You May Pull the Red String

The shadows of sins flicker and flutter. A sorrowful destiny; a path of doubt. The hater and he hated are two in one; two cracked mirrors reflecting each other. We come from the darkness, where the threads of time intertwine.

We shall exact your revenge.

---
Urban legend has it that if one posts their grudge on a mysterious web page at the stroke of midnight, Ai Enma - a young, pale girl known as the Jigoku Shoujo (Girl from Hell) - will appear with a straw doll with a string around its neck. This site, known as the Jigoku Tsushin (Hell Correspondence), is rumored to be only accessible exactly at midnight. Should someone submit the name of someone against whom they bear a grudge or immense hatred, Ai Enma will take them to a realm of perpetual twilight where she offers them a straw doll with a red string wound around its neck and describe to the client the details of their contract; should the client pull the string tied around the doll's neck, she will ferry the target of the revenge straightaway to Hell. However, once the client's life has ended, he or she too will go to Hell; a black crest-shaped mark appears on the client's chest to serve as a permanent reminder of this and their decision to send someone to Hell. Both of them will wander hell for eternity, forever feeling pain and suffering; not knowing what paradise is like.


"If you truly wish to eliminate the person tormenting you, you would just pull this red string. Upon doing so, you enter into an official contract with me. The person tormenting you would be sent immediately to hell. But when a person is cursed, two graves are dug. When your body dies, your soul goes to hell, forever wandering and never knowing what paradise is...

And now, you decide what happens next."

Under a Starless Sky: Crimson Eclipse

Tita Nene died when I was two years old. I could hardly remember anything about her: I cannot recall her voice, the way she looked, the length of her hair, or even the smell of her perfume. She has always been just a beautiful lady in the picture in the room directly above mine. My parents had told me that she fondly called me "Ongpong," her favorite nephew. They said she treated me as if I was her own child, but sadly, my memory as a two-year-old simply cannot remember.

Yesterday was her 18th death anniversary. As always, we went to visit her in Loyola.

We bought her white orchids. I cannot exactly recall, but I know that her favorite color was white. Nanay liked green, while Tatay liked blue, if I remember right.

O, 'lina kayo. Magdasal na tayo.

As they made the Sign of the Cross and started to utter the Our Father, I stepped back a few paces. I looked at Tita Nene's name engraved on the marble. For some reason, I felt different. I have been looking at the same grave marker for three years now (since it was changed when Nanay passed away three years ago). I have been looking at the same name for eighteen years, but it was during that time I felt different. Somehow, I felt a happy embrace protect my whole being, but within that embrace lied a sorrow loneliness. I didn't know how my feelings came to that unusual conglomerate, but it made me look up at the sky covered in a thin sheet of misty clouds.

Tita Nene... Kumusta na kayo diyan nina Nay at Tay?

The afternoon sun and the ephemeral clouds coalescenced into a yellow figure in the distant horizon. The beautiful sight kept me in a trance of idleness. My mind felt blank, my body felt blank, and worst of all, my heart and feelings felt blank.

Rudolf, halika na!

The golden figure in the distant horizon had changed, me unaware of it. It has turned into a fiery blaze burning and ravaging the peace in the sky. It was like a hell in heaven, a fragment of sorrow inside paradise.

Tita Nene, bakit ba ang lungkut-lungkot ng pakiramdam ko? Bakit ba napaka-lonely ng feeling ko miski na marami akong mabubuting kaibigan at masaya naman kasama kahit papaano sina Mamie, Dadee, Kuya, at Ate?

The flames in the sky claimed my peace and burned it selfishly away. As I stared at Tita Nene's name engraved on their marker, I tried to search for the answer deep inside my heart.

And it was that time
that I reallized that my heart was the problem.

The crimson eclipse that astonished me probably burned the happiness I keep on searching. The vibrant flames of that conflagrant sea kept burning my hands whenever I tried to reach a happy memory. Everything seemed so near, but everything felt so distant, far away beyond the ardent horizon.



Again, I am left under a starless sky, silently persevering to find what is missing.

Searchlights

You are, for contradiction's sake, everything I remember that I swore I'd forget.

I promised Melody Kay that I'll be posting this in my blog today.

I also dedicate this to all the people who have fallen in love and get hurt in the end, but always keeps a small fragment of that love no matter how wrong everything gets or how painful life turns out to be. To all you people, keep on holding on, because that day will eventually come when you will finally meet the one.

This is from "Searchlights" performed by David Cook.

Searchlights - David Cook

The Wind Encloses Me in Its Endearing Embrace (Beginnings and Endings Under a Starless Sky: Second Stasis)

"Time flies so fast, but it stagnates in the most difficult periods of life."

---

Last Thursday, Block N had some sort of a final (hopefully not yet) get together for the year. Some of us would be parted from the block for an entire year, since they would be with their JTA Blocks. The day started nicely, but it ended in me pouring my whole soul out in tears in front of Ding. So much for a happy get together for me, I guess.

Nelvin, along with Meki, Raisa, Ding, EJ, Raf, and Thomas picked me up at home. I wanted Nelvin to drop by because I didn't want to bring around the documents (specifically the blank check) he would be giving me since I would be the one proxying him for summer reg. After that, we went to Katipunan to pick up Mika, and after which we went to Sta. Lucia to bowl, where Gillian, Jam, and Yanyan were supposed to meet with us.

All of us were hungry. So we decided (no, actually someone did) to take a quick snack in Wendy's. But when we arrived there, I was not able to decide right away what I would eat. I was having an internal conflict since I am kuripot and did not know what to eat at the same time. As I stood there in front of the counter thinking of what to eat, people came flooding in. The line grew longer and longer, and I went outside and watched the fountains since I was still unable to resolve the kakuriputan that was going on inside of me. But when I started gazing downwards on the fountains, my brain instantly got filled with memories of the past. My consciousness started to wane as I delved deeper and deeper into those memories, until Meki approached me and snapped me out of the trance I was engaging myself with.

I ordered a large Burger Bacon Mushroom Melt combo, but to tell the truth, I was completely disappointed. That Burger Bacon Mushroom Melt wasn't the one I know years back. The buns were just regular ones, and the size shrank as if it underwent some kind of weight loss plan. It wasn't the same obese burger with soft buns encased in a styrofoam container. Well, at least menially it satisfied my hunger, enough for me not to feel the uncomfortable lurching of my stomach, imploring me to eat so it could digest something. After we ate, we went to the bowling lanes where we waited for a little while before Gillian, Jam, and Yanyan arrived.

It was my first time to play bowling. I always threw the heavy 12-pound bowling ball I was using to the gutter. Raf told me to make the ball my center of gravity at the moment I was about to release the ball to the lane. Ding told me to straighten my arm as I release the ball and not to point to the gutter. Well, no wonder I was always throwing fences. After those tips, I felt the rhythm somehow and started to bowl better. I scored a 97 with two consecutive strikes (well, only one was within my frame since Mika gave up).

It was fun to see everyone play. We would cheer whenever someone would get a strike or score a spare, and we would "sayang!" if the ball came so close to the last pin standing. It was also fun to see Gillian's super reverse spin technique, Nelvin's kneeling ball release (termed as St. Ignatius by Meki I think), Meki's freezing stance when she throws the ball, the professional approaches and releases of Raf, Ding, and Raisa, Mika's efforts to score successfully, and Jam's and Yan's laughs whenever they topple a pin down. We had a very nice time. Every one of us were just smiling and smiling since all of us were enjoying each and every moment that all of us were together.

We picked up Kara at Mini Stop before we went to EJ's place.

When we got there, Nelvin told all of us to go upstairs already since the ramps of the parking building were steep. But I stayed along since parking on the 7th floor isn't fun especially when the levels before that were virtually empty of cars. When Nelvin turned off the engine of his Adventure, I asked him if he could carry my bag to where the others was since I wanted to go somewhere else first. He agreed, and I accompanied him to the elevator.

I went to the rooftop. It was where I felt the wind envelop me in its chilly embrace. The wind rekindled memories that were deeply rooted in my heart. I was soon blurry-eyed with tears making my vision hazy, but the images that were filling my head were as clear as the moment they happened. I desperately questioned myself over and over and over again why everything has to happen, and why everything that I valued the most had to be that way. I sat by the ledge and raised my arms to embrace the wind as well, but all that remained were empty hopes which I continued to believe in because there was nothing else left but memories.

And then, a tear escaped my desperate attempt to remain strong.

At around 7pm, we ate dinner. It was weird that there were moments wherein no one was talking. Only the noise of spoons and forks, the monotonous hums of the electric fans, the splashes from the pool, and the occasional voices of people nearby were heard. After eating, others played Uno Stacko, while Yanyan beat me to a pulp in Tekken 5 (1-11, and his controller had a defect). Raf and the others played Guitar Hero afterwards, and I unconsciously asked Ding to leave and have a talk. I really did not know why I did that since I wanted to play Guitar Hero as well.

I told her that things looked as if they would never be alright again. She told me it looked that way, since she can look at it from both sides. It was just then that I told her that life is very, very, very unfair.

"Napakaunfair naman kasi ng buhay eh. I tried so hard to fight everything, pero parang walang nangyayari. Sinasabi nilang hindi ko raw iniintindi ang feelings ng iba, eh yun nga ang lagi kong ginagawa for over three months now. Nung time na nagpakita ako ng weakness kasi hindi ko na talaga kaya kasi hirap na hirap na talaga ako, yun pa ang nakita nila. Hindi ko naman ginustong mangyari ito... Gusto ko lang talagang maging katulad ng dati..."

And it was about that time when Ding dawned on me that they weren't sure if I'm still a friend to them or not. I cannot put into words what pain it dealt to me. All along, they are still my best friends, no matter what happened. I had been fighting to stay alive and be happy for them. It turns out I was fighting and struggling for nothing. I perpetually asked myself if that was the end of two friendships which have kept me strong and happy through the most difficult times.

Is it true that everything will end now?

Ding patiently comforted me. She kept reassuring me that she and the others would always be there when I needed them. I know, I know they would be there for me. I know that. I always knew that. Thank you for that.


"Ang baso bang butas, gagamitin mo?"
"Hindi."
"Hindi, unless lalagyan ng tape."

"Ang baso bang butas na tinakpan, gagamitin mo ba miski na meron namang basong hindi butas?"
"Hindi."
"Hindi, unless special yung baso na yun..."

I climbed once more to the rooftop. I literally covered my eyes to stop my tears from falling. Once I got there, I immediately looked at the sky.

It still remained starless like before.

I climbed the cold, steel railings and stood there. I slowly lifted my arms and tried to embrace the wind once more. The wind blew stronger and stronger, making me fall backward into the cold concrete floor. As I lied there, the wind gently enveloped me once again in its endearing embrace. It rekindled all the memories that were deeply rooted in my heart, but it took away all the happiness that was remaining inside of me. Blown by the wind, the hope of a better tomorrow slowly vanished into the distant horizon, but I remained there, stranded under a starless sky, embracing memories that mean everything to me.

Hopelessly Believing, Intangibly Embracing

Ding treated us to Yellow Cab earlier this afternoon. I tried to put up a smile, but I found it difficult to do so. I was not feeling very well, but I think I was successful in hiding the pain that was tormenting my head. While I rested my head on the table, I kept on thinking what was wrong with me. I want to talk to someone because I already miss that person badly, but I simply cannot do so. I just cannot figure out why. After I said my gratitude to Ding's kindness and generosity, we started to leave. I looked at their backs for a moment with a vision blurred by tears before waving goodbye to the people already leaving.

"I give up."

I will be probably fooling myself again. I always say to myself that I already give up, but deep, deep inside, I keep on holding on to what may seem intangible to other people. I keep on holding on because that intangible object I continue embracing inside of me is enough for me to face the problems that life brings me. I continue to hold back the tears that are welling up inside my eyes which are already tired of seeing myself blankly staring in the mirror. I keep on finding an ounce of strength that makes me get up from my beaten and painful knees after I take a fall. After a struggle in life, I always triumph in some sort of way only at the end of it all. But that very end is the start of a downfall which always happens, but always takes me falling downward at monochromatic speeds rather unprepared. I keep on stumbling down to my knees in agony and pain that is caused by myself, but I always find myself rising up, whether I like it or not.

And because of this, I am starting to hate myself once again.

I keep on giving up but I keep on struggling on to stand up once more, but then only for me to give up again. I'd rather stay down on my knees and weep for eternity if need be than to get hurt over and over and over again because of my own realizations and foolish dreams. I'd rather keep on isolating myself because it is in solitude that I found once more the separate peace that a best friend of mine and myself once had. I'd rather keep on yearning how great the past was rather than optimistically facing the present to build the future but fail to realize it in the end. Like I said before, I'd rather stay sad knowing that someday, I will be happy again rather than being happy but afraid that one day, I will fall into another seemingly inescapable pit of sorrow and despair. How ironic. Everything is an irony, anyway.

I just don't want to keep getting hurt anymore. I'm too beaten up emotionally already that even my physical body is getting its toll. Is that too selfish to ask, or even beg? Is that too great to dream and desire? Is everything always so near, yet so far? Is everything always hard to get and seemingly unreachable?

I just want to give up. But I can't.

Maybe life enjoys picking on and bullying helpless persons who keep in believing on what is hopeless and embracing what is intangible, no matter what.

3.00

Oo. Iniwan na akong tuluyan ng aking mga pangarap na magpunta sa ibang bansa upang mag-aral ng five months ng third year ko doon. Gusto ko sana sa Japan, pero yun nga, hanggang gusto ko na lang. Hindi ko pa rin talaga alam kung bakit pinilit ko ang sarili kong magpunta sa JTA Orientation talk na iyon eh inaatake ako ng aking unknown head pains na unti-unti naman nang nagsusubside. Siguro tama nga si Nelvin sa pagsabi niyang nasa ulo ko lamang talaga ang sakit. I mean oo, sumasakit ang ulo ko, pero baka ako ang rason kung bakit ito sumasakit. Parang ganun. Iyon na rin siguro ang dahilan kung bakit may magical healing effects ang Crispy Chicken Steak meal water lang ng Jollibee at ang dalawang drum machine sa Gateway. Pero hindi rin eh, dahil habang umi-IPIS (Illegal Pwesto Illegal Sakay) ako dahil malasardinas ang mga bus sa non-IPIS area, nakaramdam ulit ako ng kaunting pagkahilo na kung saan naging anim na letra at anim na numero ang plaka ng bus na sinakyan ko.

Going back, tuluyan na nga akong iniwan ng aking mga pangarap na maging exchange student sa Sophia University sa Japan. Una, dahil lang sa grades ko, ngunit habang lumipas ang talk, unti-unti akong nabaon sa lupa habang nakastraight jacket.

Naisip ko ang apat na dahilang ito (ranked from most to least important):

1. Ang cut-off ng QPI ay 3.00. Ang QPI ko ay nasa 2.50+ lamang.
2. Wala kaming pera.
3. Scholar ako.
4. Hindi ako active sa kahit na anong school organization.

Ayan.

Hayaan mo akong mag-expound ng kaunti sa mga poinrs na ito:

Point 1:
Napakaself-explanatory siguro nung una. HIndi lang talaga umabot ang aking QPI sa cut off. Ni hindi pa nga tumapak sa 3 ang kahit na anong QPI ko sa Loyola Schools. Bilang isang college student, ngayon ko lamang narirealize kung gaano kadali (at kawalang kwenta) ng aking high school, ang Ateneo High School. Ngayon ko lamang narealize kung gaano kadali ang high school ko dati kung ikukumpara sa college. Ngunit hindi ko rin naman inaaalis sa aking isip na baka nga talagang napupurol na ang utak ko o kaya naman lumulubog na ang aking pagiging hardworking and responsible patungo sa pagiging tamad at mediocre. Mahirap na, baka may administrator ng Ateneo ang nagbabasa ng blog ko eh. Hindi rin naman kasi madali ang subjects ko noong first year ko. Biruin mong Ma18AB ang math ko nung pinakaunang sem ko sa college. It was a very traumatic experience. Doon ko lang talaga nadama kung papaano "gapangin ang sahig." Ginapang ko talaga ang math na iyan, yung math na math din naman namin nung 4th year ako, pero all compressed into one semester. O di ba? Napakaefficient ng compression system ng Ateneo. At hindi lang yan, 6 units ang math na iyan miski naman hindi ako math major. Ang galing talaga.

Point 2: (which leads to Point 3)
Wala kaming pera. Ang estimated expenses para sa living, food, and other expenditures ay aabot hanggang 9,000.00 USD sa Japan (sabihin na nating nasa P48.00 ang palitan ng dollar, so mga 432,000.00 PHP). Take note na wala pa dito ang iyong budget para sa limang buwan abroad. Sabi ng mga nag-JTA, it's not far na magdadala ka ng extrang 10,000.00 USD para sa expenses mo for the whole stay abroad. So, mga isang milyong piso ang kailangang sunugin ng mga magulang ko kung hindi ko problema ang point 1. Isang milyon ang gagastusin bukod pa sa mga hassle ng mga kailangang mga documents at mga kung ano pa. Isang milyon ang kailangan gastusin, eh wala pa ngang 750,000 PHP ang annual income ng tatay ko no.

Point 3:
Scholar ka naman pala eh, hindi ba iyon masoshoulder ng scholarship mo? Hindi. Overloaded subjects nga hindi na credited sa scholarship, eh papaano pa kaya iyang 5-month stay overseas? Pinoint out ito ni Ma'am Didith: financial aid scholar ka (supposedly wala kang pera), so bakit all of a sudden, kaya mong gumastos ng ganito kalaki? Well, it makes sense naman talaga. Alangan naman sabihin mong sumali ako sa Wheel of Fortune hosted by Kris Aquino (hindi ako binayaran ng ABS-CBN para magpromote, ang masasabi ko lang, put*ng ina nilang parehong GMA at ABS-CBN) at nanalo ng jackpot prize na dalawang milyon or nanalo ng jackpot sa 6/49 na lotto ng tumatagingting na kwarenta mil. Talk to your funders daw, ayon kay Ma'am Didith.

Point 4:
Well hindi naman ito masyadong mahalaga. Plus lang ito dahil sabi ni Ma'am Didith na in case na may tie sa mga QPI. Ranked from highest to lowest sa QPI kasi yung mga applicants, tapos kung may tie, titingnan nung biodata mo na kung saan nakalagay yung mga orgs na kung saan active ka and stuff.

Pero ngayon, masasabi kong ayaw ko na rin talaga mag-JTA dahil mawawalay ako sa mga taong mahal ko at importante para sa akin. Hindi ko maimagine ang buhay ko doon sa Sophia University or whatever university. Nag-aalala rin ako na kung may magje-JTA sa mga taong importante para sa akin. Mamimiss ko talaga sila kaya ayaw ko silang umalis, if ever. But it'll be too selfish to stop them from reaching their dreams they have worked hard to attain.

Maybe all I want is for them to share their dreams to an empty, stagnant person, just like me.

3.00.

Wala na pala talaga akong halaga.

Buti pa si Xing Cai, Lv. 92 na dahil ikinuha ko si Nou at Nene ng Delicious Venom at Devil Feathers.