Ayaw Ko Nang Matulog

Ate Hi-C, 3 hours yung nilagay mo sa card ko miski na 2 hours lang yung ginawa kong work sa pagsusulat ng mga pangalan ng mga third year sa kanilang JEEP cards. Walang bawian ha, sabi ko 1:00pm ako nagsimula. Loves you Ate Hi-C, at salamat dun sa panutsa (parang peanut brittle na kailangan ng extra, and I do mean extra force para makakuha ng piece). Buti na lang pala wala si Kuya Raffy kasi kung siya ang pumirma sa card ko, malamang 2 hours lang ang ilalagay niya dun.

Eto na naman tayo people. Sort of, pero parang may iba ng kaunti. Hindi ko alam.

Ang saya-saya ko kaninang umaga, kaninang umaga as in pagkatapos ng Sci10. Medyo nahassle ako dahil wala si Erin, eh pag-uusapan pa naman namin sana yung tungkol sa presentation namin tungkol sa potable water next Friday. Ayun nga, pinanood kasi namin ni Amboy yung favorite volleyball class namin. Ang saya-saya rin kasi nila at napakaexciting nung mga rallies. Kasali din kasi yung coach ni Amboy sa PE niya at yung assistant/trainee nung coach. Nakakatuwa kasing panoorin yung mga overhand service na buong katawan yung fumafollow through, yung mga moments of shock tuwing tinatapik lang yung bola papuntang kabila, yung mga "mine" na yours pala ang ibig sabihin, at yung mga tili nila tuwing sumasabit sa net ang bola matapos nilang magdive. Mararamdaman mo talaga yung excitement.

Structured fencing na kami sa PE, at pinili kami ni Ace ni Sir Walter na magfence para maging example kung paano magreferee at maging side judges. "Magaling" daw kasi yung mga practice bouts namin, eh ang totoo nun, petek-petek at enjoy lang kami tuwing nasa kabilang side si Sir Walter ng court. Going back sa structured fencing, hindi kasi kami gagamit nung apparatus na pangfencing, kaya yung "conventional" (hindi daw kasi "primitive") way ang gagawin namin. Ayun, 3-1 in favor of Ace. Yung side judge ko kasi eh, off target hit daw, eh malapit nga yata sa nips ni Ace tumama yung tip ng foil ko. Well anyway, masaya din yung fencing kanina at hindi ako napagod ng sobra.

Math. As usual. Naglaro na lang ako ng Age of War sa addictinggames. Nakakatuwa dahil inipon ko lang yung pera ko at gumawa ng apat na pinakamalakas na turret. Hindi na ako nabawasan nung kalaban. Tapos nag-ipon lang ako ng $300,000 para sa dalawang ultimate soldier. Dedz si enemy.

Nagpunta muna ako sa lab kasi sarado pa yung OAA. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako magseservice hours dahil walang nakalagay sa labas. Matapos matulog ng 30 minutes, nagpunta na ako sa OAA kung saan maraming tao. Sa some office daw sa Bellarmine, pero hindi na pala kailangan so sa OSCI na lang ako pinapunta. At doon nga, sinulat ko ang mga pangalan nung mga magjiJEEP sa kanilang mga time in/time out chuvs cards na hindi ko alam ang use. Tagasulat lang ako ng pangalan. Pinagkamalan kasi akong front desk attendant na trabaho ni Kuya Raffy kasi pinatabi niya ako sa kanya.

Bumalik ako sa lab matapos ang dalawang oras. Pwede naman akong umuwi na lang, pero nagdesisyon akong magpunta sa lab. Nakakahiya kasi sa iba kong kagrupo na maglalab pala ngayon na hindi ko alam. Dahil tungkol sa printer port at programming yung itinuro, hindi ako masyadong nakinig dahil hindi iyon ang trabaho at parte sa project namin, at medyo nahihilo ako. Matapos kaming pinakawalan ni Sir Calasanz sa group huddle, umalis na yung iba, habang natulog ako dahil nga nahihilo ako. [Naantala dahil tinutulungan ko si Melody Kay sa play namin sa Hi16]

Pinili kong bumalik doon. Pinili ko.

Nagising na lang ako na may note sa aking harapan na bantayan ko raw ang gamit ng isa naming blockmate na nagpaadvise lang sa DISCS office. Paano naman babantayan ng taong daig pa ang mantika kung magtulog ang isang laptop?

Akala ko, hindi na ako mag-isang kakain sa Jollibee.

Ayaw ko nang matulog. Pero kailangan. Kailangan. Gusto ko sana kung matutulog ako, masaya ang aking mararamdaman sa aking paggising, at kung hindi, mas gugustuhin kong huwag nang magising pa. Sa mundo ng aking mga panaginip, maaaring mangyari, maganap, at madama ang kahit na anong bagay nang walang kahit na anong problemang mabubuo.

Sana man lang, nagising ako sa takdang oras para hindi na naman ako nabaon sa lungkot. Sana man lang ginising ko ang sarili ko. At dahil diyan, naiintindihan ko na ang damdamin ng iba. Alam ko na. Kung mali ang aking pagkakaintindi, sabihin mo sa akin dahil kung hindi, wala na.

Kumain na lang ako ng Ice Craze sa Jollibee. Ang lamig, ang tamis, ang sarap.

Sumabit ako sa jeepney kanina pauwi. Napakagaan ng pakiramdam ng hangin na humahampas sa iyong mukha at sinisira ang ayos ng buhok mo, kung meron man itong ayos. Parang nakasakay ako sa Da Qiao Airlines. Haha.

Butterflies, Hindi, mga Mariposa Pala

Hindi ko naman naaalalang kumain ako ng pupae for breakfast. Nakabukas ang mga bintana ng kuwarto ko kagabi, pero I doubt na may makakapasok na paru-paro dahil may kurtina naman. Kaya hindi ko alam kung bakit tila may sandosenang mariposa sa loob ng aking J-shaped organ for digestion kaninang umaga.

Nung dinala ako sa ospital dahil natatakot sina mamie na baka dengue na yung lagnat ko ang huling tanda ko na nagkaganito ang aking pakiramdam. Sira yata yung hypothalamus ko noon. Naaalala ko rin na ganito ang pakiramdam ko tuwing aatakihin ako ng aking nosecomophibia, ang fear of hospitals. Well, I do not remember myself going into a hospital for school. Yes yes, alam kong sinabi ko na in the past na mukhang complex ng isang high-end hospital facility yung ikatlong palapag ng SEC A. Pero alam ko naman na SEC A iyan, at hindi isang parte ng FEU-NRMF Hospital.

Ngunit ano nga ba ang feeling na ito? Naaalala kong sinabi ko ang ganitong pakiramdam kay dadee, at sabi niya, "butterflies in the stomach" daw ito. Parang nagki-cringe yung tiyan mo dahil kumain ka ng isang bayong ng kamote, pero you do not feel any urge to release gas, or any excrement for the matter. Parang you want to vomit, ngunit biglang nag-over extend ang iyong epiglottis at nasarahan din ang esophagus, eh dapat na trachea lang ang kanyang takpan. Parang nagka-cramps ang iyong diaphragm kaya bukod sa mahirap, napakaweird din ng pakiramdam huminga. Parang gusto mo nang tumigil huminga, pero hindi mo mapigilan ang involuntary action of contraction and relaxation ng iyong diaphragm kaya patuloy pa rin ang iyong pag-inhale at pag-exhale habang nararamdaman mong nagva-vibrate ang iyong lungs.

Nate-tense lang daw ako sabi ni dadee.

Eh bakit ako natense kanina nung niyaya akong kumain sa labas?

I can't be wrong. I know that feeling of discomfort sa organ filled with gastric juices na kaya hindi nada-digest ang sarili dahil may mucus membrane that protects it from the acids that break down bolus into chyme. Naaalala ko ang weird feeling ng reverse stomach churning at ang reversed peristaltic movement.

Tinanong ako kung uuwi na ba ako after AMC, at niyaya akong kumain sa labas. Naramdaman ko na ang mariposa sa aking tiyan na tinapos ang metamorphosis nito at lumabas na sa kanyang cocoon. Habang tinatanong ko kung sino ang kasama, naramdaman ko na ang nag-iisang mariposa sa loob ng aking tiyan ay nag-undergo sa libu-libong proseso ng asexual reproduction at biglang napuno ang aking tiyan ng mga mariposa na handa na for migration, kung nagma-migrate man sila. Hindi ko alam ang sagot ko. Ngunit nung niyaya na ako ulit, hindi ko na nacontrol ang population explosion ng mga mariposa sa aking stomach at nasabing "Uuwi na ako eh." Paulit-ulit kong tinanong sa aking sarili kung bakit ba hindi madigest ang mga pesteng mariposa na iyon. Malamang may mucus membrane din sila, katulad ng walls ng aking mariposa-infested J-shaped organ.

So bakit ako natense ng ganoon kanina?

Hm. Baka dahil sa fact na hindi na ako kakain ng lunch tuwing Monday upang makatipid. Nag-iipon kasi ako ng P33,000.00 para sa isang laptop na kung saan ang aking current savings ay P600.00.

Or is it?

Aura, A Part of Myself That No One Sees

Your Aura is Yellow

You're a deeply happy and content person, and you enjoy sharing your cheer with others. While you may seem like a simple optimist, there is a lot of thinking going on inside you. The purpose of your life: bringing joy and a better life to others Famous yellows include: Conan O'Brien, Jenny Mccarthy, Jim Carrey Careers for you to try: Athlete, Actor, Yoga Instructor

What Color Is Your Aura?

The Part of You That No One Sees

You are aloof, mysterious, and distant. People feel like they really don't know the true you... Yet they're still drawn to you, almost by magnetic force. Underneath it all, you don't even really feel like you know yourself. It's easier to put on a front than really think about your life's purpose. You tend to seem pretentious, but it's just a mechanism you use to push people away.

What's the Part of You That No One Sees?

Wow. Favorite color ko ang yellow. Pero an actor?! Come on. Wala bang game programmer sa choices? And I think these two don't match, kaya nagpakachiater ako at inulit ang ikalawang quiz:

The Part of You That No One Sees

You are balanced, peaceful, and sincere. You're the type of person who goes along to get along. And you're definitely afraid of rocking the boat. Underneath it all, you fear your world falling apart. You'll put up with a situation that you don't like in fear of changing it. Disruptive and forceful people intimidate you - and sometimes exploit you.

What's the Part of You That No One Sees?

Ano ba.

Nahugot ang quizzes na ito habang nagbabasa ng blog ni Melody Kay, na destined daw to struggle with her weight. Ako rin daw, pero I'm 60 lbs. underweight.

Dear DrumMania, Tomo I Blg 1

Dear DrumMania,

Kamusta ka na?

Mabuti naman inayos na nila yung ilaw mo sa signboard ng iyong pangalan. Hindi kasi magandang makita yung holographic pink starry background ng DrumMania 10th Mix kapag madilim eh. Ay oo nga pala, yung pinsan mong si Percussion Freaks 5th Mix dun sa ibabang Timezone, grabe ang sira ng snare. Nagrerespond naman siya, pero natatanggal at umiikot yung pad. Nakakatawa nga yung pose ko eh. Hinaharangan ko ng non-bass-foot-tuhod ko yung gild ng snare para hindi umikot. Inipit ko yung machine-provided sticks between sa chair at yung gilid ng sirang snare na yun after ko malaman na masakit palang matamaan ng reverse side ng sticks ko ang tuhod. Oo nga pala, sayang at wala nang Spring sa repertoire ng mga kanta mo DM. Favorite ko kasi yun sa PF eh. Yung Seiron naman, asa akong matatapos ko yung kantang iyon sa iyo kasi mas strict ang iyong timing judgement at mas malaki ang bawas mo sa excitement bar kung magkamali kung ikukumpara sa pinsan mo.

"Ayos" lang naman ako DM. [Naantala ang post na ito dahil nalimutan kong nagpopost pala ako dahil naghanap ako ng Seiron sa GDAmania, ngunit wala pala sila. Naglaro na lamang ako ng Osu! dahil gagawan ko nga sana ng beatmap ang nasabing kanta, na kung saan naitaas ko ang aking rank to #154. Doon ko lang naalala na nagpopost pala ako] Nagsusurvive pa naman ako. Katulad ng pagsurvive ko sa Himawari na lagi kong hindi napapasa dati. Hindi ko lang matandaan kung pumasok ba ang excitement bar sa danger zone. Mahina na ang aking memory gaya ng pagkalimot kong nagsusulat nga pala ako sayo, DM.

Ano sa tingin mo? Ang pagiging makakalimutin ko kaya ay isang nang defense mechanism? Ay, babawiin ko. Hindi pala. Siguro kulang lang talaga ako sa memory-enhancing vitamins and minerals, whatever they are. Wala kasing silbi ang aking short term memory eh. Nalilimutan kong nag-iipon ako ng tubig sa banyo, nakakalimutan kong nagpopost pala ako, nakalimutan ko ng paulit-ulit yung naka-duel ko nung fencing nung absent si Ace, at lagi ko ring nakakalimutan na babatiin ko pala yung isang tao dahil birthday niya o kaya itanong sa girlfriend ng blockmate dati kung kamusta na ba siya dahil hindi ako sigurado kung siya nga ba iyon o hindi. At isa pa, hindi ko makalimutan yung mga bagay na kailangan kong makalimutan panandalian, para naman sumaya ako kahit papaano. Hanggang ngayon, bumabalik-balik pa rin sa aking isipan yung mga sandali na kung saan nakita ko silang tatlo na naglalakad sa harap ng Blue Eagle Gym habang nakasakay na ako sa jeepney pauwi. Naaalala ko pa ang mangiyak-iyak kong paningin at ang paglatag ko ng aking mukha sa aking bag dahil baka nga maiyak ako. Ang dami kong naaalala na ayaw ko na sanang maalala, ngunit lagi ko naman silang naaalala. Ang tanging mga bagay na nakakapagpalimot sa akin ngayon ay yung Warriors Orochi, na kung saan Lv. 76 na si Xing Cai at Ambition na ang kanyang weapon at ikaw, DM. Dati naman, nakakalimutan ko ang aking mga problema kapag kasama ko ang aking mga kaibigan, ngunit parang wala na yata yan ngayon.

Hay. Gaya ng sabi ko dati sa ikalawang post yata ng blog ko, problems are just forgotten. Never yata silang nabibigyan ng solusyon.

Ano bang ginawa ko sa sarili kong buhay?

Haha. Ang dami ko na namang sinabi. Pasensiya ka na DM ha. Sige hanggang dito na lang muna at maglalaro na ako ng Warriors Orochi. Hanggang sa susunod nating pagkikita. Ingat ka.

                            Nagmamahal,

Rudolf na gusto nang maging masaya, pero hindi niya magawa

Dreams Abroad

I'm currently trying to divide my attention between listening to Felix and posting. I need to dump this out because I don't want to carry this thought all day long. Sorry Felix, I'll just do my best in the next long test for you.

I distinctly remember myself dreaming for me to go abroad in my junior year. I remember seeing the reflection of my eyes opening wide on the to the announcement board outside DISCS in the past. I remember imagining what my pictures would look like posted on that board. I remember myself imagining what would it be like to study abroad and live away from my family for a whole school semester. I was even choosing which country would I want to study for five months. I imagined what should I wear to fit in, if I would actually be able to fit into that very different way of living, what the people would be like, and if who would I be with when I study abroad.

Those were my dreams for the Junior Term Abroad the school was offering.

But there is something I cannot quite understand now.

Every time I pass by the same announcement board entitled "Junior Term Abroad" outside the DISCS department in the second floor of Faura Hall, I don't feel the same excitement as before. I cannot seem to grasp the concept of that program which made me want to go abroad and study there.

Everytime I pass by there, I see a reflection against the glass covering the happy faces of those happy students studying abroad. I see a vague reflection of a sad, empty person I am a stranger of.

Yesterday, Ma'am Jess gave us letters regarding JTA. I cannot comprehend why I did not take time to thoroughly read the single-paged memo. I distinctly remember that JTA was a dream of mine.

"Tatanungin ko si _______ kung papayag siyang sumama sakin. JTA kami sa Japan."

"Magdya-Japan kayo?"

It was then I realized something important.

It was then I realized that I have lost my dreams I have aspired for in the past. The dreams that made me face tomorrow with my head held high full of optimism and positivity has left me as well. Those dreams I gathered with all my might must have been blown away by the gentle wind that touched my face, along with all the memories I have placed closely beside my heart.

It was then I realized that the vague reflection I see every time I pass by the glass covering of the announcement board entitled "JTA" was myself. The glass protected the happy faces of those happy students abroad from my sadness.

It was then I realized that tears came running down on my cheeks.




Please carry my dreams towards the sky.

What dreams?




Makikinig na lang nga ako kay Felix.

EDIT: Okay, so nagkamali pala ako ng tanda. Wala palang glass casing yung board ng JTA. Napaghalo ko na siya dun sa announcement board ng DISCS. But...

PUTANGINA System

Nadiscover ko ang Personal UTilities ANd Generally INtrinsic Apparatuses, or ang PUTANGINA System habang ako ay naglalakad kanina na masayang kumakain ng P5.00 worth of spanish bread. Malamang, kasama na rin ito ng mahigit na isang buwan ng alam-mo-na-kung-ano-iyon.

Sa aking theory inspired by the cheapness of the spanish bread, ang PUTANGINA System ay inherent sa bawat isa sa atin. Iba-iba lamang ang capacities at limitations ng bawat utility o apparatus na kasama sa nasabing system sa bawat tao.

Ang PUTANGINA System, gaya ng nabanggit ko na, ay isang teorya lamang na nagmula sa margarine, asukal, tinapay, at isang buwan ng depression. Gaya ng lahat ng theories sa mathematics o kung saan mang specialization, kailangan muna itong mapatunayan bago masabing tama nga. Well, dahil walang scientific basis at hindi enough ang data ng PUTANGINA System para masupport ito, hindi na kinakailangang magpasa ng scientific paper sa kung saan mang scientific organization full of scientific people para mapatunayang totoo ang PUTANGINA System. Sa katunayan, isa lamang itong blog entry ng isang taong kakakain lamang ng spanish bread na mas maliit pa sa kanyang hinliliit.

Anyway, hindi ko pa lubusang naiintindihan ang PUTANGINA System, ngunit may mga findings ang aking study based on the cheapness of those spanish breads na nagtataka ako kung galing nga ba talagang Spain. Ang PUTANGINA System ay mainly composed of:

Self-Praise Apparatus (SPA)
Intelligence Utility (INUTIL)
Memory Retrieval and Application Engine (MEMORAPE)
Emotional Mechanism Utility (EMMY)
Emotional Board And Circuit-Breaking Synthesizer (EBACS)
Carnal Output Circuit Key (COCK)

Ang Self-Praise Apparatus
Mahalaga ang SPA. Malaki ang magiging damage sa self-esteem ng isang tao kung ito ay magiging erroneous. Ang pangunahing trabo ng SPA ay bigyan ang sarili ng maraming pat sa ulo o 'di naman kaya'y mga mahihinhing tapik sa balikat tuwing makakagawa ng isang bagay na maaari nang maipagmalaki sa ibang tao o miski sa sarili lang. Malaki ang nagagawa ng SPA sa ego ng isang tao dahil pinananatiling recognized ng SPA ang achievements ng isang tao, whether nadiskubre niya ang lunas sa cancer, nasagot niya ang lahat ng tanong sa programming varsity, o sa simpleng pagtatasa ng lapis o nasagot niya ng tama ang tanong sa history ni Miss Isa. Lalong tumataas ang pressure sa SPA tuwing makakasama ang isang tao na efficient ang INUTIL.

Ang Intelligence Utility
Paiba-iba ang INUTIL sa bawat tao. Iba't ibang klase rin ang INUTIL ng bawat tao. Ang INUTIL ng iba ay sobrang efficient na kaya nilang magmajor sa Computer Science at Applied Math in Finance na parehong honors courses. Ang INUTIL efficiency naman ng iba ay lumalabas sa kanilang mga obrang ikahihiya ni Mona Lisa, o sa mga kantang tumutunaw sa mga puso ng mga tagapakinig nito. Ngunit mas mahalaga pa rin ang SPA kung ikukumpara sa INUTIL dahil ang mga taong efficient ang SPA ay madaling maappease ang mga kagustuhan at kadalasan ay mapagkumbaba. Kuntento na ang mga taong maganda ang takbo ng SPA sa mga small things in life.

Ang Memory Retrieval and Application Engine
Ang MEMORAPE ang namamahala sa lahat ng memory retrievals, memory applications, at memory queries. Ang main component ng MEMORAPE ay ang hippocampus. Ang MEMORAPE ang nagsosort ng lahat ng alaala ayon na rin sa mga categories: academics, name-face recognition, mga telephone number ni Mr./Ms.X, mga nangyari kanina, mga nangyari kahapon, yung poem na minemorize mo, yung readings mo sa history, schedule mo, schedule niya, schedule nating lahat, at yung ginawa mo nung isang araw na hindi mo makakalimutan ever. Basta. Ang MEMORAPE ang namamahala sa lahat ng may kinalaman sa memory. To enhance the efficiency of MEMORAPE, uminom dapat ang isang tao ng Sustagen Premium at kumain ng leafy vegetables (although not tested, testers are most welcome).

Ang Emotional Mechanism Utility (Redundant)
Si EMMY ang namamahala sa emotional processes ng PUTANGINA System. Lahat ng mga processes na nararamdaman ng dibdib at puso ang pinakikialaman ni EMMY. Kung ang isang tao ay nagdadalamhati, nagluluksa dahil namatay ang kanyang kuko sa left hinlalaki, high dahil suminghot ng rugby, masaya dahil kasama ang lovey-dovey, asar dahil nakita ang batch loser noong high school, o hindi naman kaya'y simpleng masaya lang, si EMMY ang may gawa. May output din ang SPA kay EMMY: ang feeling ng contentment at simple happiness ay kadalasang dahil sa isang efficient na SPA na nirirelay ni EMMY ang sinasabi.

Ang Emotional Board And Circuit-Breaking Synthesizer
Paminsan, masyadong naooverwhelm ang system ni EMMY dahil sa severe depression or extreme mania. Dito na papasok ang role ng EBACS. Ito ang nagsisilbing fuse sa sistema ni EMMY. Pinuputol nito ang current state ni EMMY kung nakita nito na masyado nang peligroso ang lagay ni EMMY. Iba-iba ang danger zone ng EBACS ng bawat tao, at iba-iba rin ang recovery time ng EBACS. Kung hindi efficient ang lahat ng mga naunang systems, sobrang bagal ng recovery time ng EBACS. There is such person na isang buwan na, hindi pa rin normal, pero gusto na niyang maging normal, pero hindi niya magawa dahil napakaerroneous ng kanyang EBACS.

Ang Carnal Output Circuit Key
Kung efficient ang COCK ng isang tao, malibog siya. Horny, ika nga. Sa tingin ko, self-explanatory na ang COCK kaya hindi ko na ipapaliwanag pa.

Dahil ongoing ang research tungkol sa PUTANGINA System, malamang, hindi pa masyadong accurate ang mga detalye ng bawat parte nito. Malamang, hindi pa nadidiskubre ang lahat ng parte nito.

The One Left Behind Said...

haha...you should do tell what this is about to me someday, I know hmmm, you said that for a while d mo na muna sasabihin sakin ung mga pinoproblema mo (or something like that..O.o..)....hmmm, what happens is...hmm..I feel disjoint in a sense left out.. a bit lonely I guess...^^;;...actually, yes maybe I do feel a bit lonely, everyone seems to be floating away, haha, maybe its just partly my fault as well(parang ginagawa ko na ring blog ko ung blog mo, gomen), even though we met new people in college, we may have somewhat a connection with them, but to tell you, maybe even everyone the truth...I, myself, feel that I'm always in the background, just watching as things unfold themselves, not even knowing the details; we are slowly forming islands, with me maybe a bit far of than the rest..haha..I don't really know, maybe this thing that I'm speaking is just some another random wild negative imagination of mine...not that I want to be in the spotlight, I just want to feel I belong, I mean I am existent and not just someone you know, say hello and stuff, talk about school, and that's it, well that's at least what I feel while in school, but maybe I'm just highlighting the negative ones haha....hay..I dunno, in any case, back to original topic, I accepted the agreement that day...so I guess all I have to do is wait until you're ready?..O.o..haha...sory..don't mind my random ramblings...(well is it?!?!?!), I do really guess by now you know who I am...and come to think of it, is this even a comment on what you have put in this specific entry of your blog???...sorry...

Napakahangal ko talaga.

Don't be sorry, The One Left Behind.

The One Left Behind, patawad. Sana naman ay hindi matinag ang ating pagkakaibigan na higit sa labing-isang taon nating pinagsamahan. Sorry talaga. Wala na akong masabi sa iyo kung hindi sorry. Lagi na lang na ikaw ang umiintindi sa akin. Sorry talaga. I can't put to words how sorry I am. Hindi ko lang naman sayo ito sinabi dahil nga ayaw kong mag-alala ka at madamay sa problemang ako naman ang may kasalanan, ngunit nag-alala ka rin naman pala. Ang masama, naiwan kitang mag-isa. Pasensiya ka na talaga ha. You don't deserve to be left out because you were always there beside me, even in the darkest hours of my life. Naaalala ko pa yung mga crammed projects natin nung high school na A ang grade. Naaalala ko pa na tinext at tinawagan kita nung pumanaw na si Nanay. Naaalala ko pa yung iniyakan ko yung isa nating best friend nung high school kasi parang napalayo siya sa atin. Sa totoo nga, nakasave pa rin sa aking inbox ang text message mo sa akin nung mga panahong iyon:

your welcome. eventually you'd probably accept it and move on. just remember. when you nid someone to hear you out. im one of those people who'll listen.
8:26pm 11/10/05

Pasensiya ka na talaga ha. Ayaw ko lang kasi talagang magkaroon ka pa ng problema. Alam mo naman ako, ayaw kong nagkakaproblema ang mga kaibigan ko dahil sa akin.

Sa totoo lang, naiyak ako nung nabasa ko ang reply mo na ito sa isa kong post. Sorry talaga. Masyado akong naging sarado sa aking malungkot na mundo. Hindi ko alam na nagiging malungkot ka na rin pala.

Sorry talaga.

And salamat for always being there for me and always understanding me. Salamat dahil you made the choice to remain strong. Sana I could do the same to you, para naman at least, hindi mo na sabihing you are left behind. It'll break my already broken heart kung magkaganito ka pa ulit.

Stay happy. Knowing this will help me a lot. Salamat talaga.

Ipaaalam Ko Lang sa Iyo na...

...nakapagdecide na rin sila sa wakas kung ano ang project namin sa Ps140 lab. PC-controlled RC Car using Warning Sounds yata eh. Sorry ha, offline ako ng mga oras na iyon. Basta alam ko na ako ay kabilang (kasama sina Amboy at si Nelvin) dun sa gagawa nung collision alarm system.

...nasira na naman yung PC ko. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, pero ayaw na niyang pumasok sa Windows. Nadiskubre ko ito nung gagamit sana si Mamie ng PC nung Sabado dahil titingnan niya raw ang kaniyang email (na lagi namang walang new messages; maglalaro din siya siguro ng Bookworm na kung saan "SHORELINES" ang pinakamahabang salita na aking nagawa).

...birthday ni Honey Lynne nung Sabado, January 19. Kaarawan din nga pala iyan ni Tita Nene kung siya'y buhay pa ngayon. Tita Nene, sana ay masaya ka na sa piling nina Nanay at Tatay. Pasensiya ka na kung hindi ko na masyadong matandaan ang iyong mukha dahil dalawang taong gulang pa lang ako nung ikaw ay pumanaw. Ngunit alam kong mabait ka dahil taglay ito ng iyong kagandahan sa iyong mga larawan.

...maayos naman yung NSTP ko nung Sabado. Pumasok sina MC, Grace, Rose Ann, Yumin, Jonalou, at si Jude. Nagbutt spelling kami at naglaro ng "Arrange Yourselves According to..." dahil alam naman naming alam na nila ang tunog ng mga patinig na E, O, at U. Wala kaming magagawa, iyan ang nasa modules namin na bigay ng OSCI.

...nagtuturo ngayon si Felix ng Depth-First Search Algorithm. Nakikinig ba ako? Obviously medyo. Loves ko si Felix "Mugalicious Mugababes" Muga eh. Sana lang magbigay siya ng visual example kasi hindi ko maintindihan (kasi hindi ako nakikinig masyado). I'm a visual learner, you know.

...birthday ni Alfie kahapon. Too bad hindi na ulit siya nanlibre sa Timezone ng P4000.00 worth of credits. Sa huli kong kita kay Alf nung get together namin kina Lucky, mataba pa rin siya. Waha alam mo namang loves din kita Alf. Pinapakopya nga kita dati eh, remember?

...2 years na ang aking parasitic relationship with DrumMania. Parasitic dahil ako lang ang nakikinabang, at nasisira lang yung machine sa tuwing paggamit ko. Bilib ako sa DrumMania dahil namemeasure niya accurately ang aking "current status." Merong kantang natatapos ko na without danger, ngunit recently, twice nang lumabas ang mga katagang "Stage Failed." Napansin ko rin na ang karaniwang A/S/S sa PF5 at ang kadalasang A/S/A/B o 'di naman kaya'y S/S kung long version sa DM10 ay B/A/A at B/A/A/Fail o A/S lamang.

...sinubukan ko nang ayusin ang problema ko kahapon, kasabay ng pagiging dalawang taon ng aking parasitic relationship with DrumMania. Ngunit sasabihin kong parang nabigo ako. Hindi, nabigo pala talaga ako. O baka naman dahil inaasahan kong siya'y magrereply pa, ngunit hindi na pala? Ewan ko. Para tuloy akong tanga na every 5 minutes, tinitingnan kung may nagtext. Pero ngayon, narealize ko na parang isang parasitic relationship din ang aking nagawa, ako lamang ang nakikinabang habang siya ay hindi, ayon sa makitid kong pananaw. Gago, iba ito sa pagiging user-friendly. Hindi ako ganoong klaseng tao. O baka naman ganoon ang nangyari? Kapalaran ko bang manatili sa ganitong estado for life? Sorry talaga. Kung tama ngang ako ay naging isang parasite (in some sort of way na hindi ko maexplain), kalimutan mo na ako. Layuan mo na ako. You don't deserve to be slowed down by someone pathetic. Hindi na talaga ako magtataka this time around with this paradigm running up my narrow brain.

...akala ko maaayos ko na ang lahat, yun pala, hindi pa.

Pathetic. You are really pathetic. This is your fault anyway. You're not just pathetic, but you are a pathetic weakling as well. Go sit in your corner and die. The world will be better off without you, asshole.
I'm sorry to say but there is no turning back now. Don't lose faith. No, even if you lose faith, please don't stop believing. Please.
Just hold on a little longer. You just need more time.

Buti nga sana kung ganoon.

Ang Prescription ni Madame Kiki-Am

Dahil sa mga recent events na nangyari kanina, muntik nang sumabog ang damdamin ko. Muntik na talaga, lalo na nung oras na [inalis para hindi ka-bother-bother] ako ni [inalis para hindi ka-bother-bother sa taong baka ma-bother]. Bigla na lang akong nirefer ng aking sarili kay Madame Kiki-Am, ang resident psychiatrist daw ng aking inner self. "Madame" raw ang itawag sa kanya para daw thothyal. Nagmadali akong nagpunta sa banyo sa ikalawang palapag ng Faura para mag-set ng appointment.

Pagpasok ko, binati ako ng isang lalaking suot ang isang asul na polo. Akala ko, siya yung receptionist, yun pala, siya yung janitor.

Sinabi ng aking sarili sa aking sarili na sa Cubicle Number 2 daw ang klinika ni Madame Kiki-Am. Kumatok ako at pumasok, at bigla-bigla na lang isinampal sa akin ni Madame Kiki-Am ang prescription na ito:

Putangna! Hindi ko maintindihan! Nung ipapatranslate ko sana kay Madame Kiki-Am ang kanyang cryptic message, wala na siya sa aking harapan. Ni hindi ko nga yata nakita ang kanyang itsura eh, at hindi ko rin natanong sa kanya kung mahilig ba siya sa fish nuggets.

Lumabas ako sa kanyang mapanghing tanggapan na nagkakamot ng ulo. Hindi ko kasi talaga maintindihan yung nakasulat sa papel na iyon. Ni hindi ko nga sure kung papel nga ba yun o tissue paper eh.

Ngunit habang ako ay natutulog nung aming lab sa physics, napanaginipan ko ang Rosetta Stone sa punyemas na prescription na iyon. Hindi ko nadecode and lahat ng nakasulat, ngunit at least naman ay nakuha ko ang mahahalagang detalye:

ANG PRESCRIPTION NI MADAME KIKI-AM

DIAGNOSIS: Kulang sa childhood. Umiyak dahil lang sa saranggola, eh hindi naman siya si Pepe.

INDICATIONS: Nadepress at inisolate ang sarili kas[hindi na nadecode ang iba]

PRESCRIPTION: Drink lots of water, think happy thoughts, pagtawanan muli ang NSTP book [hindi na nadeciper ang Kiki-Amic Code]

NOTE: Kung mangyari ulit sa iyo ang mga bagay na ito, malamang hindi mo na kakayanin. *heart*

*LAGDA NI MADAME KIKI-AM*

Ngunit naalala ko na parang may minorse code siya sa akin nung sinampal niya ako. Kung tama ang pagkakaintindi ko sa morse code na itinapik niya sa mukha ko nung isinampal niya sa akin ang ftw na resetang ito, hindi pa raw ako handa. Masyado raw akong nasaktan, at kailangan ko pa raw ng panahon upang maging handa. Masyado raw akong nawili sa pagiging malungkot at mag-isa. Nasanay na raw ako. Natatakot daw akong masaktan muli kaya raw ako nananatili sa isang "hurt" state. Huwaw, biruin mong natapik niya lahat iyan under 0.324235 seconds!

Bakit ba kasi ang pangit magsulat ng mga doktor eh!

A Fault Lies Between Us

I slept early last night. My eyes turned against me when I was about to play Warriors Orochi. But even though I slept for eight hours, when I woke up this morning, I did not feel refreshed at all. I was even quite tired. That tired, sleepless feeling is the most frustrating feeling, because there is no way out of your tired state but to remain tired until you get sleepy.

And I guess I am just tired.

Earlier this afternoon, I had my first individual consultation with Ate Hi-C. She asked me several questions — about my goals for NSTP, my hopes for my tutees, and if I am alright with my kids. She asked me what characteristic of mine has strengthened because of NSTP. I tried to answer her question the best way I could, but she got confused. Both of us actually got confused.

"So, kapag kasama mo ang kids mo, you feel happy, but at the same time nasasad ka?"

"Hindi siguro nasasad Ate Hi-C. Siguro more of na naiinggit ako sa kanila. Oo, masaya ako dahil nakikita ko naman silang masaya, pero naiinggit ako dahil sa kasiyahang iyon. Itinatanong ko sa sarili ko kung papaano sila nagiging masaya. They have so little compared to us, but the happiness they possess in their smiles are different from our happiness. Parang mas masaya pa sila kaysa sa atin. Kaysa sa akin."

After that, I redrew the design on my canvas shoes. After I was satisfied enough, I ate my lunch. All I can remember after eating was me staring at the ceiling fans. I remember thinking, to my surprise, about nothing as I watched the fans oscillate in their pathetic axes. Before I noticed what I was doing, it was time for CS122.

BS Computer Science Specialization in Interactive Multimedia. Finally, I now have a reason to stay in my course besides my scholarship and the air-conditioned rooms.

I almost lost my lunch on my way home. I am not used in standing in an ordinary bus.

"Bakit ang dami mo na namang pimple! Meron na nung sabon mo dun, yun na ang gamitin mo!" Ate is clueless about the problems that are slowly withering my soul desperately clinging on because it needs to. I am holding on to everything all that I have remaining because I need to be strong for the ones who actually care for me, in their own apathetic way or another.

I am sorry. It is my fault that I feel this way. It is my fault that a crack has emerged in our friendship. If I knew I would only fall back on the hard, cold concrete, I wouldn't have relied on you to catch me. But you can still count on me to catch you when you fall. What are friends for? Well, that is assuming I am still your friend, because you are still my friend. I will understand if you decide not to talk to me anymore, text me, poke me as you usually do, ask if I'll eat in Jollibee or somewhere else, or even if you decide not to fly the kite with me anymore. It is my fault. And because of that, our friendship won't be the same as when the time I told myself you are one of my best friends.

I am sincerely sorry that now, a fault lies between us. Please just accept my apology, even if you don't mean it.

But honestly, I will still feel sad even if you do accept my apology. I have been shattered for too long that the fragments have been scattered by the gentle breeze that touched my face. The shards of the memories that I have sincerely treasured and placed beside my heart have escaped beyond the horizon that I always ignored before because I was with one of my best friends.

Now I know the reason why I feel envious to my kids. Now I know why.

They are not incomplete.


I have to say that I generalized my problem too much. Blockmates, if my post bothered you, I am sorry. It's my fault. You guys didn't do anything wrong for me to be depressed for over a month now. Promise, and thanks. It means a lot to me. Love ko pa rin kayo miski hindi ko naipapakita.

Imcomplete?

Mabighami ako sa post mi Melody Kay. Basahim mo amg post miya dito.

Mabasa ko amg post ma iyam sa ikalawamg math period mamim. Pero makimig mamam ako kay Felix. Makimig ako pagkatapos komg maglaro mg Dragom Quest. Imulit lamg mamam miya kasi yumg timuro miya mumg umamg period eh. Tumgkol ulit kay paremg Djikstra.

Walamg mamgyari kamimamg lab time. Himdi pa kasi kami makakapili mg amimg gagawimg project dahil lagimg himdi kami kumpleto o kumg kumpleto mamam, walamg mamgyayari. Hay. Sabi mi Mr. Calasamz, mag-attemd ma lamg daw lahat mg members mg grupo mamim sa Biyermes para mapako ma kumg amo amg amimg gagawim. Sayamg daw kasi amg oras, at himdi ko ipimagkaila amg bagay ma iyam. Makakalumgkot makita amg ibamg grupo ma may mga plamo ma at makausap ma si Mr. Calasamz, habamg kami ay wala pamg gimagawamg seryosomg pag-iisip kumg amo amg gusto mamimg gawim. Maglaro lamg kami mg x-rated tetris mi Amboy kamima. Merom palamg itimatagomg mga juicy, juicier, at juiciest secrets amg kamyamg flash drive. Myaha.

Kumaim ma lamg ako sa Jollibee, kumg saam daw bida amg saya. Umorder ako mg Crispy Chickem Steak ma solo lamg kay Ate Rose (close dim daw kami eh myaha). Kamima ko lamg makita kumg gaamo kamipis talaga yumg chickem sa Crispy Chickem Steak ma iyom matapos komg kaimim yum mg higit ma sa dalawampumg beses. Mgayom lamg kasi ako magimg overly semsitive sa mga bagay-bagay. Well, semsitive ako, pero himdi semsitive emough para mapamsim amg mipis mg chickem ma iyom. Mapaisip pa mga ako kumg chickem mga ba talaga iyom dahil lasamg chickem lomggamisamg gawa mamam talaga sa baka. Amg labo.

Dumaam ako sa Gateway para maglaro mg Percussiom Freaks 5th Mix at DrumMamia 10th Mix. Libre yumg PF dahil gold ma amg akimg card, at maglaro ako mg tatlomg beses dum sa DM. Ewam ko, I just felt like playimg amd playimg.

Kakauwi ko lamg mgayom. Maglalaro kasi ako mg Warriors Orochi mamaya kaya mgayom ma ako magpopost. Makakaimis kasi si Da Ji eh. Matatalo ko ma siya dapat kagabi, kaso gumawa siya mg super chiater move kaya madedz si Zhao Yum. Kaasar yumg mga gamomg pamgyayari mo. Hulimg kalabam ma, saka ka pa mamamatay. Sayamg yumg ability mi Yue Yimg ma makuha ko sama kumg himdi lamg magimg chiatress (babaimg chiater) yamg si Da Ji.

Hay.

Malulumgkot ako dahil malumgkot ako. Himdi ko ma talaga alam kumg bakit. O kaya mamam ayaw ko lamg tamggapim amg mga rasom dahil mamimiwala pa rim ako sa mga taomg pimagkatiwalaam ko. Malamamg frustrated ako sa mga pamgyayari recemtly. Amg dami ko kasimg regrets. Amg dami komg magimg kasalamam sa akimg sarili.

Amg daya mo talaga buhay. Bakit ba lagi mo akomg bimibigyam mg mga problemamg himdi ko alam kumg papaamo maayos? Alim yam sa dalawamg drama mo, yumg "mamimiwala ako sa kakayaham mo" o yumg "Walamg problemamg himdi mo kayamg malutas"? O baka mamam gusto mo lamg imudmod sa pagmumukha ko ma tamga ako?

Kasi mamam. Wala bamg clue?

Hmph. Buti pa si Djikstra, simasapiam si Felix para ituro sa amim amg kamyamg algorithm.

Habang Nagtuturo si Felix ng Algorithm ni Djikstra

Close kami niyang si Felix. Sa katunayan, first name basis ang tawag ko sa kanya. Bwaha.

Malamang maiisip mo sa titulo nito na hindi ako nakikinig kay Felix habang nagtuturo siya tungkol sa algorithm ni Djikstra. Hindi ko lang kasi talaga hilig ang math at lahat ng mga nakakabaliw na branches nito. Puro naman kasi x na hindi bastos, mga graph na wala sa Cartesian plane, mga permutation na hindi ginagawa sa salon ni Milai, combination na lalong dumadami ang sagot, at mga expressions na hindi mo naman magagamit. Alangan namang sabihin mong "Oh my god! You're so x+y talaga!" o kaya "Para ka namang x squared, laging sarili mo lang ang kasama mo." Kainis.

Pero bilib ako kay Felix dahil turo lang siya ng turo miski na sina WImbie at Wil lang ang talagang nakikinig. Hindi rin siya nagagalit (baka na rin siguro dahil walang rason para siya ay magalit). At alam na alam niya ang kanyang itinuturo. Namamangha ako sa bilis ng kanyang pagproseso ng dalawang graph kung sila ba ay isomorphic o hindi, sa galing niya sa pag-apply ng teorya ni Kuratowski, sa galing niya sa pagkilatis kung meron bang Euler Circuit at Hamiltonian Path ang isang graph G. Galing mo talaga Felix miski na napapanot ka na.

Ngayon, ineexplain niya ang isang program sa Python na hindi ko alam kung tungkol saan o para saan. Basta may stack.pop( ). Alam ko kung ano ang ibig sabihin niya, pero hindi ko lang alam kung para saan niya ginagamit. Mukhang para yata sa Infix to Postfix Expression, dahil iyon ang nakasulat sa whiteboard.

Pero bakit nga ba hindi ako nakikinig sa kanya ngayon? Hindi ko sasabihing lagi akong nakikinig sa kanya dahil hindi naman talaga. Sunog pa kasi ang utak ko dahil kakatapos lamang ng long test ko sa history kahapon. Kailangan ko munang ipahinga ang utak ko kasi mahirap na, baka hindi ko na talaga ito magamit.

Meron naman akong natutunan habang nagtuturo si Felix ng algorithm ni Djikstra. Meron akong natutunan tungkol sa aking sarili.

Ano naman iyon?

Yan kasi, hindi ka "nakikinig" kay Felix kaya hindi mo alam.

EDIT: Nagbell na. Siguro papasok ulit ako mamaya sa second class niya.

Ragnarok: End of the World

SERVER A: MT. SHASTA

Eh? Why the heck is this in our choices? Of course this should be always online. This is our primary server anyways.
Well, this server can cause a problem to balloon up into immeasurable proportions. It does not relieve anyway at all the traffic our system usually receives everyday. Emotions, academics, fatigue... Imagine the pressure, Arenne. I'm amazed that the system hasn't exploded with all that stress.
Well, this is still the primary server Zweihander. Closing this would like close everything else, right?

Isn't that what you want anyway?

SERVER STATUS: ONLINE

SERVER B: KATIPUNAN AVENUE

Well I have to say that this one shouldn't be closed.
Yes, totally. School can be a diversion for all that traffic you were talking about earlier. The system like studied for 5 hours a while ago. Wow. The system inspection by the History Department must be very thorough.
I don't like the system's school. Full of rich bastards who talk nothing about real life. Pathetic people. I should do a Meteor Assault right in the middle of those pathetic losers.
Well, this is for the future of our system. Do you agree?
Yes. I can see its effort to study well. It will be sad to see all that effort go to waste.
Whatever.

SERVER STATUS: ONLINE

SERVER C: BLOCK N

Wow. Very intriguing server.
Yes. This is like one of the most active servers in our system. But something happened recently that rattled the system. Other servers were severely disturbed.
Close it then.
But this one supports B. It can be dangerous if we just turn this one off.
Well, let's see then if this would continue to affect other servers. Let's leave this on for the meanwhile.

SERVER STATUS: ONLINE

SERVER D: ARTIST

This isn't a problem at all. This server isn't used very frequently. I'll vote to close this one.
But the system plans to paint his canvas shoes!
Then open it when he actually does paint it. Tch, really pathetic.
But the previous drawings of the system were hawt.
Uh, okay Arenne.

SERVER STATUS: OFFLINE

SERVER E: PS2 GAMER

Warriors Orochi!
Warriors Orochi!
Pathetic. The system doesn't even have his own PS2. I feel sorry for the guy who's lending him his.
Well, the server needs this to divert his attention. Besides, after tomorrow, his academic requirements won't be as heavy.
He has plans of actually buying one you know.

SERVER STATUS: ONLINE

SERVER F: OSU! BEATMAP CREATOR

Hm. I don't know about this one.
This is another diversion. Leave it on.
But E is on. This one might probably be left out.
Close it then.
Well I guess there won't be any harm in leaving it open.
Just open it when he actually creates one, just like D. We need to save resources as much as we can.

SERVER STATUS: OFFLINE

SERVER G: ESSENCE RO

The system hasn't accessed this one for a week.
I've noticed that too. His friends left him alone over there. So much for his +4 Strenuous Black Leather Boots that he worked so hard to get.
Pathetic.

SERVER STATUS: OFFLINE

SERVER H: COMPSAT

Another one.
Well, they are a happy bunch of people.
Well, the system does not access this one unless he's on C.
Pathetic. I'll close this one. Easy decision, no point in making this any longer.

SERVER STATUS: OFFLINE

SERVER I: INTROVERT

But the system likes being an introvert, doesn't he?
Yeah. And even if he doesn't, he can't stop it. Every time the system goes idle, his whole life flashes before his eyes. Well, I can't blame him. Sometimes he's with everyone he knows, but deep inside, he isn't present.
Hmph. He never solves his problems, does he?
Well, he's having a difficult time facing them. So the server just diverts everything elsewhere until the server traffic lowers to a tolerable level. But the problem is that traffic the server is diverting increases exponentially.
But if we turn this server off, won't the system be better?
Let's give it a try then. Zweihander tries to turn off this server. What? I can't turn it off!
Pathetic. What is the problem?
There is an error somewhere. I can't quite figure where.
Let me try then. Arenne casts Blessing on herself. INT, STR, DEX +10.
After an hour
Let's just leave this open. It seems that the system isn't allowing us to turn this server off.
Oh well.
Hmph. What an ass.

SERVER STATUS: ONLINE

SERVER J: BLOG TYPE 1

Catharsis is good. Just look at him post!
Whatever. His posts are full of resentment.
I'll leave this one on. It is good that the server is able to tell his own self about what is happening inside of him. Pretty weird, huh?
He's weird anyway.
Well, if it helps our system in any way possible, then we have no reason to turn it off.

SERVER STATUS: ONLINE

SERVER K: BLOG TYPE 2

He wanted to hurl when he visited someone's blog.
Because he's a weakling.
Why did the server want to vomit?
I said, because he's a weakling, damnit.
I don't know. Maybe because he realized something on the post he accessed.
Which post was it?
Arenne casts Angelus. Party's DEF+50%
Arenne casts Assumptio on Zweihander, Levantine, and herself. Damage Taken reduced to 1/2
What the heck, do you really need to do that?
Arenne casts Warp Portal. Zweihander, Levantine, and Arenne goes to the page the system read.
Arenne casts Warp Portal again after they read whatever is there.
See? Geez, I feel nauseous even with Angelus and Assumptio on.
Arenne casts Recovery on Zweihander, Levantine, and herself. Abnormal statuses are healed
Oh my. I feel sorry for our server.
Pathetic.
So? Are we keeping this one on or off?
Close it, damnit. If a weakling like him can't stand realities like that, then better close this one before he actually hurls on his keyboard.

SERVER STATUS: OFFLINE

SERVER L: SECRET SERVER

The system announced that this server will be closed. He calls this one his "house" or something.
What the fuck! Why did he use my name! That bastard! Levantine attacks system with Sonic Blow. System takes 8888 points of damage. System faints.
WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT FOR?! Arenne casts Resurrection on system. Zweihander casts Gloria Domini on Levantine. Levantine takes 2000 points of damage and SP is reduced by 60%. Arenne casts Lex Divina on Levantine, effectively shutting him up.
Jeez. He thought of that name even before you existed. Sometimes you can be a real pain Levantine. Just keep it cool.
Levantine uses a panacea. Shut up.
Well, I just remembered now. The system isn't going to that "house" or whatever he terms it because he is avoiding someone. When he was really down and frequented that place, that person was always there and talked to our system.
And then?
Maybe that person has bad breath. I won't blame him.
Whatever, Levantine. He fell for that person. He found the person to be "kind."
"Kind?" Wow. What a situation. Isn't this the same reason why the system is isolating himself terribly?
It is.
Hmph. Hope the computer of that person gets fixed so that that person has no more reason to communicate with our system.
I feel bad for our system. I mean, why does this have to happen to him?

SERVER STATUS: OFFLINE

Furigana: 永遠

eien
eternity; perpetuity; immortality; permanence


「一番」
友を永遠に失うくらいならぼその友達のにとを我慢しなさい。
Tomo wo eien ni ushinau kurai narabo sono tomodachi ni to wo gaman shinasai.
Have patience with a friend rather than lose him forever.

「二番」
私たちは永遠にそのに住むことはできない。
Watashitachi wa eien sono ni sumu koto wa dekinai.
We cannot live on it forever.

「三番」
誘うよに私を鼓舞する無限かつ永遠の愛は何億もの太陽のように私のまわりに光輝き。
Sasouyoni watashi wo kobusuru mugen katsu eien no ai wa nani oku mono taishou noyouni watashi no mawari ni hikari kagayaki.
Limitless undying love which shines around me like a million suns, it calls me on and on.



質問がありますか。
Do you have any questions?
「一番」の質問
「二番」の質問
「三番」の質問



From　「sailing day」
誰もがビリーヴァー
Daremo ga biri-va-
Everyone is a believer

永遠のドリーマー
Eien no dori-ma-
An eternal dreamer

sailing day

High Ako sa Stress+Acads+*Secret Factor*

Nararamdaman kong umaagos ang aking dugo patungo sa aking utak. Sandali lang ha, iinom lang ako ng tubig. Itutuloy ko ang post kong ito mamaya ng kaunti.

(Matapos uminom ng tubig)
Grabe. Umiikot pa rin ang mundo ko. Dahil siguro sa kakabasa ng history. Parang nasusuka nga yata ako eh.

(Matapos tingnan ang EssenceRO)
Halos isang linggo na pala akong hindi naglalaro ng EssenceRO. Hay. Bakit ba ang sakit ng ulo ko bigla? Nakakairita naman talaga.

(Matapos pindutin ang close button ng tab ng isang blog)
Ayun. Ito pala yung rason ng aking pagkahilo. I want to hurl, honestly.

(Matapos maisip ang tag ng post kong ito)
Nakaramdam ulit ako ng isang wave ng hilo. Nanlalabo rin ang paningin ko.

(Matapos tingnan ang contacts sa YM)
Nakakainis naman. Bakit hindi pa rin niya ako ina-IM? Naiinip na ako. Tuloy, nahihilo pa rin ako. Ang labo naman ng mga pinagsasabi ko.

(Matapos ang wave number x ng pagkahilo)
Wala. Piga na ang utak ko. Ginawa ko kasi yung part 2, 3, at 4 nung project proposal namin mula 9:04 kagabi hanggang 6:17 kaninang umaga. Nagising ako ng mga alas-dos na, at may mga tao pa rin dahil may reunion si daddy dito sa bahay kanina. Nagbasa at nagnotes ako sa history ng halos dalawa't kalahating oras, at apat na topics lang ang aking nagawa. Patay. Long test na sa Tuesday, at hindi ko pa tapos basahin yung Mughal Empire at hindi ko pa nababasa at all yung tungkol sa British Sea Power ba yun.

Ang post na ito ay nagsisilbing tanda na sumusuko na naman si Rudolf sa laban. Lampa!

May nagsabi sa akin na kapag nalampasan ng isang tao ang dalawang pagtatangka sa sarili niyang buhay, lalabas siya bilang isang mas malakas na tao. Kapag nakita ng taong iyon na hindi pagpapakamatay ang solusyon, mababago ang kanyang pananaw sa buhay. Makakayanan na niya lahat ng pagsubok na kanyang haharapin. Naniwala ako sa mga sinabi niya, ngunit ngayon...

...nalaman kong nagkamali pala ako. Ang katotohanan, naging masyado na akong marupok na miski ang "pinakamadaling" solusyon sa lahat ng problema ay hindi ko na kayang gawin.

Bahala na nga.

Hmp. Lagi namang "bahala na nga" ang solusyon mo eh.

Sige nga, anong gagawin mo? Anong gagawin natin?

Eh di smile smile. Wala naman tayong magagawa diyan eh. Unfair talaga paminsan.

Punyeta naman.

Putangna talaga.

Bakit naman kasi ganito eh... (habang sinasabing ang mga katagang "Punyetang Putangna naman talaga!!" palabas ng kanyang right nostril).

Awts. Pahingi ngang Mighty Bond na hindi peke. Meron akong kailangang ayusin at gawing isa ulit.

Uy uy, hindi na masakit ulo ko.

Kite

It hasn't stopped raining since early this morning. And this rain started yesterday afternoon while I was sitting quietly under the gray sky.

I didn't feel like going to school today at all. The blanket of cold, stagnant air made my heavy eyes even heavier. But I struggled to rise from bed as I need to see my kids. But when we arrived there, no one was around. Kuya Rudy said that most of the kids had make-up classes in their respective schools. So much for that. Well, we played "Wooly Wooly World" and "Saan nakatingin yung piso?" on our way back, and it was fun. I was even laughing my lower jaw off.

Kuya Archie dropped us by Mcdo. Yanyan and I continued to mock the illustrations of our over-sized NSTP book, while the others ate their lunch. It was then I received a text message from EJ informing me that they had a processing session and wouldn't be out until 2:00pm. (Right now, I was just looking at Warriors Orochi at GameFAQs. Me want.) At that point, I had an internal conflict in deciding if I would still go with them or just go home and sleep. Ding suggested me to join them in the programming varsity. The conflict level inside of me rose even higher. I asked who were going, and it was then I told myself I should not go. They left, leaving me all alone to wait for another hour or so.

"Saan ka maghihintay?"

"Ewan ko pa"

I went to Webtown and discovered that my account no longer existed. I went to CD Factory and looked for some game titles (it was there I found Warriors Orochi). Another internal conflict broke inside me as I tired to decide where to stay. My feet led me to the Recto-bound platform of Katipunan Station.

I sat there and patiently waited. Trains arrived and left, people walked past me. The world around me continued to turn and exist in time while I stagnated myself from it as I sat on the floor, playing M-SuDoKu. After the horrible grid I solved in 17 minutes and 39 seconds because I was utterly unfocused, EJ texted me that Raf brought his car. It was then I learned that overstaying in the station has a penalty of P24.00. I should have gone to Gateway and back.

As Raf cruised along the wet roads, EJ, seated in the front, talked to him. They talked and talked and talked and talked about things I don't know about. I wasn't irritated, but was "happy" that they were happy. I busied myself with silently staring at the water droplets that were swayed by the wind. I tried to count them, but were innumerable for my confused mind to mathematically comprehend.

"Magagalit ba kayo sa akin kung uuwi na ako ngayon?"

"Huh? Kailangan mo nang umuwi?"

"Hindi naman."

I opened the door and felt the cold blanket of polluted air cover me. I prayed for their happiness and safety.

As I sat at the back of the bus on my way home, Once again, I tried to count the infinite droplets that splattered on the windows. It was occupying my mind, and it was only in that act of sheer impossibility I kept my sanity. My fortitude eroded away, but at least, I was still sane. Well, sane in the point of a mental implosion or in the very verge of cerebral insanity.

The very first thing I saw in my room as I entered was the kite I earnestly bought. It was too much. I had to sleep and forget all about everything.

It is weird that a person can be overly ecstatic, laughing his ass off at 11:35am and be at a gorge of sorrow and despair at 11:45am of the same day. I can't understand the irony of seeing someone or something and feeling happy and depressed at the same time.

But one thing is for sure: you cannot fly a kite on a rainy day.

Please Carry my Dreams Towards the Sky

I honestly do not know how should I describe what I am feeling right this very moment as I press the keys of the keyboard and as the letters of the words I am typing are appearing from a white background.

I am probably confused, or confused, probably.

I am yearning for some people who I miss so much. I was unable to cry and tell how torn I am to Nanay, Tatay, and Tita Nene because there was construction going on nearby.

I am awkwardly ecstatic for our trip to the bowling lanes tomorrow after I meet my NSTP kids who thought that they will never see me again. I can remember MC running by our jeepney as she held my hand, bade farewell with the other, and shouted "Bye bye Kuya Rudolf! Bye bye!"

I am looking forward to buying the P150.00 Acrylic paint set that I found in National earlier. I am also looking forward to styling my plain, white, canvas shoes with the concepts of water for the left, and fire on the right. I just hope I do it well.

I feel heavy. No. My chest feels heavy, that's why I feel heavy as well.

I am losing an ongoing battle inside of me. I thought I turned the tide of the siege when I decided to return to open my heart once more, but I was thoroughly deceived. I got ambushed right after I declared my strengthening morale and resolve. The sword I forged as an enduring blacksmith struck me a mortal wound as soon as the finishing strike of the hammer to the anvil was heard echoing in the hollowness.

In my eyes, tears welled up. I summoned a bolster of courage I am ignorant of origin to stop those tears from falling. As I sat on the grass, staring on the weak flame of the candle silently persevering against the chilly, empty breeze, rain started to pour down from the cloudy sky.

Were they crying for me?

I found a separate peace in that garden. A peace that made my mind serene for a moment before chaos explodes and disrupts my dream of emancipation once more.

I need to leave. I had to leave. But I had to know the name of the place first.

My memory did not fail me this time. It was the Garden of Salvation.

As I left, I remembered the kite I bought with someone who made a promise to me that we would fly it together. That colorful kite carrying all my humble wishes and simple hopes still remains thirsty to soar across the endless sky to this day.

Please carry my dreams towards the sky.

Ang AfterMATH ng AMC125 Long Test 1

Mukhang naover estimate ko yata yung AMC125 LT ko kanina. Minumura-mura pa namin si Mugalicious dahil pinagbawal niya ang aming kodigo tuwing long tests niya. Well, kaya naman pala niya pinagbawal yun kasi maraming tanong na puro tungkol sa mga theorem. 150 points yung long test, 120 points yung multiple choice na 4 points each number, tapos may ajuices na problem solving worth 15 points each. Pero nainis ako sa sarili ko dahil madali na nga, pero feeling ko na mababa lang ang makukuha ko dun. Asar naman kasi eh. Ewan ko. Ang weird ng feeling nang nadadalian ka sa isang test pero hindi mo masagutan yung isang number dahil masyadong obvious. Siguro, hindi lang talaga ako magaling itranslate ang aking ideas to words or to writing. Proving kasi yung pesteng number na yun.

Tapos biruin mong nagpapasanib pa ako sa espirito nina Kuratowski at ni Euler at ni Hamilton?

I don't believe in my own capabilities anymore. I think this is the problem.

Pero ang weird din eh. Wala lang sa akin na hindi ko nakuha yung huling number sa math kanina (pero naiinis ka, pero wala talaga yun), pero ikinahiya ko ang aking sarili nung C lang ang makuha ko sa unang song ko sa DrumMania. Totoo nga palang kinakalawang ang iyong mga skills kapag hindi mo ito napractice ng matagal na panahon. Well, baka naman dahil mas gusto kong maglaro ng DrumMania kaysa pumili ng tamang sagot sa limang pagpipiliian na kung saan "None of The Choices" ang ikalima. Bakit kasi walang "E. God" dun eh, kasi sabi nila, God daw is the answer to everything.

Napagod lang talaga ako today. Well, pagod ako dahil pagod ako kahapon at hindi ako nakarecuperate kagabi kasi naulit na naman yung nakakainis na power-napping-frenzy-after-magising-ng-dis-oras-sa-umaga. Freecut nung CS, pero hindi ako natuwa masyado dahil meron kaming kailangang itanong kay Ma'am Jess at magkakaroon ako ng free time na kung saan maglalaban laban ang aking inner selves kung mag-aaral ba ako o matutulog o kakain ng carbonarang mukhang hindi masarap o kakain ng turong puro wrapper lang at gahinliliit ang saging. Hyperbole yung sa turon ha. Masarap kasi sa turon yung malaki na yung saging, may langka pa (well ganito yung turon nila in some rare occasions).

Medyo natuwa ako kasi nakatiyempo ako ng ordinary bus na walang laman nung pauwi na ako galing Gateway. Ang sarap ng pakiramdam ng hangin sa aking mukha, kasamang lahat ng polusyon sa mga smoke belcher ng Edsa.

Naiyak ako nung binasa kong muli yung post ko kay Tatay kagabi. Buti na lang walang nakakita. Miss ko na talaga siya siguro. Miss ko na sila ni Nanay. Kaya bukas, pupunta akong Loyola upang bumisita at pasalamatan sila kasi alam kong lagi nila akong binabantayan. (They know I've been a bad boy. O syet.) Pupunta din akong Loyola bukas upang sabihin sa kanilang namimiss ko na sila. Iniisip kong tanungin si... ano... kung papayag siyang samahan ako. Namimiss ko na rin kasi siya eh.

Hoy math! Wala ka bang polynomial equation upang masagot ang mga problema kong pilit na kinakalimutan na lang?

Hay. Tired, so tired. Pero ayaw ko pang matulog eh.