Hopelessly Believing, Intangibly Embracing

Ding treated us to Yellow Cab earlier this afternoon. I tried to put up a smile, but I found it difficult to do so. I was not feeling very well, but I think I was successful in hiding the pain that was tormenting my head. While I rested my head on the table, I kept on thinking what was wrong with me. I want to talk to someone because I already miss that person badly, but I simply cannot do so. I just cannot figure out why. After I said my gratitude to Ding's kindness and generosity, we started to leave. I looked at their backs for a moment with a vision blurred by tears before waving goodbye to the people already leaving.

"I give up."

I will be probably fooling myself again. I always say to myself that I already give up, but deep, deep inside, I keep on holding on to what may seem intangible to other people. I keep on holding on because that intangible object I continue embracing inside of me is enough for me to face the problems that life brings me. I continue to hold back the tears that are welling up inside my eyes which are already tired of seeing myself blankly staring in the mirror. I keep on finding an ounce of strength that makes me get up from my beaten and painful knees after I take a fall. After a struggle in life, I always triumph in some sort of way only at the end of it all. But that very end is the start of a downfall which always happens, but always takes me falling downward at monochromatic speeds rather unprepared. I keep on stumbling down to my knees in agony and pain that is caused by myself, but I always find myself rising up, whether I like it or not.

And because of this, I am starting to hate myself once again.

I keep on giving up but I keep on struggling on to stand up once more, but then only for me to give up again. I'd rather stay down on my knees and weep for eternity if need be than to get hurt over and over and over again because of my own realizations and foolish dreams. I'd rather keep on isolating myself because it is in solitude that I found once more the separate peace that a best friend of mine and myself once had. I'd rather keep on yearning how great the past was rather than optimistically facing the present to build the future but fail to realize it in the end. Like I said before, I'd rather stay sad knowing that someday, I will be happy again rather than being happy but afraid that one day, I will fall into another seemingly inescapable pit of sorrow and despair. How ironic. Everything is an irony, anyway.

I just don't want to keep getting hurt anymore. I'm too beaten up emotionally already that even my physical body is getting its toll. Is that too selfish to ask, or even beg? Is that too great to dream and desire? Is everything always so near, yet so far? Is everything always hard to get and seemingly unreachable?

I just want to give up. But I can't.

Maybe life enjoys picking on and bullying helpless persons who keep in believing on what is hopeless and embracing what is intangible, no matter what.