Monday, August 18, 2008

Forever Asleep: Please Don't Die

A few weeks have passed with dreamless nights. The visions that lived in the subconscious part of my brain seemed to have left for good, but a few nights ago, it returned, only for it to say farewell.

I wish it is only a dream,
and yet it is a dream.
I want him to stay with me in my dreams

forever.

---

It was raining heavily. I was walking in the darkness as I tightly hugged my body for warmth underneath my rickety umbrella. The wet bursts of wind was too strong for my umbrella to take. The frigid strikes of the wind sheared and swayed my poor umbrella, and after a while of struggling, its demise was imminent. Moments later, I found myself drenched, running towards a sari-sari store, where suspicious looking people boisterously drank beer. Their breaths reeked of the putrid smell of the beverage, and their looks were saturated with alcohol.

I trembled slightly.

Oi pare, baka gusto mong uminom?!

What I feared the most happened.

Ah 'di bale na ho. Salamat na lang po.

Aba aba, hindi mo ba kilala kung sino ang kausap mo?

A grizzly looking man stood up and juggled a butterfly knife in his right hand with impossible dexterity. Cold sweat emanated from my pores. I tried to speak, but no words escaped my lips. I silently stood there, rooted to the spot. I pushed myself to hold back the tears of fear that were collecting in my eyes. Fear crippled my body into a quivering mass of fright as the giant man approached me with his weapon on his hand.

Sensing the fear that was taking over me, the man burst into a manic laughter that made chills run down my spine.

Aba aba. Totoy, natatakot ka ba?

His breath smelled like death itself. The alcohol in his benign breath plagued the air I breathed as I shivered in fear and in the bitter cold.

Hi..hindi..

And then, a solid and compact fist smashed my jaw. I flew several paces, and slammed painfully to the cold, wet cement road. The pain radiated from my jaw throughout my whole body. It felt as if something thorny gripped my whole body forcefully, and the more I tried to move, the more the thorns embedded itself into my skin. I tried to get up, but as soon as I got to my knees, the drunk man kicked me in my stomach. Gagging as the toes of his boots sank into my abdomen, I felt an unstoppable urge to vomit. I rolled over and soaked myself in a puddle of cold rainwater mixed with what appeared to be blood.

He laughed at me as pain consumed my being. His laugh echoed into the deepest part of my brain. The pain that covered me and his maddened laughter made me give up the fight and remain there, lying on the ground.

Masarap ba, totoy? Mas masarap ito...

He revealed the impossibly long blade hidden inside his butterfly knife. The sharp steel edge looked as if it has claimed countless lives of people before.

Was I about to die?

HAHA PUTANG INA MO TOTOY!

He thusted the knife downward with all his might as he clasped it in both of his barbaric hands.

I was unable to move anymore. The cold was too much to bear, and the pain was simply too great.

I looked at the midnight sky as rain continued to pour unmercilessly. Rain camouflaged the tears that were pouring from my tired, tired eyes. As the infinite drops of tears endlessly torrented, I thought of him, the man whom I met in my dreams of forever asleep. I thought of the man who made me feel alive and secure when I was at the brink of total sorrow and despair. I tried to remember how his deep voice was a melody to my crying soul. I tried to remember the warmth his muscular arms and toned chest blanketed me with in his endearing embrace. I tried to recall how soft his lips were as it gently touched my temple.

I tried to remember the security I felt when he held my hand tightly.

And then, there was the inhumane sound of a knife driving itself into human flesh. My breath stopped instantly as my body tremored feverishly.

I opened my eyes, and the very first thing I saw was his face. His deep brown eyes looked at my eyes. I felt his breath slowly getting weaker and weaker. His face showed no sign of weakness even if a knife has apparently stabbed him mortally in the back. He picked me up at planted me to his chest, and embraced me tightly just as before.

Sabi ko sayo, andito lang ako...

I felt an overwhelming sense of security and happiness. Even in the worst situation, I asked him if he could keep embracing me until the rains stopped. I asked him if he wanted to bask under the sun as he embraced me.

But the insane man kicked him forcefully and painfully aside.

Howling with delight and pleasure, he regained his stance and thrusted his blood-stained weapon towards my trembling body.

As I laid there, trembling under the cold rain, I thought of the moment when our eyes looked at each other. I retained that memory in my mind as the darkness slowly devoured my weakening vision.

Pwede na akong mamatay...
Hindi, gusto ko pa siyang makita ulit...

Then, in a flash of a silvery blur, an unimaginable pain pierced my chest.

I opened my eyes into the faint sunlight creeping into my room. My body trembling, I reached for my blanket and embraced myself into it. As I stared blankly at the ceiling, I felt a lone tear roll down on the side of my face.


It was just a dream.

But I hope I see you again.

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