In Between

There are some things you really can't understand, no matter how hard you try to. I don't know. Maybe it's just me being afraid and getting worried about something I just imagined. You try to be as neutral as possible, but the truth is, no matter how neutral you think you are, you are still holding onto something you just won't let go.

Friendship is such a fragile thing. But isn't friendship something that will stand the tests of time and the blows of the steel?

I am confused. I am worried that I am confused because I don't know if it is right to be worried.


The complexities of life suck bad. It just rapes face.



Andito lang ako para sa inyong dalawa. I hope both of you know that.

You May Pull the Red String

The shadows of sins flicker and flutter. A sorrowful destiny; a path of doubt. The hater and he hated are two in one; two cracked mirrors reflecting each other. We come from the darkness, where the threads of time intertwine.

We shall exact your revenge.

---
Urban legend has it that if one posts their grudge on a mysterious web page at the stroke of midnight, Ai Enma - a young, pale girl known as the Jigoku Shoujo (Girl from Hell) - will appear with a straw doll with a string around its neck. This site, known as the Jigoku Tsushin (Hell Correspondence), is rumored to be only accessible exactly at midnight. Should someone submit the name of someone against whom they bear a grudge or immense hatred, Ai Enma will take them to a realm of perpetual twilight where she offers them a straw doll with a red string wound around its neck and describe to the client the details of their contract; should the client pull the string tied around the doll's neck, she will ferry the target of the revenge straightaway to Hell. However, once the client's life has ended, he or she too will go to Hell; a black crest-shaped mark appears on the client's chest to serve as a permanent reminder of this and their decision to send someone to Hell. Both of them will wander hell for eternity, forever feeling pain and suffering; not knowing what paradise is like.


"If you truly wish to eliminate the person tormenting you, you would just pull this red string. Upon doing so, you enter into an official contract with me. The person tormenting you would be sent immediately to hell. But when a person is cursed, two graves are dug. When your body dies, your soul goes to hell, forever wandering and never knowing what paradise is...

And now, you decide what happens next."

Trust Issues

I have said this before: I easily trust people.

In my opinion, the cause of this ease of trust is the way I look at people. I instinctively brand the people I meet and have conversations with as good and incapable of doing any kind of harm out of pure malice. Blindly looking at people's true motives and intentions, I seek the small refuge they might offer in their sharing or "sharing" of their self. Things happen over and over again; people enter and leave my life as if it was untouched, unmarred, or without any kind of scars. And the end of each farewell, my tears roll down my cheeks no matter how hard I try to muster everything inside. I readily open my palms in preparation to gently catch and fondly caress what they will throw to me as their own being, but in doing so, they cover a hidden desire which remains cloaked in mystery until the damage is done and the pain is felt.

No matter how heinous or atavistic a person looks, deep inside me a voice lingers saying words that mark the belief that a good person resides inside that appearance. Deception is at work: either me deceiving myself into feel-good and heroic structures, or them putting up a concrete barrier to make the visible be invisible to the eyes of someone gullible like me. It is just that seldom do I interact with people outside my zones, and in that seldom occasion that someone steps into my circle, my hunger for closely-knit ties rumbles my senses and opens my whole in their mercy. But that does not justify everything. It does not support anything.



I have trouble trusting myself, but I have no problem trusting other people.



I guess this is one of my obvious weaknesses,
but I hope someone could look into it as a strength,

so that I may start believing in myself in a way that can ratify my sense of self-perception.

Surrogate Security

With his feelings an utter mess and his thoughts in disarray, he felt more vulnerable than ever. He continued to stare straight at the low ceiling of his room as the bitter cold slowly ate the warmth of his feet and his eyes dried up in the absence of the tears that one flowed down his bony cheeks. Consciously and unconsciously, he was tossing in his bed from side to side every minute or so, like prey writhing to escape with dear life as the fangs of the hunters clamped down its bare neck. Something was stuck in the deepest parts of his being, something that was not there before. It clogged his desire for happiness and warmth. For some reason or another, he just wanted to close his eyes, and enter the world of his dreams. He hoped never to wake up again in the cold and piercing embrace of the nightmares of his confused heart.

But the cold was too painful to bear. The abnormal weather made his self-inflicted wounds throb with an increasing wave of pain that emanated across his entirety. He wished to weep, but his tears were in mourning. His tears were grieving the loss of his precious skies full of aspirations as it broke into the shale storms that were saturated with uncertainty and broken promises. His blanket never seemed to protect him from the cold that was slowly taking his sanity. He kept kicking and shuffling, but his efforts were all for nothing. In a last, desperate attempt to kindle a small flame of hope to provide him the warmth and the light he needed, he reached for his long legs and tucked them close to his body. He yearned for the security of his mother's womb, the kind of devotion where one would protect the other with everything they have.

His sight was slowly growing dark despite the small night light turned on. He thought he was finally falling asleep. But a sharp, invisible pain inside him jolted him into the reality that he was falling into yet another dangerous pit of his emotions. It was one of those instances where he felt the chilling embrace of the most unending darkness one could face.

With the last remaining ounce of his strength, he reached out his hand to hold onto something. He reached out his hand to save himself from another ironically agonizing fall into the world he is so accustomed to. He reached something warm, soft, and pleasant to the touch. As he grabbed the object which seemed to be brimming with affection, he placed his head on it. A subtle warmth calmed his body down, and after a few moments, he regained the sanity which was sapped by the unknown hunters of his night. He felt alive once again.

He realized that all was but a dream forcefully transgressing his sleep.




In his dreams, the pillow was his source of warmth, life, and happiness. It was everything, and it meant everything to him.

But in his waking consciousness, the reality remains that the pillow is nothing more than just a pillow, something that will never return all his yearnings for security. The reality remains that he still stands under the starless sky that he has wrongly wished for himself.


---


ay rai
pede ba kita maging surrogate sister?

meaning?

uh
like
family outside my home
kasi na dedepress na ako sa sarili ko dahil I find my family disfunctional when I know it isn't
ang shits kasi ng mga drama sapaks ko sometimes

you don't find me dysfunctional?

para sa akin hindi

hahaha
ok
i'm just here

sometimes i wonder
am i like selfish or something?
kasi all i ever do is run to you guys kapag namomroblema ako or something

no you're just in need of love and affection
we all do
that's what friends are for

thanks rai>:D<

>:D<

Sorry September

Rolf lives to write. Each and every day, he never fails to satiate his drive to write about life, love, and people. He vividly expresses his thoughts with colorful words fresh with the hues of happiness and greatness. His sentences bring music to the seemingly monotonous clicking of the keys of his old keyboard. His words containing the imagery of his boundless imagination and deep reflections about the passing day immortalizes each and every memory into an invisible book free from the boundaries of time. He will just look at his dried daisy framed on the wall, and all manners of eloquence and ideas pours forth from his mind into his hands.

That daisy was given to him by someone special. It was given by a person whom he loved deeply, and whose memories he cherished for forever. The daisy is a reminder of how stagnant time felt the very first time their eyes met. With the minuscule increment of time, he felt each and every surreal feeling inside his deeply wounded heart.

But one uneventful day under a beautiful cerulean sky, the daisy of September died. Somehow, and for some reason, it fell to the concrete floor. The glass that enclosed it from the living air shattered into three pieces: the shard of the past, the piece of the present, and the glimpse of the future. The unique redness of the daisy turned into a lifeless and depressing shade of brown. Its beauty turned into a mourned sorrow as time took its recourse on the flower made eternal by his love.

All Rolf could do was cry. Time moved on, but whether Rolf was left behind or not remained unknown.

---

Blog, sorry. Sadyang abala lang talaga ako at ang dami kong pinagdadaanan ngayon. Gusto ko nang sumuko, ngunit hindi ko rin alam kung bakit hindi ko kayang sumuko. Nalulungkot akong sabihin sa iyo na sa mga panahong ito, hindi ka makakatulong sa akin. Kailangan ko ng isang taong talagang makaiintindi ng aking kinalalagyan, ngunit iyan na rin ang problema: wala akong malapitan. Blog, sana kahit sa isang Sabado lang, maging tao ka at tulungan ako. Kailangan ko ngayon ng mayayakap.

Searchlights

You are, for contradiction's sake, everything I remember that I swore I'd forget.

I promised Melody Kay that I'll be posting this in my blog today.

I also dedicate this to all the people who have fallen in love and get hurt in the end, but always keeps a small fragment of that love no matter how wrong everything gets or how painful life turns out to be. To all you people, keep on holding on, because that day will eventually come when you will finally meet the one.

This is from "Searchlights" performed by David Cook.

Searchlights - David Cook

Why?

Yes, I woke up with a very different notion of "today" and "tomorrow" yesterday morning.

I do not exactly remember me thinking about monotonously depressing things that have happened in the past. I remember thinking about vector scaling as I closed my eyes and entered sleep. I don't know why I woke up yesterday morning with a familiar, depressing feeling of a burdened chest and a mind riddled with questions best left unanswered. I opened my eyes to one of those days that seemed the last. Putrid air reeking with a bleak tomorrow once again filled my helpless lungs, but there was nothing I could do but inhale the venom that poisoned me before. Gravity slowly won against my futile attempts to straighten up. My vision was blurred once more, as I did not recognize the unhappy face that stared back to me as I stood without confidence in front of the mirror.

I recognize this feeling.

I thought it was over. I knew it was over.

I don't want to be friends with them anymore. Maybe the pain I felt killed every single happy memory inside of me, and turned them into depressing shards of my life that ironically made me overcome sadness and deep despair. But the thing is, I cannot seem to let go of all the moments that we were together, happy and content with the company of each other. I cannot seem to let go of even a single one. Even if I try and try not to, those memories keep visiting my tired imagination over and over. My existence phases in and out of depressed conscious thought and oblivious tranced unconsciousness once again. My tears well up again since now, I struggle with myself not to feel any hatred since I was the one who committed the mistake that toppled everything.

Maybe I still want to become their friend. But maybe I hate them since they made me hate myself. I don't know.





I DON"T KNOW!




I am trapped within a new stasis of consequence. I did not choose to fall into another gorge of sorrow.

Why?

The Wind Encloses Me in Its Endearing Embrace (Beginnings and Endings Under a Starless Sky: Second Stasis)

"Time flies so fast, but it stagnates in the most difficult periods of life."

---

Last Thursday, Block N had some sort of a final (hopefully not yet) get together for the year. Some of us would be parted from the block for an entire year, since they would be with their JTA Blocks. The day started nicely, but it ended in me pouring my whole soul out in tears in front of Ding. So much for a happy get together for me, I guess.

Nelvin, along with Meki, Raisa, Ding, EJ, Raf, and Thomas picked me up at home. I wanted Nelvin to drop by because I didn't want to bring around the documents (specifically the blank check) he would be giving me since I would be the one proxying him for summer reg. After that, we went to Katipunan to pick up Mika, and after which we went to Sta. Lucia to bowl, where Gillian, Jam, and Yanyan were supposed to meet with us.

All of us were hungry. So we decided (no, actually someone did) to take a quick snack in Wendy's. But when we arrived there, I was not able to decide right away what I would eat. I was having an internal conflict since I am kuripot and did not know what to eat at the same time. As I stood there in front of the counter thinking of what to eat, people came flooding in. The line grew longer and longer, and I went outside and watched the fountains since I was still unable to resolve the kakuriputan that was going on inside of me. But when I started gazing downwards on the fountains, my brain instantly got filled with memories of the past. My consciousness started to wane as I delved deeper and deeper into those memories, until Meki approached me and snapped me out of the trance I was engaging myself with.

I ordered a large Burger Bacon Mushroom Melt combo, but to tell the truth, I was completely disappointed. That Burger Bacon Mushroom Melt wasn't the one I know years back. The buns were just regular ones, and the size shrank as if it underwent some kind of weight loss plan. It wasn't the same obese burger with soft buns encased in a styrofoam container. Well, at least menially it satisfied my hunger, enough for me not to feel the uncomfortable lurching of my stomach, imploring me to eat so it could digest something. After we ate, we went to the bowling lanes where we waited for a little while before Gillian, Jam, and Yanyan arrived.

It was my first time to play bowling. I always threw the heavy 12-pound bowling ball I was using to the gutter. Raf told me to make the ball my center of gravity at the moment I was about to release the ball to the lane. Ding told me to straighten my arm as I release the ball and not to point to the gutter. Well, no wonder I was always throwing fences. After those tips, I felt the rhythm somehow and started to bowl better. I scored a 97 with two consecutive strikes (well, only one was within my frame since Mika gave up).

It was fun to see everyone play. We would cheer whenever someone would get a strike or score a spare, and we would "sayang!" if the ball came so close to the last pin standing. It was also fun to see Gillian's super reverse spin technique, Nelvin's kneeling ball release (termed as St. Ignatius by Meki I think), Meki's freezing stance when she throws the ball, the professional approaches and releases of Raf, Ding, and Raisa, Mika's efforts to score successfully, and Jam's and Yan's laughs whenever they topple a pin down. We had a very nice time. Every one of us were just smiling and smiling since all of us were enjoying each and every moment that all of us were together.

We picked up Kara at Mini Stop before we went to EJ's place.

When we got there, Nelvin told all of us to go upstairs already since the ramps of the parking building were steep. But I stayed along since parking on the 7th floor isn't fun especially when the levels before that were virtually empty of cars. When Nelvin turned off the engine of his Adventure, I asked him if he could carry my bag to where the others was since I wanted to go somewhere else first. He agreed, and I accompanied him to the elevator.

I went to the rooftop. It was where I felt the wind envelop me in its chilly embrace. The wind rekindled memories that were deeply rooted in my heart. I was soon blurry-eyed with tears making my vision hazy, but the images that were filling my head were as clear as the moment they happened. I desperately questioned myself over and over and over again why everything has to happen, and why everything that I valued the most had to be that way. I sat by the ledge and raised my arms to embrace the wind as well, but all that remained were empty hopes which I continued to believe in because there was nothing else left but memories.

And then, a tear escaped my desperate attempt to remain strong.

At around 7pm, we ate dinner. It was weird that there were moments wherein no one was talking. Only the noise of spoons and forks, the monotonous hums of the electric fans, the splashes from the pool, and the occasional voices of people nearby were heard. After eating, others played Uno Stacko, while Yanyan beat me to a pulp in Tekken 5 (1-11, and his controller had a defect). Raf and the others played Guitar Hero afterwards, and I unconsciously asked Ding to leave and have a talk. I really did not know why I did that since I wanted to play Guitar Hero as well.

I told her that things looked as if they would never be alright again. She told me it looked that way, since she can look at it from both sides. It was just then that I told her that life is very, very, very unfair.

"Napakaunfair naman kasi ng buhay eh. I tried so hard to fight everything, pero parang walang nangyayari. Sinasabi nilang hindi ko raw iniintindi ang feelings ng iba, eh yun nga ang lagi kong ginagawa for over three months now. Nung time na nagpakita ako ng weakness kasi hindi ko na talaga kaya kasi hirap na hirap na talaga ako, yun pa ang nakita nila. Hindi ko naman ginustong mangyari ito... Gusto ko lang talagang maging katulad ng dati..."

And it was about that time when Ding dawned on me that they weren't sure if I'm still a friend to them or not. I cannot put into words what pain it dealt to me. All along, they are still my best friends, no matter what happened. I had been fighting to stay alive and be happy for them. It turns out I was fighting and struggling for nothing. I perpetually asked myself if that was the end of two friendships which have kept me strong and happy through the most difficult times.

Is it true that everything will end now?

Ding patiently comforted me. She kept reassuring me that she and the others would always be there when I needed them. I know, I know they would be there for me. I know that. I always knew that. Thank you for that.


"Ang baso bang butas, gagamitin mo?"
"Hindi."
"Hindi, unless lalagyan ng tape."

"Ang baso bang butas na tinakpan, gagamitin mo ba miski na meron namang basong hindi butas?"
"Hindi."
"Hindi, unless special yung baso na yun..."

I climbed once more to the rooftop. I literally covered my eyes to stop my tears from falling. Once I got there, I immediately looked at the sky.

It still remained starless like before.

I climbed the cold, steel railings and stood there. I slowly lifted my arms and tried to embrace the wind once more. The wind blew stronger and stronger, making me fall backward into the cold concrete floor. As I lied there, the wind gently enveloped me once again in its endearing embrace. It rekindled all the memories that were deeply rooted in my heart, but it took away all the happiness that was remaining inside of me. Blown by the wind, the hope of a better tomorrow slowly vanished into the distant horizon, but I remained there, stranded under a starless sky, embracing memories that mean everything to me.

Contentment

Kalokohan iyang transport strike na iyan. Hindi ko magets ang point kung bakit nila pineperwisyo ang mga nagkocommute. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit sila biglang mawawala sa daan, eh hindi naman siguro nagkocommute ang namamahala ng presyo ng krudo. Hindi ba? Salamat ha, wala kayo kanina. Hindi trapik. Walang sagabal at mga barumbadong driver ng jeep na ibaba ka sa susunod na kanto sa susunod na kilometro. Salamat ha, nakapag-exercise pa ako dahil nilakad ko mula Bahay ng Alumni hanggang UPIS dahil wala kayong mga driver na kayo. Salamat talaga, please accept my sincerest and most heart-felt gratitude.

Madali akong napapagod ngayon mga nakalipas na araw. Sabi ko nga sa ate ko, I feel lethargic once again. Siguro mataas ang sugar ng dugo ko o 'di naman kaya'y masyadong nagpoproduce ng bile ang aking liver. Ewan ko, ang labo naman kasi eh. Gusto kong lagi na lang akong tulog. Hindi lang dahil lagi akong pagod, pero dahil hindi ka nag-iisip habang tulog ka.

At least naman, medyo nakakausad na ang aming play sa Hi16. Sa susunod na Martes na kasi iyon eh. At least naman no. At dahil nagpractice kami kanina mula alas-3 ng hapon hanggang mga halos alas-7 ng gabi, napagod ako. Hindi naman ako mabilis mapagod, pero napagod talaga ako kanina. Hindi ko na alam, hindi ko na alam. Hindi naman ako puyat. Well, I think hindi naman ako puyat.

At kanina lang, tinext ako ni Jay Ann na pumanaw na raw ang kanyang nanay. Tinext ko siya kung ayos lang ba siya, at oo naman daw, ayos lang siya. Sorry talaga Jay Ann, hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat kong sabihin para kahit papaano, mabawasan ang lungkot na bumabalot sa iyong puso ngayon.

I'm such a failure.

Dahil nga grateful ako sa mga driver ng jeep, sumabay na lang ako kay Ding pauwi. Right after natapos kasi ang aming history practice, tinamaan na ako ng "pagod." Sinabi ko kay Ding how tired I was nung pauwi na kami.

"Grabe, napagod talaga ako. Ang bilis kong mapagod these days."
"Baka naman puyat ka."
"Hindi ah, pagdating ko nga sa bahay, natutulog na ako agad. Para na nga akong batugan eh."
"Baka naman marami ka lang iniisip.."

Pero may theory ako dito. Sinabi ko kay Ding na ang dami kong ayaw isipin kaya napapagod ako agad. Nagets naman yata ni Ding kung ano yung ibig kong sabihin. Pero yun nga, ang dami ko nga talagang iniisip.

Hay. And I thought everything will be alright.

But nag-usap ang dalawa kong best friends (or naging best friend, or whatever) tungkol sa Block N, kung papaano ito nagigng isang jigsaw puzzle. Sabi nila, dati raw, every piece of the puzzle fit perfectly. Pero ngayon daw, the pieces doesn't seem to fit perfectly anymore.

i'm trying my best
i just want everyone to be happy again
cguru iba na ang happiness kesa sa dati rudolf

I'm just too sensitive na talaga. Or maybe stupid to not see they are happy?

I want to give up. Pero hindi ko magawa. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, but giving up is something I am really incapable of.

I want to feel content. I'd rather be very sad but content rather than bluffing up an empty happiness.

Two Words

NaniniWALA

BeLIEving

A Week of Solitude

After a week, nothing has happened.

I want to fix everything that I may have caused harm, but an external force is prohibiting me from doing so.

I don't know.

I tried. But I'm tired. As soon as I stood up, as soon as I took my first step towards happiness, something just hits me somewhere inside my chest that I fall again. After telling myself to just stay down, I give myself another chance and start rising up again...

...only to fall once more...

...and rise in the end...

... to fall again...

...and stand-up...

...only to fall in the end...

...and give myself another chance...

...over...

...and over...

...again.

I wonder.

Maybe I'm just too complicated. A screen emits whenever a potential source of sadness comes near.

I miss them.

But they don't miss me.

Why bother? Tell me, why bother? Why bother bringing the happy days of the past back to the present when things cannot be the same way as they were?

Things change. Things have changed. I have changed.

I know I have time. But the thing is, do they? Will they wait for me?

I'm guessing they won't. I regret to tell myself that they have left me, in some way or another. They have left me, but I understand. It just saddens me to realize I have waited for them if they needed time, while I am here, talking to myself amidst my dark, closed world.

I don't know. I don't want to know.

Hopelessly Believing, Intangibly Embracing

Ding treated us to Yellow Cab earlier this afternoon. I tried to put up a smile, but I found it difficult to do so. I was not feeling very well, but I think I was successful in hiding the pain that was tormenting my head. While I rested my head on the table, I kept on thinking what was wrong with me. I want to talk to someone because I already miss that person badly, but I simply cannot do so. I just cannot figure out why. After I said my gratitude to Ding's kindness and generosity, we started to leave. I looked at their backs for a moment with a vision blurred by tears before waving goodbye to the people already leaving.

"I give up."

I will be probably fooling myself again. I always say to myself that I already give up, but deep, deep inside, I keep on holding on to what may seem intangible to other people. I keep on holding on because that intangible object I continue embracing inside of me is enough for me to face the problems that life brings me. I continue to hold back the tears that are welling up inside my eyes which are already tired of seeing myself blankly staring in the mirror. I keep on finding an ounce of strength that makes me get up from my beaten and painful knees after I take a fall. After a struggle in life, I always triumph in some sort of way only at the end of it all. But that very end is the start of a downfall which always happens, but always takes me falling downward at monochromatic speeds rather unprepared. I keep on stumbling down to my knees in agony and pain that is caused by myself, but I always find myself rising up, whether I like it or not.

And because of this, I am starting to hate myself once again.

I keep on giving up but I keep on struggling on to stand up once more, but then only for me to give up again. I'd rather stay down on my knees and weep for eternity if need be than to get hurt over and over and over again because of my own realizations and foolish dreams. I'd rather keep on isolating myself because it is in solitude that I found once more the separate peace that a best friend of mine and myself once had. I'd rather keep on yearning how great the past was rather than optimistically facing the present to build the future but fail to realize it in the end. Like I said before, I'd rather stay sad knowing that someday, I will be happy again rather than being happy but afraid that one day, I will fall into another seemingly inescapable pit of sorrow and despair. How ironic. Everything is an irony, anyway.

I just don't want to keep getting hurt anymore. I'm too beaten up emotionally already that even my physical body is getting its toll. Is that too selfish to ask, or even beg? Is that too great to dream and desire? Is everything always so near, yet so far? Is everything always hard to get and seemingly unreachable?

I just want to give up. But I can't.

Maybe life enjoys picking on and bullying helpless persons who keep in believing on what is hopeless and embracing what is intangible, no matter what.