Being Human: Choice

Humans are humans because of their intrinsic capability to form history. Historicity, as defined by philosophy, is man's capability to make history because of his and her capacity to choose freely. Because of historicity, man is able to create a world fitting for man, and the very world they create makes them man; separate from world of basic biological existence. Civilization envelops man in a reality of culture, improvement, and most of all, meanings.

Man is different from any other living organism that exists in the world because only he and only her has the opportunity to face crossroads. They are always placed in a position where they need to make a humble or mighty decision. Because of this, man is able to quietly arrange his new future in his bidding, intentional or not. Man lives in time; man lives in the present as the result of the interwoven events of the past and the future. Ironically, man is the result of the crosspoint of two non-existent objects: the nothingness of the expired past, and the nothingness of the still immaterial future. Man resides in a tiny fraction of a second, struggling to stay in the present and not trip down and get swallowed by the past; and pacing himself according to the wills of time, not running ahead of what is supposed to be happening. Man lives now, and in this now, man chooses his path. The past cannot be touched, but this doesn't mean that the present is untouchable as well -- a result of a predetermined path even before he is born. Man is greatly limited in his temporailty, but in his limitations, he sees his true potential, and develops it, making man more man and man live in a more meaningful environment.

It is never true that man is powerless to change his course in destiny. In man's simple actions, such as smiling to a friend, looking at a stranger, or helping an elderly cross the street, he may be writing a future of a parter in life, a newfound friend, and even maybe a simple, sincere, and warm expression of gratitude. Man can change everything if he desires to, and because of historicity, man is always aware of his limitations and his possibilities.




We never have time for anything. We make time for everything.

Sorry September

Rolf lives to write. Each and every day, he never fails to satiate his drive to write about life, love, and people. He vividly expresses his thoughts with colorful words fresh with the hues of happiness and greatness. His sentences bring music to the seemingly monotonous clicking of the keys of his old keyboard. His words containing the imagery of his boundless imagination and deep reflections about the passing day immortalizes each and every memory into an invisible book free from the boundaries of time. He will just look at his dried daisy framed on the wall, and all manners of eloquence and ideas pours forth from his mind into his hands.

That daisy was given to him by someone special. It was given by a person whom he loved deeply, and whose memories he cherished for forever. The daisy is a reminder of how stagnant time felt the very first time their eyes met. With the minuscule increment of time, he felt each and every surreal feeling inside his deeply wounded heart.

But one uneventful day under a beautiful cerulean sky, the daisy of September died. Somehow, and for some reason, it fell to the concrete floor. The glass that enclosed it from the living air shattered into three pieces: the shard of the past, the piece of the present, and the glimpse of the future. The unique redness of the daisy turned into a lifeless and depressing shade of brown. Its beauty turned into a mourned sorrow as time took its recourse on the flower made eternal by his love.

All Rolf could do was cry. Time moved on, but whether Rolf was left behind or not remained unknown.

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Blog, sorry. Sadyang abala lang talaga ako at ang dami kong pinagdadaanan ngayon. Gusto ko nang sumuko, ngunit hindi ko rin alam kung bakit hindi ko kayang sumuko. Nalulungkot akong sabihin sa iyo na sa mga panahong ito, hindi ka makakatulong sa akin. Kailangan ko ng isang taong talagang makaiintindi ng aking kinalalagyan, ngunit iyan na rin ang problema: wala akong malapitan. Blog, sana kahit sa isang Sabado lang, maging tao ka at tulungan ako. Kailangan ko ngayon ng mayayakap.

Sleep

To whom it may concern,
Or for those who have concern:

Here is the short list of my week, with requirements:

Tuesday, September 9, 2008
- CS179.15A Detailed Concept Paper
Progress? Almost done.

- Software Installation at St. Therese's College
Confirmation? I can't join Ma'am Didith and Sir Saichi since I have a report to do.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008
- CS123 Oracle Financials Report
Progess? Haven't started yet.

- Data Gathering at St. Therese's College
Confirmation? Most probably I cannot join Ma'am Didith and Sir Saichi again since I have a long test the following day.

Thursday, September 11, 2008
- CS152 Second Long Test
Progress? Haven't studied caches and assembly.

- Gathered Data Compilation
Confirmation? Not sure yet, I have a long test in the morning.

Saturday & Sunday, September 13-14, 2008
- Ateneo College Entrance Test Proctor
Call time? 5:45am. Yes, in the morning.


I am perpetually drained of sleep. Every passing week is tougher than the previous one.


Basically, I can't write of anything since I feel tired. My brain feels drained, and my emotions are starting to get tired as well.

I find myself stupid. Even if my body is at the brink of collapsing, my will still finds a hidden ounce of strength to walk a distance and go to Timezone in Gateway.


*sigh


I miss substantial blogging. It's just that everything seems to be draining away, into the nether abyss. The solace I find in the places I love going to is slowly starting to morph into a depressing state of solitude.

I hope as I sleep, I dream of myself free from work, basking in the cool air and loud noise of someplace chaotic. There, our eyes would meet, hopefully building a bridge for friendship to cross the turbulent waters between two strangers.

Till next time, and I hope there is a next time. Something tells me time is running inadequate.

Pressure ~ Feelings

It is one of those blog posts wherein I feel pressured to write something because I feel that I am starting to neglect my blog again. It's not that. I've been really busy during the past few days. Rage almost consumed me when Fr. Arcilla moved our long test from the following week to the following Thursday. My plans for the week was instantly destroyed as I silently sat on my armchair, restraining my fury and nursing my malevolent intentions. My plan was to study during the weekend and take a little time off during the rest of the days. But, Fr. Arcilla's "unplanned" trip to Mexico made me push my mind and body to its extreme limits. I felt I was at the verge of a mental implosion coupled with an instantaneous shutdown of my bodily functions. For two or three nights in a row, I found myself sleeping even past the witching hours. I woke up to cloudy mornings with an unfamiliar emptiness and lightness in my head.

Oh well. I can say bye-bye to that long test. Apparently, I was so worked up that I messed up the facts that were essential in answering the question. I coined the ship "Bertha" as "Brusa", and I may bewilder historians as I said that there was an embassy in New York during the times of the La Gloriosa and the Cavite Mutiny.

Anyway, I was appointed as the project head of GA3 this year. I'm a little worried that I can't do it, but I'm also excited about it even right now. I also joined a committee on Loopback, an event with the alumni of CompSAt.

Some things are just happening, and I cannot do anything about it. Happy things are happening, but I cannot fully embrace its warm feeling since I am in the midst of the embrace of sadness. Two of my greatest blockmates will be leaving for France in three days. I don't know how my best friend feels about what he's going through, but that's okay I guess. We made an agreement that we won't pressure each other to tell about our own problems. The feelings I have for a friend of mine are still inside my heart, although these feelings aren't as painful as before.

Life.

The ACET will be held next Saturday and Sunday. I'm looking forward to it since I will be proctoring for the two whole days of it, and I will be earning my very first salary. Somehow and in some way, all these responsibilities that I have taken up or have been imposed on me makes me feel all grown-up. Well, I'm already 20, but I still find myself isip-bata.

---

I'll miss you two.
Don't stay sad too long.
Thanks for recognizing me when I passed by. You made my day.

Part Time Work Again?

Nag-apply ako as an assistant ni Ma'am Didith doon sa research project niya. I was tasked to find a screencast software at dahil buti na lang, na bring up ang topic na ito sa forums ng CompSAt, nakahanap at nakatest ako agad. Actually, kaka-mail ko lang kay Ma'am Didith yung tungkol dito sa AviScreen. Well, hindi ko alam kung bibigyan ako ni Ma'am Didith ng sweldo, pero malamang hindi kasi sinabi ko sa kanya na i-credit na lang yung work ko as service hours. Medyo nanghihinayang din ako at some level since natapos ko na yung service work ko last Friday, pero o well, excess hours na lang siguro yung work ko under Ma'am Didith.

Kahapon, nagpunta kami sa bahay ni Andrea sa Bel-Air in Makati. Ang astig ng bahay nila. Japanese motif, pero very modern ang feel. The way their house opens at the side just blew me away. It was bare since the house was for rent, but it still had the feeling of minimalist elegance and simple beauty. Lumangoy rin kami sa pool. The water felt great, lalo na kung marami kang iniisip na mga bagay-bagay.

Sasali na rin ako sa Documentations ng Omegathlon at sa isang committee ng Loopback. I need to bury myself under work, kasi siya, lagi na lang busy.

Hay.

Yes, I know. Another post without significant substance. I'll be thinking of a tag for these kind of posts.

Desperate Measures [Act II]

Pasensya na. It seems hindi ako makapagpost ng something substantial sa blog ko these past few days. Lagi na lang kasing siya yung nasa isip ko, at hindi ko alam kung matutuwa ba ako o malulungkot.

Nasa gitna na ang feelings ko. Kapag wala ako doon, hinahanap ko siya, pero kapag andoon na ako, medyo nababawasan yung paghahanap ko sa kanya. Hindi ko alam. Parang unti-unti nang nawawala ang feelings ko para sa kanya, at dahil dito, nalilito na ako.

Hindi ko alam kung matutuwa ba ako dahil nawawala na yung feelings ko para sa kanya. Parang ganito kasi pakiramdam ko, wala namang patutunguhan itong kalokohang ito at mabuti nang maagapan habang maaga. Pero gusto ko ring malungkot dahil gusto ko talaga siya makilala. Sinabi ko dati na magiging masaya ako kung magawa ko nang matingnan siya ulit sa mata, pero sa totoo lang, sinasabi ko lang ito para naman kahit papaano, maging masaya ako sa aking mga pagkukunwari.

Hay. Buhay naman talaga.

Should I let go?

Nakakalungkot lang din isipin ito kasi parang ngayon ko lang talaga naramdaman yung kagustuhan kong ipagpatuloy ang mga ganitong klase ng damdamin.

Desperate Measures [Act I]

Hay. Hindi ko na alam kung ano bang dapat kong maramdaman. Kasi naman eh. Lagi na lang siyang busy. Gusto ko siyang kausapin, pero parang laging may humahadlang. Tapos parang hindi ko na siya kayang tingnan sa mata. Ewan ko ba. Siguro, gusto ko lang talaga siyang makilala as someone more than a staff of Timezone. Sobrang naiinis ako sa sarili ko kasi yun nga, dati naman, wala akong pakialam sa kanya. Pero ano bang nangyari kasi? Bakit nagkaganito ang pakiramdam ko? Yun bang lagi ko na siyang naiisip, tapos hindi ko siya kayang tingnan ng diretso, at hinahanap-hanap ko naman siya kung wala siya doon. Hay nako. Feelings naman talaga o. Pero hindi ko rin alam kung bakit. Parang gusto ko yung ganitong feeling dahil I'm looking forward for something, pero yun nga, masakit siya most of the time. Masakit sa loob. Masakit sa puso. Pero wala, patuloy pa rin ako sa pagtahak ng landas na ito. Hindi ko nga alam eh. Dati naman, hindi ako ganito. Parang kung may feelings ako para sa isang tao, hahayaan ko na lang ito at bahala na kung anong mangyari dito. Pero ngayon, parang pinaglalaban ko yung feelings ko, in some way or another. Parang gusto kong i-pursue ang ganitong feelings at hayaan ang aking sarili na mapadpad sa saanmang lugar, masaya man o malungkot. Hindi katulad ng dati na hinahayaan kong iwanan ako ng aking mga nararamdaman sa pag-usad o paglubog nito. Pero ngayon, parang mahigpit kong tangan ang mga nararamdaman kong ito. Hay. Kahit papaano, masasabi kong hindi ako malungkot kanina. Hindi ko alam kung masaya nga ba ako, pero alam kong hindi ako malungkot. Ang hirap naman kasing maging ganito eh. Parang hindi ko na talaga alam yung gagawin ko. Pero hindi, sinabi ko sa sarili ko na susubukin ko munang iisantabi ang aking mga nararamdaman dahil ito ang higit na makabubuti sa akin. Pero madalas pa rin akong napapaisip kung ano nga ba ang iniisip niya. Totoo nga bang "good signs" yung nag-iisang ngiti niya na iyon? O baka naman wala lang iyon para sa kanya? Feeling ko, wala lang 'yun para sa kanya at ako lang nag naglalagay ng kahulugang gusto ko sanang mangyari talaga. Gusto ko lang sanang makita siyang ngumiti ulit kasi iba talaga yung naramdaman ko nung nginitian niya ako. Parang biglang nabuo ang aking loob. Parang biglang umapaw ang kaligayahan sa aking puso. Naaninag ko ng panandalian ang tunay na kaligayahan noong tiningnan niya ako sa aking mga mata at ngumiti.

Under a Starless Sky: Crimson Eclipse

Tita Nene died when I was two years old. I could hardly remember anything about her: I cannot recall her voice, the way she looked, the length of her hair, or even the smell of her perfume. She has always been just a beautiful lady in the picture in the room directly above mine. My parents had told me that she fondly called me "Ongpong," her favorite nephew. They said she treated me as if I was her own child, but sadly, my memory as a two-year-old simply cannot remember.

Yesterday was her 18th death anniversary. As always, we went to visit her in Loyola.

We bought her white orchids. I cannot exactly recall, but I know that her favorite color was white. Nanay liked green, while Tatay liked blue, if I remember right.

O, 'lina kayo. Magdasal na tayo.

As they made the Sign of the Cross and started to utter the Our Father, I stepped back a few paces. I looked at Tita Nene's name engraved on the marble. For some reason, I felt different. I have been looking at the same grave marker for three years now (since it was changed when Nanay passed away three years ago). I have been looking at the same name for eighteen years, but it was during that time I felt different. Somehow, I felt a happy embrace protect my whole being, but within that embrace lied a sorrow loneliness. I didn't know how my feelings came to that unusual conglomerate, but it made me look up at the sky covered in a thin sheet of misty clouds.

Tita Nene... Kumusta na kayo diyan nina Nay at Tay?

The afternoon sun and the ephemeral clouds coalescenced into a yellow figure in the distant horizon. The beautiful sight kept me in a trance of idleness. My mind felt blank, my body felt blank, and worst of all, my heart and feelings felt blank.

Rudolf, halika na!

The golden figure in the distant horizon had changed, me unaware of it. It has turned into a fiery blaze burning and ravaging the peace in the sky. It was like a hell in heaven, a fragment of sorrow inside paradise.

Tita Nene, bakit ba ang lungkut-lungkot ng pakiramdam ko? Bakit ba napaka-lonely ng feeling ko miski na marami akong mabubuting kaibigan at masaya naman kasama kahit papaano sina Mamie, Dadee, Kuya, at Ate?

The flames in the sky claimed my peace and burned it selfishly away. As I stared at Tita Nene's name engraved on their marker, I tried to search for the answer deep inside my heart.

And it was that time
that I reallized that my heart was the problem.

The crimson eclipse that astonished me probably burned the happiness I keep on searching. The vibrant flames of that conflagrant sea kept burning my hands whenever I tried to reach a happy memory. Everything seemed so near, but everything felt so distant, far away beyond the ardent horizon.



Again, I am left under a starless sky, silently persevering to find what is missing.

Semikal Tres

Matagal ko nang gustong magpasemikal. Ngunit hindi ko ito magawa dahil lagi na lang tumututol si Mamie. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ayaw niya akong magpagupit ng semikal, miski yung hindi maikling maikli ang buhok. Nagdadalawang-isip din ako kahit papaano dahil una, meron akong puting marka sa aking noo dahil nagkaroon ako ng vetiligo noong ako'y sanggol pa, at ikalawa, baka hindi bagay sa akin ang semikal dahil sa aking pagsasalat at paghihimas sa aking ulo, tila yata hindi maganda ang hugis nito. Tinanung-tanong ko rin ang aking mga kaibigan, at sinabi nila na baka nga raw hindi bumagay sa akin ang semikal. Medyo patag kasi ang likod ng ulo ko. At ang sabi pa sa akin ni Ate noong isang araw, ang semikal daw ay para lamang sa mga gifted.

Kaya kanina, nagpasemikal ako. Sinunggaban ko na ang pagkakataong wala sa bahay si Mamie dahil may project siya sa Mindoro.

Pagkababa ko ng bus galing sa Gateway, tumungo agad ako sa parlor ni Milai. Wala siyang inaasikaso, kaya natanong ko agad siya kung babagay ba sa akin ang semikal.

Oo naman noh, 'di ba nga i-semikal na dapat kita dateh?

Tinanong ko rin sa kanya kung gaano kahaba ang tres.

Mahaba!

Pati na rin yung dos.

Mas maikli sa tres. Yung uno kashi, ano, halos ahit na ahit na.

Sinabi ko na lang kay Milai na tres na lang muna, dahil madaling gawing dos ang tres. Medyo mahirap yatang ibalik sa tres ang dos dahil sandamakmak na pandikit ang kailangan ng prosesong iyon.

Pinaandar ni Milai ang kanyang razor. Napuno ng huni ang buong parlor nila. Ikinabit ni Milai ang ngipin ng razor para sa tres, at sinimulang araruhin ang malago kong buhok.

Ang bilis kasing humaba ng buhok mo eh, ano?

Matapos ang ilang saglit ng pagdaan ng kanyang razor sa aking bumbunan, nakita ko na ang hugis ng aking ulo. Hindi ako makapaniwala dahil maayos naman pala ang itsura nito. Medyo hindi pa lang nga ako sanay tuwing mananalamin ako. Medyo sumasayad pa rin sa isip ko na

Sino ba itong kaharap kong ito? Ang pogi naman niya.
Ay teka, ako ito eh.

Haha. Sabaw na kasi ako sa pag-aaral para sa aking Ph101 oral midterm exam sa Sabado.

At ang gaan-gaan na ng aking ulo.

Dahil sa Reva Slippers ni Kuya Rodel

When I woke up yesterday morning, it was raining. The rain poured as if there was no tomorrow. Fighting all the strong urges not to go to school, I readied myself to leave. I stepped outside and looked at the weather. The sky was a deep gray, but somehow, the sun was peeping through the curtain of impending showers. As it drizzled mildly outside, I quickly wore a pair of jeans and shoes, opened my umbrella, and left as soon as possible to take advantage of the slightly nice weather. But things turned bad as soon as I hopped off the tricycle.

The gentle drizzle which broke the sunlight into a wonderful splash of colors suddenly turned into a violent maelstrom that ripped the rays of the sun into nothingness. My puny umbrella was no match against the strong and cold winds that battered the street. I tightly embraced my bag and protected my laptop which was deep within my bag. The rains slightly hampered its attack which left me wet from my belt below.

I decided to turn back, and change. I was in no condition to go to school that wet.

Things raced across my mind as I was heading back home. I told myself I should have had just worn slippers and shorts instead of shoes and jeans. But my back tingled in a negative way whenever I thought of the floodwater which carried whatever things I don't want to mention, or even think about. I have always worn shoes because of that compulsive reason. And in jeans, my legs were kept warm inside my air-conditioned classrooms.

I got home, at ako ay sinalubong ni Ate Rosie, ang aming plantsadora.

Grabe! Biglang bumuhos yung ulan!

Dapat kasi hindi ka na lang pumasok eh! Haha

Nagmamadali akong pumasok sa aming bahay at sumugod sa aking silid. Inalis ko agad ang aking basang pantalon at sapatos at inilagay ang mga ito sa likod ng prigider. Hinanap ko ang shorts kong matagal ko nang hindi nagagamit, at ang tsinelas kong Reva na binili namin kay Kuya Rodel dati.

Kumusta na kaya si Kuya Rodel ngayon? Kumusta na kaya yung asawa niyang may bara sa puso? Hindi ko rin kasi alam kung natulungan nga ba ni Mamie sina Kuya Rodel, eh.

Nagmadali ulit akong umalis ng bahay. Tinangay ko ang isa naming payong dahil walang silbi ang aking payong sa hagupit ng ulan at hangin. Naramdaman ng aking mga paa ang lamig ng tubig -baha, at nabasa ang aking mga binti sa lakas ng buhos ng ulan.

At sa isang hindi kanais-nais na sitwasyon, natubog ang aking paa sa putik.

Sa totoo lang, nandiri ako.

Buti na lang, may malakas na agos ng tubig-baha na kung saan hinugasan ko ang aking putikang paa at puri.

Pero nandiri pa rin ako.

Noong bumaba ako sa Central at tumawid sa tulay, muli na namang nadumihan ang aking mga paa. Diring-diri ako pero wala akong magawa dahil huling-huli na ako sa aking klase. Doon, nakita ko si nanay na hindi makatawid dahil baha. Nilalagpasan lang siya ng mga taong nakakasalubong niya.

Nanay.

Inabot ko ang aking kamay. Malugod na inabot din ito ni nanay at naramdaman ko sa kanyang palad ang malaking pasasalamat.

Ay naku, maraming salamat!

Tinulungan kong tumulay si nanay sa mga batong inihagis niya sa bahang lagpas bukong-bukong.

Ngunit sa pagkakataong iyon, hindi ako nandiri sa tubig-bahang hindi ko alam kung saang lupalop ng mundo nanggaling at kung ano ang nilalaman.

Napakaganda ng aking pakiramdam na natulungan ko si nanay na makatawid sa may Central. Dahil ako'y nakatsinelas, nagawa ko siyang matulungan, hindi katulad ng ibang mga nakasapatos at nakapantalon. Dahil sa Reva Slippers ni Kuya Rodel, naramdaman kong muli kung gaano kadiri ang putik sa pa at ang tuyong tubig-baha sa mga binti. Naramdaman kong muli kung gaano nakakailang ang pakiramdam ng may dumi sa talampakan, at ang pakiramdam na matalamsikan ng maitim na putik sa binti.

Dahil sa Reva Slippers ni Kuya Rodel, naranasan ko ang isang uwang ng buhay ng mga taong nakatira sa laylayan ng lipunan. Dahil sa Reva Slippers ni Kuya Rodel, naranasan kong muli kung gaano kasaya mamuhay habang nilalasap ang mga mumunting bagay na lagi na lang hindi binibigyan ng pansin.

Natuto muli akong umapak sa lupa, at makita ang mga dapat makita.

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Nagkatinginan tayo
Ngumiti ka
Nabuo ang araw ko.