A Fault Lies Between Us

I slept early last night. My eyes turned against me when I was about to play Warriors Orochi. But even though I slept for eight hours, when I woke up this morning, I did not feel refreshed at all. I was even quite tired. That tired, sleepless feeling is the most frustrating feeling, because there is no way out of your tired state but to remain tired until you get sleepy.

And I guess I am just tired.

Earlier this afternoon, I had my first individual consultation with Ate Hi-C. She asked me several questions — about my goals for NSTP, my hopes for my tutees, and if I am alright with my kids. She asked me what characteristic of mine has strengthened because of NSTP. I tried to answer her question the best way I could, but she got confused. Both of us actually got confused.

"So, kapag kasama mo ang kids mo, you feel happy, but at the same time nasasad ka?"

"Hindi siguro nasasad Ate Hi-C. Siguro more of na naiinggit ako sa kanila. Oo, masaya ako dahil nakikita ko naman silang masaya, pero naiinggit ako dahil sa kasiyahang iyon. Itinatanong ko sa sarili ko kung papaano sila nagiging masaya. They have so little compared to us, but the happiness they possess in their smiles are different from our happiness. Parang mas masaya pa sila kaysa sa atin. Kaysa sa akin."

After that, I redrew the design on my canvas shoes. After I was satisfied enough, I ate my lunch. All I can remember after eating was me staring at the ceiling fans. I remember thinking, to my surprise, about nothing as I watched the fans oscillate in their pathetic axes. Before I noticed what I was doing, it was time for CS122.

BS Computer Science Specialization in Interactive Multimedia. Finally, I now have a reason to stay in my course besides my scholarship and the air-conditioned rooms.

I almost lost my lunch on my way home. I am not used in standing in an ordinary bus.

"Bakit ang dami mo na namang pimple! Meron na nung sabon mo dun, yun na ang gamitin mo!" Ate is clueless about the problems that are slowly withering my soul desperately clinging on because it needs to. I am holding on to everything all that I have remaining because I need to be strong for the ones who actually care for me, in their own apathetic way or another.

I am sorry. It is my fault that I feel this way. It is my fault that a crack has emerged in our friendship. If I knew I would only fall back on the hard, cold concrete, I wouldn't have relied on you to catch me. But you can still count on me to catch you when you fall. What are friends for? Well, that is assuming I am still your friend, because you are still my friend. I will understand if you decide not to talk to me anymore, text me, poke me as you usually do, ask if I'll eat in Jollibee or somewhere else, or even if you decide not to fly the kite with me anymore. It is my fault. And because of that, our friendship won't be the same as when the time I told myself you are one of my best friends.

I am sincerely sorry that now, a fault lies between us. Please just accept my apology, even if you don't mean it.

But honestly, I will still feel sad even if you do accept my apology. I have been shattered for too long that the fragments have been scattered by the gentle breeze that touched my face. The shards of the memories that I have sincerely treasured and placed beside my heart have escaped beyond the horizon that I always ignored before because I was with one of my best friends.

Now I know the reason why I feel envious to my kids. Now I know why.

They are not incomplete.


I have to say that I generalized my problem too much. Blockmates, if my post bothered you, I am sorry. It's my fault. You guys didn't do anything wrong for me to be depressed for over a month now. Promise, and thanks. It means a lot to me. Love ko pa rin kayo miski hindi ko naipapakita.