The Wind Encloses Me in Its Endearing Embrace (Beginnings and Endings Under a Starless Sky: Second Stasis)

"Time flies so fast, but it stagnates in the most difficult periods of life."

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Last Thursday, Block N had some sort of a final (hopefully not yet) get together for the year. Some of us would be parted from the block for an entire year, since they would be with their JTA Blocks. The day started nicely, but it ended in me pouring my whole soul out in tears in front of Ding. So much for a happy get together for me, I guess.

Nelvin, along with Meki, Raisa, Ding, EJ, Raf, and Thomas picked me up at home. I wanted Nelvin to drop by because I didn't want to bring around the documents (specifically the blank check) he would be giving me since I would be the one proxying him for summer reg. After that, we went to Katipunan to pick up Mika, and after which we went to Sta. Lucia to bowl, where Gillian, Jam, and Yanyan were supposed to meet with us.

All of us were hungry. So we decided (no, actually someone did) to take a quick snack in Wendy's. But when we arrived there, I was not able to decide right away what I would eat. I was having an internal conflict since I am kuripot and did not know what to eat at the same time. As I stood there in front of the counter thinking of what to eat, people came flooding in. The line grew longer and longer, and I went outside and watched the fountains since I was still unable to resolve the kakuriputan that was going on inside of me. But when I started gazing downwards on the fountains, my brain instantly got filled with memories of the past. My consciousness started to wane as I delved deeper and deeper into those memories, until Meki approached me and snapped me out of the trance I was engaging myself with.

I ordered a large Burger Bacon Mushroom Melt combo, but to tell the truth, I was completely disappointed. That Burger Bacon Mushroom Melt wasn't the one I know years back. The buns were just regular ones, and the size shrank as if it underwent some kind of weight loss plan. It wasn't the same obese burger with soft buns encased in a styrofoam container. Well, at least menially it satisfied my hunger, enough for me not to feel the uncomfortable lurching of my stomach, imploring me to eat so it could digest something. After we ate, we went to the bowling lanes where we waited for a little while before Gillian, Jam, and Yanyan arrived.

It was my first time to play bowling. I always threw the heavy 12-pound bowling ball I was using to the gutter. Raf told me to make the ball my center of gravity at the moment I was about to release the ball to the lane. Ding told me to straighten my arm as I release the ball and not to point to the gutter. Well, no wonder I was always throwing fences. After those tips, I felt the rhythm somehow and started to bowl better. I scored a 97 with two consecutive strikes (well, only one was within my frame since Mika gave up).

It was fun to see everyone play. We would cheer whenever someone would get a strike or score a spare, and we would "sayang!" if the ball came so close to the last pin standing. It was also fun to see Gillian's super reverse spin technique, Nelvin's kneeling ball release (termed as St. Ignatius by Meki I think), Meki's freezing stance when she throws the ball, the professional approaches and releases of Raf, Ding, and Raisa, Mika's efforts to score successfully, and Jam's and Yan's laughs whenever they topple a pin down. We had a very nice time. Every one of us were just smiling and smiling since all of us were enjoying each and every moment that all of us were together.

We picked up Kara at Mini Stop before we went to EJ's place.

When we got there, Nelvin told all of us to go upstairs already since the ramps of the parking building were steep. But I stayed along since parking on the 7th floor isn't fun especially when the levels before that were virtually empty of cars. When Nelvin turned off the engine of his Adventure, I asked him if he could carry my bag to where the others was since I wanted to go somewhere else first. He agreed, and I accompanied him to the elevator.

I went to the rooftop. It was where I felt the wind envelop me in its chilly embrace. The wind rekindled memories that were deeply rooted in my heart. I was soon blurry-eyed with tears making my vision hazy, but the images that were filling my head were as clear as the moment they happened. I desperately questioned myself over and over and over again why everything has to happen, and why everything that I valued the most had to be that way. I sat by the ledge and raised my arms to embrace the wind as well, but all that remained were empty hopes which I continued to believe in because there was nothing else left but memories.

And then, a tear escaped my desperate attempt to remain strong.

At around 7pm, we ate dinner. It was weird that there were moments wherein no one was talking. Only the noise of spoons and forks, the monotonous hums of the electric fans, the splashes from the pool, and the occasional voices of people nearby were heard. After eating, others played Uno Stacko, while Yanyan beat me to a pulp in Tekken 5 (1-11, and his controller had a defect). Raf and the others played Guitar Hero afterwards, and I unconsciously asked Ding to leave and have a talk. I really did not know why I did that since I wanted to play Guitar Hero as well.

I told her that things looked as if they would never be alright again. She told me it looked that way, since she can look at it from both sides. It was just then that I told her that life is very, very, very unfair.

"Napakaunfair naman kasi ng buhay eh. I tried so hard to fight everything, pero parang walang nangyayari. Sinasabi nilang hindi ko raw iniintindi ang feelings ng iba, eh yun nga ang lagi kong ginagawa for over three months now. Nung time na nagpakita ako ng weakness kasi hindi ko na talaga kaya kasi hirap na hirap na talaga ako, yun pa ang nakita nila. Hindi ko naman ginustong mangyari ito... Gusto ko lang talagang maging katulad ng dati..."

And it was about that time when Ding dawned on me that they weren't sure if I'm still a friend to them or not. I cannot put into words what pain it dealt to me. All along, they are still my best friends, no matter what happened. I had been fighting to stay alive and be happy for them. It turns out I was fighting and struggling for nothing. I perpetually asked myself if that was the end of two friendships which have kept me strong and happy through the most difficult times.

Is it true that everything will end now?

Ding patiently comforted me. She kept reassuring me that she and the others would always be there when I needed them. I know, I know they would be there for me. I know that. I always knew that. Thank you for that.


"Ang baso bang butas, gagamitin mo?"
"Hindi."
"Hindi, unless lalagyan ng tape."

"Ang baso bang butas na tinakpan, gagamitin mo ba miski na meron namang basong hindi butas?"
"Hindi."
"Hindi, unless special yung baso na yun..."

I climbed once more to the rooftop. I literally covered my eyes to stop my tears from falling. Once I got there, I immediately looked at the sky.

It still remained starless like before.

I climbed the cold, steel railings and stood there. I slowly lifted my arms and tried to embrace the wind once more. The wind blew stronger and stronger, making me fall backward into the cold concrete floor. As I lied there, the wind gently enveloped me once again in its endearing embrace. It rekindled all the memories that were deeply rooted in my heart, but it took away all the happiness that was remaining inside of me. Blown by the wind, the hope of a better tomorrow slowly vanished into the distant horizon, but I remained there, stranded under a starless sky, embracing memories that mean everything to me.