I will try to find solace and comfort in the things that make my life happy, and not to look at the things missing in my life that makes me sad...
But the thing is,
I am missing myself.
Am I?
I may be desperate for a meaningful answer,
but deep inside,
I know I can wait. I know I can.
Showing posts with label Resist or Desist?. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Resist or Desist?. Show all posts
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Desperate Measures [Act IV]
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Reality and Fantasy: at War
After defeating a kingdom's whole army and endlessly routing one enemy officer after the other, sleepiness came knocking on my tired eyes. After continuously firing arrows that split into massive shockwaves that stunned the enemy on the spot, I felt a bolt of sleepiness hit my impenetrable desire to play. The mighty swings of the Spirit Reaper and the alluring but deadly dances of Da Ji were defeated by the tired feeling that consumed me inside. It was time to leave the world Orochi had created to test his might against the heroes of history. The short arm of the clock at three and the long one at six bellowed a lullaby in irony. I had to go to sleep because if my parents were to catch me playing in such an unholy hour, I would be toast for good.
Still thinking about the game that I was playing for over two hours, I lied on my bed. Staring directly into the darkness where the ceiling painted like the sky was supposed to be, I kept thinking about Ina's fantastic attacks with her bow, Da Ji's chaotic disruption as she performs her attacks with her Spheres of Decay, and Orochi's massive pulse, flame, and lightning charge attack. I was silently washed away to the shores of sleep with these thoughts in mind. However, the calm crashing of the waves in the shoreline suddenly became a loud, dissonant noise that echoed infinitely into the remote distance.
Video games have always brought me a different kind of peace. The fragments of power and fantasy make me break free from the painful bonds of reality and bring me into a world where war and harmony exist side by side. It blinds the harsh realities that one has to face in life. The escape from reality that these games offer me has kept me sane in the rockiest rivers and roughest seas. However, one cannot escape reality as it always reveals itself to the consciousness of people. No matter how hard we try to run away from the real world, we still exist and move in real time and space. When we try to escape reality, we are simply deluding ourselves to a foolish sense of emancipation to freedom.
My mind suddenly went blank.
And then, it happened.
Masaya ba ako?
I have asked myself that question over and over again. But all I ever do is enter the fantasy world, hoping tomorrow will bring more enemies to knock out, more items to collect, and more strategies to foil. I simply load up a game and channel all my energies into completing the mission placed in front of me.
All I ever do is run away, once again hoping that tomorrow will be just the same as today.
Still thinking about the game that I was playing for over two hours, I lied on my bed. Staring directly into the darkness where the ceiling painted like the sky was supposed to be, I kept thinking about Ina's fantastic attacks with her bow, Da Ji's chaotic disruption as she performs her attacks with her Spheres of Decay, and Orochi's massive pulse, flame, and lightning charge attack. I was silently washed away to the shores of sleep with these thoughts in mind. However, the calm crashing of the waves in the shoreline suddenly became a loud, dissonant noise that echoed infinitely into the remote distance.
Video games have always brought me a different kind of peace. The fragments of power and fantasy make me break free from the painful bonds of reality and bring me into a world where war and harmony exist side by side. It blinds the harsh realities that one has to face in life. The escape from reality that these games offer me has kept me sane in the rockiest rivers and roughest seas. However, one cannot escape reality as it always reveals itself to the consciousness of people. No matter how hard we try to run away from the real world, we still exist and move in real time and space. When we try to escape reality, we are simply deluding ourselves to a foolish sense of emancipation to freedom.
My mind suddenly went blank.
And then, it happened.
Masaya ba ako?
I have asked myself that question over and over again. But all I ever do is enter the fantasy world, hoping tomorrow will bring more enemies to knock out, more items to collect, and more strategies to foil. I simply load up a game and channel all my energies into completing the mission placed in front of me.
All I ever do is run away, once again hoping that tomorrow will be just the same as today.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Sorry September
Rolf lives to write. Each and every day, he never fails to satiate his drive to write about life, love, and people. He vividly expresses his thoughts with colorful words fresh with the hues of happiness and greatness. His sentences bring music to the seemingly monotonous clicking of the keys of his old keyboard. His words containing the imagery of his boundless imagination and deep reflections about the passing day immortalizes each and every memory into an invisible book free from the boundaries of time. He will just look at his dried daisy framed on the wall, and all manners of eloquence and ideas pours forth from his mind into his hands.
That daisy was given to him by someone special. It was given by a person whom he loved deeply, and whose memories he cherished for forever. The daisy is a reminder of how stagnant time felt the very first time their eyes met. With the minuscule increment of time, he felt each and every surreal feeling inside his deeply wounded heart.
But one uneventful day under a beautiful cerulean sky, the daisy of September died. Somehow, and for some reason, it fell to the concrete floor. The glass that enclosed it from the living air shattered into three pieces: the shard of the past, the piece of the present, and the glimpse of the future. The unique redness of the daisy turned into a lifeless and depressing shade of brown. Its beauty turned into a mourned sorrow as time took its recourse on the flower made eternal by his love.
All Rolf could do was cry. Time moved on, but whether Rolf was left behind or not remained unknown.
---
Blog, sorry. Sadyang abala lang talaga ako at ang dami kong pinagdadaanan ngayon. Gusto ko nang sumuko, ngunit hindi ko rin alam kung bakit hindi ko kayang sumuko. Nalulungkot akong sabihin sa iyo na sa mga panahong ito, hindi ka makakatulong sa akin. Kailangan ko ng isang taong talagang makaiintindi ng aking kinalalagyan, ngunit iyan na rin ang problema: wala akong malapitan. Blog, sana kahit sa isang Sabado lang, maging tao ka at tulungan ako. Kailangan ko ngayon ng mayayakap.
That daisy was given to him by someone special. It was given by a person whom he loved deeply, and whose memories he cherished for forever. The daisy is a reminder of how stagnant time felt the very first time their eyes met. With the minuscule increment of time, he felt each and every surreal feeling inside his deeply wounded heart.
But one uneventful day under a beautiful cerulean sky, the daisy of September died. Somehow, and for some reason, it fell to the concrete floor. The glass that enclosed it from the living air shattered into three pieces: the shard of the past, the piece of the present, and the glimpse of the future. The unique redness of the daisy turned into a lifeless and depressing shade of brown. Its beauty turned into a mourned sorrow as time took its recourse on the flower made eternal by his love.
All Rolf could do was cry. Time moved on, but whether Rolf was left behind or not remained unknown.
---
Blog, sorry. Sadyang abala lang talaga ako at ang dami kong pinagdadaanan ngayon. Gusto ko nang sumuko, ngunit hindi ko rin alam kung bakit hindi ko kayang sumuko. Nalulungkot akong sabihin sa iyo na sa mga panahong ito, hindi ka makakatulong sa akin. Kailangan ko ng isang taong talagang makaiintindi ng aking kinalalagyan, ngunit iyan na rin ang problema: wala akong malapitan. Blog, sana kahit sa isang Sabado lang, maging tao ka at tulungan ako. Kailangan ko ngayon ng mayayakap.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Lost
I woke up at 9:15 this morning at the boisterous alarm of my phone. It had been probably ringing for over an hour. For a 10:30am class, that awakening from deep slumber was plain spectacular, as I needed to leave the house at least 45 minutes before my first class. And to add to that, it took me forever to complete my morning rituals. But my body filled with a certain sluggish feeling managed to miraculously prepare itself to leave the house at around 9:45am. My body hastily ate a meager breakfast, took a very brief bath, and dressed up in no time. I grabbed my things and bolted outside.
It is a custom of mine to tap my left pocket, then my right as I turn to Mt. Rainier.
I felt my handkerchief deep inside my left pocket. I remember going inside my parents' room to grab a hanky after I applied foot powder to of course, my feet.
I brushed my palm over my right pocket. Something felt missing.
The familiar bump on my right pocket was absent. The hard, rectangular shaped feeling was not present when I placed my palm on my pocket.
My phone was not there.
I hurried back as I winced at the glares of the workers I passed. I opened our gate, and headed straight to my room. As it turned out, my phone was covered by my blanket. I was too much in a hurry that I failed to properly fix my bed.
As I rushed to the main street of our subdivision, something kept popping in my mind. In the past, my phone was always ringing with text messages. I always kept it loud enough for me to hear if a message arrived. In school, I would secretly take my phone out of my pocket and hide it from my teacher's eyes and read whatever message had just arrived. My battery was always drained empty or was always low because of the constant ringing or vibration, activation of the screen, and sending of text messages. My thumbs, most of the time, were always pressing the keys of my phone in absolute speed and precision.
As I waited for a tricycle to take me outside, I constantly looked at my 43-minute advanced phone to take note of the time. I would open it slightly, just enough for the LCD on the top side of it to illuminate and display the time in big, bold, black numbers.
10:26
10:27
10:28
Minutes were ticking by. No tricycle appeared to give me a ride.
10:34
10:35
10:36
After an agonizing 10 minutes, I was able to get a tricycle.
It was almost 10:00am. I had almost less than 30 minutes to spare.
I sat behind manong tricycle's back and looked distantly at the scenes flying across my eyes like I always did. As the outside world became blurred with our velocity, I suddenly realized one thing:
I have never left behind my phone before. Never.
I never left it during the times when it was always humming silently in my right pocket, as it waited for me to see its pleasant surprise. It was always with me during the times when it was always loaded. It was always with me during the times I needed to plug my phone to charge it every other day, not like now that even after two days, it still has two out of the three bars lit.
10:37
10:38
10:39
10:40
But now, it tells nothing but time.
I don't need time. I'm tired of waiting.
It is a custom of mine to tap my left pocket, then my right as I turn to Mt. Rainier.
I felt my handkerchief deep inside my left pocket. I remember going inside my parents' room to grab a hanky after I applied foot powder to of course, my feet.
I brushed my palm over my right pocket. Something felt missing.
The familiar bump on my right pocket was absent. The hard, rectangular shaped feeling was not present when I placed my palm on my pocket.
My phone was not there.
I hurried back as I winced at the glares of the workers I passed. I opened our gate, and headed straight to my room. As it turned out, my phone was covered by my blanket. I was too much in a hurry that I failed to properly fix my bed.
As I rushed to the main street of our subdivision, something kept popping in my mind. In the past, my phone was always ringing with text messages. I always kept it loud enough for me to hear if a message arrived. In school, I would secretly take my phone out of my pocket and hide it from my teacher's eyes and read whatever message had just arrived. My battery was always drained empty or was always low because of the constant ringing or vibration, activation of the screen, and sending of text messages. My thumbs, most of the time, were always pressing the keys of my phone in absolute speed and precision.
As I waited for a tricycle to take me outside, I constantly looked at my 43-minute advanced phone to take note of the time. I would open it slightly, just enough for the LCD on the top side of it to illuminate and display the time in big, bold, black numbers.
10:26
10:27
10:28
Minutes were ticking by. No tricycle appeared to give me a ride.
10:34
10:35
10:36
After an agonizing 10 minutes, I was able to get a tricycle.
It was almost 10:00am. I had almost less than 30 minutes to spare.
I sat behind manong tricycle's back and looked distantly at the scenes flying across my eyes like I always did. As the outside world became blurred with our velocity, I suddenly realized one thing:
I have never left behind my phone before. Never.
I never left it during the times when it was always humming silently in my right pocket, as it waited for me to see its pleasant surprise. It was always with me during the times when it was always loaded. It was always with me during the times I needed to plug my phone to charge it every other day, not like now that even after two days, it still has two out of the three bars lit.
10:37
10:38
10:39
10:40
But now, it tells nothing but time.
I don't need time. I'm tired of waiting.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Why?
Yes, I woke up with a very different notion of "today" and "tomorrow" yesterday morning.
I do not exactly remember me thinking about monotonously depressing things that have happened in the past. I remember thinking about vector scaling as I closed my eyes and entered sleep. I don't know why I woke up yesterday morning with a familiar, depressing feeling of a burdened chest and a mind riddled with questions best left unanswered. I opened my eyes to one of those days that seemed the last. Putrid air reeking with a bleak tomorrow once again filled my helpless lungs, but there was nothing I could do but inhale the venom that poisoned me before. Gravity slowly won against my futile attempts to straighten up. My vision was blurred once more, as I did not recognize the unhappy face that stared back to me as I stood without confidence in front of the mirror.
I recognize this feeling.
I thought it was over. I knew it was over.
I don't want to be friends with them anymore. Maybe the pain I felt killed every single happy memory inside of me, and turned them into depressing shards of my life that ironically made me overcome sadness and deep despair. But the thing is, I cannot seem to let go of all the moments that we were together, happy and content with the company of each other. I cannot seem to let go of even a single one. Even if I try and try not to, those memories keep visiting my tired imagination over and over. My existence phases in and out of depressed conscious thought and oblivious tranced unconsciousness once again. My tears well up again since now, I struggle with myself not to feel any hatred since I was the one who committed the mistake that toppled everything.
Maybe I still want to become their friend. But maybe I hate them since they made me hate myself. I don't know.
I DON"T KNOW!
I am trapped within a new stasis of consequence. I did not choose to fall into another gorge of sorrow.
Why?
I do not exactly remember me thinking about monotonously depressing things that have happened in the past. I remember thinking about vector scaling as I closed my eyes and entered sleep. I don't know why I woke up yesterday morning with a familiar, depressing feeling of a burdened chest and a mind riddled with questions best left unanswered. I opened my eyes to one of those days that seemed the last. Putrid air reeking with a bleak tomorrow once again filled my helpless lungs, but there was nothing I could do but inhale the venom that poisoned me before. Gravity slowly won against my futile attempts to straighten up. My vision was blurred once more, as I did not recognize the unhappy face that stared back to me as I stood without confidence in front of the mirror.
I recognize this feeling.
I thought it was over. I knew it was over.
I don't want to be friends with them anymore. Maybe the pain I felt killed every single happy memory inside of me, and turned them into depressing shards of my life that ironically made me overcome sadness and deep despair. But the thing is, I cannot seem to let go of all the moments that we were together, happy and content with the company of each other. I cannot seem to let go of even a single one. Even if I try and try not to, those memories keep visiting my tired imagination over and over. My existence phases in and out of depressed conscious thought and oblivious tranced unconsciousness once again. My tears well up again since now, I struggle with myself not to feel any hatred since I was the one who committed the mistake that toppled everything.
Maybe I still want to become their friend. But maybe I hate them since they made me hate myself. I don't know.
I DON"T KNOW!
I am trapped within a new stasis of consequence. I did not choose to fall into another gorge of sorrow.
Why?
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Summer Classes : Dahil ba Mainit?
Grabe talaga yung init. Sobra na. Para nang turbo roaster (convection oven to be more correct) ang SOM203. Grabe ang init. Halos nakakainom ako ng isang litro ng tubig sa span ng dalawang oras. Ang init kasi talaga. Pero, hindi naman ako pinagpapawisan. Hindi rin nga pinagpapawisan ang classmates ko sa SA21 eh. Sobrang init, pero ang weird dahil hindi ka pinagpapawisan. Siguro dahil na rin naging inactive ang aking sweat glands kasi sobrang inantok ako kanina sa lecture ni Ms. Lopez. Puro examples kasi, as in puro examples talaga tungkol sa topic na social imagination. Well, hindi ko masasabing nagets ko talaga ng buong puso at kaluluwa yung lesson, pero nagets ko naman kahit papaano. May masasagot naman ako sayo kung itanong kung ano ang social imagination, yun nga lang, in my own unclear words. Hay basta. Parang connection between an individual and the society, how troubles and issues are related to each other, tapos parang may how social structures shape us as individuals shizzles pa yun. May paper na nga kaming due sa Friday eh. Susubukan ko nang gawin mamaya, tutal one page lang naman at double spaced pa. Wala rin siyang sinabing font, basta sabi niya sa amin, minimum of font size 11. Trebuchet MS 72 na lang gagamitin ko para madali at tapos na agad.
Kinailangan ko rin kanina ng 1x1 dahil dun sa secret problem ko. Well, problema ng pamilya ko. Buti na lang, nakasalubong ko si Krz pagkatapos ng aking SA21 class, at sa kanya ko nalaman na may Kodak pa pala sa may Katipunan. Kaso, isang oras ang kailangan hintayin para sa pagpaparecopy ng aking grad pic (oo, lahat ng requirements na kailangan ng picture, yung grad pic yung ibinibigay ko). So nagpunta na lang muna ako sa Webtown at naglaro ng DotA. Napilit akong ako nung katabi ko na sumali sa 3 on 3 miski na paulit-ulit kong sinasabi sa kaniya na noobie na ulit ako kasi nga ang tagal tagal ko nang hindi naglalaro. Well, ayos lang naman, ako yung fumirst blood kasi mukhang mas noob pa yata sa akin yung Sand King.
Ayun. Nung kinuha ko na yung picture ko, pinagpawisan na ako ng todo. Hindi na ako nakakain ng lunch kasi CS177 na after kong gawin yung kailangan kong gawin. Buti na lang, hindi ako nagkasakit kasi basa ako ng pawis at aircon ang F204.
Tinuloy namin ang history of computer graphics. Alam mo bang ang first full-length animated movie na nanalo sa Academy Awards ay ang Beauty and the Beast nung 1991? CG rendered daw yung ballroom dun sa scene na sumasayaw sina Belle at si Beast (ano nga ba talaga ang pangalan ni Beast?). Nagkaroon kami ng surprise quiz, at sad to say, 8/10 lang ako kasi hindi ko natandaan yung interaction part ng computer graphics at nalimutan ko yung world sa Westworld, yung first film ever to have CGs placed in it.
After ng CS177, kumain ako sa caf. Sumama sakin si Nelvin, at nakapag-usap kami ng mga bagay-bagay. Medyo matagal na rin kasi kaming hindi nakakapag-usap nitong si Nelvin dahil sa mga bagay na nangyari sa akin. Wala lang, masaya ako kanina kasi ang fun ng mga bagay na napag-usapan namin.
Pauwi, meron akong nakita. Hindi ko alam kung bakit nagsibalikan lahat nung mga alaalang nasimulan ko nang makalimutan kahit papaano. Biglang naubos yung mga thoughts ko tungkol dun sa pinag-usapan namin ni Nelvin at napunta lahat ng aking active memory dun sa mga memories na iyon. Hindi ko talaga alam kung bakit.
Baka dahil sa init.
---
It is not easy to forget since we cherish those memories in the most difficult of times.
- Orbiter
(paraphrased kasi hindi ko maalala yung exact words, hehe)
Kinailangan ko rin kanina ng 1x1 dahil dun sa secret problem ko. Well, problema ng pamilya ko. Buti na lang, nakasalubong ko si Krz pagkatapos ng aking SA21 class, at sa kanya ko nalaman na may Kodak pa pala sa may Katipunan. Kaso, isang oras ang kailangan hintayin para sa pagpaparecopy ng aking grad pic (oo, lahat ng requirements na kailangan ng picture, yung grad pic yung ibinibigay ko). So nagpunta na lang muna ako sa Webtown at naglaro ng DotA. Napilit akong ako nung katabi ko na sumali sa 3 on 3 miski na paulit-ulit kong sinasabi sa kaniya na noobie na ulit ako kasi nga ang tagal tagal ko nang hindi naglalaro. Well, ayos lang naman, ako yung fumirst blood kasi mukhang mas noob pa yata sa akin yung Sand King.
Ayun. Nung kinuha ko na yung picture ko, pinagpawisan na ako ng todo. Hindi na ako nakakain ng lunch kasi CS177 na after kong gawin yung kailangan kong gawin. Buti na lang, hindi ako nagkasakit kasi basa ako ng pawis at aircon ang F204.
Tinuloy namin ang history of computer graphics. Alam mo bang ang first full-length animated movie na nanalo sa Academy Awards ay ang Beauty and the Beast nung 1991? CG rendered daw yung ballroom dun sa scene na sumasayaw sina Belle at si Beast (ano nga ba talaga ang pangalan ni Beast?). Nagkaroon kami ng surprise quiz, at sad to say, 8/10 lang ako kasi hindi ko natandaan yung interaction part ng computer graphics at nalimutan ko yung world sa Westworld, yung first film ever to have CGs placed in it.
After ng CS177, kumain ako sa caf. Sumama sakin si Nelvin, at nakapag-usap kami ng mga bagay-bagay. Medyo matagal na rin kasi kaming hindi nakakapag-usap nitong si Nelvin dahil sa mga bagay na nangyari sa akin. Wala lang, masaya ako kanina kasi ang fun ng mga bagay na napag-usapan namin.
Pauwi, meron akong nakita. Hindi ko alam kung bakit nagsibalikan lahat nung mga alaalang nasimulan ko nang makalimutan kahit papaano. Biglang naubos yung mga thoughts ko tungkol dun sa pinag-usapan namin ni Nelvin at napunta lahat ng aking active memory dun sa mga memories na iyon. Hindi ko talaga alam kung bakit.
Baka dahil sa init.
---
It is not easy to forget since we cherish those memories in the most difficult of times.
- Orbiter
(paraphrased kasi hindi ko maalala yung exact words, hehe)
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Contentment
Kalokohan iyang transport strike na iyan. Hindi ko magets ang point kung bakit nila pineperwisyo ang mga nagkocommute. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit sila biglang mawawala sa daan, eh hindi naman siguro nagkocommute ang namamahala ng presyo ng krudo. Hindi ba? Salamat ha, wala kayo kanina. Hindi trapik. Walang sagabal at mga barumbadong driver ng jeep na ibaba ka sa susunod na kanto sa susunod na kilometro. Salamat ha, nakapag-exercise pa ako dahil nilakad ko mula Bahay ng Alumni hanggang UPIS dahil wala kayong mga driver na kayo. Salamat talaga, please accept my sincerest and most heart-felt gratitude.
Madali akong napapagod ngayon mga nakalipas na araw. Sabi ko nga sa ate ko, I feel lethargic once again. Siguro mataas ang sugar ng dugo ko o 'di naman kaya'y masyadong nagpoproduce ng bile ang aking liver. Ewan ko, ang labo naman kasi eh. Gusto kong lagi na lang akong tulog. Hindi lang dahil lagi akong pagod, pero dahil hindi ka nag-iisip habang tulog ka.
At least naman, medyo nakakausad na ang aming play sa Hi16. Sa susunod na Martes na kasi iyon eh. At least naman no. At dahil nagpractice kami kanina mula alas-3 ng hapon hanggang mga halos alas-7 ng gabi, napagod ako. Hindi naman ako mabilis mapagod, pero napagod talaga ako kanina. Hindi ko na alam, hindi ko na alam. Hindi naman ako puyat. Well, I think hindi naman ako puyat.
At kanina lang, tinext ako ni Jay Ann na pumanaw na raw ang kanyang nanay. Tinext ko siya kung ayos lang ba siya, at oo naman daw, ayos lang siya. Sorry talaga Jay Ann, hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat kong sabihin para kahit papaano, mabawasan ang lungkot na bumabalot sa iyong puso ngayon.
I'm such a failure.
Dahil nga grateful ako sa mga driver ng jeep, sumabay na lang ako kay Ding pauwi. Right after natapos kasi ang aming history practice, tinamaan na ako ng "pagod." Sinabi ko kay Ding how tired I was nung pauwi na kami.
"Grabe, napagod talaga ako. Ang bilis kong mapagod these days."
"Baka naman puyat ka."
"Hindi ah, pagdating ko nga sa bahay, natutulog na ako agad. Para na nga akong batugan eh."
"Baka naman marami ka lang iniisip.."
Pero may theory ako dito. Sinabi ko kay Ding na ang dami kong ayaw isipin kaya napapagod ako agad. Nagets naman yata ni Ding kung ano yung ibig kong sabihin. Pero yun nga, ang dami ko nga talagang iniisip.
Hay. And I thought everything will be alright.
But nag-usap ang dalawa kong best friends (or naging best friend, or whatever) tungkol sa Block N, kung papaano ito nagigng isang jigsaw puzzle. Sabi nila, dati raw, every piece of the puzzle fit perfectly. Pero ngayon daw, the pieces doesn't seem to fit perfectly anymore.
i'm trying my best
i just want everyone to be happy again
cguru iba na ang happiness kesa sa dati rudolf
I'm just too sensitive na talaga. Or maybe stupid to not see they are happy?
I want to give up. Pero hindi ko magawa. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, but giving up is something I am really incapable of.
I want to feel content. I'd rather be very sad but content rather than bluffing up an empty happiness.
Madali akong napapagod ngayon mga nakalipas na araw. Sabi ko nga sa ate ko, I feel lethargic once again. Siguro mataas ang sugar ng dugo ko o 'di naman kaya'y masyadong nagpoproduce ng bile ang aking liver. Ewan ko, ang labo naman kasi eh. Gusto kong lagi na lang akong tulog. Hindi lang dahil lagi akong pagod, pero dahil hindi ka nag-iisip habang tulog ka.
At least naman, medyo nakakausad na ang aming play sa Hi16. Sa susunod na Martes na kasi iyon eh. At least naman no. At dahil nagpractice kami kanina mula alas-3 ng hapon hanggang mga halos alas-7 ng gabi, napagod ako. Hindi naman ako mabilis mapagod, pero napagod talaga ako kanina. Hindi ko na alam, hindi ko na alam. Hindi naman ako puyat. Well, I think hindi naman ako puyat.
At kanina lang, tinext ako ni Jay Ann na pumanaw na raw ang kanyang nanay. Tinext ko siya kung ayos lang ba siya, at oo naman daw, ayos lang siya. Sorry talaga Jay Ann, hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat kong sabihin para kahit papaano, mabawasan ang lungkot na bumabalot sa iyong puso ngayon.
I'm such a failure.
Dahil nga grateful ako sa mga driver ng jeep, sumabay na lang ako kay Ding pauwi. Right after natapos kasi ang aming history practice, tinamaan na ako ng "pagod." Sinabi ko kay Ding how tired I was nung pauwi na kami.
"Grabe, napagod talaga ako. Ang bilis kong mapagod these days."
"Baka naman puyat ka."
"Hindi ah, pagdating ko nga sa bahay, natutulog na ako agad. Para na nga akong batugan eh."
"Baka naman marami ka lang iniisip.."
Pero may theory ako dito. Sinabi ko kay Ding na ang dami kong ayaw isipin kaya napapagod ako agad. Nagets naman yata ni Ding kung ano yung ibig kong sabihin. Pero yun nga, ang dami ko nga talagang iniisip.
Hay. And I thought everything will be alright.
But nag-usap ang dalawa kong best friends (or naging best friend, or whatever) tungkol sa Block N, kung papaano ito nagigng isang jigsaw puzzle. Sabi nila, dati raw, every piece of the puzzle fit perfectly. Pero ngayon daw, the pieces doesn't seem to fit perfectly anymore.
i'm trying my best
i just want everyone to be happy again
cguru iba na ang happiness kesa sa dati rudolf
I'm just too sensitive na talaga. Or maybe stupid to not see they are happy?
I want to give up. Pero hindi ko magawa. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, but giving up is something I am really incapable of.
I want to feel content. I'd rather be very sad but content rather than bluffing up an empty happiness.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Regret
I didn't want to say this again, but I think I'm in a new state of sadness due to a strong feeling of regret. I'm happy in some particular level, but again, things do happen making me feel unneeded and eventually disliked. I hate how sensitive I have become.
For the past few days, I have been fighting this new enemy named regret. I know I have nothing to regret about, but here I am, tears welling in sadness, missing the people I was with in the past, the past which seems very, very different from today.
I just don't know. Maybe I'll be better tomorrow. Maybe I'll be better later. Maybe I won't get better anytime soon.
And just to tell you, I lost 8 hard-earned pounds because I was sick for a full 5 days. I have cough which isn't getting any better, and just recently, I am feeling some chest and back pains, not to mention the headaches that crack my head from time to time.
Am I just a selfish person who wants to be happy again? Or am I someone who just never gets things right? Maybe both.
As a friend, I just want to be with someone again. I feel trapped.
It is difficult to be happy when deep inside, you know you aren't. It is not an easy task to stay strong when your source of strength has ran away from you. It is tiring to stay happy when regret fills your beaten emotions.
But I'll wait. I was given a chance to start over. I'll wait, no matter how hard things could possibly get.
I'll wait. But I guess I'm not strong enough to stay happy. I'm not strong enough to hide and carry the burden of what I said.
But I'll wait and continue fighting. I just really want to be happy or at least content again.
For the past few days, I have been fighting this new enemy named regret. I know I have nothing to regret about, but here I am, tears welling in sadness, missing the people I was with in the past, the past which seems very, very different from today.
I just don't know. Maybe I'll be better tomorrow. Maybe I'll be better later. Maybe I won't get better anytime soon.
And just to tell you, I lost 8 hard-earned pounds because I was sick for a full 5 days. I have cough which isn't getting any better, and just recently, I am feeling some chest and back pains, not to mention the headaches that crack my head from time to time.
Am I just a selfish person who wants to be happy again? Or am I someone who just never gets things right? Maybe both.
As a friend, I just want to be with someone again. I feel trapped.
It is difficult to be happy when deep inside, you know you aren't. It is not an easy task to stay strong when your source of strength has ran away from you. It is tiring to stay happy when regret fills your beaten emotions.
But I'll wait. I was given a chance to start over. I'll wait, no matter how hard things could possibly get.
I'll wait. But I guess I'm not strong enough to stay happy. I'm not strong enough to hide and carry the burden of what I said.
But I'll wait and continue fighting. I just really want to be happy or at least content again.
Monday, March 3, 2008
-.-.-----.--..-....-.-..--..----....: .---..-..-. .--.-.. .---..-..-.
......-.-.... -.---- -..- -.-.-...---..- .-.-...--- -.-.---.--. -....--.-..-.-.-.- .--..-.-..--.--. ...-...--.--. -........... -.---- -..--.--. .....-..-....--.....-.--. .-..-.......-.-.... -.---- -..- .-.-...--- -.-.---.--. -....--.-..---..--.-..-. .--...-.--- -.--.---. -.--..- -.-.-...---..---..-- -..-.--..---.-.-----.--..-....-.-..--.-.. -.---- -..- -.-.-...---..- .....--..--.-.---.-.-.-
.--..-.-..- .--.-----.--. ..--.--. -.-.-......-.-.- .-...---... -..- .-...--.--. .--.-----.--. .--..----.-.--..-...----.- ....- ......--.--. ...-.--. ---..-. -....--..-..........----..-.-.- .......-............. -.---- ..---- ....- ----..- .-..--..-.-..-.-.. ---.---.....-... ..-.---.-.-.-.....--..-- .--...-.--- .--.--. -------------..-- .--.---- .--.--. --..----.---..-.--.- -.--. ----..- .....-.--.--..----.... -..- -.-.---.--. ....-.--. -..---...--...-.--. .--..-.----.. .--.---- ....- -.....-.--...- -.--. -....--..-..........----..-.-.- -.-.-....-.-...--..--. -.---- -.--..- -.-.-...---..-.-.-.- ..-.--.--.----.--. -.---- .-...--.--. -..---.--. -.-.---.--. .--.--.--.. -..- -....- ......-...---..-- .--...-.--- .-...---...-.--. .-..-..--.--.--.. -..- .--.----.-..-. .--.--. .-...----.-.-...--....-... ....- ----..- .-...--..... -.----.-.-.- -..-.............-..-.--..--. -..- .-...-. .....--..--.-.--- .--.----.-.-.- --.--.-.--.---... .--.--. -.--.-..----.--. -....--.--.--.--..-- ......-.-.... -.---- --.-.--..--....--.-.-...-.--.--. ......-.-.... .--..- .-...-. .--.---- ....--..--.-- .----.--.--.. -.--. --.---.-......-.-.-.-
.--..-.-..--.--. -.-.--...-..- .-...--.--..-.-.- --.-....--.--.- -..- .--.---- -.-.--...-..- -.-.-..... -..---.-.-.-.--.-----... -..- -.-.---..--..-- .--...-.--- ..-.---.-. ...-----. .-...-...----.--..-- -..---.--. .--..-.--.--.. -..- .--.------..-- -....----.-.-....-.- -..- -..---.--. .--.---- ....- ......--.--. --.-.......-..-.--. -..- ....-.--..--- -.--. .--..---.-.-.-.-...---.--.-.-----.-.-.- .-- .-....-...- -..---.--. -.--..--.------.--..-- .....-..-....--..... -.---- -..--.--. -..-.-...--.-...---.--.-.----- -..- -..---.--. .--.------..-- .--...-.--- -..--.-.--.-.--...----......-. -..- -..- .-...---... -..- .-...--.--. .--.-----.--. -..-.-...--.-...---.--.-.-----.-.-.- ......-.-.... -.---- -..- -.-.-...---..- .-.-...---.-.-.-
--.-....---.- -....--.--. .....--.--..-.-...-. .--.--. ......--.--. -..--.-.-.-.....--..-... -..- -.-.---.--. ....-.--. --.-....--.--.- -.-.---..-.--. .-...-.....--..--.. --- -.-.-...-...--.--..--. -.---- -..- -....- -.-.-...---..--.--. ...--.--..--. .--.--. .-...-.....-- -.-.---.--. ....-.--. -.---- ..---- ..-....--.--. .-- --.---......--.--.-...- -.--. .--..--...-....---.---..--.. ......-.-.... -.---- .-.-...--- -.-.---.--. -.-.--.-.--.--.--...-. -.-----.--. --.---.-......-.-.-.- -.--.---. -.--..- ......-.-.- -.--.---. .--.--. .--..-.----....-...--.-.-.-.- ......-.-.... -.---- -.-.--.--.--.--. --.---.-......-.-.-.-
--.-...-.--.--..--- .-...--.--. -....- .--.-----.--. .----.-.-....- ....- .--.-.-...-..--.. ......-.-.....-.-.- -..--...-....--.-.-...- .--..- .-...-. .--.---- -..- --.--.-- --.-.-.-....-.....--. .--..- .-...-. ....- -.-.--.-.--.-.-.-.- -..--...-....--.-.-...- .--..- .-...-. .--.---- -..- --.--.-- --.-.-.-....-.....--. .--.---- ....- .--.-..-.--. ....-.-....-.....-.-.- ......-.-.... -.---- -..- -.-.-...---..- .-.-...---.-.-.-
.--...-.--- .....--...-.-.-
Happy 53rd birthday Mamie.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Tapikin mo Siya at Yakapin nang Mahigpit
Hindi ko na talaga alam kung anong nangyayari sa akin.
Lagi na lang akong nagkakaganito talaga. Nakakainis na nakalulungkot dahil hindi ko magawan ng paraan. Sasaya na ako, pero magkakaroon ako ng isang over-emotional sensitivity overload na pupuwersa sa akin para maging malungkot na naman. Masyado kasi akong naniniwala na maaari pang maibalik ang dati, ang dating maayos naman ang lahat, ang dating masaya kaming dalawa.
parang hindi na kasi maibabalik sa dati ang lahat
malay mo
Hindi ko na talaga alam. Napakatanga ko na marahil upang hindi maramdaman ang gusto kong maramdaman, samantalang ginagampanan naman niya ang kanyang nararapat na gawin, ayon sa isa kong kaibigang napalayo sa akin dahil na rin sa "problema" kong ito.
confidential un i trust you
oo nmn
gusto kong sabihin sayo kasi magiging unfair naman sayo
hindi ko lang sinabi agad dahil may problema ka
ah
salamat
Ewan ko na talaga. Hindi ko na alam. Nararamdaman ko na talaga na nagkakaroon na ako ng isa pang pagkatao, maliban sa tatlong pamamaraan ko ng pag-iisip. Ayon sa math, 2 pagkatao at 3 pamamaraan ng pag-iisip ay nangangahulugang 6 na posibleng pagsasama (2 x 3 = 6 kung hindi mo nakuha kung bakit). Ewan ko na talaga. Hindi ko alam. Hindi naman ako ganito, at baka nga nangangahulugang ngang hindi na maaaring maibalik ang dati. Isa ka kasing hangal. Tonto. Bulag ka pala, bulag.
naaapektuhan na ba kita?
medyo
sorry
masyado ba akong complicated?
mas complicated ka sa iba
Hay. Muntik ko pang ibagsak ang Dragon Blade kanina.
Nakakaiyak. Nakakaiyak. Hindi ko na talaga alam ang nangyayari sa sarili ko. Gusto ko nang tumalon patungo sa kawalan para maging malaya sa masakit na mundong aking ikinukumot sa aking sarili. Gusto kong lumipad at madama ang hangin sa aking mukha. Gusto kong humimpapawid at tumungo sa isang lugar kung saan masaya ang lahat. Katulad na marahil ako ng aking saranggola. Gustong nang maging malaya at maiangat ang sarili mula sa malungkot na lupa patungo sa yakap ng hangin na puno ng pag-asa, ngunit lagi na lamang may nangyayaring hindi kanais-nais kaya't laging nauudlot ang inaasam na tunay na ngiti sa labi.
Nakakaiyak. Isa akong taksil. Taksil sa iba, at taksil sa ibang taong mahal na mahal ko bilang mga kaibigan.
basta, ikaw ang best friend ko sa college
sorry
best friend mo pala ako pero ginaganito kita
Kaya naman nauuwi sa mga bagay na bumabaon sa iyong utak at dahan-dahang tumatarak sa iyong damdaming kababangon pa lamang mula sa isang masakit na pagkakarapa.
pede ba ulit akong maging kaibigan mo?
hindi ba kita kaibigan?
eh best friend?
pwede
ikaw bahala
kahit ano ayos lang skin
Sawa na ako sa kaalatan ng aking mga luha.
Ngunit ako'y umaasa pa rin. Ayaw ko lamang ipakitang ako'y nananalig dahil hindi ko na kayang saktan ang aking sarili. Hindi ko na kayang yakapin ang aking sarili dahil na rin hindi ko na kilala ang aking sarili. Kasalanan kong lahat.
hindi mo kasalanan lahat rudolf
eh di kasalanan nino?
hindi ko alam, pero huwag mong isisi ang lahat sa iyo
Naduduwal ako dahil umiikot ang paningin ko. Hindi ko kasi alam kung umiikot ba ang mundo ko o kung ako lang iyon. Kailangan ko na talaga siguro ng antipara.
At hindi ko rin maipaliwanag nang mabuti sa aking sarili kung bakit ang isang tapik sa balikat ay mas matimbang pa sa dalawang oras ng patuloy na pakikipag-usap tungkol sa mga bagay-bagay.
Marahil, ito ang nabibigay sa akin ng lakas at tatag upang magpatuloy.
Pero baka ito rin ang dahilan ng pagkawala ng pagkabulag ko sa katotohanan. Hindi ko na alam. Siguro, nakikita ko na talaga ang katotohanan, ngunit binubulag ko ang aking sarili dahil ayaw ko nang masaktan.
Pero nauuwi rin ang lahat sa wala. Lahat ng mga paglaban ko, nawuuwi sa kawalan.
Kaligayahan, yakapin mo ako. Kung ako ma'y pinandidirihan mo, yakapin mo na lang siya nang mahigpit para sa akin.
Tapikin mo siya at yakapin nang mahigpit dahil hindi mo alam kung makikita mo pa siya bukas.
Lagi na lang akong nagkakaganito talaga. Nakakainis na nakalulungkot dahil hindi ko magawan ng paraan. Sasaya na ako, pero magkakaroon ako ng isang over-emotional sensitivity overload na pupuwersa sa akin para maging malungkot na naman. Masyado kasi akong naniniwala na maaari pang maibalik ang dati, ang dating maayos naman ang lahat, ang dating masaya kaming dalawa.
parang hindi na kasi maibabalik sa dati ang lahat
malay mo
Hindi ko na talaga alam. Napakatanga ko na marahil upang hindi maramdaman ang gusto kong maramdaman, samantalang ginagampanan naman niya ang kanyang nararapat na gawin, ayon sa isa kong kaibigang napalayo sa akin dahil na rin sa "problema" kong ito.
confidential un i trust you
oo nmn
gusto kong sabihin sayo kasi magiging unfair naman sayo
hindi ko lang sinabi agad dahil may problema ka
ah
salamat
Ewan ko na talaga. Hindi ko na alam. Nararamdaman ko na talaga na nagkakaroon na ako ng isa pang pagkatao, maliban sa tatlong pamamaraan ko ng pag-iisip. Ayon sa math, 2 pagkatao at 3 pamamaraan ng pag-iisip ay nangangahulugang 6 na posibleng pagsasama (2 x 3 = 6 kung hindi mo nakuha kung bakit). Ewan ko na talaga. Hindi ko alam. Hindi naman ako ganito, at baka nga nangangahulugang ngang hindi na maaaring maibalik ang dati. Isa ka kasing hangal. Tonto. Bulag ka pala, bulag.
naaapektuhan na ba kita?
medyo
sorry
masyado ba akong complicated?
mas complicated ka sa iba
Hay. Muntik ko pang ibagsak ang Dragon Blade kanina.
Nakakaiyak. Nakakaiyak. Hindi ko na talaga alam ang nangyayari sa sarili ko. Gusto ko nang tumalon patungo sa kawalan para maging malaya sa masakit na mundong aking ikinukumot sa aking sarili. Gusto kong lumipad at madama ang hangin sa aking mukha. Gusto kong humimpapawid at tumungo sa isang lugar kung saan masaya ang lahat. Katulad na marahil ako ng aking saranggola. Gustong nang maging malaya at maiangat ang sarili mula sa malungkot na lupa patungo sa yakap ng hangin na puno ng pag-asa, ngunit lagi na lamang may nangyayaring hindi kanais-nais kaya't laging nauudlot ang inaasam na tunay na ngiti sa labi.
Nakakaiyak. Isa akong taksil. Taksil sa iba, at taksil sa ibang taong mahal na mahal ko bilang mga kaibigan.
basta, ikaw ang best friend ko sa college
sorry
best friend mo pala ako pero ginaganito kita
eh best friend?
At hindi ko rin maipaliwanag nang mabuti sa aking sarili kung bakit ang isang tapik sa balikat ay mas matimbang pa sa dalawang oras ng patuloy na pakikipag-usap tungkol sa mga bagay-bagay.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Mga Tanong, mga Sagot (Q&A kung Sosyal Ka)
Katatapos lamang ng Ps140 class ko. Gutom na ako kaya't nagpunta kami sa caf upang kumain. Umakyat ako sa caf up upang bumili ng aking pangkaraniwang kunin-mo-ang-iyong-buhay (take-your-life) barbeque, isa sa mga core components ng aking Tuesday-Thursday nagtitipid-kasi-ako meal. To my horror, wala silang barbeque, at noong tinanong ko sina ate kung magkakaroon ba sila anytime later, bigla niya akong tinapunan ng isang barrage of questions na hindi ko alam kung saan ba nanggaling.
Q: Hi.
A: Hello?
Q: Spell "FUSCHIA"
A: Um.. F-U-C-H.. Ay parang mali. F-U-S-H-I-A hindi hindi! P-I-N-K. Yun.
Q: Anong araw ngayon? Anong date? May date ka ba?
A: Thursday ngayon, February 21, 2008. Wala. Hindi kita type, if ever.
Q: Anong course mo?
A: BS Computer Science.
Q: How will you program the relation of the colors fuschia, pink, emerald, royal blue, asparagus green, canary yellow, and periwinkle to the current ZTE Scandal?
A: They should all go busy themselves with coloring books. I will program a coloring book that will make them all shut up.
Q: Impressive. Sino ang ika-5 presidente ng Tajikistan?
A: Si Tajiri? Ewan ko ate, babai.
Matapos maweirduhan kay ate All-About-Q's, sinabi ko sa sarili ko na siomai rice na lang ang kakainin ko. Siguro naman, mas matino si ate dahil puro steam lang ang nalalanghap niya, hindi katulad ni ate sa itaas na malamang na-lead poisoning na or whatever. Ngunit to my disbelief, nagsimula rin ang weird, weird, weirdness ni ate.
Q: なにをたべますか？
A: えええー？ ショマイライセです。
Q: OKAY, whatever. Who do you consider as friends?
A: My friends?
Q: Describe them please. Use vivid adjectives and engaging verbs, if possible. Oh yes, please do not exceed 10 pages, use Garamond font size 12, double spaced, 1" margin on all sides.
A: They are my friends. They are human, and are from Block N.
Q: So kumusta ka naman? Mabuti na ba ang iyong pakiramdam?
A: Okay naman. Um, hindi naman ako nagkasakit ah.
Q: Hindi. I mean yung nasa loob mo. Kamusta na ang iyong feelings?
A: If you want feelings, bumili ka sa Waffle Time! Bumili ka ng Vavarian Feeling!
Ano ba yun? Stalkress? Or pakialamera? Or simpleng concerned lamang? Well, at least naman, ibinigay niya muna sa akin yung siomai rice ko bago niya ako ininterrogate. Kahit ayaw ko nang bumili dahil baka tanungin na naman ako ng kung anu-ano, nagpunta pa rin ako kay kuya upang bumili ng extra half rice. Hay salamat naman, hindi niya ako finireak out. Nginitian niya lamang ako ng malaswa. Hinubaran niya ako gamit ang kanyang mga matang malagkit ang tingin sa akin. Buti na lamang, hindi niya ako nahubaran ng todo, kung hindi, iskandalo yun.
Pauwi, nakatiyempo agad ako ng jeep na San Mateo-Maly ang ruta. Nagbayad ako.
Q: Saan 'to?
A: Sa Filinvest I po. Studyante.
Q: San ka nag-aaral?
A: Ha? Ako? Sa UP. [hmp, pakialamero]
Q: Kumusta na mga kaibigan mo?
A: Ano po?
Q: Kumusta na pakikitungo mo sa kanila?
A: Ha?
Q: Kumusta naman ang pakikitungo nila sa iyo?
A: Ayos naman.
Q: Eh yung isa?
A: Sino? Siya? Oo, hindi pa po siya nagbabayad.
Q: Kaibigan mo ba siya?
A: Hindi ko nga siya kilala eh. [putangna mo pakialamero!]
Q: Hindi. Kaibigan mo pa ba siya miski "bahala ka, Rudolf"?
A: SA KANTO LANG PO! PUTANGNA MO!
Nakita ko sa jeep: "DESTINY is a MATTER of CHOICE"
At isang vandal sa may Katipunan: beLIEve
Lahat ng tanong, may sagot. Lahat ng tanong, may sagot na maaaring alam mo na. Lahat ng tanong, may sagot na maaaring alam mo na at ayaw mo lang tanggapin. Lahat ng tanong, may sagot na maaaring alam mo na at ayaw mo lang tanggapin dahil natatakot kang masaktan. Lahat ng tanong, may sagot na maaaring alam mo na at ayaw mo lang tanggapin dahil natatakot kang masaktan dahil paulit-ulit ka nang nasasaktan. Lahat ng tanong, may sagot na maaaring alam mo na at ayaw mo lang tanggapin dahil natatakot kang masaktan dahil paulit-ulit ka nang nasasaktan dahil na rin sa sarili mong kagagawan.
Lahat ng tanong, may sagot.
Q: Hi.
A: Hello?
Q: Spell "FUSCHIA"
A: Um.. F-U-C-H.. Ay parang mali. F-U-S-H-I-A hindi hindi! P-I-N-K. Yun.
Q: Anong araw ngayon? Anong date? May date ka ba?
A: Thursday ngayon, February 21, 2008. Wala. Hindi kita type, if ever.
Q: Anong course mo?
A: BS Computer Science.
Q: How will you program the relation of the colors fuschia, pink, emerald, royal blue, asparagus green, canary yellow, and periwinkle to the current ZTE Scandal?
A: They should all go busy themselves with coloring books. I will program a coloring book that will make them all shut up.
Q: Impressive. Sino ang ika-5 presidente ng Tajikistan?
A: Si Tajiri? Ewan ko ate, babai.
Matapos maweirduhan kay ate All-About-Q's, sinabi ko sa sarili ko na siomai rice na lang ang kakainin ko. Siguro naman, mas matino si ate dahil puro steam lang ang nalalanghap niya, hindi katulad ni ate sa itaas na malamang na-lead poisoning na or whatever. Ngunit to my disbelief, nagsimula rin ang weird, weird, weirdness ni ate.
Q: なにをたべますか？
A: えええー？ ショマイライセです。
Q: OKAY, whatever. Who do you consider as friends?
A: My friends?
Q: Describe them please. Use vivid adjectives and engaging verbs, if possible. Oh yes, please do not exceed 10 pages, use Garamond font size 12, double spaced, 1" margin on all sides.
A: They are my friends. They are human, and are from Block N.
Q: So kumusta ka naman? Mabuti na ba ang iyong pakiramdam?
A: Okay naman. Um, hindi naman ako nagkasakit ah.
Q: Hindi. I mean yung nasa loob mo. Kamusta na ang iyong feelings?
A: If you want feelings, bumili ka sa Waffle Time! Bumili ka ng Vavarian Feeling!
Ano ba yun? Stalkress? Or pakialamera? Or simpleng concerned lamang? Well, at least naman, ibinigay niya muna sa akin yung siomai rice ko bago niya ako ininterrogate. Kahit ayaw ko nang bumili dahil baka tanungin na naman ako ng kung anu-ano, nagpunta pa rin ako kay kuya upang bumili ng extra half rice. Hay salamat naman, hindi niya ako finireak out. Nginitian niya lamang ako ng malaswa. Hinubaran niya ako gamit ang kanyang mga matang malagkit ang tingin sa akin. Buti na lamang, hindi niya ako nahubaran ng todo, kung hindi, iskandalo yun.
Pauwi, nakatiyempo agad ako ng jeep na San Mateo-Maly ang ruta. Nagbayad ako.
Q: Saan 'to?
A: Sa Filinvest I po. Studyante.
Q: San ka nag-aaral?
A: Ha? Ako? Sa UP. [hmp, pakialamero]
Q: Kumusta na mga kaibigan mo?
A: Ano po?
Q: Kumusta na pakikitungo mo sa kanila?
A: Ha?
Q: Kumusta naman ang pakikitungo nila sa iyo?
A: Ayos naman.
Q: Eh yung isa?
A: Sino? Siya? Oo, hindi pa po siya nagbabayad.
Q: Kaibigan mo ba siya?
A: Hindi ko nga siya kilala eh. [putangna mo pakialamero!]
Q: Hindi. Kaibigan mo pa ba siya miski "bahala ka, Rudolf"?
A: SA KANTO LANG PO! PUTANGNA MO!
Nakita ko sa jeep: "DESTINY is a MATTER of CHOICE"
At isang vandal sa may Katipunan: beLIEve
Lahat ng tanong, may sagot. Lahat ng tanong, may sagot na maaaring alam mo na. Lahat ng tanong, may sagot na maaaring alam mo na at ayaw mo lang tanggapin. Lahat ng tanong, may sagot na maaaring alam mo na at ayaw mo lang tanggapin dahil natatakot kang masaktan. Lahat ng tanong, may sagot na maaaring alam mo na at ayaw mo lang tanggapin dahil natatakot kang masaktan dahil paulit-ulit ka nang nasasaktan. Lahat ng tanong, may sagot na maaaring alam mo na at ayaw mo lang tanggapin dahil natatakot kang masaktan dahil paulit-ulit ka nang nasasaktan dahil na rin sa sarili mong kagagawan.
Lahat ng tanong, may sagot.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
