A Candle in the Wind (A Memory Fades - Final Light)

November 1, 2008
Sta. Maria Public Cemetery, Sta. Maria, Bulacan

The unpredictable weather seemed to resume its usual dryness. The weather was such a friend as my cousins and I walked along the cramped street leading to the entrance of the public cemetery. The place had a very different feel from Loyola: it was robust, lively, and full of energy. It was a weird feeling. It was very strange to brush my arms with an endless array of strangers. It was very uncomfortable to see hundreds and hundreds of curious eyes taking a glimpse into the eyes of a person hailing from Manila. It was difficult to remain calm and collected as the innocent stares of passers-by became an invisible, immaterial ridicule to my tired and heavy eyes.

The agony did not stop there. Inside the cemetery, the heat was remarkably impossible. The cool air brushing about and the cloudy sky that curtained the intense heat of the sun seemed to have dissipated. The air became saturated with the mixed smell of dead flowers, wax, and human perspiration. Sweat started to trickle down my back as I started to realize the heat from the numerous candles planted in front of the nitsos and the heat from the huge amount of people cramming themselves into the white city of apartments with marble addresses. After a seemingly endless journey and after another hundred more people beaten by their curiosity, we arrived to where the ancestors of Mamie lay.

There was no place to sit. So I decided to shred a plastic bag, and sit on top of Lolo's nitso.

I was successful in establishing a nook for myself in that chaotic world, but I was unable to draw a separate peace to calm my inner self being tossed around by towering waves in the middle of a heaven-shattering sea storm.

Soon, the gray skies slowly turned into an unsure relative of purple. My back ached tremendously as kids climbed up the tallest apartments and made a playground out of the flat surfaces of other people's eternal peace. I watched them play, sing, joke around, and even dance to a beat I was deaf of. They watched in awe as the kingly presence of the betrayed sun withdrew and let the crescent moon and her darkness creep in silently. As the darkness slowly claimed her reign in the sky, the candles with all their memories made their presence more real. The candles made their presence more meaningful.

The candles burned vigorously and brightly as the sky became a deep ceiling of uncertainty. It was unnatural that all the candles, different in their shapes, sizes, and colors, seemed to be all the same to my eyes shrouded by confusion. They seemed to burn in a monotonous manner, as if all the wicks present in my vision were all chanting an unheard mantra which made me more and more desperate for answers. Distraught, confused, and feeling lonely, I gently tucked my legs closer to my body and embraced them as I tried to draw an empty sense of security from an evenly empty part of my being.

And just about that time, a strong force ravaged across the cemetery. A sudden burst of wind turned the monochromatic burn of the candles into an ocean of vermilion embers. The smell of forgotten memories coalesced about and condensed the air that filled my lungs. All candles died at the same moment as they burned all at the same time, and all at the same manner.



All,

except one.



Nanay, 83 ka na dapat ngayon kung hindi mo ako iniwan. Happy Birthday. I love you, at miss na miss ko na kayo ni Tatay.

67

dil - i - gence [dil-i-juh ns]
-noun

1. constant and earnest effort to accomplish what is undertaken; persistent exertion of body or mind.
2. Law. the degree of care and caution required by the circumstances of the person.
3. Obsolete. care; caution.


in - tel - li - gence [in-tel-i-juh ns]
-noun

1. capacity for learning, reasoning, understanding, and similar forms of mental activity; aptitude in grasping truths, relationships, facts, meanings, etc.
2. manifestation of a high mental capacity: He writes with intelligence and wit.
3. the faculty of understanding.
4. knowledge of an event, circumstance, etc., received or imparted; news; information.
5. the gathering or distribution of information, esp. secret information.
6. Government.
          a. information about an enemy or a potential enemy.
          b. the evaluated conclusions drawn from such information.
    c. an organization or agency engaged in gathering such information:           military intelligence; naval intelligence.
7. interchange of information: They have been maintaining intelligence with foreign agents for years.
8. Christian Science. a fundamental attribute of God, or infinite Mind.
9. (often initial capital letter) an intelligent being or spirit, esp. an incorporeal one, as an angel.


The world is cruel enough not to regard efforts as much as achievements...

And all there is left to do is try again... and achieve something. Second chances in everything are rare, so make the most out of everything. But what if one simply cannot accomplish what one desires, even if the most significant effort is placed on reaching out towards the goal?

Lose.

Fail.

And be stepped upon by the achievements of others. The world does not care what you try to do; it's what you accomplish that matters the most.

Why?

Yes, I woke up with a very different notion of "today" and "tomorrow" yesterday morning.

I do not exactly remember me thinking about monotonously depressing things that have happened in the past. I remember thinking about vector scaling as I closed my eyes and entered sleep. I don't know why I woke up yesterday morning with a familiar, depressing feeling of a burdened chest and a mind riddled with questions best left unanswered. I opened my eyes to one of those days that seemed the last. Putrid air reeking with a bleak tomorrow once again filled my helpless lungs, but there was nothing I could do but inhale the venom that poisoned me before. Gravity slowly won against my futile attempts to straighten up. My vision was blurred once more, as I did not recognize the unhappy face that stared back to me as I stood without confidence in front of the mirror.

I recognize this feeling.

I thought it was over. I knew it was over.

I don't want to be friends with them anymore. Maybe the pain I felt killed every single happy memory inside of me, and turned them into depressing shards of my life that ironically made me overcome sadness and deep despair. But the thing is, I cannot seem to let go of all the moments that we were together, happy and content with the company of each other. I cannot seem to let go of even a single one. Even if I try and try not to, those memories keep visiting my tired imagination over and over. My existence phases in and out of depressed conscious thought and oblivious tranced unconsciousness once again. My tears well up again since now, I struggle with myself not to feel any hatred since I was the one who committed the mistake that toppled everything.

Maybe I still want to become their friend. But maybe I hate them since they made me hate myself. I don't know.





I DON"T KNOW!




I am trapped within a new stasis of consequence. I did not choose to fall into another gorge of sorrow.

Why?

The Wind Encloses Me in Its Endearing Embrace (Beginnings and Endings Under a Starless Sky: Second Stasis)

"Time flies so fast, but it stagnates in the most difficult periods of life."

---

Last Thursday, Block N had some sort of a final (hopefully not yet) get together for the year. Some of us would be parted from the block for an entire year, since they would be with their JTA Blocks. The day started nicely, but it ended in me pouring my whole soul out in tears in front of Ding. So much for a happy get together for me, I guess.

Nelvin, along with Meki, Raisa, Ding, EJ, Raf, and Thomas picked me up at home. I wanted Nelvin to drop by because I didn't want to bring around the documents (specifically the blank check) he would be giving me since I would be the one proxying him for summer reg. After that, we went to Katipunan to pick up Mika, and after which we went to Sta. Lucia to bowl, where Gillian, Jam, and Yanyan were supposed to meet with us.

All of us were hungry. So we decided (no, actually someone did) to take a quick snack in Wendy's. But when we arrived there, I was not able to decide right away what I would eat. I was having an internal conflict since I am kuripot and did not know what to eat at the same time. As I stood there in front of the counter thinking of what to eat, people came flooding in. The line grew longer and longer, and I went outside and watched the fountains since I was still unable to resolve the kakuriputan that was going on inside of me. But when I started gazing downwards on the fountains, my brain instantly got filled with memories of the past. My consciousness started to wane as I delved deeper and deeper into those memories, until Meki approached me and snapped me out of the trance I was engaging myself with.

I ordered a large Burger Bacon Mushroom Melt combo, but to tell the truth, I was completely disappointed. That Burger Bacon Mushroom Melt wasn't the one I know years back. The buns were just regular ones, and the size shrank as if it underwent some kind of weight loss plan. It wasn't the same obese burger with soft buns encased in a styrofoam container. Well, at least menially it satisfied my hunger, enough for me not to feel the uncomfortable lurching of my stomach, imploring me to eat so it could digest something. After we ate, we went to the bowling lanes where we waited for a little while before Gillian, Jam, and Yanyan arrived.

It was my first time to play bowling. I always threw the heavy 12-pound bowling ball I was using to the gutter. Raf told me to make the ball my center of gravity at the moment I was about to release the ball to the lane. Ding told me to straighten my arm as I release the ball and not to point to the gutter. Well, no wonder I was always throwing fences. After those tips, I felt the rhythm somehow and started to bowl better. I scored a 97 with two consecutive strikes (well, only one was within my frame since Mika gave up).

It was fun to see everyone play. We would cheer whenever someone would get a strike or score a spare, and we would "sayang!" if the ball came so close to the last pin standing. It was also fun to see Gillian's super reverse spin technique, Nelvin's kneeling ball release (termed as St. Ignatius by Meki I think), Meki's freezing stance when she throws the ball, the professional approaches and releases of Raf, Ding, and Raisa, Mika's efforts to score successfully, and Jam's and Yan's laughs whenever they topple a pin down. We had a very nice time. Every one of us were just smiling and smiling since all of us were enjoying each and every moment that all of us were together.

We picked up Kara at Mini Stop before we went to EJ's place.

When we got there, Nelvin told all of us to go upstairs already since the ramps of the parking building were steep. But I stayed along since parking on the 7th floor isn't fun especially when the levels before that were virtually empty of cars. When Nelvin turned off the engine of his Adventure, I asked him if he could carry my bag to where the others was since I wanted to go somewhere else first. He agreed, and I accompanied him to the elevator.

I went to the rooftop. It was where I felt the wind envelop me in its chilly embrace. The wind rekindled memories that were deeply rooted in my heart. I was soon blurry-eyed with tears making my vision hazy, but the images that were filling my head were as clear as the moment they happened. I desperately questioned myself over and over and over again why everything has to happen, and why everything that I valued the most had to be that way. I sat by the ledge and raised my arms to embrace the wind as well, but all that remained were empty hopes which I continued to believe in because there was nothing else left but memories.

And then, a tear escaped my desperate attempt to remain strong.

At around 7pm, we ate dinner. It was weird that there were moments wherein no one was talking. Only the noise of spoons and forks, the monotonous hums of the electric fans, the splashes from the pool, and the occasional voices of people nearby were heard. After eating, others played Uno Stacko, while Yanyan beat me to a pulp in Tekken 5 (1-11, and his controller had a defect). Raf and the others played Guitar Hero afterwards, and I unconsciously asked Ding to leave and have a talk. I really did not know why I did that since I wanted to play Guitar Hero as well.

I told her that things looked as if they would never be alright again. She told me it looked that way, since she can look at it from both sides. It was just then that I told her that life is very, very, very unfair.

"Napakaunfair naman kasi ng buhay eh. I tried so hard to fight everything, pero parang walang nangyayari. Sinasabi nilang hindi ko raw iniintindi ang feelings ng iba, eh yun nga ang lagi kong ginagawa for over three months now. Nung time na nagpakita ako ng weakness kasi hindi ko na talaga kaya kasi hirap na hirap na talaga ako, yun pa ang nakita nila. Hindi ko naman ginustong mangyari ito... Gusto ko lang talagang maging katulad ng dati..."

And it was about that time when Ding dawned on me that they weren't sure if I'm still a friend to them or not. I cannot put into words what pain it dealt to me. All along, they are still my best friends, no matter what happened. I had been fighting to stay alive and be happy for them. It turns out I was fighting and struggling for nothing. I perpetually asked myself if that was the end of two friendships which have kept me strong and happy through the most difficult times.

Is it true that everything will end now?

Ding patiently comforted me. She kept reassuring me that she and the others would always be there when I needed them. I know, I know they would be there for me. I know that. I always knew that. Thank you for that.


"Ang baso bang butas, gagamitin mo?"
"Hindi."
"Hindi, unless lalagyan ng tape."

"Ang baso bang butas na tinakpan, gagamitin mo ba miski na meron namang basong hindi butas?"
"Hindi."
"Hindi, unless special yung baso na yun..."

I climbed once more to the rooftop. I literally covered my eyes to stop my tears from falling. Once I got there, I immediately looked at the sky.

It still remained starless like before.

I climbed the cold, steel railings and stood there. I slowly lifted my arms and tried to embrace the wind once more. The wind blew stronger and stronger, making me fall backward into the cold concrete floor. As I lied there, the wind gently enveloped me once again in its endearing embrace. It rekindled all the memories that were deeply rooted in my heart, but it took away all the happiness that was remaining inside of me. Blown by the wind, the hope of a better tomorrow slowly vanished into the distant horizon, but I remained there, stranded under a starless sky, embracing memories that mean everything to me.

Contentment

Kalokohan iyang transport strike na iyan. Hindi ko magets ang point kung bakit nila pineperwisyo ang mga nagkocommute. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit sila biglang mawawala sa daan, eh hindi naman siguro nagkocommute ang namamahala ng presyo ng krudo. Hindi ba? Salamat ha, wala kayo kanina. Hindi trapik. Walang sagabal at mga barumbadong driver ng jeep na ibaba ka sa susunod na kanto sa susunod na kilometro. Salamat ha, nakapag-exercise pa ako dahil nilakad ko mula Bahay ng Alumni hanggang UPIS dahil wala kayong mga driver na kayo. Salamat talaga, please accept my sincerest and most heart-felt gratitude.

Madali akong napapagod ngayon mga nakalipas na araw. Sabi ko nga sa ate ko, I feel lethargic once again. Siguro mataas ang sugar ng dugo ko o 'di naman kaya'y masyadong nagpoproduce ng bile ang aking liver. Ewan ko, ang labo naman kasi eh. Gusto kong lagi na lang akong tulog. Hindi lang dahil lagi akong pagod, pero dahil hindi ka nag-iisip habang tulog ka.

At least naman, medyo nakakausad na ang aming play sa Hi16. Sa susunod na Martes na kasi iyon eh. At least naman no. At dahil nagpractice kami kanina mula alas-3 ng hapon hanggang mga halos alas-7 ng gabi, napagod ako. Hindi naman ako mabilis mapagod, pero napagod talaga ako kanina. Hindi ko na alam, hindi ko na alam. Hindi naman ako puyat. Well, I think hindi naman ako puyat.

At kanina lang, tinext ako ni Jay Ann na pumanaw na raw ang kanyang nanay. Tinext ko siya kung ayos lang ba siya, at oo naman daw, ayos lang siya. Sorry talaga Jay Ann, hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat kong sabihin para kahit papaano, mabawasan ang lungkot na bumabalot sa iyong puso ngayon.

I'm such a failure.

Dahil nga grateful ako sa mga driver ng jeep, sumabay na lang ako kay Ding pauwi. Right after natapos kasi ang aming history practice, tinamaan na ako ng "pagod." Sinabi ko kay Ding how tired I was nung pauwi na kami.

"Grabe, napagod talaga ako. Ang bilis kong mapagod these days."
"Baka naman puyat ka."
"Hindi ah, pagdating ko nga sa bahay, natutulog na ako agad. Para na nga akong batugan eh."
"Baka naman marami ka lang iniisip.."

Pero may theory ako dito. Sinabi ko kay Ding na ang dami kong ayaw isipin kaya napapagod ako agad. Nagets naman yata ni Ding kung ano yung ibig kong sabihin. Pero yun nga, ang dami ko nga talagang iniisip.

Hay. And I thought everything will be alright.

But nag-usap ang dalawa kong best friends (or naging best friend, or whatever) tungkol sa Block N, kung papaano ito nagigng isang jigsaw puzzle. Sabi nila, dati raw, every piece of the puzzle fit perfectly. Pero ngayon daw, the pieces doesn't seem to fit perfectly anymore.

i'm trying my best
i just want everyone to be happy again
cguru iba na ang happiness kesa sa dati rudolf

I'm just too sensitive na talaga. Or maybe stupid to not see they are happy?

I want to give up. Pero hindi ko magawa. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, but giving up is something I am really incapable of.

I want to feel content. I'd rather be very sad but content rather than bluffing up an empty happiness.

Regret

I didn't want to say this again, but I think I'm in a new state of sadness due to a strong feeling of regret. I'm happy in some particular level, but again, things do happen making me feel unneeded and eventually disliked. I hate how sensitive I have become.

For the past few days, I have been fighting this new enemy named regret. I know I have nothing to regret about, but here I am, tears welling in sadness, missing the people I was with in the past, the past which seems very, very different from today.

I just don't know. Maybe I'll be better tomorrow. Maybe I'll be better later. Maybe I won't get better anytime soon.

And just to tell you, I lost 8 hard-earned pounds because I was sick for a full 5 days. I have cough which isn't getting any better, and just recently, I am feeling some chest and back pains, not to mention the headaches that crack my head from time to time.

Am I just a selfish person who wants to be happy again? Or am I someone who just never gets things right? Maybe both.

As a friend, I just want to be with someone again. I feel trapped.

It is difficult to be happy when deep inside, you know you aren't. It is not an easy task to stay strong when your source of strength has ran away from you. It is tiring to stay happy when regret fills your beaten emotions.

But I'll wait. I was given a chance to start over. I'll wait, no matter how hard things could possibly get.

I'll wait. But I guess I'm not strong enough to stay happy. I'm not strong enough to hide and carry the burden of what I said.

But I'll wait and continue fighting. I just really want to be happy or at least content again.

Tapikin mo Siya at Yakapin nang Mahigpit

Hindi ko na talaga alam kung anong nangyayari sa akin.

Lagi na lang akong nagkakaganito talaga. Nakakainis na nakalulungkot dahil hindi ko magawan ng paraan. Sasaya na ako, pero magkakaroon ako ng isang over-emotional sensitivity overload na pupuwersa sa akin para maging malungkot na naman. Masyado kasi akong naniniwala na maaari pang maibalik ang dati, ang dating maayos naman ang lahat, ang dating masaya kaming dalawa.

parang hindi na kasi maibabalik sa dati ang lahat
malay mo

Hindi ko na talaga alam. Napakatanga ko na marahil upang hindi maramdaman ang gusto kong maramdaman, samantalang ginagampanan naman niya ang kanyang nararapat na gawin, ayon sa isa kong kaibigang napalayo sa akin dahil na rin sa "problema" kong ito.

confidential un i trust you
oo nmn
gusto kong sabihin sayo kasi magiging unfair naman sayo
hindi ko lang sinabi agad dahil may problema ka
ah
salamat

Ewan ko na talaga. Hindi ko na alam. Nararamdaman ko na talaga na nagkakaroon na ako ng isa pang pagkatao, maliban sa tatlong pamamaraan ko ng pag-iisip. Ayon sa math, 2 pagkatao at 3 pamamaraan ng pag-iisip ay nangangahulugang 6 na posibleng pagsasama (2 x 3 = 6 kung hindi mo nakuha kung bakit). Ewan ko na talaga. Hindi ko alam. Hindi naman ako ganito, at baka nga nangangahulugang ngang hindi na maaaring maibalik ang dati. Isa ka kasing hangal. Tonto. Bulag ka pala, bulag.

naaapektuhan na ba kita?
medyo
sorry

masyado ba akong complicated?
mas complicated ka sa iba

Hay. Muntik ko pang ibagsak ang Dragon Blade kanina.

Nakakaiyak. Nakakaiyak. Hindi ko na talaga alam ang nangyayari sa sarili ko. Gusto ko nang tumalon patungo sa kawalan para maging malaya sa masakit na mundong aking ikinukumot sa aking sarili. Gusto kong lumipad at madama ang hangin sa aking mukha. Gusto kong humimpapawid at tumungo sa isang lugar kung saan masaya ang lahat. Katulad na marahil ako ng aking saranggola. Gustong nang maging malaya at maiangat ang sarili mula sa malungkot na lupa patungo sa yakap ng hangin na puno ng pag-asa, ngunit lagi na lamang may nangyayaring hindi kanais-nais kaya't laging nauudlot ang inaasam na tunay na ngiti sa labi.

Nakakaiyak. Isa akong taksil. Taksil sa iba, at taksil sa ibang taong mahal na mahal ko bilang mga kaibigan.

basta, ikaw ang best friend ko sa college
sorry
best friend mo pala ako pero ginaganito kita

Kaya naman nauuwi sa mga bagay na bumabaon sa iyong utak at dahan-dahang tumatarak sa iyong damdaming kababangon pa lamang mula sa isang masakit na pagkakarapa.

pede ba ulit akong maging kaibigan mo?
hindi ba kita kaibigan?
eh best friend?
pwede

gusto mo ba ulit akong maging best friend?
ikaw bahala
kahit ano ayos lang skin

Sawa na ako sa kaalatan ng aking mga luha.

Ngunit ako'y umaasa pa rin. Ayaw ko lamang ipakitang ako'y nananalig dahil hindi ko na kayang saktan ang aking sarili. Hindi ko na kayang yakapin ang aking sarili dahil na rin hindi ko na kilala ang aking sarili. Kasalanan kong lahat.

hindi mo kasalanan lahat rudolf
eh di kasalanan nino?
hindi ko alam, pero huwag mong isisi ang lahat sa iyo

Naduduwal ako dahil umiikot ang paningin ko. Hindi ko kasi alam kung umiikot ba ang mundo ko o kung ako lang iyon. Kailangan ko na talaga siguro ng antipara.

At hindi ko rin maipaliwanag nang mabuti sa aking sarili kung bakit ang isang tapik sa balikat ay mas matimbang pa sa dalawang oras ng patuloy na pakikipag-usap tungkol sa mga bagay-bagay.

Marahil, ito ang nabibigay sa akin ng lakas at tatag upang magpatuloy.

Pero baka ito rin ang dahilan ng pagkawala ng pagkabulag ko sa katotohanan. Hindi ko na alam. Siguro, nakikita ko na talaga ang katotohanan, ngunit binubulag ko ang aking sarili dahil ayaw ko nang masaktan.

Pero nauuwi rin ang lahat sa wala. Lahat ng mga paglaban ko, nawuuwi sa kawalan.

Kaligayahan, yakapin mo ako. Kung ako ma'y pinandidirihan mo, yakapin mo na lang siya nang mahigpit para sa akin.

Tapikin mo siya at yakapin nang mahigpit dahil hindi mo alam kung makikita mo pa siya bukas.

Two Words

NaniniWALA

BeLIEving

A Week of Solitude

After a week, nothing has happened.

I want to fix everything that I may have caused harm, but an external force is prohibiting me from doing so.

I don't know.

I tried. But I'm tired. As soon as I stood up, as soon as I took my first step towards happiness, something just hits me somewhere inside my chest that I fall again. After telling myself to just stay down, I give myself another chance and start rising up again...

...only to fall once more...

...and rise in the end...

... to fall again...

...and stand-up...

...only to fall in the end...

...and give myself another chance...

...over...

...and over...

...again.

I wonder.

Maybe I'm just too complicated. A screen emits whenever a potential source of sadness comes near.

I miss them.

But they don't miss me.

Why bother? Tell me, why bother? Why bother bringing the happy days of the past back to the present when things cannot be the same way as they were?

Things change. Things have changed. I have changed.

I know I have time. But the thing is, do they? Will they wait for me?

I'm guessing they won't. I regret to tell myself that they have left me, in some way or another. They have left me, but I understand. It just saddens me to realize I have waited for them if they needed time, while I am here, talking to myself amidst my dark, closed world.

I don't know. I don't want to know.

Dreams Abroad

I'm currently trying to divide my attention between listening to Felix and posting. I need to dump this out because I don't want to carry this thought all day long. Sorry Felix, I'll just do my best in the next long test for you.

I distinctly remember myself dreaming for me to go abroad in my junior year. I remember seeing the reflection of my eyes opening wide on the to the announcement board outside DISCS in the past. I remember imagining what my pictures would look like posted on that board. I remember myself imagining what would it be like to study abroad and live away from my family for a whole school semester. I was even choosing which country would I want to study for five months. I imagined what should I wear to fit in, if I would actually be able to fit into that very different way of living, what the people would be like, and if who would I be with when I study abroad.

Those were my dreams for the Junior Term Abroad the school was offering.

But there is something I cannot quite understand now.

Every time I pass by the same announcement board entitled "Junior Term Abroad" outside the DISCS department in the second floor of Faura Hall, I don't feel the same excitement as before. I cannot seem to grasp the concept of that program which made me want to go abroad and study there.

Everytime I pass by there, I see a reflection against the glass covering the happy faces of those happy students studying abroad. I see a vague reflection of a sad, empty person I am a stranger of.

Yesterday, Ma'am Jess gave us letters regarding JTA. I cannot comprehend why I did not take time to thoroughly read the single-paged memo. I distinctly remember that JTA was a dream of mine.

"Tatanungin ko si _______ kung papayag siyang sumama sakin. JTA kami sa Japan."

"Magdya-Japan kayo?"

It was then I realized something important.

It was then I realized that I have lost my dreams I have aspired for in the past. The dreams that made me face tomorrow with my head held high full of optimism and positivity has left me as well. Those dreams I gathered with all my might must have been blown away by the gentle wind that touched my face, along with all the memories I have placed closely beside my heart.

It was then I realized that the vague reflection I see every time I pass by the glass covering of the announcement board entitled "JTA" was myself. The glass protected the happy faces of those happy students abroad from my sadness.

It was then I realized that tears came running down on my cheeks.




Please carry my dreams towards the sky.

What dreams?




Makikinig na lang nga ako kay Felix.

EDIT: Okay, so nagkamali pala ako ng tanda. Wala palang glass casing yung board ng JTA. Napaghalo ko na siya dun sa announcement board ng DISCS. But...

A Fault Lies Between Us

I slept early last night. My eyes turned against me when I was about to play Warriors Orochi. But even though I slept for eight hours, when I woke up this morning, I did not feel refreshed at all. I was even quite tired. That tired, sleepless feeling is the most frustrating feeling, because there is no way out of your tired state but to remain tired until you get sleepy.

And I guess I am just tired.

Earlier this afternoon, I had my first individual consultation with Ate Hi-C. She asked me several questions — about my goals for NSTP, my hopes for my tutees, and if I am alright with my kids. She asked me what characteristic of mine has strengthened because of NSTP. I tried to answer her question the best way I could, but she got confused. Both of us actually got confused.

"So, kapag kasama mo ang kids mo, you feel happy, but at the same time nasasad ka?"

"Hindi siguro nasasad Ate Hi-C. Siguro more of na naiinggit ako sa kanila. Oo, masaya ako dahil nakikita ko naman silang masaya, pero naiinggit ako dahil sa kasiyahang iyon. Itinatanong ko sa sarili ko kung papaano sila nagiging masaya. They have so little compared to us, but the happiness they possess in their smiles are different from our happiness. Parang mas masaya pa sila kaysa sa atin. Kaysa sa akin."

After that, I redrew the design on my canvas shoes. After I was satisfied enough, I ate my lunch. All I can remember after eating was me staring at the ceiling fans. I remember thinking, to my surprise, about nothing as I watched the fans oscillate in their pathetic axes. Before I noticed what I was doing, it was time for CS122.

BS Computer Science Specialization in Interactive Multimedia. Finally, I now have a reason to stay in my course besides my scholarship and the air-conditioned rooms.

I almost lost my lunch on my way home. I am not used in standing in an ordinary bus.

"Bakit ang dami mo na namang pimple! Meron na nung sabon mo dun, yun na ang gamitin mo!" Ate is clueless about the problems that are slowly withering my soul desperately clinging on because it needs to. I am holding on to everything all that I have remaining because I need to be strong for the ones who actually care for me, in their own apathetic way or another.

I am sorry. It is my fault that I feel this way. It is my fault that a crack has emerged in our friendship. If I knew I would only fall back on the hard, cold concrete, I wouldn't have relied on you to catch me. But you can still count on me to catch you when you fall. What are friends for? Well, that is assuming I am still your friend, because you are still my friend. I will understand if you decide not to talk to me anymore, text me, poke me as you usually do, ask if I'll eat in Jollibee or somewhere else, or even if you decide not to fly the kite with me anymore. It is my fault. And because of that, our friendship won't be the same as when the time I told myself you are one of my best friends.

I am sincerely sorry that now, a fault lies between us. Please just accept my apology, even if you don't mean it.

But honestly, I will still feel sad even if you do accept my apology. I have been shattered for too long that the fragments have been scattered by the gentle breeze that touched my face. The shards of the memories that I have sincerely treasured and placed beside my heart have escaped beyond the horizon that I always ignored before because I was with one of my best friends.

Now I know the reason why I feel envious to my kids. Now I know why.

They are not incomplete.


I have to say that I generalized my problem too much. Blockmates, if my post bothered you, I am sorry. It's my fault. You guys didn't do anything wrong for me to be depressed for over a month now. Promise, and thanks. It means a lot to me. Love ko pa rin kayo miski hindi ko naipapakita.