E

Ang isang parte ng aking sarili ay ________ sa inyong dalawa ni Ate Biela.

A. naiinggit
B. naiinis
C. hindi naniniwala o hindi makapaniwala
D. natutuwa
E. lahat ng nabanggit


Hindi ko alam kung bakit napalayo ang relasyon ko sa Diyos. Dati naman, lagi kaming nagsisimba ni Nanay tuwing Sabado ng gabi, o kaya naman kasama ang aking pamilya tuwing Linggo ng umaga. Limang taon na ang nakakalipas noong mga panahong linggu-linggo akong pumupunta sa aming kapilya sa loob ng aming subdivision. Nagugunita ko pa sa aking mga alaala ang pakiramdam ng mga matitigas na upuuan sa kapilya ng Holy Family. Naaalala ko pa ang huni ng mga bentilador sa kisame tuwing tatahamik ang lahat sa pagdadasal. Nadarama ko pa rin hanggang ngayon ang lamig ng simoy ng hangin tuwing alas-siyete at ang maalinsangang pagkairita tuwing umaga.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit nagsimulang maagnas ang aking paniniwala sa Diyos, ngayo't sariwa pa sa aking alaala ang mga panahong ako'y nagdadasal pa tuwing bago matulog. Naaalala ko pa kahit papaano ang huling dalawang linya ng dasal na ginawa ko. Naaalala ko pa kung ano ang pakiramdam ng isang rosaryo sa aking mga kamay na puno ng kasamaan at kasalanan.

Pero bakit nga ba?

Kaya na rin siguro ako naiinggit sa mga tao na kahit gaano sila lunurin ng buhay sa kahirapan at mga pagsubok, nananatiling sandigan ang Diyos. Naiinggit ako sa kanila dahil sila ang mga taong kahit tila mawala na ang lahat ng mahahalagang bagay sa kanilang buhay, nananatili silang matatag dahil alam nilang walang katapusan ang kabaitan at pagmamahal ng Diyos. Sila ang mga uri ng taong hindi kailanman susuko, dahil hindi sila nauubusan ng pagkukunan ng lakas at tibay ng loob.

Naiinis ako sa mga taong laging nagdarasal dahil sila ang dahilan kung bakit nababagabag ang aking maayos na pamumuhay. Ipinapakita nila sa akin na may nangyari sa akin kaya pinakawalan ko na ang kapit ko sa mga kamay na hanggang ngayon, may sugat gawa ng mga makasalanang pako. Hindi ako makapaniwala na iisipin ko ang mga bagay na ito miski na hindi taus-puso ang aking mga intensyon at pagmumuni-muni.

Mga hangal sila. Pinaiikot lamang sila ng kanilang pananampalataya. Hindi ako makapaniwala sa kanila dahil mga taong may pakiramdam at emosyon din sila, ngunit hindi nila nararamdaman ang aking nadarama. Sa abot ng aking makakaya, pinasasalamatan ko lahat ng mga biyayang aking natatanggap, ngunit kahit na gaano karaming kabutihan ang ibinibigay Niya, hindi pa rin ako masaya. Hindi ko hinihingi ang isang mamahaling telepono o kaya'y bagong laptop. Ang gusto ko lang naman ay maging masaya at madama ang tunay na seguridad kapiling ang isang tao. Gusto ko lang naman maging masaya at kuntento kasama ang isang taong tatanggapin ako kung sino ako.

Ngunit hindi ba ito ang hinahanap ng lahat ng tao sa kalunos-lunos na mukha ng mundo?

Marahil, ako ang hangal. Hindi ko lang matanggap na kahit papaano, nakamit na nila ang kaligayahan at katatagang hinahanap ko.

Mahal kasi nila ang Diyos.

At dahil diyan, masaya ako para sa kanila. At kahit papaano, nasasabi kong masaya ako.

Hindi ko alam. At malamang, ayaw kong malaman.

What Your Name Means

You entered: Rodolfo Celestino Nokom

There are 21 letters in your name.
Those 21 letters total to 102
There are 9 vowels and 12 consonants in your name.

What your first name means:
Spanish - Male - Spanish form of Rudolph 'famous wolf'.

Your number is: 3

The characteristics of #3 are: Expression, verbalization, socialization, the arts, the joy of living.

The expression or destiny for #3:
An Expression of 3 produces a quest for destiny with words along a variety of lines that may include writing, speaking, singing, acting or teaching; our entertainers, writers, litigators, teachers, salesmen, and composers. You also have the destiny to sell yourself or sell just about any product that comes along. You are imaginative in your presentation, and you may have creative talents in the arts, although these are more likely to be latent. You are an optimistic person that seems ever enthusiastic about life and living. You are friendly, loving and social, and people like you because you are charming and such a good conversationalist. Your ability to communicate may often inspire others. It is your role in life to inspire and motivate; to raise the spirits of those around you.

The negative side of number 3 Expression is superficiality. You may tend to scatter your forces and simply be too easygoing. It is advisable for the negative 3 to avoid dwelling on trivial matters, especially gossip.

Your Soul Urge number is: 1

A Soul Urge number of 1 means:
Your Soul Urge is the number 1. With a Soul Urge number of 1, you want to lead and direct, to work independent of supervision, by yourself or with subordinates. You take pride in your abilities and want to be recognized for them. You may seek opportunities to display your strength and usefulness, wanting to create and originate. In your desire to manage the big picture and the main issues, you may often leave the details to others.

The positive 1 Soul Urge is Ambitious and determined, a leader seeking opportunities. There is a great deal of honesty and loyalty in this character. If you possess positive 1 Soul Urge qualities, you are very attainment oriented and driven to success. You are a loyal friend and strictly fair in your business dealings.

The negative side of the 1 Soul Urge must be avoided. A negative 1 is apt to dominate situations and people; the home, the spouse, the family and the business. Emotions aren't strong in this nature. If you possess an excess of 1 energy, you may, at times, be boastful and egotistic. You must avoid being too critical and impatient of trifles. The great need of the 1 Soul Urge is the development of friendliness, and a sincere interest in people.

Your Inner Dream number is: 11

An Inner Dream number of 11 means:
You dream of casting the light of illumination; of being the true idealist. You secretly believe there is more to life than we can know or prove, and you would like to be provider of the 'word' from on high.

Take the test here.

Well, I don't know.

Box-Office Hits Disc 2: Ang Katotohanan

Sa totoo lang, kinilabutan ako kanina. Nagsitindig sa rurok ang mga buhok ko sa braso at naramdaman ko ang kakaibang init na bumalot sa aking katawan.

Nagmadali akong umuwi ng mga 3:30nh, pagkatapos na pagkatapos ng aking Ph101 class. Medyo nagdalawang isip pa ako kasi hindi ko alam kung kasagsagan na ng rally sa may Commonwealth, at baka maglakad na naman ako ng pagkalayu-layo tulad noong nakaraang taon. Kapansin-pansin ang luwang ng kahabaan ng Katipunan dahil ang Loyola Schools lang ang nagpatuloy sa klase. Masyadong marami na raw kasing mga nawalang mga araw dahil sa mga bagyo at kung ano pa mang kanselasyon ng klase.

Habang pauwi, paulit-ulit kong narinig ang boses ni Sir Mike. Tama kasi ang sinabi niya, na mahirap makitang naghihirap ang mga Pilipino kung lagi kang nakasakay sa helicopter, napapalibutan ng mga bodyguard, o nasa ibang bansa.

Sa Central, inisip kong sumakay na lang ng bus dahil malayo ang iikutang ruta ng kadalasan kong sinasakyang San Mateo. Inisip ko rin na mas mabuti na ring sumakay ng bus dahil mas panatag ako sa pagdaan nito sa tabi ng mga raliyista kung ikukumpara sa isang pampasaherong dyip.

At hindi ko inaakalang tama pala ang desisyon kong ito.

Nagsimulang bumagal ang aking sinasakyang ordinary bus noong nasa may Ever na ito. Naroon na kasi ang mga raliyistang nakita kong nasa may Luzon pa lang kaninang umaga. Gaya ng iniisip ko, wala silang kabuhay-buhay: karamihan sa kanila'y natutulog sa loob o sa bubungan ng napakaraming dyip na nagdala sa kanila doon, ang iba'y nagtitsimisan sa ilalim ng overpass, at kung hindi ito ang kanilang ginagawa, sila'y nakatitig lamang sa langit na nagbabanta ng isang malakas na buhos ng ulan. Mukhang binayaran lang sila at papetiks-petiks lang.

Pero noong umusad na ang aking sinasakyan at malagpasan ang mga raliyistang hindi isinisigaw ang kanilang mga hinaing, doon ko na narmdaman ang katotohanang nagaganap sa Pilipinas.

Hindi ko lang talaga maipaliwanag kung bakit ako kinilabutan at pinagpawisan ng malamig. Sanay naman na akong makita ang mga iba't ibang klase ng tao galing sa halos lahat ng estado ng buhay na sama-sama at sabay-sabay na isinisigaw ang "resign" o "pahirap". Sanay na akong makakita ng mga manggagawa, babae't lalaki, na isinisigaw na taasan ang minimum wage. Wala lang para sa akin ang makakita ng mga kababaihang iwinawagayway ang bandila ng Gabriela habang ipinaglalaban ang kanilang mga paniniwala. Sanay na akong makakita nang kung anu-anong bagay lulan ang mga hinaing ng sambayanan na yari sa papier mache. Hindi na bago sa aking paningin ang makakita ng daan-daang mukha ng presidente na may pulang ekis. Ang SONA na ito ay parang katulad lang ng lahat ng SONA na aking dinaanan at hindi pinansin.

Pero yun nga lang, napansin ko kahit papaano ang SONA na ito. Paulit-ulit kong narinig ang alingawngaw ng kahirapan ng lahat nang nagtipon sa harap ng St. Peter's Parish. Hindi ko maalis sa aking isipan kung papaano nila iwinagayway at ibinandera ang kanilang mga sariling bandilang tutol sa mga patakaran ng gobyerno. Tumatak sa aking isipan ang mga mukha ng mga taong aking nakita habang ako'y nakadungaw sa bintana ng pampasaherong bus na iyon.

Habang naglalakad pauwi at dinadaanan ang daan-daang sundalo, pulis, at marino, inisip ko ang Pilipinas. Inisip ko ang mga sinabi ko dati habang tumutugtog ang pambansang awit sa PA system ng Loyola Schools:

"Hindi ko rerespetuhin ang Pilipinas dahil hindi naman nito nirerespeto ang mga Pilipino."


Pero bakit?


Tuwing SONA lang ba magsasama ang mga ng tao galing sa iba't ibang parte ng ating lipunan upang marating ang isang minimithi? Sa mga rally lang ba magiging isa ang diwa ng mga Pilipino? Tuwing sa mga ganitong oras lang ba magtutulungan ang sambayanang Pilipino upang sama-samang umahon sa kumunoy ng kahirapan?

Hindi ko alam. Wala akong pakialam? Hindi naman siguro.

Box-Office Hits Disc 1: Bago ang SONA

Hindi ako masyadong involved sa mga usapang politics, pero iba na ang usapan tuwing sasapit ang taunang State of the Nation Address ng pangulo. Kasi naman no, halos sa may bukana lang ng access road papuntang subdivision namin yung Batasang Pambansa. Off topic, pero nayanig ang mga salamin namin noong binomba ang isang bahagi ng gusaling iyon.

Naiirita pa rin ako sa mga magaganap sa lugar namin bukas miski na alam kong naghihirap na ang mga tao sa Pilipinas. Hindi naman na kasi natapos ang mga welgang iyan eh. Magtitipun-tipon ang mga tao sa harap ng St. Peter's Parish, mga isang kilometro ang layo mula sa tuntungang tatapakan ni Ate Gloria (hindi kami close by the way). Doon, paulit-ulit nilang isisigaw ang super rain chant na "Patalsikin si Gloria, sobra nang pahirap" habang iwinawagayway ang mga bandila nilang yari sa katsa kung saan nakapinta ang mga katagang "Gloria Resign". Ewan ko lang kung magagawa pa nilang marecycle yung mga ginamit nilang props nung nakaraang SONA, kasi naman, feeling ko, tungkol sa sobrang mahal na presyo ng krudo ang isisigaw nila. Hindi naman sa "Patalsikin si Krudo, sobra nang pahirap", pero yun nga lang talaga, sobrang laki na talaga ng pagkakaiba sa presyo ng langis at pati na rin pamasahe noong isang taon. Wala naman kasi yatang magagawa si Ate Gloria sa digmaan dun sa may Central Asia diba? I mean, magpapadala ang Pilipinas ng mga machines of warfare na karag-karag? Mas mabuti yatang ibenta na lang ang mga iyan sa Starback's Junk Shop ng por kilo eh, mas marami pang matutulungang mga gutom na mga mamamayan.

Ang dami na namang tao bukas sa may lugar namin. Ganoon ba talaga kasikat si Gloria kaya pinipilahan siya ng daan-daan niyang fans from all over the country? Ganoon ba talaga kagaling ang kanyang mga kanta ukol sa ekonomiya at kaunlaran kaya nahuhumaling ang mga mahihirap na sabayan siya sa kanyang pag-awit? Ang hassle naman kasi ng mga nangyayari sa bansa natin eh.

Ang daming naghihirap at nagdurusa,

ang daming nagugutom at nagkakasakit,

ang daming walang maayos na tirahan at napapabayaan,

at ang daming kabataang hindi nabibigyan ng sapat na edukasyon.

Pero, heto ako, nagrereklamo sa world dahil kailangan kong pumasok ng maaga bukas, miski na 10:30am pa ang aking klase.

More Than Twelve Inches

After the tears have fallen, my heart beats once again.

But, I am quite sad because I am unable to express my gratitude to the person responsible for opening my eyes.

---

After purchasing my Compaq Presario B1293TU, I asked Mamie how much we have saved after four regular semesters and two summer semesters of me being a full scholar. She estimated that we have saved almost half a million pesos, since a regular semester in Ateneo now costs almost P80,000.00 and a summer semester costs around P40,000.00. Doing the math in my head, I figured that a regular three-unit subject costs about P7,000.00. I was amazed that a person like me who got D's in a six-unit Math subject figured that one out while pigging the potchero.

I have always wondered where all that tuition went. My professors in school had always complained about their salaries.

While I was riding the front seat of the jeep going to Katipunan, I looked at the giant trees that lined the oval of UP. I tried to remember what they were like when I was young. They were big, small leaved trees whose branches arced and covered the roads like a gentle blanket of fine velvet. As the warm afternoon winds blew, these trees emanated a soothing song like that of an ocean wave gently breaking into the infinite shore, and echoed into the distance. The very same trees would soon shed most of its tiny leaves as the colder days approached. I will never forget the image of trees when its leaves fell like tiny fragments of sorrowful tears falling from the mourning sky, carried and blown by the wind filled with nostalgia.

These trees were just like they were nine years ago. Did they separate from the course of time and stagnate into an eternal state of beauty? Or was it just my memories that faded away as time passed by?

School was just as tiresome as ever. The readings slowly piled up as I took a much needed breather from the tough week that had just passed. Being a junior isn't as easy as being a sophomore because procrastination had always been an ally, well at least until a week ago when my beloved gods of cramming kicked me while I was terribly down.

Were things passing by without me noticing it? Or am I just too preoccupied with my feelings?

But whatever happened, I needed to get my new laptop its sleeves. I scoured each shop located in Araneta Center, but I wasn't successful in my mission to purchase laptop sleeves for a 12" lappy. My feet were numb and my legs were throbbing after walking and standing for hours and my throat was intensely parched from politely inquiring store personnel who were friendly, but I still managed to walk from Gateway to V. Luna. I had to take that walk, besides the reason that there was just too much people hurrying to go home at that time.

I looked at the old sidewalks along East Avenue, and I stared at the cloudy night sky.

Things looked the same, but somewhere along the invisible lines, they felt different. Things still existed the same way they did years ago, but somehow, they enveloped me in such a strange manner.

I hopped in an ordinary bus cramped with people and stayed by the door. Feeling the cool air saturated with uncertainty rushing past my tired face dried the tears that were welling in my eyes. The fake sensation of flying sent infinite images to my confused mind and wounded heart. The distance I traveled and the things that I have felt were enough for me to hold on, and tightly embrace what I now hold important deep within my heart.

But that pain is sweet sorrow, a subtle reminder that we are alive, yearning for security and comfort in the ironies of life.

Bus Ticket

Hindi ko ito inaasahan.
Lumuluha pa ako
Nung nakita ko ang iyong pangalan.
Hindi ko sinasadyang mapindot ito
Ngunit doon nagsimula ang ating pagkakaibigan.

Simula noong araw na iyon,
Hindi ko maipaliwanag kung bakit
Lagi kitang hinihintay.
Marahil sadyang ikaw ay mabait,
At dahil dito,
Natuyo ang mga luha ko dahil sa noon.

At hanggang ngayon, hindi ko pa rin maipaliwanag
Ang kakaibang kasiyahang aking naramdaman.
Dahil sa pagdating mo sa aking buhay
Napanatag ang aking loob at isipan
At unti-unting naghilom ang basag kong katauhan
Dahil sa binigay mo sa aking lakas at tatag.

Lumipas ang mga araw
At nalaman ko ang iyong pagkatao.
Sa isang iglap
Nawala ang kislap
Dahil sa katangian mong ako'y ayaw...
Ngunit

Natutunan ko itong tanggapin
Dahil naniniwala akong tinanggap mo ako.
Naging kumportable tayo sa isa't isa
At dahil diyan
Ako'y lubhang lumigaya,
Isang pakiramdam
Na kahit kailan, hindi ko pa nararanasan.

At sa isa mong text
Ako'y nabagabag.
Masyadong mabilis
At ang damdamin ko'y nalabag...
Ngunit
Natuwa rin ako
Dahil patuloy akong naniwala
Sa iyong angking kabaitan.

Doon
Sa panahong iyon
Sinabi kong buo na ako.
Sa iyong pagsabing ako'y iyong miss
At sa mga salitang nangangahulugang mga kiss.
Hindi ko hinayaang
Manlinlang ako ng aking pangahas na sarili...
Wala pang nagsabi nito sa akin kailanman
At hindi ko pa naramdaman ang kaligayahan sa loob
Kahit kailan.

Lumipas ang mga araw at gabi
Natulog tayo sa ilalim ng mga bituing may kinang.
Lagi kong inaabangan ang panibagong bukas
Dahil naramdaman ko ikaw sa aking tabi
At nagsilbing aking tanging lakas.


Ngunit,


Sa iyong katahimikan noong gabing iyon
Naramdaman ko na ang isang malaking alon.
Kinabahan ako na baka sa isang iglap
Mawala na naman ang lahat,
Lahat ng inilagay ko na sa loob ng aking puso
At isinama na bilang aking pagkatao.

Nakita ko ang iyong mga mata
Nakita mo ang aking mga mata
At biglang
Nawalan ka na ng pakialam
At biglang
Naiwan akong mag-isa...

Nasira ang aking sirang sarili
Dahil sa pagkukulang na aking taglay.
Tandaan mo lang na hindi kita sinisisi
Dahil sino nga bang gustong makasama
Ang isang taong ayaw sa kanyang sarili?

Ikaw ang naging dahilan
Kung bakit natuyo ang aking mga luha.
Dahil sayo,
Natuto muli akong umasa
Na hindi lang puro lungkot
Ang mundong puno ng pangarap.
Dahil sayo,
Naramdaman kong nabuhay muli ang aking sarili
Na anim na buwang namatay
At nalunod sa mga luha.
Dahil sayo,
Natuto muli akong mangarap
At hindi magpatinag sa hinaharap.
Dahil sayo,
Sinabi kong tao nga ako.

Sana ang taglay kong kasalanan
Para sa iyong mga mata
Ay hindi tuluyang sisira
Sa mga panahong tayo ay masaya...


Huwag ka munang bumitiw...

Ayaw ko nang umiyak...

At ayaw ko na nang mamatay...


Mahirap ito,
Ngunit sana'y bigyan mo pa ako
Ng pagkakataon
Dahil hindi ko na alam
Ang gagawin ko
Kung ika'y maglalaho
Sa buhay kong bigo...

Naniniwala pa rin ako sa iyo
Tuwing titingnan ko ang unang bagay
Na binigay mo sa akin.
Sana, maniwala ka rin sa akin
Dahil talagang hindi ko kakayanin

Ang mawala ka
At maiwan na lang
Ang bus ticket
Bilang isang malayong pangarap
Kasama ang mga alapaap...

Mediocrity?

One thing is for sure: we really dislike Fr. Arcilla as a History professor. He's better off being an English professor since he is so particular about grammar, mechanics, and writing style.

He returned our first long tests earlier this morning. The questions I got during the test was alright, but I was not confident enough that I would be getting a high mark for my answer. I know the answer very well, it was just that I was not very much able to explain it the best way. I psyched myself over the past week that I would be receiving a C, and I did. I was relieved that I did not fail the test, and I did not receive a grade with a minus to it. Fr. Arcilla explained to us his policy: if a grade had a minus, the grade of the succeeding long test must be higher or equal to the grade with the minus. In the event that it is lower, then the grade with the minus would drop to the lower bordering grade. He said that if anyone was to get a B- and got a C in the next test, then the B- turns into a C. But if a B is acquired in the next one, the B- loses its minus and turns to a B.

It is unfair that he has a policy like this. Getting a good final mark is very difficult in his class since he has only four tests in which your grades could get lower all of a sudden, in addition to him being a very closed-minded person and boring.

As I laid on my bed when I arrived home, I started to wonder what has happened to me over the past years. I looked back on my high school years. Was the curriculum back then just easier than my academic workload today? Or is something else the matter?

I don't know. I'm tired of it already, and I want to enjoy the momentary freedom of not worrying about deadlines tomorrow.

Fwd Msg #7

don't place your mistakes
on your head, it can weigh
you down and crush you..



instead,



place them under your feet
and use them as a platform
to view your horizons..

Rant?

Nakakainis. Hindi na ako makapagpost ng something substantial sa aking blog ngayong mga nakaraang araw at linggo yata. Ang dami ko kasing ginagawang requirements para sa school. Kailangan magbasa ng libro para sa Hi165 kasi ang hassle ng grading system. Kailangan galingan sa pagkilatis ng mga takdang readings para sa Ph101 dahil mahirap na, baka kasi bigla akong mabulaga sa isang pagsusulit. Kailangan aralin palagi ang slides sa CS152A kasi lagi na lang may quiz na binibigay si Mr. Diy at kailangan ko kasing bawiin yung 67 kong long test. May mga project proposals pa kaming ipipresent sa Monday (mamaya, kasi 1:30am na ngayon) na madalian naming ginawa dahil sinapian kami ng mga diyos at diyosa ng procrastination, o kung hindi naman, sadyang naging abala sa mga naunang dahilan. May lab pa nga kami sa CS152B eh, at may defense pa! Asar. Meron pa akong ethics paper sa CS179.15A - Philosophy Module na due sa Wednesday, pero hindi ko alam ang gagawin kasi hindi pinost sa Moodle yung powerpoint na naglalaman nung specs. At take note, ongoing pa yung Packrat Unit Test namin sa CS179.15A - Games Module. Grabe. Sobrang pagod ako lagi tuwing pagdating ko sa bahay. Kailangan kong matulog kahit na sandali kasi kung hindi, masasabaw ang utak ko sa paggawa ng kahit na anong nabanggit sa itaas at kailangang saluhin sa may kaliwang tainga gamit ang isang disposable plastic cup. Nagkaroon kami ng discussion kung bakit yung mga bata raw, hindi kailangan matulog sa hapon, pero kaming mga matatanda na, kailangan na. Sabi nung iba, dahil mas mahirap na ang mga ginagawa naming jsim circuits at mga pag-iintindi ng mga diyalogo ni Socrates kung ikukumpara sa mga penmanship drills at flashcard drills ng mga grade school. Ewan ko naman kasi ever since bata ako, natutulog na talaga ako sa hapon.

Ngayon kasi hinihintay kong i-send sa akin ng isa kong kagrupo sa CS123 yung proposal niya. Ieedit ko pa kasi at ipuproofread, bago ko maiprint.

Yun lang po. Salamat.

A Crimson Tear Appears as Four

The past haunts me,
The past calls my name in a tone.
The past becomes an enemy,
The past becomes all but alone...

Even if I try to run,
The clouds seem to grip my stride.
A flash of screams from a gun
Forever crushes all my pride.

Tears tremble in my eyes
And a soul vanishes from sight.
Fears quiver in all lies
As a promise shatters
And never takes flight.

The sky is dark;
As midnight silence of my might.
A distant and sorrowful hark
Corrupts my will to fight.

In silence, my soul keeps dreaming;
but
In space, my person changes.
With time memories lose its meaning
and yet
Continue to wrap me in its flanges.

Even if the stars are forever bright,
Things will never be the same as before.
Something wrong betrays everything right:
A crimson tear appears as four.

The Sensitive Doer

Sensitive Doer (SD)
Sensitive Doers are gentle, modest and reserved persons. They cope well with everyday life and like their privacy. With their quiet, optimistic nature, they are also good, sought-after listeners and other people feel well in their company. All in all, this type is the most likeable and friendliest of all personality types. Tolerance and heir regard for others distinguish their personality. They are very caring, generous and always willing to help. They are open to and interested in everything that is new or unknown to them. However, if their inner value system or their sense of justice is hurt, Sensitive Doers can suddenly and surprisingly become forceful and assertive.

Sensitive Doers enjoy the comforts life offers to the full. They are very happy in everyday life. Sensitive Doers are often gifted artists or very good craftsmen. Creativity, imagination and an especially keen perception are just a few of their strong points. Sensitive Doers are very presence-oriented; long-term planning and preparations do not appeal to them. They take life as it comes and react flexibly to daily demands. They do not like too much routine and predictability. Their talents come more to the fore when work processes are variable and there are not so many rules. Sensitive Doers like to work alone; if they are part of a team, they do not get involved in competitive or power games and prefer living and working together harmoniously and openly.

Sensitive Doers are completely satisfied with a small, close circle of friends as their need for social contacts is not very marked. Here, too, they avoid conflicts - quarrels and disputes put considerable strain on them. Sensitive Doers are often very fond of animals and are very good with small children. As partner, this type is loyal and reliable and is willing to invest a lot in a relationship. Mutual respect and tolerance are very important to Sensitive Doers. Their love of pleasure makes them a pleasant companion with whom one can experience intensive moments. They like to look after their partner with attentiveness and small gifts and are very sensitive to the partner’s needs - often more than to their own. However, should they meet the wrong person, they run the risk of being taken advantage of. They are then deeply disappointed.

Adjectives which describe your type
introverted, practical, emotional, spontaneous, sensitive, peace-loving, reserved, gentle, good-natured, independent, empathetic, friendly, playful, carefree, sympathetic, relaxed, quiet, modest, pleasure-loving, loyal, obliging, caring, helpful, optimistic

These subjects could interest you
art, music, craftwork, garden work, animals, nature, literature, drawing/painting, astrology, spiritual things, meditation, music, handicrafts, writing

From Mika's Multiply.

Furigana: 幸せ

shiawase
happiness; good fortune


「一番」
彼は金持ちなのに、幸せでない。
Kare wa kanemochi nanoni, shiawasedenai.
For all his riches, he is not happy.

「二番」
ジェオフさんは、昨日私を幸せにした。
Jeof-san wa, kinou watashi wo shiawasenishita.
Jeof made me happy yesterday.



質問がありますか？
Shitsumon ga arimasu ka?
Do you have any questions?
「一番」の質問
「二番」の質問

Si Manong Janitor

Ilang taon na niyang nililinis ang mga panlalaking banyo ng Loyola Schools. Sa kinahabaan ng panahong ito, hindi pa niya tunay na natititigan sa mata ang kahit na isang Atenista. Lagi na lang niyang nililinis ang mga kubetang mapanghi dahil sa katamaran ng mga Atenistang i-flush ang kubeta. Unti-unti na ring napapagod si Manong sa paglilinis ng mga urinal na lagi na lang may buhok. Napapagod na talaga si Manong sa kakamop ng sahig na lagi na lang basa sa tubig mula sa lababo, o kaya'y basa sa tilamsik ng pag-ihi ng mga Atenistang iyan. Gusto na niyang humanap ng trabahong mas malaki ang sahod dahil nananatili pa ring lubog sa hirap ang kanyang pamilya. Sawa na siyang lagyan ng shampoo ang soap dispenser. Sawa na siyang punasan nang punasan ang salaming lagi na lang nababasa. Sawang sawa na rin siya sa nakahihilong amoy ng kung anu-anong kinakain at inalalabas ng mga Atenistang ito sa kanyang banyong takda.

Unti-unti na niyang kinamumuhian ang mga Atenistang ito. Tila wala na silang ginawang maayos kung hindi ikalat ang kanilang mga ihi, magtae at punuin ang kubeta ng toilet paper, at maglagas ng kanilang mga putang inang bulbol.

"Ayaw ko na. Suko na ako."

Binitawan ni Manong ang kanyang mga kasangkapang panglinis. Nabasag ang marupok na plastik ng kanyang spray ant nabubo ang tubig na hinaluan ng sabong mabango. Lumagitik ang braso ng kanyang dakilang mop sa paghampas nito sa sahig na may tiles. Lumagabog ang kanyang dustpan na yari sa malaking lata ng biskwit. Walang buhay na namatay ang kanyang walis tambo, isang kaibigang kasalo niya sa hirap at ginhawa. Itinapon niya sa dingding ang kanyang trapong laging nakasuksok sa kanyang bulsa.

Mukhang suko na talaga si Manong.

Palabas na siya sa kanyang banyo nang may pumasok na Atenista. Tila iba ang porma niya sa mga Atenistang kinamumuhian niya. Simple ang pananamit. May inosenteng ngiti sa mukha. Napatigil siya.

"Manong! Kumusta?"

Nawindang ang galit sa loob ni Manong.

Sinundan na lang ng mga mata nitong si Manong itong lalaking ito. Pumasok sa isang cubicle at doon umihi.

"Ay Manong! Pasensiya ka na! Hindi ko naasintang mabuti eh! Hehe."

"Sige bayaan mo na. Haha."

Nginitian ng Atenistang ito si Manong habang siya'y naghuhugas ng kamay, iwinisik ang mga kamay para matuyo ng kaunti, at saka umalis ng banyo.

Hindi makapaniwala si Manong. Hindi niya maintindihan ang lumipas na mga sandali.

Isa isang pinulot ni Manong ang kanyang mga gamit na nakakalat sa sahig. Pinulot niya ng sabay ang basag na niyang spray at ang kanyang trapong kulay asul. Sunud-sunod niyang kinuha ang kanyang mop, ang walis, at ang dustpan. Tiningnan niya ang kanyang sarili sa salamin. Tiningnan niya ang lalaking sabay na nakatitig sa kanya.

"Tao rin pala sila."

Ngunit ang hindi niya alam, nananatili pa rin siyang isang hamak na janitor para sa karamihan.

Nananatili siyang hindi nakikita sa paningin, at hindi binibigyan ng pansin.



Dahil siya'y isang taong naninirahan sa laylayan ng ating lipunan.

Deconstruction of Humanity

It was one of those days when I realized how lucky I was to be studying in Ateneo under a full scholarship, and be born into a "family" modestly and comfortably living in a quiet subdivision.

I came home quite late last night since I hanged around in the CompSAt room. I promised myself that I would be more active in the org, and not just be a member in name. I read the book I borrowed from Ding in preparation for my Hi165 long test this coming Thursday, while other members of the org were practicing their dance for the upcoming General Assembly this Friday. As I pondered in the achievements of Magellan and how the people of Castille reorganized the space and time of the natives, I wondered if what I was doing will be again something for nothing. I didn't know for sure. I was confused and lost in the translation of a myriad of Spanish terms, but even if my brain died out, I had to study. After a few more pages of reading, I soon discovered that my vision was failing me. The print became difficult to read, and I was having a hard time understanding it as well. I rested my head on my arms, and made the upbeat music of the sophomore's dance a lullaby.

I woke up several minutes later to discover that it was raining. That prolonged my stay in the org room by an hour or so. But at least I got the chance to meet and make new friends. We ate at McDonald's after the rain ceased its wet embrace to the grounds of the school and the roads of Katipunan. We discussed several things about the GA, and at around 9 pm, they went to National to look for materials for the costumes. The skies cleared up, and I took that as a signal to head home.

After visiting Gateway and eating in Tropical Hut, I rode a bus home. I settled myself in the very back corner of the bus. I looked outside the windows, and saw humanity progress. Cars were everywhere. People inside buses were texting, sleeping, watching the show, paying their fares, or were just staring outside the window. People were clothed decently and suited for the cloudy and rainy weather. People were in a hurry to go home, each carrying their own reasons with them. So many things were happening outside: the flashes of bright lights, the slow moving red lights, and the infinite splattering of rain on the window. I closed my eyes for a moment, and tried to think if all of these people are happy, if not content.

But it was cold inside the bus.

I slowly opened my eyes, and it was something that I saw that made me realize that not everyone in the world is as lucky as I am.

In the darkness of the night, a man was seeking refuge from the rain under the roof of a public pay toilet. I was unable to see what he was doing. He was seated upright and was holding something in his right hand. I strained my eyes to see what he was holding, but it was difficult to make anything out of the darkness. A car bolted across, and its headlights were so bright that it illuminated and fazed the poor man in his peace.


In his tattered and filthy clothes, he was praying the rosary.


I guess, some people are more blessed than I am.

What is important? Why is it important?

67

dil - i - gence [dil-i-juh ns]
-noun

1. constant and earnest effort to accomplish what is undertaken; persistent exertion of body or mind.
2. Law. the degree of care and caution required by the circumstances of the person.
3. Obsolete. care; caution.


in - tel - li - gence [in-tel-i-juh ns]
-noun

1. capacity for learning, reasoning, understanding, and similar forms of mental activity; aptitude in grasping truths, relationships, facts, meanings, etc.
2. manifestation of a high mental capacity: He writes with intelligence and wit.
3. the faculty of understanding.
4. knowledge of an event, circumstance, etc., received or imparted; news; information.
5. the gathering or distribution of information, esp. secret information.
6. Government.
          a. information about an enemy or a potential enemy.
          b. the evaluated conclusions drawn from such information.
    c. an organization or agency engaged in gathering such information:           military intelligence; naval intelligence.
7. interchange of information: They have been maintaining intelligence with foreign agents for years.
8. Christian Science. a fundamental attribute of God, or infinite Mind.
9. (often initial capital letter) an intelligent being or spirit, esp. an incorporeal one, as an angel.


The world is cruel enough not to regard efforts as much as achievements...

And all there is left to do is try again... and achieve something. Second chances in everything are rare, so make the most out of everything. But what if one simply cannot accomplish what one desires, even if the most significant effort is placed on reaching out towards the goal?

Lose.

Fail.

And be stepped upon by the achievements of others. The world does not care what you try to do; it's what you accomplish that matters the most.

"Erroneous"

Levantine -- born from deep-seated resentment
Arenne -- born from yearning what is impossible
Zweihander -- born from what is sane, and born to stay sane

---

In the short span of two hours, I was able to understand a probable reason for all the twenty years of my life. Due to my sheer desperation for an answer, I realized something important. The illogical made clear sense and my life was set before me. I am "erroneous" as I never had the chance to see what was right.

I never had the lasting notion of a supportive family when I was little. I never really did not understand what it meant to be a man, and what it took to be one.

I never really knew how it was to grow up not "erroneous". There wasn't anyone at home to teach me how. Dadee was working in Saipan. Mamie was working in a company specializing in washroom care, and she was the division manager. Ate and Kuya had to go to school. All that was left at home was Nanay, Tatay, and probably our househelp who I cannot remember anymore.

Back then, I would only just watch Cedie ride his white stallion across the grounds of his palace. I would intently watch him everyday as the yellow curtains ruffled in my back. Nanay and Tatay would stay in their house as they watched their noontime shows and afternoon soap operas. They taught me a lot of things. I was happy since even if everyone else was away, Nanay and Tatay were there. They both showed their parental devotion and guided me as I grew up. I felt the love of a real mother as Nanay embraced me when I cried, and I felt I had a real father when Tatay took care of me when I fell sick. At least, for a short time, I felt I had a family.

But yes, like all things, I took both of them for granted.

Time quickly passed, soon, Dadee returned from Saipan. That time, he was just a person in a picture. I never really remembered his face, the feel of his hands when he carried me when I was still little, and the feeling of his embrace when he lulled me to sleep as a baby. I always felt distant to Dadee. I can't blame myself since I treated Tatay as my father, and I can't blame Dadee since he needed to work, and Saipan was such a big break for his profession. Time quickly passed, and so did the life of Tatay. I cried the moment I realized that I won't have a father figure sleep beside me every night. Nanay showed her courage, but eventually, her sorrow was too powerful for her to stop.

I hated Tatay for leaving Nanay alone. I hated him for leaving me alone. Who was I supposed to look up to?

Dadee.

I tried to attach my yearnings for a father to Dadee. I tried my best.

But..

You can't blame an innocent kid to stop and think why he was flying his kite alone while his friends were having the best time of their lives with their fathers. You can't blame a kid tremble in fear while his classmates ran to the embrace of their fathers during ghost stories. You can't blame a curious child to ask why he was alone in his tent, while the others slept beside their fathers and embraced each other. You can't blame the same kid that he cannot write anything about his father who was away for so long. You can't possibly expect to make the kid understand why things are like so. His world is too simple for a complex thing like that. You can't blame the kid since he tried his best to look happy and fearless, even if he was crying inside and deeply yearned for his father. You can't blame him since he kept it all inside.

I thought this was the reason why up until now, I am looking for a father figure. As a kid, I was left to fend for myself in the world who deeply despised the "erroneous." My feelings spiraled out of my poor control as my cousins generously crushed my poor self-esteem into bits. I tried to hide in the shadow of my brother, but yes, he remained particularly distant to me as well. Little by little, because of my desires for a father, I grew astray from the feelings of my family. I put up a mask of happiness when I'm with them to hide the broken feelings of a child who lost his father and his guide. I wear this mask everyday so that their own individual notion of a "family" doesn't get clouded by the destroyed image residing in my mind. As persons I live with and as friends, I love them with all my heart. But not as a "family".


I wear a mask

to hide my resentment to Dadee, because he did not embrace me even once.
to conceal my mixed feelings to Mamie, because all I do is understand her feelings.
to erase my anger to Kuya, because he grew up to be normal, and not "erroneous" like me.
to hide my emotions to Ate, because I want her to be happy.

to subdue myself from bursting into tears I am now aware of.


All I want is to feel again the security of having someone to call "daddy." All I want is to be confident in facing the world because I have a daddy that I can run to, and feel safe, secure, and sound in his endearing embrace.

But maybe it's too late now.


Tatay, sorry kung naging ganito ako. Ikaw naman kasi eh, ang aga mo namatay. Iniwan mo kami ni Nanay dati. Ngayong wala na rin si Nanay, iniwan niyo akong mag-isa. Pero sana masaya na kayo diyan kung nasaan man kayo. Nanay, Tatay, I love you. Alam kong alam niyo yun miski hindi ko sinasabi dati. Miss ko na kayong dalawa.