Dream > Income?

Kinse bago mag alas-nuwebe ang pinag-usapang oras na magkikita-kita sa Cathouse. Dahil kinse pasado ng alas-otso na, dali-dali siyang isinuot ang kanyang pinaka disenteng polo shirt. Nagkandarapa siya sa pamimili kung ang itim ba o ang kulay-kaki niyang katad na sapatos ang kanyang isusuot. Unang beses niya kasing pupunta sa Ortigas upang kumuha ng isang eksamen para sa kanyang on the job training sa Abril. Sa gulo ng kanyang isip at dahil wala ang kanyang nanay dahil pinaihi niya ang kanilang aso, nauwi na lang siya sa isang sapatos na hindi niya masyadong sinusuot dahil lagi niyang nayayapakan ang kanyang pantalon tuwing iyon ang sapatos niyang suot. Paspasan niyang kinuha ang kanyang kakaunting ipon sa kanyang alkansyang dati'y lalagyan ng brief, at humaharurot na bumulusok palabas ng bahay. Pinalad naman siya dahil sa kanyang paglabas, nakasakay agad siya ng traysikel na ihahatid siya sa lugar kung saan sila magkikita ng kanyang sasabayang kaibigan. Habang unakabilad sa araw at unti-unting bumabakat ang pawis sa kanyang polong madaling mabasa ng pawis, inisip niya kung aabot ba sila sa eksamen nilang nakatakda sa ikasampu ng umaga. Kinakabahan, pinagpapawisan, at tinitingnan kung bumabakat na ba ang kanyang pawis sa kanyang polo, dumating na ang sasakyan ng kanyang kaklase. Binati niya ang nanay ng kanyang kaibigan, at sinuklian siya ng mga katagang

Rudolf, nag-mature ang itsura mo.

Dahil masyado siyang abala sa pag-iintindi sa polo niyang binabakatan na ng kanyang pawis, hindi na niya ito nabigyan ng kaukulang pansin. Mabilis nilang binaybay ang kahabaan ng Commonwealth. Mukhang magiging ayos na ang lahat. Hindi sila mahuhuli dahil sa tulin ng kanilang pagpasada sa Commonwealth. Ngunit dahil sa mga hindi inaasahang pangyayari na lagi namang nangyayari, nahuli sila ng dating sa lugar na pinagkasunduan. Dumating sila doon ng kinse pasado alas-nuwebe, at nagsimula na naman siyang kabahan dahil hindi rin nila masyadong kabisado ang Ortigas, isang mundong ibang-iba sa mundong ginalawan at ginagalawan nila. Ngunit makalipas ang ilang sandali, nagkita-kita na rin sila sa wakas. Ang pagsasama sama na ito ay ang simula ng isang masaya at magulong biyahe mula Katipunan Avenue tungong Exchange Road.

Naging isang bitukang pasikut-sikot ang mga kalye ng Ortigas para sa kanilang mga mata. Ngunit kahit papaano, nakita't natunton nila ang Philippine Stock Exchange Center noong sumapit ang pito makalipas ang ika-sampu ng umaga.

Namangha sila sa laki ng gusaling iyon.

Matapos nilang magulantang at panandaliang mawala sa dami ng elevator ng West Tower, dali-dali silang nagpunta sa ika-dalawangpu't walong palapag hindi para tumalon palabas ng bintana, kung hindi para kunin na ang kanilang eksamen.

Kasama si Flora, umakyat sila ng isa pang palapag at pinaupo isang kwarto na tila pang-eksamen talaga. Kinuwento niya kay Flora na medyo nahirapan silang matunton ang lugar dahil unang beses pa lang nila magawi sa parte ng Ortigas na iyon. Tinanong kasi ni Flora kaya niya sinabi.

Matapos ang pagpapakilala, ipinaliwanag ni Flora gamit ang kanyang napakahinang boses ang ginagawa nila sa Azeus. IT solutions ang pakakarinig niya, at sa totoo lang, tila hindi siya interesado dahil manghang-mangha pa siya kung gaano ka-office ang feel ng loob ng kwarto kung saan sila ikukulong.

...and there will be an allowance of P450.00 a day.

Napaiktad ang karamihan sa kanila, ngunit miski naikubli ang kanilang nararamdaman, nawindang silang lahat. Hindi nila makontrol ang paglaki ng butas ng kanilang ilong tuwing hihinga sila. Nanlaki ang kanilang mga mata sa mga katagang iyon.

Ngunit napaisip siya noong sinabi ang mga katagang "four hundred fifty a day". Ngunit biglang nawala ito sa kanyang isipan dahil may sinasabi pala si Flora. Mas narinig pa niya ang kaluskos ng mga paa ng ipis kaysa sa boses ni Flora.

The test consists of ten items. The passing is seven, and the test will be for an hour. I will be monitoring you from downstairs and will get your papers after an hour.

Good luck!

Naging madali ang unang dalawang tanong, ngunit hanggang doon na lang iyon. Ngunit kahit na alam niyang malabong siya'y makapasok sa Azeus bilang isang intern, ginalingan pa rin niya dahil maaari siyang kumita ng malaki kung papalarin siyang makapagtrabaho doon.

...

Okay, please finalize your answers.

...

Pass your papers forward along with the copy of your transcript.

Pinasa niya ang kanyang papel na puno ng duda sa kanyang sarili. Bahala na, sabi niya sa sarili niya. Tutal, nasa kabilang gusali lang naman ang Chikka, at doon naman talaga niya gustong pumasok.

Habang naglalakad papuntang Megamall dahil pare-pareho nang kumakalam ang kanilang mga sikmura, napatigil siya ng sandali. Sinubukan niyang alalahanin ang tunog ng boses ni Flora noong inusal niya ang mga salitang mangangahulugan nang mahigit sa P17,000.00 para sa tatlong daang oras na kailangan nilang bunuin. May kakaibang pakiramdam ang namayani sa kanyang loob. Hindi pa niya ito nararamdaman kahit kailan. Tumingin siya sa langit na nagbabadya ng ulan, at tinanong ang sarili kung ano ang nangyari sa kanya.

Ano nang nangyari sa kanyang mga pangarap? O kung anong mga bagay lang iyon na ibinabalot niya bilang ang kanyang mga pangarap?

Eh, ano ba naman, may isang taon pa tayo ano!

Pumasok sila sa loob ng Megamall at sinalubong ng malamig na simoy ng aircon. Ibang-iba sa init na namamayagpag sa konkretong mukha ng Ortigas, ngunit hindi nalalayo sa lugar kung saan niya gustong mamalagi tuwing gulung-gulo ang kanyang utak at uhaw na uhaw ang kanyang pinakaloob para sa isang katahimikang sa isang lugar lang niya natagpuan.

Dream > Income

Hindi ko lang talaga alam kung bakit.

Nagsimula ang napakalakas kong pagnanasa na magtrabaho sa Timezone bilang isang mas mataas pa sa Customer Service Assistant noong malaman ko kay Ate Myles na natapos na ang kontrata ni Kuya Ryan sa Timezone sa may Gateway. Simula noon, hindi na naalis sa aking utak ang asul na uniporme ng mga tauhan sa Timezone. Tumatak na sa aking isipan ang mga dingding ng lugar na iyon. Tuwing hihinto ang panahon sa sarili kong mundo, biglang aandar sa aking mga ala-ala ang mga oras na kung saan napapalibutan ako ng mga hiyaw na nagmumula sa dose-dosenang arcade machine na ibinabaon ang aking mga problema sa isang panandaliang panibugho ng katotohanan at buhay. Bigla ko na lang masasalat ang aking Powercard sa kaliwang bulsa ng aking maong na kupas, at magsisimula ang tila isang hindi totoong pagsulong papunta sa maliit na piraso ng katahimikan.

Hindi ko na talaga alam kung bakit.

Ngayon, sa bugso ng mga malalaking kompanya na inaakit akong maging intern sa ilalim ng kanilang malahiganteng mga anino, nagsisimula nang mawangis ang dating napakatatag na determinasyon kong magtrabaho sa Timezone. Unti unti nang nagiging isang malaking katanungan ang aking kagustuhang magtrabaho sa lugar na puno ng ingay at saya. Isa-isang napundi ang napakaraming ilaw na pinanatiling maliwanag ang pangarap kong ito


hanggang ngayon.

Rudolf (1/23/2009 12:46:46 AM): eh kasi
Rudolf (1/23/2009 12:46:55 AM): napapaisip ako kung may career ba talaga ako sa timezone
Rudolf (1/23/2009 12:49:20 AM): kasi alam mo yun?
Rudolf (1/23/2009 12:49:31 AM): parang yung mga inaaplyan ko for ojt parang ang big time talaga
Rudolf (1/23/2009 12:49:40 AM): tapos kagaya nga ng sabi ni kuya joel sa akin
Rudolf (1/23/2009 12:50:00 AM): parang sa small time lang ako magtatrabaho?
Rudolf (1/23/2009 12:50:03 AM): i mean
Rudolf (1/23/2009 12:50:21 AM): gusto ko talagang magtrabaho doon
Rudolf (1/23/2009 12:50:33 AM): pero parang for how long?
Meki (1/23/2009 12:50:36 AM): dream > income
Meki (1/23/2009 12:50:42 AM): well para sa kin
Rudolf (1/23/2009 12:50:45 AM): yeah ako rin naman eh
Meki (1/23/2009 12:50:47 AM): hahaaha
Rudolf (1/23/2009 12:51:00 AM): ewan ko
Rudolf (1/23/2009 12:51:09 AM): may isang taon pa naman ako para pag-isipan lol

Pero sa totoo lang, gusto ko pa ring magtrabaho doon. Kahit tutol si Mamie, kahit hindi na ako kilalanin ni Dadee

sa ngayon, gusto ko pa ring magtrabaho doon.





Hindi naman masamang managinip ng gising, hindi ba?

Kaligayahan

Oo. Lahat naman tayo gusto itong makamit. Lahat tayo, gusto maging masaya. Pero iba-iba ang gusto nating mangyari sa ating mga buhay para masabi nating tayo ay "masaya".

Maraming iba't ibang klaseng kaligahayan sa mundo. Malalim, mababaw, seryoso, palabiro, sa iyo, sa akin, at pwede ring sa ating lahat.

At kung kaya lang natin sanang makita ang mga dapat nating makita at maramdaman ang mga dapat nating maramdaman, lahat tayo ay magiging masaya. Nananatili ang problema dahil masyadong ambisyoso ang tao. Masyadong makasarili. Masyado niyang binubulag ang kanyang sarili sa mga pansariling pangako na sa katotohanan, mga delusyong tiyak na papatirin siya upang madapa sa matigas at malamig na sahig ng pagkabigo. Lahat ng bagay na gusto niya, gusto na niyang makuha agad. Hindi niya kayang intindihin kung bakit lagi na lang siyang bigo sa kanyang walang katapusang paghabol sa kaligayahang kayang balutin ang kanyang buong pagkatao na parang isang malambot na kumot sa isang napakalamig na gabi ng Disyembre. Ang kanyang mismong pagnanasa sa kaligayahan ang siyang sumisira sa kanyang dating matatag at matibay na loob. Dahil sa kanyang desperasyong makita ang liwanag sa gitna ng sukdulang kadiliman, pilit niyang ibinubuka ang kanyang mga mata hanggang sa siya'y lumuha na ng dugo; ang tanging bagay na pinapanatili siyang buhay, humihinga, at umaasa.

Hindi ba niya alam na dapat hindi hinahabol ang mga mumunting paru-paro? Na hindi ito dadapo sa kanya hangga't hindi siya maupo sa payapang kapatagan, ipikit ang mga matang pagod na sa kakaiyak, at pakinggan ang pagtibok ng kanyang puso?

Hindi ba niya alam na sa gitna ng absolutong dilim, makikita niya ang isang sinag ng liwanag ng walang kahirap-hirap? Na hindi na niya kinakailangang lumuha ng dugo para lamang mabasag ang kalungkutang bumabalot sa kanyang kadiliman?

Pilit niyang inaabot ang tagpuan ng langit at lupa, kung saan lumulubog ang araw. Hindi ba niya alam na kailanman, hindi niya ito maabot?

Pilit niyang hinihintay ang bukas na dumating. Hindi ba niya alam na kailanman, hindi ito darating?

Ayaw niya kasing makita kung nasaan siya. Ayaw niyang intindihin na ang bukas, kailanman, hindi magiging ngayon.


Ang tao nga naman.

Hindi marunong maghintay.

Ngunit hindi natin sila masisisi, dahil nakakapagod ang maghintay. Alam kong alam mo na iyon.




Pagod na ako, ngunit kahit papaano, masaya ako.

Sana ikaw rin.

Ang Pagiging Bagger sa Lane One (Express Lane)

Noong natapos ang duty namin sa Robinsons noong nakaraang Sabado, sinabi ko sa sarili ko na sana, maging bagger ako sa susunod na Sabado. Bukod sa nakakapagod, nakakahilo at nakakainis din ang maghanap ng mga stray item sa mistulang walang katapusang mga hilera ng paninda. Nakakahilong hanapin ang tamang lugar ng isang mumunting chichirya sa daan-daang pang ibang chichirya na halos magkakapareho ang itsura ng wrapper. Nakakaantok na hindi tingnan nang tingnan ang mga makikintab na disenyo sa mga wrapper. Nakakainis makakita ng cotton buds sa mga de lata, at limang piraso ng Kit-Kat sa mga inuming nakabote. Nakakairita rin ang mga customer na mahuhuli mong inilalagay ang isang item kung saan-saan lang lalagyan. Kung pwede lang sana, binigyan ko na ng Spinning Heel Drop yung masungit na babae na basta-basta na lang iniwan ang napkin sa mga mantika; Megawatt Uppercut yung batang hinalughog ang buong shelf ng Oishi dahil naghahanap ng Cubee, eh Monde yun at wala ito sa mga chichirya dahil classified ito bilang isang wafer; at isang lumalagitik na Piercing Thorn Fortissimo yung machong lalaki na iniwan ang isang galong mineral water sa may asukal. Eh paano kung matapon yun dun? Masasayang ang pinaghirapan naming ayusin nina Kuya Tyrone.

Kaya pagpasok ko kanina sa selling area, dali-dali akong nagpunta sa mga Cashier. Nilapitan ko ang tahimik na babae na nasa likod ng point of sales system sa lane one. Hindi siya mukhang masungit, kaya kinausap ko siya nang walang pagdadalawang isip.

Ate, kailangan mo po ng bagger?

Express lane ito eh, wala masyadong iba-bag. Pero okay lang.

Mabait si Ate Brenda. Mahinahon niya akong tinuruan at tinulungang mag-bag ng mga binibili ng mga customer. Itinuro niya sa akin kung nasaan ang extra extra small, extra small, small, medium, at large grocery bags (na biodegradable daw, ayon sa nakasulat dito). Sinabihan niya rin ako na lagyan ko ng karton ang bag kapag maraming de lata o bote ang customer. Tinulungan niya akong ihiwalay ang mga sabon at toiletries sa mga food at non-food items. Siya na ang nagbabalot ng mga karne at iba pang mga item na nanggaling sa fresh section ng grocery. Sa mga panahong wala kaming ginagawa, kinakausap at nakakausap ko naman siya. Baguhan pa lang si Ate sa Robinsons bilang cashier. Wala pa raw siyang isang buwang nagtatrabaho doon. Kung anu-ano rin ang pinag-usapan namin: mula sa mga nagsasalita sa PA system hanggang sa mga policy nila doon sa Robinsons. Inalalayan ko ang mga tanong ko dahil tila nahihiya pa si Ate. Ako rin, kung tutuusin, medyo nahihiya pa.

Ate, ang bagal ng oras, ano?

Oo. Madalang kasi ang customer tuwing hapon. Mainit kasi, at tinatamad lumabas ng bahay. Usually yan, mga gabi dumadami ang customer.

Lalo na kung Linggo no, Ate?

Oo.

Ano yun, yung pila, sobrang haba? O hindi naman?

Hindi naman. Mga limang customer na naghihintay, yung tipong ganun ba. Ngayon kasi, madalang ang customer. Hapon kasi, at baka wala pa silang pera.

Nakakatuwang kausapin si Ate Brenda. Yung mga sandaling wala kaming ginagawa at tila napabagal umusad ng oras, napabilis niya dahil sa pakikipag-usap niya sa akin.

Makalipas ang isang oras, may isang parada ng mga babae na may suot na Santa Hat at may dala-dalang mga bakal na kahon ang dumaan sa aming harapan. Isa-isa silang lumabas ng selling area, at nagpuntahan sa mga cashier. Lunch break na raw nina Ate Brenda na opening shift. Papalit muna sa kanila ang mga kakapasok pa lang na closing shift. Iniligpit ni Ate Brenda ang pera sa drawer ng kanyang cash register, at inilagay sa kanyang bakal na kahon. Matapos noon, nagpaalam siya sa akin at umalis na.

Ang pumalit sa kanya ay si Ate Aileen. Mabait din siya, at mas maingay kaysa kay Ate Brenda. Sa pakikipag-usap sa kanya, nalaman kong 25 years old na si Ate, at tulad ni Ate Brenda, wala pang isang buwan sa kontrata nilang limang buwan doon sa Robinsons. Tinuro rin sa akin ni Ate Aileen ang mga boss, boss ng boss, at ang boss ng lahat doon. Sinabi rin niya sa akin na may pamangkin siyang nag-aaral din sa Ateneo. Basta, nakakatuwa ring kausapin si Ate Aileen.

Matapos ang mabagal na pag-usad ng oras dahil wala kaming ginagawa ni Ate Aileen, bumalik na mula sa kanilang lunch break si Ate Brenda.

Lunch break na namin! O di ba, kakapasok pa lang namin, lunch break na agad? Ikaw, hindi ka ba magbe-break?

Hindi na ate, 20 minutes lang kasi ang break namin, eh.

Ay, talaga? Ang ikli naman. Wala ka ngang magagawa sa 20 minutes. Ang sikip sikip kasi ng canteen namin eh.

At matapos ang isa pang oras, bumalik na sina Ate Aileen mula sa lunch break nila. Coffee break naman ng opening shift. At matapos noon, coffee break na nang closing shift. Sa aming pag-uusap nina Ate Brenda at Ate Aileen, hindi nila gusto ang ganoong pagsasalitan nilang mga kahera. Sina Ate Brenda kasi, buwal na sa gutom dahil matagal-tagal din bago ang lunch break nila. Habang sina Ate Aileen naman, wala nang break pagkatapos ng kanilang coffee break na iyon. Wala na silang oras para kumain ng hapunan.

Bumalik sina Ate Aileen mula sa kanilang break. Sabi sa akin ni Ate Brenda, magiging bagger muna sila habang nandoon pa sila. Alas-sais kasi ang alis nina Ate Brenda. Noong bumalik sina Ate Aileen, malapit na ring mag-alas-singko noon. Malapit na kaming mag-time out.

O! Malapit na kayong umalis! Makakakain ka na! pabirong winika ni Ate Aileen. Sa totoo lang, umiikot na ang tumbong ko sa gutom. Para bagang kinakain na ng tiyan ko ang sarili nito dahil sa gutom. Nanunuyo na rin ang labi at kumakapal na ang laway ko sa kakasabi ng Thank you po! o kaya Salamat po! sa mga customer namin. Hindi nagtagal, oras na para umalis kami.

Nagpaalam ako kina Ate Brenda at Ate Aileen na may malaking malaking ngiting nakapinta sa aking mukha. Pagud na pagod na ako sa kakatayo; hindi ko na maramdaman ang mga binti ko sa tinagal ng apat na oras nang pagtayong walang pahinga, ngunit nagawa ko pang kumaway ng masayang-masaya kina Ate Brenda at Ate Aileen.

Sa maikling panahong nakasama ko silang dalawa, ang dami kong natutunan. Ang dami kong nakitang kahit kailan ay hindi ko makikita kung hindi nila sa akin ipinakita. Ang dami kong dinanas na kahit kailan ay hindi ko daranasin kung hindi sila ang mga naging kasama ko. Ang dami kong natutunan na bago, na kahit kailan ay hindi ko matututunan kung hindi sila ang nagturo sa akin ng mga bagay na ito. Dahil sa kanila, lalo kong napapansin ang mga maliliit na bagay na nagpapatakbo at nangyayari sa paligid ko. Dahil sa kanila, naging masaya ako, kahit papaano.

Ate Brenda, Ate Aileen, next week ulit.

Rudolf (Jan - Nov 2008 Ed)

There are always these times when one stops and thinks what life has given him or her. There are always these times when one stops, remains silent, and tries to figure out what he or she has done to say that they are truly alive.

Because I failed to fight a bout of extreme laziness, I ended up looking at the old photos in my phone. I was amused on how I looked before. My hair was once painstakingly styled to my desired appearance. I remember slowly combing my hair, and putting styling wax in my palms and carefully applying it to my coarse hair. I remember the citrus smell of the white wax that I applied on my hair before. The feel of a comb running though my hair is still vivid in my memories.

But now, I usually let Milai shave my hair to the length they call uno.

Somewhere, and somehow, things have changed.

But,
I am still getting tired of everything. In my desperate pursuit for security, happiness is always the price.


It was the price,
it is the price,
and it will be the price.

I'm just tired. Sorry.

A Candle in the Wind (A Memory Fades - Final Light)

November 1, 2008
Sta. Maria Public Cemetery, Sta. Maria, Bulacan

The unpredictable weather seemed to resume its usual dryness. The weather was such a friend as my cousins and I walked along the cramped street leading to the entrance of the public cemetery. The place had a very different feel from Loyola: it was robust, lively, and full of energy. It was a weird feeling. It was very strange to brush my arms with an endless array of strangers. It was very uncomfortable to see hundreds and hundreds of curious eyes taking a glimpse into the eyes of a person hailing from Manila. It was difficult to remain calm and collected as the innocent stares of passers-by became an invisible, immaterial ridicule to my tired and heavy eyes.

The agony did not stop there. Inside the cemetery, the heat was remarkably impossible. The cool air brushing about and the cloudy sky that curtained the intense heat of the sun seemed to have dissipated. The air became saturated with the mixed smell of dead flowers, wax, and human perspiration. Sweat started to trickle down my back as I started to realize the heat from the numerous candles planted in front of the nitsos and the heat from the huge amount of people cramming themselves into the white city of apartments with marble addresses. After a seemingly endless journey and after another hundred more people beaten by their curiosity, we arrived to where the ancestors of Mamie lay.

There was no place to sit. So I decided to shred a plastic bag, and sit on top of Lolo's nitso.

I was successful in establishing a nook for myself in that chaotic world, but I was unable to draw a separate peace to calm my inner self being tossed around by towering waves in the middle of a heaven-shattering sea storm.

Soon, the gray skies slowly turned into an unsure relative of purple. My back ached tremendously as kids climbed up the tallest apartments and made a playground out of the flat surfaces of other people's eternal peace. I watched them play, sing, joke around, and even dance to a beat I was deaf of. They watched in awe as the kingly presence of the betrayed sun withdrew and let the crescent moon and her darkness creep in silently. As the darkness slowly claimed her reign in the sky, the candles with all their memories made their presence more real. The candles made their presence more meaningful.

The candles burned vigorously and brightly as the sky became a deep ceiling of uncertainty. It was unnatural that all the candles, different in their shapes, sizes, and colors, seemed to be all the same to my eyes shrouded by confusion. They seemed to burn in a monotonous manner, as if all the wicks present in my vision were all chanting an unheard mantra which made me more and more desperate for answers. Distraught, confused, and feeling lonely, I gently tucked my legs closer to my body and embraced them as I tried to draw an empty sense of security from an evenly empty part of my being.

And just about that time, a strong force ravaged across the cemetery. A sudden burst of wind turned the monochromatic burn of the candles into an ocean of vermilion embers. The smell of forgotten memories coalesced about and condensed the air that filled my lungs. All candles died at the same moment as they burned all at the same time, and all at the same manner.



All,

except one.



Nanay, 83 ka na dapat ngayon kung hindi mo ako iniwan. Happy Birthday. I love you, at miss na miss ko na kayo ni Tatay.

A Memory Fades (First Light)

October 31, 2008
Loyola Memorial Park, Marikina

The weather was harsh. The light drizzle that eased the unbearable heat that lasted for days became a heavy deluge of cold needles shooting down from the sky. The peaceful air of the resting places became a chaotic calamity-stricken world where rain was the ammunition and the slippery and wet grass was the devastating effect. The merciless break of the heavens sent hundreds and hundreds of candles of all shapes, sizes, colors, and scents into the grip of the darkness. It was ironic that the candles kindled for the dead were dying in their own, little way. Most candles left alone to fend for themselves were extinguished almost instantly.

But after a brief but intense shower, the skies cleared up. Stars soon peeked amidst the chilly night sky. The candles that remained lit slowly started to burn with a renewed vigor. I found myself transfixed to the beauty of a candle's flame as more and more candles slowly regained its warmth, and its memories. I was soon surrounded by the warmth of an unknown presence as I sat silently under an old, old tree. It was the same tree that saw me burst into tears when I failed to keep all of my sadness to myself as we lowered Tatay to his final resting place. It was also the same tree which witnessed all my sorrow and tears when we were to bring Nanay to where Tatay and Tita Nene was. And I am pretty sure that was the same tree that watched an innocent kid wondering what was happening around him.

Then, it started to rain once again, as if the heavens understood what I was trying to say.

Choose

Since the start of my semestral break, all I am doing here in the house is wake up, eat, play, take a bath, play some more, and sleep. Nothing has been happening in my life these past few weeks that have some deep impact on my monotonous activities as a student. Well, since school's out, nothing has been happening that I can call worthy of being blogged.

Maybe the lack of pressure in my life now is slowly draining away everything creative in my whole being. But as I experienced during the last few weeks of the past semester, too much pressure cooks a person into something bland, dull, rubbery, and tasteless. Every creative energy I had was diverted into nothing but schoolwork. There were nights when I shifted into the seventh out of the six gears I know I have. I had to type a truckload of reports for our sales and inventory management system project, study ten theses statements for my final oral exam, and study for countless hours for three subjects. I had to overclock myself since everything needed to be done at the same time, or else, all hell would break loose.

Recently, I have discovered in myself that I am a very indecisive person, indecisive to the point that the opportunity to choose passes away because of the very lengthy time I take to decide. I have always been telling myself that I'd rather not choose because I do not want to make a decision that I might regret in the end, but as I talk to people who are older than me, I discover that I want to choose both. I always look at both choices and want them equally as the other. I do not know if I get torn whenever I leave something behind for another, but the fact remains that most of the time, I lose both because I want the two of them badly. I ranted to a friend of mine how boring sembreak life was because there was nothing to do. I also told him how I hated the hell weeks in school since I can't afford to slack off.

Gian (10/15/2008 6:35:27 PM): make up your mind

Philosophy 101 has taught me that man is man because he has the ability to choose freely, and these decisions will affect his future.

I always have reasons to choose something and not to choose something. The problem is, I always have a reason for everything.

I'm just afraid.

Reality and Fantasy: at War

After defeating a kingdom's whole army and endlessly routing one enemy officer after the other, sleepiness came knocking on my tired eyes. After continuously firing arrows that split into massive shockwaves that stunned the enemy on the spot, I felt a bolt of sleepiness hit my impenetrable desire to play. The mighty swings of the Spirit Reaper and the alluring but deadly dances of Da Ji were defeated by the tired feeling that consumed me inside. It was time to leave the world Orochi had created to test his might against the heroes of history. The short arm of the clock at three and the long one at six bellowed a lullaby in irony. I had to go to sleep because if my parents were to catch me playing in such an unholy hour, I would be toast for good.

Still thinking about the game that I was playing for over two hours, I lied on my bed. Staring directly into the darkness where the ceiling painted like the sky was supposed to be, I kept thinking about Ina's fantastic attacks with her bow, Da Ji's chaotic disruption as she performs her attacks with her Spheres of Decay, and Orochi's massive pulse, flame, and lightning charge attack. I was silently washed away to the shores of sleep with these thoughts in mind. However, the calm crashing of the waves in the shoreline suddenly became a loud, dissonant noise that echoed infinitely into the remote distance.

Video games have always brought me a different kind of peace. The fragments of power and fantasy make me break free from the painful bonds of reality and bring me into a world where war and harmony exist side by side. It blinds the harsh realities that one has to face in life. The escape from reality that these games offer me has kept me sane in the rockiest rivers and roughest seas. However, one cannot escape reality as it always reveals itself to the consciousness of people. No matter how hard we try to run away from the real world, we still exist and move in real time and space. When we try to escape reality, we are simply deluding ourselves to a foolish sense of emancipation to freedom.

My mind suddenly went blank.

And then, it happened.



Masaya ba ako?



I have asked myself that question over and over again. But all I ever do is enter the fantasy world, hoping tomorrow will bring more enemies to knock out, more items to collect, and more strategies to foil. I simply load up a game and channel all my energies into completing the mission placed in front of me.

All I ever do is run away, once again hoping that tomorrow will be just the same as today.

Pressure ~ Feelings

It is one of those blog posts wherein I feel pressured to write something because I feel that I am starting to neglect my blog again. It's not that. I've been really busy during the past few days. Rage almost consumed me when Fr. Arcilla moved our long test from the following week to the following Thursday. My plans for the week was instantly destroyed as I silently sat on my armchair, restraining my fury and nursing my malevolent intentions. My plan was to study during the weekend and take a little time off during the rest of the days. But, Fr. Arcilla's "unplanned" trip to Mexico made me push my mind and body to its extreme limits. I felt I was at the verge of a mental implosion coupled with an instantaneous shutdown of my bodily functions. For two or three nights in a row, I found myself sleeping even past the witching hours. I woke up to cloudy mornings with an unfamiliar emptiness and lightness in my head.

Oh well. I can say bye-bye to that long test. Apparently, I was so worked up that I messed up the facts that were essential in answering the question. I coined the ship "Bertha" as "Brusa", and I may bewilder historians as I said that there was an embassy in New York during the times of the La Gloriosa and the Cavite Mutiny.

Anyway, I was appointed as the project head of GA3 this year. I'm a little worried that I can't do it, but I'm also excited about it even right now. I also joined a committee on Loopback, an event with the alumni of CompSAt.

Some things are just happening, and I cannot do anything about it. Happy things are happening, but I cannot fully embrace its warm feeling since I am in the midst of the embrace of sadness. Two of my greatest blockmates will be leaving for France in three days. I don't know how my best friend feels about what he's going through, but that's okay I guess. We made an agreement that we won't pressure each other to tell about our own problems. The feelings I have for a friend of mine are still inside my heart, although these feelings aren't as painful as before.

Life.

The ACET will be held next Saturday and Sunday. I'm looking forward to it since I will be proctoring for the two whole days of it, and I will be earning my very first salary. Somehow and in some way, all these responsibilities that I have taken up or have been imposed on me makes me feel all grown-up. Well, I'm already 20, but I still find myself isip-bata.

---

I'll miss you two.
Don't stay sad too long.
Thanks for recognizing me when I passed by. You made my day.

Under a Starless Sky: Crimson Eclipse

Tita Nene died when I was two years old. I could hardly remember anything about her: I cannot recall her voice, the way she looked, the length of her hair, or even the smell of her perfume. She has always been just a beautiful lady in the picture in the room directly above mine. My parents had told me that she fondly called me "Ongpong," her favorite nephew. They said she treated me as if I was her own child, but sadly, my memory as a two-year-old simply cannot remember.

Yesterday was her 18th death anniversary. As always, we went to visit her in Loyola.

We bought her white orchids. I cannot exactly recall, but I know that her favorite color was white. Nanay liked green, while Tatay liked blue, if I remember right.

O, 'lina kayo. Magdasal na tayo.

As they made the Sign of the Cross and started to utter the Our Father, I stepped back a few paces. I looked at Tita Nene's name engraved on the marble. For some reason, I felt different. I have been looking at the same grave marker for three years now (since it was changed when Nanay passed away three years ago). I have been looking at the same name for eighteen years, but it was during that time I felt different. Somehow, I felt a happy embrace protect my whole being, but within that embrace lied a sorrow loneliness. I didn't know how my feelings came to that unusual conglomerate, but it made me look up at the sky covered in a thin sheet of misty clouds.

Tita Nene... Kumusta na kayo diyan nina Nay at Tay?

The afternoon sun and the ephemeral clouds coalescenced into a yellow figure in the distant horizon. The beautiful sight kept me in a trance of idleness. My mind felt blank, my body felt blank, and worst of all, my heart and feelings felt blank.

Rudolf, halika na!

The golden figure in the distant horizon had changed, me unaware of it. It has turned into a fiery blaze burning and ravaging the peace in the sky. It was like a hell in heaven, a fragment of sorrow inside paradise.

Tita Nene, bakit ba ang lungkut-lungkot ng pakiramdam ko? Bakit ba napaka-lonely ng feeling ko miski na marami akong mabubuting kaibigan at masaya naman kasama kahit papaano sina Mamie, Dadee, Kuya, at Ate?

The flames in the sky claimed my peace and burned it selfishly away. As I stared at Tita Nene's name engraved on their marker, I tried to search for the answer deep inside my heart.

And it was that time
that I reallized that my heart was the problem.

The crimson eclipse that astonished me probably burned the happiness I keep on searching. The vibrant flames of that conflagrant sea kept burning my hands whenever I tried to reach a happy memory. Everything seemed so near, but everything felt so distant, far away beyond the ardent horizon.



Again, I am left under a starless sky, silently persevering to find what is missing.

Dahil sa Reva Slippers ni Kuya Rodel

When I woke up yesterday morning, it was raining. The rain poured as if there was no tomorrow. Fighting all the strong urges not to go to school, I readied myself to leave. I stepped outside and looked at the weather. The sky was a deep gray, but somehow, the sun was peeping through the curtain of impending showers. As it drizzled mildly outside, I quickly wore a pair of jeans and shoes, opened my umbrella, and left as soon as possible to take advantage of the slightly nice weather. But things turned bad as soon as I hopped off the tricycle.

The gentle drizzle which broke the sunlight into a wonderful splash of colors suddenly turned into a violent maelstrom that ripped the rays of the sun into nothingness. My puny umbrella was no match against the strong and cold winds that battered the street. I tightly embraced my bag and protected my laptop which was deep within my bag. The rains slightly hampered its attack which left me wet from my belt below.

I decided to turn back, and change. I was in no condition to go to school that wet.

Things raced across my mind as I was heading back home. I told myself I should have had just worn slippers and shorts instead of shoes and jeans. But my back tingled in a negative way whenever I thought of the floodwater which carried whatever things I don't want to mention, or even think about. I have always worn shoes because of that compulsive reason. And in jeans, my legs were kept warm inside my air-conditioned classrooms.

I got home, at ako ay sinalubong ni Ate Rosie, ang aming plantsadora.

Grabe! Biglang bumuhos yung ulan!

Dapat kasi hindi ka na lang pumasok eh! Haha

Nagmamadali akong pumasok sa aming bahay at sumugod sa aking silid. Inalis ko agad ang aking basang pantalon at sapatos at inilagay ang mga ito sa likod ng prigider. Hinanap ko ang shorts kong matagal ko nang hindi nagagamit, at ang tsinelas kong Reva na binili namin kay Kuya Rodel dati.

Kumusta na kaya si Kuya Rodel ngayon? Kumusta na kaya yung asawa niyang may bara sa puso? Hindi ko rin kasi alam kung natulungan nga ba ni Mamie sina Kuya Rodel, eh.

Nagmadali ulit akong umalis ng bahay. Tinangay ko ang isa naming payong dahil walang silbi ang aking payong sa hagupit ng ulan at hangin. Naramdaman ng aking mga paa ang lamig ng tubig -baha, at nabasa ang aking mga binti sa lakas ng buhos ng ulan.

At sa isang hindi kanais-nais na sitwasyon, natubog ang aking paa sa putik.

Sa totoo lang, nandiri ako.

Buti na lang, may malakas na agos ng tubig-baha na kung saan hinugasan ko ang aking putikang paa at puri.

Pero nandiri pa rin ako.

Noong bumaba ako sa Central at tumawid sa tulay, muli na namang nadumihan ang aking mga paa. Diring-diri ako pero wala akong magawa dahil huling-huli na ako sa aking klase. Doon, nakita ko si nanay na hindi makatawid dahil baha. Nilalagpasan lang siya ng mga taong nakakasalubong niya.

Nanay.

Inabot ko ang aking kamay. Malugod na inabot din ito ni nanay at naramdaman ko sa kanyang palad ang malaking pasasalamat.

Ay naku, maraming salamat!

Tinulungan kong tumulay si nanay sa mga batong inihagis niya sa bahang lagpas bukong-bukong.

Ngunit sa pagkakataong iyon, hindi ako nandiri sa tubig-bahang hindi ko alam kung saang lupalop ng mundo nanggaling at kung ano ang nilalaman.

Napakaganda ng aking pakiramdam na natulungan ko si nanay na makatawid sa may Central. Dahil ako'y nakatsinelas, nagawa ko siyang matulungan, hindi katulad ng ibang mga nakasapatos at nakapantalon. Dahil sa Reva Slippers ni Kuya Rodel, naramdaman kong muli kung gaano kadiri ang putik sa pa at ang tuyong tubig-baha sa mga binti. Naramdaman kong muli kung gaano nakakailang ang pakiramdam ng may dumi sa talampakan, at ang pakiramdam na matalamsikan ng maitim na putik sa binti.

Dahil sa Reva Slippers ni Kuya Rodel, naranasan ko ang isang uwang ng buhay ng mga taong nakatira sa laylayan ng lipunan. Dahil sa Reva Slippers ni Kuya Rodel, naranasan kong muli kung gaano kasaya mamuhay habang nilalasap ang mga mumunting bagay na lagi na lang hindi binibigyan ng pansin.

Natuto muli akong umapak sa lupa, at makita ang mga dapat makita.

---

Nagkatinginan tayo
Ngumiti ka
Nabuo ang araw ko.

Twenty Pesos

Holdup victim fighting for life
SOPHIA DEDACE, GMANews.TV
08/14/2008 | 11:47 AM

MANILA, Philippines - Antonia Marina "Tara" Santelices was described as an active and well-rounded person with a heart for the environment and an artistic flair. Many believed she has a promising future ahead of her.

But now, Tara - dressed in a hospital gown and wearing a thick bandage around her head - is fighting for her life on a hospital bed where she remains in a comatose for the eighth day since she was shot in the head during a hold-up incident in Cainta, Rizal last week.

"She's a very well-rounded person who is active in a lot of involvements," Tara's mother said.

“She's very artistic person. She is fond of reading books, she designs clothes and she performs with a band. At the same time, she is also an environmentalist," her friends added.

A Political Science graduate of the Ateneo de Manila University, Santelices is an independent film director and a guitarist of music bands Saffron Speedway and Scarlet Tears - passions that she juggles with her work as a research head of a non-government organization.

A robbery incident

But Tara's future was instantly changed by a single violent incident last August 6.

Santelices' friend - who requested anonymity for security reasons - said Tara and her best friend Joyce "Joee" Mejias were on a jeepney and on the way home shortly past Tuesday midnight when they fell victim to a group of holduppers in Cainta, Rizal.

Tara and her friend met at the Burger King branch along Marcos highway. From there, the two were supposed to move to another restaurant where they would celebrate Tara's birthday. Tara just turned 23.

"Tara and Joee met at a fast food chain along Marcos Highway and from there they decided to eat somewhere since it was Tara's birthday," the friend said.

"They rode an empty Ortigas Extension-bound jeep along Imelda Ave. and going there, dun na sumakay yung mga tao," she said.

But Tara and Joee never got to where they were supposed to go. And there were not going to be any celebrations, either.

Within minutes into the jeepney ride, a man - who sat beside Joee - took out a gun, declared a holdup, and pointed the gun to Tara.

"Yung struggle lang was with their bags, pero hindi naman sobrang hilahan yung nangyari," Tara's friend recalled Joee as recalling what happened.

After getting the passengers' bags, the holdupper got off the jeepney. But while he was getting off, he kept the gun trained at Tara. Unexpectedly, the gun went off as the suspect fled the scene.

Tara was hit.

"Joee was focusing on the gun when the man was getting off the jeepney. When the gun went off, she didn't see who was hit. When she looked at Tara, siya na nga yung natamaan," she said.

"High-risk"

According to the friend, Mejias asked the jeepney driver to rush them to the nearest hospital. However, passengers were still getting on and off the jeepney on the way to the Arnaiz Clinic along Imelda Avenue.

The clinic, however, didn't have the facilities to aid Santelices so she was taken to Amang Rodriguez Hospital, where her parents and Mejias’ parents followed.

At around 8 am, Santelices was again transferred to Medical City in Ortigas.

After some examinations at the Medical City, doctors found shrapnels in Tara's brain, which doctors said would require a delicate surgery to remove. Doctors described the operation as "high-risk" saying it can even further endanger Tara's life.

Not willing to take on that risk, Tara's parents decided not to go through with the surgery.

"There are still shrapnels inside Tara's head. And may hernia na. It's really a high-risk operation that might endanger Tara's life more," the friend said.

While police have released an artist sketch of the assailant, no arrests have been made.

Sympathies and support

To help raise funds for Tara's medical bills, her friends and former schoolmates have started a series of benefit gigs which will be running for the next two months.

"Tara is a member of two bands, that's why she knows people from the music scene," Santelices' friend said.

A bank account - under Anne Marie F. Santelices, Banco de Oro (savings account number 2140-062201) - was also set up to accommodate donations and other financial support for Tara.

Tara's mother said that their family did not expect the massive support from Tara's friends. "Our family is overwhelmed with the support of Tara's friends," Tara's mother said.

But more importantly, activities aimed at helping Tara also serve to educate the public that such violent incidents continue to happen.

"We want young people to be aware that these things happen. We want to prevent this from happening again," Tara's mother said. - GMANews.TV

---

This news came to my awareness as rumors at first. My classmates in Ph101 talked about an Atenean who was shot in the head when she refused to give her laptop. Yestserday, Sir Mariano told us about Tara's condition. He told us how difficult her condition was, and her friends and family were asking for any kind of support for their friend and family. Sir announced the gigs for Tara's cause, and he passed a short brown envelope with a label reading "4 TARA". As the envelop drew closer to my seat, I searched for my coin purse deep within my bag and got a twenty-peso bill out of it. I hid in from everyone's view and silently placed it inside the envelope, which I felt was filled with cash donations for Tara.

I passed the envelope to my right and listened to Sir Mariano's explanation of Calasanz' Ang Aking Katawan. My midterm oral exam is already next week, so I had to listen.

After class, he thanked the people who donated something for Tara. He was somewhat happy that we were ready to help even a person we do not know.

At para naman dun sa mga walang naibigay, ayos lang din naman iyon. Sana man lang kahit isang panalangin ay masabi ninyo para kay Tara.

I felt my heart slow down. My eyes darkened for an instant, and the air felt difficult if not impossible to breathe.

Am I too distant to even believe in prayer?



Tara, I hope you get well soon.



Is this what justice is to you?

More Than Twelve Inches

After the tears have fallen, my heart beats once again.

But, I am quite sad because I am unable to express my gratitude to the person responsible for opening my eyes.

---

After purchasing my Compaq Presario B1293TU, I asked Mamie how much we have saved after four regular semesters and two summer semesters of me being a full scholar. She estimated that we have saved almost half a million pesos, since a regular semester in Ateneo now costs almost P80,000.00 and a summer semester costs around P40,000.00. Doing the math in my head, I figured that a regular three-unit subject costs about P7,000.00. I was amazed that a person like me who got D's in a six-unit Math subject figured that one out while pigging the potchero.

I have always wondered where all that tuition went. My professors in school had always complained about their salaries.

While I was riding the front seat of the jeep going to Katipunan, I looked at the giant trees that lined the oval of UP. I tried to remember what they were like when I was young. They were big, small leaved trees whose branches arced and covered the roads like a gentle blanket of fine velvet. As the warm afternoon winds blew, these trees emanated a soothing song like that of an ocean wave gently breaking into the infinite shore, and echoed into the distance. The very same trees would soon shed most of its tiny leaves as the colder days approached. I will never forget the image of trees when its leaves fell like tiny fragments of sorrowful tears falling from the mourning sky, carried and blown by the wind filled with nostalgia.

These trees were just like they were nine years ago. Did they separate from the course of time and stagnate into an eternal state of beauty? Or was it just my memories that faded away as time passed by?

School was just as tiresome as ever. The readings slowly piled up as I took a much needed breather from the tough week that had just passed. Being a junior isn't as easy as being a sophomore because procrastination had always been an ally, well at least until a week ago when my beloved gods of cramming kicked me while I was terribly down.

Were things passing by without me noticing it? Or am I just too preoccupied with my feelings?

But whatever happened, I needed to get my new laptop its sleeves. I scoured each shop located in Araneta Center, but I wasn't successful in my mission to purchase laptop sleeves for a 12" lappy. My feet were numb and my legs were throbbing after walking and standing for hours and my throat was intensely parched from politely inquiring store personnel who were friendly, but I still managed to walk from Gateway to V. Luna. I had to take that walk, besides the reason that there was just too much people hurrying to go home at that time.

I looked at the old sidewalks along East Avenue, and I stared at the cloudy night sky.

Things looked the same, but somewhere along the invisible lines, they felt different. Things still existed the same way they did years ago, but somehow, they enveloped me in such a strange manner.

I hopped in an ordinary bus cramped with people and stayed by the door. Feeling the cool air saturated with uncertainty rushing past my tired face dried the tears that were welling in my eyes. The fake sensation of flying sent infinite images to my confused mind and wounded heart. The distance I traveled and the things that I have felt were enough for me to hold on, and tightly embrace what I now hold important deep within my heart.

But that pain is sweet sorrow, a subtle reminder that we are alive, yearning for security and comfort in the ironies of life.

Mediocrity?

One thing is for sure: we really dislike Fr. Arcilla as a History professor. He's better off being an English professor since he is so particular about grammar, mechanics, and writing style.

He returned our first long tests earlier this morning. The questions I got during the test was alright, but I was not confident enough that I would be getting a high mark for my answer. I know the answer very well, it was just that I was not very much able to explain it the best way. I psyched myself over the past week that I would be receiving a C, and I did. I was relieved that I did not fail the test, and I did not receive a grade with a minus to it. Fr. Arcilla explained to us his policy: if a grade had a minus, the grade of the succeeding long test must be higher or equal to the grade with the minus. In the event that it is lower, then the grade with the minus would drop to the lower bordering grade. He said that if anyone was to get a B- and got a C in the next test, then the B- turns into a C. But if a B is acquired in the next one, the B- loses its minus and turns to a B.

It is unfair that he has a policy like this. Getting a good final mark is very difficult in his class since he has only four tests in which your grades could get lower all of a sudden, in addition to him being a very closed-minded person and boring.

As I laid on my bed when I arrived home, I started to wonder what has happened to me over the past years. I looked back on my high school years. Was the curriculum back then just easier than my academic workload today? Or is something else the matter?

I don't know. I'm tired of it already, and I want to enjoy the momentary freedom of not worrying about deadlines tomorrow.

Hanapin ang Naiba

Mga sagot (i-highlight upang makita):

1. Ang background. Hindi eksato ang anggulo ng pagkuha ng dalawang litrato. Ngunit hindi nangangahulugang magkaiba na ang silid kung saan kinuha ang mga naturang litrato. Mukha namang kuwarto pa rin ito ng lalaking nasa litrato. Hindi rin nangangahulugang nag-iba na ang tingin ng lalaki sa litrato sa kanyang buhay.

2. Ang salamin. Ito na siguro ang pinakahalatang pagkakaiba sa dalawang litratong ito. Hindi nangangahulugang malabo na ang paningin ng lalaki sa litrato. Nagmumukha lamang siyang mas matalino, at nararamdaman niyang mas matalino siya dahil dito. Ito ay isang halimbawa ng placebo effect. Kung hindi niyo naririnig ang sinasabi ng naturang lalaki sa litrato, sinasabi niya sa inyo na natutulungan ng salamin na ito na manatiling interesado sa kanyang mga inaaral, lalung-lalo na sa History.

3. Ang buhok. Bigyang pansin na naunang kunin ang litrato sa kaliwa. Patunay ang paghaba ng buhok ng lalaki sa larawan na isang buwan na ang lumipas, ngunit halos wala pa ring nagbabago sa mga bagay na gusto niyang may mabago. Hindi nangangahulugang wala siyang ginagawa upang mabago ang mga bagay na gusto niyang mabago.

4. Ang tainga. Mas kita ang tainga ng lalaki sa kaliwang litrato kaysa sa kanan. Gawa na rin ito siguro nang hindi eksatong anggulo ng pagkuha ng mga litrato, at ng kanyang humabang buhok. Ngunit hindi nangangahulugang hindi na niya pinakikinggan ang ibang tao. Mas pinakikinggan pa nga niya ang iba, at pinakikinggan na rin niya ang kanyang sarili.

Kung meron pang nakitang ibang pagkakaiba maliban sa mga nabanggit, huwag mag-atubiling sabihin.

Good Friday

But ironically, this Friday isn't good at all. Not good at all.

I'm slowly losing grip of myself again. Oo. Again. Pinakikinggan ko kanina ang isang kanta sa Neeon (ko) ng halos mga dalawang oras. Habang nagsasampay ako at habang gumagawa ako ng brownies na kulang sa tamis, yun lamang ang pinakikinggan ko. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Ang dami ko na naman kasing iniisip eh.

Well, medyo masaya naman ako dahil matiwasay namang lumabas ng oven ang brownies ko. Kanina ko lang nalaman na hindi pala enough ang isang lata ng condensada para maging matamis ang brownies. Naging matakaw tuloy kainin. Sinabi din ni Mamie na bibili siya ng imported na chocolate powder para mas lalo pang sumarap ang brownies na gagawin ko in the future. Iisa lang kasi yung chocolate powder sa Puregold eh, Peotraco ang tatak. Naaalala kong yun ang ginagamit ni Heny Sison sa kanyang show na A Taste of Life nung kami'y avid viewers pa ng show niyang iyon. Actually, hindi ko na alam kung pinapalabas pa ito sa IBC13 tuwing alas-11 ng Linggo ng umaga.

Naligo rin pala ako kaninang 3:15 ng hapon. Sabi nila, bawal na raw maligo kapag alas-3 na ng hapon ng Biyernes Santo kasi patay na raw ang Diyos. Wait lang. Parang hindi pa yata patay ang Diyos. Black Saturday pa yata mamatay ang diyos eh (hindi kasi ako isang devout Catholic eh). Hindi ko alam kung bakit bawal maligo, pero sabi ni Ate, isa raw yung sakripisyo. Pero hindi ko pa rin nagets ang connection ng pagligo at ang pagkamatay ni Hesus or whatever event. Naaalala ko rin dati nung bata pa ako na bawal maglaro tuwing Biyernes Santo. Ngayon ko lang naisip na baka bawal nang maging masaya kasi patay na si Hesus (or kung ano man ang nangyari), tapos bawal na rin sigurong maglaro kasi baka pagpawisan kasi bawal nang maligo. Ang labo. Oo, naaalala ko yang mga yan nung huli kong bakasyon sa Bulacan nung Holy Week many many many years ago.

Bakit nga ba "good" ang Good Friday?

At nakakadama na rin pala ako ng weird strong heartbeats paminsan minsan. Ewan ko. Dala na rin siguro ito ng pagpupuyat ko dahil hindi ako makatulog dahil ang dami kong naiisip. Grabe naman talaga.

Hindi ko na naman alam. Parang yung pesteng Rings na yan sa AMC125. Nakakaasar naman talaga kasi nahihirapan akong intindihin kasi ang dami ko na namang naiisip na hindi naman dapat isipin. Nakakaasar kasi hindi ko magawang gawing something productive yung mga bagay-bagay na kumakain sa utak ko ngayon.

Ayaw ko na talaga. Ayaw ko nang magkaroon ulit ng something. Ayaw ko nang maramdaman na ako ay naging isang problema lamang na hinihintay nang matapos.

I feel na mga 4 na ako makakatulog nito. Mag-aaral pa ako ng AMC125 kasi kailangan at take note, maaga akong gigising bukas (or later, 12:20 na kasi sa clock dito) kasi kailangan maglinis ng bahay kasi dadating yung gufra (girlfriend, haha) ng kuya ko at kasi uuwi rin kaming Bulacan bukas.

Oh, bakit "good" lang ang Good Friday? Bakit hindi "Great Friday" o kaya "Best Friday"?

Does this mean na hindi talaga overflowing, as all religion teachers say, with [insert proper noun/adjective/phrase/whatever here] si God?

Ah well. Just take the time to think. Besides, ito ata ang point ng Holy Week eh. It is a time to ponder about your faith.

Geez.


















What am I doing wrong? What am I not seeing?

Maundy Thursday

Dahil late na kaming nakauwi, ngayong Good Friday ko na mapopost ito.

Napatingin pa talaga ako sa dictionary kung ano nga ba ang ibig sabihin ng "maundy." Ayon doon,

-noun
1. the ceremony of washing the feet of the poor, esp. commemorating Jesus' washing of His disciples' feet on Maundy Thursday
2. Also called maundy money. money distributed as alms in conjunction with the ceremony of maundy or on Maundy Thursday

At kung hindi mo alam, Maundy Thursday ngayon.

Naging practice na namin ang bisita inglesia every Holy Thursday. Ito yung bibisita ka ng isang simbahan o chapel sa bawat station ng Stations of the Cross. Every year na lang, pakaunti ng pakaunti at palapit ng palapit ang mga pinupuntahan naming mga simbahan o kaya mga kapilya. Naaalala ko pa dati na marami kaming dalang baon na pagain at softdrinks kasi dinadayo pa namin ang Manila Cathedral at Sto. Domingo. Pero this time around, yung chapel lang ng subdivision namin ang pinuntahan namin. At wala lang, napansin din namin na kakaunti na lang ang mga taong naglalakad papuntang Grotto sa may Tungko. Dati kasi, napupuno ang mga tabi ng dating Don Mariano Marcos Avenue ng mga debotong naglalakad. Meron pa rin naman ngayon, yun nga lang, mabibilang mo na sila dahil kakaunti na lang sila.

Sa ikaapat na station, humiwalay ako sa aking pamilya at lumuhod sa pinakaunahang chapel pew. Doon, tiningnan ko si Hesus na nakapako sa kanyang krus. Pero hindi naman siya nakatingin sa akin. At sa kung ano mang dahilan, naramdaman ko na lang na tumulo ang aking mga luha. Hindi ko alam talaga kung bakit. Buti na lang, walang nakakita kaya naagapan ko ang isa pang pagpatak. Hindi ko talaga alam.

Paulit-ulit kong tinanong sa kanya kung ano ba ang ginagawa kong mali. Paulit-ulit kong inisip kung ano ba ang ginagawa kong mali kaya hanggang ngayon, hindi pa rin ako masaya. Ang dami ko na namang inisip. Nakakainis.

Medyo matagal din yata akong nakaluhod at nakatingin sa kanya. Kasi pagbalik ko kina ate, mamie, dadee, at kuya, Hail Holy Queen na ang dinadasal nila. Sa katunayan nga, hindi ko maramdaman ang tuhod ko nung tumayo ako. Hindi ko maramdaman ang tuhod ko miski na hinahaplos ko na ito ng matagal.

Pero hindi ko pa rin alam kung bakit ako naiyak.

Hindi ko pa rin alam kung bakit hindi pa rin ako masaya. Masaya naman ako, pero hindi na ako masaya.

mmHg

Kung tama ang akin pagkakaalam at pagkakatanda, ang normal na blood pressure ko ay 100/70. Parang mababa na yata yan dun sa pinakamagandang blood pressure na 120/80, pero yan ang normal para sa akin. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ganyan. Isa kong theory ay hindi nahihirapan ang aking heart na tumibok. Parang isang heartbeat lang, malayo na ang nararating ng oxygen-rich blood na na-aerate sa alveoli sa lungs.

Ayon sa wikipedia,

The adjective "diastolic" is used to refer to the relaxation of the heart between muscle contractions. It is used to describe portions of the cardiac cycle related to contraction. More typically it is used as one component of measurement of blood pressure. "Diastolic pressure" refers to the lowest pressure within the arterial blood stream occurring during each heart beat. The other component of blood pressure is systolic pressure, which refers to the highest arterial pressure during each heart beat. When stating blood pressure, systole and then diastole is mentioned; for example: 120/80.

So ayun. Medyo mababa lang ng kaunti ang lowest pressure sa aking heart kung ikukumpara sa above-mentioned 120/80. Well, mas maganda nga yata yun kasi sa tingin ko, hindi agad madadamage ang aking arteries kasi nga wala namang masyadong pressure na nabubuo. Hindi ako isang nurse pero hindi ba mas dangerous ang hypertension (commonly known as high blood pressure, hence the prefix hyper-) kaysa sa hypotension (na low blood pressure naman dahil sa hypo-)?

Kasi, hindi na ako nakakatulog agad these past week. Miski na pagod na pagod na talaga ako, it would take me at least an hour bago ako makatulog. Tapos, either magigising ako sa kalagitnaan ng tulog ko o kaya naman paggising ko sa umaga (or hapon), pagod na pagod pa rin ako. Paminsan, pareho. Oo, aaminin kong paminsan, sinasapak ako ng insomnia, pero parang iba yata itong nangyayari sa akin these days. Dati, ayos lang naman sakin miski na tatlong oras ang inaabot bago ako makatulog, pero ngayon, hindi. Hindi na kasi kinakaya ng katawan ko.

Ilang araw na kasi akong puyat at kulang ang tulog. Nung isang araw, 100/60 na yung blood pressure ko. At kaninang umaga, matapos ang isa na namang struggle para makatulog, bumaba sa 100/50 yung aking presyon. Lagi na akong nahihilo, inaantok, light-headed, at paminsan, hindi na makaisip ng mabuti. Recently lang, nawawalan na ako ng gana kumain kahit na gutom ako at kanina, hindi tinanggap ng aking katawan yung Nissin Mini Cup Noodles Beef. Oo, hindi tinanggap ng katawan ko, in short, idinuwal ko siya sa banyo sa harap ng chapel sa school. At oo nga pala, 118lbs na lang ang timbang ko, 10lbs lighter than my usual 128lbs.

Medyo nag-aalala na rin ako na baka mamaya, maging anemic na ako. Ang normal reference value kasi ng red blood cells ng isang lalaki ay 5.5 - 6.5 E 12/L, samantalang ayon sa luma kong hematology, ang RBC count ko ay 5.54 E 12/L. Borderline na ako ng minimum RBC. At dahil lagi pa akong napupuyat, malamang, bumaba na yan.

Kanina lang, pinagod ko ang aking sarili dahil naisip ko na kung sobrang pagod na pagod ako, baka makatulog agad ako paglapat na paglapat ng aking likod sa kama. Nilakad ko mula Gateway hanggang Philcoa. Dahil doon, ang kadalasang P20.00 na pamasahe ko mula Farmers ay naging P12.00 na lang kasi sa Philcoa na nga ako sumakay ng bus. Mga dalawa't kalahiting oras yata ako naglakad kahit na medyo nahihilo. Nilakad ko ang ganoon kalayo dahil gusto kong patunayan sa sarili ko na kaya ko. Nilakad ko rin iyon dahil kailangan kong pag-isipan kung ano na ba ang nangyari at nangyayari sa buhay ko.

Kaya ngayon, I feel a little warm.

Hay. I've been sickly for the past month, especially these past two weeks. Hindi pa rin stable masyado yung temperature ko. Paminsan, feeling ko may sinat ako (at occasionally meron nga) tapos nun, I feel better.

Ang dami kasing pumapasok sa isip ko tuwing hihiga ako sa aking kama sa gabi (pero usually madaling araw) at pipikit para makatulog. Ang dami kong iniisip na hindi ko naman dapat isipin, pero naiisip ko pa rin. Ang dami kong iniisip, kaya ang dami ko ring pilit na hindi iniisip para mapanatag ang aking loob para makatulog, kahit papaano. Ang dami kong balikwas na ginagawa at unang niyayakap para lang makatulog, pero nahihirapan pa rin akong makatulog.

Pero ngayon, kailangan kong gawin yung php namin sa CS122 kasi sabi ko kay Raf, ako na ang gagawa.

Hay. I feel tired. So tired.

Tapikin mo Siya at Yakapin nang Mahigpit

Hindi ko na talaga alam kung anong nangyayari sa akin.

Lagi na lang akong nagkakaganito talaga. Nakakainis na nakalulungkot dahil hindi ko magawan ng paraan. Sasaya na ako, pero magkakaroon ako ng isang over-emotional sensitivity overload na pupuwersa sa akin para maging malungkot na naman. Masyado kasi akong naniniwala na maaari pang maibalik ang dati, ang dating maayos naman ang lahat, ang dating masaya kaming dalawa.

parang hindi na kasi maibabalik sa dati ang lahat
malay mo

Hindi ko na talaga alam. Napakatanga ko na marahil upang hindi maramdaman ang gusto kong maramdaman, samantalang ginagampanan naman niya ang kanyang nararapat na gawin, ayon sa isa kong kaibigang napalayo sa akin dahil na rin sa "problema" kong ito.

confidential un i trust you
oo nmn
gusto kong sabihin sayo kasi magiging unfair naman sayo
hindi ko lang sinabi agad dahil may problema ka
ah
salamat

Ewan ko na talaga. Hindi ko na alam. Nararamdaman ko na talaga na nagkakaroon na ako ng isa pang pagkatao, maliban sa tatlong pamamaraan ko ng pag-iisip. Ayon sa math, 2 pagkatao at 3 pamamaraan ng pag-iisip ay nangangahulugang 6 na posibleng pagsasama (2 x 3 = 6 kung hindi mo nakuha kung bakit). Ewan ko na talaga. Hindi ko alam. Hindi naman ako ganito, at baka nga nangangahulugang ngang hindi na maaaring maibalik ang dati. Isa ka kasing hangal. Tonto. Bulag ka pala, bulag.

naaapektuhan na ba kita?
medyo
sorry

masyado ba akong complicated?
mas complicated ka sa iba

Hay. Muntik ko pang ibagsak ang Dragon Blade kanina.

Nakakaiyak. Nakakaiyak. Hindi ko na talaga alam ang nangyayari sa sarili ko. Gusto ko nang tumalon patungo sa kawalan para maging malaya sa masakit na mundong aking ikinukumot sa aking sarili. Gusto kong lumipad at madama ang hangin sa aking mukha. Gusto kong humimpapawid at tumungo sa isang lugar kung saan masaya ang lahat. Katulad na marahil ako ng aking saranggola. Gustong nang maging malaya at maiangat ang sarili mula sa malungkot na lupa patungo sa yakap ng hangin na puno ng pag-asa, ngunit lagi na lamang may nangyayaring hindi kanais-nais kaya't laging nauudlot ang inaasam na tunay na ngiti sa labi.

Nakakaiyak. Isa akong taksil. Taksil sa iba, at taksil sa ibang taong mahal na mahal ko bilang mga kaibigan.

basta, ikaw ang best friend ko sa college
sorry
best friend mo pala ako pero ginaganito kita

Kaya naman nauuwi sa mga bagay na bumabaon sa iyong utak at dahan-dahang tumatarak sa iyong damdaming kababangon pa lamang mula sa isang masakit na pagkakarapa.

pede ba ulit akong maging kaibigan mo?
hindi ba kita kaibigan?
eh best friend?
pwede

gusto mo ba ulit akong maging best friend?
ikaw bahala
kahit ano ayos lang skin

Sawa na ako sa kaalatan ng aking mga luha.

Ngunit ako'y umaasa pa rin. Ayaw ko lamang ipakitang ako'y nananalig dahil hindi ko na kayang saktan ang aking sarili. Hindi ko na kayang yakapin ang aking sarili dahil na rin hindi ko na kilala ang aking sarili. Kasalanan kong lahat.

hindi mo kasalanan lahat rudolf
eh di kasalanan nino?
hindi ko alam, pero huwag mong isisi ang lahat sa iyo

Naduduwal ako dahil umiikot ang paningin ko. Hindi ko kasi alam kung umiikot ba ang mundo ko o kung ako lang iyon. Kailangan ko na talaga siguro ng antipara.

At hindi ko rin maipaliwanag nang mabuti sa aking sarili kung bakit ang isang tapik sa balikat ay mas matimbang pa sa dalawang oras ng patuloy na pakikipag-usap tungkol sa mga bagay-bagay.

Marahil, ito ang nabibigay sa akin ng lakas at tatag upang magpatuloy.

Pero baka ito rin ang dahilan ng pagkawala ng pagkabulag ko sa katotohanan. Hindi ko na alam. Siguro, nakikita ko na talaga ang katotohanan, ngunit binubulag ko ang aking sarili dahil ayaw ko nang masaktan.

Pero nauuwi rin ang lahat sa wala. Lahat ng mga paglaban ko, nawuuwi sa kawalan.

Kaligayahan, yakapin mo ako. Kung ako ma'y pinandidirihan mo, yakapin mo na lang siya nang mahigpit para sa akin.

Tapikin mo siya at yakapin nang mahigpit dahil hindi mo alam kung makikita mo pa siya bukas.