Choose

Since the start of my semestral break, all I am doing here in the house is wake up, eat, play, take a bath, play some more, and sleep. Nothing has been happening in my life these past few weeks that have some deep impact on my monotonous activities as a student. Well, since school's out, nothing has been happening that I can call worthy of being blogged.

Maybe the lack of pressure in my life now is slowly draining away everything creative in my whole being. But as I experienced during the last few weeks of the past semester, too much pressure cooks a person into something bland, dull, rubbery, and tasteless. Every creative energy I had was diverted into nothing but schoolwork. There were nights when I shifted into the seventh out of the six gears I know I have. I had to type a truckload of reports for our sales and inventory management system project, study ten theses statements for my final oral exam, and study for countless hours for three subjects. I had to overclock myself since everything needed to be done at the same time, or else, all hell would break loose.

Recently, I have discovered in myself that I am a very indecisive person, indecisive to the point that the opportunity to choose passes away because of the very lengthy time I take to decide. I have always been telling myself that I'd rather not choose because I do not want to make a decision that I might regret in the end, but as I talk to people who are older than me, I discover that I want to choose both. I always look at both choices and want them equally as the other. I do not know if I get torn whenever I leave something behind for another, but the fact remains that most of the time, I lose both because I want the two of them badly. I ranted to a friend of mine how boring sembreak life was because there was nothing to do. I also told him how I hated the hell weeks in school since I can't afford to slack off.

Gian (10/15/2008 6:35:27 PM): make up your mind

Philosophy 101 has taught me that man is man because he has the ability to choose freely, and these decisions will affect his future.

I always have reasons to choose something and not to choose something. The problem is, I always have a reason for everything.

I'm just afraid.

Handwriting Test

Rudolf is moderately outgoing. His emotions are stirred by sympathy and heart rendering stories. In fact, he can be kind, friendly, affectionate and considerate of others. He has the ability to put himself into the other person's shoes.

Rudolf will be somewhat moody, with highs and lows. Sometimes he will be happy, the next day he might be sad. He has the unique ability to get along equally well with what psychology calls introverts and extroverts. This is because he is in between. Psychology calls Rudolf an ambivert. He understands the needs of both types. Although they get along, he will not tolerate anyone that is too "far out." He doesn't sway too far one way or the other.

When convincing him to buy a product or an idea, a heart rendering story could mean a great deal to him. He puts himself in the same situation as the person in the story, yet he will not buy anything that seems overly impractical or illogical. Rudolf is an expressive person. He outwardly shows his emotions. He may even show traces of tears when hearing a sad story.

Rudolf is a "middle-of-the-roader," politically as well as logically. He weighs both sides of an issue, sits on the fence, and then will decide when he finally has to. He basically doesn't relate to any far out ideas and usually won't go to the extreme on any issue.
People that write their letters in an average height and average size are moderate in their ability to interact socially. According to the data input, Rudolf doesn't write too large or too small, indicating a balanced ability to be social and interact with others.
Rudolf is secretive. He has secrets which he does not wish to share with others. He intentionally conceals things about himself. He has a private side that he intends to keep that way, especially concerning certain events in his past.In reference to Rudolf's mental abilities, he has a very investigating and creating mind. He investigates projects rapidly because he is curious about many things. He gets involved in many projects that seem good at the beginning, but he soon must slow down and look at all the angles. He probably gets too many things going at once. When Rudolf slows down, then he becomes more creative than before. Since it takes time to be creative, he must slow down to do it. He then decides what projects he has time to finish. Thus he finishes at a slower pace than when he started the project.

He has the best of two kinds of minds. One is the quick investigating mind. The other is the creative mind. His mind thinks quick and rapidly in the investigative mode. He can learn quicker, investigate more, and think faster. Rudolf can then switch into his low gear. When he is in the slower mode, he can be creative, remember longer and stack facts in a logical manner. He is more logical this way and can climb mental mountains with a much better grip.Rudolf is a practical person whose goals are planned, practical, and down to earth. This is typical of people with normal healthy self-esteem. He needs to visualize the end of a project before he starts. he finds joy in anticipation and planning. Notice that I said he plans everything he is going to do, that doesn't necessarily mean things go as planned. Rudolf basically feels good about himself. He has a positive self-esteem which contributes to his success. He feels he has the ability to achieve anything he sets his mind to. However, he sets his goals using practicality-- not too "out of reach". He has enough self-confidence to leave a bad situation, yet, he will not take great risks, as they relate to his goals. A good esteem is one key to a happy life. Although there is room for improvement in the confidence catagery, his self-perception is better than average.

Rudolf is sarcastic. This is a defense mechanism designed to protect his ego when he feels hurt. He pokes people harder than he gets poked. These sarcastic remarks can be very funny. They can also be harsh, bitter, and caustic at the same time.
Rudolf has a healthy imagination and displays a fair amount of trust. He lets new people into his circle of friends. He uses his imagination to understand new ideas, things, and people.

Take the test here.

Reality and Fantasy: at War

After defeating a kingdom's whole army and endlessly routing one enemy officer after the other, sleepiness came knocking on my tired eyes. After continuously firing arrows that split into massive shockwaves that stunned the enemy on the spot, I felt a bolt of sleepiness hit my impenetrable desire to play. The mighty swings of the Spirit Reaper and the alluring but deadly dances of Da Ji were defeated by the tired feeling that consumed me inside. It was time to leave the world Orochi had created to test his might against the heroes of history. The short arm of the clock at three and the long one at six bellowed a lullaby in irony. I had to go to sleep because if my parents were to catch me playing in such an unholy hour, I would be toast for good.

Still thinking about the game that I was playing for over two hours, I lied on my bed. Staring directly into the darkness where the ceiling painted like the sky was supposed to be, I kept thinking about Ina's fantastic attacks with her bow, Da Ji's chaotic disruption as she performs her attacks with her Spheres of Decay, and Orochi's massive pulse, flame, and lightning charge attack. I was silently washed away to the shores of sleep with these thoughts in mind. However, the calm crashing of the waves in the shoreline suddenly became a loud, dissonant noise that echoed infinitely into the remote distance.

Video games have always brought me a different kind of peace. The fragments of power and fantasy make me break free from the painful bonds of reality and bring me into a world where war and harmony exist side by side. It blinds the harsh realities that one has to face in life. The escape from reality that these games offer me has kept me sane in the rockiest rivers and roughest seas. However, one cannot escape reality as it always reveals itself to the consciousness of people. No matter how hard we try to run away from the real world, we still exist and move in real time and space. When we try to escape reality, we are simply deluding ourselves to a foolish sense of emancipation to freedom.

My mind suddenly went blank.

And then, it happened.



Masaya ba ako?



I have asked myself that question over and over again. But all I ever do is enter the fantasy world, hoping tomorrow will bring more enemies to knock out, more items to collect, and more strategies to foil. I simply load up a game and channel all my energies into completing the mission placed in front of me.

All I ever do is run away, once again hoping that tomorrow will be just the same as today.

A Crimson Tear Appears as Six

Solace found in inner peace,
What was lost seemed to be found.
A crying soul wanting to be free;
Eternity sadness surround.

Why is there happiness outside?
A smile always seen in your face.
Why is there loneliness inside?
Midnight tears flow without a trace.

Single?
Double?
Mingle?
Trouble?

In silence I find solace.
In darkness I find peace.
Sadness bleeds with the pain it inflicts;
A crimson tear appears as six.

Beat the Polygraph: The Moment of Truth (First Pulse)

The Moment of Truth is a game show wherein contestants, before the show, are asked fifty or more questions while they are connected to a polygraph. The contestants are asked to answer the questions as truthfully as they can, as the results of the test are not revealed to the contestants. During the show, he or she is asked twenty-one questions from the pool of questions they were asked during the lie-detector test. The questions progressively get more and more personal, and the contestant only has to answer these questions as truthfully as they can to win the half million dollars.

I was watching an episode of The Moment of Truth earlier this evening. It was amusing to watch the female contestant in her despair as she tried to contain her emotions. She endlessly shifted her bottom on her seat. She always sighed a big breath of relief whenever the female voice would say the word "TRUE". The questions revolved around her relationship with her current husband, which apparently was not her first, second, or third spouse. Very personal questions were thrown at her, but she all answered those truthfully. Her reveal that she would not marry her husband if he didn't had the money won her $100,000. But the question that made her win $200,000 was about her mother. She answered no when she was asked the question if her mother was terminally ill and wanted to end her life, would she do it or not.

As I was silently laughing at her struggle, thoughts came to my head. I told myself that one has no reason to worry if in all his or her life, he or she did not do anything that is against his or her conscience, or something embarrassing for the matter. I wondered what would happen to me if I was the one seated in that modern seat, being barraged with questions pertaining to the most private aspects of my life. Will I shift endlessly in the seat as well? Will I get teary-eyed when the host asks me a question about something that I never thought of even saying to my family?

Are people that desperate for money that they are willing to throw away their dignity and risk the most important relationships they have in their lives?

My Eye!

After playing for a week as Isabella of the Spanish in Civilization 4: Warlords from midnight until the faint blue color of the skies crept up my window, my right eye started to complain. It became sore most of the time, with me paying little or no attention to it. After a few days, the soreness went away, only to be replaced by an even more irritating counterpart, a stye. I woke up with my right eye jammed with a sticky and terribly grotesque paste. I will save the details (especially the color) because it will be enough for someone to hurl their week's worth of food or start a period of extreme loss of appetite of epic proportions.

I immediately told my sister who is a nurse about my awful right eyelid. At first, I thought it was a pimple since a dot of pus emerged from my eyelid, but upon further reasoning, my sister and I concluded that the horrible abomination that lived in my eyelid is nothing more but a kuliti. We figured that if it was a pimple, why was it in the eyelid, and not on the surface of it? She told me that these horrible things were caused by bacteria, hence the pus. As the day progressed, the dot of pus grew larger and larger. Every time I gingerly checked my eye, the small dot of discoloration grew more and more. It was like a small, yellow green balloon being inflated to its extremes.


And then, it happened.


Well, the discomfort of something always poking my eye is less now as compared to before. I guess I should start getting some sleep. Hell week has taken a chunk out of my resistance, and what I'm doing now isn't helping either.

Determination

I will try to break my bad habit of never finishing anything this break. I want to do a lot of things, but I might end up not finishing what I started in the end. I know that I have a lot of half-read books, unfinished artworks, and a lot of plans left hanging. I just don't know why my interest on things steeply reclines when I start doing them. The excitement I feel every time I plan to do something suddenly vanishes after a few days of doing whatever that thing is.

I guess I'm just a kind of person who can't handle things in the long run. If I do need to do something that would occupy my time for a while, I would make milestones in order for me to keep track and stay working on whatever that is. And I guess I'm someone who easily gets distracted since I have a lot of interests. I always want to try something new, but the thing is, I never get to finish what I started.

Or maybe because I don't want to improve? Or I don't want to succeed in my field? I dislike success, in some pathetic way or another. I keep on telling myself that I always want to stay low, hidden from the scrupulous stares and echoing murmurs of people in the big, bad world.

Weird. Just weird.

Sometimes, I just can't understand myself. Maybe I should be determined to fully know who I am?

Finally

Grabe. Sa wakas, sem break na ako. Hindi ko maipaliwanag kung bakit miski sem break na ako ngayon, hindi pa rin ako masaya. Dala siguro ito ng linggu-linggong pagpupuyat sa kakaaral para sa Ph101 Orals at kakagawa ng game script para sa game namin sa CS179.15A. Hindi rin masaya ma-pressure sa paggawa ng Final Systems Analysis and Design para sa aming information system project para sa CS123. Napaka-informative kasi ng specifications ni Ma'am Lovenia eh. Biruin mo, one or two liners lang yung instruction sa bawat part? I know, it's so ironic. Tinawag-tawag pa siyang specifications; siguro dahil magandang pakinggan. Well, lahat naman ata ng bagay sa mundo, ironic.

Mixed feelings ako ngayon. Natutuwa ako dahil wala nang pasok. Hindi ko na kailangan mag-struggle sa pakikinig kay Fr. Arcilla. Hindi ko na kailangan mag-aral for caches or for pipelined register paths para sa CS152 kasi baka may quiz next meeting. Wala na rin akong aalalahaning deliverable para sa CS123. Hindi ko na kailangang mag-alala na dapat maganda ang aming deliv dahil notorious si Ma'am Sandra for giving low grades. Pero, nalulungkot din ako kasi maaagnas na naman ako sa bahay sa loob ng isang buwan. Dahil wala na rin akong pasok, wala na akong baon. Matitigil na rin for the meantime ang aking pagpunta sa Timezone at pakikipagtsizmisan ko kay Ate Myles. Kung kailan naman nagkaroon ako ng interest sa paglalaro ng Tekken 6, saka naman mawawalan ako ng pera at hindi mapapadpad sa lugar na may Tekken 6.

Hindi rin kasi ako makapag-decide kung ano ba ang gagawin ko over the sembreak. Gusto kong mag-aral ng Flash Scripting and Animation. Gusto ko ring ipagpatuloy ang aking pagguhit dahil isang taon na yata noong ako'y huling humawak ng lapis at pambura at seryosong gumuhit, yung tipong pinagpuyatan at nilipasan ng gutom dahil hindi makuha ng tama ang itsura ng kamay. Pinag-iispan ko rin mag-apply sa mentorship program ng BlueBlade, dahil I feel worthless as a CS Major dahil kinakalawang na talaga ang aking programming skills. Gusto ko na ring matuto magmaneho past primera at magluto ng isang putahe maliban sa nilaga. Ang dami kong gustong gawin, pero hindi ko alam kung ano ang uunahin ko. I might end up doing nothing at all again.

Ang hirap ng sem na lumipas. Nahirapan talaga ako dahil puro mahihirap ang napili kong mga prof. Wala rin kasi akong nagawa dahil ang taas ng random number ko last sem. Well, at least naman, this coming sem, 15 na ang aking random number.

Sana naman, wala na akong professor na katulad ni Fr. Arcilla na napaka-closed-minded. Kung hindi ka magaling manghula kung ano ang kanyang iniisip, mababa ang makukuha mong mga grado. Kung hindi mo maintindihan ang kanyang librong puno ng sentences half a page long, magdurusa ka talaga. Wala naman na siguro akong prof na aalis papuntang Mexico ngayong dalawang linggo na lang, finals na. Ikukuwento ko lang na maraming naging athiest dahil hindi sinagot ng Diyos ang mga panalangin nilang "God, huwag na po siya sanang bumalik."

Si Sir Mariano naman kasi, siya pa rin ang aking prof para sa Ph102. Medyo mababa magbigay ng grado, pero maayos naman siyang magturo. At magiging prof ko pa rin naman ata si Sir Diy next sem. Well, sa tingin ko naman, prof ko ulit si Sir Jal next sem kasi CS179.15B na eh.

No comment na lang ako sa ibang professor na kailangan mag-ahit. Baka kailangan nila ng user manual sa kung papaano gumamit ng Gilette, o 'di naman kaya'y Shick?

Hay, pasensya ka na blog. Hindi kita nabigyan ng kaukulang atensyon sa nakalipas na Setyembre. 'Di bale, sisimulan ko na ulit magsulat sa iyo regularly.

Pero ngayon, magbabasa muna ako ng FAQ tungkol sa Civilization IV.