Part Time Work Again?

Nag-apply ako as an assistant ni Ma'am Didith doon sa research project niya. I was tasked to find a screencast software at dahil buti na lang, na bring up ang topic na ito sa forums ng CompSAt, nakahanap at nakatest ako agad. Actually, kaka-mail ko lang kay Ma'am Didith yung tungkol dito sa AviScreen. Well, hindi ko alam kung bibigyan ako ni Ma'am Didith ng sweldo, pero malamang hindi kasi sinabi ko sa kanya na i-credit na lang yung work ko as service hours. Medyo nanghihinayang din ako at some level since natapos ko na yung service work ko last Friday, pero o well, excess hours na lang siguro yung work ko under Ma'am Didith.

Kahapon, nagpunta kami sa bahay ni Andrea sa Bel-Air in Makati. Ang astig ng bahay nila. Japanese motif, pero very modern ang feel. The way their house opens at the side just blew me away. It was bare since the house was for rent, but it still had the feeling of minimalist elegance and simple beauty. Lumangoy rin kami sa pool. The water felt great, lalo na kung marami kang iniisip na mga bagay-bagay.

Sasali na rin ako sa Documentations ng Omegathlon at sa isang committee ng Loopback. I need to bury myself under work, kasi siya, lagi na lang busy.

Hay.

Yes, I know. Another post without significant substance. I'll be thinking of a tag for these kind of posts.

Desperate Measures [Act II]

Pasensya na. It seems hindi ako makapagpost ng something substantial sa blog ko these past few days. Lagi na lang kasing siya yung nasa isip ko, at hindi ko alam kung matutuwa ba ako o malulungkot.

Nasa gitna na ang feelings ko. Kapag wala ako doon, hinahanap ko siya, pero kapag andoon na ako, medyo nababawasan yung paghahanap ko sa kanya. Hindi ko alam. Parang unti-unti nang nawawala ang feelings ko para sa kanya, at dahil dito, nalilito na ako.

Hindi ko alam kung matutuwa ba ako dahil nawawala na yung feelings ko para sa kanya. Parang ganito kasi pakiramdam ko, wala namang patutunguhan itong kalokohang ito at mabuti nang maagapan habang maaga. Pero gusto ko ring malungkot dahil gusto ko talaga siya makilala. Sinabi ko dati na magiging masaya ako kung magawa ko nang matingnan siya ulit sa mata, pero sa totoo lang, sinasabi ko lang ito para naman kahit papaano, maging masaya ako sa aking mga pagkukunwari.

Hay. Buhay naman talaga.

Should I let go?

Nakakalungkot lang din isipin ito kasi parang ngayon ko lang talaga naramdaman yung kagustuhan kong ipagpatuloy ang mga ganitong klase ng damdamin.

Desperate Measures [Act I]

Hay. Hindi ko na alam kung ano bang dapat kong maramdaman. Kasi naman eh. Lagi na lang siyang busy. Gusto ko siyang kausapin, pero parang laging may humahadlang. Tapos parang hindi ko na siya kayang tingnan sa mata. Ewan ko ba. Siguro, gusto ko lang talaga siyang makilala as someone more than a staff of Timezone. Sobrang naiinis ako sa sarili ko kasi yun nga, dati naman, wala akong pakialam sa kanya. Pero ano bang nangyari kasi? Bakit nagkaganito ang pakiramdam ko? Yun bang lagi ko na siyang naiisip, tapos hindi ko siya kayang tingnan ng diretso, at hinahanap-hanap ko naman siya kung wala siya doon. Hay nako. Feelings naman talaga o. Pero hindi ko rin alam kung bakit. Parang gusto ko yung ganitong feeling dahil I'm looking forward for something, pero yun nga, masakit siya most of the time. Masakit sa loob. Masakit sa puso. Pero wala, patuloy pa rin ako sa pagtahak ng landas na ito. Hindi ko nga alam eh. Dati naman, hindi ako ganito. Parang kung may feelings ako para sa isang tao, hahayaan ko na lang ito at bahala na kung anong mangyari dito. Pero ngayon, parang pinaglalaban ko yung feelings ko, in some way or another. Parang gusto kong i-pursue ang ganitong feelings at hayaan ang aking sarili na mapadpad sa saanmang lugar, masaya man o malungkot. Hindi katulad ng dati na hinahayaan kong iwanan ako ng aking mga nararamdaman sa pag-usad o paglubog nito. Pero ngayon, parang mahigpit kong tangan ang mga nararamdaman kong ito. Hay. Kahit papaano, masasabi kong hindi ako malungkot kanina. Hindi ko alam kung masaya nga ba ako, pero alam kong hindi ako malungkot. Ang hirap naman kasing maging ganito eh. Parang hindi ko na talaga alam yung gagawin ko. Pero hindi, sinabi ko sa sarili ko na susubukin ko munang iisantabi ang aking mga nararamdaman dahil ito ang higit na makabubuti sa akin. Pero madalas pa rin akong napapaisip kung ano nga ba ang iniisip niya. Totoo nga bang "good signs" yung nag-iisang ngiti niya na iyon? O baka naman wala lang iyon para sa kanya? Feeling ko, wala lang 'yun para sa kanya at ako lang nag naglalagay ng kahulugang gusto ko sanang mangyari talaga. Gusto ko lang sanang makita siyang ngumiti ulit kasi iba talaga yung naramdaman ko nung nginitian niya ako. Parang biglang nabuo ang aking loob. Parang biglang umapaw ang kaligayahan sa aking puso. Naaninag ko ng panandalian ang tunay na kaligayahan noong tiningnan niya ako sa aking mga mata at ngumiti.

Under a Starless Sky: Crimson Eclipse

Tita Nene died when I was two years old. I could hardly remember anything about her: I cannot recall her voice, the way she looked, the length of her hair, or even the smell of her perfume. She has always been just a beautiful lady in the picture in the room directly above mine. My parents had told me that she fondly called me "Ongpong," her favorite nephew. They said she treated me as if I was her own child, but sadly, my memory as a two-year-old simply cannot remember.

Yesterday was her 18th death anniversary. As always, we went to visit her in Loyola.

We bought her white orchids. I cannot exactly recall, but I know that her favorite color was white. Nanay liked green, while Tatay liked blue, if I remember right.

O, 'lina kayo. Magdasal na tayo.

As they made the Sign of the Cross and started to utter the Our Father, I stepped back a few paces. I looked at Tita Nene's name engraved on the marble. For some reason, I felt different. I have been looking at the same grave marker for three years now (since it was changed when Nanay passed away three years ago). I have been looking at the same name for eighteen years, but it was during that time I felt different. Somehow, I felt a happy embrace protect my whole being, but within that embrace lied a sorrow loneliness. I didn't know how my feelings came to that unusual conglomerate, but it made me look up at the sky covered in a thin sheet of misty clouds.

Tita Nene... Kumusta na kayo diyan nina Nay at Tay?

The afternoon sun and the ephemeral clouds coalescenced into a yellow figure in the distant horizon. The beautiful sight kept me in a trance of idleness. My mind felt blank, my body felt blank, and worst of all, my heart and feelings felt blank.

Rudolf, halika na!

The golden figure in the distant horizon had changed, me unaware of it. It has turned into a fiery blaze burning and ravaging the peace in the sky. It was like a hell in heaven, a fragment of sorrow inside paradise.

Tita Nene, bakit ba ang lungkut-lungkot ng pakiramdam ko? Bakit ba napaka-lonely ng feeling ko miski na marami akong mabubuting kaibigan at masaya naman kasama kahit papaano sina Mamie, Dadee, Kuya, at Ate?

The flames in the sky claimed my peace and burned it selfishly away. As I stared at Tita Nene's name engraved on their marker, I tried to search for the answer deep inside my heart.

And it was that time
that I reallized that my heart was the problem.

The crimson eclipse that astonished me probably burned the happiness I keep on searching. The vibrant flames of that conflagrant sea kept burning my hands whenever I tried to reach a happy memory. Everything seemed so near, but everything felt so distant, far away beyond the ardent horizon.



Again, I am left under a starless sky, silently persevering to find what is missing.

Semikal Tres

Matagal ko nang gustong magpasemikal. Ngunit hindi ko ito magawa dahil lagi na lang tumututol si Mamie. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ayaw niya akong magpagupit ng semikal, miski yung hindi maikling maikli ang buhok. Nagdadalawang-isip din ako kahit papaano dahil una, meron akong puting marka sa aking noo dahil nagkaroon ako ng vetiligo noong ako'y sanggol pa, at ikalawa, baka hindi bagay sa akin ang semikal dahil sa aking pagsasalat at paghihimas sa aking ulo, tila yata hindi maganda ang hugis nito. Tinanung-tanong ko rin ang aking mga kaibigan, at sinabi nila na baka nga raw hindi bumagay sa akin ang semikal. Medyo patag kasi ang likod ng ulo ko. At ang sabi pa sa akin ni Ate noong isang araw, ang semikal daw ay para lamang sa mga gifted.

Kaya kanina, nagpasemikal ako. Sinunggaban ko na ang pagkakataong wala sa bahay si Mamie dahil may project siya sa Mindoro.

Pagkababa ko ng bus galing sa Gateway, tumungo agad ako sa parlor ni Milai. Wala siyang inaasikaso, kaya natanong ko agad siya kung babagay ba sa akin ang semikal.

Oo naman noh, 'di ba nga i-semikal na dapat kita dateh?

Tinanong ko rin sa kanya kung gaano kahaba ang tres.

Mahaba!

Pati na rin yung dos.

Mas maikli sa tres. Yung uno kashi, ano, halos ahit na ahit na.

Sinabi ko na lang kay Milai na tres na lang muna, dahil madaling gawing dos ang tres. Medyo mahirap yatang ibalik sa tres ang dos dahil sandamakmak na pandikit ang kailangan ng prosesong iyon.

Pinaandar ni Milai ang kanyang razor. Napuno ng huni ang buong parlor nila. Ikinabit ni Milai ang ngipin ng razor para sa tres, at sinimulang araruhin ang malago kong buhok.

Ang bilis kasing humaba ng buhok mo eh, ano?

Matapos ang ilang saglit ng pagdaan ng kanyang razor sa aking bumbunan, nakita ko na ang hugis ng aking ulo. Hindi ako makapaniwala dahil maayos naman pala ang itsura nito. Medyo hindi pa lang nga ako sanay tuwing mananalamin ako. Medyo sumasayad pa rin sa isip ko na

Sino ba itong kaharap kong ito? Ang pogi naman niya.
Ay teka, ako ito eh.

Haha. Sabaw na kasi ako sa pag-aaral para sa aking Ph101 oral midterm exam sa Sabado.

At ang gaan-gaan na ng aking ulo.

Dahil sa Reva Slippers ni Kuya Rodel

When I woke up yesterday morning, it was raining. The rain poured as if there was no tomorrow. Fighting all the strong urges not to go to school, I readied myself to leave. I stepped outside and looked at the weather. The sky was a deep gray, but somehow, the sun was peeping through the curtain of impending showers. As it drizzled mildly outside, I quickly wore a pair of jeans and shoes, opened my umbrella, and left as soon as possible to take advantage of the slightly nice weather. But things turned bad as soon as I hopped off the tricycle.

The gentle drizzle which broke the sunlight into a wonderful splash of colors suddenly turned into a violent maelstrom that ripped the rays of the sun into nothingness. My puny umbrella was no match against the strong and cold winds that battered the street. I tightly embraced my bag and protected my laptop which was deep within my bag. The rains slightly hampered its attack which left me wet from my belt below.

I decided to turn back, and change. I was in no condition to go to school that wet.

Things raced across my mind as I was heading back home. I told myself I should have had just worn slippers and shorts instead of shoes and jeans. But my back tingled in a negative way whenever I thought of the floodwater which carried whatever things I don't want to mention, or even think about. I have always worn shoes because of that compulsive reason. And in jeans, my legs were kept warm inside my air-conditioned classrooms.

I got home, at ako ay sinalubong ni Ate Rosie, ang aming plantsadora.

Grabe! Biglang bumuhos yung ulan!

Dapat kasi hindi ka na lang pumasok eh! Haha

Nagmamadali akong pumasok sa aming bahay at sumugod sa aking silid. Inalis ko agad ang aking basang pantalon at sapatos at inilagay ang mga ito sa likod ng prigider. Hinanap ko ang shorts kong matagal ko nang hindi nagagamit, at ang tsinelas kong Reva na binili namin kay Kuya Rodel dati.

Kumusta na kaya si Kuya Rodel ngayon? Kumusta na kaya yung asawa niyang may bara sa puso? Hindi ko rin kasi alam kung natulungan nga ba ni Mamie sina Kuya Rodel, eh.

Nagmadali ulit akong umalis ng bahay. Tinangay ko ang isa naming payong dahil walang silbi ang aking payong sa hagupit ng ulan at hangin. Naramdaman ng aking mga paa ang lamig ng tubig -baha, at nabasa ang aking mga binti sa lakas ng buhos ng ulan.

At sa isang hindi kanais-nais na sitwasyon, natubog ang aking paa sa putik.

Sa totoo lang, nandiri ako.

Buti na lang, may malakas na agos ng tubig-baha na kung saan hinugasan ko ang aking putikang paa at puri.

Pero nandiri pa rin ako.

Noong bumaba ako sa Central at tumawid sa tulay, muli na namang nadumihan ang aking mga paa. Diring-diri ako pero wala akong magawa dahil huling-huli na ako sa aking klase. Doon, nakita ko si nanay na hindi makatawid dahil baha. Nilalagpasan lang siya ng mga taong nakakasalubong niya.

Nanay.

Inabot ko ang aking kamay. Malugod na inabot din ito ni nanay at naramdaman ko sa kanyang palad ang malaking pasasalamat.

Ay naku, maraming salamat!

Tinulungan kong tumulay si nanay sa mga batong inihagis niya sa bahang lagpas bukong-bukong.

Ngunit sa pagkakataong iyon, hindi ako nandiri sa tubig-bahang hindi ko alam kung saang lupalop ng mundo nanggaling at kung ano ang nilalaman.

Napakaganda ng aking pakiramdam na natulungan ko si nanay na makatawid sa may Central. Dahil ako'y nakatsinelas, nagawa ko siyang matulungan, hindi katulad ng ibang mga nakasapatos at nakapantalon. Dahil sa Reva Slippers ni Kuya Rodel, naramdaman kong muli kung gaano kadiri ang putik sa pa at ang tuyong tubig-baha sa mga binti. Naramdaman kong muli kung gaano nakakailang ang pakiramdam ng may dumi sa talampakan, at ang pakiramdam na matalamsikan ng maitim na putik sa binti.

Dahil sa Reva Slippers ni Kuya Rodel, naranasan ko ang isang uwang ng buhay ng mga taong nakatira sa laylayan ng lipunan. Dahil sa Reva Slippers ni Kuya Rodel, naranasan kong muli kung gaano kasaya mamuhay habang nilalasap ang mga mumunting bagay na lagi na lang hindi binibigyan ng pansin.

Natuto muli akong umapak sa lupa, at makita ang mga dapat makita.

---

Nagkatinginan tayo
Ngumiti ka
Nabuo ang araw ko.

Forever Asleep: Please Don't Die

A few weeks have passed with dreamless nights. The visions that lived in the subconscious part of my brain seemed to have left for good, but a few nights ago, it returned, only for it to say farewell.

I wish it is only a dream,
and yet it is a dream.
I want him to stay with me in my dreams

forever.

---

It was raining heavily. I was walking in the darkness as I tightly hugged my body for warmth underneath my rickety umbrella. The wet bursts of wind was too strong for my umbrella to take. The frigid strikes of the wind sheared and swayed my poor umbrella, and after a while of struggling, its demise was imminent. Moments later, I found myself drenched, running towards a sari-sari store, where suspicious looking people boisterously drank beer. Their breaths reeked of the putrid smell of the beverage, and their looks were saturated with alcohol.

I trembled slightly.

Oi pare, baka gusto mong uminom?!

What I feared the most happened.

Ah 'di bale na ho. Salamat na lang po.

Aba aba, hindi mo ba kilala kung sino ang kausap mo?

A grizzly looking man stood up and juggled a butterfly knife in his right hand with impossible dexterity. Cold sweat emanated from my pores. I tried to speak, but no words escaped my lips. I silently stood there, rooted to the spot. I pushed myself to hold back the tears of fear that were collecting in my eyes. Fear crippled my body into a quivering mass of fright as the giant man approached me with his weapon on his hand.

Sensing the fear that was taking over me, the man burst into a manic laughter that made chills run down my spine.

Aba aba. Totoy, natatakot ka ba?

His breath smelled like death itself. The alcohol in his benign breath plagued the air I breathed as I shivered in fear and in the bitter cold.

Hi..hindi..

And then, a solid and compact fist smashed my jaw. I flew several paces, and slammed painfully to the cold, wet cement road. The pain radiated from my jaw throughout my whole body. It felt as if something thorny gripped my whole body forcefully, and the more I tried to move, the more the thorns embedded itself into my skin. I tried to get up, but as soon as I got to my knees, the drunk man kicked me in my stomach. Gagging as the toes of his boots sank into my abdomen, I felt an unstoppable urge to vomit. I rolled over and soaked myself in a puddle of cold rainwater mixed with what appeared to be blood.

He laughed at me as pain consumed my being. His laugh echoed into the deepest part of my brain. The pain that covered me and his maddened laughter made me give up the fight and remain there, lying on the ground.

Masarap ba, totoy? Mas masarap ito...

He revealed the impossibly long blade hidden inside his butterfly knife. The sharp steel edge looked as if it has claimed countless lives of people before.

Was I about to die?

HAHA PUTANG INA MO TOTOY!

He thusted the knife downward with all his might as he clasped it in both of his barbaric hands.

I was unable to move anymore. The cold was too much to bear, and the pain was simply too great.

I looked at the midnight sky as rain continued to pour unmercilessly. Rain camouflaged the tears that were pouring from my tired, tired eyes. As the infinite drops of tears endlessly torrented, I thought of him, the man whom I met in my dreams of forever asleep. I thought of the man who made me feel alive and secure when I was at the brink of total sorrow and despair. I tried to remember how his deep voice was a melody to my crying soul. I tried to remember the warmth his muscular arms and toned chest blanketed me with in his endearing embrace. I tried to recall how soft his lips were as it gently touched my temple.

I tried to remember the security I felt when he held my hand tightly.

And then, there was the inhumane sound of a knife driving itself into human flesh. My breath stopped instantly as my body tremored feverishly.

I opened my eyes, and the very first thing I saw was his face. His deep brown eyes looked at my eyes. I felt his breath slowly getting weaker and weaker. His face showed no sign of weakness even if a knife has apparently stabbed him mortally in the back. He picked me up at planted me to his chest, and embraced me tightly just as before.

Sabi ko sayo, andito lang ako...

I felt an overwhelming sense of security and happiness. Even in the worst situation, I asked him if he could keep embracing me until the rains stopped. I asked him if he wanted to bask under the sun as he embraced me.

But the insane man kicked him forcefully and painfully aside.

Howling with delight and pleasure, he regained his stance and thrusted his blood-stained weapon towards my trembling body.

As I laid there, trembling under the cold rain, I thought of the moment when our eyes looked at each other. I retained that memory in my mind as the darkness slowly devoured my weakening vision.

Pwede na akong mamatay...
Hindi, gusto ko pa siyang makita ulit...

Then, in a flash of a silvery blur, an unimaginable pain pierced my chest.

I opened my eyes into the faint sunlight creeping into my room. My body trembling, I reached for my blanket and embraced myself into it. As I stared blankly at the ceiling, I felt a lone tear roll down on the side of my face.


It was just a dream.

But I hope I see you again.

Twenty Pesos

Holdup victim fighting for life
SOPHIA DEDACE, GMANews.TV
08/14/2008 | 11:47 AM

MANILA, Philippines - Antonia Marina "Tara" Santelices was described as an active and well-rounded person with a heart for the environment and an artistic flair. Many believed she has a promising future ahead of her.

But now, Tara - dressed in a hospital gown and wearing a thick bandage around her head - is fighting for her life on a hospital bed where she remains in a comatose for the eighth day since she was shot in the head during a hold-up incident in Cainta, Rizal last week.

"She's a very well-rounded person who is active in a lot of involvements," Tara's mother said.

“She's very artistic person. She is fond of reading books, she designs clothes and she performs with a band. At the same time, she is also an environmentalist," her friends added.

A Political Science graduate of the Ateneo de Manila University, Santelices is an independent film director and a guitarist of music bands Saffron Speedway and Scarlet Tears - passions that she juggles with her work as a research head of a non-government organization.

A robbery incident

But Tara's future was instantly changed by a single violent incident last August 6.

Santelices' friend - who requested anonymity for security reasons - said Tara and her best friend Joyce "Joee" Mejias were on a jeepney and on the way home shortly past Tuesday midnight when they fell victim to a group of holduppers in Cainta, Rizal.

Tara and her friend met at the Burger King branch along Marcos highway. From there, the two were supposed to move to another restaurant where they would celebrate Tara's birthday. Tara just turned 23.

"Tara and Joee met at a fast food chain along Marcos Highway and from there they decided to eat somewhere since it was Tara's birthday," the friend said.

"They rode an empty Ortigas Extension-bound jeep along Imelda Ave. and going there, dun na sumakay yung mga tao," she said.

But Tara and Joee never got to where they were supposed to go. And there were not going to be any celebrations, either.

Within minutes into the jeepney ride, a man - who sat beside Joee - took out a gun, declared a holdup, and pointed the gun to Tara.

"Yung struggle lang was with their bags, pero hindi naman sobrang hilahan yung nangyari," Tara's friend recalled Joee as recalling what happened.

After getting the passengers' bags, the holdupper got off the jeepney. But while he was getting off, he kept the gun trained at Tara. Unexpectedly, the gun went off as the suspect fled the scene.

Tara was hit.

"Joee was focusing on the gun when the man was getting off the jeepney. When the gun went off, she didn't see who was hit. When she looked at Tara, siya na nga yung natamaan," she said.

"High-risk"

According to the friend, Mejias asked the jeepney driver to rush them to the nearest hospital. However, passengers were still getting on and off the jeepney on the way to the Arnaiz Clinic along Imelda Avenue.

The clinic, however, didn't have the facilities to aid Santelices so she was taken to Amang Rodriguez Hospital, where her parents and Mejias’ parents followed.

At around 8 am, Santelices was again transferred to Medical City in Ortigas.

After some examinations at the Medical City, doctors found shrapnels in Tara's brain, which doctors said would require a delicate surgery to remove. Doctors described the operation as "high-risk" saying it can even further endanger Tara's life.

Not willing to take on that risk, Tara's parents decided not to go through with the surgery.

"There are still shrapnels inside Tara's head. And may hernia na. It's really a high-risk operation that might endanger Tara's life more," the friend said.

While police have released an artist sketch of the assailant, no arrests have been made.

Sympathies and support

To help raise funds for Tara's medical bills, her friends and former schoolmates have started a series of benefit gigs which will be running for the next two months.

"Tara is a member of two bands, that's why she knows people from the music scene," Santelices' friend said.

A bank account - under Anne Marie F. Santelices, Banco de Oro (savings account number 2140-062201) - was also set up to accommodate donations and other financial support for Tara.

Tara's mother said that their family did not expect the massive support from Tara's friends. "Our family is overwhelmed with the support of Tara's friends," Tara's mother said.

But more importantly, activities aimed at helping Tara also serve to educate the public that such violent incidents continue to happen.

"We want young people to be aware that these things happen. We want to prevent this from happening again," Tara's mother said. - GMANews.TV

---

This news came to my awareness as rumors at first. My classmates in Ph101 talked about an Atenean who was shot in the head when she refused to give her laptop. Yestserday, Sir Mariano told us about Tara's condition. He told us how difficult her condition was, and her friends and family were asking for any kind of support for their friend and family. Sir announced the gigs for Tara's cause, and he passed a short brown envelope with a label reading "4 TARA". As the envelop drew closer to my seat, I searched for my coin purse deep within my bag and got a twenty-peso bill out of it. I hid in from everyone's view and silently placed it inside the envelope, which I felt was filled with cash donations for Tara.

I passed the envelope to my right and listened to Sir Mariano's explanation of Calasanz' Ang Aking Katawan. My midterm oral exam is already next week, so I had to listen.

After class, he thanked the people who donated something for Tara. He was somewhat happy that we were ready to help even a person we do not know.

At para naman dun sa mga walang naibigay, ayos lang din naman iyon. Sana man lang kahit isang panalangin ay masabi ninyo para kay Tara.

I felt my heart slow down. My eyes darkened for an instant, and the air felt difficult if not impossible to breathe.

Am I too distant to even believe in prayer?



Tara, I hope you get well soon.



Is this what justice is to you?

BSOD

Meron yatang chronic illness itong laptop ko. Naayos ko na kasi yung palagiang blue screen of death niya, pero ngayon, bumalik na naman ito. Uminom lang ako ng tubig, at pagbalik ko sa aking kuwarto, ayun na. Lumitaw na naman ang BSOD na 0x0000008E daw ang error. Tumingin-tingin na rin ako ng mga solusyon para sa error na ito, at ayon sa mga nakita ko, baka raw faulty memory o kaya naman ay may driver na kailangang i-update. Maari din daw may underlying process kung bakit nagkakaganito. Hindi naman siguro malicious program ang sanhi ng BSOD kong ito dahil madalas naman akong mag-scan para sa mga virus, malware, at adware.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit nagkakaganito, pero may hinala ako kung tuwing kailan lumalabas ang error na ito. Kung tama ang aking hinala, tuwing mag-iinstall ako ng demanding na program sa aking laptop, babalik ang BSOD status niya hangga't ako ay mag chkdsk /f /r. Halimbawa, ngayon. Nilagyan ko ng Starcraft si lappy, at nagkaroon siya ulit ng dreaded BSOD na ito. Matapos kong gawin ang check disk, naging maayos naman na ulit. Ganoon din ang ginawa ko noong madalas magkaroon ng BSOD dati matapos kong lagyan ng Osu! at Silkroad ang laptop kong ito.

Hindi ko lang talaga matanto kung bakit nagkakaganito. May solusyon naman akong nahanap, pero hindi pa rin akong masyadong mapalagay dahil alam kong may problema. Nakakainis lang kasi dahil nakakagulat at nakakatakot. Bigla na lang kasing lumalabas ang BSOD na ito.

Kung sana lang, may warning. O baka naman yung BSOD na yung warning? Ewan ko ba.



Parang taong papasok sa iyong buhay at sa iyong puso, at sa isang iglap, bigla na lang maglalaho.



Kung may program man ang buhay ko, saan ko kaya mahahanap ang source code? Marami yata kasing error eh. Pero ang weird dito, miski may error, nagkocompile at gumagana pa rin ito.

Hay.

and Found

I've been worried that I have lost my discipline in terms of academics. For almost two and a half years now, I have always wondered what had happened to me as I entered college. I always questioned myself where all my studiousness in high school went as I took my first semester in the Loyola Schools, and up until now, I still do from time to time.

Before, I valued hard work and perseverance rather than academic excellence. During my high school days, I remember myself studying right away as soon as I got home. I remember how focused I was when I studied for a Trigonometry long test and me always getting scores not lower than 85. During those times, physics was very easy for me, and my classmates always approached me if they did not understand the lesson. I remember the times when I would patiently read a hundred pages worth of readings from Noli me Tangere and El Filibusterismo. I know I worked hard and made it a point to always do my best. I graduated with second honors in high school, the highest in my class of F2006.

But things changed during college. I started to fail subjects. I started to give up easily. I started to curse my weakness.

My world was rattled. I was struggling in numerous subjects, but my classmates weren't. They were getting A's or B's in math, while the highest I ever got was a C+. They easily understood the fundamental concepts in physics, while I was having a hard time retaining them in my head. Everyone was coming up with spectacular and efficient codes and programs, while I coded mine with brute force. It seemed that straining and pushing myself to do my best was not enough. Effort did not compare to achievements.

No.
Effort seemed incomparable to achievements.

I never really tried to determine the cause of my sudden plunge to failure. I guess college is just plain tougher than high school. Or maybe I lost my self-esteem on numerous failures that I faced, and it was my great mistake that I did not use these mistakes as stepping stones to see what was going on. Those failures ruined me bit by bit until it has totally eroded my confidence and belief in myself.

But there are these few times that a little voice echoes within my mind telling me to go home since I have to study a lesson. Maybe the diligence people say I have is still somewhere inside me, and all I need to do is to believe in myself again. Maybe I really did not lose the discipline that I know I have.

And maybe this is the reason why I am still in the Loyola Schools, still putting all my efforts to do my best.

There we go.

But first, please let me wallow in this partial freedom I am enjoying now. Four days worth of major requirements is not easy.

The Daydreamer

NBPC - The Daydreamer

Nature, Background, Big Picture, and Color

You perceive the world with particular attention to nature. You focus on the hidden treasures of life (the background) and how that fits into the larger picture. You are also particularly drawn towards the colors around you. Because of the value you place on nature, you tend to find comfort in more subdued settings and find energy in solitude. You like to ponder ideas and imagine the many possibilities of your life without worrying about the details or specifics. You are in tune with all that is around you and understand your life as part of a larger whole. You are a down-to-earth person who enjoys going with the flow.

The Perception Personality Image Test

The Knight's City Guard

Only 10-13% of the population score this.

The Knight’s City Guard is characterized by the desire to serve others in times of need. Sometimes this drive is so powerful that the standard ‘give-and-take’ is unsatisfying. They are bound very much to social convention and don’t like to include moral or political controversy. The City Guard is often forgotten because they are so reliable. They are loyal and great producers of quality – which end up allowing others to take for granted what the City Guard gives. They are hurt by being treated as a doormat but are unwilling to toot their own horn about accomplishments. This is due to that it feels somewhat wrong to want a reward for doing work which is a virtue in itself.

The City Guard can be overworked and suffer from self inflicted headaches. They are methodical workers with good memories and analytical abilities. They are great in small groups because of their patience. They make pleasant co-workers and better employees. They tend to feel a bit harried by supervisory roles. They form strong loyalties of a personal nature. This is opposed to institutional loyalty. If someone leaves the company that’s close to this type – they may leave as well. They are perfect as teachers, administrators, clerics and fit right in amongst nursing or medical careers.

The Knight’s City guard is concerned with harmony and traditional behavior. They have a few close friends and are extremely loyal. Don’t confront them, they hate that. Also if the Knight’s City Guard is moody – it could be because they haven’t shared something of importance. Most friends of the City Guard feel ashamed later when finding out why the Guard refused to share the source of their trouble. This ‘Pawn’ is wonderful because they are the diplomat of emotions and needs. They are society’s most constructive and protective member.

Which Chess Piece are You?

Lost

I woke up at 9:15 this morning at the boisterous alarm of my phone. It had been probably ringing for over an hour. For a 10:30am class, that awakening from deep slumber was plain spectacular, as I needed to leave the house at least 45 minutes before my first class. And to add to that, it took me forever to complete my morning rituals. But my body filled with a certain sluggish feeling managed to miraculously prepare itself to leave the house at around 9:45am. My body hastily ate a meager breakfast, took a very brief bath, and dressed up in no time. I grabbed my things and bolted outside.

It is a custom of mine to tap my left pocket, then my right as I turn to Mt. Rainier.

I felt my handkerchief deep inside my left pocket. I remember going inside my parents' room to grab a hanky after I applied foot powder to of course, my feet.

I brushed my palm over my right pocket. Something felt missing.

The familiar bump on my right pocket was absent. The hard, rectangular shaped feeling was not present when I placed my palm on my pocket.

My phone was not there.

I hurried back as I winced at the glares of the workers I passed. I opened our gate, and headed straight to my room. As it turned out, my phone was covered by my blanket. I was too much in a hurry that I failed to properly fix my bed.

As I rushed to the main street of our subdivision, something kept popping in my mind. In the past, my phone was always ringing with text messages. I always kept it loud enough for me to hear if a message arrived. In school, I would secretly take my phone out of my pocket and hide it from my teacher's eyes and read whatever message had just arrived. My battery was always drained empty or was always low because of the constant ringing or vibration, activation of the screen, and sending of text messages. My thumbs, most of the time, were always pressing the keys of my phone in absolute speed and precision.

As I waited for a tricycle to take me outside, I constantly looked at my 43-minute advanced phone to take note of the time. I would open it slightly, just enough for the LCD on the top side of it to illuminate and display the time in big, bold, black numbers.

10:26

10:27

10:28

Minutes were ticking by. No tricycle appeared to give me a ride.

10:34

10:35

10:36

After an agonizing 10 minutes, I was able to get a tricycle.

It was almost 10:00am. I had almost less than 30 minutes to spare.

I sat behind manong tricycle's back and looked distantly at the scenes flying across my eyes like I always did. As the outside world became blurred with our velocity, I suddenly realized one thing:

I have never left behind my phone before. Never.

I never left it during the times when it was always humming silently in my right pocket, as it waited for me to see its pleasant surprise. It was always with me during the times when it was always loaded. It was always with me during the times I needed to plug my phone to charge it every other day, not like now that even after two days, it still has two out of the three bars lit.

10:37

10:38

10:39

10:40

But now, it tells nothing but time.





I don't need time. I'm tired of waiting.

Take Care, Mika

Tutungo na sa San Francisco, California si Mika sa Lunes. Nagparticipate kasi siya sa Junior Term Abroad Program ng Department of Information Systems and Computer Science. At kanina (kagabi to be more correct), despedida niya.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ba talaga dapat ang dapat kong maramdaman. Nag-aalala ako para kay Mika, miski na alam ko na isa siyang matatag na tao. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, siguro nag-aalala lang ako para sa kanya bilang isang kaibigan at isang blockmate.

I just particularly hate goodbyes, miski na panandalian lang ang kanyang pag-alis. Mga apat na buwan siya mananatili sa kanyang JTA school sa San Francisco. Natatakot daw si Mika na baka pagbalik niya galing sa States, hindi na niya raw makilala ang Block N. Baka raw after four or so months na wala siya, mag-iba na nang tuluyan ang Block N o 'di naman kaya'y magkawatak-watak na talaga.

Pero Mika, sa totoo lang, medyo hindi ko na nararamdaman ang "Block N" ngayon pa lamang.

Ingat ka Mika. Hanggang sa muli. Mahal ka namin ng Block N.

Part-time Work?

I was running late this morning. Since I fixed the browser problem of my laptop, for a week now, I've been sleeping at around 2 am solely because I am reading manga.

I cursed my luck. It was as if I was being deliberately slowed down by an outside force. I waited for so long to catch a tricycle exiting the subdivision. I waited even more to find an ordinary bus since I desperately needed its reckless speed to arrive at Central, but I ended up riding an aircon bus since the ordinary buses were overflowing with passengers. When I arrived at UP, at least, I was able to catch a jeep headed for Katipunan immediately.

I hurried to my first class. I just hurried because I was 20 minutes late in CS123 last Monday. Immediately after opening the stupid door which was hard to open, I focused my eyes in the front to see what was happening. To my surprise, Ma'am Lovenia wasn't there. Ate Mel was the one in there, conducting the evaluation for Ma'am Lovenia.

Ang aga naman po yata ng evaluation.

Dalawa na kasi yung evaluation ngayon.

I finished the evaluation form as fast as possible, since I had the strong urge to take a leak. I stepped outside, and I saw Ma'am Lovenia posting something on the corkboard of AJWCC.

They were looking for part-timers.

After class, I went over and looked at the blue ad Ma'am Lovenia posted earlier. Ateneo Java Wireless Competency Center was looking for people interested to work for them part-time as Graphic Designers, Mobile Game Testers, Junior Instructors, and other positions related to their field in Mobile Software and Technology. I was interested in applying, however, I didn't know why I felt something heavy in my chest whenever I thought of working part-time in AJWCC.

I asked a friend of mine for advice on what should I do.


Gusto kong mag-work part-time kasi gusto kong maexperience yung mag-work. But the thing is hindi ko alam kung bakit may part ng sarili ko na ayaw.

Basta, kung hindi ka 100% sure about anything, e 'di 'wag mong gawin.

Pero may doubts ako in anything I do...

I'm sure naman na not everything... There must be something na alam mong kayang-kaya mong gawin. Bakit ba ayaw mong gawin?

Yun nga eh. Hindi ko alam. Gusto ko, pero ayaw ko rin. Graaah.

Maybe because it's something different than what you're used to?


I don't know. Maybe that's the reason why. I'm so weak-willed the past few weeks that I'm even afraid to inquire about the job offering. Honestly, I felt really, really incompetent.

Maybe I'm afraid of a change since in the current state of things, I don't have someone to rely on. I'm so weak-willed because I have lost someone who brought a real and definite sense of security in my life.

I feel exposed to the harsh realities of life, but I cannot do anything but to face them. I have to face them. I need to.



I want to sleep. I really want to.

Nakatitig

Ang hina talaga ng loob ko.

Hindi rin naman kasi normal ang kalagayan ko eh. Hindi ito nangyayari sa lahat nga tao. Nangyayari lang ito sa mga taong katulad ko, katulad namin.

---

Lagi akong masaya tuwing Martes, Huwebes, at Biyernes dahil may pagkakataon akong makita kayong dalawa. Off ni ano yata tuwing Martes, at ikaw naman, hindi ko alam. Si ano kasi, lagi kong nakikita sa Timezone. Ikaw, paminsan wala, paminsan naman naroon ka. Pero gusto ko sanang kaibiganin kayong dalawa.

Nagsimula ang lahat noong nakipaglaro si ano sa akin ng House of the Dead. Mula noon, lagi ko nang napapansin si ano tuwing pupunta ako sa Timezone. Dati-rati, isa lamang siyang tao sa likod ng counter, pero simula noong araw na iyon, nag-iba na ang tingin ko sa kanya. Gumaan ang aking loob sa kanya, ngunit hindi ko ito mailabas ng maigi dahil hindi ko alam ang magiging reaksyon niya. Ikinubli ko na lang ang lahat sa aking loob dahil natatakot ako sa kung anong maaaring mangyari.

Ikaw naman, hindi ko alam. Bigla ka na lang sumulpot sa aking paningin noong isang araw habang hinahanap ko si ano. Hindi ko alam kung saan nanggaling ang damdamin ko para sa iyo.

Simula ng mga araw na iyon, iba na ang pakay ko sa aking pagpunta sa Gateway. Hindi lang dahil maglalaro ako, kundi dahil gusto ko rin kayong makita, kahit na sa malayo lang. Tuwing paalis na ako sa Timezone, lagi kong hinahanap ang inyong mga mukha upang kahit papaano, may maibaon ako sa aking pag-uwi.

Ngunit hindi ko alam kung papaano kayo kakausapin labas sa kailangang itawag niyo sa akin. Gusto ko talaga kayo kausapin hindi lang dahil may kailangan ako bilang isang taong tumatangkilik sa Timezone, kundi dahil gusto kong malaman kung ano na ba ang nangyari buhay ninyong dalawa.

Gusto ko lang sanang itanong kung kumusta na kayo.

Pero hindi ko ito magawa. Natatakot kasi ako.

Kaya pilit ko na lang kinukuntento ang aking sarili sa pagtitig sa inyong dalawa sa malayo habang ginagawa niyo ang inyong trabaho. Kung mangyari mang mapapatingin kayo sa akin, agad kong binabali ang aking titig sa inyong mga mata at kakabahan na bahagya dahil nga natatakot ako.

Ngunit hahanap ako ng paraan upang maipon ang aking tapang para man lang makangiti ako sa inyong dalawa tuwing magkakasalubong tayo ng daan at magtitinginan sa mata ng saglit.



Kinamumuhian ko ang aking sarili dahil hinayaan kong mamulat ako sa mga ganitong uri ng damdamin.

Ngunit sadyang ganito yata talaga ang nakatakda para sa akin.

Furigana: 夢幻

Forever Asleep

For a few nights now, I'm having a recurring dream of a man I do not know. It seems as if he visits me in my dreams for tomorrow.

And honestly, I want to remain asleep every time he visits me in my dreams.

---

After a brief moment of sleep, I woke up in the middle of the night. Darkness reigned my room, and my attempts to look at the time was all for nothing. In an unknown desire to deeply want to know the time, I searched my bed with my hands for my phone. As I extended my arm to reach the edge of my bed, I felt something warm and pleasant. I tried to figure out amidst the darkness what it was. I kept touching and feeling it with my left hand. After a few moments, it gently caressed my hand and held it compassionately. I was frightened at first, but that thing that lovingly latched onto my hand had something very comforting in it.

It was a hand of a man, who was apparently sleeping beside me until I woke him up.

Gising ka pa?

Ha? Sino ka naman?

He was a stranger to me. I don't remember inviting a friend of mine to sleep over at my house. I tried to recall whose was the deep voice I had just heard, but I really cannot think of anyone I knew. And to add to that, his voice sent a warm feeling all throughout my body, and I felt as if I was in a gentle embrace of a father.

E di sino pa.

He didn't answer my question. Fearing for the worse, I yanked my hand away from his grip. It was a weird feeling: as soon as I released my hand from his gentle clutch, I immediately felt sad, incomplete, and most of all, insecure. After I realized what I had done, I started shivering uncontrollably. I became frightened as the ambient warmth that flowed inside my body immediately turned into a chilling massacre of razor-sharp swords. It felt as if my breath was slowly being drained by the infinite darkness that surrounded my body. I wanted and tried to sit upright to release me from the heavy pressure my body was succumbing to, but my body seemed to be strongly anchored to my bed. I was frantically moving my whole body to free me from the invisible chasm that was restricting me. I was desperately searching for a pocket of fresh air as the air thinned out and took away all my strength with it. My lungs felt as it they were about to explode any moment, and all I could hear aside from myself trying so hard to breath was my heart beating in an impossible pace. The pain was too much to handle.

I really thought I was about to die.

But the man beside me laced his fingers with mine.

Nandito lang ako.

Miraculously, all the pain went away. His hand was like a beacon of hope in the darkness we were covered in. His hand blanketed me with an unknown sense of happiness, and gave me a warm breath of security. Somehow, and in some way, I felt alive once again.

Sino ka ba talaga?

E di sino pa.

He didn't answer my question once again. But that time, I decided not to let go of his hand. It was as if I had known this man for a very long time. I kept trying to recall who he was, but his hand was bringing me a lot of contentment that I cannot think of anything else but not to let go of his hand.

Pwede ko bang hawakan ang kamay mo ng ganito?

Oo naman.

Soon, we were talking about him. He is twenty-seven, and was working somewhere along Ortigas. He was studying his masters as well. I cannot recall what his profession was, but I do remember him being the breadwinner of his family since his father died when he was a little younger. From his voice and from what I remember from what he told me, I said to myself that he was a kind-hearted man.

It was weird talking to him while I held his hand. It felt weird, but I didn't feel uneasy doing it. His hand made me feel comfortable talking to him and opening up to him.

I felt I could depend on him.

I was soon talking about how I got a 67 for my long test in CS152A, and me acing the midterms in the same subject. I told him how happy I was that I got the chance to redeem myself. I was complaining to him about how irritating my Hi165 professor was. I was telling him all sorts of school things that a kid would tell his dad. He was laughing at the way I was telling him all those sorts of things, and I started to laugh as well.

But after a heartbeat, all things became silent. The sadness that attacked me before was starting its insatiable desire to take the happiness I was feeling with this man. I tightened my grip, but to my deepest horror, our hands were no longer holding each other. I was again thrown into another dreadful wave of sheer terror. My eyes were starting to become teary as I searched his hand in agonizing despair. The numbing silence and the piercing cold was climbing up to my chest. The air became devoid of anything happy. My body was growing weary with all the struggling, and slowly, it was giving up. I could not believe that was happening. My heart was racing infinitely as my skin felt lifelessly bitter and frigid. Time seemed to be slowly stopping, as the seconds waited an eternity to progress. Thoughts flashed in my mind, but one thought made me lose my remaining strength and caused my tears to pour endlessly.

How could something so right turn into something so wrong?

NASAAN KA!! NASAAN KA!! KAILANGAN KITA!!

Then, he embraced me endearingly.

Andito lang ako.

His tight embrace filled my incomplete self. I felt an unending sense of security as he wrapped his muscular arms around me. His heartbeat was a lullaby as he pressed my ear to his defined chest. I felt his stubble facial hair as he gently kissed me on the temple. I was unable to describe the warmth I felt, the warmth that saved me from a kismet of sorrow and mourning.

Huwag ka sanang bumitiw... Ang saya ko ngayon...

But my wishes were left unheard. I slowly opened my eyes to reveal a cloudy and rainy Sunday.

I was there on my bed, alone.



It was all but just a dream
but the experience was reality for me.



Then, I realized that a lone tear has rolled down on my right cheek.




If reality only causes me pain, can you blame me for wishing not to wake up from this dream?

Until we meet again.

A Crimson Tear Appears as Five

Confused.
Sorrowful.
Amused
and joyful?

No.

Everything has a reason
And everything has a rhyme?
Am I hurrying a season
And missing most of my time?

Why do you keep hoping
For something in the sky,
Why do you keep searching
For something forever high?

As life and strength fade
A heart sheds a tear.
Under night's endless shade,
A soul cringes in fear...

A new life
A new strength
Nothing but strife
Life's short cut length

Is torn

And ripped

By merciless events.

Time passes by
Tired people turn eternal
Wanting to die
The sorrow grows abysmal

Even

Into the depths of oblivion
Souls seek rest.
Holding forever redemption
And merciful salvation.
But
No light shines through,
No warmth is kept;
Slowly letting go
Joy now is not felt...

Forever tomorrow,
Never today.
My mind turns narrow,
And emotions at bay;
Everything turns sorrow
I just have to say:

Your presence in my days
Made me realize I'm alive.
But now, my sanity sways;
A crimson tear appears as five.