'm also excited about it even right now. I also joined a committee on Loopback, an event with the alumni of CompSAt.

Some things are just happening, and I cannot do anything about it. Happy things are happening, but I cannot fully embrace its warm feeling since I am in the midst of the embrace of sadness. Two of my greatest blockmates will be leaving for France in three days. I don't know how my best friend feels about what he's going through, but that's okay I guess. We made an agreement that we won't pressure each other to tell about our own problems. The feelings I have for a friend of mine are still inside my heart, although these feelings aren't as painful as before.

Life.

The ACET will be held next Saturday and Sunday. I'm looking forward to it since I will be proctoring for the two whole days of it, and I will be earning my very first salary. Somehow and in some way, all these responsibilities that I have taken up or have been imposed on me makes me feel all grown-up. Well, I'm already 20, but I still find myself isip-bata.

---

I'll miss you two.
Don't stay sad too long.
Thanks for recognizing me when I passed by. You made my day.

Under a Starless Sky: Crimson Eclipse

Tita Nene died when I was two years old. I could hardly remember anything about her: I cannot recall her voice, the way she looked, the length of her hair, or even the smell of her perfume. She has always been just a beautiful lady in the picture in the room directly above mine. My parents had told me that she fondly called me "Ongpong," her favorite nephew. They said she treated me as if I was her own child, but sadly, my memory as a two-year-old simply cannot remember.

Yesterday was her 18th death anniversary. As always, we went to visit her in Loyola.

We bought her white orchids. I cannot exactly recall, but I know that her favorite color was white. Nanay liked green, while Tatay liked blue, if I remember right.

O, 'lina kayo. Magdasal na tayo.

As they made the Sign of the Cross and started to utter the Our Father, I stepped back a few paces. I looked at Tita Nene's name engraved on the marble. For some reason, I felt different. I have been looking at the same grave marker for three years now (since it was changed when Nanay passed away three years ago). I have been looking at the same name for eighteen years, but it was during that time I felt different. Somehow, I felt a happy embrace protect my whole being, but within that embrace lied a sorrow loneliness. I didn't know how my feelings came to that unusual conglomerate, but it made me look up at the sky covered in a thin sheet of misty clouds.

Tita Nene... Kumusta na kayo diyan nina Nay at Tay?

The afternoon sun and the ephemeral clouds coalescenced into a yellow figure in the distant horizon. The beautiful sight kept me in a trance of idleness. My mind felt blank, my body felt blank, and worst of all, my heart and feelings felt blank.

Rudolf, halika na!

The golden figure in the distant horizon had changed, me unaware of it. It has turned into a fiery blaze burning and ravaging the peace in the sky. It was like a hell in heaven, a fragment of sorrow inside paradise.

Tita Nene, bakit ba ang lungkut-lungkot ng pakiramdam ko? Bakit ba napaka-lonely ng feeling ko miski na marami akong mabubuting kaibigan at masaya naman kasama kahit papaano sina Mamie, Dadee, Kuya, at Ate?

The flames in the sky claimed my peace and burned it selfishly away. As I stared at Tita Nene's name engraved on their marker, I tried to search for the answer deep inside my heart.

And it was that time
that I reallized that my heart was the problem.

The crimson eclipse that astonished me probably burned the happiness I keep on searching. The vibrant flames of that conflagrant sea kept burning my hands whenever I tried to reach a happy memory. Everything seemed so near, but everything felt so distant, far away beyond the ardent horizon.



Again, I am left under a starless sky, silently persevering to find what is missing.