Pressure ~ Feelings

It is one of those blog posts wherein I feel pressured to write something because I feel that I am starting to neglect my blog again. It's not that. I've been really busy during the past few days. Rage almost consumed me when Fr. Arcilla moved our long test from the following week to the following Thursday. My plans for the week was instantly destroyed as I silently sat on my armchair, restraining my fury and nursing my malevolent intentions. My plan was to study during the weekend and take a little time off during the rest of the days. But, Fr. Arcilla's "unplanned" trip to Mexico made me push my mind and body to its extreme limits. I felt I was at the verge of a mental implosion coupled with an instantaneous shutdown of my bodily functions. For two or three nights in a row, I found myself sleeping even past the witching hours. I woke up to cloudy mornings with an unfamiliar emptiness and lightness in my head.

Oh well. I can say bye-bye to that long test. Apparently, I was so worked up that I messed up the facts that were essential in answering the question. I coined the ship "Bertha" as "Brusa", and I may bewilder historians as I said that there was an embassy in New York during the times of the La Gloriosa and the Cavite Mutiny.

Anyway, I was appointed as the project head of GA3 this year. I'm a little worried that I can't do it, but I'm also excited about it even right now. I also joined a committee on Loopback, an event with the alumni of CompSAt.

Some things are just happening, and I cannot do anything about it. Happy things are happening, but I cannot fully embrace its warm feeling since I am in the midst of the embrace of sadness. Two of my greatest blockmates will be leaving for France in three days. I don't know how my best friend feels about what he's going through, but that's okay I guess. We made an agreement that we won't pressure each other to tell about our own problems. The feelings I have for a friend of mine are still inside my heart, although these feelings aren't as painful as before.

Life.

The ACET will be held next Saturday and Sunday. I'm looking forward to it since I will be proctoring for the two whole days of it, and I will be earning my very first salary. Somehow and in some way, all these responsibilities that I have taken up or have been imposed on me makes me feel all grown-up. Well, I'm already 20, but I still find myself isip-bata.

---

I'll miss you two.
Don't stay sad too long.
Thanks for recognizing me when I passed by. You made my day.

Take Care, Mika

Tutungo na sa San Francisco, California si Mika sa Lunes. Nagparticipate kasi siya sa Junior Term Abroad Program ng Department of Information Systems and Computer Science. At kanina (kagabi to be more correct), despedida niya.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ba talaga dapat ang dapat kong maramdaman. Nag-aalala ako para kay Mika, miski na alam ko na isa siyang matatag na tao. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, siguro nag-aalala lang ako para sa kanya bilang isang kaibigan at isang blockmate.

I just particularly hate goodbyes, miski na panandalian lang ang kanyang pag-alis. Mga apat na buwan siya mananatili sa kanyang JTA school sa San Francisco. Natatakot daw si Mika na baka pagbalik niya galing sa States, hindi na niya raw makilala ang Block N. Baka raw after four or so months na wala siya, mag-iba na nang tuluyan ang Block N o 'di naman kaya'y magkawatak-watak na talaga.

Pero Mika, sa totoo lang, medyo hindi ko na nararamdaman ang "Block N" ngayon pa lamang.

Ingat ka Mika. Hanggang sa muli. Mahal ka namin ng Block N.

Maelstrom

mael - strom [mehl-strhu m]

-noun

1. a large, powerful, or violent whirlpool.
2. a restless, disordered, tumultuous state of affairs: the maelstrom of early morning traffic.
3. (initial capital letter) a famous hazardous whirlpool off the NW coast of Norway.

---

Maagang natapos ang aking klase kahapon. Maligaya akong sumakay pauwi dahil wala kaming Hi165 sa Huwebes dahil may pupuntahang talk si Fr. Arcilla. Sinabi ko sa sarili ko na unti-unti ko nang nagugustuhang muli ang pumasok sa may Katipunan dahil na rin hindi ko na masyadong nararamdaman ang tawag ng katamaran. Nagigising na rin ako ng kusa tuwing umaga -- ako pa nga mismo ang gumigising sa selepono kong antukin. Nalabanan ko rin kasi ang laban ng aking katawang hindi pumasok dahil bangag na bangag pa ang aking sistema sa pagpupuyat. Mahaba ang naging bakasyon ko: walang pasok noong nakaraang Biyernes dahil Teacher's Day sa Ateneo, at isinuspindi ang klase sa lahat ng antas ng paaralan sa kalakhang Maynila noong Lunes.

Noong Linggo, inaantabayanan namin ni Ate ang balita ukol sa suspensyon ng mga klase. Hindi maganda ang lagay ng panahon. Malakas ang hanging rumaragasa sa mga lansangan. Hindi tumigil ang kalampagan sa bubong ng mga bunga ng puno ng abukado sa aming likuran. Hindi rin nanahimik ang malakas na bagwis buong araw. Magdamag binulabog ng huning nagiging nakakikilabot na sipol ang katahimikang hinahanap ng isang taong nais nang matulog. Matapos ang ilang sandali, lumabas na ang balitang walang pasok kinabukasan. Sa kaligayahang dala ng mga sandaling iyon, naglulundag ako dahil natupad ang aking inaasam. Sa katunayan, hinatak ko pa si Ate upang makilundag ayon sa aking kagalakan.

At sa ilang sandali, may humapyaw sa aking isipan: paano naman ang mga taong sinasalanta ng bagyong ito?

Ngunit patuloy pa rin ang aming kasiyahang tatalunin ang kahit na anong piging. Nagpalundag-lundag kami ni Ate miski na maraming nawalan ng mga tahanan, hanapbuhay, at pati na rin mga minamahal sa nagdaan na ilang araw.

Pagsapit ng Martes, sumikat na rin sa wakas ang araw. Muli ko na namang nadama ang init ng kanyang haplos matapos ang ilang araw ng maulap na kalangitan. Sa Ateneo, mistulang walang naganap na kahit na ano sa mga nakalipas na araw. Patuloy ang takbo ng mga klase, patuloy ang paglalakad at pagmamadali ng mga estudyanteng huli na sa kanilang klase, at patuloy ang nakaririnding huni ng bell tuwing lilipas ang isa't kalahating oras. Walang nabago sa Ateneo: naroon pa rin ang lahat ng mga gusali, nanatiling matatag ang lahat ng mga punong mas matanda pa sa pinakamatandang taong kilala ko, nanatiling luntian ang Erunchun Field, at nanatiling nakatayo ang lahat ng poste ng ilaw sa may Parade Loop.

Tila walang nangyari sa Ateneo. Hindi, walang nangyari sa Ateneo, ang mundong aking ginagalawan araw-araw.

Ngunit bakit tila iba ang ipinapakita sa balita?

Umuwi ako sa ilalim ng katirikan ng araw. Pagod na pagod at basa ng pawis, pinara ko ang dyip patungong San Mateo at sinimulan ang aking lakad pauwi. Tila wala rin namang naiba sa Filinvest Access Road. Naroon pa rin ang mga makukulit na mga batang naglalaro sa tabi ng kalsada. Naroon pa rin ang mga lalaking walang suot na damit na pagala-gala kung saan saan. Nanatiling nakaparada ang mga sasakyang hindi ko alam kung ginagamit pa o hindi na. Nanatiling nakatayo ang mga bahay, tindahan, parlor, panaderya, bigasan, at mga water refilling station. Tila wala talagang naiba matapos ang apat na araw.

Matapos kong itulog ang puyat na nagpabigat sa aking mga matang pagod, binuksan ko ang aming computer upang mag-aral sa pagsusulit namin sa CS123. Matapos kong idikdik sa aking utak ang System Development Life Cycle at ang mga kaukulang functions at mga bahagi nito, sinilip ko ang blog ni Kuya Joms, at doon tumambad sa aking mga mata ang kanyang blog entry noong araw na iyon.

Hindi ko mapaniwalaan ang aking sarili na nagawa ko pang magtatatalon miski na sa isang dako ng Pilipinas, may pitongdaang nangagailangan ng saklolo at nagmamakaawang sagipin sila mula sa mga pangil ng kamatayan. Nagawa ko pang maging masaya miski na may pitongdaang pamilya ang kasalukuyang nagluluksa dahil nawawala pa ang kanilang mga mahal sa buhay. Tumindig ang lahat ng balahibo ko sa bawat salita ng post na ni Kuya Joms.

Pagod lang yata kasi ako. Kung anu-ano tuloy ang aking naiisip.

At sa kung anong dahilan, binasa ko rin ang blog entry ni Matt sa kanyang Multiply. Tungkol ito sa paghuhugas ng kanilang mga pinagkainan. Yun ang akala ko.

Hindi ko mapaniwalaan ang aking sarili na nagawa ko pang magtatatalon habang ang Block N, ang aking kinagisnang pamilya sa loob ng Ateneo, ay unti-unti nang nagkakawatak-watak. Ang Block N na kasama ko sa halos lahat ng maliligayang panahon ko sa Loyola Schools ay tila kumukupas na sa bawat pagpintig ng aking mga ugat. Lahat ng mga maliligayang sandali na kasama ko sila, tila yata hanggang doon na lamang. Hindi na yata madadagdagan pa ang mga hiyas ng ngiti at galak sa loob ng aking puso at isipan. Hindi ko mapaniwalaang nagawa ko pa rin maging masaya miski na unti-unti nang namamatay ang mga pagkakaibigang pinagkaingat-ingatan ko ng buong buhay ko. Bigla ko na lang naramdaman ang isang luhang gumugulong sa aking kanang pisngi.

Oo, pagod lang yata kasi ako.

At dala ng pagod na ito, mabilis akong nakatulog. Paglapat na paglapat ng aking pagod na likuran sa aking kama, tila nawalan na ako ng malay-tao. Sinabi ko pa naman sa aking sarili na baka hindi ako makatulog agad sa mga bagay na bumabagabag sa akin noong mga sandaling iyon, ngunit nagkamali pala ako sa aking akala.

Ngunit sana, hindi na lang pala ako natulog.

Sa isang lumulubog na barkong ako ang kapitan ko nakita ang nakasisindak na pagkamatay nila, silang mga taong itinuri kong matatalik kong kaibigan. Tagos na tagos sa marurupok kong buto ang kanilang mga tili, pag-iyak, at paghihirap habang unti-unti silang nilalamon ng itim na karagatan. Pilit ko silang inaabot gamit ang aking mga brasong hinang-hina na, ngunit laging may isang bulusok ng tubig na papasok sa aking bibig at susunugin ang lalamunan ko sa tindi ng alat nito. Laging may sasampal sa aking malaking alon, bubulagin ang aking pagud na pagod na mga mata, at ipatitikim sa akin ang lasa ng kamatayan ng aking mga kaibigan.

Nagising ako ng mga bandang alas-tres at kalahati ng madaling araw. Nagising akong basang-basa sa pawis at lumuluha. Ginising ako ng isang bangungot na sana'y manatiling bangungot na lamang.

Paulit-ulit pa rin ang mga pangyayaring ito sa aking isipan. Hindi ko maalis sa aking isipan ang panaginip na ginising ako sa katotohanan.

Ngayon, tinatanong ko sa aking sarili kung tama bang nagising ako, o kung sana'y nalunod na lang din ako kasama nila.


Nagpapaumanhin ako sa mga naglathala ng mga akda sa paglink ng kanilang gawa nang walang kaukulang pagpapaalam.

The Wind Encloses Me in Its Endearing Embrace (Beginnings and Endings Under a Starless Sky: Second Stasis)

"Time flies so fast, but it stagnates in the most difficult periods of life."

---

Last Thursday, Block N had some sort of a final (hopefully not yet) get together for the year. Some of us would be parted from the block for an entire year, since they would be with their JTA Blocks. The day started nicely, but it ended in me pouring my whole soul out in tears in front of Ding. So much for a happy get together for me, I guess.

Nelvin, along with Meki, Raisa, Ding, EJ, Raf, and Thomas picked me up at home. I wanted Nelvin to drop by because I didn't want to bring around the documents (specifically the blank check) he would be giving me since I would be the one proxying him for summer reg. After that, we went to Katipunan to pick up Mika, and after which we went to Sta. Lucia to bowl, where Gillian, Jam, and Yanyan were supposed to meet with us.

All of us were hungry. So we decided (no, actually someone did) to take a quick snack in Wendy's. But when we arrived there, I was not able to decide right away what I would eat. I was having an internal conflict since I am kuripot and did not know what to eat at the same time. As I stood there in front of the counter thinking of what to eat, people came flooding in. The line grew longer and longer, and I went outside and watched the fountains since I was still unable to resolve the kakuriputan that was going on inside of me. But when I started gazing downwards on the fountains, my brain instantly got filled with memories of the past. My consciousness started to wane as I delved deeper and deeper into those memories, until Meki approached me and snapped me out of the trance I was engaging myself with.

I ordered a large Burger Bacon Mushroom Melt combo, but to tell the truth, I was completely disappointed. That Burger Bacon Mushroom Melt wasn't the one I know years back. The buns were just regular ones, and the size shrank as if it underwent some kind of weight loss plan. It wasn't the same obese burger with soft buns encased in a styrofoam container. Well, at least menially it satisfied my hunger, enough for me not to feel the uncomfortable lurching of my stomach, imploring me to eat so it could digest something. After we ate, we went to the bowling lanes where we waited for a little while before Gillian, Jam, and Yanyan arrived.

It was my first time to play bowling. I always threw the heavy 12-pound bowling ball I was using to the gutter. Raf told me to make the ball my center of gravity at the moment I was about to release the ball to the lane. Ding told me to straighten my arm as I release the ball and not to point to the gutter. Well, no wonder I was always throwing fences. After those tips, I felt the rhythm somehow and started to bowl better. I scored a 97 with two consecutive strikes (well, only one was within my frame since Mika gave up).

It was fun to see everyone play. We would cheer whenever someone would get a strike or score a spare, and we would "sayang!" if the ball came so close to the last pin standing. It was also fun to see Gillian's super reverse spin technique, Nelvin's kneeling ball release (termed as St. Ignatius by Meki I think), Meki's freezing stance when she throws the ball, the professional approaches and releases of Raf, Ding, and Raisa, Mika's efforts to score successfully, and Jam's and Yan's laughs whenever they topple a pin down. We had a very nice time. Every one of us were just smiling and smiling since all of us were enjoying each and every moment that all of us were together.

We picked up Kara at Mini Stop before we went to EJ's place.

When we got there, Nelvin told all of us to go upstairs already since the ramps of the parking building were steep. But I stayed along since parking on the 7th floor isn't fun especially when the levels before that were virtually empty of cars. When Nelvin turned off the engine of his Adventure, I asked him if he could carry my bag to where the others was since I wanted to go somewhere else first. He agreed, and I accompanied him to the elevator.

I went to the rooftop. It was where I felt the wind envelop me in its chilly embrace. The wind rekindled memories that were deeply rooted in my heart. I was soon blurry-eyed with tears making my vision hazy, but the images that were filling my head were as clear as the moment they happened. I desperately questioned myself over and over and over again why everything has to happen, and why everything that I valued the most had to be that way. I sat by the ledge and raised my arms to embrace the wind as well, but all that remained were empty hopes which I continued to believe in because there was nothing else left but memories.

And then, a tear escaped my desperate attempt to remain strong.

At around 7pm, we ate dinner. It was weird that there were moments wherein no one was talking. Only the noise of spoons and forks, the monotonous hums of the electric fans, the splashes from the pool, and the occasional voices of people nearby were heard. After eating, others played Uno Stacko, while Yanyan beat me to a pulp in Tekken 5 (1-11, and his controller had a defect). Raf and the others played Guitar Hero afterwards, and I unconsciously asked Ding to leave and have a talk. I really did not know why I did that since I wanted to play Guitar Hero as well.

I told her that things looked as if they would never be alright again. She told me it looked that way, since she can look at it from both sides. It was just then that I told her that life is very, very, very unfair.

"Napakaunfair naman kasi ng buhay eh. I tried so hard to fight everything, pero parang walang nangyayari. Sinasabi nilang hindi ko raw iniintindi ang feelings ng iba, eh yun nga ang lagi kong ginagawa for over three months now. Nung time na nagpakita ako ng weakness kasi hindi ko na talaga kaya kasi hirap na hirap na talaga ako, yun pa ang nakita nila. Hindi ko naman ginustong mangyari ito... Gusto ko lang talagang maging katulad ng dati..."

And it was about that time when Ding dawned on me that they weren't sure if I'm still a friend to them or not. I cannot put into words what pain it dealt to me. All along, they are still my best friends, no matter what happened. I had been fighting to stay alive and be happy for them. It turns out I was fighting and struggling for nothing. I perpetually asked myself if that was the end of two friendships which have kept me strong and happy through the most difficult times.

Is it true that everything will end now?

Ding patiently comforted me. She kept reassuring me that she and the others would always be there when I needed them. I know, I know they would be there for me. I know that. I always knew that. Thank you for that.


"Ang baso bang butas, gagamitin mo?"
"Hindi."
"Hindi, unless lalagyan ng tape."

"Ang baso bang butas na tinakpan, gagamitin mo ba miski na meron namang basong hindi butas?"
"Hindi."
"Hindi, unless special yung baso na yun..."

I climbed once more to the rooftop. I literally covered my eyes to stop my tears from falling. Once I got there, I immediately looked at the sky.

It still remained starless like before.

I climbed the cold, steel railings and stood there. I slowly lifted my arms and tried to embrace the wind once more. The wind blew stronger and stronger, making me fall backward into the cold concrete floor. As I lied there, the wind gently enveloped me once again in its endearing embrace. It rekindled all the memories that were deeply rooted in my heart, but it took away all the happiness that was remaining inside of me. Blown by the wind, the hope of a better tomorrow slowly vanished into the distant horizon, but I remained there, stranded under a starless sky, embracing memories that mean everything to me.

I Will Wait

Diniscuss ko ito kanina with someone. Someone na lang para hindi na maging magulo.

Sinabi kong iintindihin ko ang mga desisyon ng mga tao tungkol sa mga bagay-bagay. Mahirap ito, pero ngayon, namulat na ang aking mga mata na kailangan ko na namang magtiis kung gusto kong maging maayos na ulit ang lahat.

Sinabi ko sa kaniya na I feel so trapped dahil ayaw ko silang mawala at gusto ko na ring sumaya. Natatakot kasi ako na kung I will take my time and they will have their space, baka wala na akong babalikang friendship in the future. Parang I was given another chance to start over, but I'm so afraid that that time may never come because we already became too distant with each other.

I feel so trapped talaga.

Tinanong niya sa akin kung ano ba raw ang kailangan ko para I would feel better.

"Sila."

Pero hindi eh. They have to have their space. I need to respect that decision of his. Of theirs.

Lagi ko na lang kasing naiisip kung papaano parang nabale-wala ang lahat ng pinagsamahan namin sa loob ng higit sa isang taon at kalahati. Ang dami naming pinagdaanang pagsubok. At kung tutuusin, nakaya at kinaya ko ang lahat ng iyon dahil kasama ko sila.

Eh papaano ngayon?

I'm just really sad, but I'm trying my best not to be sad. Hindi ko na talaga alam if what I did was the right thing to do. It is painful to see them at a distance with all the good memories of our friendship which I always embrace and place beside my heart. Hindi na tulad ng dati na I'm with them as I continue to add memories that I will cherish and place inside my heart.

Garde, salamat sa iyong stat sa YM:

Silently we wander into this void of consequence

Hindi "we". I.

I will just need to have faith again and wait for the better tomorrow I was given the chance to wake up to. Besides, they are my friends.

They are my best friends. Hindi "were", but "are".

I will wait. I will wait.

Contentment

Kalokohan iyang transport strike na iyan. Hindi ko magets ang point kung bakit nila pineperwisyo ang mga nagkocommute. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit sila biglang mawawala sa daan, eh hindi naman siguro nagkocommute ang namamahala ng presyo ng krudo. Hindi ba? Salamat ha, wala kayo kanina. Hindi trapik. Walang sagabal at mga barumbadong driver ng jeep na ibaba ka sa susunod na kanto sa susunod na kilometro. Salamat ha, nakapag-exercise pa ako dahil nilakad ko mula Bahay ng Alumni hanggang UPIS dahil wala kayong mga driver na kayo. Salamat talaga, please accept my sincerest and most heart-felt gratitude.

Madali akong napapagod ngayon mga nakalipas na araw. Sabi ko nga sa ate ko, I feel lethargic once again. Siguro mataas ang sugar ng dugo ko o 'di naman kaya'y masyadong nagpoproduce ng bile ang aking liver. Ewan ko, ang labo naman kasi eh. Gusto kong lagi na lang akong tulog. Hindi lang dahil lagi akong pagod, pero dahil hindi ka nag-iisip habang tulog ka.

At least naman, medyo nakakausad na ang aming play sa Hi16. Sa susunod na Martes na kasi iyon eh. At least naman no. At dahil nagpractice kami kanina mula alas-3 ng hapon hanggang mga halos alas-7 ng gabi, napagod ako. Hindi naman ako mabilis mapagod, pero napagod talaga ako kanina. Hindi ko na alam, hindi ko na alam. Hindi naman ako puyat. Well, I think hindi naman ako puyat.

At kanina lang, tinext ako ni Jay Ann na pumanaw na raw ang kanyang nanay. Tinext ko siya kung ayos lang ba siya, at oo naman daw, ayos lang siya. Sorry talaga Jay Ann, hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat kong sabihin para kahit papaano, mabawasan ang lungkot na bumabalot sa iyong puso ngayon.

I'm such a failure.

Dahil nga grateful ako sa mga driver ng jeep, sumabay na lang ako kay Ding pauwi. Right after natapos kasi ang aming history practice, tinamaan na ako ng "pagod." Sinabi ko kay Ding how tired I was nung pauwi na kami.

"Grabe, napagod talaga ako. Ang bilis kong mapagod these days."
"Baka naman puyat ka."
"Hindi ah, pagdating ko nga sa bahay, natutulog na ako agad. Para na nga akong batugan eh."
"Baka naman marami ka lang iniisip.."

Pero may theory ako dito. Sinabi ko kay Ding na ang dami kong ayaw isipin kaya napapagod ako agad. Nagets naman yata ni Ding kung ano yung ibig kong sabihin. Pero yun nga, ang dami ko nga talagang iniisip.

Hay. And I thought everything will be alright.

But nag-usap ang dalawa kong best friends (or naging best friend, or whatever) tungkol sa Block N, kung papaano ito nagigng isang jigsaw puzzle. Sabi nila, dati raw, every piece of the puzzle fit perfectly. Pero ngayon daw, the pieces doesn't seem to fit perfectly anymore.

i'm trying my best
i just want everyone to be happy again
cguru iba na ang happiness kesa sa dati rudolf

I'm just too sensitive na talaga. Or maybe stupid to not see they are happy?

I want to give up. Pero hindi ko magawa. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, but giving up is something I am really incapable of.

I want to feel content. I'd rather be very sad but content rather than bluffing up an empty happiness.

A Fault Lies Between Us

I slept early last night. My eyes turned against me when I was about to play Warriors Orochi. But even though I slept for eight hours, when I woke up this morning, I did not feel refreshed at all. I was even quite tired. That tired, sleepless feeling is the most frustrating feeling, because there is no way out of your tired state but to remain tired until you get sleepy.

And I guess I am just tired.

Earlier this afternoon, I had my first individual consultation with Ate Hi-C. She asked me several questions — about my goals for NSTP, my hopes for my tutees, and if I am alright with my kids. She asked me what characteristic of mine has strengthened because of NSTP. I tried to answer her question the best way I could, but she got confused. Both of us actually got confused.

"So, kapag kasama mo ang kids mo, you feel happy, but at the same time nasasad ka?"

"Hindi siguro nasasad Ate Hi-C. Siguro more of na naiinggit ako sa kanila. Oo, masaya ako dahil nakikita ko naman silang masaya, pero naiinggit ako dahil sa kasiyahang iyon. Itinatanong ko sa sarili ko kung papaano sila nagiging masaya. They have so little compared to us, but the happiness they possess in their smiles are different from our happiness. Parang mas masaya pa sila kaysa sa atin. Kaysa sa akin."

After that, I redrew the design on my canvas shoes. After I was satisfied enough, I ate my lunch. All I can remember after eating was me staring at the ceiling fans. I remember thinking, to my surprise, about nothing as I watched the fans oscillate in their pathetic axes. Before I noticed what I was doing, it was time for CS122.

BS Computer Science Specialization in Interactive Multimedia. Finally, I now have a reason to stay in my course besides my scholarship and the air-conditioned rooms.

I almost lost my lunch on my way home. I am not used in standing in an ordinary bus.

"Bakit ang dami mo na namang pimple! Meron na nung sabon mo dun, yun na ang gamitin mo!" Ate is clueless about the problems that are slowly withering my soul desperately clinging on because it needs to. I am holding on to everything all that I have remaining because I need to be strong for the ones who actually care for me, in their own apathetic way or another.

I am sorry. It is my fault that I feel this way. It is my fault that a crack has emerged in our friendship. If I knew I would only fall back on the hard, cold concrete, I wouldn't have relied on you to catch me. But you can still count on me to catch you when you fall. What are friends for? Well, that is assuming I am still your friend, because you are still my friend. I will understand if you decide not to talk to me anymore, text me, poke me as you usually do, ask if I'll eat in Jollibee or somewhere else, or even if you decide not to fly the kite with me anymore. It is my fault. And because of that, our friendship won't be the same as when the time I told myself you are one of my best friends.

I am sincerely sorry that now, a fault lies between us. Please just accept my apology, even if you don't mean it.

But honestly, I will still feel sad even if you do accept my apology. I have been shattered for too long that the fragments have been scattered by the gentle breeze that touched my face. The shards of the memories that I have sincerely treasured and placed beside my heart have escaped beyond the horizon that I always ignored before because I was with one of my best friends.

Now I know the reason why I feel envious to my kids. Now I know why.

They are not incomplete.


I have to say that I generalized my problem too much. Blockmates, if my post bothered you, I am sorry. It's my fault. You guys didn't do anything wrong for me to be depressed for over a month now. Promise, and thanks. It means a lot to me. Love ko pa rin kayo miski hindi ko naipapakita.

Imcomplete?

Mabighami ako sa post mi Melody Kay. Basahim mo amg post miya dito.

Mabasa ko amg post ma iyam sa ikalawamg math period mamim. Pero makimig mamam ako kay Felix. Makimig ako pagkatapos komg maglaro mg Dragom Quest. Imulit lamg mamam miya kasi yumg timuro miya mumg umamg period eh. Tumgkol ulit kay paremg Djikstra.

Walamg mamgyari kamimamg lab time. Himdi pa kasi kami makakapili mg amimg gagawimg project dahil lagimg himdi kami kumpleto o kumg kumpleto mamam, walamg mamgyayari. Hay. Sabi mi Mr. Calasamz, mag-attemd ma lamg daw lahat mg members mg grupo mamim sa Biyermes para mapako ma kumg amo amg amimg gagawim. Sayamg daw kasi amg oras, at himdi ko ipimagkaila amg bagay ma iyam. Makakalumgkot makita amg ibamg grupo ma may mga plamo ma at makausap ma si Mr. Calasamz, habamg kami ay wala pamg gimagawamg seryosomg pag-iisip kumg amo amg gusto mamimg gawim. Maglaro lamg kami mg x-rated tetris mi Amboy kamima. Merom palamg itimatagomg mga juicy, juicier, at juiciest secrets amg kamyamg flash drive. Myaha.

Kumaim ma lamg ako sa Jollibee, kumg saam daw bida amg saya. Umorder ako mg Crispy Chickem Steak ma solo lamg kay Ate Rose (close dim daw kami eh myaha). Kamima ko lamg makita kumg gaamo kamipis talaga yumg chickem sa Crispy Chickem Steak ma iyom matapos komg kaimim yum mg higit ma sa dalawampumg beses. Mgayom lamg kasi ako magimg overly semsitive sa mga bagay-bagay. Well, semsitive ako, pero himdi semsitive emough para mapamsim amg mipis mg chickem ma iyom. Mapaisip pa mga ako kumg chickem mga ba talaga iyom dahil lasamg chickem lomggamisamg gawa mamam talaga sa baka. Amg labo.

Dumaam ako sa Gateway para maglaro mg Percussiom Freaks 5th Mix at DrumMamia 10th Mix. Libre yumg PF dahil gold ma amg akimg card, at maglaro ako mg tatlomg beses dum sa DM. Ewam ko, I just felt like playimg amd playimg.

Kakauwi ko lamg mgayom. Maglalaro kasi ako mg Warriors Orochi mamaya kaya mgayom ma ako magpopost. Makakaimis kasi si Da Ji eh. Matatalo ko ma siya dapat kagabi, kaso gumawa siya mg super chiater move kaya madedz si Zhao Yum. Kaasar yumg mga gamomg pamgyayari mo. Hulimg kalabam ma, saka ka pa mamamatay. Sayamg yumg ability mi Yue Yimg ma makuha ko sama kumg himdi lamg magimg chiatress (babaimg chiater) yamg si Da Ji.

Hay.

Malulumgkot ako dahil malumgkot ako. Himdi ko ma talaga alam kumg bakit. O kaya mamam ayaw ko lamg tamggapim amg mga rasom dahil mamimiwala pa rim ako sa mga taomg pimagkatiwalaam ko. Malamamg frustrated ako sa mga pamgyayari recemtly. Amg dami ko kasimg regrets. Amg dami komg magimg kasalamam sa akimg sarili.

Amg daya mo talaga buhay. Bakit ba lagi mo akomg bimibigyam mg mga problemamg himdi ko alam kumg papaamo maayos? Alim yam sa dalawamg drama mo, yumg "mamimiwala ako sa kakayaham mo" o yumg "Walamg problemamg himdi mo kayamg malutas"? O baka mamam gusto mo lamg imudmod sa pagmumukha ko ma tamga ako?

Kasi mamam. Wala bamg clue?

Hmph. Buti pa si Djikstra, simasapiam si Felix para ituro sa amim amg kamyamg algorithm.

Twaintu! version 2.234 [revisited]

I MISS TWAINTU! T_T

From the November 2006 Archive of Block N: When the Jailmates Escape



The usual routine of the nmates every end of Fil12 was cards. But as usual, the geeky minds of the nmates found these old games boring and decided to make a new, fresh, exciting, and best of all, a card game that defied all aspects of geekiness: BAROK. Then there was the monumental task of naming their best creation to date.

"Sir mam haa-dog saanweech! Twaintu onlee!"
[optional lightbulb effect here]

Thus, twaintu was born.

[If you are an idiot and is clueless about this game, please continue reading.]
[If you are knowledgeable of twaintu and have plans to read on, consider psychiatric help please. You may also try diving sa sahig for exotic treatment.]


PLAYING TWAINTU:

- 2 decks of cards are needed for ultimate fun! Bitin ang single deck eh.
- Each player starts with a hand of 5 - 7 cards, except the eentersef (intercept), who starts with an extra card. The eentersef starts the game.
- The cards that are left-over becomes the draw pile
- The more players, the merrier!



RULES of TWAINTU:

--Bayseecs (Basics)--

1. Like the object of any card game, the ass who finishes his/her hand first wins. He/she would be named the grap of twaintu.

2. You can only drop a card from your hand which is of the same suit or of the same number/value as the previous drop (exceptions later).

3. If you are unable to make any move, you draw from the stack pile until a move becomes available. You can only do a fyuken (pass) if the draw pile is already empty. If it is so, the game has a leemeet.

4. You lose if at some point, your total number of cards in your hand counts in at twai.. uh I mean twenty-two.

5. If you have a single card remaining in your hand, you must immediately shout chorva! Failure to comply gives a chance for other players to see your chorvaness (the state of having a single card left). If someone shouts chorva before you do, too bad slowpoke, you draw 4 cards. In the event that the draw pile is already empty, well, each player gives the chorvant (the one captured in his/her chorvaness) a card of his/her choosing. HOW BRUTAL! But be informed that a player cannot win because of the chorvanthood (state of the chorvant being caught in his/her chorvaness) of the chorvant. The chorvites (players other than the chorvant) cannot become chorvants in their chorvanesses.

6. If the game comes to a thomas time (how much time, all players pass), it's time to count the values of the cards. Special powers count as 0.

7. The last person to discard all cards or the person with the highest total card value at the end is the loser, or more appropriately termed as the assimtowt.



--Starting the goddam game--
Sadly, there is no switch for on.

1. The top of the stack pile is revealed.

2. The eentersef is the first one who plays.



--Isfeyshal Fowersh (Special Powers)--
Sometimes, fate smiles at you and grants you a special power. Call yourself a chi-a-ter if you have a LOT. These cards still follow the same suit or number/value rule, except the Jack.

You can earn a special power if you play exactly the same card as the last drop. This is an instance of the powah churem (power theorem). Get the last special power that was played in the discard pile. Be careful upon using the powah churem because not all circumstances when applying this rule is advantageous.

ACE: The EVIL card. Select the player who would be deesc (disconnected, lose a turn) . You cannot deesc the same player consecutively.

JACK: Wildcard! Select the suit the next person would play.

QUEEN: Select the person who plays next.

KING: Makes all players except the person who played this terrific thing draw a card. Pretty senseless if the game has a leemeet or if there are not enough cards for every player to draw.



There, are you ready to play twaintu?
Enjoy! Don't forget to chorva!

CHORVA!

lol, LOL

Kanina, first day ng pasok para sa taong 2008. Kasi nga, 2007+1=2008 diba? O nakalimutan mo na yun? Okay. Either mas makakalimutin ka lang sa akin or hindi ka marunong mag-add. Even worse, hindi ka nagbabasa ng mga post ko sa blog kong over 2000 hits na pala dahil sa kakaedit ko ng aking mga posts dahil sinusumpong ng OCness. WAHA.

Absent yung seatmate ko kaninang Sci10. Ang tumabi tuloy sa akin ay si Perry, yung assistant ni Mrs. Perez. Ayaw ko sa kanya kasi siya yung nagtsecheck ng attendance. By the way, lumago ang bigote niya. Kaya pala he looked a little different earlier. So ayun, masama daw yung modified true or false nung long test namin (seriously, ang dami kong "both are true" kasi hindi ako nakaaral ng mabuti dahil wala akong Romancing Science [yung book na parang bastos ang topic] dahil ayaw kong bumili) kaya napilitan siyang ibaba ang HPS to 90. Yay. Sana naman at least maka-C+ ako dahil ayaw kong magfinals. Natawa lang kaming lahat dun sa nakalagay sa slide ni ma'am: "About 10 Filipinos have no access to water at all." Humirit pa si ma'am na "Ah you should be grateful that you aren't included in the 10!" Lol. Literal na lol talaga.

Pinagtawanan namin ni Amboy yung mga naglalaro ng volleyball after that. Nakakatuwa kasi yung mga nagseserve eh. "Ang galing o, may paa pa!" Sira ulo yang si Amboy. Evul. Napatawa talaga ako nun. Another lol for me. Medyo excited ako dahil namiss ko talaga ang fencing, at lalo pa akong naexcite nung malaman kong party games ang gagawin nina Amboy at Nemi sa PE nilang Recreational Activities. Napalol ulit ako nung narinig kong sila ay titipar.

May bagong tinurong parry si Coach Walter. He properly named the Parry 4 that we know as "Lateral Parry 4" as well as the Parry 6 we think we know as "Lateral Parry 6" Meron din palang Circular Parry 4 at Circular Parry 6 (hindi ko masyadong maalala, pero nakikinig ako kanina promise) na gagawin mo para madisengage ka sa parry ng iyong kalaban at para mapunta sa iyo ang Right of Way. Basta. Fencing jargon. Napalol na lamang ako nung pinagpair na kami para mapractice ang mga bagong parry. Para kasi kaming naghahalo ng juice ni Ace dahil ikot lang ng ikot ang mga foil namin. Tumino lang kami nung pinanood kami ni Coach Walter. Naamaze nga ako sa effectiveness of disengagement eh.

At nakinig ako kay Mugalicious Mugababes kaninang AMC125. May natutunan ako kay Felix kanina (oo close kami, lol). Natuto ako tungkol sa trees, spanning trees, at forests na dadalawa lamang ang trees. Nagcheck siya ng attendance kanina. Huwaw.

Matapos nun, nagkaroon ako ng internal dilemma dahil hindi ko alam kung uuwi na ba ako at kakain ng fish nuggets (kikiam tawag ko diyan, pero Fish Nuggets ayon na rin sa pack nito at ayon din sa mga taga-UP na nakakasabay kong kumain dun) ni Ate na hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko pa rin alam ang pangalan sa may Harap ng Alumni Hostel ba yun o pupuntang Gateway at maglalaro ng Percussion Freaks 5th Mix at DrumMania 10th Mix dahil dalawang linggo na akong hindi nakakahampas ng rubber pads. Nahirapan ang aking decision-making apparatus kanina. Pero umuwi na lang ako dahil tinamad na akong pumuntang Gateway dahil umambon. Kumain na lang ako ng dalawang stick ng fish nuggets.

Napalol ako pagkauwi dahil sobrang baho ng aking five flatus combo. Napailing nga pati si Bianca na binigyan ni ate ng pampurga.

At nung nagpagupit ako, muntik na akong mapalol ulit dahil nakita ko si Milai at natandaan ko yung ikinuwento niya sa amin dati. Pinagupitan ko ang aking buhok na nasa pagitan ng emo at metrosexual sa super hassle-free white side wall. Yesz.

Marami akong lol ngayong araw na ito. At dahil sa mga lol na ito, naramdaman kong muli ang LOL na nawala sa akin ng ilang linggo.

Lol = laugh out loud.

But I say LOL for Laugh Of Life.

Nakanamputanesca! Ang drama! Draman ka talaga!

May Pasok na Ako Bukas

I have to reiterate na ang Christmas Break ang pinaka pangit of all two-week breaks existent sa aking student history. Kasi naman, sa gitna ng sem. This only means na maraming pinapagawa over the break kasi nga malamang matutuyo ang mga utak namin. Imagine mo na lang na sa sobrang hirap ng binibigay na acads, tapos mawawala all of a sudden. Parang drugs ang break eh. High moment ka agad the very moment i-dismiss kayo ng prof niyo ng last class before the break. Napakalakas din ng withrawal tendency mo na tamarin kapag may pasok na kinabukasan. And I do mean tamaring pumasok. As in tamad na tamad, solid sa pagkatamad, as if wala ka nang break in your lifetime. Hindi katulad ng Christmas Break ang Summer Break, After-ng-Summer Summer Break, at yung Semestral Break. Lahat naman ay parehong 2-3 weeks ang haba, pero ang main difference ay wala kang kailangan gawing schoolwork during those breaks. Well, wala kang expected schoolwork na kailangang gawin. Kasi iiwan mo yun kasama sa pagtatapos ng Summer, First Sem, o kaya naman Second Sem. Pero hindi sa Christmas Break.

May deliverable kami sa CS122. Sinimulan ko na ba? Um, January 15, 2008 at 3:00pm pa naman ang submission nun eh. Besides, ako na ang gumawa ng unang deliverable. Pati ba naman ito, ako ang gagawa? (Like duh daddy mo ang client ng inyong database project.)

Long Test 1 namin sa AMC125 (ang aking favorite subject) sa Thursday. Parts 1-5 yata ng Chapter 11: Introduction to Graph Theory ang coverage (mahusay kang estudyante dahil hindi mo alam ang coverage ng LTs mo). Nag-aral naman na ako. Yata.

History! Anong masasabi ko? WOOHOO! May bago na kaming readings at hindi ko pa tapos basahin yung tungkol sa India. I will just take down notes. Nakikinig naman ako tuwing history ah. Ang dami ko na ngang notes sa Filipino-turned-History notebook kong si Joseph Bitangcol ang pabalat. Si Sandara sana yung gusto ko, kaso wala daw makitang Sandara Park inspired notebook si ate, kaya daw boyfriend na lang daw ni Sandara yung binili niya. Ecch.

Kaya nga tinawag na "break" ang mga break dahil dapat wala kang gawing schoolwork. Ateneo naman kasi, paminsan hindi nag-iisip ng mabuti. Well at least naman ako, nagawa ko ang kailangan kong gawin sa break, at iyon ay to have a break from school.

Puwet mo! Alam mong may kailangan kang gawin, pero hindi mo ginawa.

Eh kasi naman no, gagawin ko rin yan kapag may pasok na ako, eh bakit kailangan ko ring gawin nung wala akong pasok?

May pasok na ako bukas. Gagastos na ulit ako ng about P40.00 sa pagcommute papuntang school at siyempre pauwi galing school. Haharapin ko nang muli ang aking gawaing pampamantasang aking tinakbuhan ng halos dalawang linggo. Bukas, estudyante na ulit ako. Malalanghap ko na naman ang maduming hangin ng Katipunan Avenue dahil sa mga smoke belcher (bakit may pulang salungguhit ang "belcher"?). Well marami lang talagang sasakyan sa Katipunan dahil diyan sa mga grade school at high school na hatid-sundo ni mommy o kaya ni daddy o dahil may sarili silang sasakyan. Mag school bus na lang nga kayo! Para mabawas-bawasan naman ang traffic sa Katipunan! Kaming mga commuter ang pinaka naaabala eh! (Inggit ka lang, that's why.)

Pero aaminin kong namiss ko ang school. Namiss ko ang aking block. Namiss kong maglakad na may dalang backpack na mabigat. Namiss kong makakita ng maraming tao na alam kong mga estudyante rin silang may mga problema tungkol sa long test o hindi naman kaya dahil naiwan niya ang kaniyang ID at iniiwasan sina Manong Guard sa CTC at si Manong Guard sa may SEC Walkway.

Namiss kong maging estudyante. Kaya matutulog na ako dahil 8:30 ang pasok ko bukas.